Loosing control

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1. Loosing control


Really few people want me for the part they know. 

You all want me for the part you do not know. Because you can sense that I am not telling the whole truth. You can sense that there is a secret yet to be told, yet to be discovered. And that is what makes me interesting, what makes me special 

and what you are hoping, some day, will make you special too. 

That is why you find yourself wondering about what I’m thinking, what I’m doing. But that is also why you will find yourself disappointed, when you realize that it is not that easy to break through, when you find out that it takes time and energi. 

It is not a riddle where you get clues when you can't seem to find a way. I am not a riddle to solve, because I am not sure that there is a solution. 

The secret I keep is not exciting. It is not some magical story, where we both will end up with the answers we wanted or needed. It is dark and it is rough, it is confusing and it is consuming, but then again it's insignificant. 

And no it do not make me special and it will definitely not make you special. 

It will make you tired and disappointed and hopeless, and you will end up wishing you never caught yourself wondering what I was thinking and what I was doing. 

So one advice I may give. Learn to want me for the part you know, 

because there is a reason why you do not know the other part. 

So I’m alone, but we all are, right? Like deep down and that is freaking terrifying. What I really want right know is to escape, from everything and everyone.
But escaping is not as easy as I thought it would be. It takes a lot of planning, timing and luck. And the chances are, that if you are at a point in your life, where escaping is your only option, the univers hasn't awarded you with a lot of luck, it has more likely screwed you over. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating, it wasn't the univers, I managed to get screwed up all by myself.
An example could be with my friends. I don't do the best friends for ever and ever thing. Why? you may ask. You see it is not because people don’t like me, its because I replace them.
I. Replace. My Friends. And I do it often.
Right now I have a group of people, I guess you could call them my friends. They don’t know me, but lets be honest who really knows anybody (or even themselves)? But anyway I’m with them or actually I'm about to leave them. But I don’t know if I have the energi to find new people, I really dont know if there is any “new people” left to find. And I really care about them but its too hard to stay, because well thats a complicated story, but lets just say that I fucked it up like I always do. So my plan was to just cut them off. I would ignore them and act distant, but they were not that easy to shake off. I am not sure they even got the point, and I don't know what frustrates me the most, the fact that I couldn't get rid of them or that they didn’t even noticed that I tried.
And I am not a person that handles frustrations well. And I experience that feeling a lot these days and what I’m feeling to is lost. I have no idea what kind of kaos, there is going on inside and outside my head.
What really frustrates me, is not knowing. Because I have an extraordinary imagination. That can be the thing that saves me, but its also the thing that keeps me from getting better, and when I don't know, my imagination run wild. And I can push myself into a panic attack, where it feels like I can't breath and where my knees are just too weak to hold me up.

All the negative thoughts and all the self loathing comes at me and I have no walls to keep everything out, so I just break and hurt and tries to catch my breath. Then when it's all over.
I reparer myself and wait for the next breakdown.
The next time I loose control.
The next escape attempt.
The next failure.

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