love is touching souls [a journal]

i often keep my thoughts to myself, my pain, sadness, whatever emotion i'm feeling, tucked away for no one else to see.
for the first time, i've decided i want to share my thoughts and experiences with other people, all while being able to finally let out my emotions.
i hope you find pleasure and reading about me, can relate, or are inspired in some way.

love, cohen☆
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☆disclaimer☆ most of the entries will most likely focus on my parents' divorce, my past love (p), or my relations with my friends.

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1. intro: a letter from my love

     i think the best way to start this off is to publish a note the love of my life left me before we parted ways. we were already broken up, but this was his goodbye, and my closure. reading this will help you better understand my life and what i'll be writing about. feel free to respond in the comments, tell me what you think, etc. and get ready, you may cry. i know i did. many, many times. remember, this is what he wrote to me.

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     Bloodfeather. I don't think that will ever hold any kind of significance to you, but it's an appropriate starter to me. It's something I related to you months ago, April maybe, and it just feels right. I think I've only typed you a proper "goodbye" once before, but then again, there was this lingering hope that something was still there - and I was right, something was still there. However, I think we're at this point in our relationship (platonic) where we can't be saved and it's time to let go. Now, I think you've let go and I have done the same, but probably not as much as you think. I still think about you, wonder how you're doing, and if you're doing alright. I wonder if I'm on your mind once or twice a day, or if never at all. I can honestly tell you that you're on my mind everyday. There's moments where it's too quiet and I reference to what it was like to /constantly/ have my phone blowing up by your messages and I feel nostalgic. However, when I feel nostalgic, I don't feel nostalgic for the good, I feel nostalgic for the bad (hence the masochist screenshot) and it's a very bittersweet thing because I think I found some kind of twisted love in the way we used to argue. I think about it and there was a lot more "bad" than there was "good" and that terrifies me because I fell in love with someone who literally made me feel miserable but I loved you so much I stuck around. And then sometimes I randomly crave the misery and it blows me away because what kind of craving is that? I don't crave chocolate, I don't crave sex. I crave the sadness YOU brought to me. And let me tell you this, no one makes me sadder than you do. That sounds really fucked up, doesn't it? Well, it is and I'm aware of that and it's not healthy for either of us. It's something personal I will need to get over and I'm doing everything in my power to do so.

 

Now let me tell you this. I still love you - in more ways than one, and I think that eats me up sometimes because there's no way in hell i'm going to put myself through some sort of unreciprocated love of any kind. I think it's harder for me to let go (no matter how hard I try) because you were my first love and you will always be my first love and you opened the doors to a variety of emotion that stab at my heart and murder me every quiet moment. I miss not "feeling" - allowing myself to feel only the things I want to feel, but then with you, there's an undeniable emotion that I can't quite shake. Almost like its specifically reserved for you. Now I'm a sole believer in the fact that time heals all wounds - and I think this couldn't be more prominent to me than it is now. You're getting on with your new life and I think I need to do the same without you lingering in the background. However, I'm not oblivious to the fact that I will still be thinking about you after we stop talking, but I think if our communication is completely cut off, I'll be able to move in properly with a healthy state of mind and I hope you can respect that. 

 

You were someone who brought me so much happiness in such an unusual way and I don't think there will ever be a moment in my life where I forget about you completely. Does that scare me? Not necessarily. It's just one of  those "sigh" moments. It's something I'll have to accept and I guess I have no choice but to be okay with that. You shaped me into the person I'm meant to be (for the time being). I'll eventually change and then change again and again and again. But for now, this is who I am. There's days I regret meeting you and then there's days I'm ecstatic I met you - but no matter what, you were meant to be in my life for the short period of time that you were and I am forever grateful for that. We have made so many memories, love. Memories that I will never make with anyone and that's all I'll ever have of you from here on out but I think that's a good thing. Anything I'll ever need from you is what I have now.

 

I want you to know that I really did/do love you. I think you're a wonderful person. I think you're someone with a bright future and a lot of happiness in store. You are capable of so much and I know you will achieve everything you put your heart to. You're a hard worker and you're fucking smart, christ. You have the brains, you have the looks, and you have the potential. You will do great things, things that make you happy and you will find someone who brings you this kind of love that consumes you and it will be mutual and I know it's going to be everything you've ever wanted. You are an absolute sweetheart, darling. Sweeter than sweet. Your RL and FL friendship with me has truly been one of the perks of knowing you and I am so happy that we were able to get to explore a more direct option. From the hour long face times to our five minute phone calls, I will miss that and I will miss you. You are truly a wonderful friend.

 

This is the part of the message where I just shut up and apologize - because I haven't done that and you deserve more apologies than I have gave you. I'm sorry, darling. I'm really am. I fucked up with you so many times. More than I can count - and I am so, so, so sorry for hurting you in ways that no one should ever be hurt. I own up to everything. From the cruel comments to the petty insults, I'm so sorry. I have no justification for my behavior other than the fact I was an emotional asshole who can't get out of his head sometimes. You DO deserve better than what I gave you and I never want you to question that because it's the damn truth.  You hurt me, but I hurt you, too - and I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could remove all the pain I ever gave you and put it on my shoulders. I really do. Please don't ever let anyone treat you the way I treated you. You know you deserve happiness and love and I couldn't give that to you. Look out for yourself.

 

"I love you, but I need another year alone." This was something I associated with you, as well. One of my all time favorite  song lyrics. It held a significant amount of truth for me up until recently. Do I love you? Yes. Do I need another year alone? No. I think I got lost in the idea that what was had romantically and platonically was something I wasn't ready for - except that's not true. We just don't mesh. We've tried so hard but we don't work and it fucking sucks. I want nothing more than to keep you in my life but I know better and I know you do, too. So, when I send you this, I politely ask you not to beg for my friendship/time. Don't try to convince me otherwise. I can't hurt you any longer. I can't hurt myself any longer. This is it. When I told you this was your last chance, I didn't mean it. I meant this was MY last chance to save whatever was left but there's nothing and it breaks my fucking heart.

 

Maybe in another life we've managed to maintain a solid friendship; one that isn't so damaging to both of us - but right now? It's not happening. This isn't happening for us and I have to let you go and you have to let me go. I need to get better, and you need to find your happiness. I hate that I won't be able to witness this, but I know it's not in my cards. You were a chapter in my book and maybe I was one in yours, but this is it, darling. This beautiful disaster that we've created is over and I will never forget it for as long as I live. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for giving me the time. Thank you for being there for me when no one else. Thank you for being you and letting me get to know you. Take care of yourself. This is your life, make the most of it and always be happy. All the love and best wishes to you. X

 

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love, cohen

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