All For Love

After such a long time of waiting, we learn to move on.

Harry's words did hurt me a little, but I was already shattered, and he only crumbled my broken pieces.

Did you know that I think about you all the time, I dream about you all the time? I know I messed you up, I know I broke you, and trust me baby I know I hurt you - but please don't forget that you loved me once. My heart aches everyday, I drown myself in alcohol trying my damn best to forget you, but it's impossible. You're everywhere - in my mind, in my heart, in the bedroom we shared, in the house we planned to raise our little girl in. Promise me you won't forget what we once had. Blame me, scream at me, tell me how much you want to kill me.. but please, baby.. don't leave me on the ground - we both know I'm no good, but darling I can't go the rest of my life without you in my arms. Love me or leave me. I knew this was trouble, I knew it was fucking stupid in the start but I can't help that I fell in love with you.


2. Chapter 01 - "I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while.."


A sigh slips between my parted lips as I step into Katie’s bedroom just to see Niall helping her pack her little suitcase. He’s talking to her about what they’ve got planned for the weekend and I can’t help but smile inside and out when I see her eyes light up at the word  park. She didn’t get Harry’s bright green eyes, but she sure did get his true personality – happy, cute, and innocent. Every time I look at that beautiful smile and those dimples, both of which she gained from her father, I can’t stop myself from wanting to cry.

“Your dad can’t wait to see you. He’s going to meet us at your favorite place in the park.” Niall tells her, getting a bright smile from her in return. I never intended to take her away from Harry, so I have no issue with her going to see him. Besides, she’s his child too, and he has all rights to keep her. We promised each other when she was very, very little that if anywhere were to happen to us, we’d stay close for her.

I didn’t keep that promise, though. I’m the reason Niall’s here right now – I don’t trust Harry near me, and I don’t even want to see him. Niall and Carly are very good friends, because they stepped in when we both needed them and I greatly appreciate them. Despite Harry’s decision to pay for this very nice apartment every month, plus with check he sends to us every two weeks, I don’t want anything to do with him.

We aren’t on good terms. It’s been four and a half years, things haven’t changed one bit. I still hate him, and he still loves me – it’s honestly nothing new me. Hate, that’s a strong word. But it’s the only thing I can use to explain this feeling I have, I can’t stand him one bit. He’s the reason Katie is an only child – he’s the reason she has to call him every night on the phone instead of being tucked in by both of us.

This isn’t my fault. He made that decision to hit me that night, and it resulted in living hell for both of us. Don’t get me wrong, I know I had something to do with it, and that hurts me so bad – I’m not afraid to cry, I do it every once and a while. No, I’m lying. I do it every damn time Katie leaves, because I know she’ll have a wonderful time with Harry and I just want to be there to see them interact with each other.

“Make sure you get your bunny, sweetheart.” I say, catching her attention – I’m only trying to distract myself from my haunting thoughts. She turns her head and smiles when she sees me. “Momma, c’mere!” She says happily, giving me a motion of her hand. I lean off the wall and start the distance over to her.

“Do I got all my stuff?” She asks me, pointing to the suitcase opened on the floor. It seems pretty full to me. She has clothes at Harry’s, trust me on that one – her bag is just full of stuffed animals and a few special security items she’ll never let go. I nod to her and she smiles back, so precious. She continues her talk with Niall as I sit on the edge of the bed.

“I can’t wait to tell you everythin’, Momma.” Katie stands up and walks over to me with that adorable dimpled smile. “Have fun with Daddy, okay? Remember to call me tonight.” I say as I pick her up and sit her on my lap, her legs wrapping around my waist. She’s getting so big and beautiful, I just know she has a bright and wondrous future ahead of her. I don’t want her to grow up so fast though.

“Daddy never let’s me forget.” Katie says with a light smile – sometimes I wonder if she gets it all? If she even understands why Momma and Daddy don’t live together or even speak to each other.. I just want to know what she’s thinking all the time.

I press my lips against her temple firmly, I hate letting her leave but I know she’ll have fun with Harry – and her happiness is the only thing I care about, she’s the only reason I’m alive. I’ve thought about ending it all, but then I look in her eyes and see her beautiful smile and I realize life isn’t perfect, but with my little girl.. it’s okay. She fills my heart up, she’s all I think about.

I love her more than I could ever love myself or anyone else in the world.

“I love you.” She whispers to me, both of her small hands take a hold of one of my mind, my other pressed against the small of her back. “I love you too, baby.” I say back softly as I lean back, her head turning so her eyes could meet mine. So beautiful..

“Can I stay three days? You promised I could this time.” Katie says, pleading eyes and a hopeful, light smile. I let out a sigh, I forgot that I told that to her. Usually it’s just Saturday and Sunday that she stays, but I guess we can spring for Monday too.

“How about this.. Let Niall ask Daddy that, because he might have to work Monday.” I say, glancing up at Niall. He gives me a nod, telling me he’ll ask Harry that question. “What if he don’t?” She asks, her bottom lip pouting out a little at the thought of not spending another day with him. She loves every day she gets to see him. “If Daddy says it’s okay.. then you can stay.” I mumble, smiling at her as her eyes light up.

“Thank you, Momma. I love you.” She tells me, leaning up to place a peck on my lips. “I love you too, Katie. Be good, alright?” I say as she hops off my lap, running over to Niall. He grabs her waist and lifts her up, holding her on his hip. Her arms go around his neck and she rests her head on his shoulder.

“I will.” She assures me, a slight nod. “Ready, princess?” Niall asks, her suitcase in his hand. She doesn’t reply, just snuggles closer to him. I know she’s tired, yet she’s so happy to go to Harry’s. He cross the room and leaves through the door.

My head falls, my hands press into my knees. Another night without her with me, at least I know she’ll enjoy her time other there. I sleep better at night knowing Harry doesn’t drink when she’s there, only when she’s away. I’m still not all too happy about his turn to alcohol to cope with the pain, but at the same time I don’t blame him for the ways he relieves the hurt.

As I hear the door shut, I stand up and make my way to the living room. I bite my bottom lip as I reach the door, knowing if I wanted to stop Niall I could, besides he’s probably not even down the hallway yet. I swallow the lump in my throat as I turn the lock on the hand. I lock the chain as well, not wanting to ever take the risk of not hooking it.

My vision becomes slightly blurry as a tears gather in my eyes. I blink a few times, a few salty drops begin to trail down my cheeks and I know right then that this won’t end anytime soon. I drag my feet across the floor, making my way to the bathroom in hallway.

Maybe it won’t be so bad tonight, or perhaps it’ll be one of my bad days. I won’t know until my body sinks down in the warm water.

The tile floor is cold against my feet, the lights are bright and the room is filled with cool air. I shut the door behind me and release another sigh to myself. I could be living so much better right not, I wouldn’t have to let my little girl leave me. Things could be better, but sadly they aren’t. I share the blame with Harry, though, I honestly do.

I just wish things were different, I wish we’d never went to Los Angeles that night. However, on the other hand, I know this is part of the big plan for my life and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

The water fills up the tub quickly, the bubbles forming on top of the water’s surface. I reach down and remove my socks, sitting them in the hamper. I tug the sweat pants down my legs and add them into the basket. Next to go is my shirt, I toss it in the pile and shiver when the cold air crashes against my skin.

My fingers struggle to unclasp my bra behind my back. “Shit.” I mumble to myself as I attempt to undo the bra again and again. Finally, after what seems like forever, I get the hook undone and slide the straps off my arms. I throw it in the hamper. My fingers hook on the waistband of my panties and pull them down to my knees. I release the band and let them fall around my ankles.

I step out of them and place them in the basket with the rest of my discarded clothes. As I lower my foot into the water, the tip of my toes invade the bubbles and I step into the tub, throwing my other leg over next. “Finally.” I whisper out into the silent air, I get to somewhat relax after such a long week.

A soft moan erupts in my throat as I lower my body into the nice warmth of the water. My eyes clothes once my shoulders go under the water. The heat is relieving my body of the day’s stress and worries. This could be better though, Harry could be in here with me – or at least be waiting in the bed for me.

Sadly he’s not, and that’s all because I never gave him a second chance. Even though I often blame myself for not accepting his offer to fix all of our mess.. I know he’s too toxic for me, and I can’t drown in the poison anymore. I’m much better off without him..

It still hurts.     FIRST CHAPTER! Hope you like it. Please love,like and comment what you think :)
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