I'm scared

I had to tell my feelings somewhere. I am scared.

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1. Part 1

Dearest someone, 

I'm scared.

I never used to be scared. I always thought nothing where to hurt me. And if anything went wrong, i wouldn't care. It's weird feeling this way, i think i'm overreacting and making everything ten times worse in my head. But right now, i'm scared of life. I'm terrified. I feel this thing inside of me, that makes my heart beat faster and my eyes water, because everything is to go wrong. 

Everything is just wrong. I'm struggling to fake a smile, because i'm just so scared. Not particularly of death or whatever, but of failing, of being embarrassed. It overwhelming to have this worry inside of you. Fighting against your brain, trying to shot it down. It's the things that would happen if anything were to be wrong, and the things that would be worse known, than inside my head. 

There's all of these things that i don't control, that i can't change, that is out of my reach. I can't pretend it's good, when i don't... when it's so far out of my reach. While it's being a clear sign of something that isn't right. I have told myself to let it be, to ignore it and see what happens. But my thoughts always wander back to it, and i'm left with my chest feeling as heavy as an elefant, this heavy elefant of worry. 

I've cried today. Three times. I never cry. Crying is a sign of weakness, and i don't cry. But i can't control it no more. Because i'm just so scared. It's happened before, but not in this way. Because it's so obvious it's changed, that it's not like before. 

I have heard it several times before. Never search on the internet, because you will convince yourself that it's so much worse than it actually is. But my fingers won't let go of the keyboard. I searched on it, before it even was a big deal, and i made it worse. I made nothing intp something big. And i'm so scared.

Best regards

Me

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