Only I will Remain

Would it seem weird to say that fear bought me freedom as I stand being just me.

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1. Confession

Would it seem weird to say that fear bought me freedom as I stand being just me.

Yes, just like every girl I became a women through all the steps and paths that every and each girl takes to become a women. But maybe mine didn’t turn out prefect yet I believe I needed the ups and downs to be who I am now. I won’t say it was always worse. Just as every girl dreamt of a beautiful future with someone beloved. I did too. Mine was perfect till jealousy, envy, anger and sadness ran over me. I don’t quite blame anyone.  But most of all my fear to lose anything took over me and destroyed what I dreamt of.

I was a young girl once who fell in love in an instant. Enjoyed every day with the beloved one and who though everything was going to work out just fine.  Amazingly it almost even did. I got my degree, entered an amazing job. Finally was proposed to be married the most special person in my life. My life was perfect until somehow, someday maybe I became more accomplished than my beloved. Maybe he wanted me to be under him, to be dependent and always be beside him. But I was never born like that. My mother left the world when I was only five. But the lesson she taught me in life, how I could forget it and change. I couldn’t and thus my fear took over me.

It started with fight. Continuing it to shouting and then abuse. I still tired with all I have got. Accepted all of the flaws life showed me. But it was never enough.

At some point of life I remembered something my mother had told me.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass its learning to Dance with it”

When my mother left I had 3 little siblings to take care of while my father was busy from morning till night. I use to cry for the whole night and sometime use to miss school for not being able to wake up in the morning and later my siblings use to get scolded for it. But how long could it go on like that. That’s when I thought now is the time to stand up for life.

Suddenly all of the past came to me clear as water and once again it hit me in my mind. I once heard, “We all have an unsuspected reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to the test.”

Maybe it was time to hold back who I am once again.

Yes, my husband was abusive to the point for me to suicide and almost being killed. I tried but maybe it was never enough. And finally I gave up. But it was not my life but him. He was arrested, sentenced to imprisonment for 50 years. People said I was free but I wonder was I when I came home and saw all the proof of him that stayed behind and the whispers of the society. But then again I reminded myself what I once believed.

I must not Fear.

Fear is a Mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total Obliteration

I will Face my Fear.

I will permit it to Pass over me and Through me.

And when it had Gone past

I will turn the inner Eye to see its Path.

Where fear has gone,

There will be Nothing…

Only I Will Remain.

 

I shouted to the wide sky and jumped into the sea.

It was not to die but set myself free.  


 

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