Selected journal entries from my crazy life


3. 3

Friday, April 19, 2013, 9:13 pm, Lake Tahoe, CA

I don’t know why but whenever Im down I turn to this book and write these words. I can remember only a few years ago having so many options of things to do, people to see, drinks to be shared, all on a friday night. All the people I used to do those things with are still doing it. Right now. Away at there schools, no doubt. Schools I didn’t have an option to go to either because I didn’t try in high school or because my father didn’t believe in paying for me to move away somewhere for community college. I guess I understand why. But god if he only knew the kind of darkness I see deep deep down in this pit of despair and depression that only comes from sitting alone on a Friday night. If he only knew how many times I thought about my death; Everyone is still having fun tonight. Its Friday. I remember having to delete my facebook the first year out of high school because I could not stand to see all the new adventures people were having and me viewing them from a screen, alone, at home. Is this my fault? Yes and no. I should have tried in school. Hands down. On that note though my friends didn’t try much either, but they had the magic medicine. The thing that cures all problems. Money. My father had some also but not much. I mean he probably could have sent me away to school but it would have just made life harder for him. Plus his wife would never allow it and god knows she should have a say in anything that has to do with my life right? I hate to say this but I need a drink. Its sad but sometimes a drink can be your only companion on a lonely friday night, way up here these mountains. Alone. One thing I’ve learned from living alone for so long is that I never want to do it again. Ever. It cant be all that different from being dead really. Im alone tonight, dose that mean Im dead? I need a drink.​

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