EXCERPTS FROM MY LIFE

Selected journal entries from my crazy life

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13. 13

April 6, 2016, Marin County (Mill Valley)

Im fucking depressed again. Im lonely. I hurt. Im filled with pain. I want to love, be loved. I want someone to share my secrets with at 1:08 in the morning so that I don’t feel the need to type them on this fucking computer. I wonder if I could even be in love. I don’t much care about or love myself so how could I love another? I feel if I had her specifically I would love her to much. Maybe thats why she doesn’t want to be with me. I lover her to much. I know there’s other women out there that want to be loved the way that I love but Im just not sure I could love other women the way I love her. As hard as it is I have to try and accept that I will never be with her and it just fucking kills me to know that. It kills me to know that I will end up with someone that I don’t fully or wholeheartedly love. I know how I feel about her. I know I would die for her. I know I would kill for her. I know I would make love to her. But any other women, it just would be different. I would not change for her if she wanted or needed me to. I would not kill for her. I would not stay sober for her. I would fuck her and never make love to her. And it just depresses the shit out of me that, thats the kind of women I will probably spend the rest of my life with. It makes life worthless. Is this what happens? You eventually just settle for companion ship? Someone who is just okay? Not the, “love of your life.” Your “soulmate.” Is this how happens? Am I at that stage? Is this the point where I give up on her? Is it me? Do I love her to much? Im not a creep. I don’t stalk her. I never call her except for her birthday or christmas. Could it be her? Is she afraid of love? Am I too nice? What is this infatuation with women wanting to be treated like shit? Im always just to nice to women. Maybe I should get drunk and tell her she’s fat and that shell never be loved. Maybe then shell want me. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. The further away she gets the less I eat the less I sleep the less I write. The further away she gets, the more I drink the more I smoke the more heroin I do, the deeper down this hole of addiction I slide into. She’s the only the girl that makes me nervous. I like her so damn much it scares the shit out of me. I see a sadness in her that I see in myself. Maybe thats why I lover so much. I know how she feels. I want to hold her and tell her, If you read this, you know who you are, I want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you are the most god damn beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life and I love you. I will kill and die for you girl, I love you. Please, please give me a chance. You will not regret it. I love you more than any man ever has or ever will. Don’t be scared of love.

PS- To all women who read this, the loudest men are the weakest ones. Give that quiet guy a chance, he doesn’t talk much because he’s always thinking about you.

-RPC

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