Delirious | completed

it is always late at night that loneliness strikes. sometimes hope likes to cloud your brain, and nostalgia holds you close, whispering sweet nothings. sometimes hope squeezes out rationale and leads you to a place that you wouldn't usually wander, but that's what it does.

this is one of those times.

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1. delirious

i miss you -

IT IS THREE AM. she looks at her phone, her eyes tired from dreams she will never remember. the white screen blinds her for a minute, and she closes them almost immediately to save her from the sharp pain again. she turns the phone away from her, and opens her eyes to see her phone light up the wall next to her. faces in the polaroids stare past her and their smiles are creepier at night, as if they know something she doesn’t.

she looks back at the phone, and stares at the message. her fingers fly wildly over the keyboard but the text box remains empty. her mind whirls as she stares at the message again.

typing…

i still think about you –

memories are just the present wrapped in nostalgia. yet she can’t help herself as she remembers lacing her hands with his. the way that she wrapped herself around him and the way he would hold her close. the way he tasted of freedom. true freedom. he lit a spark in her that was impossible to dampen. or so she thought.

are you drunk?

it was the only time she crossed his mind. the night uncovered his secrets and when morning came, texts would be deleted and he would carry on living while she was still cradling her dying flame she called her love. these early hours revealed things that she didn’t want to let known and she always found herself in his web, ready to be consumed whenever he wanted.

you’re beautiful, you know that -

his voice echoed through her room, echoed in her ears in the form of a whisper that sent shivers down her spine and caused goosebumps to appear on her arms. she remember the way he’d brush her hair out of her eyes, the way that his adam’s apple would bob after he’s complimented her. the way he stared when she talked to other guys. the way she could still feel his eyes on her when she had turned away. he was warmth. true warmth. the way his hands would stroke her lower back as she hugged him. the way he’d leave a ghostly trail of his touch on her hand.

you need to go home and sleep.

he introduced her as his friend to his friends. she looked at him in confusion as he carried on nonchalant about the label he just attached to her. friends didn’t do the things that they did. friends did not look at each other the way that he did. friends did not let their hearts skip beats whenever the other was near. friends did not look for the other in other people. friends did not feel sparks the same way that volcanoes erupt.

i messed up with you -

he said he couldn’t be what she wanted but he was wrong. she told him he was wrong but he didn’t want to listen. he told her she deserved better but she didn’t want better, she wanted him. he was everything that she needed to live. she still remembers the moment her heart broke. she still remembers witnessing him wrap himself around that girl, the way he used to hold her.

stop it.

even after all this time, it’s still you -

her fingers froze over the keyboard. she couldn’t ignore the way her chest constricted – whether it be pain or hope, it was all the same to her.

typing…

typing…

typing…

was it for real this time? did these three am confessions finally mean something? the hope strangled out any sense of reason and rationale in her mind. but isn’t that a crime that love always committed?

‘its always been you too. it will always be you.

you were the best thing that ever happened to me

 and its like i can’t exist properly without you by my side and i’

 

typing…

typing…

typing…

oh shit wrong person sorry ignore that -

of course these three am confessions meant nothing. these three am confessions only added to her loneliness. how dare she feel hope at a time like this.

oh phew had me worried there for a sec haha

read at 3:32am.

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