“I still like you. I don’t want you gone.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t want to see you hurt. I want to see you feeling great…”
“Life just constantly feels like shit.”


4. 9/30/16

The lights were almost as loud as the music, yet it was nearly impossible to see anyone’s face.

Austin told me he would be taking three tablets of lysergic acid diethylamide tonight.

It made me nervous.

His dealer was notorious for attempting to make moves on him. Austin was notorious for not saying no.

Carolina’s tan arms wrap around my waist.

“Hello friend!”

I can see a shadow of the smile on her face.

Scanning the room, I can feel my chest sinking in.

It’s hard to breathe with so many people surrounding me.

My heart is beating in my ears as I seek refuge in the first bathroom stall.

In my burnt orange dress, I slide down the wall to sit on the floor.

I check my messages.

He’s not online.

Carolina prompts me out of the bathroom.

“C’mon Grace. Let’s go dance for a little bit.”

I join Mark and Jordyn on the dance floor.

A few songs later my heart starts to choke again.

I feel Noah’s hand brush against my back as I rush to the bathroom.


Hold on

Hold on to me

'Cause I’m a little unsteady

A little unsteady

This time I’m not the only one in the room.

Alicia is freaking out.

Ryan found out she was cheating on him with Scott.

Normally she’s my friend, but tonight she’s far off.

Her voice sneers.

“Noah, you can’t be in here.”

Some pop song I would later buy on iTunes to remember this moment is playing.

He takes my hands and we dance like four year olds dancing to a hymn in the back of a church.

His brown sweater touches his wrists gently.

“I might leave soon.”

“Can you drive me home?”

“Of course, Grace.”

We fly through the September air with the windows down.

I can hear his heart beating.

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