“I still like you. I don’t want you gone.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t want to see you hurt. I want to see you feeling great…”
“Life just constantly feels like shit.”


16. 3/22/17

Across from me at breakfast.

Everyone else has already dumped their trays.

I eat his orange.

“Are things going better with Alexis?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Are they really?”

“I don't know. Now Rachel Tooze is telling me she has feelings for me too.”

“Oh goodness.”

“Yeah pretty much.”

I put the orange peelings on his tray as I leave for band and he leaves for history.

Today’s sweater is white with a black stripe around the chest and biceps. There's a zipper that ends in the center of his breastbone.

His hair is different today.


4:30 I check Instagram.

He's crying.

Alexis couldn't care less.


“Noah, what's going on?”

“I wish I knew.”

The front facing flash reflects off the wet spots on his cheeks.

“Do you wanna talk about it? I'm always here if you need a friend.”


“dick out RIP me”

“lol I feel.”

“wanna see?”

“do you even have to ask”

“it's been a while”

“yes indeed.”

“missed this”

“me too.”


4:17 I wake up.

A picture of her is on his story.

“Thanks for making me feel better.”

Yet I know she'll never do the same for him.

She’s still sharing the black and white pictures of text-posts on facebook.

About how boys don’t treat girls right anymore.

About how all her friends are in relationships but her.

About how she wishes she could find the right guy.


She doesn’t sit by him at lunch even when he makes an extra effort to keep spaces clear for all her friends.

She doesn’t talk to him when other people are around.

She doesn’t give him the respect he deserves.


She’s using him.

He doesn’t think he deserves any better.

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