“I still like you. I don’t want you gone.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t want to see you hurt. I want to see you feeling great…”
“Life just constantly feels like shit.”


14. 12/31/16

“When will you be here?”

“Right after I finish this game of pool with Trent.”

I pace Jadyn’s living room, shoes half on.

I always get this crazy butterflies feeling before I see him.

Lights shine up through the trees onto the house.

He’s here.

I shout goodbyes to the family and my sister and they wish me well.

Into the night we drive.


“I’d probably be a gigolo if my dick was bigger”

The air is full of cigarettes and gas fumes.

I hold the door for him.

“What a doll.”

I follow him into the convenience store.

“Do you want anything?”

He grabs a watermelon Arizona and gestures to the other aluminum cans.

“I’m good”

At the register he takes out a Holiday gift card.

“Trent got me a gas card for Christmas. So far I’ve bought Arizona and chips.”


We’re still 20 minutes early for church, but Noah says he knows a place.

“Hey, look there's a deer there!”

“Maybe its an omen.”

I laugh. This boy is everything to me.

“What could a deer possibly be an omen of?”


I roll my eyes in the 6 o’clock darkness of winter.


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