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8. Emily Witte - Meant To Be

As I read through this, I noticed some points that could be improved upon. 

One of the first things I noticed is that your use of speech is grammatically incorrect. You're not using some of the more basic rules of speech, such as a new line for a new speaker or the correct punctuation. When using speech, a new speaker automatically requires a new line. Punctuation is a bit complicated- but nothing too difficult. If you're going to put the 'he said' or 'she said' after your speech is finished, then it requires a full stop. If not, and your tag is elsewhere or there is no tag, you can use a full stop to end the section of speech. If I'm not explaining it very well, just go onto Google or any search engine and search speech rules, and I'm sure you'll find some good examples and explanations. 

The next thing I picked up on after reading it is that the character's reactions to big news and news that would, in reality, shock and anger people has little or no impact on the characters. Natural and almost extreme reactions where necessary is something that can bring so much depth to a character. The way they react to situations is so important as a character asset. Do they immediately respond with anger? Do they respond with sadness? Do they close themselves off? This is all important to building characters that are easy to relate to and that have the depth and complexity of real people. 

In relation to this, some of the replies or things they do are very unrealistic. For example, the way Ev reacts when she originally finds out that Ash had cut. She may have left the room, but she wouldn't have stopped the entire band practice. There would have been a confrontation about it but it would not have been in front of everyone. 

A fourth issue I identified is that the beginning of the story moves extremely quickly. It does slow it's pace reasonably when we get further in but really planning out these chapters and reactions and slowing down the story line a lot from where it is could have a major impact on how people read into it and what people gather from it. Even if some chapters might slow down, they don't have to be boring. Interesting dialect and interesting activities or cute dates can make new chapters. Nobody falls in love that quickly- or we'd always be in love. 

Leading off from that, a lot happens in a short space of time. For example, in the space of one chapter, Ev's mother and brother make an appearance and the cut on her leg from Brody seems to heal magically. Her mother's character definitely needs to make a reappearance in the first Movella. If you're going to introduce a character so significant, they need to be around to be significant to the time you're writing in. Brody makes some reappearances, but he doesn't act on what he says. If he really was psychotic like you're making him out to be, he has to have an interesting backstory. Maybe he was referred to a psychiatric ward as a child after doing something crazy- but once he reached 18, they could no longer keep him there because he was playing the 'I'm not crazy' card so that he could get out. Also, if he has it out for Ev, he probably has it out for Steph and her dad too. 

In addition to these, spelling and grammar, sentence structure and story line and plot holes should be considered should you go on to edit this. 

I'm sorry this took so long to get out there, but I've been so busy recently and I'll be getting on to everyone's very soon! Thank you  for your patience. 

 

 

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