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5. Elizabeth Yaj - Suicide Mystery

The first thing I'm going to be looking at are the cover and the blurb. The cover is good, but if you were to go to a cover store/look at some tips, you could make it a lot better. For example, the text color doesn't really fit, nor does the text type. If you changed those two things- the cover would be a lot more appealing.

The blurb doesn't make sense in some places.There are a lot of ellipsis used- which is not something I'd expect from a blurb; maybe at the end. Also, the way it's structured is a bit wobbly. Rather than saying 'In this book',  you could just jump in. Also, 'In this book it is about...' doesn't make sense. You would either need to go 'This book is about' or 'In this book...'.

Instead of putting 'suicide girl who they think killed herself over bullies!' you could put, 'a girl who struggled with bullying, and eventually killed herself' or something like that.

Also, the exclamation mark at the end of that sentence is misplaced. An exclamation mark is a piece of punctuation used to create atmosphere or to place emphasis onto a point. This sentence doesn't need any emphasis, so a full stop would do. 

''But Lisa the detective think she didn't kill herself because of......?" could be re-written and could make a lot more sense.

"But Lisa, a budding detective in the town, doesn't quite believe what people are saying." could bring a lot more suspense and a lot more people would become engaged.

"Read to find out what happens and did she really committed suicide or something else!?......"
You could end with a much snappier series of rhetorical questions (or questions that are designed to not be answered). For example- "Lisa needs to uncover the truth, for the sake of everyone. Did the girl commit suicide? Or was there something else going on?"

All in all, I think the blurb needs a re-write, and you need to check that it makes sense. 

Additionally, I think the rating might be wrong, since a green would be covering child friendly topics, and I wouldn't consider suicide a child friendly topic, unless it's fleetingly mentioned. If it wasn't the basis for the story- maybe it would be a green, but maybe a yellow rating and a little disclaimer in the blurb would be necessary. 

The first chapter is small, but that's no trouble. Some people like reading shorter entries. 

To keep things simple, I wouldn't have names for you chapters. Maybe just label them 'Chapter 1' or whichever number is applicable. 

In the first chapter, it's very chatty and very unstructured. Maybe first person point of view isn't the best, especially for a mystery book. You need to be able to build suspense and doing that from first person is really difficult (I've tried before).

The use of emojis and smiley faces isn't really my cup of tea, and maybe they should be removed or replaced.

The capital letter at the beginning of mystery is not needed, and there is an obvious overuse of exclamation marks. If you use too many, it reverses the effect and the reader starts visualizing them as full stops. 

I definitely feel as if first person texts maybe aren't suitable for this kind of writing.

Chapter two definitely makes you question if it's supposed to be a screenplay, but from the first person view you'd know it's not. I'd change the lines into speech, rather than cues, because speech is more easily interpreted than cues. There is the wrong there in one. You put there, it should've been their because the classes belong to the people stopping to stare.

Also, every boy is cute and kind? What kind of school does she go to? I wouldn't generalize every boy to be cute and kind, because she wouldn't have met every boy in the class. Cute and kind are also very low level words, using a thesaurus, or an online synonym searcher, you could easily boost you verbs and adjectives.

The use of text talk and emojis are, again, not very professional or standardized so I would remove them and replace them with something else. Chapter two seems unfinished? I don't really understand.

In chapter three, you reveal who sits at her table, but it all moves very quickly. I personally wouldn't put it like this. It's very confusing, the way everything is presented in the text.

Chapter four needs more elaboration. Most of the chapters need elaboration. You definitely need more description. Maybe a co-author could help you to progress and elaborate? Also, co-authors work as a grammar/spelling checker and they might pick up on things you didn't!
All in all, I think that with some hard work, idea elaboration and expansion and replacement of words, it could turn into a good piece of work- not overnight, however!

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