Quiet Mouths Loud Minds

Alex has always been a quiet person. She doesn't want anyone to know about her problems. But her mind is eating her alive. She feels so alone. Alex is going to take you on a journey through her life. And let you in on all of her secrets. Will she be able to make it through each night she lies awake? Or each day she puts on a fake face? Or will her mind kill her?


1. I believe that we all fall down sometimes ~Black Veil Brides

You ever feel like you just can't convince yourself to get out of bed? Like your feet are afraid if they touch the ground they will shatter? That's what I feel like today. I am now laying in my bed staring at my ceiling the same place I was at 8 this morning. Now it's 12. My mom went to work at 9 and my dad went to the bar at 11. Neither one bothering to see if I was okay. I know I should get up and enjoy the last day of summer but I just can't convince myself it's worth it. I keep trying to look at the positives of getting up. I can go to Hot Topic or finish the laundry that is sitting at the foot of my bed. But each time I think of something worth getting up my body sinks deeper into the mattress. I roll over and check my phone. 2 texts and 1 missed call. I checked my text messages first. I need you to pick up your brother from AJ's at 3 and drop him off at his friends house. I'll be home around 9. Late night at the hospital. Tell your brother I love him and I will be home tomorrow when he gets home. ~Mom. So I guess I have no choice but to get up. The next text read Hey can you pick up some Taco Bell on your way to pick me up? Thanks ~Tyler. I sighed and looked at the time 12:45. If I wanted to get anything done before picking my brother up I would have to get up now. I took a deep breath and sat up. It was relatively dark in my room. Between the black out curtains and the black walls. I threw my feet over the side of my bed -oh I have a missed call- I grabbed my phone off of my night stand and looked at the bright screen. 1 missed call from Dad it said. I sighed I pushed 'call' icon. He answered on the third ring. "Hi honey!" He drunkenly spoke. "Hey dad." I said trying to muster up all the happiness I had left. "Why are you calling me?" He asked "oh I was returning your call." I said and smiled. "Oh yeah I was calling to see if you could take the shopping list that's on the counter and go to Walmart and pick the things up." He said. "Okay dad I will go shopping after I pick Tyler up from his dads." I said smiling threw the sentence even though I didn't want to. "Okay well I gotta go honey Steve just pulled out 3 aces and I think he's bout to win!" He said and hung up. I sighed into the phone and said "Bye dad." I got up and stumbled toward the light switch. When I go to it I flipped it on and a dozen Christmas lights lit up the ceiling and corners of my room. I walked toward my closet and opened it pulling the string to turn that light on. I dug around for a few minutes and found myself holding a black hoodie and some distressed shorts. I checked the clock by my bed and it read 1:15. I hurried getting my towel and hairbrush going to take a shower. I go to my bathroom and turned on the water. I start to undress. In a matter of minutes I am fully undressed staring at myself in the mirror. The scars on my wrist just beginning to heal. While new red lines are in their place. I look at my stomach and see the scars that line it. Most people think I am skinny but I don't think so and when they tell me that I am skinny I just know their lying. I sighed at the mirror and got in the shower. About 15 minutes later I am wrapped in a towel heading back to my bedroom. I get dressed and the clock reads 1:40pm. I put on my socks and black vans and turn my straightener on. My stomach rumbles from being food deprived for the last week so I go to the kitchen and grab a water bottle. I go out to the deck and let the wind dry my hair. I look out to the beach and ocean. Everyone seems so happy there. I only see the clouds on the horizon. I decide that my hair is dry and go inside. I run up to my room and check my phone for the time. 2:10. So by the time that I finally get done I won't have to force myself to go socialize it will be time to go pick up my little brother Tyler. He's 13. We have different dads. My mom had me with my dad 16 years ago and when they broke up when I was 3 she got with a guy named Aj. One thing led to another and we got Tyler. She got back with my dad when I was 10. Aj stays in Tyler's life. I am so happy for him. I wish my dad would stay out of my life. I put on Sleeping With Sirens and the shuffle plays 'With eyes to hear and ears to see' I sing along with the lyrics as I design my hair. I make sure my bangs cover one eye and do my make-up. I grab my keys and get into my black Mustang. The radio plays some Metal song I don't know as I drive to Aj's house. I pull up into his driveway at 2:45. So I texted my brother I was there he told me I should come inside so I turned my car off and walked inside the small house. Aj was sitting in his chair and my brother was sitting on the couch texting someone. Aj looked away from the TV and smiled being happy to see me. We don't see each other often. Last time I saw him I think I was like 13 or 14. "Hi Alex!! So good to see you!" He says engulfing me in a hug. I pat him on the back and look at my brother who is obviously distracted "You ready bro?" I say with the most enthusiasm as I could. I never like my brother to think something is wrong with me. I want him to live a normal life. Not worrying if his sister is going to be alive in the morning or not. "Yeah one sec." He says as he goes into the other room for a minute and I smiled at Aj. "So how has life been treating you?" He asked. "Great." I lied. He obviously sensed that I lied. When my mom and Aj were together he and I had become really close. But now we just text now and then. "What wrong are you okay?" He asked putting a hand on my shoulder. I want to so badly tell him what is happening to me. To tell him I am scared of my own mind or that I want to end my life. But I won't give him that burden on his shoulders. It's my problem not his. "I'm fine." I lied again. At about 14 lying about how a felt became almost a second nature. But I hate lying to people I love. Aj is somehow on that list more times than my Dad and Mom are. He sighed and pulled his arm away. Just then Tyler walked back into the room still looking at his phone. He glanced up and said he was ready. I told Aj bye and for him to text more often. He said he would and we walked out of the house. When I turned the car on Tyler automatically changed the station to some rap song about sex. I rolled my eyes and plugged in the aux. I clicked on the playlist labeled 'songs Tyler and I agreed where appropriate for a car ride.' Most songs where Twenty One Pilots and Five Seconds Of Summer. 'Jet black heart started to play as I pulled into the drive way of Tyler's friends house. "Mom said she will be home when you get there tomorrow" I said. He finally looked up from his phone and smiled pulling me into a hug. He was 3 years younger than me but he out grew me on his 11th birthday. "Bye love ya sis." He smiled. Tyler was the exact opposite of me. He had blonde hair and Blue eyes and was really tall, fit. He was basically the definition of 'Quarterback' in any high school movie. I had black hair, gray eyes and am really short and fat. Most people think being 5'3 and 75 pounds is skinny but to me its horrible to weigh that much. I guess I am the definition of the quarterback's sister that everyone hates. "Oh, sorry I forgot to pick up Taco Bell on my way to pick you up from Aj's. I could drop the bag off here in a few hours when I get shopping done?" I apologized. "Yeah that be sweet. I'll tell John that the tacos will be here soon." He smiled and shut the door. I really didn't want to but I knew I had to finish the rest of the day. I went to Walmart and got the things on the list. I finished this at about 4pm then went to get Taco Bell. I dropped the bag off at 'John's' house at 4:30pm and headed home. No one was there when I got home. The house was deadly quiet. I hate the silent. It gives you time to think. Time to do things without thinking. I never like being alone for this reason too. I think I will go up to my room and listen to some music. When I get up there a wave of depression washes over me. I don't understand why this happens. In the most random places depression just takes over. I start to think about how my Dad is always drunk and relies on me and my Mom to do all the things he should be doing. How my brother gets every one's sympathy when he broke his leg but I broke my wrist and I just needed to get over it. I can't even remember the last time my mom said 'I love you' to me. But I can remember the last time she said it to my brother or my dead beat father. I shut those thoughts down and turn on my radio. A random song fills my ears. I turn my radio off because it's not working anymore. The problem with silence is it brings back voices in my head that never go away. You know you want to they say You deserve to bleed. They say. I never know weather I should or shouldn't believe them. Your fat, ugly, and probably never going to get laid. These words are starting to get to me. I am bullied not only by people at school but also by myself. At least I can block the other people out. I can't run away from my mind. The blades are right there. In the pencil box, in arms reach. Stop fighting it. Who are you protecting? Your not worth protecting so that crosses you off the list. Is it your brother who always gets more attention and sympathy than you? Or your dad who rather play poker with 'Steve' than provide for his family? Or your mom who says if she could give you away without getting judged she would? Huh - face it Alex your a piece of shit. Treat yourself like one. The last one got to me. I can't fight it anymore. Like I'm pushing against a Simi-truck and I am losing. I try to think of what Kellin Quinn of Sleeping With Sirens said "Wrists are for bracelets not cutting" It's not helping the voice is still here. I look at my poster of Kellin Quinn and whisper sorry. I reach over the my nightstand and pick up the pink pencil box. I look inside, one blade stands out more than the rest. I take it out. I take a deep breath and try to talk myself out of it one more time. It doesn't work. I pull up my sleeves and drag the blade across my skin. For a second it hurts but then the pain disappears. Blood beads up were I cut and threatens to spill onto my forearm. I take the blade and drag it across my skin again. This time going a bit deeper. The blood beads up faster and spills down my arm. I didn't notice I was crying until a tear made it's way to the corner of my mouth and I tasted the salt. I put the blade back with the others and went to my bathroom. I ran my arm under the cold water and watched as my blood went down the drain. I turned the water off and wrapped my wrist in a paper towel. See don't you feel better now that you have two more scars added to your fat body? I'm surprised you didn't cry for your daddy - oh wait he's drunk off his ass at a bar with 'Steve'- guess you can't cry for anybody can you? Well my work here is done. See you next time. And the voice disappeared. I looked at the paper towel seeing that the blood has stopped. When I started cutting when I was 13 or 14 I would get scared that it wouldn't stop bleeding. But over the years I don't know what's to be scared of. I will either stop bleeding and live another day or I will stop and be put out of my pain. I stayed in my room for the rest of the night like usual. I heard my Mom come home and drop her purse on the table and then about an hour later heard my Dad stumble in and throw up in their bathroom. Then 3 hours of them fighting about it. One loud bang and then tears. And I rolled over put in my headphones clicked on 'Soundcloud' and listened to my playlist labeled 'songs for when your feeling like shit'. It had all my favorite bands on there. Of Mice And Men, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Slipknot, Five Finger Death Punch and Black Veil Brides. 'Lost it all' filled my ears "I believe that we all fall down sometimes, I believe that we all fall down sometimes oh whoa" And it's true we all do fall down sometimes.

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