Several years ago I wrote a trilogy about Depeche Mode. This part, 'Want', is the second, from 2012. When I finished the first, 'SPAL (Sex. Pain. Angel. Love)', I thought that Alan's character was left uncovered, looking a typical anti-hero. But stereotypes are something I do not like, so I decided to show the situation described in SPAL from Alan's viewpoint: what and who he saw as right or wrong, with the benchmark switched.


4. Chapter 4


I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win.
I want the name of the ruiner.
I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn.
I want you to know that being kind is overrated.

  He was happy. Probably the first time in his life he was completely happy. Alan was sitting with his ear-phones on, smiling and daydreaming, moving some controllers up and down, professionally imitating the creative process. It wasn`t hard for him because he had just sampled Martin`s accidental exhale and now was making some sort of erotic groan. 
  He was consumed by this activity. Besides, tomorrow had already come. It was Friday. It meant that tomorrow would be Saturday and then Sunday. Alan was too eager to continue the banquet. Making love for the first time, being drunk after a sleepless night, was cool but obscenely unnatural. Well, because he actually wanted to perform more qualitatively and put his soul into it. For four o`clock in the morning he did fine, and it felt fucking awesome, but it was interesting to know what it could be like when done to the full extent. Martin was moaning erotically right into his ears, although he even didn`t know that, and Alan`s sexual fantasies went wild with it.
  Although, he needed to confess he had lost half of his courage by the moment Martin came to the studio. Alan started shaking, not sure what to await, but Martin sat near, touching Alan`s arm with his own, with the obedience of a Japanese geisha and with the same inscrutable facial expression.
  Alan saw that Martin was wearing a thin black sweater that quite frankly accentuated his bodily features and voluptuously clung to Martin`s shoulders, chest, and waist. The deep neck of the sweater and the rolled-up sleeves showed enough skin. Martin`s t jeans hugged his ass and hips and some other body parts that particularly interested Alan so tightly that it made Alan want to touch him there to check whether it was not too much. Alan took a closer look. Martin was shaved more carefully than usual. Alan could feel the smell of his skin. Martin wasn`t wearing any perfume as if he somehow surmised that Alan wasn`t a big fan of that stuff. It was just his very own scent mixed with the smell of the clean clothes, and it was the greatest aphrodisiac. Alan realized that Martin had prepared for their date. It was another turn-on. No, actually, Alan had also tried on about five shirts until he was satisfied with how it fitted him and showed his chest the right way. And how he should roll up his sleeves, and how to brush his hair back to look stylish, but, for God`s sake, Martin shouldn`t see that he`d done it on purpose. Still, the thought that Martin did all that, too, filled him with warmness.
  Alan was not a fool and realized that for Martin it had been the first time with him. Martin hadn`t warned him and said nothing about it before and after. Well, there was no need for it as his enthusiasm and devotion compensated for his lack of experience. This little secret brought them two even closer that night. Martin was a man Alan respected and felt a big sympathy for, so he feared to touch some details in the conversation not to injure another man`s dignity. But inside, Alan felt that this little lie became some great reward for him. Some special prize that Martin would never confide to have given to him, most likely feeling rather ashamed of it than proud. But it was a step of his desire and trust towards Alan. He became his first man. Simply and without any pathos or drama. Alan feared that he could offend Martin by accenting that, but now he surely saw the seducing game that Martin had been playing with him from the start in a completely different light. 
  And now Martin was sitting here, dressed the way Alan liked and feeling no shame to show that he wanted to please and to belong to him. Alan could think of nothing in this world but of kissing Martin over from heels to top. It was a damn revelation he had only read about in some books before, and now the heat of Martin`s arm and thigh through his clothes told him that it was for real. It was the best working time, productive and useful, but he was eager to call it a day as soon as possible. They had been so close with Martin all day, and there was only a moment when their contact was broken off: when Dave laid on Martin`s back right between them and cheerfully shouted out loud:
  Martin got tensed and arched his back like a scared cat. It was very surprising, because Alan knew Martin loved to be touched. Fletch sometimes squeezed him like a doll; Gareth, their sound producer, carried sleeping Martin in his arms, so why would Martin react to Dave like that? Dave hadn`t noticed - and was blessed by that - but Alan started thinking about it. All his connection to Martin was lost. He wanted to know why. He would remember not to forget this thing to research later.
  They took a cab to go home. They were sitting in a backseat, their thighs touching, and Alan was trembling in appreciation. Wishing to hide his nervousness, he joked:
“Feel sorry that you decided to go with me? Dave was so eager to go to the club with you and Mark today.”
  Well, it seemed like a good joke to him. And he definitely felt suspicious about Dave.
  Martin looked at him strangely. When Alan had already lost all hope to get an answer, Martin asked with a metal in his soft voice:
“What exactly do you mean?”
  Alan wanted to tell Martin that he was jealous about Dave because it seemed that Dave was trying to show Alan the superiority of his rights to Martin. When Martin rejected his invitation, apologizing, Dave started a scandal as if an angry wife refused by her husband to be accompanied on traditional weekly grocery shopping. Dave showed everybody that his most sacred feelings were insulted and stated that he had a legal right to Martin`s will. He almost burst into tears of resentment and brought Martin into emotional stupor. Everybody knew that you couldn`t push Martin, because if you did, he would submerge himself in intellectual paralysis and hibernation, from which it was impossible to take him out - with any artificial ventilation by the mouth-to-mouth method or  by any other method.
“Dave, piss off,” Fletch said strictly. “He already said he is busy.”
“I mean nothing, I was kidding”, Alan replied to Martin`s question in the taxi.
  What the hell else he could say? He felt sort of a jealous paranoiac. Don`t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. Several months had passed from one of his most significant talks with Dave. Martin and Dave acted like cat and dog when they were together. Dave exploded with fury from each word of Martin; Martin, who would usually remain calm, replied with hate so deep and hot that it was driving Dave insane, and he started such an intensive verbal flow that the ones who`d stay alive would envy the dead. Alan and Fletch, they dragged them both to different corners of the studio each evening, thinking that now they were fucked up as a group for sure and that Martin would never talk to Dave again. However, overnight they would miss each other, and in the morning both would smile and joke and rub against each other and behave like two hungry kittens waiting to be fed. They were like two angels.
  But in the evening they would fight again.
  So it was on that usual evening. Fletch dragged Martin from his fight with Dave to see a football match. Dave and Alan were sitting in a pub, drinking beer and waiting for them.
  Dave complained about Martin that they couldn`t find a common language. Dave was sure he gave up everything for Martin, but nothing worked out right. Martin didn`t want to see or hear him, just closing himself from Dave completely. Dave tried to worm it out from Alan what Martin talked about him, as he noticed that Martin would spend much more time with Alan now. Alan wondered if Dave suspected anything, but no, Dave was as innocent as the Holy Virgin Mary.
“Look, I wanna be closer with him,” suddenly Dave said.
“Closer to him?” Alan thought it would be more correct in English.
“No, closer with him,” Dave repeated stubbornly.
  Well, it definitely made sense when Martin said that Dave loved to argue.
“You know, we are friends, kind of. But I want us to be the best friends. Very close friends. I wanna know him like myself and feel him; I want to be closer with him.”
  Alan sipped his beer and answered coldly:
“Are you gay?” Well, an attack was the best defence in his case. 
“Why? No!” Dave wasn`t even offended, just shouted out joyfully, “I`ve got a girlfriend!”
“Excuse me, sir,” Alan said, “it`s just not easy for me sometimes to understand your Essex dialect. I must confess I decided you wanted to have sex with him.”
  He had a reason now to expect a tantrum from Dave for his rather aggressive joke, but Dave laughed and said sadly:
“Oh, c`mon. He`s not like that.”
  Both Alan`s eyebrows lifted up at the same time. Sometimes he felt sorry that he was the only one who could get those joke here. Dave understood his facial expression in a different way:
“What? Him? You think he would…oh. I don`t know, you are older than me, Al, kinda you have more experience maybe… Am I wrong about that? No, I mean, sometimes I think that I`m wrong. He can stare sometimes, you know, closely, I`m starting to…uhm, it`s so hot that I forget that I have a girlfriend. I…catch my breath….and…”
“He has poor eyesight,“ Alan cut off, “but it turns out to be not HIS problem.”
“Oh, yeah…mmm…ok. So, I will remain heterosexual then,” Dave answered so sadly that both started laughing.
  Alan liked Dave for his easy-going and simplicity. At that moment he had realized he felt bad about the circumstances that put limitations on their friendship. Although he couldn`t change them now.
“I want to be friends with you, Dave,” he said honestly.
“I am not gay!” Dave reacted immediately.
“Frigging Essex!”
“Focking London!” Dave retorted.
  They started laughing again and roared until their friends returned from the football match, eager to celebrate the fact that “Arsenal” had won.


I want to write my secret across your sky.
I want to watch you lose control.
I want to watch you lose.
I want to know exactly what it's going to take.

So, now they came home. Next thing Alan remembered was how reality hit him as he felt liquid drops merging together between their naked bodies in a cool bedroom. It was hell fun to make love in a hurry, almost fully dressed, but this almost Victorian sense of two naked bodies in a dark bedroom, totally prepared to make love, together made it feel like the highest level of intimacy. Alan knew it wouldn`t be quick today. That`s why he was not in a hurry.
  The moonlight, pale and subtle, was outlining the strange curve of Martin`s lips. They were not only smiling oddly - they seemed fuller and more enticing than ever. Alan felt he`d die from hunger if he didn`t touch them right now. He touched them with his finger, caressing Martin`s bottom lip, and Martin`s mouth opened a little more, catching Alan`s finger and kissing it as in gratitude for his caress. It was too much for Alan to bear, so he dug into Martin`s mouth spasmodically and felt it opening towards his movements more and more.
  Unlock their lips - just to lock them again and again and again. The bedroom was becoming warmer and warmer - and not because of the central heating.
“I love to make love to you,” Alan whispered.
“I love the way you make me come,” Martin said through the clenched teeth not as tenderly as Alan expected, but his words penetrated Alan`s brain like a red-hot drill.
  He rocked back grinning. Then he repeated his maneuver with the finger, sliding along Martin`s lips and making him suck his finger into his mouth. Martin obediently did what he wanted - well, almost, because he bit Alan`s finger in the end, so Alan slapped his face jockingly with wet fingers and hurriedly whispered:
“If I do something you don`t like, just tell me. Understand?”
“Yes. Touch me now.”
  Alan moved down to his chest and caught Martin`s nipple between his index finger and his thumb. Not indenting to hurt but to show that he was there not to caress his body tenderly. Martin hissed, automatically rubbing his other nipple. It was painful for Alan to say what he said, but he had to, even though his brain was begging him to shut the fuck up and watch!
“Don`t you dare to touch yourself when I am near you,” he hissed; fuck, he had just lost an erotic show, and only Martin`s grin made it clear that the sacrifice was worth it. “Unless I order!”
  Martin`s hand moved downwards; he seemed to obey, but no, he was actually caressing his own navel to tease Alan more.
“Then shut the fuck up, buddy,” very cheerfully said Martin, “do something.”
  Alan couldn`t choose what to do first - to silence him or to say something nasty, but then he decided to go a less simple but more effective way. Slowly he went down the navel with short kisses right through Martin`s pubis to his thick cock, busily swallowing it to the middle at once. Couldn`t take more. As he expected, Martin`s humour was gone completely. He spread his legs, arching with sweet moans when Alan pulled his cock off his mouth and started to lick its head. Then he swallowed it again to move down the barrel, feeling his lips burning with lust as he sucked Martin`s cock.
“More!” he heard when he left Martin`s dick and started to place kisses against his hips.
  To this particular word he could listen day and night. He took into his mouth even more than he thought he was physically able, feeling he had control over the body underneath. He was captivated by the process of giving pleasure for pleasure only. Deliberately slow he was sliding his lips over Martin`s dick, stopping and not pressing too hard. He was caressing the lad`s flat belly and the inner side of his thighs slightly, with his fingertips only. Licking his own fingers from time to time to touch Martin again. He liked the erotic trance he was guiding Martin into, because he wanted to share what he had felt the previous night. He didn`t want to lose his head too soon that day - he wanted to enjoy their intimacy as long as he wold be able to. He caressed Martin like that for the whole fifteen minutes, so that his jaws hurt, but his ears weren`t tired of the quiet moans of rapture at all. He bit one of Martin`s nipples, then the other.
“I want you,” Martin whined.
  Oh, dear God, he must have had died and gone to heaven.
“Please me.”
“Fuck me in the mouth.”
“As you wish, sir,” Alan smirked while getting astride him and sitting onto his bare chest.
  The thought of fucking him hard in that uncomfortable and subordinate position hit him like a truck, tugging him from his erotic trance into completely different mood. Excitement choked his breath as he put his penis glans into Martin`s swollen lips. Martin`s hands were gripping Alan`s naked thighs, pressing harder when Alan pushed too far inside.
“Holyfuckingcunt, oh, shit!”
  It was fucking hot. He started to move his hips rhythmically, in and out, not too deep but really fast and persistently. Martin pressed his hands against Alan`s abdomen to somehow restrain his vigour; he moaned the way that made Alan`s eardrums explode, and he nearly came from that sweetest sound produced by the mouth occupied with his cock. Well, but Alan, you shouldn’t do that now!
  He turned Martin upside down, so that his face was pressed into a pillow, hands behind his back. Pushing his legs to spread them apart as far as he could with his own knee. Martin was aroused enough to take pleasure from this kind of treatment. Alan was eager to tie Martin`s hands. Breathing heavily, he reached for his leather belt, wound it into an eight and then around Martin`s wrists, pushing them together to the point of pain, shoving the buckle pin into the hole. Martin`s reaction assured him that he was not the only one fucking overexcited animal in that room.
  The pale moonlight probably lied, but Alan could swear he saw Martin`s hips move upwards to him as he slid, sweating, his cock  along Martin`s inner thighs, up and down and up and down again. Anyway, he had to check and to gain several minutes before he would fucking lose his head over their sex by an indefinable reason. Alan bit Martin`s triceps, then between his shoulder blades, making him arch. He licked his arms down to the belt that was tying them and placed his jaw on Martin`s naked ass to suck his fingers intentionally teasing him.
“Take me,” that wasn`t unexpected, was it?
  Alan`s cock was vibrating at the same frequency as that sound wave`s length. He decided that Martin was hard enough to receive him without any problem. But just in case he slapped his butt soundly to distract Martin`s nerves a little and to make his muscles relax. He knew that he freaking liked it, but he was shocked by Martin`s words that if he didn`t fuck him right now, he would finish the fuck alone. The pictures in his head were too hot, and he just shoved his buzzing cock between the slim thighs widely spread for his pleasure. The insertion seemed to sober Martin down a little bit, although Alan tried to be merciful, which was pretty hard in his state of arousal. But that was good because then Alan could shag him nice and slow, all the way up and down, while Martin was getting used to his presence inside. So, Alan started to move a little faster, feeling Martin helping him, fucking back and moving his ass towards Alan`s dick, as it made him feel better and better.
  Alan came inside him, making Martin come too. He enjoyed the feel of his own sperm with his cock and hand when he pulled off Martin`s ass, continually caressing this particular thoroughly fucked place in Martin`s body, kissing his neck tenderly.
“Drink,” Martin said.
  Alan brought some wine and fooled around Martin, refusing to untie his arms and making him drink out of his hands. The wine was everywhere around them; it left red stains on the bed sheets and poured down Martin`s naked body. Alan didn`t give a fuck about the sheets, but he diligently licked it off Martin`s skin, turning them both on again. The night promised to be long, though.

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