Swan song

I was just a girl made of broken shards, until you.
I couldn't fall in love, until you.
I was just inches from giving up, until you.
I was broken, until you.
I never thought you'd break me too.

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4. The first text

Theo Grey occupied my mind from that evening, even a week later he was still there. It was time for another chemistry class. Della had jokingly said “so that’s how it happened”. Chemistry happened in a chemistry lecture. Worst joke ever.
Also, we were just friends. If we were even friends. We’d had that night at the party a week ago, but we hadn’t talked since. We hadn’t interacted at all. It was as if it had never happened, and maybe that was fine.

Except I couldn’t get the damn guy out of my head. Which annoyed me to no end, because I had never been the touchy feely, obsessed with a guy type before. So why now? Why him?
Possibly because he gave me no clues that he wanted more than to be the rescuer. Rescue the drunk damsel in distress.

I made the decision to forget about him, because even though he had seemed amazing and sweet, he was probably like the rest of them. Not worth wasting time on.
But what if this one is different the small voice in the back of my head had decided to speak up. Well what if he was. Who ever said different was good? Who said that different lead to no heartbreak?

If we were anything then we were friends. Or we could become friends.
I sighed heavily and dumped down on my bed. My hands covered my face as I made a frustrated sound. Somebody knocked on the door, and before I could answer Della had already opened the door and popped her head in. Her blonde hair was a curly mess around her sweet face, and her huge brown eyes looked at me.

“Y’all okay in there?” she asked and she sounded genuinely concerned. I nodded, my hands back on my face. I felt the bed dip under her weight as she threw herself on it.
“Babe, it’s Sunday. We should be having fun, or at least studying. What’s wrong?”

Another unintelligible groan sounded from deep back in my throat,

“is it him? Is he bothering you again?” she asked when I didn’t elaborate on the sound. For a moment, I thought she was talking about Theo, but then I remembered I hadn’t mentioned the whole ordeal to her, and that Theo hadn’t bothered me. Quite the opposite. I was surprised to find myself a little bit annoyed at that.

However, it wasn’t Theo she was talking about. The guy she was talking about made the bile rise up in my throat and make my chest clench. I did not want to talk about him. So I shook my head, no. She sensed how uncomfortable I had become and I thought she had dropped the subject when she hadn’t said anything for several minutes.
I was wrong.

“I have a brother. He could put a real frightening in ‘im” she said, as if that would help, and propped herself up on her arms so that she could look properly at me. I appreciated the effort, I really did. But when it came to that subject I just didn’t want to ever discuss it. I looked up at her and smiled.

“you’re a good friend. Really. But that won’t be necessary”

She looked at me, trying to figured out whether or not I was declining her offer to just be polite or not. She sighed and fell back onto the bed.

“You know I’d do anything for you, right? Even get kickboxing lessons just to defend your honor” the last part of it made me laugh and I rolled over so I could give her an awkward laying down hug. She joined in quickly, and the conversation took a lot lighter turn. We laid there for a long time, just talking and laughing. In a short amount of time she had become my best friend. I appreciated the fuck out of her.

She left and I laid there once again, alone on my bed. Feelings of despair came rolling in over me like a tsunami. I struggled for breath for a second, my eyes tearing up. Frustration joined in. Frustration over the fact that I had no idea why I was reacting like did. Like a little girl that was lost in the mall from her mommy. Like I was lost, or I was being dragged out to sea with no way of escaping. All stemming from nothing.
It was like my brain was torturing me for fun.

Like, oh you just had such a nice time, let’s mess that up.

What about no. What about I just lay here and enjoy the silence without feeling like my soul was tearing up. Like the pieces of tape and glue were once again falling apart. I wiped away the stray tear rolling down my cheek angrily. I refused to be this weak, but the determination that fueled my body and mind, quickly extinguished. Leaving me sobbing on my bed, my face in the pillow. Why did I feel so hopeless?

I had a great friend, and a great school. Why wasn’t I appreciating it all more? Why couldn’t I just be happy for one goddamn moment?

A text popped into my phone and as if my mind wasn’t providing enough darkness the text did.

I shouldn’t have read it. I don’t know what I expected, maybe that it was Theo that had magically gotten my number and then decided that I worth trying something with?

“That night was a mistake. Take me back. I love you. You know you belong to me. “ it read.

The sobbing intensified after that. It certainly wasn’t Theo. It wasn’t anybody that I ever wanted to hear from again. It wasn’t anybody worth mentioning.

Just like you. The voice was demanding and I wanted to scream to just leave me alone.

I fell asleep like that. Sobbing with thoughts of how much this world would be a better place if I just didn’t exist to taint it with my dark thoughts. 

Would I ever be truly happy?

 

If I had known what awaited me the next day when I showed up for chemistry, I would’ve never gotten out of bed.

It wasn’t worth it by a long shot.

“Hey supernova, why wasn’t the last guy enough for you? Couldn’t get it up?” a guy yelled it at me, across the room as soon as I had sat down in the classroom. I had barely taken out my headphones before he had shouted it. I wish I hadn’t heard it. Wish I had just blocked them all out and stayed home in bed.

Everybody had heard him. Including the brown eyed wonder that was now staring at him. Was that pity in his eyes? Great.
I shook my head and ignored the dumb bastard. Not Theo, the one that was yelling about me. How did they even find out about my ex? Must have overheard me telling Della about it the other day.

“why did you leave your country?” my head snapped in the direction of the guy. He looked like some smug bastard that had just scored the jackpot of personal misery. His dark hair and blue eyes might have made him popular with the ladies, but he just became the number one person I hated. Okay, maybe number two.

I didn’t know how to respond. So, he continued. “Too much of a man for you? Didn’t he make the headboard shake enough?”

I saw everything from back then flash before my eyes. The night that made me run to another country and not look back. The night that had forever shaped my being.
It became hard to breath. My heart pounded so loudly I was sure the entire room was aware of it.
Everyone was staring at the scene the guy was creating. Why was he doing this?

“you know, if you need a real man. I’m more than…”

“Shut up Mark!” somebody yelled at him. The guy, Mark apparently, shut up. He now stared at my defender with large eyes and open mouth. Theo. My defender had been Theo.

He really had that whole damsel in distress thing going for him. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing having somebody standing up for me.

Just friends though. I wasn’t making the mistake of relationships and love again. Or whatever I thought I had felt for the last guy.

In shock, I just slid down onto my seat and watched as Mr. Hall came in. Totally oblivious to what had just happened, he just started teaching. It was the distraction I needed. But my mind kept drifting. To the guy behind me that had defended me in front of so many people, and to the guy that had ruined a part of me. To the guy that had gotten a hold of personal information and decided to use it for his personal entertainment.

Three different guys, but at heart weren’t they all the same?

I hurried along to the next class. Psychology. Funny. Because I could really use an hour or two with my shrink. But that wasn’t life. Life was going on like nothing had happened. Like you were okay even if the last pieces of glue and tape had fallen into the pile of rubbish on the ground that used to be your heart.

But that’s what I did. I went on, until I got home.
Then I cried my eyes out. Not because of the guy that Mark guy had talked about, my ex. But because a part of my past was catching up to me, and it was the part that I had run away from.

I fell asleep. I did that a lot, only to wake up to voices outside my door. They weren’t talking about me. These voices were happy and flirty. Della and Major.
They deserved to be happy. They deserved to find happiness in each other. The wonders of life. Love.

I sighed and felt the weight on my shoulders. I felt heavy, and dazed. Like moving was too much of a task.

My phone vibrated and the screen lit up. Unknown number. I made the effort and grabbed it. All the texts I didn’t want was from numbers I already knew, so an unknown number spiked my curiosity. I just hoped it wasn’t that Mark guy.

It wasn’t.

“Hey, I wanted to apologize on behalf of Mark. He’s an idiot, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry he let it out on you. You didn’t deserve that. Break ups are hard, and he shouldn’t have thrown it in your face. So, I’m sorry, hope you’re okay. - Theo. “

My heart flipped and then raced ahead.

Maybe there was once decent guy left in the pot. I smiled for the first time that day. Friendship with this guy might not be the worst thing in the world.

I typed a quick reply.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m used to handling jerks like that. You really don’t have to apologize on his behalf. Really, I’m okay” I put a little smiley face at the end of that to make it all seem more convincing. It covered over the fact that I had dried up tears and mascara stains covering my cheeks. I was glad he couldn’t see me.
He replied quickly, and so did I. We talked for hours. About everything and anything, but mostly about Mr. Hall and the homework that was assigned. It seemed like an appropriate thing to hate together. Before I knew it, a little smile was playing on my lips and the world no longer seemed like such a bad place.

Maybe I was going to be okay. If I just surrounded myself with people like Della and Theo. Maybe, then maybe it would all be okay.

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