Swan song

I was just a girl made of broken shards, until you. I couldn't fall in love, until you. I was just inches from giving up, until you. I was broken, until you. I never thought you'd break me too.

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1. Retrospect

I was just a girl made of broken shards, until you.
I couldn't fall in love, until you.
I was just inches from giving up, until you.
I was broken, until you.
I
 never thought you'd break me too.

I have wanted to hate you for so long. For so many reasons and for so many things. For giving me hope. For making me feel special, like I was worth something. For hurting me. For making me feel like you cared, for acting like you did. For making me feel. For you not regretting. For you talking to me afterwards, like everything within me wasn’t hurting. For you smiling at me. For hurting me. For making me cry. For saying it would all be okay.
But mostly for you lying to yourself, and for being okay with it.

I can hate you for many of these things. However, when you put all those reasons together with all the happiness I felt and the good memories, I can’t hate you.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to even though I’ve wanted to for so long.

You’re everywhere. In my thoughts. In the sparkle in my eyes. In my smile. Were. You were everywhere. Now everything just makes me think of you and pain stabs me in the chest.
The smile went away. The same with you.
The sparkle came back. But that ear to ear, no care in the world smile was yours. And you took it. It is still yours. The same with a piece of my heart.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. But it will be okay. It has to be.

I used to think that being broken was something that I would be forever. Being held together by pieces of tape and glue, so that all the shards of my being wouldn’t fall apart.
I used to think that I wasn’t capable of love and that it was just something that wasn’t meant for me. I used to be okay with that. I don’t think I am anymore.
I used to be so close to giving up and just letting it all go. Couldn’t see the point in staying if all I would feel was the ever-changing anxiety and numbness of the world. I’d liked so many people before and had so many people in my life, still had at the time you entered my life. Yet you became my light. You chased away the darkness, or if you couldn’t chase away the darkness then you made me okay with it. You made me accept parts of myself I hated. You made me feel okay.
I was broken before you.
I just never thought you’d break me too.

Someone once told me that the greatest gift you could give somebody was time. Not love. Time. Because when you give somebody your time, you’re giving them a portion of your life that you can never get back.
I would have given you it all. 

Our story was going to be a beautiful one. In some ways, it was.
We both had broken pieces we just wanted mended, and we thought each other were the missing piece that could fix it all. You never know how wrong you were until you look back at it all.

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