Faery Heroes

Response to Paladeus's challenge "Champions of Lilith". Harry, Hermione, and Luna get a chance to travel back in time and prevent the hell that England became under Voldemort's rule, and maybe line their pockets while they're at it. Lunar Harmony; plenty of innuendo, dark humor, some bashing included; manipulative!Dumbles; jerk!Snape; bad!Molly, Ron, Ginny

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8233288/1/Faery-Heroes

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8. Comparing Notes

The two lovebirds ignored the boy. "She's good enough to avoid that, Mione. I'm sure she'll come by in a few minutes, perfectly fine." The door opened, and Harry turned with a smile on his face, which died immediately when he saw it was not his favorite blonde. In fact, it was his least favorite.

"What do you want this time, Malfoy?"

"I came to see how Dumbledore's favorite boy was handling what happened," Draco sneered. All those days spent in front of his bathroom mirror at home were certainly worth it. "Trying not to think about it, Scarhead? Pretending it hasn't happened?"

"Think about what, how small you look next to Crabbe and Goyle? That is certainly hard to ignore." The bodyguards looked stupidly at Potter when they heard their names, and he continued, "Poor children, still using all the muscles except the one that really matters. Then again, your boss doesn't use his, either, so I guess you can be excused."

The blond prince of Slytherin didn't understand the different track this confrontation was taking compared to normal. He was supposed to say something witty; Potty, the Weasel, and the Mudblood would shout and weakly try to threaten him; and he would leave as the winner. The stupid half-blood shouldn't be talking his way out; he was a Gryffindor, after all!

"You've picked the wrong side!" he yelled, trying to catch Harry's attention with volume since his words weren't having the right effect. "I warned you, you ought to choose your company more carefully, remember?" What kind of fool would want to be in the company of Muggle-lovers and Mudbloods, anyway? "When we met on the train, first day at Hogwarts? I told you not to hang around with riffraff like this!"

"You know, I don't think you said that," Potter said quietly, tapping his chin.

Ha, the dumb half-blood was a scaredy-cat in front of his pure greatness! Of course, I wouldn't be like him; I'd turn anyone who tried to threaten me into a toad. Or maybe they could be ferrets, and I'd sic snakes on them! He watched his glorious dream a moment longer, ignoring that he didn't know how to do either of those spells. Purebloods didn't have to learn magic, they ordered and magic obeyed.

"In fact," the Boy-Who-Couldn't-Even-Die continued; it was like he wasn't even paying attention to him! "I think what you actually told me was that you could help me find the 'right sort', or something to that effect. I didn't care then, and I don't now."

"Why not!" he whined. No, Purebloods didn't whine; he must have bellowed, like Father did when one of his little workers was stupid again. Yeah, he bellowed like a real man.

"Draco, Draco, Draco. Drake – you don't mind me calling you Drake, right? – I killed you once already, and you weren't even worth my time. It was an afterthought, really, while I was working your dad over. I mean, you tried to transfigure me into a ferret and hit Parkinson instead. So, no, I don't care, because you weren't a threat then, and you're definitely not one now."

Draco stared at Potter. Weasley stared at Potter. The Mudblood glared at Potter. The two lumps he had following him around stared hungrily at their own feet.

"You weren't supposed to hear that." Potter's wand came out of his sleeve and he pointed it at the three boys. Potter was mad, totally barking, and he was going to kill him! "Obliviate."

…Yeah, he bellowed like a real man.

"Anyway, Malfoy, I'm sure you have other things to do. Consider your normal end of year threat delivered, and we can go our separate ways." Potter didn't have the guts to even listen to his awesome threats. It almost made the late night he had a waste of time. Laughing at Potter shaking in his cheap shoes, Draco Malfoy left to his own compartment, inflated with his magnificent greatness.

"Harry, mate, what was that?"

"Obliviate." Ron went slack-jawed as Hermione lowered her wand. "Really, Harry?"

"Oops?" he said weakly. He hadn't meant for that to come out, but it had been Draco Malfoy. The boy, for not even as an adult had he ever been a man, would talk and talk and talk, but when the time came for him to act, he generally froze. The only reason he held so much influence at Hogwarts was his name and Snape holding his hand.

"Is that all you have to say? Oops? I swear, love, you can normally keep a secret, but that was a Hagrid-worthy slip up."

Ron jerked his head in Hermione's direction. "What are you calling him 'love' for?!"

Harry pointed his wand at the red-head. "Obliviate. I would say that you're being a little dramatic, but I agree that I shouldn't have said it. It's just, it's Malfoy, for Merlin's sake."

"You are almost twenty-five years old, you need to move past this schoolboy grudge you have against him. You're acting as bad as Sirius and Snape!"

"He's only fourteen, Herms!" Ron was hit again by her Memory Charm.

"That's crossing the line, Mione. I haven't tried to feed him to a werewolf or have him Kissed by a Dementor, I just don't like him. You dislike Edgecomb more than I do Malfoy, and yet I don't get on your case about it."

"She sold us out to Umbridge, got a job at the Ministry when Voldemort first took over, and then planned to seduce and murder you! I'm allowed to dislike her!"

"Yes, you are; I'm not denying that. What I am saying is that you two can't even be in the same room without wands being drawn, so it's a bit hypocritical for you to get onto me for disliking Malfoy."

Ron looked between the two of them. "What?"

"Obliviate."

"Harry," she tried again, "it's not that you have a distaste for him that I mind, it's that you told him that we're from the future! Wouldn't you agree that's a bad thing? Obliviate."

"I do agree, and that's why I memory charmed Malfoy and his goons in the first place. If he doesn't remember, he can't tell Lucius or Voldemort, so really the argument is moot."

"You… memo… huh?"

"Obliviate."

"But what are you going to do if you make that mistake in front of someone who isn't incompetent? I doubt you could force yourself to memory charm Sirius, and Moody, Kingsley, and Tonks will all be faster than you."

"You know, all you had to say was that I need to be more careful about what I say. The scolding was entirely unnecessary."

"Purple penguins prancing playfully…"

Hermione sighed as he again wiped the ginger's memory. "You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have scolded you. It's just that I had this image of Voldemort finding out what happened and taking us far more seriously than he will otherwise. I don't want to lose you, Harry."

He pulled her into his lap and hugged her tight. "You're not going to lose me, Hermione; I love you too much to hurt you like that. I'll be more careful, I promise."

"Hem hem." Holly and vine were instantly aimed at the blonde sporting a Cheshire grin. "Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"Luna," he sighed, "don't do that. We put up with quite a bit, but I draw the line at you imitating Umbridge."

She nodded serenely and cast silencing and avoidance charms on the door before she focused on the compartment's other occupant. "If you were going to have fun with Weasley, you should have waited for me. I wanted to get a few licks in."

Ron was not, by anyone's definition, in a good state. His eyes were glazed over, and his hanging jaw allowed a trail of drool to flow down onto his robes. A quick poke, curtesy of Harry's foot, showed him to be completely dead to the world.

Hermione used the opportunity to stun him for good measure. At her lovers' looks, she exclaimed, "Hey, it's a valid medical practice for someone who has been subjected to multiple memory charms in a short time interval. When he wakes up, he'll be mostly back to normal."

"Mostly?" Harry asked.

"Well, he will have trouble concentrating for long periods of time, emotional volatility, reduced social skills, and an inability to prioritize. Nothing he didn't already have."

"Ah." A wave of Luna's wand had Ron transfigured into a pillow, which then served as an additional cushion for her to sit upon. "So, what have you two been up to this morning?"

Harry spoke first. "I had the discussion with Dobby like you asked, and I negotiated him up—"

"Don't you mean negotiated down?" Hermione asked.

"No, up. His first counteroffer was a knut a year and work every day."

"Well," the blonde interjected, "he is Dobby."

"I negotiated him up to access to ten galleons each per month and a day a week where they can do whatever they want."

The eldest of the three frowned. "That's rather loose. He and Winky could decide they want to spend their day off working and never use the money."

"What would you have me do, then; order them to accept whatever I wanted to pay them and ignore how they felt about it?" She swiftly shook her head, remembering the tongue-lashing she had received the previous day from her girlfriend, one much less entertaining than that they usually shared. "I figure that getting him to agree to that was a victory in itself."

Neither girl had any response to that, so Hermione went next. "I broke into the Chamber of Secrets to take a few basilisk fangs, then I ran back up to the Room of Requirement. We are now the proud owners of a one of a pair of Vanishing Cabinets."

"Excellent!" Luna cheered, then pounced onto her for a deep kiss.

Harry, well used to this situation, simply enjoyed waiting for the girls' snog to end before he put forth his question. "How did you even get into the Chamber, Hermione? You can't speak Parseltongue, at least not unless you've been hiding a few skills from us."

Luna also turned to stare at the brunette. "You could have been using your tongue like Harry all these years, and you held out on me?"

"I haven't been hiding anything, Harry, and no, Luna, you haven't been denied having two Parselmouths eat you out. I didn't even worry about 'opening' the Chamber; I just…"

"Yes?" they both asked.

"I may have, hypothetically, sort of… used an explosive curse on the sinks above the entrance?"

They stared at her, and she blushed to the roots of her bushy mane. No matter how much Salazar Slytherin was denigrated, the fact remained that his secret lair was a thousand-year-old historical site, one that only six people in living memory had ever seen. Even the entrance in the girls' lavatory was extremely valuable. To simply demolish it was more than a little out of character for her.

"I used Reparo when I left. No one will even know anything happened."

"Would, Hermione," Luna said. "No one would even know, and you would have repaired it, if you had actually destroyed it. But this is all hypothetical, isn't it?"

Hermione perked up. "Yes, of course. All hypothetical. I would never deface a piece of history like that."

Harry snorted and looked to Luna. "And you?"

She shrugged. "I robbed Filch."

"You WHAT?"

Luna glanced between her lovers before she scooted closer to Harry. She whispered, "I think Mione's going deaf. She can't seem to hear me when I talk."

"I'm not deaf, though there are times when I wish I were. What did you say about robbing Filch?"

"Nothing…"

"Luna, now."

"No. I don't want to, and you can't make me!" She curled up into Harry's chest even more, and he winced, knowing where this was going.

"Luna Lachesis Lovegood, you tell me right now what you did, or so help me, you won't have any pudding for the rest of the summer!"

"No! You can't take away my pudding!" the blonde girl wailed.

"If you act like a child, then Harry and I will treat you like a child."

"Ooh, does this mean I get spankings?" she asked, her mood bouncing back faster that a Puffskien thrown at a rubber wall.

He sighed and interjected, "No, Luna, in fact we won't spank you. How about you just tell us why you robbed Filch so we can avoid all this unpleasantness."

Luna looked between the two and huffed. "Fine, take all the fun out of it. Harry, you told us that the twins took the Marauder's Map from Filch's office. I wondered what else he had confiscated over the years, so I broke in and emptied out everything in the cabinet he labeled highly dangerous." She perked up at Hermione's surprised expression. "Do you want to see?"

He and Hermione looked at each other, then he asked, "Anything we need to see right now?"

She thought for a moment. "I suppose not. Is there something we need to do while we have… privacy?"

"Actually, Luna, I have work for us to do, and you don't even have to take off any clothes for it." Hermione ignored the younger girl's grumbling as she pulled out a day planner. "My parents and I are going to be out of the country for the second half of the summer, starting in mid-July, so we need to hit a few targets while we have the time. Luna, are you going to be here, or does Xeno have another expedition planned?"

"We're going to Sweden to look for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks this year, remember? Though we've already looked there, so maybe we should go somewhere else; we have yet to search in Siberia, after all…"

"When are you leaving, Luna?" She asked in an exasperated tone.

"First of August."

Harry rubbed his hands together in an imitation of old-time cinema villains. "Excellent. That means we have three or four weeks to do recon and possibly strip a few manors. Who shall we start with?"

Hermione wrote a note in the planner. "Before we run our first heist, let's take the Slytherin ring. It and the locket are the only two Horcruces that will be relatively unprotected, and we'll have the locket practically handed to us when Harry returns to… to… I can't remember where it is!"

"I noticed that earlier," Luna said. "It looks like Dumbles cast the Fidelius Charm again, so we'll need to learn the Secret all over again."

"That isn't how the charm works, though! It hides an aspect of whatever object it's hiding, which is… that house, in this case, and can only be exposed by the Secret Keeper. We are Secret Keepers, though, and nothing in the literature mentions the possibility that time travel would negate knowing the Secret."

Harry cleared his throat to grab the girl's attention. "We didn't technically travel back in time, Mione, we traveled across timelines. We never learned the Secret here."

"I suppose you have a point. The effect time displacement has on ward access would be an interesting research topic, but it isn't important right now. We need to get the ring soon, maybe next week?" When neither of her lovers disagreed, she blocked off a section of their summer schedule. "Next we'll run actual jobs. Any suggestions for the first one?"

"Dolohov."

Hermione and Harry stared at Luna. Her voice was grim, and her eyes flinty as she stared at Hermione's chest, where the scar she had gained in the Ministry no longer resided. "He tried to kill you, and almost succeeded," she continued. "Let's rob his arse first."

"If we're going to be satisfying old grudges," Harry said, "I'm putting forth the Greengrass family and Umbitch." The eldest Greengrass daughter, Daphne, had been a member of the same conspiracy to seduce him that Edgecombe was a part of. Unlike the other girls, however, her father was wealthy. Lord Greengrass managed to bribe enough members of the Wizengamot for her charges to be dropped, only to turn right around and have the three of them convicted of 'defaming her character'. Harry hadn't been too affected, as the Potters still had a large amount of gold in Gringotts, and Hermione had little of value to the Purebloods, but Luna had lost the Rook and all her family's land when the Wizengamot characteristically folded to one of the old families.

Umbridge needed no explanation.

"They are certainly worthy of losing everything, but Umbridge is mine; let's leave her property until we've broken her at Hogwarts." Hermione said. "I think we should see how these three tasks work out and what we need to improve on before we plan any further. We don't need to have too much on our plates.

"Since we still have several hours left before we get to London, should we get our annoying summer work out of the way?"

Luna's wand was out in a flash. "Who are you, and what have you done to Hermione Granger? Everyone knows she would never insult the noble cause of homework!"

A glare was all that the blonde received, and Harry was quite proud that he hadn't laughed yet. "I may like learning, but we have already written all of this. It is not informative or purposeful; it is a tedious waste of time when we have a lot to do this summer. Now, hop to it." He and Luna shared an exasperated look and pulled out their own assignments. It was indeed tedious, part of the reason they would have been willing to put it off for a little while longer.

They finished their last essays only ten minutes before they finally arrived at King's Cross.

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