Winnie Resigns

everything is about is My story, is real thoughts, experience

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2. Relationship & Heart broken & Freedom

 

Dear Diary,

I was on a on and off relationship with a guy for 3 years. It started in 2015 in September 16. We first starting talking about this other guy that I liked, he helped me try and get him to like me back (the crush) but we talked so much that I began to like him and I didn’t realise that. I didn’t realise he had a girlfriend the whole time. We kept on talking until I fell for him but I never admitted it I felt it was a sign of weakness so, I just hid it until I don’t know I thought he liked me back but then we began to date but then he still had a girlfriend..... Right now, honestly if I knew he had a girlfriend that time I would have never dated him at all, would have left him out of my life. But back then I didn’t know we dated for a week or so he would keep breaking up with me. We started dating each other on the 16th of September on a Wednesday. We broke up on and off we stopped talking for a while and then I don’t know..... he messaged me on my birthday and said happy birthday and I guess the feelings and memories of all the good & bad things came back to me, I began to have a crush on this guy I will call him Peter. Me and Peter had a really strong connection and I guess it wasn’t always an exciting type of relationship I had with my ex that cheated on me. Months went pass and things changed, I began to let him go slowly and talk to different guys (Peter and I couldn’t be together cause the feelings wasn’t there). It was around October/November when he messaged me and I don’t know it was a beautiful paragraph and everything him saying he is sorry and he wants me and wants to change. I guess I don’t know a part of me was waiting for that to happen, was hoping he finally realised it was me the whole, I would never do anything to hurt him..... and then I don’t know I told myself I wouldn’t date him again cause he kept hurting me and everything all I do is sleep in tears and wonder what was wrong with me..... but then he said it to my face, he was sorry, he wanted me and wanted to change, so I forgave him and let everything go... so weeks went pass and we dated for 3 weeks straight and then had many arguments about hoes/ chicks that wanted him and how it made me feel uncomfortable and how I didn’t want that. So we dated for a while on and off had our 1 month and everything and then it hit 2017, (we began dating in 2015) and we had to make a choice to date the whole year without one single break. We said if we broke up no more getting back together cause have done for too long. So we date til the end of January when something happened he told how he got a handjob and head before and that made me feel uncomfortable, Isnt wasn’t really the thing that made me uncomfortable, it was the fact that when we talked in November 2016 he told me he never did it before (got a handjob and everything) but all the sudden he did and I don’t know i guess it made me feel as if he cheated on while we were dating....... that mostly why, I just couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore.... and that mostly why we ended it, I didn’t tell him that I felt he cheated on me cause I need to get over him. I been through so much for him I forgave him when he called “Thot, Slut, Hoe, said I open my legs to any guy” when he also cheated on me twice probably more, I don’t even know. But its been 6 days since we broke up I’m going to be honest, I still do have feelings for him. At times I do drake (when you listen to sad songs or just feel depressed) about him, because although we had so many fights, arguments, disagreement and everyone hating us and telling us not be in a relationship with each other, I trusted him and we told each other things we never told someone before, we didn’t care about others opinion, we still wanted each other. But everything changed cause when we broke up he told my friends (his friends too) that he broke up with me cause, Im a “slut, I talked to a lot of guys (when we dated I didn’t talk to any guy, I always screenshotted when some guy messaged me, I sent it to him yet I still am a slut to him) I lost Respect for him FOREVER. I never said anything bad to him or about him, yet he is always hating me and I got the kind heart to forgive him through everything, sometimes I wished i had a type of confidence to say to him everything that hurts me, I waiting on the day. I get up and say everything and I mean everything no holding back or anything because I'm not going to hurt myself for no body, I'm growing up to be someone stronger with a lot of confidence..... Here is my Goodbye to the last 3 years message

Tbvh, I felt as if I lost myself. Idk who I was. I put him first above everything and always tried to make him proud of me or make him love me more. At time I felt I was so happy I never wanna feel down again, He made me happy, yea I always had some negative thing to say but tbvh that taught me to enjoy every single moment, I spent day & night thinking about him and only him. At times I would cry because life was shit and then I told him and he told wassgood and wassup and made it much better for me. But then there was times where, he was the reason I felt lonely, wasn’t good enough. Cause I felt he wanted so much from me and that started bringing up anxiety. But he was my smile but then he was a part of me that I lost and tbvh we told each other everything he even said things he never told any of his friends. That bought us closer, I helped him through dark times and he helped me, at times he felt I was taking him for granted and I felt the same. The thing is we been on n off for soo long that we both change and became someone each other cant stand at times. We have great days but we always had a bad day. We got through the tough times by lifting each other up but we always got hate from everyone around and that at times was the thing that brought us in an argument and my mouths for always complaining. I do love him after all the thing I do with my whole heart, but its not meant to be....

TBVH this most painful thing like im so hurt rn all I wanna do is scream and cry. I already did in the shower but anywaysss  GOTTA DO SOME SQUATSSSS. GOTTA MAKE HIM WISH HIS STILL HAD THAT ASS FR.........I have spent 3 years with him although at times we weren’t together he was always the reason why I never full feel for another guy cause I wanted him more than anything but, times change and we drifted away and I gotta move on and so does he. Although a part of me with probably still have him for a long time, it will take someone like an angel to get me inlove with them as much as I was/am with him.... But I wanna focus on myself now, I wanna do good for me. I don’t want to feel hurt, like I need someone there, like I have to deepened on someone to always be there. In 3 years I lost myself trying to make everyone happy around me but Its time to make myself happy, if it means I loose everyone in the process then I’m sorry I want to be happy again, I use to be happy everyday with a smile. Im tired of faking my happiness for everyone benefits Im hurt in every way and Im not saying it was his fault cause he always comes around and saying me saying its his fault tbvh its no one fault, time pass by and ppl change.

 I will forever miss our happy days but I gotta find my happy place now..... I gotta be strong. Im not going to be a hoe, or go fucking with niggas and playing them because I learnt so much about myself over these years and I have become stronger in some areas but 3 FUCKING YEARS FARRR THANK YOU XX FOR TEACHING MME THAT I AM STRONG, I CAN GET THROUGH IT, IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT if u love someone U NEVER GIVE UP. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS..... if you give it aint Love. Im actually in so much pain I never realise it. Time to say goodbye and get back the smile on my face. I have grown up and doing bigger and better things now. Each day imma miss you but Imma be tough enough one day to fully let you go.....

Winnie xx

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