Dear Kevin #1

This is to my Kevin, whom is a girl, and one of my besties.


1. 1/31/17 - The Truth

Dear Kevin,

            I don't even know where to start, what to say, what to do. This is scary. I don't know why. Well I do. Let's start with being honest here.

           I thought that maybe I was just a game to you........ That you didn't really care. That you were using me. That maybe we weren't ever really best friends after all. So I stopped hoping. I mean, all the proof was there. You didn't really ever talk to me. And when you did, it was just a little. I understood at the time that you were busy but eventually I came to terms with myself that you didn't really care. (at the time I thought so I see now that I was wrong.) So I did everything to get over you. And I did. Now you're here again. Talking to me. Reading my stories. I don't know what to feel. I just really feel panic. I don't know what to do. What to think. You just kinda popped up. Do you know how it feels how to just feel so much pain over someone and finally giving into the negative things you hoped weren't true, then that person pops again back in your life, somehow finding you, reaching out to you, shattering all the walls that you put up to that person? It scary, Kevin. It so damn scary. It's a lot to process and think about.

          I know none of this you wanted to hear, read or whatever, but it's true. And I'm so so so sorry. I sware I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just being honest. There is no point in lying to you. After everything, I know I can trust you as much as I trust Shelby and Joseph. But after all these years, I just started having trouble holding onto you. I was scared. So I gave into my fears. 

          Trust me, I haven't forgot a thing. I just shut that little voice up in my head nagging me about you, telling me that you weren't what you seemed to be. I'm open to letting you back into my life, but it scares me. I have that diorder y'know? The Reactive Attachment Disorder. And when someone hurts me (or I think did in this case) I shut them out, scared to let them back in. So I shut them out so they won't hurt me again. But I want you back in.

        I really badly hope you understand. Please don't take it all to heart. Trust me, what I thought was true, I know isn't true. You proved that by tracking me down like you did and what you wrote.

             I love you.....



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