Moon Dust

"The brightness of the sun,
will give me just enough,
to bury my love, in the moondust.
I long to hear your voice,
but still, I make the choice
to bury my love,
in the moondust." ~ Jaymes Young "Moondust"

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"Dalia, I think there's something else going on. What I did, couldn't have made you this upset."

As much as I despised this teacher, she was right. She wasn't the problem at all and I wasn't strong enough to allow my personal problems stay personal. Why does everything remind me of him? How come staring outside at night or looking at a woman hold her baby remind me of what we had? Every day, I'd think about things that would make me happy. But whatever it was, it wasn't here like it should be. 

"Come on, let's sit down." There was a long pause before she said anything. Her job wasn't to analyze a teenager's thoughts and then come up with some instant conclusion. She's an Algebra teacher, not a therapist. "So tell me what's wrong."

What's wrong? Everything. I was way too embarrassed to tell her what's wrong. So instead, I tell her what I did last night. 

"Last night..." I inhale a large breath and try to steady my breathing. "I tried to overdose. I have a hard time sleeping, so I have some over-the-counter sleeping pills. There are two in each and I accidentally bit down on one. So I took two more...and then another two, and another two. Once I ran out of those, I took about 5 Ibuprofens. A half hour later, I can hardly breathe or concentrate on anything. My body is shaking and my stomach...it was like having butterflies, but instead it's not that good feeling. It was horrible. But it didn't work. My mother didn't notice, at all."

At this point, I was tired of trying to stay strong. I let the thoughts of him take over and I think about what I had lost. I lost him. He's never coming back. 

"Dalia...killing yourself is not going to make anything better. Think about all the people you're going to be hurting."

I wouldn't be hurting anyone. You see, the thing is, when suicide is on your mind, people do actually think of the pros and cons of leaving the people who you love and who supposedly loved you back. Back when everything comes back together, you then begin to think about all the horrible things they've said or done. You think about how you wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and always ponder the thought of being prettier. All of those things weigh out the pros of living life and that's when start your planning. 

It sucks, I know. But sometimes that's how people go. They say it's a sin to take away your own life, but considering everyone's feelings towards me, it's a sin for me to even be alive. The Bible is an unintelligible thing. I don't even understand half the shit it says in there. I tried reading it once and only made it to the second page. Adultery is a sin, being sexually interested in your own gender is a sin yet people tell you to be yourself. How can you be when you're also being criticized with every decision you make in life? I could walk into a church, listen to the pastor give a sermon and still disagree with what he says. Maybe I am stubborn. I choose to believe in my own thoughts and not ones that can't be proven. Yes, I'm one of those people who have to see to believe. I never believed in Santa. 

As I grow older and have children, I'll make them believe in Santa by dressing up in a Santa suit, stuffing pillows through the shirt and then make a loud clutter on purpose so the children can come downstairs and see. Then they will believe. You know, until I come clean of course. Or maybe they'll figure it out on their own like I did. 

I'll be a great mother to my children. When they come home, I'll ask them how school was and always keep their interests in mind. When they're around me, I'll make them feel comfortable enough to tell me about personal problems so that when I do find out that they've been hurting...it won't be too late. There will be no step dads because I have a hard time trusting them. Around me, they'll be sweet and loving. But I know that as soon as I close a door behind me, they're being rude to my children, or worse. My husband will be careful, sweet, and honest. When we argue he won't give up and just say that I'm right. He'll reason with me and if I'm being stubborn, he'll tell me straight to my face. That's how it'll be. 

That's how it's supposed to be. 

Later that day, I got the same talk with my school counselor. The whole 'think about who you will be hurting' thing. It was a pathetic excuse, but I guess it works for them in some cases. In others, no one would care at all. It's just another death about a suicide and the after three days it's forgotten. Mine will be the exact same. So why did it matter? The Earth will still turn, the Sun will still rise, and the moon will complete it's everyday routine. 

 

I would be dead and forgotten.

 

 

 

 

*Just to let everyone know, this is sort of like a diary since it is based on true events and relates to the actual thoughts and feelings of the person's point of view. 

I would greatly appreciate feedback and tips on how to improve my way of writing. :) 

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