i am afraid

a one-shot, written in a sort of poetry form.

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1. fears

i am very scared. 

more, i am afraid. 

i think i am having panic attacks

i breathe quickly

my heart gets fast

my arm feels numb

i don't know why

its not that i know i cant do it

i can

i am afraid to

i don't know many things

i am expected to know

i am quiet

i have to be loud

i am weak

i have to be strong

i am a coward

i need to be brave

i need to know what i am doing

i do

but i am afraid of it all

i am afraid it'll be me

and the asshole 

maybe others too

me against the world

i am scared

i have responsibility

i don't use it

i stay quiet

i make stupid jokes

i goof off

i am not serious

i need to know when to be serious

i need to loosen my leash a little bit

i need to cut back on my jokes

i need to get louder

i need to get braver

i need to know the line 

between good and bad

i am afraid of it

it means i am moving forward

i don't want to move forward

i don't want to more backwards

i want things to be the way they were last time

but it wont

things change

people change

i dont change

and the people who were good

the experienced ones

are leaving

leaving me to do it all

like they did

but worse

i am so afraid of it all

when i think of it

i start to shake

tears come to my eyes

i breathe heavily

no one knows

i don't know if they care

maybe if i told them

they would stay

but i understand them wanting to leave

they've done it all before

they want a new experience

i want one too

but i am loyal

i thought things would stay

but i am alone now

because they all have moved on

its not too late 

for them to stay

they just don't want to

if i talked to them

they'd think me crazy

i dont know most of them

that well

they'd just think 

theres something wrong

as i shake and tears come to my eyes

and my hands sweat more and i cover my face

and shake

maybe a weak hug

but it won't make them stay

with me

and the asshole

i don't want to be

with the asshole

there'll be others too

but none that really matter

they mean things to me

i hate it

but they do 

like a gang

we don't talk a lot

maybe once a week for an hour

i tried to text

but it was weird

i think i over familiarized myself

by thinking too much

this has caused a lot of stress

in just 3 days

i am so afraid of whats to come

whats already happened

i want things to stay like they are

i want things to change

i want to move forward

i am so scared to do so

i want things to go backwards

but then i won't have this

i want to cry

i want things to 

i don't know what i want

i want to not be afraid

but i am

of everything

help me

be with me

i know they'll never read this

i know it doesn't matter

but it does

to me

 

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