Fear Of The Water

"What is depression like?" He whispered.
"It's like drowning, except you see everyone around you breathing."


2. 2.0

2 Years Later

With a loud buzzing sound, the gates opened. My mother's car was waiting outside and for the first time in my life, I was frightened of her. After what happened, she put down a lot of money for me, for my safety and to soothe her concerns. Money was never a problem to us and after this, I don't know how my mother is financially. Mentally, I had some ideas but I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. After the traumatic event, the last thing I need on my mind is how everybody else was feeling. Yes, everyone around me suffered somehow but I felt like I suffered the most. The fact that I did something I never thought I could do, scares the hell out of me. It just proves to me that life can take sharp turns even though you knew that you were on the route you had planned to be on in the first place.

"Put your things in the back." She says, bluntly. 

Now I know how this whole car ride is going to go. I expected her to get out of the car and hug me. Thankful that her daughter didn't get beaten and bruised while she was in juvie. Instead, she dangles her hand, which is holding a half-smoked cigarette, out of the window and turns up some Green Day. Since when did she start listening to Green Day? 

I went to the back and stuffed my things in the trunk, which wasn't much. I wasn't able to pack a lot of things due to safety concerns from the staff members and my mom. A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have ever thought that I would harm myself but lately,  I began to question my mental stability. Nowadays, my mind wanders and sometimes that normal for a teenage girl, but my mind takes me to places that I never thought I would go. It's like reading a book and being so into it, that you replace your physical surroundings with what you imagine in the book. It always reminded me of when I stepped out of that car...the feeling constantly consumes me and I end up screaming and covering my ears, hoping that no one could hear my screams. But how could they not? 

"How was juvie?" She asks. I didn't expect her to ask that. Honestly, why would I? It's not the first question I would want to ask but I guess this is my new mother. Right now, I missed the one before all this shit happened. 

"Could've been better," I tell her, looking out the window. It's been awhile since I've seen things that I enjoy move quickly past me. I missed the wind whipping past my face and making my wild hair dance in the air. 

She grunts. "Jace has been calling a lot for the past few weeks. Missed you a lot, that boy."

"At least someone did," I mumbled.

"Hey, I missed you too. Things haven't been easy without you home. It's just that, this was a huge turn towards our life together. Not just money-wise, but emotionally. I've been torn without you home."

"You have a weird way of showing it. I mean come on, how was juvie? Did you really think that was the right thing to ask your daughter?"

"Sorry," She takes a small puff of her cigarette and then throws it out the window. 

"You don't even like smoking, do you? And what happened to not disrespecting nature?"

"Things change, people change."

I look at her, really look at her. She had small bags forming under her eyes and her hair was thinning and turning gray. Her forehead was taking on small wrinkles like she always rose her eyebrows in confusion. Like she was just always in thought. The nail polish on her fingernails was chipping off and you could dark spots where she's decided to peel it off instead of using Nail Polish Remover. It wasn't until she turned to me to complain about my staring that I noticed the nose piercing.

"You tell me that it's a sin to mark my body and pierce my skin but you do exactly what you have forbidden me to do? A year in juvie and my mother has already given up."

"I haven't given up on anything. When that judge had only sentenced you to a year in juvie, all of my energy, hope, and praying had been worth it, Miracle. Do you know what would have happened if they would have considered the ultimatum even longer? You would be in prison right now. You'd be worse than me."

"But I'm not in prison, I'm fine. So you can stop this whole 'I'm a bad ass mom' and continue what we had a year ago."

"it's not that easy." She says softly.

I have no idea what my mom had been doing for the past year. All I know is that I didn't like the person she was now. She cares, I know that. But she doesn't care enough to even start considering acting her age. The best thing to do right now is to just drop it. And once she sees that her daughter is back home, maybe then she'll be able to open her eyes and realize that things can change. We can change. I look outside and stare out at everything. Taking in the beautiful scene of birds chasing birds and the wind creating unintelligible music with nature itself. This is beautiful. But why hadn't I enjoyed this then as much I do now? I had almost fell asleep. Almost. Until I noticed the water rising from the ground and spilling onto the deserted street.

"Mom?" I tap her arm, not taking my eyes off of the water. "Mom, drive faster...drive faster..."

"Miracle? What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing is out there." She shouts. "Stop hitting me or we're gonna get into an accident."

"No!" I lose it. "No...no...no..."

"Miracle, calm down."

The car slow downs and moves closer to the water until it comes to a complete stop. It stays there. The blue mass of death stay there, waiting for something and I don't know what it is. But it's coming.

"Miracle..." She grabs my hands that were just placed over my ears. "Miracle, calm down. It's nothing. Nothing is out there. You're going home, sweety. And everything is going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out..." She repeats herself over and over and I do exactly what she says. On the other side, the water is receding and seeping back into the ground. 

The birds are chasing birds and the wind is creating unintelligible music with nature itself. 

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