Break On Me

"Maybe it's not about the happy ending.. Maybe it's about the story."

Sometimes it’s hard to accept what is, and it’s hard to go along with something even though you know you could do better.. But how come it’s so easy to slip up? So easy to say the wrong thing, use the wrong words, or even make the wrong moves? Sometimes we just all need to break.. in more ways than just mentally. I want you to know, that no matter what, I will always be here for you.. whether you like it or not, if you want me here or if you want me to live.. If you love me, or if you hate.. You can always break on me baby.

We loose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too..


65. Chapter 064



The water is perfect, not too cold, not too hot. Harry steps into the shower and closes the glass door behind him. He sighs as he holds the wash cloth under the water to get it wet. I watch him rub the soap bar on the rag, trying to get it soapy enough.
My head drops down in shame as I stare at my stomach, thinking of what used to be in there just hours ago. Harry’s hand grabs mine and he lifts it up some. He starts at my shoulder – scrubbing my skin with the soap filled cloth. I bite my lip nervously as I continue to look at my stomach.
Harry gets down with that arm quickly and grabs my waist with his hands, carefully guiding me as I turn around in a full circle so he can get the other side. He repeats the same routine again on my left arm.
My heart is barely beating, my lungs are hardly filling with air. My body is aching, my head is banging, my heart is broken. I’ve thought that I have felt heartbreak before, but truly this is what it feels like. I’d rather be six feet in the ground than be here feeling this pain.
It’s like screaming, but no one can hear you. It’s like dying but no one believes you. It feels like a lie – like it shouldn’t be occurring.
God only knows the reason why he took my baby from me – and I just want to ask him straight forward, but I can’t find the strength to even speak to a human standing right in front of me. I try to pray, but I don’t want to think about my lost baby.
At least it’s in Heaven with all the angels – this world is such a horrible place, and thankfully it’s safe up there in the sky, way past the clouds, far beyond the stars.
“I.. I had names.. I was.. going to tell you about.” I mutter out as Harry steps behind me, running the rag up and down my back.
I hear him sniff, I’ve never seen him cry so much – but this time I completely understand him, and I don’t dare blame him for letting his emotions free. He’s hurting, and I know it because so am I.
“Tell me… what you were thinking.” He says with a light cough, clearing his throat. I haven’t heard his voice as much as I’ve wanted to, but I’m just glad he’s got the strength to be around me. How could he want to take care of the person that can’t even take care of his baby?
“If it was a girl.. I was thinking.. Abigail.. or maybe Danielle.” I say, my voice a little cracked as I tell him these beautiful names I thought of.
“Those are beautiful.” Harry says as he runs the rag quickly down the back of my legs before standing up again. He moves in front of me and gives me a gentle smile before beginning to do the front side of my legs.
“And for a boy.. I thought about.. Chandler or Jeremiah.” My mouth forms a light smile as I think of the what-if’s. Our baby would have been beautiful, I just know it with all of my heart. Kind hearted and a sweet soul, so perfect – if only I could have held it, kissed it, or even just seen it once..
“I love those, Emmy.” Harry says as he stands up straight again, his lips leaning down to mine. Softly he places a kiss against the corner of my mouth, I just know he knows I didn’t want much – but a little peck was perfect, it made me smile a little bigger. At least I know he was looking forward to the baby as much as I was.
“I thought about Hudson.. or Emmanuel for a boy.” Harry says as he grabs my hand, squeezing it as tight as he could – with all the strength he could gather in his body.
“I love those, Harry.” I mutter out as I tears forming in my eyes.
“And for a girl.. I really liked Penelope or Gretchen.” He tells me, a few tears falling from his beautiful eyes.
“Beautiful.” I whisper back to him as let out a soft sigh – it hurts me so bad, I can’t even think about it without feeling a few tears trailing down my eyes.
Harry sits down on the side of the tub as he brings the wash cloth between my legs, taking my attention. “Open your legs, love.” He tells me. I part my legs and he brings to clean me up. I looked down at the wrong time – there was still blood dripping, and it when it hit the water it spread and disappeared. I gulp gently, calm down Emmy – just keep yourself collected, and everything will be okay in the long run. The baby is safe, you’re okay, Katie’s okay, and Harry’s okay. Just calm down please.
But I can’t.



It’s nearing 5 in the morning. Emmy finally cried herself to sleep in my arms an hour ago. Katie is asleep in the nurse’s lap – honestly I’m glad she’s in here, I couldn’t take care of both of my girls right now.
It took the nurses almost forty five minutes to clean up the bathroom. They put us in another room though. I had to force Emmy to get in the shower, and even when she finally got in she made me come with her. But that was okay with me, I know I needed to be with her. She’s feeling horrible, and so I am. But her body is falling apart inside and she can’t function all the way.
She’s losing any sanity she once had before going into that bathroom. And as for me, well, my nerves are gone and my heart is shattered into trillions of pieces. The only good thing out of this all is that our baby is resting in Heaven, waiting for us to get there one day.
God’s plan so far me isn’t well, but perhaps it will play out in the end. As far as the last twelve hours goes, the end might be near.
When I stepped into the bathroom and saw Emmy practically bathing in the blood, I felt so much pain in my body, in my mind and heart, even in my soul. I’ve never experienced such a horrible feeling, and I hope I will never have to feel that again.
It’s like someone laid me down on a bed of nails and dropped a ton of bricks on top of me. Or it feels like being sat on fire. I don’t even really know what to relate it to – it’s just horrible. I’d rather die than have to feel that pain again.
I’m trying my best to thank of a good memory, but everything seems to be blurry to me.


I know I know Sad :(

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