Break On Me

"Maybe it's not about the happy ending.. Maybe it's about the story."

Sometimes it’s hard to accept what is, and it’s hard to go along with something even though you know you could do better.. But how come it’s so easy to slip up? So easy to say the wrong thing, use the wrong words, or even make the wrong moves? Sometimes we just all need to break.. in more ways than just mentally. I want you to know, that no matter what, I will always be here for you.. whether you like it or not, if you want me here or if you want me to live.. If you love me, or if you hate.. You can always break on me baby.

We loose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too..


43. Chapter 042

My heart was pounding, my blood rushing through my body. There was one thing on my mind, what if I really am pregnant? I haven’t been able to predict my periods since I had Katie, the pregnancy put my body in shock and some certain things got a tad screwed up, one of those things resulting in me having irregular period cycles.
So maybe, by some chance, I’ll just be in one of those off stages and it’ll hit me soon. But from the way my life’s been looking lately, I’m most likely pregnant. It worries me more than I let on, because what if something happens? I had a rather awful pregnancy with Katie and she was so little when she was born. I’m scared, not for me, but for the baby that might be inside of me.
“Matthews?’’ I heard my name called out in the room. Carly and I both look towards the direction at the same time, seeing a man standing there in a pair of dark blue scrubs. Harry wouldn’t like this.
“He’s cute.’’ Carly mumbles as she smirks over at me.
“C’mon.’’ I say with a laugh as I stand up, grabbing my purse and my phone from the empty chair beside me.
We go over to the door where the guy stands, he gives me a too friendly look as he opens the door for us. I gulp gently, I hope he’s not one of those weird doctors who likes to grope around more than necessary.
“Room 2, please.’’ He says with a sigh.
I reach the room rather quickly, my hand grabbing the knob and turning it. The room was cold, as were most hospitals anyways. I go in and sit down in the chair. Carly sits beside me, sitting her purse down beside her on the floor. I soon do the same while the doctor shuts the door gently.
“Emmy, isn’t it?’’ He asks as he sits down on the leather stool.
“Um, yes.’’ I reply to him, a little nervous about what is to come. I watch him as he opens up a laptop and presses a button. The screen pops on, apparently already on what he needed because he starts to type. It was too far away for me to read, not that I was concerned anyways.
“So how are you going to tell him, you know, if you are? He’s going to flip.’’ Carly mumbles, her hand hitting against my thigh to get my attention.
“Well he knows that Dr. Evans had my appointment set up, he just didn’t know it was today. I’ll just.. if I have to, I’ll just tell him they called and rescheduled it for today.. and from there.. I guess I’ll carry on the lie.’’ I admit the plans forming in my head at the mention of this.
“I assume, by your conversation, that someone important doesn’t know you’re here?” The doctor says, his voice was loud as it filled the small room.
“My.. fiancé, he um.. doesn’t know.’’ My conscious told me to keep calm and just speak to the man, keep my mind off Harry for now. It’s hard, but I must in order to concentrate.
“I’m sorry, I’m Dr. Wilson. And a blood test must be serious to him?’’ He says, quite confused as he looks over at me.
“Um.. no, well.. It’s not the test itself..’’ I mumble, staring down at my lap. I began to freeze up inside, this man is asking a little too much. But yet again he’ll be reading the results and he’ll see it if it’s true, so why am I acting this way? I know.
Harry isn’t here. It’s driving me crazy. The pressure is getting to me and I don’t have him here to tell me it’s okay. Carly’s good support, but Harry is the best in times like this – at least for me.
“Your psychiatrist just wanted a test to check up on your iron levels, red blood cells, the usual. I don’t see the issue.’’ He states.
“Emmy and her psychiatrist think she’s pregnant, doctor.’’ Carly blurts out, not wanting to hear the ramble on any longer. She’s smart for that.
“Oh.’’ Dr. Wilson says, his eyes meeting mine as I look over to see his reaction. He raises his eyebrows before looking away, grabbing his clipboard and pen. He rolls the stool over to me, stopping in front of me. I gulp gently to myself, I hated when other people – especially men – touch me or even ask me these question I know are coming, but he’s a professional and I have to act normal for once.
“When was your last menstrual cycle?’’ He questions, looking at me with the pen clicked down, ready to fill in the form.
“I um.. I have to think, I have irregular cycles.’’ I say as I close my eyes, resting my chin in my hand as my elbow digs into the metal arm of the chair. I sigh, not even remembering. Was it before Rio?
“I don’t know, I.. My fiancé usually can keep up.. it’s been.. too long.’’ I admit to him.
“I would insist you call him and ask, but you obviously wouldn’t want to raise any suspicions. So, we’ll just let the test reveal your wonders.’’ He tells me with a light smile as he writes something on the paper.
“Alright.’’ The word left my mouth in a sigh, he was right, I surely don’t want Harry to worry about anything.
I watch his actions as he grabs his stethoscope from around his neck and puts the tips in his ears. He gestures to me lean closer to him as he rolls the stool towards me, his knees bumped mine. From the corner of my eye I saw Carly’s eyes widen at the sight, she knew it was wrong but she didn’t say anything, nor do I.
“Just breath in.. and out.. slowly.’’ He says as he presses the end to my chest. I could feel the cold metal through my shirt, it gave me the chills as he pressed it harder against me.
He gives me a nod as he tilts closer, looking down between us as he reaches his arm around me, pressing the cold circled piece against my back. He moves it a little, trying to get a good place. I continue the easy breathing, trying not to seem too tensed as he stayed just an inch away from me.
His cologne was strong, like he took a bath in the bottle itself. I scrunched my nose at the smell, nothing I liked and that is definitely good. Soon Dr. Wilson stands up and sits the tool down on the counter. He opens the door and steps out into the hallway, for what reason I don’t know but I’m quite glad he’s gone.
“So he was close.’’ Carly mutters to me.
“I know, he smelt like a strip club.’’ I mumble back to her. She gives me a chuckle before shaking her head, not expecting me to comment like that.
“Why’d he even check my breathing? I’m here for someone to stick me with needle and get my blood.. not that.’’ I sigh out as I cross my ankles, my eyes staring down at my boots.
“Perhaps he.. wanted to touch all over you.’’ She says, bumping her shoulder against mine. I roll my eyes with a smile, she’s just a fun person and she just makes me smile.
“This is Audrey, she’ll be drawing your blood today.’’ Dr. Wilson appears in the room out of nowhere and I sit up straight, trying to leave a good image for myself in these people’s eyes.
“Hey, I know you! Aren’t you um, shoot!.. Um.. Emmy! Emmy, right? Aren’t you with-‘’ I cut her off, already tired of hearing that mess come from her mouth.
“Harry Styles, yeah.’’ I finish her strung out sentence for her. She gives me a soft smile as she sits down on the stool, Dr. Wilson rolling a cart of stuff over to her.
My eyes watch her hands as they grab a long blue rubber band. She lifts my arm with her hand. I hold it up in the air, I’m not stupid I know what to do so I don’t want her to think I don’t.
“Just a little tight, not for long though.’’ She says as she ties the band around my bicep. I give her a nod as she continues to get her stuff ready.
“I’ll let your veins get good and ready before I start.’’ She says as she watches my arm. I could feel the slight numbness, but it didn’t really bother me. I have no fear of blood, no worry about needles. I’ve had plenty of razor blades slashed through my skin, someone little needle is nothing to be.
It’s a bad thing to brag about, but it’s simply true.
“Here we go.’’ She says as her fingers press against a vein the bend of my elbow, a place I usually get stuck in anyways.
Audrey opens a small package and pulls out an alcohol wipe. She brushes over my skin with it, making sure it was ready to be punctured by the thin needle. She mumbles an approval to herself as she gets the needle from the cart. Removing the cab, she pats the ends of her fingers against the spot she wants, to get the blood to rise better.
Carly wasn’t paying attention, she stated earlier that she was going to try her best not to witness it, she hated blood and it disturbed her. Well, as for me, it’s nothing new.
I did feel a little weird though, displaying my scared arm to the nurse and the doctor both, revealing my past for them. It doesn’t take a genius to come up with a list of reasons why someone would scar themselves, so I know they understand. Well, they might know – but they might not understand.
I felt the coldness of the needle against my skin as she pushed it some. It broke my skin and slide inside of me, blood began to drain into the tube. Why am I feeling some relief watching this? It’s wrong, I know, I need to look away but I honestly can’t. It’s been so long since I felt the sensation, and at least this time it’s for a good reason.
“And after we get the results we’ll email you a copy and fax you one, I think you added the fax number too didn’t you?’’ Dr. Wilson asks me.
“Yeah, it’s my fiancé’s but I’ll receive it.’’ I nod to him. All I know that is around ten in the morning I will have to make a trip to Harry’s office, thankfully it’s just the one at the house and not his actual building. He won’t be home, he’ll be working anyways, and that’s another plus for my mission.
My deadly, screwed up, most likely to fail.. mission.    
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