Break On Me

"Maybe it's not about the happy ending.. Maybe it's about the story."

Sometimes it’s hard to accept what is, and it’s hard to go along with something even though you know you could do better.. But how come it’s so easy to slip up? So easy to say the wrong thing, use the wrong words, or even make the wrong moves? Sometimes we just all need to break.. in more ways than just mentally. I want you to know, that no matter what, I will always be here for you.. whether you like it or not, if you want me here or if you want me to live.. If you love me, or if you hate.. You can always break on me baby.

We loose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too..


29. Chapter 028

The intense stare Harry was giving me was nothing new, I’ve gotten this look a thousand times before in the past. I sigh, knowing he wants to know so badly, I just know he does. If he didn’t, then he wouldn’t be staring at me like that, he wouldn’t be picking at this fingernails without looking as he waited for me to open my mouth, he wouldn’t be silent.
My heart wanted to tell him right away, but my mind fought against it within seconds. This is why I was feeling horrible before going to bed, this is the reason why I’ve been up for hours just letting myself fall apart. There was nothing I could do about this, nothing but mentally freak out and lose my cool.
In my heart I knew Harry wanted to know what was wrong with me, he wants to make everything better – wants to make sure I am okay. But my mind told me otherwise. What if he doesn’t care? What if he doesn’t get bothered by this like I did? Would he doubt us all after this was told? What would really happen?
None of my questions would be answered if I didn’t tell him. I know I must, I just have to. My conscious was killing me, I just wanted to hold his hand and spill it all – but at the same time, I just wanted to lock myself away and keep it inside of me, away from everyone and everything else.
I look over at him, my eyes meeting his. He gives me a light smile, his hand still placed on my knee, his thumb rubbing circles against my skin. He knew it would soothe me a little, remind me that it’s going to be okay – somewhat okay that is. I returned the soft smile to him and I knew that made him feel a little better about this all when he sighed, his eyes looking away from mine.
“If.. you tell me, love.. then.. maybe I.. I can help.’’ Harry insists with another sigh leaving his mouth, he’s tired I know, the lack of sleep gaining up on him. It was still the early morning hours, no sign of the sun any time soon.
“The.. letter.’’ I let the words slip from my lips in a whisper.
His eyes shoot to mine and he furrows his eyebrows, curious to know what exactly I was talking about, and plus he was shocked that the letter I received was the center of this all.
“The.. letter? I thought you were sick.. wait. This has hit.. more than your immune system.’’ Harry quickly realizes that the so called sickness of mine is a little more than organ function deep.
I give him a nod, glad that he knows partly, at least he knew something and not nothing. I heard him gulp to a little too loud to himself, a sign that told me he was nervous. He was afraid, for me.
“So.. you’re telling me.. someone send you a damn letter.. and whatever was in this letter.. made you-‘’ Harry stops himself as he stands up off the bed, leaving me by myself.
He begins to pace from each side of the room. I just wanted to get up and hug him, but I knew if I did that there was still a possibility he’d push me away, literally. I didn’t want him to overreact.. but I just knew he would, which was partly the reason why I didn’t want to tell him.
“I want know who the fuck sent you this damn letter and what the fuck they said that made you.. get sick!’’ Harry yelled, running a hand through his hair. I jumped in my skin at the sound of his loud voice echoing in the room.
Harry hated to talk about my depression, hated it more than I did. He couldn’t stand to say the word depressed when it came to me, he hated that I had it and he just wants to do whatever he can to make sure I’m okay. And this, well, he knows his attempts didn’t work, and it’s killing him.
They did work, just not enough. This is just too much, even his undying love couldn’t help me right now. All of this is overwhelming and I just couldn’t help but let the depression wash over me.
“I don’t fucking understand why someone would want this to happen to you! Did they not fucking know that you.. Fuck!’’ Harry began to ramble loudly to himself, all I wanted to do was calm him down and just let everything be okay.
But I know right now that won’t happen soon, I just want to get out of here.. I need something to distract me, a thought, a memory.. something.
Just, I just want to be okay.


{“I can’t believe we’re going to find out today.’’ Harry said with a smile as he pressed his forehead against mine, his lips pressing against mine.
As our short, sweet kiss ended, he leaned up and took a hold of my hand again. I smiled as I glared up at him, I love looking at him – he’s just so beautiful. Our little baby is going to be simply gorgeous.
“Well, good afternoon Emmy, Harry.’’ The doctor comes into the room, giving us a smile.
Harry returns the greeting, but I just gave Harry’s hand a squeeze. Within minutes we’ll know the gender of our little baby. Today is one of the best days of my life, so far at least. But still, it’s going to be on the top of the list forever. Our doctor knew us well because of the visits and all, he’s a good doctor and I’m glad to have him as I go through the long process.
“I’ve been looking around.. but I know you can tell for sure.’’ The nurse tells him with a laugh as she backs up from the computer stand, leaving it to him to figure it out.
“Indeed I can.’’ He gives her a wink before he begins to observe the screen closely, looking for any signs of the gender.
Harry and I have a name list already started, it’s been going on for a few weeks now – we’re constantly adding names to it, and pairing them with middle names and such. Despite us putting effort in the long list, we haven’t really said what we ‘’wanted’’. Harry just said he hopes it’s happy and healthy, and honestly that’s all I want to.
If we have a boy, then we have a boy. It’ll come out looking just like Harry I’m sure – cheeky, naïve, and sneaky. But if we have a girl, then we just have a little girl. And trust me when I say she’ll be her Daddy’s little princess. Either way, I just want to hurry up and hold it, I wish I could know already! I hate saying it.
“Well, Emmy.. I’d like to let you know that I clearly can see the gender know, looks like the little one moved just a half inch for me to see.. what a sweetheart already.’’ He gives me a smile as he stares at the screen, keeping it out of my view.
“Harry,’’ The doctor says, looking over at Harry know, “Would you like to do the honors?’’ He gives Harry a gesture to come over to other side.
Harry gulps so loud that I could hear it. He lets my hand go after one last tight squeeze. I keep my eyes on him as he walks around the bed, nervously taking a hand through his hair – maybe our baby will have those curls. Hm, we’ll have to wait to find out.
“Just look right in that circle on the screen, if you can’t tell, well, I put it on there.’’ The doctor backs out of Harry’s way as he reaches the monitor.
His hand brushes mine before picking it up and holding it tight, I love it when he holds my hand. I take a deep breath as I wait for him to reveal it to me. Harry bites his bottom lip as he looks at the screen, that look on his face – the about to cry look. My heart skips a beat as I see a tear slip from his eye.
A grin appears on his face, a few more tears falling down from those beautiful eyes as he stares at the screen.
“Incredible.’’ He whispers softly, laughing a little at the wondrous sight.
I tug at his hand, trying to get him to tell me already! I just want to know what he knows! Harry looks at me, tears beginning to fill my eyes as I witness him joyfully letting himself cry.
He leans down, his hand clutching mine tight, his forehead against mine. I steadily hold my breath, prepared to hear what he had to tell me. I close my eyes as I see he has his closed too.
“Our little baby.. is going.. to love.. her Mommy and Daddy.’’ Harry whispers the words, I could hear the smile on his pretty face.
A girl.}


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