Show Me Your Soul

What happens if life throws you off track? What if someone asks you to trust him, even though you know nothing about him? Would you trust him?
Cecily Martesse is a normal student in her second year at college. Just when the next normal semester starts, she meets Ace - a handsome boy that throws her life upside down. Compelled by his words, his voice, his behavior, she finds herself getting dragged into a world full of secrets, unfaithfulness and deceit.
Just when she hears some devastating news about her brother, she has to face things she never knew she could endure.
A story about love, trust and friendship. Rated Mature for adult language and hot love scenes.

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17. Not Enough

 

CECILY

 

I was speechless. Literally speechless. What could I possibly say that didn’t sound cliché or insensitive or typical Cecily-interrogation-like?

He stopped talking and slipped his hand in my hair, playing with a strand around his finger. Normally, I don’t like his fingers in my hair, but I guess this gesture is appeasing for him, so I let him.

His whole past was so sad and depressing, yet it didn’t make me regret that I listened. He was in pain, he still is – even if his pride would never allow him to admit it.

“You said you repaired cars with your Dad…”, I said meekly. “So, he wasn’t always… um…”

“An asshole? No, he wasn’t. He was actually a… nice man before he started to drink again. Sometimes, when he was in a good mood, he took me with him to his office and grabbed a bite afterwards. I started watching him repair cars when I was ten, and I helped him when he was sober and… nice. The rest, I kind of learned on my own. I read about cars and computers in magazines.” My eyebrows rose and he shrugged.

“I like teaching myself things rather than someone showing me how it’s done. Where’s the fun if you don’t try to figure it out on your own?” The corner of his lips curled up.

I nodded while my mind was still replaying the words Ace had said about his past.

“Your mother didn’t hate you”, I heard myself saying. I looked up at him and saw his eyes widen for a moment, something glinting in his icy color. “She didn’t. She couldn’t. You were her son. And in pain. I’m sure she understood that you had a hard time, too. I think it’s difficult to accept the fate of someone who’s sick. Sometimes, we express our pain in other ways.”

“And sometimes… we rebel”, I added.

He nodded while his eyes moved quickly from my left to my right eye as if he was searching for something in them.

“Did you… were you… different when you found out about your Dad’s affair?”, he asked carefully.

I swallowed. I still can’t believe that I’ve told him that. I wonder what has gotten into me to tell him… I could say that it’s none of his business or that I don’t want to talk about it, like he so often had said to me.

But I wanted to talk about it with someone. Except my aunt Susan and Mom, I couldn’t speak about it to anyone. I was too scared and too ashamed that my friends would think about my family differently if I had told them.

“If you don’t want to–”

“No, it’s okay.” I inhaled deeply and continued, “No, I wasn’t much different toward my mother. But I was cold to my father. I tried not to hate him for a long time, but there was always this anger deep down inside me that he almost left us. That he betrayed her. Even though she was the love of his life. It was as if the most fundamental thing in my life didn’t make sense anymore; how can a person cause so much pain to another person that loved him more than her own life?”

I looked at him as if he had the answer to that question. But his eyes were just as sad as my voice when I talked about Mom and Dad.

“How could you bring yourself to forgive him?”, he almost whispered and turned his questionable eyes to mine.

I wondered about his question for a moment, but then the words came automatically, “He is my father. I loved him and I still do. He was the one who changed my diapers at night when my Mom was too tired, who taught me how to ride a bicycle, who played with me hide and seek when I was little, who drove me to the hospital at midnight when I had broken my leg after I fell down the stairs. He was not a bad father and not a bad husband. We are all people who make sometimes mistakes. He deeply regretted his actions and that he made my mother suffer. And she believed and forgave him.” I paused and added carefully, “Didn’t… didn’t you have some nice moments with your brother, too?”

He looked at his hand where my hair was entangled between his fingers and seemed lost in his thoughts. He nodded slowly and I could see a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips.

I looked at my watch and saw with a shock that it was almost 3 a.m.

“Oh my gosh, we need to sleep! How can we treat the patients, tomorrow?! We will look like zombies!” I rubbed my fingers against my eyes, ready to get up and sleep… on the couch? Well, if he were a gentleman, he would do that. But it’s Ace we’re talking about, he would never offer that.

 “Where do you think you’re going?” He wrapped his arms around my belly, stopping me from getting up.

“Um, well, either I sleep on the couch or you.” I hate how my voice sounds shaky when I’m losing my bravery for a second.

He arched an eyebrow, shaking his head. “No one is going to sleep on the couch. There’s enough space for both of us here.”

I frowned, but looking at his innocent face when he slid to the other end of the bed made me believe him. Even though his face was fake-innocent and something in his luminous eyes glittered. I was too tired to argue with him, so I just kept complaining how late it was.

“At least you won’t have a hangover tomorrow.” He yawned.

I giggled. “Do you expect me to feel sympathy for your stupid behavior? That’s kind of your own fault.” I arched my eyebrows and threw a pillow at him. He caught it and threw it back at me.

“Did you just throw a pillow at my face?” I threw it back at him.

A grin appeared on his face when I slammed it back at his face, but to my surprise he threw it on the floor and lifted his body over me.

Oh my… he was only wearing his black boxers and his bare chest was extremely close to my body. Thank God, I still had my clothes on!

With a mischievous look on his face he started tickling me on my ribs, making me yelp, “No, Ace… please stop… You…You know I-I’m ticklish!”

My legs clenched, my arms trying vainly to stop him but he just continued. I felt my blouse sliding when he stopped and examined my uncovered belly.

I looked down and noticed that there were already rosy impressions all over my skin.

“My t-shirt is still available.” Ace’s eyes sparkled when his fingertips circled my belly button, following the marks.

Instantly, I smoothed my blouse and rolled out of the bed. I sighed and grabbed his t-shirt from the floor.

“Turn the lights off and don’t peek!” You perv, I added silently.

As if my words didn’t reach his ears, Ace smirked and rolled to his side. He propped his head up on his elbow and put his bottom lip between his teeth.

I pulled myself together to remain unimpressed although this little gesture was incredibly tempting and making my heart do funny things. I stood upright with my hands on my hips and looked determined at him for a few seconds.

“Fine!”, he groaned and turned around to switch off the light.

I waited a bit until my eyes adjusted in the dim room that was only slightly illuminated by the street lights, shining through the huge floor-to-ceiling windows. Ace was laying with his bare back to me and didn’t make a sound.

I turned around and started to unbutton my blouse. As I took it off, I checked if he was still with his back to me. He was.

I unzipped my jeans and slipped out of them.

“Are you done?”, he moaned impatiently.

“NO!” I hurried and slid my arms and head through his t-shirt. He was right, it was like a short dress for me. But the soft material mixed with Ace’s scent felt heavenly nice against my skin. I wondered if I should take off my bra, too, but decided not to. I don’t want his hand near that area again like back then in San Diego!

… each time I brought another girl at home after partying. The thought crossed my mind and left a sting in my heart. He must have seen many girls in underwear and even naked, so the sight surely isn’t special to him, anyway. I don’t know why this thought was making me so sad. Most teenage boys had girlfriends and sexual experience in high school. What did I expect? To meet a male virgin in college and then marry him and I would have been the only one he would ever have slept with? Who knows; if Brian had been the right one, then maybe I would have lost my virginity to him… If Brian had been the right one, then you wouldn’t be in this room with this boy lying next to you and in his t-shirt, my annoying subconscious reminded me.

I shook my head, realizing what I was even thinking! Why am I even considering sleeping with Ace? The only thought of it made my stomach twist. I must be very tired to have that kind of thoughts.

He turned around and examined me for a moment, “My shirt suits you”, he said with a smirk.

I didn’t respond and slipped quickly under the blanket, laying as far away as possible.

He arched his eyebrow. “Isn’t it too hot under the blanket?”

I shook my head, pulling it even higher to my chin. Okay, he was right, it was starting to get hot under the sheets but I’ll endure it.

He ran his tongue over his lower lip and tapped his long index finger against his chin, “Okay… huh… where were we?” Before I realized what he just said, he put his hands under the sheets and started tickling me again. I cried out, my legs kicking the sheets off me. Once again, he put his body over me, steadying himself on his knees.

“S-Stop… stop it, Ace!”, I said breathlessly between my laughs.

“I’ll stop if you tell me where you’re not ticklish”, he teased.

What? I tried to move away from him but my leg was already dangling over the edge of the bed. He grabbed my leg with his one hand and with his other on my waist and spun me around so I was laying on top him, his arms firmly around my hip and thigh.

“Tell me or I continue. I’ll search every inch of your skin until I find it.”

Unbelievable that he remembers me having mentioned that I had a spot where I wasn’t ticklish! He’s as usual way too observing.

“Okay, okay!”, I sighed in defeat. “My feet.”

I could see his widened eyes and boyish grin around his lips, “Your feet? That’s usually where most people are ticklish.” He sounded astonished, but I just countered, “Yeah, well, I’m not like most people.” I tried to disentangle myself from his grip but his arms were like iron.

“Yes, you’re not”, he said so quietly I didn’t know if he was thinking out loud or trying to tease me.

Either way, I tried once again to get away from him until I moaned with a clearly annoyed voice, “Ace, let go of me!”

He frowned as he noticed the tone in my voice and put his body into a sitting position, his arms still wrapped around me, my thighs on his lap.

“What’s wrong?”, he asked surprisingly gentle and lifted my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

“What is this, Ace?”, I said and searched for an answer in his eyes, “I mean, what are we? And what are we doing?”

“Really? You need a definition?” As if I was asking him the most ridiculous thing in the world. I was silent for a moment, so he continued, “Cec, we’re having a good time together. Why do you need to define it?”

“Because”, I countered, my voice rising, “I’m not like one of those hundred sluts you had each weekend at your place!” Heat filled my cheeks and ears, but thankfully he couldn’t see that in the dim room; at least I hope so.

We were quiet until he broke the silence.

“Are you jealous, Cec?” His voice wasn’t surprised or teasing, just curious.

“No!”, I lied. “I-I… I’m just tired. We should get some sleep.” I got up from his lap and thankfully, he didn’t try to keep me there. Turning my back to him, I grabbed the blanket and covered at least my legs and waist with it. He leaned back his upper body and put his hands under his head. It was quiet for few minutes, the only thing I heard was our steady respirations and sometimes the noise of cars passing by.

“It wasn’t a hundred women. Only a few. And I told you, I was a stupid moron when I was a teenager.”

I didn’t say anything but my heart was slamming against my chest. I hope he doesn’t hear it beating so loudly.

“You shouldn’t be jealous. Your inexperience is a good thing, believe me.”

He paused but I still didn’t reply anything. What does he want me to say? Okay, Ace, you were a manwhore but now you’ve changed, let’s make out!? No way. I closed my eyes and pretended to be already asleep.

After a while, I thought he assumed that I was already asleep because he didn’t say anything. But then he almost whispered, “I missed you the last few days.”

Okay, now my eyes were wide open. My inner self felt the urge to turn around and plunge into his arms, burying my face in his neck, inhaling his scent and feeling more safe and at ease than with anyone else.

But I didn’t do it. I stayed in the same position, not moving my body an inch.

“That’s not enough, Ace.”

I heard him exhale deeply. But he didn’t comment on that or come closer. He just stayed as motionless on his side of the bed as me. And I was grateful because I didn’t want my mind and heart to be more confused than it already is right now. I closed my eyes and after a while, I plunged into a dream full of confusing images.

 

 

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