Show Me Your Soul

What happens if life throws you off track? What if someone asks you to trust him, even though you know nothing about him? Would you trust him?
Cecily Martesse is a normal student in her second year at college. Just when the next normal semester starts, she meets Ace - a handsome boy that throws her life upside down. Compelled by his words, his voice, his behavior, she finds herself getting dragged into a world full of secrets, unfaithfulness and deceit.
Just when she hears some devastating news about her brother, she has to face things she never knew she could endure.
A story about love, trust and friendship. Rated Mature for adult language and hot love scenes.

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18. Nightmares and Cupid

 

ACE

 

I was standing in our old kitchen. The small, wooden one that had a little window over the sink. It was unusual dark in this room and he was standing in front of me. His face was red and he had a bottle of Rum in one and his waistbelt in his other hand. His face was different; his eyes like dark holes and his body as tall as a tree.

Come here, Ace”, he said with a voice that sounded like rattling chains.

I wanted to run away but my whole body felt numb and as if paralyzed. He laughed and smashed the bottle against the wall. His laugh was like the sound of fire coming through a flamethrower. No!, I wanted to scream but I felt my lips glued together. He extended his arm and grabbed my wrist, ready to cane me with his belt.

No, No, No!, I wanted to shout, but my voice was mute. I closed my eyes and expected the usual burning pain on my skin. He laughed again with his poisonous voice and struck out. NO!

 

I woke up in the middle of the night, panting and with my hair plastered around my neck and forehead, my chest soaking with sweat.

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I sat up and looked around as my eyes adjusted to the dim light in the room.

It was just a nightmare, I told myself. I was still in the hotel room and everything was the same as when I had gone to sleep. I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair.

It was just a nightmare, I told myself again.

I haven’t dreamed about him for a long time, but I guess talking about it must have brought some memories back.

I looked to my side and saw Cec sound asleep next to me. Her chest was slowly rising and falling, she looked as peaceful as an angel. No wrinkle or frown weighted her face; she was utterly relaxed. Her blanket was on the edge of the bed and her t-shirt skidded up, revealing her underwear. She was wearing a plain slip, the fabric worn-out; however, I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I stretched my arm and let my finger slightly brush her hipbone. She moaned and rubbed her face against the pillow. For a moment, I thought I had woken her up, but she just rolled to her back and kept her eyes closed.

I bit my lip and breathed deeply.

She’s a virgin.

The thought darted like a flash in my mind, together with the picture of Cec’s scarlet face at the party when Karen had assumed it. I had never thought I would still meet a virgin at college. I couldn’t think of one girl that didn’t lose her virginity in her high school time… but then, I always looked for the other type of girls. I didn’t want to get involved with any virgin. It would have been a pain in the ass explaining to her why I wouldn’t call her back, why I wouldn’t take her out, why I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her. They were looking for love and a relationship. I surely didn’t want any of these.

And I was right.

Love means weakness. Love entails hate. Vulnerability. And trust.

Trust.

Such an underrated, annoying thing. People say it all the time and they get screwed. And yet, they don’t learn from their mistakes, they just continue falling in love with anyone.

I leaned back on the soft mattress, shutting my eyes closed in an attempt to maybe find some sleep. It was still dark outside and our first lecture starts around noon; it was too early to get up and it wasdefinitively too early to think about philosophical meanings of love.

It’s just a stupid, unnecessary feeling. 

No one ever touched her.

Maybe she does once in a while.

I wonder what her face would look like if she’d come undone, the sound she would make when she’d be in ecstasy while pushing her finger inside her. The way she would bite her lip when she comes. Those lips… every possible thing I could do with those lips crossed my mind. I pulled her shirt down, hoping that would stop these kinds of thoughts in my head.

I stared at the ceiling, counting the crystals on the lusters to distract myself from my perverted thoughts. Why the fuck was that thought preoccupying my mind, anyway? Since when did I become so obsessed with a girl? I shouldn’t get involved with her, and I shouldn’t let those thoughts cross my mind.

I listened to the sound of cars that were sometimes passing and Cec’s steady breathing. She moaned again and moved her leg a bit. She was too restless. Maybe she was dreaming.

I turned to my side and propped my head up on my elbow, looking at her untroubled face.

She had listened. She had really listened. I could see that she was fighting the tears back and I expected her to run away after I had finished, I expected her to give me the same loathsome look she had given me in the basement back then after Victoria had shown up, I had expected her to leave and drive back to her house.

But she stayed. And she listened.

This girl never stops surprising me. Confusing me entirely with her actions, her answers, her behavior.

I could see Cec’s eyelids flutter, her rosy lips slightly parted when she spun to her side and moved her arm around my waist. Her grip tightened when she pressed her body against mine, rubbing her face against my skin. A sigh escaped her mouth, almost inaudibly. I looked down at her body. I was astonished how her body fitted against mine like a puzzle. Perfect. I exhaled deeply, watching her hand slowly moving up and down, matching my breathing.

Just when I wanted to disentangle myself from her grip, she rolled to her back, laying still.

I couldn’t help but utter a faint chuckle at her movements when she sleeps. She is really too restless when she sleeps. But at least she wasn’t kicking or punching me.

Tugging at the sheets, I tried to cover her up, hoping that will stop her from moving. Just when I brought my face closer to her body, she stretched her arm and to my horror she wrapped it around my neck. I cursed in my head, sighing so she could eventually wake up. No, she was still sound asleep. Well, if she wakes up now, it will be a little hard explaining to her why I was on top of her, her arm wrapped around me. Her grip tightened and she mumbled something. Her voice was soft. Angelic. Foreign. Was that even English? Maybe she said something in French. Suddenly, I wished I had paid more attention during French class. I had mostly slept and the only words I know now are Oui and Non, Pardon and Merci.  

I looked at her for a few seconds.

Whatever, I thought and before my rationality could tell me what the hell I was doing, I placed my head carefully on her chest.

She didn’t move or flinch. She just continued breathing calmly, so that I could hear her heart beating slowly. I put my arms around her and let her soft body be my pillow.

My perfect pillow.

My eyelids were getting heavier and heavier each time Cec’s heart pounded against her chest.

The last thing I felt was her hand in my hair before I drifted into a dreamless sleep and felt my body completely relax for the first time in a while.

 

***

CECILY

 

I woke up from a lightly knock on the door.

A maid stuck her head shyly through the door and closed it gently after having seen that Ace and I were still lying in bed.

Well, I was lying on the bed; he was almost on top of me. His head was lying across my chest and his arms entangled around my waist, his body cloaking mine. I was shocked that we ended up like this – again; he must have moved his body in his sleep. I felt the familiar heat he radiated rising from my belly up to my chest. Every inch of me was hyper-aware of him; the way his body fitted against mine, the way his arm was around me like a band of steel.

His thick, soft curls tangled around my fingertips and I unwittingly started playing with them. Oh God, what am I doing!?

I carefully withdrew my hand and gently pushed Ace off by his shoulders, so that I could slip away from his arms. He groaned and rolled onto his stomach but didn’t wake. I released the breath I was holding and got up. I looked if he was still asleep, then turned around and took off his t-shirt. I slipped into my jeans and buttoned my blouse up.

I tried to find my damn purse on the floor but couldn’t see it anywhere.

“Dammit”, I cursed under my breath.

And then it made a buzzing sound. Crap! I looked around and rushed to the couch to turn it off, but the noise had already woken Ace up. He rubbed his eye and yawned. His other eye was still purplish but not as bad as yesterday. He looked at me and his gaze instantly changed from sleepy to frowning and tense.

“Hello?”, I said as I placed my phone on my ear.

I turned around but heard that Ace started putting his jeans on.

“Hey, Cecily. It’s me, Dexter!” Oh. My. Gosh! I have totally forgotten to meet him! I looked at my watch in panic and saw that it was almost 9 a.m.

“Hello?”, he said again.

“Yeah – hi! Um… I am so sorry, Dexter, I overslept! Can you wait… let’s say twenty minutes? I’ll be right there.”

“Okay, no problem.”

“Great, see you!”

I hung up and saw Ace attentively observing me. He was fully dressed and slowly walked toward me.

“You’re going somewhere?”, he said and sounded not very happy.

I nodded, “Yeah, I’ve totally forgotten that I’ll be having breakfast with Dexter.” And I’m already that late… great… just great.

His eyes narrowed. “So, you wanted to sneak out just to see him?” Yup, he wasn’t happy. And I have absolutely no idea why he was; I didn’t do anything wrong.

“What’s the problem, Ace? I didn’t want to wake you up and I have to meet someone.”

“And why the hell are you even meeting that Daniel?”

“His name is Dexter”, I snapped, “And why shouldn’t I go?” I frowned and kept staring at his energetic eyes. Why shouldn’t I go, Ace, say it!

He didn’t say anything; he just stared at me, so I added, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go, Ace.” Now say it, you idiot!

I was shocked and angry at myself for desperately trying to make him say what I wanted to hear. I’m basically pleading him to say it which felt so disgusting. I was disgusting.

But I needed him to say it if he wants me to stay.

“No, there’s no reason. Go have fun with Dennis”, he snorted.

“Fine. I will”, I said and went to the door. “And his name is Dexter!”, I snapped but he just replied “Whatever” and turned around.

I shut the door and rushed to the elevator.

Well, I just had to push it, right? I couldn’t just shut my mouth and enjoy whatever this is between us, no, I just had to ruin it. Even my sarcastic inner voice is annoying me right now.

I sighed and walked past the desk clerk to the entrance. Somehow, I still hoped that Ace will come rushing through the elevator and telling me No, Cec, wait! I was an idiot but now I see it, don’t go because I– I shook my head and woke up from my daydream. I watch too many romantic movies. Such scenes only exist in Hollywood and are not real. And this is Ace we’re talking about. The most stubborn and arrogant person I’ve ever seen, so he would never admit that he was wrong.

I walked to Alex’s car and started the engine.

 

I arrived at Eng’s Touch half an hour later and saw Dexter sitting at the table. I apologized deeply, but he wasn’t angry at all and didn’t make an annoying or teasing comment.

Ace would have done that. The corner of his mouth would have lifted and he would have teased me with my tardiness and clumsiness. Okay, I need to stop thinking about him!

I focused on Dexter and listened to his story about what he had done yesterday after having dinner and what patient he’s going to treat today.

“Did you have a nice evening, yesterday, too?”, he asked.

“Yes, it was… the same as usual.” Oh God, it felt so awful lying to a person in his face, but there is absolutely no way I’m going to tell him what really happened yesterday.

“Is everything okay? You seem spaced out”, he said.

“Yes, of course! I’m fine.” I smiled.

The waitress came with our food and it wasn’t what I had expected. It tasted… different.

No, it was awful. Normally, I can eat everything in the morning (except coffee and tea, of course) but the beans were either too salty or my stomach couldn’t handle their taste. And the tomatoes were neither crispy nor boiled thoroughly… they were just stewed which was exactly the way I didn’t like them.

Okay, it wasn’t poor Dexter’s fault that I’m so annoyingly choosy with my food and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or offended, so I swallowed every bite without chewing too much and focused on whatever he was saying.

Sometimes, I really spaced out, but then I just focused back on Dexter. Dammit, I can’t let the thought of Ace cross my mind every minute! Not only because I didn’t get what Dexter was talking about but also because every time I think about him, something in my belly pricks and I lose my appetite for a second. Which is in fact not that difficult given that I was already forcing every bite in my mouth.

“Are you listening, Cecily?”, he asked and brought me back on planet Earth.

“W-What?”, I stuttered. Oh boy, that was the third time that he had to repeat a sentence! I’m such a scatterbrain. “I’m so sorry, I was so focused on my meal”, I lied.

He smiled and said, “No problem. I’m glad you like it.”

“Yeah, totally!” Oh God, I’m going to hell for all those lies… “So, what did you want to know?” Now he has my full attention.

“I said, what courses do you have this semester?”

Oh, college. Normally, I don’t like talking much about college in my free time. It already consumes too much of my lifetime, I don’t need to be constantly reminded of my exams. I told him that I had four courses this semester and in mid-May the exams are going to come one after another so that we’ll probably have no time for anything except studying. Great. That’s why I don’t like being reminded of that.

He talked about his patients for a while and what kind of treatment he’s going to prepare for each of them. Sometimes, it was really interesting, because he explained some techniques that inquired surgical implants and anatomical knowledges, but unfortunately, he mostly complained about some patients or doctors. I didn’t mind complains; we all complain about our work sometimes, but right now I didn’t have the nerve for any of that, so I often spaced out and subtly didn’t pay much attention.

He was so overambitious and committed that it made we want to vomit. I hate that. God, I hate that. Studying to pass an exam is fine, but studying too much is pathological.

He should see someone who’s as dedicated as him. Someone who deserves this kindness and shares his commitment towards studies and patients. Someone like–

“And that’s why he decided for a Camlog-implant instead of–”

“Oh my gosh! Do you have plans this Saturday?”, I yelped. “Oh God, sorry for interrupting you.”

I chewed on my cheek and cursed myself for my rudeness. Why can’t I let people finish talking and then babble!?

He looked to his side and took a sip of his coffee. “No problem” I sensed he was slightly annoyed. Oops…

“Um… I’m sorry, but I just remembered that I have a friend – Anna – who’s very good at clinical chemistry. She’s in my semester and as ambitious as you. Also, she’s a great teacher.” He arched his eyebrows, looking surprised; I had awoken his interest. He wanted to know more, so I talked positively about her for a while.

Saturday was okay for him and I promised to text him if Anna has any other plans. But I don’t think she actually has. Most weekends she spends with studying.

He insisted to pay for my meal which I reluctantly accepted and we headed to the subway station.

When we arrived at the clinic, we parted because he had to go to the changing room and I headed to the stairways.

I can’t believe that I’m going to set those two up. I’ve never done that before, that was usually Cassy’s field. I smiled as the thought crossed my mind that I’m becoming Cupid.

I was still smiling like a stupid school girl, but the moment I looked at him, it vanished.

I was so lost in thoughts that I didn’t even see Ace coming my way. He wasn’t wearing the same jeans and t-shirt anymore. Probably, he went back to his place and changed them.

“I see, apparently, you had a nice breakfast”, he said humorless and measured me with a cold look.

If he wasn’t so damn arrogant, I would’ve told him that it was awful and that I think he’s more suitable for Anna than me, but my inner sassy-me would never allow that. I straightened my head and walked past him, saying, “Yes, it was nice. And this Saturday, we’ll see each other again.”

His eyes glistened for a moment but then he just narrowed them so they almost shone onyx black instead of Caribbean blue.

“Fine. Have fun with Damian.” He shrugged.

I didn’t bother correct him; he’s not worth making an afford.

Instead, I moved my lips closer to his ear, my feet on tiptoes. “Oh, I will have fun. Who knows, maybe I will have real fun and feel… pleasure afterward.”

That wasn’t a full lie, I’m going to meet him this Saturday; just the real reason is not that I want to feel anything with him.

Still, I shouldn’t feel any remorse.

I ignored his glare and quickly entered the amphitheater. I sat next to Cassy, Ruby and Anna and focused on the girls’ chat.

When Cassy finished talking about her date with Michael a couple days ago, Ace walked past us and sat on the other side of the amphitheater. Everyone was staring at him – probably because of his purplish eye.

“Oh my, what happened to his eye?”, Anna whispered.

Ruby and Cassy turned around and were as shocked as Anna. Then, they turned their eyes to me as if I had the answer. I shrugged my shoulders and tried to look just as flabbergasted.

After they finished their theories, I told Anna about Dexter and asked her if she could help him out. She looked surprised but as kind as she is, she agreed to meet him with me on Saturday.

The professor entered the room and I leaned back, letting my thoughts wander instead of hearing what she was saying.

It wasn’t a lie, I reminded myself.

Then why the hell am I having a bad conscious for telling Ace “the truth”?

 

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