Show Me Your Soul

What happens if life throws you off track? What if someone asks you to trust him, even though you know nothing about him? Would you trust him?
Cecily Martesse is a normal student in her second year at college. Just when the next normal semester starts, she meets Ace - a handsome boy that throws her life upside down. Compelled by his words, his voice, his behavior, she finds herself getting dragged into a world full of secrets, unfaithfulness and deceit.
Just when she hears some devastating news about her brother, she has to face things she never knew she could endure.
A story about love, trust and friendship. Rated Mature for adult language and hot love scenes.

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15. Fear

 

CECILY

 

I woke up from the morning light dancing around my closed eyes and cheeks. Where am I? And what happened last night? The last thing I remembered was falling asleep in Ace’s car. I opened my eyes and was shocked not to find myself in my familiar room. But as I looked around more and more things became clear and I recognized Ace’s apartment.

I was alone. And it didn’t look like he slept next to me at all.

I let my eyes wander around his apartment. Everything was like the last time. Except that there were even more wires and hardwares on his desk and some clothes were scattered on the floor.

I was startled to see his clothes on the floor. Was I…? Thank God, I was still in my dress. Did he carry me all the way to this bed?

Oh God, suddenly the images of last night appeared in my mind. The drinking, the drivel, the almost-rape and oh God

How ironic that Ace said that I shouldn’t come to him if someone tried to harass me, yet that was exactly what happened last night. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if he didn’t come. The only thought of it made me shiver.

This was far beyond feeling embarrassed. I felt my cheeks heat up. Covering my head under the sheets, I wished I could erase the whole night. But Ace’s scent was everywhere and made it hard to forget about last night. His sheets, his pillow, his mattress – everything smelled like his soap or cedar and something I couldn’t define… it was just an Ace-scent. I closed my eyes and let the smell fill my nose.

This was intoxicating.

I need to stop. I opened my eyes and threw the blanket away from my face.

But if I am here and slept the whole night, then Noah must be still–?! I got up and started to look for my purse. I found it on the floor next to the nightstand and looked at the screen. There was a message from Noah:

 

“Hey, Cecy. I’m at home, a friend of mine in New York paid the bail. Don’t worry, I’m fine and very sorry for putting you through this. Love you.”

 

Thank God, he was okay and even at home! I relaxed and sat on the edge of the bed.

It was 9 a.m.

I was thirsty. My throat felt as if I hadn’t drunken any water for a week. I took some sips from the bottle of water on his nightstand which felt incredibly good.

Where was Ace? And where did he sleep?

I looked around and went to the bathroom. I knocked a couple times, but there was no response. I slowly opened the door, ready to slam it back if I’ll see something that I shouldn’t.

No, he wasn’t here either.

Running my hand through my hair, I tried to recap what happened yesterday.

Oh God…

I can never, never look at him again. What was wrong with me? I’ve never been drunk before, let alone gotten half-naked in front of someone and almost…

I massaged my temples and thankfully, I didn’t have a bad hangover. Just a little sting on the area behind my ear.

Suddenly, I remembered: Alex!

I dialed and hoped she’s not going to kill me through the phone. It rang three times before she picked up. “Hey, Cecy.” Her voice was raspy; I must have woken her up.

“Hey, Alex! Oh my gosh, I’m so very sorry that I just disappeared last night! I-I-…” What can I say?

I was wasted and being slutty, sorry I totally forgot about you but I hope you haven’t called the police or reported me as a missing person?

“Relax, Cecy. Ace texted Paul last night and he told me that you’re with him. He also told me to call your Mom and tell her that you’re staying at my place.” She stopped and giggled, “Cecily, did you spend the night with Ace?”

Oh… Ace thought of everything. “No!”, I yelped, realizing what she just implied. “I-I just woke up in his bed, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t sleep next to me…” Was that my imagination or did I sound disappointed?

“Uh-huh.” I could literally see her arched eyebrow through the phone, “And did something happen before you two went to sleep?”

“No! No, Alex, absolutely nothing!”, I said and she chuckled. Besides heavy making outs, nothing happened. “What about you? What did you two do last night after you disappeared?”

She giggled again, “We talked. A lot. We went to a quiet room and had a really nice evening.”

“And?”

“Yeah, we kind of made out after a while. But it ended there. Today, we’ll see each other again and he wants to meet a couple friends for dinner next week. He asked me if I wanted to come, too.”

I was happy for her. Really happy. At least one of us had a normal and simple love life and didn’t lose completely control. I sighed and told her that I’m going to eat something, so we hung up.

I put on my shoes and looked around again. Huh… maybe I should write a note that I’m fine and I went home. Okay, I need a piece of paper. There were only wires, cables, screws and several screwdrivers on his desk. No, that was not the right place to find a piece of paper. I went to his nightstand and pulled the drawer.

To my surprise, I found a piece of paper. But there was already something on it.

A drawing. My drawing. Where did he get that?! Oh my… my microbiology notes! I put my hand on my face, shaking my head. How could I have forgotten about this?!

Although it was drawing, his eyes were so piercing and intense that it gave me goose bumps over my arms and made me feel as if the real Ace was looking at me. I put it back in the drawer and felt my heart racing in a blink of an eye: Next to the picture was my hair grip.

My hair grip? Oh, that’s the one he pulled out of my hair in the lecture hall at the beginning of the semester. I had totally forgotten about it although it’s one of my favorite. It was golden and at the spring it had a butterfly-form. I could take it back since it was mine but then he would probably assume that I was looking through his stuff. I closed the drawer and suddenly felt ashamed for sticking my nose into everything. Okay, technically those were mine, still, it was like an intrusion into his privacy.

Why has he kept those things?

I shook the thought out of my mind and decided to text him when I arrive at the bus station, so I made my way to the door, when the door knob moved and Ace came through it.

He was wearing the same black t-shirt with the black leather jacket from yesterday, his eyes sunken behind some dark circles. He scratched the back of his neck. “You’re awake.”

I nodded and couldn’t help myself from staring at his lips. And especially his tongue when he spoke…Okay, I need to wake up! Somehow, it is a reflex in me to look at people’s mouths, teeth and lips. Probably because of my studies.

“How you feelin’?”

“Fine”, I mumbled and looked away.

“You want some coffee?”, he asked and walked past me.

“No thanks, I hate coffee.”

He arched an eyebrow, “Okay, some tea?”

“No, I hate that, too.”

Coming closer to me, he put his hand on the kitchen counter, minimizing the space between us. “And what does actually please you?” His voice was getting raspier, sounding so… seductive.

“What happened last night?”, I blurted out. My heart was suddenly racing and the last thing I need now was some suggestive questions with this dirty voice. “I mean, after I fell asleep.”

He paused and seemed somehow… disappointed? It can’t be because I didn’t answer his question, could it? “I brought you here. You weren’t quite able to face your brother in that state. And I don’t think you would’ve liked your parents to see you drunk and explain that. Did you hear some news about him?”

“Yes, he’s fine. A friend from New York has paid the bail and now he’s at home.”

He nodded, “That’s good.”

My stupid subconscious was poking me on the back of my head telling me that I need to say it – even though his answer probably will be something mean and arrogant, probably I told you so.

“Um, also I wanted to thank you for getting that drunken douchebag away from me.”

He was quiet for a while. Here it comes…

“You’re welcome.”

Huh?!

His face didn’t have a trace of arrogance or bitchiness on it, which left me standing wide-eyed, my lips slightly parted. “Where did you sleep?”, I babbled, bringing my lower lip between my teeth because I had no idea what I could reply to that kind of answer.

“In my car.”

“The whole night?”

“Yup.”

“Why? You could have slept–” next to me.

He walked past me and smirked. “Next to you? So you could throw yourself at me again?”

I felt my cheeks flushing partly because of the embarrassment and partly because of the anger that was rising inside me. “I did not throw myself at you”, I shouted.

“Didn’t seem like that when you kissed me.” Slowly he licked his bottom lip.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but it didn’t seem that unpleasant for you. You could have stopped any time!”, I yelled. He was quiet for a moment and just looked at me intensely.

His smirk intensified as he came closer. “We can continue where we left off last night.” His low voice made me take a step back.

“Wha–”, I breathed.

“Now that you’re sober…”, he continued and matched my steps until I hit the counter with my back. Grabbing my dress, he pulled me toward him and bent down his head, his nose tickling my jawline. “I won’t have a bad conscience doing… certain things with you…”

“Stop it…”, I whispered; my pulse was racing at his inebriant closeness.

“No”, he mumbled, putting my earlobe between his teeth.

My eyelids flickered and I gasped for air. His thumb kept caressing my cheek as his other hand wandered slowly to my waist.

“No, Ace…” I was breathing hard. He shouldn’t… I shouldn’t… we…

He just grabbed my waist and lifted me up on the cold countertop forcing my legs apart to put his body in between.

He pressed his lips against mine and once again I was overwhelmed by this feeling, his lips, his scent, him. As if they had already recognized him, my lips parted, inviting his tongue to drive me crazy once again; his skillful tongue, sensuously caressing mine. Now that my mind was clear, everything felt more intense.

No, my mind wasn’t clear. I wouldn’t be doing this if my mind had been clear.

“Don’t overthink, Cec”, he cooed, his fingers pulling me closer to him. He is like a drug, and some primal urge in me has no desire to kick the feeling. My stomach twisted, my toes clenched as he breathed against my lips, his hands never leaving my cheeks.

No, this isn’t real… he had said so… yesterday.  

My reason came back, shouting at me. “No!”, I said and broke away from his lips.

He breathed heavily, running his hand through his hair.

I breathed a couple times until I found my voice again. “I’m not that type of girl, Ace.” My voice sounded raspier than I thought it would.

“Last night, I was drunk and not myself. I said things I didn’t mean to and did things… It shouldn’t have happened.” I got down from the countertop.

“Don’t tell me that’s because of Aro. You clearly have no feelings for him”, he said confidently.

“That has nothing to do with him. You’re right, I have no feelings for him. I said so because Anna had a crush on you and wanted to give it a chance. I had to keep some distance between us. But that’s not the point. It’s rather the fact that I prefer being in a stable relationship with someone before making out”, I snapped.

He was quiet for a moment. “You lied to me just because Anna had feelings for me? That was the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, Cec.” He laughed humorlessly. “You could have been honest to me.”

“And then what? Either way, you don’t want a relationship – that’s what you’ve told Anna.”

He was quiet for a couple minutes, finally saying “True, I don’t date, Cec.” He looked to his side. “And I don’t want a relationship.”

I felt my cheeks flushing and something deep down in me shattered. He told Anna the same thing but somehow, I hoped, no, I wanted to believe he told her so because he was already in love… with me. As this thought crossed my mind, I realized how stupid and childish it was.

“So last night, you just wanted to fuck me and that’s all?!”, I yelled. I was shocked how loud my voice became and at the same time at my choice of words. Normally, I’m not that vulgar. Or talk about sex so straightforwardly.

“I wouldn’t have fucked you last night”, he replied coldly.

“Oh, thank you. Thank you for not taking advantage of me while I was drunk and sad. That’s really nice of you.”

“You know what your problem is, Cec? You’re scared. Last night, you actually were yourself. You opened up and showed for once your true feelings and just let go. You told me about your brother and what was bugging your head for three months. You weren’t the happy and cheerful girl everyone thinks you are, you were just you. But now you’re just like a scared kitten back in that shell you built up for yourself.”

“That is not true!”, I yelled. “Don’t you dare analyze me, you know nothing about me! And if someone is scared, then it’s rather you! Just because Victoria cheated on you with your brother, you don’t let anyone near to your heart and–” Oh, shit!

Instantly, his eyes were wide-eyed and glowing furiously.

“What… did you just say?

Oh-oh.

I bit my tongue and cursed myself on the inside. “Please, don’t ask where I got this information.” I almost whispered.

He turned around as if looking at me was unbearable.

“Get out”, he said suddenly.

I felt my heart sinking to my boots. “Ace, I’m sorry if I have–”

“Get OUT!”, he shouted.

At that, I turned around and rushed to the door. I started to run downstairs and made my way to the next subway station which was in fact far away. But I didn’t mind. I just kept running. I ran as if every step could erase what just happened.

Why, why, why, why can’t I control my mouth for once in my life?!

After passing almost ten blocks I turned left and found the subway station. I knew if I stopped now the running, I will start crying. Not just because of his harshness, but also because he was clearly not interested in a serious relationship.

I kept running to the next subway station. And then the next. And then the next.

I can’t believe how endlessly stupid I’ve become. I thought I had learned from my mistakes, but here I am. In love with someone who’s mean to me and keeps messing with my head and emotions and makes me cry more than any other guy ever had, not even my first boyfriend.

In hindsight, I don’t know why I even started dating Brian in the first place. Mom and Dad had some huge marital problems because she found out that he had an affair. Stefan and Noah didn’t know about it and Marlene was too young, so I was the only one who tried to soothe her pain. It all happened when I was fifteen years old. When I went to school, I was distracted by Alex, my other friends and Brian. He was funny, smart and very charming. We dated after prom in junior year, but I ended our relationship after I saw that we weren’t on the same level: He never wanted me around his friends, he never let me see his phone and I also caught him several times looking at other girls’ butts.

I can’t help myself. I’m a man, that’s in our nature, was all he said. I ended it before I could develop more feelings for him or find out that he was probably cheating on me.

I wasn’t even sad after our breakup. Probably because I had never loved him. And I couldn’t even blame him for acting immorally – I started the relationship not out of love but rather to have a distraction. And that was the lowest thing I’ve ever done to anybody.

Maybe that’s my punishment now, I thought while I was slowing down. My feet burned in my shoes and I couldn’t run anymore.

After him, I didn’t date anybody until I started college. Nobody was also interested in me until Aro. He was very charismatic and I thought he was mature, responsible and also interested in me after teasing me a little or sometimes helping me and even grabbing some lunch from time to time after college. But he was in fact as immature and childish as Brian. Even cruel.

I took the subway and when I got off at the station nearest to our house, I went to the bakery and ordered a cup of coffee. My breath was still smelling like the foulness of vodka, so I emptied my cup in a few gulps. Yuck! Absolutely disgusting! But I need to cover up the scent.

 

I arrived at home and found Noah sitting in the kitchen. He must have taken a shower; his hair was still wet and his clothes looked fresh. But his jaw was purplish and lower lip swollen.

“Oh my God, Noah, what happened to your face?” I sat next to him.

“Hey, Cecily”, he said and smiled weakly. He looked so exhausted. “Yeah, I got in a little fight before they arrested me. It’s not as bad as it seems.”

I put my head in my hand. “Noah… this has to stop. I-I don’t know–”

“You’re right”, he said to my surprise. I looked up and his face was so sad and his eyes seemed so… different from usual. “First, I want to apologize to you. I shouldn’t have called you and burdened you. I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated all of you… But I will try my best to change now.”

HUH?! Was that really Noah?! What happened last night?

I looked at him, unable to form any phrase. I nodded and we talked for a while. He told me that Dad had a call this morning and had to leave for work and Mom was outside gardening. He went to his room to pack his things together because he is taking the plane to New York tonight.

I went upstairs and took a shower. The hot water felt good against my skin and like wiping away all the trouble and drama I went through last night.

As I put the shower gel on my body, images of Ace pushed themselves through my mind. Especially when I applied some shower gel on my belly, tracing my navel. His tongue circling and gently biting it… I shook my head. NO! I won’t waste another thought on him! I need to distract myself.

When I got out of the bathroom, I went on my desk and started studying for Monday.

But that wasn’t good enough as a distraction. Not even my books, music, Marlene’s stories about school or TV series… the thought of Ace crossed my mind every time I tried to forget.

Maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.

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