Show Me Your Soul

What happens if life throws you off track? What if someone asks you to trust him, even though you know nothing about him? Would you trust him?
Cecily Martesse is a normal student in her second year at college. Just when the next normal semester starts, she meets Ace - a handsome boy that throws her life upside down. Compelled by his words, his voice, his behavior, she finds herself getting dragged into a world full of secrets, unfaithfulness and deceit.
Just when she hears some devastating news about her brother, she has to face things she never knew she could endure.
A story about love, trust and friendship. Rated Mature for adult language and hot love scenes.

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24. Bonus: "I hate you"

 

 

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I decided to make a "Bonus Chapter" this time; tell me if you liked it or not! xx And as always, stay tuned, more chapters keep coming! Love you all!! xoxo, Mirette C.

 

 

ACE

 

I am not good for her.

She said she needs to heal and I am only sickening her. Probably, she is better off without me, anyway. Ever since things had gotten complicated between us, I didn’t hear her laugh as much as before. She used to laugh about random things with Ruby and Cassy, during lectures, seminars, in lab courses – I always heard her laugh like a melodious sound echoing through the halls and piercing right into my heart.

But now, her light has lit. And it’s all my fault.

I’d better forget her.

 

It was Friday night and I was as usual at the frat house.

Most of us had passed pharmacology, the other students their first exams too; everywhere students danced, drank, or had sex upstairs.

I had spent the last two hours looking for that blue-haired guy and finally got tired.

The first floor was crowded, the air muggy and music booming. I already started to have a headache when I decided to go upstairs.

“Oh sorry!”, a blonde girl said when she stepped on my toes.

I didn’t bother replying anything. She was already tipsy and probably wouldn’t hear my voice anyway.

I walked upstairs and opened the door to one of the numerous rooms, finding myself in an empty, dim room.

A few bottles laid on the night stand or on the sideboard, the windows open so the fresh spring breeze flowed around my legs. Somehow, this room was looking familiar.

I remembered.

It was the room where I found that asshole over Cec. The room where she told me about her brother, the room where we kissed.

I looked at the floor, at the spot where my heart started to race in a way I had never thought it could before I sat down and grabbed a bottle.

I hate drinking. I’d drunk as a teenager – much and often. Probably to make Mom angry or maybe because Chris was the ambitious, successful, simple son and I didn’t want to be constantly compared to him. So I did everything to make us incomparable.

But right now, I wanted to drink.

The music was loud, people shouted downstairs but I found an odd calmness here in this room. I didn’t even know when I had finished that bottle or when I grabbed the next one. Maybe after ten bottles, I’ll forget her entirely. Her voice, her smile, even her touches that were always so… pure.

I closed my eyes and leaned back when someone opened the door with an impact.

“Oops, sorry!”, a girl giggled.

I opened my eyes and saw her standing in a tight, short dress at the door frame. Her long, fair hair hung straight over her shoulders, her cheeks rosy from the liquor that was in her hand.

“It’s okay… just wanted to leave”, I said and got up. My head already pounded and my limbs felt heavy.

She uttered a brief laugh and came in, closing the door behind her.

“Hey, you’re that guy! Sorry for stepping on your toes!”, she giggled again.

At the second glance, I recognized her. She was tipsier than before, insecure on her feet.

“You come here often. I’ve seen you a couple times”, she said, biting her bottom lip.

This was so ridiculous. Now I was becoming famous for spending my weekends at this fucking house.

I shrugged my shoulders and tried to get past her, but she grabbed my arm.

“You wanna dance downstairs?”

“No.”

I had no desire to talk to her further even though she was exactly my type. Long hair, very delicate features. Her skin was tanned which was not unusual here in Los Angeles.

She was pretty.

“Yeah, me neither”, she said and took the bottle out of my hand.

She walked to the bed and leaned her body on her elbows, her dress revealing more of her skin.

I should go downstairs and take the Uber, or walk to the subway station, or not stare at her. She was eying me in a way that could only mean one thing. I couldn’t help myself but stare. Maybe it was the alcohol that made it hard to look away too.

“I’m Kayla, by the way”, she said and took another sip.

I grabbed my bottle from her hand and sipped at it, her eyes never leaving my face.

“So…”, she said and propped herself up on her knees, our chests almost touching, “You have some real problems if you drink all by yourself at a party full of people you could have fun with.”

I didn’t respond but took another gulp of the liquor. She hit the mark, I had some problems. But I didn’t want to think about it right now. Or ever. 

“Wanna forget ‘em?”, she said, placing her palms on my neck.

Hell yes.

I wanted to forget everything. Everything that happened those last months. In fact, everything that happened in Los Angeles. Not that Chicago was better, but at least I wouldn’t feel like this if I had stayed there. Maybe I would have forgiven Victoria and we would’ve worked through our problems and lived happily ever after?

I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. I didn’t want to think about her.

I bent back her head across my arms and kissed her. She groaned into my mouth and I let my tongue slip into her mouth. She was skillful, no doubt.

Her tongue explored mine – fast, wildly, impatiently. Her hands around my chest trembled as I placed a line of kisses along her neck, my hands moving to unbutton her dress before tossing it on the bed. Her perfume smelled as sweet as vanilla and covered her whole body, from her hair to her collarbones down to her belly. The scent was too stinging so that I locked my lips back on hers. Some strands of her hair curled around my fingers but slipped right through them.

Cec’s hair was different.

Her wavy hair always locked perfectly between my fingers, as if they were made to be there, as if they wanted to stay there. 

Cec’s scent was different. Cec’s tongue was different.

Cec.

“What are you saying?”, she gasped between the kisses.

“What?”, I mumbled when she pressed her lips against mine again.

“You keep saying something… a name or something”, she said.

Did I say Cec’s name aloud?

Cec. Cec. Cec.

I broke away from her explosively.

We were breathing heavily as I rubbed my temples and grabbed the bottle from the floor.

I couldn’t forget her. I could try and have sex with her all night long and images of Cec would appear through my mind.

“Sorry, I can’t”, was all I said when I rushed to the hallways.

I should go home. That guy was probably not going to show up tonight and I needed some fresh air.

I walked to the front door, past sweaty and giggling people. When I finally arrived at the yard I heard a familiar voice. And saw a familiar car across the street.

My heart stopped when I spotted Cec getting out of her car with Aro.

Maybe it was because of the alcohol or my tiredness or something else but somehow, I could neither move nor look away.

She was wearing the same blue summer dress she wore this morning; the one that brought out her waistline and hips in the best way. Her hair was curled and half of it was tied up – the way I like it the most.

She looked simply stunning.

And happy.

With her rosy cheeks, she walked around her car and stood in front of Aro. I didn’t know how I managed to hide behind a tree, my eyes and mind were still focused on her.

And then, he kissed her.

A sting in my chest crawled down my stomach and made my blood boil with rage. Within seconds I could feel my muscles tensing, my knuckles turning white from cutting their blood flow.

When I had seen Victoria laying in Chris’s arms, I’d been furious. I had been angry and jumped right at him, Victoria becoming a blur in the background.

All I had seen was Chris and the urge to hit him, to hurt him, the urge to let him feel pain had been greater than seeing Victoria’s sad, teary face or hearing her apologies.

This was a thousand times worse.

I should go. I should look away. Yet the biggest part in me felt the urge to cross the street and punch him until he’d look unrecognizable.

But I couldn’t. I just stared and didn’t move an inch.

A sudden chill swept through me although the night was mild. It was like an accident, horrible but one could not turn their eyes away.

I waited for what felt like an eternity for her to push him away, to slap him, to yell at him or whatever. But she responded to his kiss. Her eyes closed and her lips moved slightly.

I wanted to throw up.

I think I would have thrown up if the noise wouldn’t betray me.

She broke away from his kiss, finally.

I thought, I would react the same way like back then in Chicago. That I would walk right to Aro and destroy him like I had threatened but somehow I didn’t care about Aro.

In fact, I didn’t see him. I was entirely focused on Cec. Her face, her smile, her body, her.

She got into her car, touching her lips, and starting the engine absent-mindedly. She was thinking of him, I was sure. His fucking lips, mouth, scent, hands… everything.

I knew I’d just done the same thing. Maybe I would have gone farther with that girl upstairs. But seeing her in his arms, her lips locked with his was more than shattering me on the inside. It was raging me, horrifying me.

Although she doesn’t need me, although she’s better off without me, although she’ll probably hate me for the rest of my life if I’d tell her the truth – the whole truth, I still needed her.

I wanted her more than anything right now.

Maybe I’m sickening her and she needs to heal from me, but she is my healing.

God, I’m selfish.

Without noticing what I was doing, my feet started to move on their own. As if they knew where to go. As if they were called from the farthest distance to see her. To speak to her.

Even if it would be one last time.

 

“Cecily!”, I shouted and knocked the door. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a knock, but everything around me felt so muffled.

“Ceeeeecily!”, I shouted again and slammed my fist against the door. She has to be awake. She has to be here.

I knew she was home alone. Her sister was on a trip I heard her saying to someone.

Either way, I didn’t care if I had to wake up the whole neighborhood just to see her. She had to open that fucking door.

CEC!”, I yelled and she finally opened the door.

She was wearing a long-sleeved, flannel pajama with jogging pants and looked pale as she opened the door carefully.

She could’ve worn anything, I wouldn’t mind.

“Cec”, I said and extended my arm.

Once again, my body seemed to move without my awareness, her skin calling out for my fingers. I slightly brushed her cheek. I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming or seeing a mirage.  

No, it was Cec. It was my Cec.

“Ace, what–?”, she said but I couldn’t let her finish the sentence.

I stepped in and buried my head into her neck, my arms wrapped around her and letting her scent fill my nose.

It was her perfume. Her unique, only scent that I could never get enough of. Mixed with the flowery smell of her hair. She must have taken a shower earlier.

She smelled heavenly.

“I missed you, baby. God, I missed you so much. I missed you… I missed you…” I heard myself repeating. And for the third time, I was swallowing my pride just for her. I couldn’t remain proud when it comes to her. I would swallow my pride a million times just to see her again and hear her voice.

She pushed me off by my shoulders and forced me to look her in the eyes. Her big, almond-shaped, green eyes. Beautiful.

I couldn’t help myself from grinning. Just being near her made me grin like an idiot. Whatever. I’ll be gladly her idiot.

“What are you–”, she started again but I could only focus on her lips. Her lips that were moving so provocatively, so tantalizingly pleading me to be kissed.

My lips moved without the permission of my reason that seemed to be in a daze thanks to the liquor.

 I pressed my lips against hers and shut her up. The best way to shut a girl up. No, the best way to shut my Cec up.

Actually, I didn’t want to silence her. I would love to hear her voice all night long, to be able to listen to every random thing she tells me – whatever it is. But I fear that if we talk, we’d fight. And I didn’t want to fight.

I want to love her.

And I wanted to believe for a moment that she doesn’t hate me. Just for a moment I wanted to believe she loves the same way I do.

Her lips were soft, swelling after a short while. My hands wandered to her neck, pulling her closer to me. I would love to feel her closer but our lips are already consuming each other.

Hers tasted like peppermint. She must have just brushed her teeth. How delicious.

Her tongue fitted in mine in a sheer perfect way, our moves in synchrony and in an equality that amazed me – although she was inexperienced.

We were both longing, both desperate, both in need of each other, I could sense that.

Her hands moved up my arms to my shoulder, her fingers digging into my skin, making my head spin and my muscles contract more and more.

I want her so much.

In moments the soft caress has become more firm, I savored her lips and the quickening of her breath matched my own.

And as the images of Aro appeared in my mind, I felt a heat rising inside my belly. He had some fucking nerves to touch my Cec. To smell her alluring scent that made me want to misbehave in the most tempting way.

I hardened my lips, my need to feel her was too great. I touched her waist with one hand, the other placed on her back as I walked backwards, guiding her to the living room and placing the bottle on the table with our lips still stuck together. My mind was getting heavy and my vision blurring but I focused on her. I wanted to keep every millisecond of this moment in my mind and I couldn’t afford to pass out right now.

I stumbled over her feet and made her fall backwards on the couch. 

“No… we can’t…”, she moaned.

Her lips rosy, swollen and cheeks flushed red. Her mouth was saying that but her eyes were still longing for my lips.

“Cec… Cec… Cec… Cec…”, I groaned into her mouth repeatedly. Her skin was burning me, her lips pining for me, her scent dazing me.

I wanted to see her.

To remember every miniscule area of her beautiful face. I wanted to know every miniscule thing about her, too, but I guess I was not allowed to hope for that.

Probably, she’ll never tell me anything about herself again but I wanted to get to know her body better than herself at least. Even if the memory is going to kill me tomorrow. But I didn’t care for now.

I’ll just enjoy this moment, as short as it is.

“Cec… baby…”, I said and looked into her eyes.

My thumbs circled unwittingly her cheek. She has a small beauty patch next to her left eye – one almost couldn’t see it. Three others, placed like a line on the right side of her neck; tempting and inviting me to kiss them. And two small ones on her temple, near to the beginning of her hair. Her eyebrows were plucked neatly, accentuating the form of her eyes and I never noticed that small, faint, silver-white scar on her chin. I wonder where she got that one.

Maybe she’ll tell me someday… and her lips…

Her lips were sensuous.

In an indescribable way that made me wish I could draw them with the same rigor she had drawn my eyes in her microbiology notes. Her cupid bow, her lip line – it was the work of an artist. 

I leaned forward but she placed her fingers on my lips and put her body into a sitting position.

“Ace, what are you doing here? How did you get here?”, she asked alarmed. Was she worried about me?

“I took the subway”, I answered honestly.

Ah, my head started really throbbing against my temples. Shutting my eyes close, I rubbed my temples. Vainly.

I got up, maybe a glass of water will help, but my legs weren’t holding me anymore. I lost my balance and landed ungracefully on the floor, my eyes shut.

 “Ace!”, she yelled and tried to lift me up. If my mind wasn’t so damn fuzzy right now, I would have grabbed her arms and slept next to her, here on the floor, the whole night, maybe every other night too.

“Ace, wake up! Ace! Ace!”, she kept yelling. She really sounded worried. 

“Don’t yell… I’m awake…”, I muttered. Yelling isn’t helpful, Cec. My ears were already beginning to be sensitive right now.

After a what felt like an eternity, she sighed. “Come on, you can sleep in the guest room.”

She threw my arm around her shoulder and tried to lift me up, again. Okay, I’ll help her and lean only part of my weight on her. No, in fact, I was walking almost on my own but I still wanted to feel her close to me.

“I…want to sleep in your… bed… next to you”, I mumbled but she didn’t seem to hear me. Maybe she didn’t want to hear it and prefers to ignore me.

I couldn’t blame her. I was already selfish for being here and talking to her.

We arrived upstairs and she ushered me to a room in the middle of the hallway. It was a big room with a king size bed in the middle.

My head was spinning again and I would have thrown my body on the bed, not caring if I was sleeping in my t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.

But she gently helped me laying down on the bed and took off my shoes, my eyelids and lips getting too heavy to say thank you.

I sensed her staring at me which gave me an odd feeling of relaxation.

How could I have let this happen?

She turned around as she arrived at the door frame and looked at me with a serious face. I could always read her face expression but right now, it was confusing me and I didn’t have any idea what her features meant.

Maybe that was a sign that we were already drifted apart.

“Cec?”, I mumbled, my vision a blur.

“Yes?”, she asked, her tone gentle.

I blinked to get a better vision of her. Of course in vain.

I wanted to tell her what she means to me. But she was no good for me and me not for her.

I know she makes me weak, but without her I’m feeling weaker. Even when I tried not to want her, I ended up needing her more than ever.

I hate her. God, I hate her.

I hate her for breaking that promise to myself to never feel like this again. To never let myself get so fucking vulnerable it made me sick.

But no matter how hard I tried to deceive myself, at the end, I knew the only thing I hated was how much I love her.

I hate you for making it impossible to hate you, Cec and I hate you for making me love you so much that it scares the shit out of me, Cec, I wanted to say.

“I hate you”, was all I could voice.

My mouth closed, and my mind drifted into a restless sleep.

 

Meow.

My eyes flung open as they adjusted to the brightness in this room.

Where the hell am I? What happened last night?

I rubbed my eyes and yawned my sleepiness away. My head was still heavy and that familiar sting around the back of my head started to push itself forward.

I needed coffee and aspirin before this hangover was going to worsen.

Slowly, the images from last night crossed my mind…

I was at that frat party… and I was drunk… there was Aro… and I kissed a girl. Cec?

And I had a nightmare.

Of course, that was inked in my brain. Of course, my asshole father accomplished to make me a damaged man that has nightmares everytime I drink, even after years of a peaceful life.

But she was there.

The moment I felt Cec’s warmth around my body, I felt relaxed. It was as if her calmness and brightness were transferred into me, bringing sunshine into my dark nightmares.

Where was she?

Did she leave in the middle of the night after I fell asleep? Or did she stay here till the morning?

Either way, she was gone now. And I had no right to claim her presence more. It was out of sheer kindness and compassion that she didn’t throw me out the moment she’d seen me drunk at her front door.

I got up and opened the door to find her cat looking at me with her big, blue eyes.

She meowed again and licked her paw. That’s weird, normally she just hisses at me and runs away.

I bent down to try to caress her fur, anticipating her to hiss at me or to scratch me but she just purred the moment my fingers tickled her.

“You’re just like her…”, I mumbled and walked to her room.

That’s it, I might need a shrink for talking to a stupid cat.

I knocked at the door.

“Cec… ily?”

I didn’t want her to get upset in the morning just because I called her by her nickname, although I have the feeling she was going to get upset no matter what I say.

There was no answer.

“Cecily?” I knocked again.

No answer.

Maybe I’ll open just the door a little. If she’s asleep I’ll just go home, if she doesn’t want to talk to me, well then, I’ll just go home too and if she’s naked and changing her clothes… well then my reason won’t have control over my body.

She wasn’t there.

I walked inside her room which felt so familiar now as if I had been here thousands of times.

Her pajamas were lying sloppily on her bed, her textbooks scattered on her desk and other lectures from the night stand either on the floor or on the bed too.

I turned around and saw her mirror on which several words were written on.

 

Beautiful. Strong. Creative. Kind. Worthy. Compassionate. Selfless.

I love you, Cecily Martesse.

 

Whoever had written that must know Cec pretty well. She was exactly what was written there.

If not, a lot more than that.

I walked out of her room. It felt like an intrusion into her privacy and I’ve done that already enough.

Debating on whether I should make coffee or if that would be too rude, I decided to stay with a glass of water.

I sat at the kitchen table and listened to the sound of waves in the distance or Zazzy’s attempts to make me pet her.

Sighing, I bent down and let my fingers wander around her fur.

I need to warn her.

She has to stay away from that asshole.

We had a fucking deal and so far, he was not keeping his part. The only thought of him kissing her filled me with blind fury. I’d rather walk to him right now and punch him but I garnered every ounce of self-control.

I have to talk to Cec first. Maybe she’s going to listen to me for once and won’t ask any questions.

Who am I kidding? Of course that’s not going to happen.

I don’t care.

She can gladly hate me if she’d stay away from Aro. She could loathe me. I just wouldn’t want to see her with that asshole.

Yet deep down, I knew I would never want to see her with any other guy than me.

And that was probably the most selfish thought I’ve ever had.

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