Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

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26. Chapter Twenty-One—Why I never want to help Rarity again

And before you ask, I still haven’t figured out exactly how the hell it happened. Like, I had no clue, when Rarity was lucid she had no clue, and we were just both completely and totally confused about why we were arrested. But I know that I hadn’t actually done anything and as far as I knew, she hadn’t done anything either, so I was guessing it was all just a misunderstanding.

I was more surprised to learn that Equestria even had prisons, honestly.

 

After a day or so of waiting in that cold, boring cell, we were finally taken to trial. By that time, Rarity had apparently decided she was an invalid or something and was forced to lean on me for support. When we got inside the courtroom, I about turned around and just went back to my cell. Celestia was there, and she was not looking like she usually did, which was calm, happy, and collected. No, she looked like an avenging angel ready to drop judgment on sinners. We were Soddom and Gommorah and she was the divine retribution.

I put on my best poker face.

“Do you understand the charges against you?” Celestia demanded.

“No, actually,” I said. “I was hoping they could be explained. We weren’t told a damn thing.”

“You are charged with…” she pretended to go down a list of perpetrators to find our case, “…treason. How do you plead?” What. The. Fuck.

Rarity almost fainted. I answered for us both, “We plead not guilty.” There were whispers from the small crowd behind us. When I took a short glance back that way, I saw that only guards were present.

“Plead your case, then.”

“Well, all good tales start at the beginning, I suppose…”

 

As you probably know, I am normally a human. Well, a human with wings. However, because a few certain people can’t seem to accept that’s how I want to stay, I occasionally find myself in the guise of a pegasus.

My help had just been requested for a sensitive manner, a favor for a friend. The catch, though, was that I had to be a pegasus again to do it. With much trepidation in my heart, I agreed.

An interjection from Celestia: “What was the favor?”

“I was asked to work as a model. Not something I’m a fan of. Not something I’ll ever do again, if this is any indication of what happens when I try it.”

Anyway, I agreed to the job, because that’s the nice kind of guy I am. The… photographer, I suppose is the best term, was due in a few days, so I had some time to get my human affairs in order. There was little to most of what I had to do, so I finished within a day.

Before I was asked to help with this favor, I had been talking to another friend of mine, a mare named Rainbow Dash. She left in quite a bit of a hurry, so when I finished everything I needed to I checked on her. She was fine, and had just thought of something she needed to do. We talked for a spell over inconsequential things (namely, my past experiences with female humans—what little there were, but Celestia and the court didn’t need to know that).

I ate my last meal with human hands a day after the request was made, which I suppose is about nine days ago, now. After that breakfast, I had Twilight Sparkle turn me into a pegasus.

The photographer still had another day until he was due, so I threw a cloak over my blank flank and sauntered through town. I had paraded about like that, in the past, as an agent of the crown. Which is technically true, if you think about some of what I’ve done in the past.

Anyway, I was found by another friend, called Pinkie Pie, and she wanted to test my body in dancing. Pinkie Pie, another friend named Fluttershy, and I all get together every now and then and dance for fun, but I’m always a human when we do it. So we went off to get Fluttershy to find she wasn’t there, and couldn’t be found.

We did, however, find another friend named Applejack. We managed to coerce her into trying it out, under the guise of a challenge. She and Rainbow Dash are very competitive, and I had just recently invited Rainbow Dash to join us a time or two to see if she liked it. Applejack merely saw it as a chance to get ahead.

So we danced. We couldn’t do as much as we would have liked, as Applejack is not a flier, but we were able to do plenty.

And then the next day I went to Rarity’s shop to prepare for that bloody farce she basically forced me into.

She had learned her lesson from the last time she had worked with a professional photographer, and had outfits laid out if needed.

Then the photographer arrived, and I have never seen a stranger pony in my life, aside from some of my time in an African port city, looking at some of the nastiest cutie marks I’ve ever had to see. I won’t try to describe her or fake her accent, but she was dressed in some of the strangest clothes… I don’t suppose it’s my place to judge, but I never really was a fan of any of that fashion show crap. I suppose it could be decent entertainment, but I never got it. To each their own, I suppose.

Anyway, the photographer arrived and her agents started setting up. I think at least one of them noticed my blank flank, and the photographer started muttering something about ‘unrivaled potential.’

I was forced into an outfit and told to ‘act natural.’ For me, I suppose that would be false hauteur and heroism with an underlying constant search for possible exits. Anyway, I did so.

They took pictures and then left without a word. Rather impolite, if you ask me, but whatever. Rarity was nervous. I didn’t really care. Sometimes it’s nice to do something you have absolutely no connection to one way or another, so you don’t care if you succeed or fail.

I was told by a somewhat nervous Rarity to stay as a pony for now, and she sent me home.

I had been accosted more than a few times on the way there by some ponies calling me, for some reason, ‘Egill.’ Knowing what harm it could do to show them my lack of a cutie mark to prove I wasn’t this fellow, I just denied their claims and kept walking.

So to avoid that, I decided to fly back instead of walk. While in the air, I almost ran into a hurrying Fluttershy. With nothing else planned for the day, I asked if she needed help.

Her answer was yes. Apparently one of her animal friends had somehow managed to injure itself, and she didn’t know what to expect or what she might need when she got there. So off we went.

As it turns out, my help wasn’t even needed. It was a small critter that got hurt, small enough for her to easily carry by herself. I didn’t know what good I would have been able to do as a pony, but I’ve found in my years here that any time you don’t offer assistance to someone that looks like they need it, you miss out on a possible adventure.

When I left for home then, I realized that, hell, I don’t have hands anymore. So writing would be impossible, reading would be a pain, I was even more useless to Twilight, and I really just didn’t feel like dealing with an increasingly recalcitrant Spike.

The town was unexplorable, as everyone kept mistaking me for Egill, there’s only so much you can do in the air, and I had pretty much explored the entire surrounding area by then and knew about every single landmark around it.

I was kind of tempted to go out into a big open area and start messing with clouds, but I know they all get where they are because they’re put there, and if they’re put somewhere they’re probably there for a reason.

I was also tempted to go flying over the big evil forest conspicuously close to town, but I had helped drag one injured flier out of there already and I wasn’t planning on risking myself like that. I had plenty of times as a human when I was armed, but I didn’t want to take the risk as a pony with nothing but hooves to protect me.

So it was with absolute boredom that I wandered on down to Applejack’s farm to offer any help. I won’t pretend that I’m stronger than Big MacIntosh, but I did have wings. I figured, if nothing else, I could just fly around and watch.

I don’t know much about roofing or repairing stuff, but I was able to help fix up some of Applejack’s old, decrepit farmhouse and barn back when I was a human. That wasn’t the objective of this trip, however; with no hands, operating a hammer and nails would be a bit of a pain.

Of course, since it was December, there wasn’t much in the way of farming going on. All the harvests had been done and all the land was lying fallow. I was just bored out of my mind and hoping for something to do.

Big MacIntosh was the first one I ran into, and he didn’t know who I was, of course. He hadn’t seen me as a pony when I turned on the first time. I had to tell him about the time we got Rainbow Dash drunk to get him to buy that I was me. You ponies are very trusting, I must say.

Anyway, he hastily assured me there was nothing going on that they needed help with, but offered the hospitality of the farm anyway. Since I didn’t know much about this fellow other than that he has better morals than I, I decided to chill and talk a bit. He’s a pretty cool dude, though somewhat sheltered from being on a farm most of his life.

It didn’t take long for my presence to be noted by other parties, however, and I was soon ambushed by the Three Stooges: Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Big MacIntosh did nothing but laugh as I strove to get away from them. I had been ambushed by them in the past with… unpleasant results, so I did my best to get away.

It didn’t work. When those little demons get a goal in mind, they usually succeed at that goal. And since I didn’t want to risk hurting them, I was hesitant to actually strike back. At least it ended in more of a Mexican standoff this time, as I had a nice little trump card they didn’t know about, but that isn’t really important. I let them think they won and they disentangled themselves from me.

In response to their questions, I lied and told them I was here to offer help and if none was available I had plans to help Pinkie Pie with something.

I had no such plans, but they would probably want me to do something with them if I didn’t have anything else to do, and their ideas of fun often end with me in some manner of either pain or humiliating position.

They were content with that, though perhaps a bit saddened, and wandered off upon hearing the resumption of the conversation I was having with Big Mac. It quickly devolved into my accusations of him collaborating with them, and his hasty and obvious lies of denial. He isn’t as bad at lying as Fluttershy, but he’s not much better. I let him have it, though, since whatever.

After that our topic somehow got to women, and I don’t want to talk about what was said, since there are some women here today. Still, I somewhat have to wonder why everyone comes to me, a member from a different species, about picking up mares.

Anyway, after all the wandering that I had done, it was getting rather close to night. I decided to call it early and head on home.

On day three, I was awoken by a very pleased Rarity. I don’t want to talk about what it entailed, but she was happy because apparently she had heard back from that fashion chick. If we could get Fluttershy to come out of her retirement, we were basically assured a job.

I was very, very tempted at that point to tell Rarity to fuck off and to turn me back human. I am not a fan of fashion, I don’t care for it, and I didn’t want to do this in the first place. She… made me an offer that I could not refuse. Looking at where I’m at now, I’m thinking I should have refused it.

Fluttershy was surprisingly easy to convince. Despite hating her time in modeling, she didn’t seem to mind coming back to it, as long as, in her words, “It’s only temporary, and for helping a friend.”

The news was sent back to that chick and she wasted no time in stealing all three of us away, though I don’t really know why Rarity was invited. We took some pictures in and around town. Since we were both pegasi, we even took some pictures in the clouds. I saw little appeal in most of what they had us do, but the fashion people looked pleased enough so I stuck with it.

That day was killed quickly enough, with all the pictures we had to take. I swear, I think at the end they were out of film and were just faking the noise and flash of the camera. When they were finished, they called it a day and told us to go on home or whatever. Didn’t even see an ounce of gold for it, either…

Anyway, we went our separate ways and went home.

Day four didn’t involve any annoying fashion people at all. It was, however, one of our dance nights, between Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and I. It was different, as a pony, but since I’m awesome I managed well enough. Rainbow Dash came by halfway through it to get involved, and ended up dancing with Pinkie Pie for half the night. It’s all in good fun.

On day five, Rarity and I were summoned to the train station. Fluttershy was not invited. I had a bad feeling, but I went anyway. The unrefusable offer was still in play, after all.

We spent most of that day traveling to various places, with me modeling with various ponies. I was starting to think Rarity had said something to the head fashion chick about her relationship to me, but I make no accusations. She was there, for whatever reason, and her approval was sought for most of what we did.

Day five ended with us in a pretty spiffy hotel, and with me more pissed than ever at being in a pony body. It is a hard feeling to describe, and if you’ve never had your body changed you probably can’t understand. I kept doing things that to a human would be second nature but to a pony would be either impossible or painful. And having to be on four legs was annoying as piss. And I could feel my fingers, in a way, even though I knew they weren’t there. I kept trying to pick things up or touch things, only to feel them slide away against my hard hooves.

But I was promised that this would only last a few more days, and then I could disappear back as a human again.

Day six was pretty much the same as day five, only I spent a lot more time among the wealthy and affluent. The day ended with us chilling in a mansion, where the very familiar mistress of the house tried to seduce me, I think, and when she failed I’m pretty sure she put something in my water that I casually swapped with the fashion chick when no one was looking.

Yeah, when Fleur stopped by my room that night, she was very surprised to see me awake. I pointed her to Photo Finish’s room.

Day seven was pretty similar to the last two, with the exception of me and Rarity getting arrested on the third stop with no explanation. The last day was spent in a rather cold cell, having to cuddle next to Rarity to keep warm.

It was hell.

Rarity was given time to give her spiel after I told my position. It was, for the most part, an overly dramatic and tear-filled version of mine. She didn’t have the dance night, the attempted seduction part, or any of the reluctance.

If I had thought we actually had a chance of being convicted, I would have poked her and told her to stop acting, but I was pretty sure we’d be cleared.

When Rarity finished her testimony, there was relative silence in the court room. I wouldn’t be surprised to turn around to see that most of the ponies attending had fallen asleep.

Celestia picked up her gavel with magic, solemnly intoned “Guilty!” and banged it down.

The only thing in my mind was “Well, shit.” Then we were hustled back into our cell.

“So,” I asked Rarity in one of her moments of lucidity, “what’s the penalty for treason?”

“Life or death, depending on the severity of the treason. What did we even do?”

“No clue. Think you can use your magic to send a message?”

“I’ve tried! This place is walled off against magic. I can cast spells in here, but I can’t send anything out.” So much for getting help from Luna…  That also meant no help from the naga, Twilight, any of the cat people that could get here in time to do anything, or any of the surviving ponies that fled Egypt.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

Shortly after Rarity and I had our little talk about the penalties for treason, she spoke up again. At the time, I had my right wing over her back, covering her and holding her against me to keep us both warm. That cell was really cold. I think the guards were doing it on purpose, sadistic bastards.

Rarity said, “I don’t want to die like this...”

Before she could continue, I said, “I don’t want to die at all. Could be worse; at least we aren’t alone.”

“That’s the thing, Nav! They’ll probably separate us if we’re going to be killed soon! And they’ll definitely separate us if we’re to be sentenced to life!”

“Well, that’s going to suck. Maybe we should have tried harder to capture Trixie, then… At least you would have had some company.” After all, Twilight said that summoning those familiar things was illegal, right?

“Capture her? Because of that little contest? Why would that end up with her in prison?” she asked. We never did tell any of them what really happened.

“Well, she turned me into a pony. That kind of sucked.”

“But… being a pony wasn’t all bad, was it?”

I slowly turned my head to her.

“I know what I did was wrong, Nav. And… I’m sorry I did it.”

I rumpled my feathers a bit, and shrugged. “Not like it matters anymore, I suppose. So how did you want to die?”

“I didn’t… But if I had to pick, I would want to die being held by the stallion I love.”

I snorted. “I can’t offer you love, but at least I’m holding you. And at least I’m warm. If they plan to kill us, we can ask that they kill us together. No reason to die alone.” I said that more to comfort her than to comfort myself. Death is death, as far as I’m concerned.

“I know you won’t love me, but…”

“But?”

She hesitated. “Well, we’re either going to die or we’re going to be locked up forever anyway… Would you make love to me, before we’re broken apart?” At the look on my face, she said, “Please, Navarone! I know you don’t exactly think the world of me, but at least give me this last request, this last comfort… For a friend, if for no other reason…”

“You’ll be able to protect yourself from pregnancies in here? I really don’t want to risk anything, not if we’re possibly going to be sentenced to life in prison.”

“I’m not in heat; there’s nothing to worry about. But if it’ll make you feel better…” Her horn glowed for a second, and a light settled inside of her. I smiled darkly, readying myself. “I don’t know if I like the looks of that…” she said, standing up with me and seeing my smile.

“I think you will. Every night for a week I spent in the loving embrace of a cat back in Egypt. I learned quite a bit from her. Even though she gave me as much choice in the matter as you and Pinkie did.” She didn’t say anything, and started to turn. As she was doing so, I started saying, “Of course, that was a cat body. A pony might be a bit different… We’ll see.” That last was said as I was looking at her backside, raised a bit in the air. Ponies, in my very limited experience, don’t know anything about foreplay.

I was going to give Rarity a brief introduction.

I took a second to study her from this new angle. I had seen it before, of course, but I didn’t remember it. I waited for her to say, “Nav, what are you—oooohhh…” I interrupted her question with my tongue. After a few days in a jail cell, she didn’t exactly taste that great, but we were given a steady diet of fruits and vegetables, so she was still sweet enough on the inside. I wasted little time making my way in to check, of course; ponies aren’t quite like humans, and don’t really need that much preparation, but I like to think my efforts were appreciated.

Her moans of pleasure certainly made me think that, at least. And when I found her small clit with my tongue and gave it some nice, special attention, I was rewarded with a gasp, followed by a moan, followed by a weak orgasm.

I pulled my mouth away. “Not even to the main event and you’re already cumming? My, my, you really are a bit of a slut, aren’t you?”

She was too busy gasping for breath to respond. She was trying to form a coherent response when I mounted her.

“Save your breath, my little jailbird. You’re going to need it.”

That was the only warning I gave her before I impaled her. I sighed lightly in pleasure; she was a nice tight fit, despite what I said. Her response was a gasp of surprise. I gently eased out and slowly pushed back in, teasing her.

“After what you did to me those years ago, I’ll admit that I was tempted to just ravish you,” I whispered into her ear as I slowly took her, weakly pushing myself deep inside of her and slowly pulling almost all the way out. “But then I remembered something Kat taught me. I think I’ll have you begging soon enough, my little toy.”

I’ll admit, this was torture on both of us. She was squeezing me perfectly, and my slow movements made sure my dick felt every ripple in her walls. But at the same time, I know I was doing even worse to her. I figured I could keep this pace up for at least fifteen minutes.

After five minutes, Rarity was already showing signs of wanting to give in. I was going so slow that she had plenty of time to catch her breath. And when she did, she started begging, just as I had predicted.

“I know—oooh—that this is so unlady-like,” a low gasp, “but… HARDER!” I didn’t respond, and kept the pace.

After another minute, she tried again. “Nav… Please! It feels so—” a very unlady-like moan cut off whatever she was going to say. I kept going, smiling. It was starting to get to me, and hearing her moans of pleasure didn’t help that much either.

A few minutes later, I realized she was trying to wait me out, thinking I was close to giving in and giving her what she wanted.

I set out to prove her wrong. I kept up the gentle, easy pace, smiling the whole time, and happily listened to her try to stifle her moans and gasps.

After a grueling ten minutes of that, she just gave in completely. She practically wailed at me, “Anything! I’ll give you anything! Just stop torturing me! Please!”

“Anything?” I gently whispered into her ear. She weakly moaned in response.

I quickly picked up the pace. When she started bucking her hips in response, I knew I was where she needed me. It took us a few seconds to match rhythms, but when we did it made the wait worthwhile. God, but Rarity felt wonderful. And the knowledge that we were going to die soon… Well, it gave me incentive to make it last and make it great.

I think Rarity appreciated my efforts. Not a minute after we started going at it in earnest, she came again. I felt the spasms all over my shaft as I ravaged her, and knew I was close to giving in myself.

To prove I was still in control, I managed to hold on until her orgasm was over to cum. When her small aftershocks finally stopped, I thrust in as deep as I could get and filled her as full as I could, leaving my hot seed deep inside. I felt my wings shoot out. For a few seconds, there was only the sound of her gasps and my deep breathing. Then, slowly, I slid my softening stallion-hood out of her. She let out a small sigh of approval.

When I was fully out, her back legs buckled, and she fell on her stomach. I lied at her side and spread my wing back over her. The only sign we had moved from when we started was the small stain leaking from her pussy, dribbling to the floor.

“Navarone,” she finally gasped, “you’re evil…”

“I figured you would approve.”

“That was…” she stopped.

I tried finishing for her, “Worth being your last time?”

She nuzzled me weakly and smiled. “Not quite how I was going to put it, but if I died now I don’t know that I would mind…” At least that’s one of us.

“Now, about that anything you promised me…”

“Oh come on, Nav! That was under duress and you know it!”

“If we survive and somehow get out of this, no more fashion for me.”

“If what we have to look forward to is a cell block, I think I agree, actually.” There was a lull in the conversation, when she asked, “What was that thing you did, when we first started?”

I explained foreplay to her. When I finished, she said, “That sounds so… crude! But it felt so, soo good! Is there something similar that mares can do to stallions?”

“Yes. There were whole books written on the subject back in my world. There are all manner of positions, including some where both parties can stimulate each other at the same time.”

“How… how does it work?” she weakly asked.

“I would offer to show you, but I’m going to need a bit of recharge time.”

She rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like ‘Stallions!’ Her horn glowed briefly, and then she lightly touched me with it. “Better?” she asked.

I most definitely was feeling better.

I stretched a bit, and said, “Before we get started… um, clean yourself out a bit.”

“Wha—oh.” She looked and saw that she was still leaking. “This is all your fault, you know!”

“Yes, it is my fault that your last request was sex. Well, second-to-last.” I looked away while she did… something… to mostly clean herself up. I had to think of something to get me hard again anyway; ponies have nothing for me.

“Ready?” she finally asked. I turned to look at her. Despite the few days in a grimy jail cell, her purple mane still practically shined in the weak light, and still retained its basic shape. Her eyes were lit up a bit, despite the circumstances. Her determination touched me. I nodded.

“So how is this going to work?” she asked. I lied down on my back, fully exhibiting my shaft.

“I hope you don’t have much of a gag reflex,” I said. “Lay down on my chest, so we’re angled opposite ways.”

“…what?” she finally asked, looking at me like a retard.

I sighed. “Put your head,” I pointed at her head, “to my head,” I pointed at the tip of my dick.

She giggled slightly. “Well, I’m glad you never said you were a gentle-colt…” she said, and then did as I said.

“So do I just sort of… lick it?” she asked, when she got settled on top of me.

“If you were a human, you would open wide and suck it, lick it, and all manner of other things. I don’t know how wide you can open your mouth, though, and it’s—” My breath caught. Apparently, she can open her mouth wider than I thought.

She only took the first few inches, at the start; I don’t imagine she was used to having anything like that in her. Either way, I wasn’t complaining. At least, not until… “Hey, no teeth!” I yelled, and shuddered. She grunted by way of apology, and continued.

I took a look at what was in front of me, and figured I could return the favor. One good thing about this pony body was that my head had quite a bit of maneuverability. Despite Rarity being several inches smaller than me, I was able to dip my head in close enough to get my tongue at her pussy. As soon as I dipped my tongue in her honeypot, she answered with a deep moan that I felt all along my shaft.

She was hardly a pro, but she took to the job with relish. I answered her efforts with my own private battle. We went back and forth like that for a good while. I viciously attacked her clit, and she did her best to deep throat me, without even knowing the term for it. My efforts were eventually rewarded with her gently squirting in my face.

I smiled and slowly lapped the liquids off her and my face, and then continued on. I was getting close, but still had a small ways to go…

Not a minute after that thought hit me, Rarity did… something… with her tongue. I lost it immediately and came fully in her mouth. She gave a grunt of surprise, and I imagine she widened her eyes. She took it like a champ, though: Swallowed every drop, and tried to suck more out of me. With all the fruits I had been eating over the past few days, I imagined my cum was pretty sweet tasting.

Eventually, I gently eased myself out of her, and lifted her off my chest. “That’s enough, Rarity. I’m spent.”

She huffed, but said, “Is that anything like how your human girls do it?”

“Rarity… are you jealous?” That would be quite a tale to tell back home. A girl that got mad because she didn’t know how to give a blowjob.

She quickly answered, “No! Of course not.” After seeing my look, though, she said, “Well, it just doesn’t seem fair to me! Why would you humans come up with something like this while we had no idea?”

“Because humans often use sex to relieve stress and have fun and other things like that. And it’s somewhat stigmatized, so we have to come up with ways to do it quickly, or hide it or something like that. So we have all kinds of methods for it.” We lay back down in our original positions. Sex was a great way to warm the blood, but it was still very cold in there.

“It’s a shame we’re going to be separated soon, then… If we somehow get out, and this all ended up as the result of a mistake… Would you be willing to show me more?”

I looked at her, looking at me with her wide blue eyes, a gentle sparkle in them betraying her nervous hope. “If we survive, and you still want it, I’ll show you some.”

Of course, I didn’t get to keep that promise.

 

 

 

 

(Sex is over)

 

After making us cool our heels—or hooves, in this case—for a day, Celestia came by the cell to deliver our sentence. I didn’t know at the time why she did it there instead of in the court, but at the time I also didn’t care.

When she walked in, I greeted her: “Howdy, Big C! I don’t suppose you’re here to change your mind?”

“That’s a rather irreverent way to greet somepony who holds your fate,” she answered, glaring down at me.

“Well,” I answered, “you already know that if you sentence me to life in prison, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to exile as a pony, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to death, then I might kill myself just to spite you.

“And if I make sure you have no ways of killing yourself in your cell?”

“You should never underestimate the human mind when it comes to planning violence. I will find a way to die, if it comes to that.”

“That’s a shame. I came here to sentence you to life.”

Rarity started whimpering and crying. I replied, “You monster!”

“You finished?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. What kind of life?”

“Whatever kind of life you’ll make for yourselves. You’re free to go. I don’t even know why you were arrested. Probably some archaic law invoked by that noblewoman you spurned. I only pronounced you guilty to see what would happen. I’ve never been able to do that before!”

“Cool, when can we leave?”

Rarity, however, was not at all cool with it. “You… WHAT! What kind of immortal princess are you?”

“The kind that gets bored a lot,” I answered for her. “Duh. Let’s go, Rarity. And no more fashion stuff for me.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, though. Rarity was in full blown psycho mode. Celestia ended up silencing her with magic and I led her away. It was kind of funny.

But I knew it would be a bad idea to let her know Celestia was like that. When we got them apart, I said to Celestia, “We should probably find a way to make her forget this trial and arrest happened. And we should also probably find me some clothes and turn me human again, but that can wait until I get home, I guess.”

“I agree about making her forget. Some ponies just can’t handle having a leader that gets bored sometimes. One day I’ll have to tell you about the time I spent a year disguised as a chair, just to see what would happen when I disappeared for so long.”

Oh man, the wrong sister fell in love with me… “Celestia, you’re awesome.”

 

Celestia used her magic to put a still fuming Rarity to sleep, and made her forget the past few days. Then she put us on the train and sent us back to Ponyville. I suppose it was an interesting way to spend a week and a half.

When we got back, I poked Rarity until she woke up, managed to convince her she was too stressed if she didn’t remember those days, told her not to worry about it, walked her back to her home, and then got myself turned back into a human.

When asked by Twilight how it was, I just said, “Never again.” To both being a pony and the fashion industry, I was hoping; I was tired of both, and this was the longest time I had spent in that form yet. If that fashion chick came back around here trying to find my pony body, I had plans to hole up on a cloud with my crossbow and dare her to come and get me.

I was tempted to brag to Spike about my temporary closeness with Rarity, but she didn’t remember and he was being dickish enough as it was. Seriously, I needed to go into the forest soon to kill something for us both. It was only my previous experience trying to hunt in there that stopped me. Well, that and the risk of killing one of Fluttershy’s friends.

Not much really happened from that point until during Winter Wrap Up, and I only include this because I feel it is sadly necessary.

Yes, reader, I write about the time I finally got caught in the magic of the song.

Now, I had seen several of these songs happen in the past. The first year’s Winter Wrap Up, on the boats to and from Africa, a bunch of Pinkie Pie’s songs that she seems to make up and practice all the time, and when we got all the ponies in Ponyville trashed—though I don’t remember that one either.

Anyway, I was in my second Winter Wrap Up, on my third year in Ponyland, when I got caught in the damn singing magic. I was the first one, you see, so I didn’t have time to build up any resistance to it.

Basically, as soon as I stepped outside Twilight’s house, I was punched in the face by the song magic. There’s not any other way I could really describe it. I know my voice sounded considerably better than it was supposed to, and it fit perfectly with what everyone else was singing, but I was definitely the first one to start it.

Dude, I don’t even want to talk about what it was we sang about. I will say, though, that it was a lot darker than the usual pony songs, but not necessarily in a bad way. It gave hints at the Luna situation, the Kat situation, and my time as Egill, but no specifics. I have no idea how the ponies managed to keep up or how any of it fit together, but I guess that’s magic for you. It was also fitting for winter, though maybe not for a day that was supposed to be happy.

It did end on a very pleasant note, however, with Fluttershy popping in about a better tomorrow and a coming spring. I find myself hoping as I write this that the message imparted there would be true, and that the going would get easier. But I never did believe in storybook endings.

If nothing else, I was hoping I wouldn’t run into any more psycho women.

Oh, and a side note, in case anyone reading this is wondering: Whenever you get caught up in the song magic, none of the ponies will ever hold anything you sing about against you. It is mostly uncontrollable and it’s impossible to determine who might be the next victim, so there’s the unofficial rule that anything sung about will never be asked about or brought up. Not like anyone is reading this, though.

The rest of Winter Wrap Up was pretty chill. I helped Fluttershy again, since that was pretty much all I knew. The animals were getting used to me anyway.

Still, fuck singing.

Oh, and Pinkie Pie did throw me a party for my birthday. Sadly, for a twenty-first birthday, there was very little drinking, and none of what was done was alcoholic. We used almost all of the booze for the big returning home party, and the rest was saved up in case I needed it for anything that wasn’t drinking related.

It was one of her typical parties, with hooting and hollering and all that carrying on. I pretended to enjoy it to humor her, but I really don’t much care for stuff like that. Never did.

 

 

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