Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

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43. Chapter Thirty-Four Part 3

“I think that might be a bad idea,” I tried saying. I was, of course, ignored.

After a moment, Doppel turned into me as a stallion. “That tasted… odd,” she commented in my voice.

Chrysalis looked pony-me over with a smile. “I must say, I approve. What brought this turn of events about?” she asked me.

“Magic events most foul,” I answered.

“There weren’t any birds involved,” Pinkie said, confused again. Scootaloo did feature, though. “Well, you did get wings, but I don’t remember there being any birds in the story!”

We looked at her for a moment after her outburst. Then we turned back to look at each other and I gave a truncated version of how I ended up a pony. “The happiness I gave you a few days ago was actually from my second time as a pony, at the Gala,” I said. “I had way too much fun that night…”

“And it is possible for you to assume that shape again?” Chrysalis asked.

“Yeah, but you would have to know the spell. Apparently it’s hard to cast; Twilight can do it, though, so I’m sure you can as well if you knew it.”

“I did not know such magic was possible for ponies,” she said.

“Luna had to do a lot of research to figure out how to reverse it,” I said. “And they couldn’t—or wouldn’t—get rid of the wings. And it takes a lot of magic. Twilight can’t turn herself into a human because of her cutie mark; the only reason I can turn back and forth is because I don’t have one. The entire process is incredibly disorienting. I can’t imagine the amount of time it takes you guys to learn how to get over that.”

“It comes naturally for us,” Chrysalis asked. “And we are always changelings on the inside; if you cut us when we are a pony, we will bleed green instead of red. That spell is different; it actually changes what you are rather than what you look like.”

Pinkie sighed. “I wouldn’t mind being a human for a day…”

“Pinkie, it would really suck. I’ve been over that with you.”

“I know, but you should always try everything at least once in life!”

I muttered, “Then go get cancer.” She didn’t hear me, which was probably good. Louder, I said, “So your party is tomorrow in the dining hall. I assume Pinkie means the larger one, not any of the private ones.” She got a pensive look on her face but I rushed through before she could say anything, “A time must be picked and invitations must be sent. I’m sure you can manage all of that, Pinkie.”

“Already done!” she said with a smile.

“Oh, so I’m not invited?” I asked.

“Duh, check your pocket!”

I checked my pocket and nothing was there.

“Your other pocket, Nav.”

I checked that one and pulled out an envelope. “Pinkie, this wasn’t here when I sat down.”

“I was in your clothes for a while, Nav. It was a lot of fun!”

It was my turn to close my eyes and count to ten. When I finished, I opened the thing. When I opened the actual card, confetti blasted out and hit me in the face. That was relatively normal for a Pinkie invite, though, so it didn’t faze me.

When I finished reading it, I passed it to Chrysalis with an “I’m so sorry.”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at the invitation. When she read it, she looked back up to me. “I saved your life and this is how you repay me? You better make it up to me during the reception.”

“I’ve already promised you that we’re going to have fun then. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Pinkie said, “Oooh! You two have plans?”

“Just two old souls, drowning our sorrows and regrets together,” I answered her. “I know I’m sure as hell not going to that reception.”

“And despite having forgiven me, Cadance requested that I not attend the wedding or the reception,” Chrysalis added.

“So we decided to enjoy each other’s company,” I finished with a shrug.

“So you two are going on a date?” Pinkie asked, somewhat confused. “I thought you had a thing going with Princess Luna!”

“Pinkie, what have I told you about thinking? And no, it isn’t so much a date as it is a meeting between the loneliest two souls on the planet. What we decide to do there…” I shrugged.

“You’re not lonely, silly-filly!”

“I’m not silly.”

“You have me and Taya!”

“And I’m not a girl, so filly doesn’t apply.”

“And all of the rest of our friends!”

“And I’m pretty sure I’m… How old are you, anyway?”

“And all of the rest of Equestria likes you too! I mean, they’ll have to, if you’re going to be a knight!”

“God, I should have hung out with you more when I was crazy. Maybe then Twilight wouldn’t have tried to murder me.”

“Who’s God?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll tell you later. Maybe. Now, party details. Or party planning, if you’ve already discussed everything with Chrysalis. I’m sure she needs time to prepare, after all.”

Pinkie turned to Chrysalis. “You don’t need to prepare. You can just come as you are! Everypony’s gonna be there to see you, after all!”

Chrysalis did not look overly amused. “This will be my… first party, I suppose. I will nee—Why are you looking at me like that?”

Pinkie looked like she was about to have a joygasm. “YOUR FIRST PARTY!” she finally managed to squeal in delight. “I’ll make it super-extra-special!” She gasped. “I need to go do some more planning!” She dashed out the door, leaving the side-opening thing spinning on a center-axis that it didn’t physically have.

I turned to Chrysalis and saw her watching the door do what shouldn’t be possible. “Don’t ask,” I said. “No one knows how she does it and braver men than me have given up trying to understand.” Well, braver ponies. I did have a theory, but I kept it to myself because I was afraid of what might happen if I voiced it.

“Why is she not in a psych ward?” Chrysalis finally asked. “I could see into her mind. She is only half there. The other half is… empty. Emptier than even your mind.”

“Because a strait jacket won’t hold her and trying to keep her in one place makes her angry. That’s why we humor her. As far as I know, she isn’t actually dangerous, but then it’s also really hard to make her angry.”

She looked at the invitation again. “I suppose not attending the party might manage that?”

“Pinkie parties are not optional,” I answered. “Bad things happen to those that do not attend parties that are being held for them.”

“I see. I have done painful things in the past, but I never came to enjoy it. I suppose this shall be another thing to add to my list.” She flew the invitation to a desk or something next to the wall. “I know you just woke up, but I don’t suppose you have a busy day planned?”

“I do have some things I need to take care of, and I have a bachelor party I need to mediate—I’m giving them some of my reserves of alcohol and I need to make sure no one gets hurt. I don’t know the time of the bachelor party yet, so I’ll need to go before too long to make sure Spike didn’t do something stupid like plan it in the morning. As far as I know I should be free most of tomorrow and most of the wedding day, but then no one ever tells me a damn thing until it’s time for me to do it. If they can’t find me they can’t tell me I’m needed, though.”

“You have a practical mind. It is good to have you back among the ranks of the sane,” Chrysalis said. “Although I do admit, it was interesting having you in that state. It is a shame I was unable to see Celestia without her crown. And when you called her bald… I wish I had seen the look on her face.”

“It was certainly unique,” I said with a grin. “But I am glad to be back. It is amazing what being betrayed by another of your friends does to the mind. Though since this is her second betrayal, I suppose it didn’t hurt as much. There was that one time she left me alone against hundreds of dragons.”

“How many times have these ponies done this to you?”

“Oh, five or so. Twilight with the dragons, Twilight with the poison, Rarity and Pinkie with… what they did, Rainbow Dash and Luna with the dingonek, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash—and now Pinkie—for reading my journals. Only three of those actually physically injured me, though. I’m done trusting these damn ponies. I’ll work with them because I have no choice, but they’ll be hard-pressed to make me like it.”

“You know… you could come with me, when this is all over and I am freed.”

“I am too useful for Celestia to let me leave. Until I find a way to nullify magic, they can track me if I try to run. I am stuck.”

“I… see. Before you depart, would you mind if I fed? I have not found any willing partners in the time you were away.”

“Take want you want,” I said.

She stood and gracefully walked to me. “I can take what I want? Anything I want?”

“If my brain is stratified into times, stay within two years. If it isn’t, take only that which has ponies in it, no humans. I was a fool for remembering…”

Her horn glowed green and she bent down to me. I felt something leave my mind, but I don’t know what. “Memories are usually so stale,” she said with a sigh. “But yours seem to have a certain… bite… to them.”

“That’s because I never forgive and I never forget,” I said as I stood, letting Taya down easily. “All the pain and all the sorrow builds and builds and stays constantly fresh. We shall speak later, at the party if not before. Come, Taya.”

We left a very confused Chrysalis behind us.

As we walked down the hall to try to find a small dragon, Taya said, “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“No. I think what you did was brilliant, even if you didn’t do it for the reasons I think it’s so awesome.”

“I told them all you wouldn’t be mad. Apparently when Rarity heard, she nearly fainted. All of them but Pinkie and Twilight came by to try to convince me to go with them.”

“I’m not going to say what you did was the right thing, but it was probably the best thing. I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“You are going to turn into a kickass mare when you get older, Taya. I almost feel bad for your mate, if you ever find one.”

She smiled but didn’t answer.

“So, if you were a dragon, where would you be?”

“A cave full of treasure.”

“If you were a brainwashed, ponified, baby dragon that was tied to the apron strings of a damnable unicorn, where would you be?”

“Wherever the damnable unicorn told me to be.”

“That’s a bad word. Don’t use it when important people are around.”

“What about unimportant people?”

“Well, who the fuck cares what they think? The only reason you need to be careful around Celestia is because she has the power to make me suffer. I’d kick the ass of just about anyone else that gets mad at me for being a bad influence.” Especially since I already said I would be a bad parent.

“I’ll remember that.”

“Just don’t go lying to me about someone you don’t like saying anything like that. I have a pretty good bullshit detector.”

“I’m pregnant.” She said it so matter-of-factly that I actually stopped mid-step and stumbled a bit.

“Who’s the son of a bitch?! I’ll kill him!” I gripped my dagger. “Wait, that’s not possible. You’re too yo—Wait. How old are you, anyway?” Why don’t I know anyone’s ages here?

“You know I was lying, right?”

“Well, duh. I don’t think you even know any colts. Or stallions. Whatever they’re being called these days. I’ve just always wanted to be an angry dad ranting about some dick that stole his daughter’s innocence. Since I’ve already corrupted your mind, I’ll have to settle for being an angry dad forcing a guy into a shotgun wedding because he got you preggers.”

“I’ll remember that too.”

“Just don’t go evil with it. These ponies are too useful to start killing them offhand.”

“You don’t seem to be selling that idea to Chrysalis very well.”

“Well yeah. I need her to trust me. The more foreign leaders I have on my side, the more places I have to go when I inevitably push Celestia too far.”

“As long as you take me with you.”

“Of course.” I wouldn’t want her to be used against me, after all. “Now, we really do need to find Spike.”

“To the library?”

“Of course.” And hope to high heaven that Twilight wasn’t there.

We found Spike surrounded by a fuckload of books, drooling slightly on one that was open under his sleeping form.

“Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed when he sees that.” Spike jerked but didn’t wake up. I poked him a few times. He swatted at me. I leaned down and whispered, “Rarity’s here,” into his ear.

He jumped up and I quickly leaned back, looking over his books. “Where is she?” he exclaimed, looking around wildly and wiping his face.

“Where’s who?” I asked, looking at him. “Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed at this mess.”

“He can bring it up with you. I’m here because you asked me to be, after all. And because Twilight has been… Never mind.” He looked down at the book he had been sleeping on and grimaced in distaste before shrugging and slamming it closed. “None of these books have been looked at in forever anyway. There’s a lot of strange stuff out there, Nav. I mean, I found out that there are actually three orders of knights, even though everypony only ever remembers one. Or two, now that Luna is back.”

“Three orders, you say?” Now that stroked my interest.

“Yeah. Solar, Lunar, and Umbral. The Solar knights swear to Celestia and the Lunar swear to Luna, but the Umbral knights swear to do whatever is best for Equestria at whatever the cost. There haven’t been many of them in the past, of course. They typically work in the shadows and manipulate events from afar, but there have been a few exceptions. Oh man, now I’m sounding like an egghead! What time is it? The bachelor party will get my mind on straight!”

“Eh, it’s around noon or so. What more can you tell me about the Umbral knights?”

“They don’t have to take orders from either Princess, and can actually countermand their orders if they think it is for the best. Which is, of course, another reason why there have been so few of them. However, while a Solar or Lunar knight can be any species, Umbral knights have to be ponies.” He shrugged. “There’s a lot of history involved with all of that.” Fuck. That’s racist.

“So how can I go about getting unknighted?”

“Oh, that’s almost impossible. You have to do something incredibly inappropriate like murder or something.”

“What about breaking my armor? I’ve heard that would work.”

He giggled. “I went against your requests and looked up a few stories about knights. Breaking your armor only works in stories.” Dammit, Rarity. “So have you decided which kind of knight you want to be yet?”

“Fuck it, I’m siding with Luna. You find anything else interesting?”

“All kinds of things. Most of it was… really boring. But apparently any prince or princess can form their own knight order. If you really don’t want to be a Solar or Lunar knight, you could probably ask Cadance if she would have you.”

“And become a love knight? Fuck no. I don’t suppose there’s any other royal blood running around this castle? I had never heard of Cadance until a week ago, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was.”

He shrugged. “They appear and disappear randomly.” SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

“If you want to go tell Rarity that I’m going Lunar, I’ll put these books up.”

He jumped all over that opportunity, of course. I put all the books up—thankfully, this library had been reorganized since I got into this world to the Dewey Decimal system. It didn’t take that long to get them all away.

Still, that’s really disappointing. I was hoping for a deus ex machina or something to avoid having to commit to either side. I always strive for equality, though, and I know Luna is currently on a much lower footing than her sister. Me signing up with her will bring her closer to Celestia. And it’ll force her to attend the wedding. I guess I could just murder someone or something to get unknighted.

With the books put away, Taya and I went down to the kitchens. She needed food and I wanted to grab one of the booze barrels to drop it off in my room.

“Living in the palace is awesome,” I said as I carried a barrel full of booze back to my room.

“Why do you say that?” Taya asked.

“All the food we could want, we have our run of the library, I don’t have to do my own laundry, the shower goes hotter, and I don’t have to put up with a shitload of ponies every time I turn around.” Oh, there are plenty of ponies in the palace, but I didn’t have to talk to any of them.

“Then why don’t we live here?”

“Because the rest of this city fucking sucks. Nowadays, most of the ponies in Ponyville are either really friendly or passive about my existence. Here in Canterlot, they’re mostly snooty, those that aren’t afraid. No one says anything to my face, but I hear whispers and I can see the glances.” Snooty fuckers.

When we got to my room, I caught a princess rooting through my stuff. I whispered to Taya, “Wait here.” I set the barrel down in the hall as silently as I could. I snuck up behind Celestia, who was currently rooting under my bed with her flank in the air. I grabbed her on both sides where her cutie marks were and gently tugged her back into me. “Can I help you, Celestia?” I asked. She jerked her head up from under my bed and turned to me with a red face.

“I’m just… looking for laundry?”

“I thought you didn’t micromanage the clothing of those under you.”

She smiled at that, some of the redness going away. “You know the only way I like you under me is when we’re not worrying about clothes.” I think her blush transferred to my face.

“Uh huh. Well, if you’re really looking for clothes…” I walked over to the drawer with all of her livery in it. “I have a bunch I think I will no longer need.” I pulled the drawer out and held it up for her.

She nodded. “Good. You are the first proper knight my little sister will have raised in… over two thousand years, I think. She would have been crushed if you chose me.”

“I’m not stupid, Celestia. Even if I did have a bout with crazy. That’s not to say I’m particularly smart—” I did, after all, drink all of the poisoned tea. “—but I know that I’m going to be living a while and I know I can, given the chance, love Luna.”

“And yet here you are seducing a queen. And telling all manner of lies to her as well.”

I shrugged. “Old habits die hard. You really need to plan an orgy for the four of us, though I think you’d be hard pressed to convince the other two to join.” For some reason, she blushed at that. I slid the drawer back in the chest because I was tired of holding it.

“Oh, are you reconsidering?”

“No, I’m just tired of holding it. Not all of us are graced with such squishy bottoms that act as convenient tables.”

“You didn’t seem to mind it.”

“Hey, I’m a human; I like squishy. Of course, well-toned also has… advantages.” I am so glad I left Taya in the hall.

“Hmm. I’m going to have to find a way to get Luna to share you. Your silver tongue is just so… delightful.”

“Humans view sex differently than some. I have no trouble differentiating the physical from the emotional. As long as I don’t have to worry about knocking anyone up, I’m good to go.”

“That should never be a problem, with magic on our side.”

“I’ll leave the convincing up to you. It never goes well if a guy tries to do it. Or you could just casually mention one day that you know how humans view sex; that way she won’t think oddly if I end up sexing half the castle.”

“You do tend to go through the mares, don’t you?”

“Hey, a guy’s gotta have fun while he can. And since I’m pretty sure Luna is still in love with me, when the seven years ends I’ll probably end up shackled to her, unless she agrees on an open relationship of sorts.”

“Open means that she is free as well, you know.”

“I’m okay with that, as long as she doesn’t get knocked up or diseased. I don’t think I’m biologically compatible with any diseases here, though, so it wouldn’t matter overly much if she did.”

“You know, I’ve got a bit of time…”

“Taya’s in the hall.” She sighed. “That’s your fault, not mine. I’m sure we can find some time to continue this, if you’re really interested. Though when you have as many guards as you do, I can’t imagine you really need someone like me for stuff like this.”

“Navarone, you know the reasoning behind that. Now sadly, if we aren’t going to be having a bit of fun, I need to depart. No pony seems to know how to do anything themselves anymore.”

“You’d go crazy without doing princess things all day. If you really get bored of it, just turn into a chair again. I’ll make sure to find you every day and oil you.”

“I might just do that. Until later, Nav.” She left, thankfully leaving my regular clothes behind. Taya trotted in, carrying the barrel with magic.

“If you could have done that, why was I toting that thing all the way here?”

“You didn’t ask me to carry it.”

Thankfully it wasn’t a heavy barrel. “Whatevs. Well, you got anything planned today?” She shook her head. “Any ideas on what you want to do?” Another head shake. “Well, if you’re interested, we could head to the library. I have some writing I could be doing and you have some magic stuff you could be doing.” She shrugged. “I know it’s boring, but at least you won’t have Twilight breathing down your neck. Hopefully. If she is there, though, I’m just gonna keep walking.”

“You really are a coward, aren’t you?”

“There’s a difference in being smart and being a coward. Twilight just recently tried to kill me, and I have yet to see any indication that she is in any manner of mood to not try to kill me again. Given that, I am forced to assume that she is going to try to kill me again the next time I see her.”

I really need to learn to leave my door shut when I say shit like that. In walked Twilight Sparkle.

“Taya, activate cuteness!” I ran for the window before it slammed shut with an orange aura. I didn’t stop and had already started jumping when an orange aura surrounded me. “You traitor!”

“How did you know it was me?” Taya asked, not dropping me.

“Duh, the aura is orange. If Twilight was doing it, the thing would be purple. Now let me go so I can continue running away!” I paused a beat. “I mean, strategically retreating.”

“Navarone, unicorns don’t release auras when doing magic,” Twilight said. "What are you talking about?”

“The only reason I’m still alive right now is because you want that question answered. I will hold onto the answer for dear life.”

“Fine. It can wait. I believe we need to have a talk.”

“I respect your opinion and I believe I understand why you hold it, but I disagree and am forced to ask you to cease.”

“Then it sure is a shame your daughter is currently on my side.”

“Why, Taya?”

“Because this is funny,” she answered. Sadistic, ungrateful little…

“Nav… I really don’t know what came over me. I was so mad at you and at the princess for what you both did to me… I tried studying something—anything—to get my mind off my anger. I remembered the poison in your room and I came to get it. When I saw the state of your… bed… my anger exploded. I was so mad that I couldn’t even concentrate on studying the poison! I couldn’t figure anything out about its composition, so I just tried… a little taste. A small drop. I don’t remember much after, until I woke up in a cell. No pony even told me what I did… No pony even knew. They just told me… that I almost killed you.” She was breaking up, now.

I hate dealing with tears.

“Twilight, have you ever heard of strychnine? Or perhaps sarin?” Oh, now she was really crying. “They don’t go well in tea. Or human bodies, as it turns out. Taya, let me go.” I gently fell to my feet. “Come, Twilight. You have physical changes to document. Apparently most of my organs were replaced with magic, and I have new blood now.” Oh great, I made it worse somehow. Now I have a crying super-powerful unicorn on my floor that just tried to kill me.

What would Batman do?

…I got nothing.

You know, I feel like I’ve been here before. My eyes drifted to the barrel. If it takes that full thing to get me and Chrysalis blasted, there’s a problem. Twilight should be a lightweight. “Taya, I need a flagon. Can you—” A cup floated next to me. “Thank you.” I used my knife to pop the top off the barrel and dipped the glass in there. I walked over to Twilight. “Here, Twilight. Drink a bit of this. It’ll help calm you down a bit.”

I had to kneel down and lift her head up to get her attention. When she saw the cup in my hands, she opened her mouth a bit. I took that as a sign and gave her a small sip. That turned into a large gulp when a bit of magic grabbed the glass. Before long, it was empty.

Then she just sank down to the floor, letting the cup fall.

“Alright. We all know what you did was fucked up, so I’m not going to mention that. We all know what I did that day was also fucked up. We all know what Celestia did was fucked up. You and I were not in our right minds at the time of our fucked-upedness. Celestia was, but we can’t do shit to her. I am willing and able to pretend this never happened if you are as well.” I stood and replaced the top of the barrel. “Think about it. As much as it pains me to say, we’ve become friends. I don’t want that ruined. Besides, Celestia apparently already punished you. As long as you don’t do this shit again, it’s over. If you try to take me from my daughter again, I am mounting your horn on my wall as a trophy. Taya, help me get her into bed.” Taya actually did all the work, picking her up and dropping her in my bed with ease. “Think about it, Twilight. Stay here as long as you need. And stay the fuck away from the rest of my booze; I have plans for it.”

I stopped long enough to grab all the papers from my desk and Taya and I left a rather distraught Twilight on my bed.

“You could have handled that a lot better,” she said when we were most of the way down the hall.

“I didn’t see you stepping in to help. Besides, if I haven’t told you before, I’m kind of an idiot. And a bit of a sociopath. Now, I ain’t got shit to do until the bachelor party… whenever it is. Assuming I’m actually invited. I guess we’re going to the library.” We walked in silence for a bit. “Oh, and if you see a pink alicorn, warn me. And don’t trap me with magic against her; she wants to talk about icky stuff like love. There’s a decent chance you can use cuteness against her, but if you do distract her long enough for me to get away, you need to run as well; she’ll probably want to play filly games with you.”

“Noted.”

Thankfully, we didn’t run into her. We made it to the library just fine. We spent a few hours in there. I proofread and corrected the plays I had been writing and she did whatever she does with magic books. I tried to read a few of those in my first year, but it was all literally gibberish to me; I can’t understand a word of any of the unicorn magic books. Not for lack of trying, of course. I spent a few hours trying to translate them before I asked Spike what the fuck was wrong with those books. He couldn’t read them either. I still secretly think all the unicorns are faking and just print nonsense to screw with everyone else, but meh.

However, you can only do stuff like that for so long before needing to move about a bit. We were there for probably four hours before moving on. Just… walking through the palace, taking a break.

And that’s when we ran into Cadance. Taya and I were turning a corner and there she was on the other side. I don’t know who was more surprised, but I’ve been in more life-or-death situations than she has, so I reacted first.

“Taya, activate cuteness!”

Nothing.

“…Taya?” I looked behind me and she was running down the hall. “Man, she must really hate the idea of filly games.”

“Navarone, what are you doing?” Cadance asked.

I turned to her and shrugged. “Getting ready to run from another princess. You?”

“Hunting down humans and forcing them to listen to relationship advice. You know, the usual.”

“Nice, nice. Good luck with that.” I turned and bolted for the nearest window.

I didn’t make it.

Cadance dragged me over to her. “You know what you need, Nav?”

“More alcohol than is strictly healthy?”

“Nope. Try again.”

“A sexy dragoness all over my junk?”

“Ew. Try again.”

“Immunity to magic? That would have helped a lot two days ago when Twilight attempted to murder me. Again.

“I guess the third try isn’t the charm after all. I think you need… a makeover!”

“Oh fuck no.”

“I don’t know… it might make you more pliable. And I know Rarity would be overjoyed to help!”

“No, Rarity is still repressing guilt from the last fucked up thing she did to me. I think she’ll be on my side.”

“Oh, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

“She would still be in prison if anyone knew.”

“…What.”

“Can you let me go? I haven’t met my quota for running away from unicorns yet today.”

“No really. What?”

“I’m not telling you anything, pink temptress! Release me!”

“But we still haven’t had our talk!”

“Nor do I desire to. How about you go and plan your wedding night or something?”

She blushed lightly. “That’s already been taken care of. And it’s none of your business!”

“Yeah, whatever. If you need any tips, let me know. I can teach you all about the joys of BDSM.”

“What… what does that stan—You know what, I don’t want to know. I want our first time to be… special.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that. Now how about you let me go?”

“Have you planned your wedding night with Luna yet? I could help you do that!”

I barked out a laugh. “Lady, it’s a bit too late to cross that road.” I loved causing that blush on her.

“There’s just no hope for you, is there?”

Before I could answer, I saw her eyes look behind me and widen. I would have turned to check, but I was kind of immobilized. I heard Chrysalis say, “Am I interrupting something? Perhaps a last minute lover’s tryst?”

Well, Chrysalis did a much better job at making Cadance blush than I did. I fell to the ground with a painful thud.

“We were just discussing—”

“You don’t have to hide your feelings, Cadance,” I said. “I’m sure Chrysalis understands; I mean, I am a pretty sexy beast.”

Chrysalis caught my game quickly. “Indeed. I’m sure we could arrange a quick ménage à trois.” She reached out a hoof to one of my wings and gently traced it. “I bet your Shining Armor wouldn’t notice. He might even appreciate a mare that’s a bit more… experienced.”

Cadance gulped and took a step back. “I uh… I have… princess things to do!” She bolted back the way she came.

We burst out laughing. Well, I burst out laughing and she chuckled a few times. I picked myself to my feet. “Thanks for the save there. Crazy cunt has been trying to trap me for a week. I think the only reason she stopped when we were in those damn caves is because there was no thrill of the hunt.”

“You are welcome, Navarone. And you need to thank Taya as well; she is the one that brought me here.”

“Well, she sure is doing a good job of hiding; I don’t see her.” I didn’t, either. Wait, there she was, trotting down the hall.

“I had to do a bit of speed walking to get here on time,” Chrysalis said with a shrug.

“A queen exerting herself on my behalf? I’m honored.” I hope the sarcasm wasn’t too much.

“I believe this is the second time I have saved your life—or at least, your sanity. You definitely owe me now.”

“Well given that you tried to kill me once, I think I only owe you for saving my sanity. And since you helped drive me insane there for a while, I think we might be about even.”

She grinned, giving me an interesting view of her sharp teeth. “Then find another situation in which I can save you, so you owe me.”

“I don’t know… it seems dangerous to go around owing royalty favors. I know it hasn’t done me any good here.”

“Are you comparing sweet and loving Queen Chrysalis to hateful and cruel Celestia?” she asked, pretending to sound hurt.

“Hateful and cruel who?” we heard Celestia’s voice say as she turned the corner that Cadance fled to.

“Cheese it?” I whispered to Taya. She nodded. I started to the window again before I was grabbed by three spells at once.

Celestia and Cadance had walked around the corner. Their horns were glowing. I noticed that Chrysalis’s was as well. Well, this just got interesting. Taya was gone.

“Ladies, please! There’s enough of me to go around.”

“Ugh!” Cadance groaned. “See, Auntie! I swear, he’s just totally depraved!” I noticed that her horn had stopped glowing.

Celestia looked at her for a moment before turning her gaze to me. “Navarone, do you know what I do to naughty colts?”

“I don’t know, but I hope it involves chains and whips.”

Cadance groaned again. “I don’t know what Luna ever saw in you!” She got a very shocked look on her face, her eyes going to pinpricks as she looked at Chrysalis. Apparently she didn’t know Chrysalis knew. When Chrysalis didn’t react, she just groaned again. “And he brags about it to random mares! Auntie, do something!”

Celestia looked at me and licked her lips. “I think I know just how to drain the lust out of him,” she said in a sultry voice. “It’ll take… repeat performances, though.” She took a step closer to me and winked at Chrysalis.

“And I would love to do my royal duty to assist you, Celestia. I think I know just the form to take to help, too.” She turned into Cadance with a filthy grin. “Anything to improve relations between our ponies…” She, too, took a step closer.

The real Cadance was just gaping. After a moment, she gagged. “EW EW EW! AUNTIE!”

Celestia turned to her with a disappointed expression. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but you’re getting married! I just can’t let the real you assist; it would be terribly poor form. You are welcome to watch, though.”

That was enough for Cadance, who ran away screaming about perversion.

Now that caused all three of us to just burst into laughter. When I was able to look up again, Chrysalis was back in her proper shape.

However, I was still being held by two spells.

“So, are you two going to let me go any time soon?”

Celestia looked to Chrysalis. They shared a predatory grin, though I have to admit that Chrysalis’s was much scarier.

Celestia said, “I don’t believe you’ve played with him yet, so I’ll wait until you have a turn before we share him.”

“So gracious!” Chrysalis said with mock surprise. Her grin grew deeper. “I’ll hold you to that. The deal about sharing him, I mean.” Oh fuck, they’re serious. “I don’t suppose… Would sweet little Luna be interested in joining us, perhaps?” Why am I smiling?

Celestia said, “She seems reluctant. Perhaps when she learns that Navarone has accepted the offer to join her Lunar order, she will relent.”

“I certainly hope so. What a lucky stallion he’ll be, to have three royals with him.” Oh God, they’re really serious!

Well, this trip to Canterlot just got a lot more fun.

“Quite,” Celestia said. Her horn stopped glowing. “Do treat him well, now; I would hate for him to be unable to… stand at attention… after the wedding.” With that and another wink, she turned around and walked the way she came.

“So uh… Why is she acting like that?” I asked when we couldn’t hear her anymore. “I mean, she’s been strange before, but never this bad.”

Her smile dropped a bit. “You can’t tell? Really?” I shrugged. “She’s in heat.” Chrysalis grinned again. “Now come along. I believe I made a promise of sorts to your princess.” I was still floating, by the way. ‘Come along’ was more like ‘passively float behind me.’

The situations I find myself in. I swear.

I mean, really. What the fuck? I’m not complaining, but hell!

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

 

 

 

“You know, many changelings would kill to be in your position,” she idly commented as I floated behind her.

“You probably won’t hear any complaints out of me, Chrysalis. I’ll admit, you’ll probably be the weirdest thing I’ve fucked so far, but at this point, I’m all about exoticism.”

She sniffed. “Oh, am I just another species to add to your list? Is that all you see me as?”

“I don’t remember saying that. While I am happy that I can add another species, I do care about you.”

She swished her tail aside and turned her head around, winking at me in two different areas. For a second, I thought I saw something moving in her bughood, but I dismissed that as an illusion of desire. I did, however, see holes in her labia before her tail fell back into place.

“Like what you see?” she sweetly asked.

“You just have holes everywhere, don’t you?”

She giggled huskily. “And you’re going to get to play with a few of them.”

“A few, huh? You’re a naughty queen, aren’t you?”

“Let’s just say I push the limits of most of my lovers to their boundaries. And then I break those boundaries. I think with you, though, I’ll go gentle.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I like that idea. I’m not into the freaky shit, not after what I’ve been through.”

Thankfully, further conversation was cut off by us arriving at our destination. She continued holding me as we entered her room. “Doppel, leave. You may come back in a few hours.”

She looked between me and Chrysalis a few times before biting her lower lip. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Do not make me repeat myself,” Chrysalis answered, starting to sound a bit angry. Doppel sighed and left, pulling the door shut behind her. Chrysalis nodded and carried me into the bedroom, gently setting me down on the bed. “Now, remove your clothes.”

I stood and did so, hoping she didn’t mind seeing some very different equipment than what she was probably used to.

She grinned and walked closer, bending me down to her level with magic and gently kissing me. Her fangs felt unwelcome against my mouth, but the kiss was still nice. When she let me go, she said, “I can be anypony—or anyone—you want.” She morphed into a random human woman. “Homesick?” a voice asked. She morphed into Sweetie Belle and I shivered. “Or perhaps interested in forbidden fruit?” She morphed into Cadance. “Or maybe you really are interested in our little pretty princess?”

I shook my head, taking hold of her face by her cheeks. “No, Chrysalis. If we’re going to do this, I want you. It’s only fair, since you’re just getting me.”

She morphed back into herself, blushing. “No one but changelings have ever… Well, not willingly. Are… are you sure you want me?”

“I’m here for Chrysalis, not any imitations.” I pulled her in for a kiss. She was shy, now, but I slowly warmed her back up. When I pulled away, she was still blushing a little, but she looked more willing to accommodate me.

“If that’s really what you want…”

I kissed her yet again. “It is. But before we do start, is there anything I need to know about your body?”

She held up a leg. “Our air holes are slightly sensitive.” She fluttered her wings. “As are our wings, but not nearly as sensitive as a pony’s. And… I don’t know how to say this, so let me just show you.” She turned around, swished her tail aside, and said, “Open my lips.”

I slowly teased them open and saw… “What in God’s name…” There were little appendages inside with what looked like nails at the end. In the center of the mass of writhing limbs was her green clit. I rubbed her outer lip with one hand and reached my other in there to gently poke at her clit. She let off a sigh of pleasure as the little feeler things reacted, closing weakly around my finger. “They won’t hurt me, will they?” They didn’t feel like they could. They looked sharp, but they were actually mostly fleshy. I imagined they were just there to make sure whoever her lover was didn’t try to pull out at the last minute.

“No, of cou—Oooh!” I had leaned in a bit further. As soon as she said it was safe, I stuck my tongue out and licked her little button. She pushed back into my face as I continued lapping at her folds. I reached my fingers around to her lips and poked through holes to hold her lips back as I explored her depths with my tongue. For a creepy bug creature, she was really sweet. I imagine that had something to do with all the love or whatever I had been feeding her.

She was gently panting while I continued exploring, her feelers erratically shifting against my tongue, presumably trying to guide me. I was having too much fun making her moan on my own to give into what those little pincer things wanted. I moved a few fingers to toy with her clit as I began spelling her name into her with my tongue.

When I dotted the i on her clit, she finally screamed out and came a nasty looking viscous green fluid. I sputtered, pulling away. “W-what?” I sputtered, still trying to discern the taste. I smacked my lips, actually focusing.

What the fuck? It was like a green jolly rancher. I looked at her slit to see some fluids left. I lifted a hand to my chin and felt some of it there. I shrugged and stuck my face back in, finishing the job by cleaning her up. I saw that her legs were somewhat shaky when I leaned back in, so I lowered my hands to her back legs and stuck each finger in a hole, holding her up and stimulating some apparently erogenous zones.

When I finally had her cleaned up, I pulled away with a grunt of disappointment from her. “You taste a lot better than I was expecting,” I commented as I let her tail flop back down.

“When… when you eat… raw love, that happens,” she answered, panting. “I haven’t had anypony do that to me in years!”

“Seems to me like you need better lovers.” I grabbed her haunches and pulled her in close, grinding against her. She gasped when she felt me. “You wanna do this here or on the bed?” I asked, giving her ass a nice slap for personal reasons. All it ended up doing was making my hand sting and reminding me that she was mostly in a carapace.

She giggled at my antics. “As much as I want you to take me like a peasant girl standing up, I fear my legs would give out.” I shrugged and let her go. She turned to face me and looked me up and down, taking in my manly physique. “You are very scrawny. And I was expecting more hair.” She shrugged. “But that is no matter.” She put a hoof to my chest and pushed back, tripping me onto the bed. I caught myself with my arms, holding myself up to see her push her head in and envelope my member with her mouth.

I felt her tongue wrapping around me. And then wrapping some more. And then some more. “Wha—” I managed to get out. She opened her mouth, revealing a very long and pointed tongue pulsating around my stiff manhood. She grinned at the shock on my face, revealing how I was fit perfectly around her fangs. She lightly shook her head once, making me hit both fangs. I flinched as I barely felt their tips around my member and she chuckled before finally closing her mouth and getting back to it, thankfully keeping her teeth away.

Her tongue was considerably more skilled than Kumani’s. It was also stronger, able to squeeze me perfectly and dance all up and down my member. When she slowly unwound her tongue and let her tip circle my head, I let out a sigh of pleasure. “God you’re good, Chrissy,” I whispered, running one of my hands through her hair as the other continued holding me up. She grunted by way of answer and wrapped her tongue around me again, drawing me in as far as she could get me.

Her tongue snaked out of her mouth and lapped at my balls, just getting them wet before pulling back in and continuing to toy with me. The hand on her head began rubbing at one of her ears. Her eyes met mine as she pulled her tongue away and gave a hard suck. I felt my eyes close and I took in a deep breath. Her tongue flicked out to continue its assault as I slowly let the breath out. I suppose a few thousand years will teach a girl how to suck a cock.

Soon—too soon—she pulled away with a slurp. “Wouldn’t want to ruin the main event,” she said in a sultry tone, sensing my disappointment. Her horn lit up and she pulled me off the bed before she hopped up to where I was and lying on her back, legs stretched out. She turned me around and set me down facing her. “Buck me hard,” she ordered, using magic to give me a small push to accentuate her point.

I looked over her body one last time and had a really funny thought. She saw me smirking and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I poked one of the holes on her legs. “I’m just imagining filling all of these with dicks.” She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed. I felt something smack me in the back of the head. “Yeah, yeah.” I stepped up to the edge of the bed and grabbed her back legs, lifting her up a little to give me a better angle. I positioned my head at her entrance. I could just barely feel the appendages inside squirming around, trying to grasp something she eagerly wanted. I grinned and began giving it to her, slowly pushing in. The fleshy pincers guided me in, crawling along my dick and giving me goose bumps.

As I slowly pushed in, I saw that she had her eyes shut. When I was finally inside she nodded and said, “Wait a moment, Nav.” I stopped moving. The pincers also stopped, just holding me steady. I felt Chrysalis tighten around me. She let out a breath and asked, “How is it now?”

I began pulling out, the feelers letting me go. I pushed in again to find it the perfect fit. I nodded. “Wonderful,” I answered.

“Then rut me like one of your filthy princesses.” That wasn’t exactly a very appealing mental image.

I smiled, not planning on ‘rutting’ her. I slowly began the rhythm, keeping a nice, even pace. It felt wonderful for me and I was hoping she felt the same. Each of my fingers was in a different hole on her back legs as I fucked her, so I was hoping she was feeling good. I know her feelers liked it; they were going wild down there, rubbing me in all the right ways.

She sighed. “I know you’re trying to make love to me, but don’t even bother faking it. I can feel your emotions, Nav. Treat me rough.”

“Well fine.” I dropped one of her legs and lowered my hand down to her clit, holding her somewhat on her side. I began picking up the speed, increasing both of our fun. I grinned when her massive tongue lolled out to the side, saliva gently dripping onto her bed as she panted and moaned.

It felt good to finally fuck a pony in my human body.

…Lines like that are why I’m glad this journal will never get home.

“Harder!” she moaned, breaking me from my horrifying reverie. I grinned and let her have her desire, fucking my favorite bug pony silly. I was finally starting to notice that her feelers actually were trying to guide me. I paused for a moment to grab her other leg and let the pincers take hold of me before picking up again.

She screamed out in pleasure when I thrust in that time. I grinned and grinded that spot, making her moan and call out something in a language I didn’t understand. I began thrusting again, hitting that special spot each time and making her entire body spasm in pleasure. Her wings were trying to flutter against the bed, but succeeded in nothing but making her look cute, for an insect.

Her eyes rolled up into her head before she shut them, surrendering her body to the pleasure I was dealing.

Of course, she wasn’t the only one suffering; whatever she did to make herself tighter was doing wonders for me, and as hard as she was on the outside, her insides were perfect, presumably groomed to make breeding as fast as possible.

The surprise motion of me letting one of her legs go and rubbing at her clit again was enough to send her over the edge. She mewled in pleasure and gushed out more green fluids, squeezing my manhood perfectly and getting me to cum as well, showering her insides. I let her ride her orgasm to its end before I pulled out, quickly softening in the cool air.

I shook my legs, walking around the room some while she caught her breath. “Hot white love isn’t as good as the real stuff,” she whispered, “but by the stars, it feels good…”

I grinned. “I’m happy you approve. Want me to grab my clothes and leave to let you recover?”

She picked her head up and looked at me with those sexy green eyes. “No. I want you to get on this bed and cuddle with me until you’re ready for round two.”

I sighed. “Since you’re the queen, I guess I have no choice…”

She smirked as I joined her on the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her hard and unyielding body against mine. “Happy?” I asked when we were situated.

“I’ll be much happier after a few more rounds,” she idly commented, snuggling against my body. I grinned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Sex is over)

 

 

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