Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

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44. Chapter Thirty-Five—Fear and Loathing in Canterlot

Three hours later, I was nursing a flagon of booze in a bar somewhere in Canterlot, watching Spike earn his status of bro. I decided—based on the current events—that Shining Armor was going to get fucking tanked at this party.

Which is why he was currently doing flaming shots, courtesy of Spike. All of the other guests were cheering him on as he finished off his tenth. And for a pony, a shot is a glass about the size it would take to get me drunk.

Oh yeah. This shit was strong. Really strong.

The only thing we were missing was strippers. I tried to get Doppel to come with me, but she refused.

“For the last time, I ain’t tellin’ you how to make this shit,” I told the bartender. Ever since he found out what alcohol did and who made it, he had been trying to get the recipe. “Fuck off and find some salt or something.”

“I’m tellin’ ya! I know a guy that could get us anything we need! All the bits you could ever want. All the mares you could buck. All I need’s a recipe!”

“I ain’t attracted to mares, bro.” He blinked and opened his mouth. “And I ain’t attracted to stallions, either. You are not getting this fucking recipe. Fuck off and enjoy what little of it there is before it’s gone from this world forever.”

There was suddenly a white foreleg around my shoulder. “Relax, Nav!” Shining Armor slurred. He looked at the bartender. “Back off, barkeep, or I’ll have you in chains!” He giggled. “Only if you break the law, though. Gotta keep up appearances, after all!”

“Jesus. You’re going to have a killer headache when you wake up, bro.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t wake up until tomorrow! I can deal with it then.” He turned drunken eyes to the barkeep. “You got any salt?”

“No, Shining Armor,” I said. “We’re not mixing drugs. You’re going to be dehydrated enough with the booze; you don’t need to add salt.”

“Hey! This is my bar!” the bartender said. “You can’t stop me from serving my customers, even if you are a big winged freak.”

“I know what you’re trying to do. But you can’t threaten to press charges if you’re dead.”

He walked away very quickly after that.

“Buckin’… jerk,” Shining Armor slurred. “Hey, do we got any more of that… booze, I think you called it?” I gave him my flagon; I know my limits, and I had no intentions of getting anywhere near them. “You’re a true friend, Nav. It’s a shame you live so far away. You ever get tired of living with my boring sis, you look me up and I’ll fix you up right and proper in the guard.”

“The guard ain’t my style. I don’t arrest people, I kill them.”

He laughed at that like it was a joke. “That sure would save us all a lot of time,” he finally said when he was able to talk again. “You’re a trip, Nav. I’ll talk to you later, though—I gotta go… party.” He wandered back off into the main party.

Spike came up with a small flagon and joined me at the bar. “Well?” he asked.

“You did great, bro. I can honestly say I’m shocked. And if you get drunk, you’re staying in my room. I’ll not have you give this away to Twilight by waking up with a splitting headache.” Though, come to think of it, Twilight might actually still be in my bed; I hadn’t been back to my room since I left her there.

“That’d be awesome. I miss those days when it was just you and me.” He took a long draught and belched up a massive flame. Oh yeah. Alcohol is flammable. Heheh.

There was some applause from the drunken guys at the display and Spike raised an arm to acknowledge it. He finished the glass off and gave another massive belch, burning the mustache off one of the guys, who burst out laughing.

“Oh man, Celestia’s gonna love that message!” Spike cackled. I couldn’t help a smile. I had a feeling she was going to be getting some weird shit in the coming hours. When the laughter died down, Spike turned to me, “So why aren’t you drinking, Nav?”

“I’m the designated…” I waved a hand. “Whatever. Gotta make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“Psh. Sounds boring. I know you love drinking back home, so why not here?”

“I only drink occasionally, when I don’t feel like thinking anymore. And I rarely get drunk. The difference is that here there are unaccustomed drinkers, so someone that knows what to look out for needs to be watching.”

“Fine, fine. Have fun with that. Imma go back to the party. You know you’re welcome to join us.”

I waved him on, leaning back on the bar and watching.

“Hey freak, wings off the bar.”

Fucking asshole barkeep. I stretched them out to both sides of me. I know Spike and Shining Armor had been on one side, but I hadn’t been paying attention to the other side.

“I’ve heard you’re friendly, human, but I didn’t know the rumors were this true!” Never heard that voice before.

I ripped my wing back from the mare I was enveloping and saw that it was the DJ from the Maris party. “Oh hey, it’s you! That concert at Maris was badass. What’re you doing in a shithole like Canterlot?”

She raised an eyebrow above her large purple glasses. “Killing time before the buckin’ royal wedding so I can play my set and get out of this place and back to Manehattan. I remember seeing you at Maris, dancing with ‘Tavia and the dragon. What’re you doing here?”

“Same thing you are, but with Ponyville as my destination. It’s amazing what kind of shit you have to go through when you work for the princesses, you know?” She smiled. “I help stop one little changeling invasion and suddenly I’m a big hero. I don’t reckon it helped that I was the liberator of Egypt and I won that tournament thing back in Paris. Either way, I gotta wait here until I can get knighted at the wedding.”

“Poor bucker. I’d hate that kind of responsibility. You should totally appeal to Luna for help. She’s an awesome party girl at heart, I know she’d bail you out.”

“It’s partially her fault I’m in this mess. Never accidentally seduce a princess.” I waved a hand. “Enough of that mess. Go over there and grab a few flagons of that apple stuff. Drown your sorrows.” She didn’t move but I saw her horn glowing. Two flagons moved our way.

“What is this stuff? I know it’s having all kinds of effects on those guys, but I’ve never heard of a liquid doing that stuff to ponies before.”

“Alcohol.” We reached out for the mugs. They were all designed to be held by hooves, however the fuck that worked, which meant they worked even better for a hand. “It has similar effects as salt, but at the same time it’s totally different. You’re a lot smaller than those guys, so it shouldn’t take you too much to get drunk. I had a friend named Rainbow Dash drink a few buckets of it and get so shitfaced she couldn’t walk.”

“Hahah, you know Rainbow Dash?” She took a hesitant sip at it before smiling and downing half the flagon in a gulp. I nodded. “Now that mare knows how to have a good time.”

“Yeah, she’s always fun to chill with. If you’re interested in talking with her again, she’s in the palace and will be at the reception.”

“I’ll have to lo—Whoa! This stuff is kicking in now!” She shook her head quickly and giggled. “You gotta get me some more of this stuff.” I passed her my flagon and she started working on it. “Not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it for now. I can totally see the use for this stuff at parties!”

I shrugged. “I can get you the recipe.”

The bartender was suddenly at my shoulder. “Hey!”

“Hi, how you doing?” I said, not turning.

“Sup, nice to meet you,” the DJ added.

“You’re starting to piss me off, freak!”

“What, disappointed that he can draw and keep a crowd better than you can?” the DJ asked.

“Only because he’s so ugly! I’m surprised the princess hasn’t had him locked away just so we don’t have to see him.”

“I don’t know about ugly. I happen to think he’s kinda cute.” I noticed that she had turned around to face the barkeep.

“Oh, you think so? I don’t guess you’d mind proving that, then?” he asked in a flippant tone.

I smiled, knowing where this was going. I flipped around on my stool, wrapped an arm and a wing around the mare, pulled her close, and we made out right in front of the barkeep’s sputtering face.

After a full minute, we pulled away from each other. She grinned at him. “Any more and I think the officers behind us will have to arrest us for indecency.”

The bartender was very, very red-faced. He stormed off without a word. We turned back around, trying to hold in laughs.

“Not many girls I know would actually do that,” I said. “You definitely just made it on my bro list.” I held up my fist and she met it with her hoof.

“Not many stallions I know would be able to keep up with that. And most of them would be wanting more.”

“You’re cute, I’ll give you that. But I just had my brains fucked out by the changeling queen, so I think I’m good for now. Besides, you never even told me your name.”

“Vinyl. Vinyl Scratch.”

“Navarone.” We bro-fisted again.

“So… the changeling queen?”

“Dude, I’m not gonna lie: I’ve done some crazy shit. I’ve slept with some kickass chicks. But that one rocked my world and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”

She grinned. “You’re gonna have to tell me more about that, Nav.”

She pulled another flagon over and sipped at it as I told the sordid tale.

“Oh buck… Maybe we should have let her take over! At least then things would be a lot more fun around here!”

I grinned. “I’m not so certain about that. Rumor around the palace is that a certain large white mare is in heat. I know she certainly is acting a bit strange. Ain’t no telling what’s gonna happen come the wedding, when all the mares and stallions have to get together and she’s standing at the front, staring them all in the eyes.” Scratch giggled at the idea. “I know I’ve certainly been walking on tiptoes around that place. Chrysalis ain’t the only one with exotic tastes, I’ve found.”

“Sounds to me like you’d enjoy it more than anything.”

“Whoa now, us guys need a bit of time to recharge. And I’ve been getting drained a lot lately. Nearly every night at the Maris party and twice in the three or so days I’ve been on the surface back here. You girls have it easy.”

“Oh man, that reminds me of a great story! You’re gonna love this!” She proceeded to tell me several very dirty stories that I won’t reprint here because frankly, I’d blush every time I read through them and if anyone ever read this, I would never hear the end of it.

Then again, given some of what I’ve written in the past… Nah, these are someone else’s stories. I won’t write them. But if you ever find me in a bar one night and we get through all the other tales… I will make your ears turn bright red from this mare’s stories.

When she finished her tales and was eagle-eyeing more booze, Shining Armor came up. “Hey Nav, you gonna introduce us to your marefriend there?”

“Scratch, Shining Armor. Royal guard captain, DJ extraordinaire.”

“Oh, you’re the poor bastard getting married,” Scratch said. “So sorry, dude. At least you got a kickass party out of it.”

“And I’m expecting one Tartarus of a wedding night,” he said with a grin. “Nav here gave me a bit of advice, and it seems everypony else here had a bit to chime in as well.”

Scratch scoffed. “Advice from stallions ain’t worth a bit on the wedding night. Save their advice for when she’s pushed out a few foals and is looser than Nav’s morals.” I smiled at that and SA laughed even though he had no idea what she meant. “Her first time needs to be romantic and gentle. Don’t want to hurt the poor mare.”

“Ah, that is what Nav told me, though. The rest of their advice… not so much. He even suggested I massage her wings!” He laughed again. Good God he was drunk.

“Oh ho! So Nav really does know how to treat a mare.” Scratch grabbed one of my wings and pulled it down. “Here, let me show you every place you need to know on a wing to get a pegasus super-hot and bothered.”

He snickered. “Hold on, Scratch. Hey guys, gather round! Nav here’s participating in an anatomy lesson!” The entire bar pressed around to watch me get molested.

I was having too much fun to care. The fun quickly increased when she started pointing out pressure points and demonstrating how they worked. This chick knew more than Kat, somehow, and she made sure to demonstrate it all. She left me very hot and very bothered.

When she finished, one of the random guys in the crowd called out, “You just gonna leave that poor stallion hangin’? Lookit him!”

She lifted up her large purple glasses to look at me with some amazing red eyes. She looked me up and down before grinning and letting the glasses fall. “Whaddaya say, Nav? You interested in a humble mare like myself? I know a nice little alley less than a minute away.”

I had her hoof in my hand and we were out the door before the cheers were even close to abating.

 

(Sex is cumming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

 

 

 

She wasted no time leading me down a relatively dark alley. I have to admit, the place was pretty nice for a back alley next to a bar and where quickies are apparently common enough that Vinyl knew where it was. It was much better than the alleys in Catro, that’s for sure.

She raised her fore hooves up to my belt, jerking at it. “How do you get this thing off?” she asked after a moment of work.

I reached down and undid it for her. “Simple as that,” I said. She pulled them down and eyed me with a raised eyebrow.

“Huh.”

“Different ain’t always bad, is it?”

She answered by engulfing my whole member with her mouth, already deepthroating me. Before I could even do anything, she used her leverage to push me back against the alley wall, making sure I couldn’t move anywhere. The only bad part about that was that her horn was dangerously close to my belly.

I put one of my hands on the top of her head, in case I needed to control her. I let my other hand gently rub at one of her ears. She seemed to appreciate that; she bobbed back and wrapped her tongue around my head, giving me a long suck. I shuddered in pleasure as she took me back in, moaning.

Her tongue started to dance across my dick as she slowly began bobbing up and down. I didn’t need that hand there to help control her. She was a master at her craft, and despite whatever that said about her character or morals, I wasn’t going to complain.

She wasn’t letting me get used to whatever she was trying, either. Every time I started feeling myself getting into the groove, she’d subtly change the motions of her tongue and the speed she was bobbing, constantly increasing the pleasure. At the three minute mark, I was grateful that all my physical sensations were deadened. Anything to prolong what I was feeling was good in my books.

At the five minute mark, I was squeezing my eyes shut, trying to stop from cumming. She started speeding up, working her best to get me to blow my load as fast as possible. She started paying special attention to my head, circling it with her tongue. Her efforts were rewarded as, two minutes later, I felt myself twitch and finally hit sweet release. I sighed as I unloaded into her mouth. As I came, she pulled back so that only my tip was inside, propping it up with her tongue so it would all land in the perfect spot.

When the last drop came out, she pulled back and showed me the fruits of her exertions, before closing her mouth and very noisily swallowing. After a deep breath to recover, she said, “I gotta say, you definitely have endurance. Most stallions give in after three minutes.”

“Yeah, well I ain’t no stallion. Now, your turn,” I said with a predatory grin.

She waved a hoof. “That’s not ne—” I caught her hoof mid-wave. She stopped what she was saying, which was good because I wouldn’t want her to have bitten her tongue when I flipped her onto her back. She shook her head, dazed. “How did you do that?”

“Just a trick I learned. Now lay back and enjoy yourself.” I looked up at her face. “Oh, and take those off.” With a glow of her horn, they settled on the ground next to her. I took a second to pull my pants up so I would have some kind of defense if a guard caught us.

That done, I knelt down in front of her. I first put a hand on her belly, gently rubbing it. “Oh come on, Nav. I don’t want to be here all night.” When did girls stop liking romantic gestures?

“Fine.” I moved that hand lower, brushing against her sweet honeypot. I started rubbing at it, waiting for her clit to come out to play. She was already pretty wet, thankfully. I slipped a finger inside, slowly twisting it around. She let out a light sigh. I set my thumb on her little nub, smiling at her gasp. I started rubbing the clit as I inserted two more fingers, curling them around and playing with her insides.

“Oh Cel-Celestia,” she whispered. “Why can’t p-ponies ha—ooh—have fingers?” A quick mental image flashed in my head of a pony having fingers extending from its hooves. I shivered and continued working on Vinyl. I gently traced my name inside of her. She finally let out a loud moan when I got to the o.

I grinned and pulled my fingers away. Before she could complain, I grabbed her back legs and pulled her up onto my lap, putting me between her legs.. I leaned my head down and took a good lick at her snatch. Is that… coconut? What the fuck? I’m not much a fan of coconut, but that just gave me an incentive to finish this faster.

I took her clit in my mouth and sucked on it, getting her to let out another real moan. After a minute of gently suckling at her, I pulled away from that and finally started eating her out proper. I spelled her name into her and felt her legs start to clench at my head. I started shaking my head slightly as I spelled more words into her so my nose would rub against her little clit.

My efforts didn’t go unnoticed. Her legs kicked straight out and a small bit of fluid shot out at me. I caught it all and let it sink down my throat, ignoring the taste. I did my best to clean her up as the climax wracked her body. When her throes were finished, I pulled away from her and let her haunches back on the ground.

She sighed happily. “It feels like bedtime now,” she whispered.

“No, now it’s time to go back into the bar.” I slowly pulled myself to my feet and her red eyes watched me rise. “You shouldn’t keep those hidden away.” Her blush deepened. “This was certainly fun. You good to walk?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just give me a moment.” Her face was still blushed and her eyes were somewhat unfocused. She closed them for a moment and started taking in deep breaths. A minute later, she flopped over and got to her feet. She shook each hoof and rolled her shoulders. Her horn glowed and the goggles returned to her face. “Alright then, shall we?”

 

 

 

 

(Sex is over)

 

And we were back in twenty minutes later, both feeling immensely better. “Recharge time, huh?” she smugly said as we found our seats at the bar.

“I’m part tree; I heal fast.”

“Don’t know about healing quickly, but I know you can get hard enough to be a tree!” She said that loudly enough that the entire bar heard it. Many laughs were had and another flagon was shoved in both of our hands. Well, my hands and her hooves. I actually downed a bit of the booze within that one before passing it on.

“You don’t like your own creation?” she asked as she downed the remnants of my flagon.

“I know my limits. I’m a bit lighter than ponies, and I don’t want to get drunk. Someone needs to make sure these drunks don’t do anything they’ll regret.”

“Like enjoying watching a stallion get molested in front of them?”

“Well, since that stallion was me, I don’t care if they regret it. I had fun, so who cares what they do? Besides, as much as most of them have been drinking, they won’t remember much about this party.”

“Oh, this stuff erases memories too?”

“Nah, but if you drink enough, you black out and you lose some control over yourself. It lowers inhibitions and several other things. And it dehydrates you, so when you go to sleep drunk, you’ll wake up with a massive headache unless you drink a lot of water. And as always, you can drink too much and hurt yourself or even kill yourself.”

“Good to know. You still need to get me the recipe.”

“You know what, if you can keep me supplied with this shit, I will. Just don’t give anyone else the recipe. I don’t care what kind of bits you’re offered. And be careful, because it’s flammable. That country hick that made this for me built a still and the damn thing blew up when she did something wrong.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. If you’re going to be at the wedding, just give me the recipe at the reception.”

“I would, but I’m not going to be there. I got plans. I do, however, happen to have paper on me right now.” Like I said, I haven’t returned to my room since I left Twilight; I still had all my paper and whatnot stored on me. And ink. A quill, though… “Can you pull out a feather for me?” I felt a twinge as a loose one fell out and floated up to me. I spun around and pulled out my supplies and made a quick list and some instructions for her. “You need any more info, I live in Ponyville. If I’m not there, look up a place called Sweet Apple Acres and talk to Applejack. Tell her… Well, convince her somehow.”

“I might stop by. Celestia only knows this lifestyle gets old sometimes; a quiet place like that might be nice to visit for a short time, and it would be good to see Dashie and Pinkie again.”

“Ponyville’s always a welcoming place. As long as you aren’t too different, at least; took them a few years to get used to me. Though I still think the reason they started treating me like a person was because a unicorn tried to kill me in town square and Celestia told him to knock that shit off.”

“Psh, you had to get bailed out? That’s weak, bro.”

“Oh no, I was going to kill that sumbitch. Celestia saved him, not me. She just didn’t want everyone there scared of me.” I giggled. “And then someone kicked his ass for threatening me, which really helped.”

She smiled. “Sounds like a fine place, alright. They probably wouldn’t much care for my kind of lifestyle, and I know I’d be shunned a bit for my eyes, but it does sound nice.”

“First, I’ve been to a rave party there that, while not as awesome as the one you threw, was still pretty badass. And second, your eyes are too beautiful to be shunned for. Why you wear those glasses is beyond me.” I was still watching the party going down so it took me a while to notice that she was completely silent. I turned to look at her to find that she had pulled her glasses up and was staring at me. “What?”

“Do you mean that?” She sounded odd, for some reason. Maybe the alcohol was kicking in more now.

“Yeah.” I did, too. “Why?”

“I’ve never had anypony tell me that before, is all. Most of them are afraid of me when they realize what my eyes look like.”

“Well, more fool them. I quite enjoyed it when you tried to eat me. If you’re evil, you missed a good opportunity to kill me.”

She grinned at that. “No. There are just… bad legends about red eyes. They’re uncommon enough for ponies, and most of us that have them are shunned a bit. You’re one of the few ponies I’ve met recently that have seen them.”

“There’s the thing: I’m not a pony. And you forgot that I just fucked the changeling queen. I’ve seen some shit. I know better than to fear legends, and to respect beauty where I can find it.”

“And here I thought you said you weren’t attracted to mares. If I didn’t know any better—and if it wasn’t already too late—I’d say you were trying to get between my legs.”

“I’m not sexually attracted to you, but I recognize beauty when I see it. And I’ve had sex with enough mares that I know how good you can make me feel. And how good I can make you feel.” I shrugged. “It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. They agree to overlook their revulsion for me and I do the same.”

“Hmph. You really know how to make a mare feel great about herself, don’t you?” She didn’t sound that amused.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m a product of where I come from. Having sex outside your species was highly frowned upon. If I did any of this back home, I would be arrested.”

“Sounds like a terrible place.” You don’t know the half of it. “It’s a good thing you made it here, then. I know you got some hot lovin’ from that dragon at the party. I’m sure a stud like you doesn’t sleep alone often.”

I grinned. “I don’t sleep. At least, not in spring and summer. I can keep going all night, if you know what I mean.” Unless I get nearly murdered, of course.

“You sure didn’t take your time out there.” By her tone, I knew she was joking, but that still twinged.

“I’ve already had my fun today, and I figured you’d want to get back to the party. I made sure we both had a nice release; nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“I, for one, prefer long nights of passion. But that don’t mean I object to little quickies every now and then.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Damn shame I can’t find you after the reception; I’m going to be busy getting trashed with a queen.”

“…trashed?”

“Drunk. I’ll be drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I gotta drive the pain of the knighting ceremony out somehow. I’m hoping I’ll do something stupid enough to be the knight with the shortest—and most shameful—record in Equestrian history.”

“I can drink to that. Where is the rest of this stuff, anyway?”

I looked around. There appeared to be no more alcohol left. “The rest of it is sitting in a single barrel in my room, saved for my after-party. Other than that single barrel, I probably have about another barrel’s worth stashed back home. Until you start making more, that’s all of the booze on this entire planet.”

“Shame you’re saving what you got, then. I’ll send a few barrels of the stuff your way whenever I start making it. I know I certainly feel funny, and everything looks weird, too.”

“That’s because you haven’t put your glasses back on. You’ve been flashing your pretty eyes ever since we had that conversation.” Her face nearly matched her eyes when I said that, and her glasses quickly fell back down from their perch on her horn. “Meh, our loss. By the way, you don’t mind if I do wrap my wing around you, do you? The asshole barkeep won’t let me keep them on the bar and they don’t bend well enough to keep them around myself.”

She waved a hoof and found herself enveloped by a large wing; it was nice, being able to put it on something solid. The other one was just sort of hanging there.

“So where do you see yourself ending up tonight, Nav?” she asked me.

“If you’re asking if I’m interested in a prolonged night of passion, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I would love it, but there are enough mares in the palace clamoring for me right now. Or did you have something else in mind?”

“I did, actually. I know a place where a real party is going on. This is fun and all, but it’s kinda tame compared to what I’m used to, even with the alcohol. It’s probably already in progress, but these kinds of parties are best to just walk into anyway.”

“Will they let me in? I’ve seen some of the looks I inspire from these asshole Canterlot snobs.”

“I’m not gonna lie, Nav: A lot of them have seen you and totally want to jump your bones. Both the mares and the stallions. It’s not an obsession or anything, but these are the party ponies of Canterlot, not the stuck up snobs, and you are definitely exotic. I’m actually here because I heard a few whispers you’d be here. None of them will try anything if you don’t want it, but I’d know they’ll all love you there.”

“You’re sure none of them will try anything? I’ve been the unwilling recipient of some very painful stuff in the past, and I do not enjoy it.”

“I’m certain. You’re in Canterlot, not Appaloosa. Ponies here are more circumspect. You’ll be fine. And if anypony starts making trouble, well, I can see a bunch of weapons on you just by looking at you and I’m sure you have more hidden. I bet you can take care of yourself before the bouncers can even get through the partiers.”

“True enough. Now, this next question is going to sound odd and if I piss you off, I’m sorry. But have you ever broken in a virgin?”

She giggled. “I have. But I’m not taking the groom; even I have some standards.”

“Nah, the groom ain’t the one on my mind. If I got him laid tonight, he’d be pissed at me. I’m talking about the dragon over there.”

“Hm… He’s cute, I’ll give you that. But… it’s an odd request. Tell you what: You come with me and get him to come along and I’ll think about it—if he wants it, of course. It won’t be like what you and I did, though. And he better not be clingy.”

I waved that away. “I’ll take care of it. Yo Spike!” He looked up and I waved him over. “Bro, you think this party still needs the three of us? I’ve heard word of a kickass party going on elsewhere around now, and you and I are invited.”

“I dunno, Nav. I’m supposed to be the one running the bachelor party. I’m not certain I should just up and leave…”

“Trust me Spike. Right now, they don’t need anyone running it. Most of these guys are so straight-laced and shit-faced they’ll be out like a light in a few minutes with as much of this stuff as they all drank. The only thing they’ll be needing soon is a bed and some water. Just find a place for Shining Armor to stay, because if he ends up anywhere near Cadance tonight, bad things are gonna happen—and all the fallback is gonna hit me. You got a minute to decide.”

He looked around him for a moment before turning back to me. “I’ll need a few minutes to make arrangements. I gotta find a place for SA to stay tonight.”

“No mares. Send him home with a bachelor.”

“He could come with us,” Scratch said. “Not certain any of these ponies would notice him missing.”

“No, I’ve seen that episode.” They both looked confused at that. “We’re sending him home before we fuck up. Trust me.”

They both shrugged. “Don’t leave without me, Nav,” Spike said. He darted back to the group, wobbling slightly.

“You sure about this, Nav?”

“He’s about as tall as some ponies now. I think it’s about time. I have no idea how old he is in dragon years, but I think it’ll do him some good.”

“If you’re sure. Where we’re going, getting laid won’t be a problem. If I don’t decide to do it, I don’t think you’ll have a problem.”

As it turned out, if I had known how right she was about that, I would have pulled Spike kicking and screaming from the bachelor party and booked it straight to the party we were about to go to.

Coincidentally, those are the last clear memories I have of that night. I still have hazy recollections of Vinyl getting handed a few drinks by the bartender and passing the drinks straight to me and Spike. I know they weren’t drugged on the way to us, because we both downed them as soon as we got them. I figured, you know, the bartender of the party Vinyl took us to wouldn’t do anything to us.

Most of my other memories that night are dancing—which I don’t do at parties like that—and laughing. I don’t remember any of the fun parts.

 

I woke up in a giant pile of sleeping ponies. There were both mares and stallions.

My entire body ached. My entire body was sticky. I didn’t have any clothes, but I did have all of my weapons and all of my ammo. I don’t know how they got my pants off while leaving my weapon belt on and I don’t know why. I found my clothes under a form I recognized as Lyra Heartstrings. I rolled her over and slipped everything on, shuddering at how they felt against my sticky skin.

Spike was in a pile of mares. I gently grabbed him and threw him over a shoulder as I tip-toed to a door that I was hoping was an exit. As I sit writing this right now, I still don’t know what exactly happened, other than I ended up drugged and that I woke up sticky and naked and sore.

When I got to the exit, I took one look back and couldn’t help a small whistle. There had to be at least thirty mares and ten stallions in that room. Whatever Spike was, I don’t think he was a virgin anymore. I adjusted his weight on my shoulder with a small chuckle and pushed the door open to the bright new day, beginning the long walk of shame back to the palace. Walk, because my wings were too sticky to fly right. While most of me was actually sticky, they appeared to be covered in something I didn’t like thinking about much.

I am very, very happy I don’t know what happened that night.

We got several odd looks on the way back to the palace. My dead eyes, bedraggled appearance, stench of shame and fluids, and the fact that I was a human and carrying a dragon did quite a bit.

Halfway to the palace, I saw a group of little old mares staring at me from a little tea place. I stopped in the middle of the street to stare back. After a moment, I walked up to them. “What?” I asked, adjusting Spike again.

One of them grinned. “You remind me of meself when I was younger. You look like you need a bit of somethin’ in ya, boy. Interested in breakfast?” The others all looked a bit shocked at that.

I looked at their table. Three old ladies, five seats. “I wouldn’t say no to a bit of tea. As long as it isn’t drugged or poisoned. I can’t stay to chat long, though; I need a shower and a serious painkiller.”

The old lady that spoke up waved to a pair of seats that were right next to each other. I slid Spike down in one of them. She pushed a teacup forward. I reached out to the teapot and poured, the pot shaking slightly in my grasp.

“I’d offer to tell you about my night, but I don’t remember a thing. Any good gossip floating around Canterlot?” I asked them.

They all grinned and tittered. One of the two that hadn’t spoken said, “We’ve heard rumors of a horrid monster falling in love with another horrid monster in the palace. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“If what you’re asking is if I’m one of those horrid monsters, I can tell you that yes, I am. The other one isn’t a monster, though. She’s just the queen of the changelings. And it isn’t so much love as it is lust. Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of a horizontal tango, is there?” I picked up the tea and sipped as the old ladies cackled.

“Ain’t never heard it called that before!” one of them said. “There’s also talk of that sexy princeling getting hurt. From what I’ve heard, he ain’t so sexy anymore.”

I waved a hand. “He got poisoned. Last I heard, he wasn’t doing so good, and his coat had lost much of its shine. I don’t think he’ll ever look the same, with what the poison did to him. No great loss; that guy was a dick.”

“Bet he had a nice one of them, too,” one of the old ladies muttered into her cup, causing me to smile and the other two to burst out laughing again.

“Word is the pretty pink princess had her wedding ruined by that same horrid monster. The other horrid monster apparently helped save her life.”

“That’s partially true. The changeling queen did ruin the wedding, but it got postponed until… shit, what’s today?” I shrugged when they told me. “Wedding’s tomorrow. I saved Celestia’s hide, not Cadance’s.” I snorted. “Fuck Cadance, that bitch is crazy. Celestia’s pretty awesome, though.”

They all smiled knowingly. One of them whispered, “She’s in heat, too.” They all giggled. I wonder how that got around. Maybe all the ponies just know or something.

I drained half of the rest of the cup. “Anything else?”

“There was a large shadow on the shield a few days ago,” one of them said. “No pony seems to know what it was, but everypony was afraid.”

“Oh. Don’t worry about that; it’s been taken care of. We sent the changelings packing when we captured their queen.”

“You captured her—or she captured you?” one of them muttered.

I grinned and finished off the cup. “Thanks for the conversation and the tea, ladies. I need to get back to the palace.” They all nodded and said farewells. I slung Spike back over my shoulder and made it to the palace with no further interruptions.

I couldn’t actually make it to my room without catching the eye of absolutely everyone I passed, though. I really should have thought that through before I walked in looking—and smelling—like I probably did. Ponies have much stronger noses than I do. I expected word to be around the palace in minutes that I walked in smelling like a bordello.

Meh.

I was worried more about Spike than me, honestly. If it got back to Rarity that he had been involved in something like that, it would probably kill his nonexistent chances with her. But I’m a pretty good liar, so it shouldn’t take much to convince everyone of a less nasty version of events than what I think went down. Getting Spike to agree to tell my version would be the hard part.

Of course, we had to actually get to my room first; I was in desperate need of a shower, and he was in desperate need of a bed that didn’t have a pony anywhere near it. I was doing pretty good until… “Navarone, why do you smell like salty coins and milk?”

“Slip-n-slide accident, Cadance,” I answered, not stopping. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need a shower and Spike needs a bed.”

Unfortunately, she wasn’t alone. And they followed me. “That’s not salty coins or milk, princess!” Pinkie said. “It’s—”

“None of her business,” I broke in. “And given that I don’t remember exactly what happened last night, I’m going to go ahead and say that it was caused by a slip-n-slide accident. It isn’t a lie because I don’t know the truth.”

“Psh, that’s easy, Nav! I was at that party! You—”

“Pinkie, I really don’t want to know. When I woke up, there were stallions in the pile too.”

“Well, I do want to know,” Cadance said. “What has our depraved friend been up to, Pinkie?”

“Well, if he doesn’t want anypony to know…”

“Damn right I don’t. I also don’t want another misguided lesson on love. Right now, all I want is a painkiller and a shower.”

“You do know you missed the practice wedding, right? You and Spike were both supposed to be there!”

“Cadance, I broke into a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean, freed the slaves on it, and took the ship over. I’m sure I can figure out a fucking wedding. And Spike’s already been there, once for the practice and once for the almost real thing.”

They both scoffed. “Nav, fighting is nothing like a wedding! Do you know how hard planning that is?”

“I didn’t do any planning. I just went with the flow of things. Why bother making a plan if you’re just going to convince yourself it’s stupid and break off?”

“The wedding, Nav. We’ve been planning it for ages! I’ll not have you ruin it just so you can… go slip-n-sliding, whatever that is.”

“So you’re saying that planning a wedding is harder than killing and surviving on an enclosed battlefield where getting caught or seen means death?” She looked a bit less sure of herself. “Because if that’s what you’re saying, I think I’d rather swap jobs. I’ll give you the knives and let you go flying over enemy forts to open the gates to let the cavalry in.”

“Well—”

“Or getting captured by natives and being forced—”

“Navarone!” It was Pinkie, that time. I stopped talking. “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t make you feel any better. Making Cadance cry won’t take back anything that’s been done to you. Tomorrow’s her wedding. Give her that.”

I sighed. “Stay sane, Pinkie. You keep me from doing things I shouldn’t. Go, Cadance. You’re too easy of a target and I’m in no mood for this.”

Cadance huffed. “I’ll go, if you can tell me where Shining Armor is.” She blushed. “He… he wasn’t at the rehearsal either.”

I shifted Spike a bit. “Spike’s the one who knows where he is. We left the bachelor party before it was over. Spike said he was arranging someone to make sure Shining Armor stayed safe. Whenever—and wherever—he wakes up, he’s going to have a killer headache. Both him and Spike. And Pinkie: Not a word of this to Twilight, if you actually were at that party. Whatever happened stays there. Got it?” She nodded with a massive grin. “Now fuck off, both of you. I feel dirty in more ways than one.”

“What about Shining Armor?” Cadance asked.

“You’re going to have to wait for Spike to wake up. He isn’t asleep, he’s passed out. Ain’t no telling when he’ll be up. If you want, though, we can throw him in the shower first. He’ll get up, then.”

“That seems cruel, Nav,” Cadance said.

“Yeah, well, I almost just made you cry before your wedding. I’m not exactly a nice person.” She huffed again. “And there was that whole incident yesterday that should have showed I’m not nice. And several other things.”

“You sure seemed awfully nice to Chrysalis,” Pinkie said, making Cadance grin.

“That’s because most of the rest of you were being dicks to her. Someone had to pick her up.” I shrugged. “Besides, she’s more like me than most of you are.”

We walked in silence for a bit. I was still catching eyes as I walked down the halls. Cadance finally said, “Pinkie, do you feel funny? Ever since I started talking to Nav, I’ve felt myself getting warmer.”

Pinkie’s habitual smile turned a bit sly. “I could tell you the reason, but that would go against not saying what happened last night.”

Cadance looked confused for a moment before looking horrified. “EWWWW!” She galloped back the way we had come.

“So Pinkie. I want two answers from last night: Did I know I was drugged, and was it Vinyl that did the drugging?”

“Yes and no. I believe your exact words when you downed the glass were, ‘Oh shit, I just got drugged.’ Scratch was really angry about it, too.”

I looked at her. “I knew I got drugged.” She nodded, smiling. “And I stayed there anyway.” She nodded again, still smiling. “Okay, one more question. What the fuck was the drug?”

“A really strong afro… aphrodi… It made all the mares want you and it made you want all the mares.”

“That isn’t the only thing I got drugged with. If I don’t remember this much, I got hit with more than a damn aphrodisiac.” She shrugged. “Whatever. If you see Celestia approaching before I get a shower, let me know.” If my smell turned Cadance on, I wouldn’t want to know what it would do to a mare in heat.

“Nav, with the state you’re in, you wouldn’t get very far. You can barely move and if you can fly, I’m a unicorn.”

“True. We’ll wake Spike up long enough to get a name out of him so you can go find Shining Armor. When you find him, make sure he drinks a lot of water. And have a few empty buckets, because he’s probably going to throw up.” She grimaced. “And don’t bring Cadance, either.”

“I’m not stupid, Nav. I’m sending Twilight!”

“Oh God no. Send AJ and Dash. They know how to deal with someone in his state.”

She giggled. “I was just kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you guys! I know what you went through last night, before you came to the fun party. And while you were at the fun party! And after the fun party…”

“As I said, I don’t want to know anything else. Wait, actually, two more things: Was Spike drugged, and did he… you know?”

“No and yes. Rarity won’t find out from me.”

“Heheheh. Awesome. I knew I brought him with me for a reason.”

“He might not be so happy about it, though… He was really drunk, Nav.”

“Then he probably won’t remember. Let’s just hope he remembers enough to know where the hell SA is. Oh man, Pinkie, you should have seen them last night! Spike was lighting shots and Shining Armor was downing them like nobody’s business! It was amazing.”

She “Ooh’d” at that. “And he didn’t get hurt?”

“Well, probably. But he might as well live a little while he can; he’s getting married soon, after all. And Cadance is annoying as fuck, so she probably won’t let him do anything.”

“She’s not that bad, Nav. You just gotta give her a chance!”

“I was trapped in a cavern with her for days. If we had been down there for much longer, I’d have bashed her skull in while she was asleep and got my first taste of pony.”

Pinkie giggled. “Not your first taste. I think that was Rarity.”

I shrugged, bouncing Spike up a bit. “Not what I meant. But fair enough. And Spike doesn’t get to know about that either. Also, next time you read something that continually threatens you and derides you for reading it, maybe you should stop.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Oh yeah, and Rarity was looking for you too! And Twilight! And Taya. And Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and Queen Chrysalis and Fluttershy and Cadance and me and a few servant ponies.”

“Holy fuck. What did the servants want?” She shrugged. “Any idea about the rest of them?”

“I think Rarity wanted to talk to you about your armor. Taya just wanted to be around you—you really don’t spend enough time with her! I think I just wanted to say hi, but I don’t remember for sure anymore. Cadance wanted to know where Shining Armor was. I don’t know about the rest.”

“Shower first. Well, wake up Spike and then shower. I’m tired of drawing the eye of every mare—Yeah, I see you looking at me!” The random servant blushed and looked away. “I wasn’t complaining, you know.” She trotted away, giggling. “See, shit like that keeps happening. Even the stallions are looking at me funny!”

“Well, that’s what you get for—”

“Don’t want to know! I just want to shower and soak my wings and get whatever this is off me.” She giggled again. “At least we’re almost there… When’s the party for Chrysalis again?” She told me. “I’ll try to be there. With everyone clamoring for me, I might be late. You’re an awesome secretary. And I swear to God, if there’s a party behind my door, I’m firing you.” She giggled. “From a cannon.” She cracked up. “Into space.” Now she was just straight up laughing.

I turned my door handle and opened it and nothing happened. I sighed gratefully and stepped inside. She followed and kicked the door shut behind her. I set Spike on my bed and stripped my shirt off. Pinkie flinched like I slapped her when I did. After a moment, she breathed in deep and sighed happily. I looked at her in concern for a moment. She just looked around my room with half-lidded eyes.

I gulped and picked Spike back up and took him to the bathroom. Pinkie followed me, standing awfully close. I turned the water on and got it as cold as I could get it. I thrust Spike in.

The resulting roar and flames sent Pinkie tumbling from the bathroom and I lost all of the hair on my arms and my upper body. Thankfully, my head was away from the blast and it only hit me long enough to burn the hair, so I wasn’t hurt.

Spike’s eyes shot open and he grasped the hand that I was holding him with hard enough to actually bend it back as he forced himself out of the water. The kickass persona he just built was immediately ruined when he let go and fell back, holding his head and groaning. “Where are we?” he moaned.

“The palace, my room. Where’s Shining Armor?”

He groaned again, still holding his head and trying to block out the light. “I sent him home with… Some guard. Uh… Sunshine Smiles, I think.” No clue who that was.

“Pinkie, he’s with some dude named Sunshine Smiles. Now go get a team together to get him; I’ll take care of Spike.”

“Have fun!” she called in a voice that was way too loud. She dashed out of my room.

“Spike, how much of last night do you remember?”

“Can we… talk about it later? I feel terrible…”

“Fine. Here.” I picked him up out of the shower and took him to the sink. “Open up.” With a small grimace, he opened his mouth and I turned on the cool water tap. He gulped down several mouthfuls before tapping out. “Alright, go and lie down. If you feel like throwing up, use the trashcan.” He slunk out of the bathroom and into my bed. He got down and closed his eyes and started snoring.

I shrugged and dropped my britches and hopped in the shower.

There’s no telling how long I was in the shower. Washing feathers is a pain in the ass. I think it was probably nearly an hour. When I finally got out, I felt a hell of a lot better. Before, pretty much everything hurt. Now it was just my head, and that eased a bit when I took Spike’s place under the faucet. Normally I wear hangovers as a reminder that all actions have consequences, but if I passed a unicorn today, I’d get them to heal it; I wasn’t going to be dealing with all the shit I had to deal with today with a headache.

I stepped into my room and checked my drawers. As I expected, all of my missing clothes had been returned and all of Celestia’s liveries had been removed. Fucking nobles, man. Got nothing better to do than fuck with us.

I quickly got dressed and checked on Spike. He was still alive, at least, though I expected he would be out for a while yet. I grabbed my gear and went next door. With a quick knock, Doppel opened up, grabbed me, and threw me inside and onto the floor. Before I could do anything else, she jumped on me and did her best to pin me down.

“What did you do to her?!” she angrily demanded.

“You’re going to need to be a bit more specific there. I’ve done a lot of things to a lot of hers recently.” Have you ever been punched by a hoof? Let me tell you my opinion on it: Fuck. That. Shit. Which is why Doppel quickly found herself kicked into the hall, propelled with both of my legs. My crossbow was on her before she picked herself off the floor. And then I dropped the crossbow when I remembered it wasn’t loaded and grabbed a dagger and a throwing knife and dropped into a fighting stance.

She laughed when she saw me as she morphed into Kumani. I don’t think she was expecting me to rush her and use my wings to propel my knee into her face. Her jaw clicked shut with a massive crunching sound and down she went.

She was expecting to intimidate me, I suspect. But I remembered what Chrysalis said: When they transform, they still remain changelings. And the other changelings from before couldn’t do magic when they turned into Celestia, Shining Armor, and Cadance. Doppel might have gotten a bit of strength from her change, but she wouldn’t have the ability to breathe fire at me.

Thankfully, when she dropped, she turned back into a changeling. I grabbed one of her back hooves and dragged her into the room. I was kind of tempted to leave her on the bed with Spike, but that would be mean even for me. I dragged her to a couch and put her on it.

“And that’s what I do to people that punch me in the face,” I said to no one as I checked around. “Anyone here?” Nothing. “Man, now my head really hurts. Cunt.” I checked a nearby desk and pulled out a small slip of blank paper. I wrote a quick note and blew it dry. I walked over to Doppel, rolled it up, and slipped it inside one of the holes in her hooves, not so far in that it couldn’t be seen and yet deep enough that she should feel it.

was going to wait to wake up Spike after I saw Chrysalis, but she wasn’t there and I had no idea where she would be. So I went to go wake him up. Thankfully, it was a lot easier this time.

“Go tell Celestia to turn the sun down,” he groaned, rolling away from the window.

“I told you this would happen, Spike. The only way to get the pain to go away is to get up and come with me to find a unicorn. We both got shit to do today. And you really need a shower; you smell kind of like I did a few minutes ago.”

“Unicorn first, shower later…” he rasped, sitting up and looking around with bleary eyes.

“No, shower now and unicorn later. If you don’t take a shower, everyone is going to know what you did last night. And when word gets to Twilight, she’ll castrate you.”

“What did we—Oh Celestia!” He looked like he was about to be sick, so I threw the trash can in front of him. He just held his head, moaning. “So… many… mares. We were monsters last night, Nav.” He shuddered. “I think… I think a few of them were…” I kneeled down.

“Spike, I don’t want to know. I really, really, really don’t want to know. There were stallions in the pile when I woke up. Keep what happened to yourself or talk about it to Pinkie. Just never tell Twilight. In fact, just never tell anyone that isn’t Pinkie. I’m sorry if you regret it, but…” I giggled. “I bet you were having fun last night.”

He waved a claw at me, still holding his head with his other. “I don’t regret it. I just… don’t know what came over me.”

“We were drugged, Spike.”

“Well, I know you were, but I didn’t know I was!”

“If you really fucked more than one mare for any length of time, you were definitely drugged. We’ve been over the capabilities of virgins, so I know I don’t need to explain it.” I stood up and looked down on him. “Now, there’s something very important we need to do.” He looked up. I held up my fist. With a weary smile, he met it. “Welcome to the true ranks of bro-dom, Spike. For your actions last night, I award you the title of bro, first class. Wear your first hangover and sex-induced weakness with pride.” I paused. “For all of the time it takes us to find a unicorn, because I’m feeling it too. Now take a damn shower.”

He weakly jumped to his feet and wobbled a bit, then limped to the bathroom. I heard the shower start as I walked my way over to the window. It really is way too bright out there. If Celestia actually can control the damn sun, she should get her shit together. It was no brighter than usual, of course, but that’s still too bright for me. My physical body disagrees, as it loves the sun, but my mind still shuns it.

I sighed as I went over to my filthy clothes and rooted through the pockets. If my literature teacher could see these copies of Shakespeare right now, she would scream. Good thing she wasn’t there, because she’d probably nitpick the shit out of everything I was doing. I went over to the table and dropped the papers off, hoping nothing was missing.

That done, I started pulling out all of my miscellaneous weapons, checking them for damage or filth, because I really didn’t want to know what… whatever I was covered in would do to steel. They were all fine. I popped open my bolt container and gagged, throwing the entire thing away from me. Bolts slipped out and skittered around on the floor.

That… That was not a bolt. I walked over to it and pushed it with my foot. No. I don’t even know. When Spike gets out, he’s going to burn that and we’ll never speak of it again. For now, I kicked it across the floor to the wall and started picking up bolts, checking them for damage. That done, I checked the sights on the crossbow from when I dropped it earlier. They were fine.

Maintenance of an armory is hard work. Spike got out not long after I finished. He walked in with a smile on his face.

Before he could say anything, I said, “You see that thing over there by the wall?” He turned his head and nodded. “Destroy it. And I mean destroy it, don’t send it to Celestia.”

“Nav… what is that?”

“Let’s just say that it is something that a mare would use on a mare and we’ll leave it at that. I don’t want it anywhere near me.”

He giggled. “Then where did you find it?”

“My quiver. I guess I was planning on shooting it at the next queen that tries to take over.”

He just shook his head as he walked over to it. He picked it up with the tips of his claws, held it up, and turned it into ash.

“Smells terrible. Let’s go.” Out the door we went and down the hall we started. “First stop for me is Rarity, I suppose. It seems everyone wants to fucking talk to me today. If you don’t have anything planned, there’s a party tonight for Chrysalis. Pinkie’s throwing it, and it’ll probably be a hell of a lot more tame than the last few we’ve been to.” I told him when it was.

“I might be there. I don’t think I have anything to do today, but Twilight usually corrects me when I think I have time off.”

“I’m not saying you can’t come with me. You can if you want. There’s just no guarantee at what’ll happen, and you just know Rarity is going to chew us both out for missing rehearsal.”

“We did, didn’t we? Well, I went to the first rehearsal and the second rehearsal when Twilight ruined the first and I went to the actual aborted wedding, so I’m pretty sure I know what to do.”

“Hey, we weren’t the only ones not there. Apparently SA overslept too.”

“Psh. His job is easy; he just shows up and says the magic words. I have to hold a pillow at just the right time!” Spike was the ringbearer. “I heard you had a part in the wedding. What exactly are you going to do there?”

“Yesterday I got told I was going to be giving the bride away. Something about being her guardian or some shit. Seeing as how I’ve made—or help made—Cadance run away in disgust three times in the past two days, I’m not certain if I’ll still be forced to do it.”

“Only three times? Man, you must not be trying hard enough.”

“I’ve only run into her twice.”

“In that case, you’re doing really good! I didn’t even think it was possible for somepony to run from you more than once when they see you.”

“She came back with backup. The backup turned on her. It was fun.”

“You have way too much fun, Nav. We should totally trade lives one day.”

“Okay. You can take my life the next time someone tries to kill me. I’ll sort books any day over being hit with strychnine.”

“What’s strychnine?”

“Fuck if I know. Twilight made me drink that shit and it dissolved most of my organs.”

“That sounds like Twilight, alright. What did you do this time?”

I shrugged. “The usual. Stole Celestia’s crown, paraded it around, ran from Twilight, seduced her when she caught me, and got away almost scot free.”

“That’s the usual? I thought usually you were just rude!”

“Well it’s definitely not the first time I’ve seduced her!” If you count her in heat. “I was markedly more lucky this time, though.”

“How so?”

“Dude, you probably don’t want to know. Twilight’s like, your mom or something.”

“You really get around, don’t you?”

“This wasn’t by choice and it wasn’t very comfortable. Twilight was very amateurish and she took total control. Fucking love poison, man… Avoid that shit like the plague, bro.”

“I wasn’t planning on using it anyway… So you… with Twilight… while she was affected with love poison? Doesn’t that seem wrong to you?”

“Yes. It really, really does. Remember when you saw me and Twilight in the hall with her on top of me?” He nodded. “I asked her to move so I could breathe. She used magic to drag me into my room and held me there. I wasn’t about to say no because I wasn’t going to find out how dangerous magic can get to a distraught lover.”

“That’s really messed up, bro.”

“Blame Molestia.” He cracked up. “Which reminds me, I do need to see her sometime today. Should we go to her first or to Rarity first? Or to one of the rest of the long list of the people that want to see me?”

“I’d prefer the kitchens, actually… But Celestia, if she’ll heal us, sounds best.”

“Celestia, kitchens, Rarity, Fluttershy. Chrysalis and Taya will go sometime in there if we find them. Sounds like a plan.” We started off to the throne room. There wasn’t that much of a line to see her. We just stepped in the queue and waited. It didn’t take long; most people that come to see her for advice or whatever get sent away with ‘use your common sense, dipshit.’

In we went, into the lair of the terrifying Molestia. She actually did look a little flushed, and I looked around to se—Oh God. Why, Spike? In the corner were several… toys. And a mustache.

“Spike, I think now would be a good time to run away.”

“Wh—Oh Celestia.”

Ahem.” We turned our fearful gazes her way. She did not look amused. “And just what were you two doing last night?”

“I honestly have no clue,” I answered. “I was drugged.”

She went cross-eyed looking at her horn. It didn’t glow. “You have a reprieve.” Her eyes turned to Spike. “And you?”

His eyes darted to me and then back to her. “You’re okay with him getting drugged like that?” Her eyes hardened and her mouth tightened. Spike seemed to sink a little in on himself and he gulped. “I uh… I think I was drugged?” Her horn glowed.

“Holy shit, Spike. You just rose three ranks in the bro-army.” Celestia moved her glare to me and I held up my arms in a placating gesture. “Just sayin’.” To do what he did without being drugged? Damn, man.

Her eyes moved back to Spike. “And how do you think I should explain my sudden new collection of…” She looked at the corner. “I don’t even know what.” She looked back to him. “Well?”

“Uh… Wedding gifts?” I face-palmed. When I looked up, Celestia had a pensive look on her face.

Oh God. Don’t tell me she’s going to… “Very well.” Oh shit she’s really going to. “You may keep them as wedding gifts for the bride. However, they must all be signed as ‘From: Spike and Navarone.’”

“Hey, what did I do?”

“You were stupid enough to go to a… club that tended to clientele with exotic tastes and less than pleasant moralities.” Well… fair enough.

I sighed. As we turned to grab the nasty things, she said, “And don’t worry: Shining Armor has been retrieved. I heard he had to be dragged from bed and was cursing the human the entire time.”

Again, fair enough. Before we left with our disturbing gifts, I said, “I don’t suppose you could heal us?”

She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Get out.” We did.

On the way back to my room to stash the filthy objects, I said, “Well, I still think it was worth it. And we get to give Cadance a mustache and the most fucked up gifts she’ll ever get!”

“Seems like a win-win to me.”

“Do uh… Do you think we should wash them first?” I asked.

We pondered for a minute before we both said, “Nah.”

We got to my room and threw the nasty toys under the bed. He said, “You don’t think she’ll tell Twilight, do you?”

“She being Celestia or she being Cadance?”

“Either.”

“Celestia probably won’t. Cadance… might. If she knows what any of these are, that is. She probably doesn’t; she’s really innocent.”

“Wait, what are these?”

“Tell me you’re kidding.” He looked at me blankly. “Remember that thing I had you burn?”

He nodded and then his eyes opened really wide. “I sent Celestia… sex toys!” His voice squeaked there at the end.

“You sure did, boy-o. Let’s head to the kitchen. We’ll need some boxes or something to put these in. I sure am glad I’m not going to be at the reception; have fun with that.”

He gaped for a moment. “You can’t just leave me there alone! Not with… this!”

“Spike, you see that barrel?” I pointed at it for him to make sure he did. “It is currently full of booze.” I dropped my hand. “When I get done getting knighted, I am going to carry that barrel next door, pop it open, and empty it with Chrysalis. I ain’t going to another namby-pamby pony party if I don’t have to. So yeah: Have fun with that shit. Now let’s go eat.”

He muttered some dark things as we walked to the door. “Wait, you know what? Fuck that, let’s fly,” I said. I dragged him over to the window and picked him up and jumped out. It was a straight shot out my window to the kitchen, a walk which would have taken, like, ten minutes. It took us less than one to fly. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to run into Twilight or Cadance in the halls.”

“What about anypony else?”

“Meh.” In we went. If there was a system of universal justice, Cadance would have been there, with Twilight and Luna. They would have taken one look at me, grabbed me with a spell, and dragged me off to be castrated and/or married.

Thank God there’s no such thing as justice. The kitchen was bustling more than usual, though; with the wedding tomorrow, all the Apples had to prepare the food again. Spike and I grabbed some stuff and got out of dodge.

“I really need to start making the meal times. I’m tired of wandering into the kitchens and grabbing leftovers,” I said.

“Well, you don’t even eat that much,” Spike answered. “I constantly get the short end of the stick because of all the stuff Twilight makes me do.”

“Then stop helping her. I mean, you’re not exactly her slave, are you?”

He muttered some dark words that I didn’t catch before going to town on the stuff he grabbed.

“Onward to Rarity?” I asked.

He sighed, “Onward to Rarity.” We went outside and flew up to her window. I didn’t bother trying to sneak; Spike’s clawed feet don’t do wonders for silence.

I said, “I heard you were loo—”

“YOU!” she shrieked at me. Oh God my head…

“Me?” I asked, pretending to be confused. “What about me?”

She used her magic to rip Spike away from me. “You’re corrupting my sweet Spikey-wikey!” Does no one but me see how big he is? And how much more mature he is? Seriously!

“Rarity, I got drugged last night. I have no idea what happened.”

She glared at me. “Before that!”

“Before that, I was with Chrysalis.”

“After that and before the other party! You know what you did!”

“I’m afraid I don’t,” I said, crossing my arms. “Why don’t you fill me in?”

She sputtered. After a moment, she let out a very frustrated groan. “I don’t know! But Pinkie said it was something no pony would approve of, so I know it’s bad!”

I looked at Spike. He looked at me. “What do you think, Spike? Do you feel corrupted?”

He shrugged. “I’ve felt worse. I don’t know what she’s talking about, though.”

We both turned to Rarity, who was looking at Spike in confusion. He usually sides with everything she says. She quickly turned a glare back at me. “Your armor is done,” she said through grated teeth. “It’s in the barracks.”

“Cool. Spike, you coming with me or staying here?” She turned her gaze back on Spike. I didn’t look at her expression, though. I was still at the window, just looking at him.

After a moment, he said, “Let’s go, Nav.” Hard to get. Nice. He walked up to me and I grabbed him and out we went. The last thing I saw in that room was Rarity’s shocked expression.

While we were in the air, he said, “Have you ever noticed how annoying Rarity is?”

“Oh God yes. There’s a reason I take so many tweaks at her. Honestly I don’t know why she still talks to me.” That’s actually a good question for all of them. I mean, I’m kind of a dick. “Anyway, Fluttershy next.”

She wasn’t in the gardens. She wasn’t in the aviary. “Well, where the hell else would she be?” I asked, ducking out of the door of that smelly as fuck place.

“Don’t look at me,” Spike answered with a shrug. “Probably somewhere in the palace, but I don’t know where.”

“Fuck this. Let’s go get my armor. Maybe we’ll run into someone that can tell us.”

To the barracks we went.

Wait.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Where the fuck is the barracks?”

“I don’t know, dude. I’m following you.”

“Dammit. Let’s find a guard.” We did, and asked for directions. It took five minutes to get an answer from him; he was staring straight ahead without a reaction for some time. I eventually threatened to poke him in the eye and see if he would move then. He told us what we needed and glared at us until we left.

“Well Spike, I think Rarity outdid herself.”

“I gotta agree, man.”

We were in the barracks, looking at the most evil looking armor I have ever seen. “I don’t think this is her original design, though,” I commented as I took a step closer to it and ran my hand over it.

“It isn’t,” the armorer said. “That snobby white unicorn sent the plans down here, but they were awful. I went to Princess Luna herself and asked for suggestions. I built you some real armor based on her suggestions and some of the original designs from that annoying pony. The original design was much too heavy, even with magical augments, and didn’t offer that much protection at all where it was really needed.” He looked me up and down. “Even with your freaky body. This suit will actually keep you alive in battle rather than just look pretty at ceremonies.” He gave a wicked grin. “It’ll still do that too, of course. As long as it’s a ceremony for the night princess, at least; most ponies would be too squeamish to see this baby by day. It’s a shame I won’t be at the wedding; I’d love to see the reactions of those snobby bastards when they see you walk out in this.”

“You know what, so do I. Want to show me how to strap it on?”

“I thought you’d never ask. You’re going to need to remove all your weapons, though; those go on the outside of the armor.”

I started breaking my gear down, removing all of my stuff. He helped me suit up, somehow strapping me in with hooves. “Now, this armor doesn’t mean you’re invincible,” he said as he worked. “I know the princess said you were an experienced fighter, but that you had never fought in armor before. I assume you’ve fought armored troops, though.” At my nod, he continued, “And if you’re standing here, I assume you won. Your best bet in battle is still to not get hit. And with the magical supplements you’ll be getting from the princess, you should be able to move in this stuff like it was just your coat. Or… your clothes, I guess. If you do get hit, do your best to move with the blow. The armor will absorb most of the force, but I’m sure you know it can be pierced.” I nodded again. “If it does get pierced, do your best to eliminate the attacker. Don’t remove the armor or the weapon inside of you until you get to a unicorn or a field medic; I’ve heard stories—secondhand accounts, from stallions on the frontlines—of ponies coming back from battle held together only by their armor and as soon as they take it off, they just break. That doesn’t need to happen to you. Now, try to walk to your friend.”

I lifted my leg and marveled at how light the armor felt. I walked to Spike; it was harder than usual and my balance was way off, but I made it with no real problems.

“Come back over here,” he told me. I went to him. “Put this on.” He handed me a helmet. On it went. “The original design had it so you couldn’t see a thing. The princess liked the design of the helmet and said you’d love it, but a stallion can’t fight if he can’t see. You should be able to see and breathe fine with this. It’s still technically a closed-face helmet, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know my business. Now, there are just two more issues I need your approval on. First, I need your personal crest.”

“I don’t have one,” I answered with a shrug. “Can I pick anything?”

“Well, there’s a long list of things that are currently in use by solar knights. But there hasn’t been a lunar knight since buck if I know when. Say something and I’ll let you know if it’s being used.”

I looked around the room. Dragons are overused and might send the wrong message since they’re real. Weapons are overused. How about a shield? Nah, that’s retarded. I looked down. I grinned and pulled off my gauntlet. “How about a hand?”

He grinned. “That’s never been used before. Might be because there ain’t never been a whatever you are before. What color?”

“Red. As dark and evil a red as you can make it.”

“You got it. The other issue: What do you want to do with your wings? The princess said you can’t fold them against you properly, so they’d be a real liability in a large battle.”

“Can you make armor for them?”

He rubbed a hoof on his chin, thinking. “Hold on.” He went into the other room.

“Well Spike? What do you think?”

“Nav… You’re terrifying right now. It’s awesome!”

“Good. I miss having everyone cringe in fear when I walked past. Now they’ll have reason to again!”

“Okay, that’s kinda creepy…”

The armorer walked in. “Bend down a bit.” I did and fell on my face. “A bit too much, actually. But this’ll do. Hold your wings out.” I stretched them for him. “Hm. No, that won’t work. Alright, you want my professional advice? Learn to fold your buckin’ wings. There’s nothing I can do for you. Now, let’s see if you can get up.”

I pulled my wings in and bent my arms down to push. I didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

“Lesson whatever we’re on about armor use: You won’t have the full range of motion you usually do while you’re wearing all of it. For a pony, that wouldn’t matter as much. For someone like you, it will. Can you get up?”

“Gimme a minute.” I found a position in which I was able to push. I shot my wings out and gave myself as much of a lift as I could as I pushed, propelling me up. I overshot it and landed on my ass with a massive clunk.

“Lesson whatever we’re on plus one: Your balance is gonna be bucked up. Though I thought you’d already know that.” I pushed myself to my feet. “Alright, I have a suggestion for you, but you don’t have to take it if you don’t want to: Spend the day in your armor. Get used to moving in it like it is now, because it’ll help you adjust much faster when you get the enchantments. You’ll be used to your new range of motions and since you’re moving slower right now, you won’t find you can’t move a certain way until you’ve moved so quickly that you hurt yourself.”

“That seems like a good idea, actually. What can I do with my helmet, or do I need to leave it on?”

“Take it off, I’ll show you where to put it.” I did. He slid it on a hook on my belt. “A neat idea, I thought. Now, let’s start getting your weapons on you.”

It was a simple task to transfer everything from my tool belt to my armor belt. It was harder to find where to put everything. The helmet hook was on my right side, since the armorer expected me to be wearing the sword on my hip. I put the quiver on my left hip. The sword went on my back, of course. I strapped the throwing knives to myself as always, though I had to forgo the ones that go up my sleeves; I left them there, under the armor. The two knives hidden around my thighs went around my lower legs, in plain sight. The naga dagger was strapped on my belt in such a way that it hung sideways on my lower back for a quick and easy draw with my left hand. The crossbow, as always, went over my shoulder.

“Can you grab everything alright?” he asked me. I reached for my sword and was able to pull it free effortlessly. I gave it a few swings and put it away. I reached with my left hand and pulled out the dagger. I tossed it from hand to hand and slid it back. I bent down to my legs and drew each one and tested them and slid them back. I reached into my belt and drew two knives and threw them both into what looked like a dartboard, scoring fairly high and earning a small applause. I unslung my crossbow, drew a bolt, and hit dead center, popping a hole through the board and into the wooden wall. “Hey, can you leave that one there? It looks pretty cool.” I shrugged as I slung the crossbow and grabbed the knives.

“So why did you need to know my crest?” I asked as I slid the knives back into their compartments.

“Hold still. I need to put it on your pauldrons.” His horn glowed and I felt a heat in my shoulders as a red hand seemed to melt into the steel. “That what you wanted?”

“You got a mirror?”

“Does this look like a buckin’ changin’ room to you?”

I looked around and saw a lot of spare armor and a few things that looked like pony shirts. “…Yes?”

“Smartass. It’s in the other room, hold on.” He went over there and came out with a body-sized mirror. A pony’s body-sized mirror, rather. He angled it so I could see myself.

I whistled softly. “Damn. Fluttershy’s gonna piss herself when she sees me.” The closest thing to the human equivalent I could think of would be the armor from a game called Overlord. All of the images were replaced with pony symbols, aside from the hands on my shoulders. The helmet was different, as it didn’t have any of the spikes on the top, but that was pretty much it. “Yes. Yes, I think this will do nicely.”

“Good! If it ever gets dented, any blacksmith should be able to pop it out. If it gets pierced or cut, though, you’ll need to find a real blacksmith, or come back here. Just make sure that doesn’t happen by not getting hit.”

“I’ll do my damndest. If this wasn’t free, how much would it cost?”

He thought for a moment. “A few hundred bits. You could probably buy a house with the money you’d spend on it.”

“Nice. Anything else I should know?”

He went through the long and boring process of how to clean it. Spike was too interested in how I looked to pay attention through that, and I only forced myself to listen because I knew corroded armor would get me killed.

Thankfully, we got out of there fairly quickly. “So where are we going to get some boxes?” Spike asked.

“Fuck boxes. My head still hurts. I’m going back to Celestia and getting her to lighten my load and hopefully cure my damn headache.”

“Shouldn’t you wait to get used to it first?”

“Oh yeah. That. Fuck. So let’s find… Chrysalis and Taya. I’m sure one of them can heal us. Boxes will still be a problem, but I’m sure we can ask any random servant about that.” Wait. “Spike, what time is it?”

“How should I know?”

I looked up and saw the relative position of the sun. Around time for the party. “Good news: I know where they all should be. Let’s go to the party.”

“Dressed like that?”

“Hell yeah. Dude, do you know how awesome this feels?” He shrugged. “I feel like I could actually take a kick in the chest from a pony right now and not feel it. As soon as I picked myself up off the ground, that is.” We started heading that way.

He grabbed one of my wings and gave it a bit of a tug. “You aren’t invincible, remember that.”

I pulled my wing back. “If you remember anything about last night, you know what that does to me. But yeah, I know I’m not. Here’s hoping nothing goes too wrong, eh?”

“Yeah, you’re too fun to have around. And you keep me supplied in bits; that party last night was paid for by you.”

“…dick.” We were in the halls now, and I heard my footsteps clunking on the ground. Every pony we saw flinched when they saw me, and a few of the servants actually ran away, but thankfully none of them were screaming. I couldn’t help but smile, doing my best to show off my canines.

Of course, given that most of these servants also just saw—or heard about—me walk into the palace soaked in sex fluids or whatever that was, the effect was quite lessened. A few of them snickered at me as I passed, when they realized who I was. A few of the females playfully tugged my wings. Okay, whatever is causing this really needs to stop. I had my fun, this is getting old.

With all of that, I increased my pace quite a few times until Spike was nearly running to keep up. I was afraid to try to pick him up while I was wearing armor, so I had to slow down a little. We were both a bit short breathed when we got to the party that was already underway.

 

 

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