Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


82. Chapter Sixty-Eight—Substance abuse, here I come.

Now, I’ve said this before and I have a feeling I’ll say it again, so forgive me if it gets old. But this one statement seems to fit a number of the situations I find myself in and it always seems to strike true no matter what.

I hate everything.

It’s a simple three words that convey a simple message. And yet, it’s something the ponies that surround me seem unable to understand.

And that is why I found myself tied down in a chair in Pinkie’s room surrounded by all six of my ‘friends’ and my loving daughter.

I sighed yet again. “Is this all really necessary?” I asked.

“Nav, you already tried running away twice,” Applejack said, tilting her hat back.

I gave a glare at Dash, who had been the one to catch me both times. She just grinned and said, “Sorry, bro, but according to Twilight, it’s for your own good.”

“And so is this part,” Twilight said, floating a piece of cloth over to me and fixing it around my face.

Rarity sighed. “That is not how it’s done, Twilight.” She floated another piece of cloth over from the pile Pinkie had in her room for some reason. “Pinkie, be a dear?” The cloth around my face was untied and my mouth was forced open by Pinkie. The cloth Rarity was holding shot inside my mouth, muffling anything I wanted to say. Pinkie tied the other one back around my mouth to prevent me from spitting it out.

Have I mentioned how much I hate everything?

Twilight stepped forward. “Now I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here…”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not really. Any reason to torture Nav is good in my books!” There was nodding from everyone in the room but me, the joke easy for them to agree with.

“As true as that is,” Twilight continued, “there is an actual reason today. Fluttershy brought to my attention a fact that Cadance pointed out. As I’m sure any of us that have had extended conversations with Nav know, he believes—or used to believe, I suppose—that he was unable to feel love.” Again, there was general nodding. “Cadance pointed out that you can’t have friendship without love.” I hate you so much right now that it hurts, Cadance. “So I decided to get some of his friends together to make sure he knows he’ll never forget how to love!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Now, no offense to you, Twi, but was tying him up really that necessary? We all know he’da run given half a chance, but isn’t this something we could do better on a one-on-one basis?”

“Normally, I’d agree with you,” she answered. “But we all know Nav. He would have quickly noticed the pattern and started avoiding us after the second or third confrontation. This way he has no choice but to listen. It’s foolproof!”

“Yeah, but won’t this make him angry?” Dash asked. “I mean, I went and caught him twice because I thought this was going to be important, not just more lovey-dovey crap.”

I wasn’t able to talk, but I could make noise. I grunted an affirmative, nodding my head.

“See! I’m letting him go.” She tried to walk over, but Taya stepped in front of her.

“You don’t have to live with him,” Taya said. “He needs this.”

I frantically shook my head.

“I dunno…” Dash said, rubbing her chin. “It doesn’t seem to me like he does.”

“Well, it won’t hurt anypony to be sure,” Rarity commented, stepping closer to me. It won’t hurt anypony. What about a human? “Nav, don’t you remember that time you helped me with your modeling?”

I tried saying “Ugh.” To her, it apparently sounded like a no, so she went into more detail about it. She spent way too much time talking about a few of the nights where we didn’t have extra beds so we had to sleep together.

I was doing my best to zone her out, but it wasn’t working. It didn’t help that… Oh my God, she’s bursting into song. Now, I’ve said before that I liked Rarity’s singing voice, but I wasn’t happy about being sung at about how ‘I’m a good person’ and ‘I’ve had love in my heart the entire time.’

When Rarity’s song finished, the music continued. The ponies looked around, confused; someone was supposed to be singing, but none of them got the cue. Their questioning glances were answered when Doppel burst out of the closet, trying to sing about something.

Thankfully, Taya was very surprised at this and instinctively shot her with a bolt of magic, disrupting the entire song. Due to the rule of comedy, Doppel was completely uninjured, but she spat out a cloud of black smoke.

“What were you doing in my closet, silly?” Pinkie asked, poking Doppel’s newly prostrate form with a hoof.

When Doppel was able to talk again, she said, “Making sure no one was trying to hurt Nav.”

Pinkie giggled and booped her on the nose. “You don’t hurt friends, silly! You love them!” Pinkie jumped over and wrapped me in a hug to prove her point.

I tried saying, “Kill me.”

Pinkie decided to interpret it different. “Group hug, you say? That’s a GREAT idea!” She used her freaky powers to pull everyone in the room around my chair and hugged us all, with me in the middle getting squished by fluffy ponies… and Doppel’s carapace.

I think one of my hands ended up somewhere very inappropriate, and from the blush I saw on Dash’s face when Pinkie released us, I could take a guess where.

The moment of awkwardness ended when Pinkie jumped in my face and started talking about something or another that I had done with her. I have a lot of practice with ignoring Pinkie, so I was able to successfully not pay attention.

Until she started smushing her hooves against my face and trying to manipulate it in ways it wasn’t supposed to move. Normally I don’t bother fighting back when I’m in an unwinnable situation, but this time I did. I pulled back and glared at her, baring my canines as much as I could around the gag.

She giggled and bared her teeth too, making a mock dangerous face.

I snorted and went back to a bored and disinterested look. She patted me on the head with a smile and went back to the group.

Applejack stepped up. “You saved me and my sister. That’s enough for me.” I didn’t really have much interaction with Applejack. That’s pretty much all she had to say.

Doppel decided to go next. “I have no idea what’s going on, but it’s making you squirm so it has to be worth it. You saved me and the hive, so that’s got you good in my books. Ever since then you’ve been nothing but nice and useful. You already know where my loyalty lies.” Her wings fluttered and she leapt up, wrapping me in a tight hug. I felt her tongue tracing my ear and she whispered, “And if I knew how much you liked getting tied up, I would have been all over you sooner. I can taste the lust in the air.”

I shivered as she pulled away; I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, because I sure as hell don’t get off to being tied up. She winked at me before joining the small crowd around me.

That made it Dash’s turn, apparently. She rubbed the back of her neck, saying, “Hey uh, can I have some alone time with him? We got secret bro stuff to talk about.”

“Of course, Rainbow,” Twilight said. “Come on, girls.” She led the way out of Pinkie’s room, leaving me with Dash.

Who blushed when the door finally shut. “You need to be more careful with those hands, man!” She shivered, giving me bedroom eyes. “I’m going in heat soon, and that… Oooh…” She shook herself, letting her eyes go back to normal. “I can deal with it later. Now, friend stuff…” She paced back and forth in front of my chair for a few seconds. “I guess there was that time I almost got you killed and you forgave me. That was really awesome of you. And all those pranks we did… Though you always seemed to go after Rarity.” She snickered. “Remember that one time we made her think her equinequens were alive? She refused to go back into her shop until Applejack beat them all to a pulp.”

Yeah, that was a fun one. It required some inventive use of blackmailing on Sweetie Belle to make it work, too.

“So I guess what I’m saying is, if Twilight and Cadance seem to think friendship is love or something, I guess I love you or something like that.” She paused, a slow redness seeping back up her neck. “Geez, this is really awkward… I don’t know why Twilight wanted us to all do this…”

I grunted, balling a hand into a fist and nodding at it. She grinned and met it with her hoof.

“You’re alright, Nav. And if you tell anypony that I said I loved you, I’m beating you to a pulp. Now, I would let you go, but I think the others might get mad when you run away.” She walked around behind me. “I can at least undo this stupid gag, though.” She untied it and I managed to spit the damn thing in my mouth out. “How’s that?”

I worked some moisture into my mouth before responding in my ‘sexy’ voice. “I love you too, Dashie.”

She smacked me in the back of the head. “I’ll send in the next one.”

“Wait a sec.” She stopped moving. “Don’t send in Pinkie or Rarity.”

“They already had their turn, but I’ll stop them if they try.” Thankfully, she didn’t ask why. I heard the door click shut and that’s when I jumped up and waddled to the window. I had it unlocked and was trying to open it when the next one walked in.

“Nav, what’re you—Hey!” I was surrounded by a purple glow and pulled away from the window. Twilight dropped me down in front of herself and gave me a very disapproving stare.

I tried shrugging and said, “Can’t fault a guy for trying.”

She snorted. “You wanna bet?” Her horn lit up and two more pieces of cloth flew over from the pile and I was gagged again. She happily nuzzled me in the face. “There, isn’t that better? Now…” She began pacing like Dash had. “I’m sure you realize by now how much love you have in your heart. Of anypony here, I probably know you best aside from maybe Taya.” She stopped in front of me and poked me in the chest with a hoof. “You’re a good person.” I did my best to sigh exaggeratedly and roll my eyes. “It’s hardly been three weeks and I already miss you in the library. I know you’ve been through a lot and you’ve had a lot of stress recently. I… didn’t exactly treat you fairly.”

If I wasn’t gagged, I would remind her that the reason she kicked me out was because I was acting like an asshole.

“I wanted to apologize, Nav. And to… make you an offer. If you ever want to, say, relieve some tension, I’ll be there for you. I promise to keep all feelings out of it.”

So basically she was offering to fuck if I ever wanted it. So now I have a sun goddess, a griffin, a changeling maid, and a powerful unicorn all as fuck buddies.

It’s looking to be a good year.

“Now, I know dealing with lust isn’t exactly reminding you that you have love, but we all have needs.” She bit her lower lip and looked down to a certain part of my ‘needy’ body. “In fact… I can’t imagine you’re overly pleased at being tied up like this.” Her horn lit up and my zipper flew down. I grinned, liking where this was going.

A few minutes later, Twilight left, trotting happily out the door. I didn’t bother trying to escape.

Fluttershy didn’t waste much time joining me. She gasped when she saw my face. “Oh my, you’re blushing! Are you too hot?” She jumped to the window and opened it, letting some air in.

I wanted to tell her I was alright, but that gag was still there.

She turned back to me for a moment before looking down, her ears sinking. “I’m just… I don’t want you to hate me!” I lifted an eyebrow. I had no reason to hate Fluttershy. She plopped her ass down on the floor, looking extremely depressed. “I… I remember back when… when you got back from Egypt the second time… How I said you couldn’t love.” I blinked. I actually hadn’t thought about that in a long time. “I’m so sorry!” The rest of her plopped to the floor and she started crying.

That would have been a really awkward scene for someone to walk in on. Me tied to a chair and Fluttershy on the floor crying her eyes out over something she said that I didn’t even remember.

“I’m such a horrible pony!” she wailed.

I sighed, hopped up, waddled over to her, and poked her a few times with one of my feet. She squirmed away until she realized it was me. Then she looked up, tears streaming down her face. I sat back and lifted my hands, waving them in a ‘come here’ fashion before opening them like I was welcoming her. She leapt up, throwing her head into my lap with a sob.

She squirmed around for a moment before looking up to me. “Nav, why is your lap wet?” I gave her a flat stare. She shrugged and continued crying, letting her head fall back down. I rolled my eyes and did my best to get comfortable.

Around the ten minute mark, my legs started falling asleep. I finally decided to do what I should have done to begin with. I lifted a leg up and crossed it behind Fluttershy’s neck and grabbed the knife I keep in my shoe with the opposite hand. With that, I was able to slice the ropes holding that arm to the chair and then the rest of them were easy. I pulled the gag off and the wad out of my mouth. I took a moment to stretch before gently lifting Fluttershy’s head, standing just a little, and kicking the chair back. I then sat on the floor and pulled Fluttershy into a hug so she could cry over my shoulder instead of my lap.

“Fluttershy, I don’t hate you. I don’t think it’s physically possible to hate you. You are the most genuinely nice person I have ever met and I consider it a privilege to call you friend. I don’t care what you’ve said in the past. I know what you meant and I don’t hate you for it.”

The tears slowly petered out. Eventually she whispered, “I love you, Nav.”

“If what Cadance said is true, I guess I love you too. You’re a wonderful friend, Fluttershy, and don’t let anyone tell you different.”

I heard something in my head at that point and it wasn’t until now as I’m writing that I realize it was Flo face palming. When I read over that little back and forth, I realized the possible implications of what she and I said. There’s a very good chance I friendzoned Fluttershy without even realizing it. As I sit and think, she’s the only one of the ponies I know that I would even consider a real relationship with, but even then, I would only consider it if I came back from traveling.

Anyway, Fluttershy pulled away from me, looking down. “I’m… It’s Taya’s turn now, I guess.” We let each other go and she stood up, walking over to the door. I followed her out, since I could talk to Taya on the way home or at home.

When Fluttershy opened the door to the main room, I saw that the girls were around a large circular table, everyone but Doppel drinking milkshakes that corresponded to their coat colors, which I thought was a neat touch.

“What, I don’t get one?” I asked as I walked in.

Mr. Cake behind the counter answered, “If you got the bits, sure.” He was still a little bitter about catching me, Pinkie, and Gilda fucking.

“You can have mine,” Dash said, pushing back from the table. “These things are unhealthy and I need to get going anyway.”

There was a chorus of byes and things of that nature as Dash left the building. Fluttershy took her seat and with some interesting rearranging, I was situated between Taya and Twilight. “So this was really pointless,” I commented as Dash’s blueberry smoothie was passed my way.

“No,” Taya said, “it was good for you.” I rolled my eyes and did my best to clear the smoothie as quickly as possible without getting a brain freeze.

Rarity departed not long after Dash. “Nav, stop by my Boutique sometime soon. I need to talk to you,” she said before she left. I didn’t get a chance to reply before she was out the door.

When she did get out I looked over to Applejack. “I was finally able to talk to the wolves, if you still want that answer.”

“Well shoot, I’m really curious now, what with them trying to maul Applebloom. What’d they say?”

I told everyone there what the wolves said about the trees, leaving the rest of the information unsaid because it wasn’t their business.

When I was finished, Twilight asked, “Can I study your wolf, Nav? I knew they had to be magical in nature, but I never imagined they would mate like that!”

“You’ll have to come by my place to do it. Apparently, they die if they get too far from the woods.”

“So you mean to say the wolves were never actually attacking the farm?” Applejack asked.

“According to them, they never did. They howled, but they never tried attacking. Granny Smith is just fucking crazy.”

“Don’t you say that about—yeah, you’re right…” Applejack paused, thinking. “Well, I won’t tell her if none of you do. Whatever else she says or does, she’s a good cook and she ain’t hurting nopony.”

We all shrugged. Granny Smith is awesome, even if she’s a nutter. I wasn’t going to tell anyone important that she was crazy.

“Anyway,” I said, “that’s what I found out. Oh, and I also found out that the trees should be going into bloom within the week. We’ll find out if the wolves were telling the truth soon enough.”

And because I swear to someone that this is a cartoon world, Applebloom slammed the door open and screamed, “The zap apple trees are blooming!”

I didn’t even comment on the timing. I just went back to drinking the smoothie.

Applejack sighed and pushed back from the table. “Time to go to work. See y’all later. And thanks for the help, Nav.” There was another chorus of byes as she walked out.

“And I’m going to go see what Rarity wanted,” I said, standing up. “Taya, stay here and continue your lessons or whatever. We can talk later.” And I heard another small chorus of byes as I walked out the door and into the bright summer day. As the wind blew by, I felt the wetness in my crotch and remembered then that Fluttershy had been crying all over me. Well, this just got awkward.

Thankfully, it isn’t a long walk to Rarity’s unhumble abode. I made it over there without anyone asking if I pissed myself. I walked on in and couldn’t help but notice a pale yellow mare with blue hair and in a horrifying outfit walking around and yelling about looking sensational or something. Rarity saw me walk in and motioned me to wait.

I shrugged and walked over to a wall, content to watch. I quickly learned the mare’s name was Sapphire Shores and I was able to tell she was a pop star or something. When she bent over to look at something, I discovered she was a blank flank. I really wanted to make a joke about brainless pop stars, but I decided against it.

Either way, Rarity sent Miss Shores away with a very sparkly outfit that resonated with gems. Somehow, she didn’t notice me standing against the wall watching her walk out. Or if she did notice, she just didn’t care.

I walked toward the middle of the shop as Rarity let out a breath she had been holding. “God, I bet she moans like a slut in bed,” I commented. “I wouldn’t mind finding out.”

“Get in line,” Rarity scoffed. “I don’t know if it would be a long wait, knowing mares like her.” She blushed and added, “But that’s rude of me. Now, you and I need to talk.”

I crossed my arms. “Is it about the rape?”

“Well… sort of.”

I turned around and walked toward the door. She leapt in front of me, blocking the door with her body.

“I said sort of!”

“Rarity, I do not want it said that I punched a lady in the face. So make your point and make it fast.”

“I’m sorry, I regret it, it was stupid, I thought it was for the best and I know now that it wasn’t and that it was in fact probably the worst possible thing I could have done.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Rarity try to talk that quickly.

“Okay. Can I go now?”

“Nav, do you remember the intervention we had about you not confronting your problems?” I very loudly popped my knuckles, making her flinch. She held her ground, though. “You can hit me if you want, but I’m not letting you leave here until you tell me about how you really feel.”

“…How I really feel?” I mused.

Flo whispered, “Don’t do it, Nav.”

I walked closer to Rarity, looming over her. She leaned back, but didn’t move a step. “I was a virgin, Rarity. Not that it meant anything to you. I was saving that for a drunken one-night stand, not a rapist.” I paused, finding the words. “Your coat is so white, so pristine… When all the little ponies look at you, they see kind and generous white Rarity, the giving mare. When I look at you, I see the stains on your coat, the sins you hide. The kind and generous ruined Rapity that doesn’t take no for an answer and gives whether the receiver wants it or not. And that is all you will ever be. That’s all I will ever see. That is how I feel, Rarity. Move.”

Much to my surprise, she wasn’t a crying wreck. Hell, she looked fucking defiant. “That's all you see, yet you help me anyway? You've done so much for me and I've done so much for you, but the only part of any of what you'll see is the one dark deed I did and regret? The one thing I’ve tried to apologize for over and over? You know I hate myself for it and you know I regret ever thinking that stupid decision and yet you refuse to let it go? I’ve heard you mention the darkness in the hearts of man, but I never thought you were serious.”

It was tempting to knock her lights out and leave, but I wanted to see where this was going. “Swap the positions, Rarity. I drugged you and Pinkie and fucked you both. What would it take to have you forgive it?”

“Knowing you were sincere in your apology! Think and say what you want of me, Navarone, but I am a generous mare. I know how to give forgiveness, if an apology is true and sincere, as mine is.”

“You are generous, yes. But as you said, there is a darkness in my heart. Humans, we specialize in remembering the bad. We’re motivated by the hate in our hearts. When I wake up, it isn’t because I’m happy to see the new day. It’s because I look at the hatred I’ve gathered and decide I’m going to spend the day in defiance of those I hate. In my experience, almost every human is the same, even if they would refuse to admit it. I could try to forgive you, but the hate that drives me would always be there.”

“Then by all means, remember it as long as you must! Let the hate flow through you, if that is what it takes. But you can forgive anyway, Navarone. You asked me if I would forgive you. I would. I would happily forgive you, if I knew you were sincere. But I would never forget, Nav. I would be wary around you for the rest of my life. By all means, remember if that’s what you need, but that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive.”

And now the voice in my head decided to kick in. “Navarone, the only reason you refuse to forgive her is because you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right. That’s what it has been the entire time. Like it or not, Rarity is your friend. I can look over your past experiences with her and tell that much. You genuinely like being around her. You’re doing this, hurting her, out of spite.”

When I agreed to take you into my head, it was with the deal you would help me. And I swear to God if you say that this is helping me, I’m cutting myself. She shut up.

I ran a hand through my hair, thinking. Rarity and Flo were both right, as much as I absolutely hated to admit it. “Rarity, have you ever heard me use the word spite?”

She blinked a few times. “No, I don’t believe I have.”

I sighed. “It all comes down to that. Humans have it and ponies do not…” I sighed, rubbing my face. I knelt down and hugged her. I hate myself for this, but… “I forgive you, marshmallow. Christ, but it hurts.”

I felt her forelegs wrap around me. “I know, Nav. It hurt me too, for so long… And it probably always will. But now, the band aid is on and it can slowly begin to heal.” It sounded like she was getting choked up. Lord knows I felt some dust in my eyes. “Shh, just let it all out.”

“Rarity, if you talk to me like a baby again, I’m turning this hug into a smackdown.”

“It won’t happen again.” She was silent for a moment before giggling. “Besides, I’d tie you in a knot.”

“I think you remember what happened the last time you tried. And don’t think about that magic shit; I’d slip my ring either on me or on you.”

“My my, is that a proposal?”

I pulled away from the hug and said in the most sincere voice I had, “Rarity, will you marry me?”

Her mouth fucking dropped.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. No, it wasn’t a proposal. It was a threat. Now don’t be silly.” I reached up and closed her mouth, pulling her back into a hug for a moment. “You really are squishy like a marshmallow.” I squeezed her a few times before letting go and standing up. “Now, I need to go. We can talk more later, if you really want. I’ll see you eventually, Rarity.” With that, I opened the door and stepped over her, walking into a day that seemed a little brighter than it had before.

I quickly realized this was because I was standing in the reflection of a window. I got out of the glare and jerked back when I saw Taya staring at me. “Aren’t you supposed to be with Twilight?” I asked.

“I told her that I have daughterly duties to take care of. She understood.”

I had a bad feeling. I walked past her on the path to the manor. She jumped to follow me. “You can start talking at me whenever you want,” I said, jamming my hands in my pockets.

She was silent for a little while, just padding along next to me. “You never wanted a daughter. You never wanted any children. Celestia knew that. And you knew that if you really put up a fight, she wouldn’t make you keep me. Why did you decide to keep me?”

I wasn’t expecting to ever be asked that question, at least not by her. “Because you had been through too much. I wasn’t going to take you away from the one comfort you found, even if that comfort was me.”

“And you never thought about how much you had been through? Or how much more you might go through because of me?”

“Oh, I did.”

“And yet you helped me anyway,” she whispered.

“I did,” I quietly confirmed, nodding. “And I don’t regret it.”

We were silent the rest of the way there.

When we got back to the house, she jumped up and hugged me. “I love you, daddy,” she whispered as she nuzzled her face into my stomach.

I knelt down and hugged her back. “I love you too, Taya.”


The naga and I got interrupted by a royal guard during the middle of a practice session. I took my helmet off and wiped my sweaty brow with a metal-clad arm. “Can I help you?” I wearily asked.

I don’t know how long he was standing there, but he probably saw me getting my shit wrecked. Thankfully, he didn’t comment on that. “The princess wants to know if you are available for a meeting, sir.”

I was grateful for the break, but I wouldn’t let the naga know that. I turned to him and said, “Can’t say no to the princess.” I looked back to the guard. “When does she want to see me?”

“I’d imagine—” Whatever he was imagining was cut off by the sound of me not being there anymore.

“That naga sure knows his business,” Celestia commented, looking me over.

I tossed the stick I was using aside. “Yeah. I assume you’re looking for some hot monkey dick?” We were in her private chambers, so I was guessing that’s why I was there.

“Something like that.” She started walking around me, letting her tail freely hit me. “What would you say to something… different?”

“Unless I know what I’m getting into first, hell no. If you explain first, we’ll see.”

“Hm…” She stopped behind me. “Have you ever heard of infantilism?”

“…You want me to treat you like a baby?”

She huskily giggled. “Not quite.”

My wings jerked. “I don’t like being manhandled, Celestia.”

“Oh, I won’t be a man. I’ll even be a human for you. It’s just… something I’ve always wanted to try.” She draped her head over one of my shoulders and I felt a hoof caress a wing. “I won’t tell anypony.”

I sighed and muttered, “Fuck me for being a fool.” I unbuckled my chest plate. “Fine. If I tell you to stop, stop.”

She giggled with glee, backing away as I continued removing armor. I saw a hellishly bright flash coming from behind me and knew she was humanized. I ran out of armor to remove, leaving me in my dingy underclothes. “Sorry for being… well, nasty,” I said, turning. As usual, her size caught me off guard. She was at least a fucking foot taller than I was, so I was getting a face full of massive bare breasts. I grinned and poked one, watching them both jiggle.

“Oh, that won’t be a problem,” she said with her own secret smile. “I think the first order of business is a nice and relaxing bath…” Her horn lit up and the room slowly got bigger.


(Sort-of sex is coming. Ctrl-f Sort-of sex is over to skip)




“Whoa whoa, what the fuck are you—” A finger on my much smaller mouth silenced me.

“Nav, babies can’t talk.” She reached down and gently picked me up out of my now overly large clothes, cradling my somewhat terrified form. “I read in one of Twilight’s letters how you react to youthification spells. And we couldn’t have as much… fun… if you were a regular baby anyway. I promise to not hurt you.” She gently rubbed one of my tiny wings, hitting all of the pleasure spots with two fingers. She grinned at my noticeable reaction. “Just relax, Nav. If I go too far, just let me know. Until then…” She walked over to a desk and picked up a pacifier.

“Oh hell no. You stick that thing in me and I’m jamming it up your ass.”

She sighed. “Can you at least pretend to get into this for me?”

I ruffled my feathers. “You owe me big time for this. And I swear to God, if you tell Luna…” Her wings sagged in relief and she lifted the pacifier to my face. I let her slip it inside my mouth.

She smiled and affectionately rubbed my hair. “That’s a good boy. Now that you can’t talk at me with that cute little voice… Well, between you and me, you’d have a hard time getting that pacifier in my rear around the plug.” I rolled my eyes as she slowly walked over to what I assumed was her bathroom area. The only good part about this so far is that my entire body got to rest against her expansive bosom. I snuggled in further, since it had been so long since I got to play with their wonderful squishiness.

We got to Celestia’s washroom and I saw how huge it was. And that wasn’t just because I was small, either; that place was about as big as my bedroom, with a tub about as big as my bed. Apparently she was expecting me to say yes, because there was already a bath laid out. She slowly eased herself into the water, holding me steadily above it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if normally the water would be about at my neck if I sat down. That would be over my head right now, so I was in no hurry to leave her arms. The water was barely lukewarm, oddly.

“There, there,” Celestia whispered, cupping some water in one of her hands and pouring it over me. She began to vocalize a song I had heard a good number of times since I got here from several different sources.

When she got me good and wet, she started gently rubbing me with a washcloth. She paid special attention to my nonexistent tummy. “Looks like somepony might be hungry,” she quietly said. “I’ll feed you later, honey.” She better not try feeding me fucking baby food. I’ll throw that shit in her face.

She let the washcloth sink into the water and soaped up her hand. “I need to be extra careful here,” she whispered, cradling my manhood in her silky-smooth hands. Or maybe it was babyhood, now, though it didn’t stay soft and baby-like long. Unfortunately, she didn’t spend nearly enough time on that part of me. She chortled at the expression she apparently saw on my face, but didn’t comment. Her soapy hand continued down my legs to my feet. I felt myself flinch as she passed over my soles. She noticed that and did a few times. “What’s this?” She smiled deeply. “Is somepony ticklish?”

Oh fuck me… Thankfully, she decided not to abuse it and instead continued running her soapy hand all over my body. I didn’t mind much of what she did to the front of me. When she flipped me over, though…

I will never live down the indignation of having her finger slipping between my crack, or her giggles when she saw my wings shoot straight back in surprise. “Oh? Does somepony like it when I rub that spot?” she asked. I felt her hand start rubbing more until I kicked her right in the nipple and pushed myself out of her arms.

She caught me right as I hit the water. “Well, isn’t somepony grumpy?” She turned me back over and saw my glare. “Fiiiine.” She turned me again and continued washing my back. “Since you’ve been so patient, you get a reward!” She draped my body over one of her breasts so my back was facing out. She then used both hands to lather up my wings, using some special kind of shampoo. I was panting by the time she decided to stop, close to the edge. I think she could hear my grunt of dissatisfaction.

She grabbed me under my arms and held me up so she could look me in the eye. “Good little boys get rewards. Bad little boys get spankings. I can’t hurt my little baby, but I can remind him who’s boss.”

Fine. Play by the rules, I get to cum. Start messing up her little wonderland, bad things happen. I gave a small nod to show that I understand.

She grinned and whispered, “Good boy,” before bringing me in and kissing my forehead. “Now let’s rinse you off and get you dressed.”

Wait, what?

She went back to cradling me and scooped up more water, slowly rinsing the soap off. Again, special attention was given to my wings, just enough to really get me close before she backed off. I fluttered them, trying to get more attention.

“Aww, how cute!” I was starting to get pissed off.

Next thing I knew, I was lifted way up into the air as Celestia stood, letting water cascade off her wonderfully sexy body. I just wish I had a better view; being cradled against her chest did have a bad side. I felt a soft towel start to brush me down as she gently dried me off. Thankfully, she didn’t try to discreetly pleasure me this time, and I was quickly dried.

Not so thankfully, she proceeded to pull out a baby outfit. I looked down on it in disdain and looked up, trying to give her my best ‘fuck off’ look.

She grinned at that. “If you don’t like this one, I have a spare…” She pulled out a little girl’s outfit. I struggled to reach the other one that was at least made for a boy, but she held me firm. “No, no. You made your interest clear.”

I pulled the pacifier out and said, “If you’re not—”

I barely saw her horn lit up as something closed my mouth. She held me up to look me in the face again. “Babies don’t talk. Nod your head if you’re willing to keep going if I give you the right outfit.”

I was tempted to do the baby equivalent of telling her to go fuck herself, but she did really seem to enjoy this. At that point, I didn’t give two fucks about her enjoying it, but I knew if she enjoyed it, I could get damn near whatever I wanted from her later—and not just sex. I nodded.

The smile on her face returned and I put the annoying pacifier back in place. If she was going to make me carry this thing all day, why not at least flavor it?

Her horn lit up and the evil outfit flew back to its dark hiding place. She set me down on a table. Her horn lit up again and… ugh, diapers floated over.

I gave her the flattest of flat stares at she gently picked up my lower half by one of my ankles and started rubbing my bottom and the sides of my legs with some kind of fluid. When she let me rest back on the table, I realized that she had used magic to push the diaper under me. She grinned as she lifted it between my legs. As the final coup de grace of embarrassment, she forced my now-soft dick down as she tightly wrapped the diaper around me.

Now just what was the point of that? Really! My stare turned into a glare as she hitched the diaper up high and tightened it.

She just said, “Gotta make sure you don’t shoot up!” Now just what the hell does that mean?

With that embarrassing thing on, she pulled up a tight onesie that had leggings that ended in socks. “There, that should keep you warm!” she merrily commented as she zipped the back up, making sure my wings fit snugly through the holes.

I really wanted to facepalm.

She picked me up and walked over to a rocking chair that had to have been specially made for this purpose; there’s no way a horse the size of Celestia could fit in that thing. Jesus, how much planning and time did she put into this? Doesn’t she have a country to run?

She plopped her plot down and just cradled me for a minute, vocalizing again. I spent that minute rubbing one of her nipples, hoping that if I could get her in the mood, she’d be willing to finish me off.

It didn’t work. She lifted me a little and finally pulled out the pacifier. “Dinner time!” she sang. It was then that I noticed her horn was lit and probably had been for some time. She positioned my face right at her nipple.


I craned my head up to look her in the eyes to see if they were red or dilated, because this bitch had to be smoking something. I didn’t see any signs. She was just smiling at me, waiting.

I’ve done a number of weird things since I got here. Who knows? Maybe sun goddess milk tastes good. I looked back at her nipple, shrugged, put my mouth to it, and began to treat it like a pedophile in a back alley.

Nothing happened. Well no shit nothing happened, she wasn’t pregnant.

I pulled back, cocking my head at it. Celestia sighed, reached over to a table, picked up a magazine, and sat me in her lap to read it. She pointed to a specific part that told me in more details than I wanted how a stallion should relieve his wife if the baby isn’t hungry and the wife has swollen and turgid crotchtits.

I turned back and looked at Celestia. “What the fuck kind of magazine is this?” I asked.

She closed the magazine and picked me up again, putting me back to her nipple. I sighed against it, making it nice and perky, before putting my mouth around the entire areola and… ‘sucking and pulling.’ I was soon rewarded with warm and actually very tasty milk.

How? Magic, that’s how.

When I felt close to bursting, I pulled away. I could actually see myself asking to do that part again, if I thought I could get away with it. She held me up again, and I felt through the stupid outfit I was wearing that the hand that wasn’t holding me against her chest was wet. She was getting off to that. “Now wasn’t that fun?” she asked. I smiled, since babies don’t talk.

She pulled me back and put my head over her shoulder. I had time to wonder what she was doing before she started gently tapping my back. She’s trying to burp me. This’ll be interesting. A minute later, she gave up. Well, I guess it wasn’t that interesting after all.

She sat me back on her lap and continued rocking for a few moments, humming. “I’m thinking… exercise next?” She lifted me way into the air. “Flap your wings!” she said in a baby voice. I couldn’t stop myself from facepalming this time. “Come on, Navi, you can do it!” I flapped my wings for her, trying to put on that stupid smile I always seem to see babies with. After about half a minute of aimlessly doing that, she pulled me in for a small hug. She stood up like that and carried me over to the table and laid me down. She grabbed my feet and started pushing my legs or something.

I just let her do whatever. She put me through a few other exercises on the table before grinning. Her horn lit up and I felt something… twist inside of me.

Nothing happened.

I tilted my head, blinking. She furrowed her brow and poked me in the stomach. “Well that was supposed to do something. Do you feel okay?”

I figured that was my cue to talk. “I felt something twist inside me, like a small stomach cramp. What did you do?”

She turned me over and poked my ass. “Um… Nav?”

I sighed as she flipped me back over. “First, ew. Second, what the fuck? Third, ever since Twilight melted my insides, I can’t… do that. Everything gets recycled. I save a fortune on toilet paper. Fourth, fucking ew.”

She blinked a few times. “Huh.” Then she gave me a lascivious grin. “Well, I have a backup idea.” Her hands went to my wings and the molestation of a lifetime began. Right when I was about to peak, someone slammed on the door and Celestia jerked my wings in surprise. Imagine getting kicked in the dick and you’ll have a reasonable approximation of what that felt like.





(Sort-of sex is over)


“Do not move,” Celestia said in a voice that could kill gods. I don’t think I could move if I wanted to, with as much pain as that put me in. Her horn lit up like the sun as she changed back.

She slammed the door open with the fury of the goddess and I think the guard that was knocking pissed himself. I’m not joking, I actually heard water hitting the floor.


“P-p-p-princess, w-w-we have an e-e-emergency!”

She was silent. “Bring me Cadance at once. Sprint, soldier.” I had a bad feeling. The door clicked shut and Celestia walked back over. In a very consoling voice, she said, “Nav—”

“Don’t you dare leave me with her,” I said, standing up. “Don’t you dare.”

“I can’t leave you alone and I can’t turn you back. Even I have limits. I’m already exhausted from turning to a human and back to a pony. Turning you back to normal would be too much for me. But again, I can’t just leave you here alone.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I have enemies, Navarone. I will not risk having you hurt by somepony that wants to hurt me by hiding in my room. As long as you keep up the act and don’t talk, I can convince her that this was a magical mistake and that she is to consider it a state secret. She thinks you’re a baby, you get played with until I can pawn the emergency off on Luna, and then I owe you more than I ever thought I would.”

I crossed my arms. “You’re fucking right you do. I swear to… Fuck.” I waved a hand to the side of the room. “Hide my armor. Tell her Twilight fucked up and you decided to deal with it. Leave a knife somewhere I can reach it in case of emergencies.” I held up a warning finger. “And Celestia? If she tries to play dress-up with me, I’m coming for you.” I let my finger fall and looked around the room. “You can’t just leave me here on the table…” I stretched my wings, glad to finally use them. I flew over to the bed and landed in the center. “Christ but that twist hurt. Be more careful with my wings, Celestia.” When I was able to look around again, I saw that all of my armor was… somewhere, with one of my throwing knives on top of a dresser.

There was a gentler knocking at the door and I lied down. Celestia spread her wings to try to hide me from view and opened the door. “What did you need, auntie? Also… I think somepony spilled something on your floor.”

Celestia sighed. “Cadance, what I’m about to show you is a state secret. Swear you will tell or show nopony else.”

“Sure. Usually state secrets are too boring to share anyway.” She tried peeking under one of Celestia’s wings.

“That isn’t a swear.”

Cadance sighed. “Fine. I swear I won’t tell anypony.”

Celestia let her wings dropped and backed up. Cadance wasted no time barging in. Her eyes quickly darted around the room until they settled on me.

The sound she made would forever haunt my nightmares if I didn’t have Flo to guard my mind.

When she finished trying to give me a heart attack by squeeing way too adorably, she attempted to rush over to the bed but was grabbed by Celestia’s magic. “Cadance, calm down,” Celestia told her. “You’ll scare him like that.” Celestia walked over to the bed and brushed my head with one of her wings. “Twilight messed up a spell and decided it would not be safe for him anywhere in Ponyville. You know how her friends are. However, something important came up and I am needed. I am trusting you with this, Cadance. You know how valuable he is. The spell should wear off by tomorrow. I will be back as soon as I can.” Celestia walked over to the trembling form of Cadance and poked her in the chest. “Treat him as you would a more mature Skyla. Human babies are different from foals, I have found. Very different. All you need to do is watch him and make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. Now, do you have any questions?”

“Have you fed him yet?” Celestia nodded. “Can I bring Skyla by to play?”

Celestia looked back at me for a moment. I gave a tiny shake of my head. She turned back and said, “I would prefer that you didn’t. If you do, try to keep them apart. As I said, human babies are… different.”

“Can I tell Shiny or Luna?”

“Absolutely not. You are not to leave my quarters with him for any reason other than the castle being on fire.”

“So why is this a state secret, anyway? So Twilight messed up a youngifying spell, big deal. You remember the time she changed the gender of half the palace?” Now that’s a story I’ll be asking Spike about.

“Because this is Navarone we’re talking about. Trust me when I say that you have never seen him angry. I have. There were no survivors. One of his biggest buttons is being seen as weak in any way. If anypony points this out to him, that would likely make him as angry as hurting Taya.” Now that’s not tru—Yeah, I can’t deny it. “Besides, you know he has enemies.” I don’t think I have any enemies anywhere near here that would be willing to actually hurt me, but whatever.

“…Can he talk?”

“He’s a baby, Cadance. Don’t be silly.” Notice how she avoided lying. “Now I wish I could keep answering questions, but I really must find out what was so important.” She dropped Cadance to the floor. “Be. Careful.” With that last warning, she left.

Leaving me alone.

With Cadance.

Who turned on me as soon as the door clicked shut with a shark’s grin. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

I wish I knew how to cry like a baby.

I think she saw the fear on my face anyway, because she immediately calmed down. “Sh, sh, it’s okay…” She reached her head out to nuzzle me in the chest. I got a funny idea.

As soon as her nose hit me, I wrapped my arms and legs around her face, holding on tightly. She pulled up and I held on, letting her carry me. I think I felt her grin and that’s when I decided on the basic game plan.

could hate every minute of this. I could just stare at Cadance like Taya did for way too long and make it boring and annoying for both of us. Or I could say fuck it and have as much fun as I could while she didn’t know it was the actual me. She has fun, I have fun, and best of all she doesn’t know I was fully aware of what was going on.

“That’s my face, silly!” I felt her hooves go to my underarms and attempt to tickle me off her. Now, hooves aren’t good for tickling, but I was in full-on ‘fuck it’ mode here and giggled, squirming and letting go. “Aww, Celestia is just a big grumpy-whumps. I think this’ll be a lot of fun!” She hopped up on the bed, holding me up. “Say, you don’t mind if we go for a quick trip to get you a friend, do you?” I just continued smiling. I didn’t really want to mess around with a baby alicorn, but I figured I could stay out of her way and she could stay out of mine. “Let’s see…” She looked around the room before settling on the bed. “Duh!”

She gently set me down and used the large blanket to wrap me up. “Now you be still in there!” She left as much of my face uncovered as possible, and I definitely couldn’t move even if I wanted to. She picked the blanket up with her mouth and with a soft pop, we teleported. She gently set me on the floor and whispered, “Shhh,” before backing away. “Sorry to burst in like this, but I got a bit of free time.” I had no clue who she was talking to. “Can you load some toys in this bag while I get her ready to move?”

“Of course, Princess,” some random female voice answered.

A minute or two later, Cadance said, “Thank you. You’re welcome to have the rest of the day off.”

“Thank you, Princess. I might go down to Ponyville and visit that human. I met him the last time he was in the palace and he seemed… nice.” Now I knew where I recognized that voice from. It was the mare I molested in exchange for silence.

“He’s out of town; you’d just be wasting your time.” With that, Cadance came back over to me, picked the blanket up again, and back we went to Celestia’s room. She walked over to the bed and unwrapped me again before using magic to pull her nastily pink spawn off a little holster on her back. “Nav, this is Skyla. Skyla, this is Nav. Now you two play nice while I set up a little play area.”

I looked over at Skyla. She looked at me. I held up a fist. She gave a mostly toothless grin and blew a spit bubble.

Charming. I removed my fist and nodded at her. There goes the hope that babies here are secretly smart. Or maybe this one is just retarded.

Cadance came back over and interrupted my musings and Skyla’s… whatever she was doing. “There we go.” She picked Skyla up and set her on the floor before holding a hoof in front of me. I grinned and wrapped my arms around it and laughed as she lifted me up and over her, slowly setting me down on the floor. I think she was surprised when she realized I was able to actually stand. “Wow, she wasn’t wrong about you being different! Already able to stand!” She shrugged. “Must be easier with two legs.” Fuck you’re stupid.

She put her attention back on Skyla as I walked over to the play area she apparently set up for us. I studied the area quickly before deciding my best bet for fucking with Cadance while not blowing my cover was with the lettered blocks. By the time Skyla had been herded our way, I managed to spell out REDRUM.

Cadance looked over and grinned until she noticed what it actually spelled. “Huh. That’s…” Then the realization actually hit her and the smile faltered. “Well that’s creepy.” I grinned up at her, pretending to be proud. She tousled my hair with a wing while using magic to surreptitiously rearrange the blocks.

I turned back and scratched my head, acting confused. The blocks now spelled HAPPY! Eventually I shrugged and started building. It wasn’t until I had a city block that I realized just how many fucking blocks she had managed to fit into the bag. I looked over at my work with the biggest ‘what the fuck’ look I had, genuinely confused. How on earth? Well, I guess it helps that I’m not on Earth. Or at least, not my earth.

That’s when I realized Cadance was constantly summoning blocks with magic or something, just to see what I would do. I was tempted to start juggling them, but my muscle mass decreased with my size loss and not even the magic whatever that usually sustains my stamina would help me with something like that. Also, it would probably blow my cover.

So instead, I turned into Godzilla. It was surprisingly fun, and the feral grin I had on my face likely terrified Cadance.

“She really wasn’t kidding about you being different. Or… maybe it’s just little colts? It’s been a while since I foalsat any of them. Meh.” She lifted me with magic and sat me down in front of Skyla, who was shaking a set of toy keys.

I looked around the immediate vicinity, trying to tell what kind of toys I had at my disposal. Two rattles, another set of keys, and one of those shape matching things. Why are their toys the same as ours? Fucking ponies. I grabbed the shape thing and looked over at Skyla, figuring I can at least do some good while I was stuck.

I scooted over to the pink beast and very lightly poked her in the side. She gave me a look of pure rage that lasted all of a second before the happy smile came back. Well, that was terrifying. I picked up one of the shapes and slid it into the proper slot before pushing the contraption over to her, holding up one of the shapes for her.

She slowly took it, looked at it, and then slipped it into her mouth. I gave her a disappointed look. She reached into her mouth and threw the thing dead at my head. I barely dodged to the side, but Cadance’s magic caught it right before it would have hit me. A smattering of drool leaked down and fell into my lap.

“Now you two play nice!” Cadance said, slipping the block into the correct slot.

I moved away from Skyla. I’m smart enough to learn my lesson and if she didn’t want to play nice, I wasn’t going to mess with her. I didn’t want to risk being hurt and I didn’t want to risk accidentally hurting her. I settled instead for moving over next to Cadance and climbing on top of her. Eventually I stood on top of her head, holding onto her horn and looking over my domain. I have successfully scaled Mount Cadance. Now if only I had a flag to tie to her horn. I considered for a moment stripping down and impaling the incredibly annoying diaper to it, but decided against it.

Just as I was about to sit down and get comfortable, Miss Bitchypants started bawling. Cadance reached up and grabbed me with her hooves before setting me back down on the floor. She walked over to Skyla and knelt down. She quickly jerked back, nose scrunched. Her horn lit up and the window opened. After that, she grabbed Skyla and carried her over to the changing table. She sang a song as she changed her daughter.

And this is where things got weird. Well, weirder, which is saying something when you stop to think about it. As soon as she started singing, I heard something from the window. I turned my head over that way to see a panting pegasus silently land in the room, a unicorn on his back. The unicorn’s horn started glowing and an aura lit up each hoof on the pegasus. He sprinted to the closet with no noise, quietly opened it, and slipped inside, closing it behind them.

What the fuck? I walked over to the door and put my ear to it. “Get off me, you lazy bum!”

I heard a few grumbles. “There. Now, let’s just wait until she’s asleep.”

“What about the ugly monkey?”

“Who cares about a stupid pet? We’re here for the cute one.”

“Yeah, yeah, but if we took him, he might fetch a high price on the black market. You know how much some ponies like weird pets.”

“Ain’t nopony gonna want to pay for something that ugly. Now shush.”

…Whoever these two people were, I was going to kill them extra hard. I looked over to make sure my knife was still where Celestia left it. It definitely was. It was a throwing knife, which meant it wouldn’t get too deep, but I could catch them by surprise.

Cadance was just about done, so I walked back over to the blocks and started writing cryptic statements in 1337. 4554551N5 1N C10537. G00N5 W47CH1NG. H31P 1M 7R4PP3D 1N 4 B10CK F4C70RY.

It’s been a while since I worked with 1337, give me a break.

When I ran out of things to say, I looked around the room again. Skyla was banging two rattles together, presumably pretending my head was between them. Cadance was looking at some of what I wrote, scratching her head. “It’s like words, but…”

Before she could actually decipher it, I began climbing her front leg again. She lifted it up, grinning at me. “You want to play?” She set me back down on the floor and kneeled down in front of me. She threw her wings in front of her face. “Where’d Nav go?” She lifted the wings aside. “There you are!” I smiled as she repeated the process a few times.

Then Skyla had to go and ruin the fun again by crying. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t particularly amusing to see Cadance flexing her wings, but the smile on her face was worth it.

Cadance trotted over to her daughter and picked her up. I saw Skyla flash a smug grin my way. Oh, so that’s how it is. I have to admit, I was somewhat tempted to play her game, but then I realized I was about to try to compete with a baby for that baby’s mom’s attention. While I was an adult.

Fuck that noise. Instead, I built a bridge in front of the closet door so I would know as soon as it was opened. I noticed Cadance was crotchtit feeding Skyla and I watched that in morbid curiosity for a minute before shaking myself and going back to booby-trapping the floor and door. I jammed play-doh into the edge of the door to hopefully make opening it harder, though honestly I imagined it would just be hard to clean out.

Then I found out how semi-irresponsible Cadance was: She had a set of metal knucklebones. I guess they’re called jacks by most people. To me, they meant pain for sensitive hooves. I set them out in front of the closet door and pushed them into the carpet so that the points faced up.

I would have done more, but Cadance was starting to pay attention again and I didn’t want her to notice. I carefully walked through my minefield over to the play area. I wanted to keep playing with the blocks, but Skyla decided to make that her domain, so instead I just wandered around the room, poking my nose in Celestia’s personal business. Cadance was quick to stop me whenever I got near something that might hurt me, so I stayed away from the dresser with the knife.

I found out that Celestia actually did have some clothing. It was mostly frilly, lacy, and see-through. I had ideas for it later, and I had to rearrange my diapered self as I walked.

Very thankfully for me, it was nearing night when Celestia first teleported me, so it didn’t take that long to get dark. When Skyla started yawning, Cadance pulled me over with magic. “I know today has been really upsetting for you, Nav. I bet you’re tired.” Not really, but watching Skyla yawn was making me yawn, so it was easy to fake it. “Unfortunately, I don’t have a crib here for you. That just means you two get to sleep with me!”

At that point, I actually liked the sound of that. Cadance is soft and squishy and would make a good pillow. However, sleeping on or near her means that it would be harder to sneak away. I quickly grabbed a blanket as she started arranging Celestia’s bed around. I wrapped some blocks in it until I was hoping it weighed as much or around as much as I did and held it against myself, hoping she would let me lie down with it.

When she saw me holding the blanket and giving her a sad and tired look, she gave a small smile. “You can keep the blanket, Nav. Now come on up, both of you.” Her magic lifted us into the air and she jumped onto the bed on her back, letting her wings unfurl. Skyla went to one side and I went to the other and she wrapped us both against her. With another flash of her horn, the light clicked off.

It might be harder to escape than I thought… I remember Cadance being a pretty heavy sleeper from my time in the caves, but I also remember her saying I kept her up all night when I was fucking Kumani outside her door.

I waited until I was sure she was asleep before slipping out of her grasp, leaving the blanket full of blocks there. She murmured something, but didn’t wake up. I stretched out my wings and flew over to the dresser, grabbing the knife. With that in hand, I flew over to a tall bookcase near the closet and waited.

Almost an hour after I got into position, I heard whispering from inside the closet. “Now I’m going to cast a mute spell over both of us. I’ll kill the girl and you get ready to fly us out.”

“What about the monkey?”

“Forget the stupid monkey! Do you want to risk this getting traced back? Do you know what that cunt would do to us if she found us? It wouldn’t be pretty.”

That told me two things: One, they couldn’t make a noise. Two, I had to kill the unicorn first. I was already going to do that because I didn’t have my ring, but that just cemented it.

The door slowly opened, knocking over the blocks. It stopped when they heard the noise, and they waited for any kind of reaction. After a minute, they continued pushing the door open. The unicorn poked his head out first. I saw his mouth move, but nothing came out. He stepped into the room and right onto a pin. He jerked back, his mouth opening wide as he looked down at his hoof and the jack now impaled into it. He snarled and shook his hoof away, knocking the thing off. Then he took another step and would have howled if he wasn’t silenced. The pegasus followed him out, presumably snickering. He jumped into the air, bypassing the area as the unicorn cautiously tread over the traps I set.

Him paying attention to that meant he didn’t hear me take off from my bookshelf. I landed on his back, using both of my hands to slam the knife down into his neck, on his spine. His head jerked up, his eyes opened wide, and I saw his mouth open in a silent scream as I tried to twist the knife out. He was dead, he just didn’t know it yet. The back of his body did, since it fell to the ground when it stopped getting instructions from his brain because his spinal cord was severed.

Unfortunately, him falling like that meant my knife got trapped in bones and I couldn’t pull it out. His partner turned when he heard the guy fall. It was night out and there was a new moon so he couldn’t see me, but he did know his partner was on the floor. I let go of the knife and scurried away, hoping he wouldn’t notice me. He walked over and nudged his partner a few times with a hoof.

When he finally realized the other guy wasn’t getting up at all, he looked close to panicking. I picked that moment to fly over to his face and use both of my hands to punch his eyes while I was flying. He reared back, slamming his hooves in front of him. I tried dodging, but one of them managed to hit one of my wings, sending me spinning to the ground and onto some of the jacks. It hurt, but he was spinning around, trying to find whatever had hit him.

I rolled over to his buddy’s body and tried to shift him around so I could pull my knife out. It just would not fucking budge!

The living one noticed the dead one moving and walked over again, poking him on the back. He hit just the right spot and finally realized his friend had a knife in the neck and was very dead. His shock allowed me the perfect opportunity to jump up and bite him on the neck.

Now, if I was full sized and had all my strength, it would have ended very poorly for him. As a tiny version of me, I only had enough force to break skin and taste blood. It was enough to make him panic, though, since he was a prey animal getting bitten. He used both of his front hooves to throw me away. I slammed into his friend’s neck, where the knife was stuck.

This had the dual purpose of hurting like hell and knocking my knife loose. I managed to stand and grab the knife from where it had fallen on the carpet.

The guy was looking everywhere, his head shaking around as he backed toward the window. He was, quite literally, jumping at every shadow he saw. I spread my wings and jumped into the air, getting as close to the ceiling as I could before I gave this fucker the same treatment I gave his friend. As he fell, I whispered, “You fucked with the wrong monkey, bub. Tell that to your friend in hell.”

I hopped off his lifeless back, leaving the knife there. I padded my way over to the door, finally thankful for the shitty onesie I was in since it made my footfalls silent. I slowly turned the door handle, opening it as quietly as I could. And then I just slipped out and into Celestia’s anteroom.

I was sitting on a couch for twenty minutes before a very pissed off Celestia got back. She took one look at me and just raised her hoof to her face. She stepped inside and shut the door with magic.

“We have a problem,” I said.

“Did Cadance find out the ruse?” she quietly asked. “That would be my luck, given how this day went.”

“Worse. I killed two assassins that were trying to kill Skyla.”

She blinked, taking almost a full minute to process that. Then she took in my appearance and saw the blood on me. “Well. I didn’t use nearly as much magic as I was expecting to use on this emergency, so I have the spare magic to turn you back.” She picked me up with magic and undressed me; I would have done so already, but the zipper was at the perfectly wrong position and I couldn’t get it all the way down. When I was fully unclothed, her horn lit up much brighter and I turned back. “I assume she’s still asleep?”

“Yeah,” I answered as I wrapped a conveniently placed blanket around myself. “Never once woke up. Go in there, pull the bodies out, and we never tell her this happened.”

“I have a… different idea. Come.”

“Speaking of cumming…” I muttered as I followed her to the door. She swatted me with her tail, not even gracing that with an answer. She opened the door and flipped the light switch.

Cadance flinched and leaned up, bleary-eyed. As soon as she realized I wasn’t next to her, she jerked. As her eyes started searching the room, she saw the bodies. Both of her hooves went to her mouth and tears formed in her eyes.

“You were very lucky Navarone turned back when he did,” Celestia said, walking in.

I followed her in, holding the blanket up. “Last thing I fucking remember was Twilight’s horn lighting up. I swear, every spell she casts fucks up somehow. Next thing I know I’m naked and killing assassins.” I walked over to the pegasus body and pulled out my knife, wiping it off on his coat.

I don’t know if Cadance was paying attention. Tears were streaming down her face. Not long after I finished my little monologue, Skyla started crying.

I groaned. “God I hate the sound of crying babies.” I walked over to the body of the unicorn and pushed it over with my foot, seeing if he had anything on him. There was nothing but a bulging purse. I grabbed it and said, “Dibs.”

“I do not know why these two were here,” Celestia said, “but—”

“I do,” I answered. “I heard one of them say ‘kill the kid.’ Er, foal, not kid. Habit.” I walked over to the changing table and dumped the bag. At least a hundred bits, probably the advance pay. It also came with a note that I quickly scanned. “Yep, here to kill Skyla.” I held it up. Celestia’s magic pulled it over and she read it more thoroughly.

I heard someone open the front door of Celestia’s room and I got my knife ready to throw. In walked Luna. “Sister, I—Sweet moon! GUARDS!” Ten seconds later, we had two guards in there, gaping at the bodies.

Celestia turned to them. “Get a search party together. Search every room in the palace, starting with Luna’s. Detain anypony not on the palace roster. Bring Shining Armor here immediately. These two got in somehow.”

I looked over to the still-open window. “If I had to guess, it was through the window.”

Celestia nodded. “Most likely. Guards, move!” They sprinted out to do her bidding.

Luna looked over to me. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you here? And naked?”

“I wish I could tell you,” I said with a shrug. “I have no idea what the fuck happened. I woke up on the bed, found one of my throwing knives on a dresser, saw these two walk out, and dealt with them after I heard them whispering about killing Skyla. Celestia, what the hell?”

“Twilight turned you into a baby. That’s the only explanation we have time for. Luna, can you… deal with these bodies? And here’s the note they had.” She passed the note over to Luna, who read over it.

When she finished, she nodded. “I will take care of it and send tendrils out. Somepony knows something and I will find them.” Her horn lit up and the two bodies picked themselves off the floor, blood dripping from their necks. “Better anywhere than with a crying foal,” I heard her mutter as she walked out, the bodies trailing her.

I finally looked over to Cadance and saw her rocking back and forth on the bed, cradling Skyla against her furry chest. They were both crying. I walked over to the bed and threw the baby blanket and blocks out of the way before sitting down and wrapping an arm and a wing around Cadance.

“It’s alright. You’re both fine.”

Celestia quickly took a position on the other side of her, wrapping another wing around her. We did our best to comfort her, but her eyes never left the bloodstains.

I think Shining Armor probably made record time to Celestia’s room. He may not have known what happened, but the bloodstains and the terrified Cadance told him enough. I hopped up as he jumped toward the bed, letting him take my position. I decided it might be best to give them some time, so I walked out. Celestia followed me.

When she shut the door and we were alone, I poked her in the chest. “You. Owe. Me.” Each word was punctuated with another poke.

“Yes I do. More than I already did.”

I walked over to the couch I was on before, lying down. “And fuck do you have a weird fetish. What the hell was the emergency, anyway?”

“A fire in the city. It’s clear now that it was a distraction. I don’t know how many assassin teams they must have sent if one of them ended up in my room to attack Skyla. They could have—”

The door to the hall slammed open and Shining Armor walked in. Celestia and I shared a look before we both jumped to the door hiding Celestia’s room. Celestia’s magic tore it open just as a body of a changeling flew out, ramming into Celestia’s face and knocking her on her ass.

Shining Armor gasped and tried running past, but I grabbed his tail and swiped his flank with my knife. It bled red and I let him attend his wife. When he got into the other room, I checked on Celestia. She had a minor nosebleed, nothing major.

She lifted a hoof to her nose, finding the blood. “I haven’t seen my own blood in years,” she murmured.

I patted her on the equine shoulder equivalent. “Welcome to mortality, population everyone.” I held my hand out. “Now come on. You need to be seen by the palace staff.”

She somehow grabbed my hand with her nonbloody front hoof and stood. She didn’t actually pull on me or anything, since that would end with me on the floor. “Nav, I need you to stand guard on Cadance and Shining Armor.” Her horn lit up and my armor appeared from wherever it had been. With it came my sword. “Nopony gets in without their blood being checked.”

I let the blanket fall and slid on my dingy pants, glad to finally have clothes on. “Again I say: You owe me,” I told her as I started putting armor on. “And you better make sure Twilight covers for me, if Cadance or Luna asks.”

“I’m not a fool, Navarone. I’ve already sent the letter. I will also tell Cadance and Luna not to ask her about it later.”

When I got fully dressed, she left and I took up a position next to the door to the room with Cadance and Shiny. It wasn’t closed this time, so I could hear everything going on within.

I’ll not print it here.

Some time later, they came out. Shining Armor led a trembling Cadance, a sleeping Skyla secured in a saddle thing on Cadance’s back. I had covered the changeling body because I really didn’t want to look at that. Shiny stopped in front of me and pulled me down in a hug. I attempted to pull away because it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he made it quite clear that resistance was futile.

When he finally pulled back, I saw that his eyes were rimmed with red. “Thank you, Navarone. You saved the love of my life and my child again.” He forced a grin and added, “You’re making me look bad.”

I shrugged and answered, “That won’t make me stop. You just need to step up your game, Shiny. I’ll escort you two to your room and then I’m going home.”

He nodded. “I’ll lead the way. You stay near Cadance.” He pushed the hallway door open, peeking both ways. Cadance followed him when he deemed it was safe and I followed her, drawing my sword just in case. I walked next to Cadance through the halls.

“You know,” I commented, “I figured the castle would be safe against this kind of shit. I mean, sure Chrysalis fucked you guys up, but that was a queen. Three assassins shouldn’t be able to just get in here.”

“There was a fire in the city,” Shining Armor answered. “I believe now that it was set to get as many guards away from the palace as possible, since so many of them are pegasi. We’ll have more information soon, hopefully.”

“Well, if you ever find out who hired these guys, let me know. I got some murder to do.”

“Normally I don’t agree with your punishment ideas, but this time…” He looked back at Cadance and Skyla. “This time, I think you might be right.” That’s not a good sign.

I decided not to comment, though. We made it the rest of the way in silence. Shiny did another once-over on their room in case the guards that searched it before missed anything.

“Alright, if you two are set, I’m going home,” I told them, putting my sword up.

Shiny gave his wife a look before turning back to me. “I’ll try to stop by your home as soon as I can, Navarone. We need to talk about something.”

“Sure. If I’m not there, I’m probably in town. Don’t freak out about my changeling maid or my timber dog.” The way he acts, he’s hardly a wolf.

“I really want to ask questions about that, but it can wait. I will see you soon, Navarone.”

I waved before walking back down the hall, trying to find a window I could sneak out of without Luna or Celestia finding out I left.



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