Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


8. Chapter Six—Horsing Around Part 2

Day five dawned bright and early. Applebloom came by the library and asked me to come help her with something on the farm. She’s a farm girl at heart, so her ‘early in the morning’ is my ‘go-the-fuck-away-I’m-sleeping.’

But the only person in existence that can resist her puppy dog pout of cuteness is Applejack. So I grabbed my cloak with a sigh and followed her out the door, trying to blink sleep from my eyes.

“I don’t suppose we could stop for something to eat first?” I asked.

“No time!” she answered, skipping ahead and then looking back for me to catch up. I was just slowly plodding along. “Besides, there’s plenty of food at the farm.”

Yeah, apples. I’m fucking tired of apples. I just kept on trudging forward, not really paying attention to where I was going.

Thankfully, we made it to her little clubhouse without any problems. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were already there, looking about as enthusiastic as I felt.

 “Applebloom, why am I awake so early?” I finally asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“Because if we don’t get started now, we’ll never finish in time!” she answered.

“Start what and finish in time for what?” Scootaloo asked.

 Sweetie Belle looked up to me, “She didn’t tell you anything either?” I could barely shrug, feeling too tired to do much.

“Nav can’t get his cutie mark, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help us get ours!” Applebloom said, sounding way too chipper. “He can help us modify his crazy human ideas to fit his new pony body, so we can try them out ourselves!”

I knew it was too early in the morning because she was making sense. Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, “So is it possible to get a cutie mark in sleeping?”

I turned my neck around to check under my cloak, then turned back. “Nope, I’m still clean,” I said.

Applebloom huffed. “This isn’t helping! We need to get planning!”

“Okay,” I said. “Uh… Have you tried… I don’t know, fucking potion making or something?” They all went pale at that. “...Okay, maybe not. Do I even want to know?”

“Let’s… let’s not talk about that,” Applebloom said, losing some of her chipperness.

“What about writing?” My mind really wasn’t working that well yet.

They looked at each other again with a similar expression. “We uh… we tried that,” Applebloom finally said as they all turned back to me.

I shook my head. “What about you, Sweetie Belle? Can’t you do magic or something?”

She blushed slightly. “I never had any real training… And Rarity refuses to teach me.” Understandable.

“What about blacksmithing? Or wood crafting? Or anything along that nature?”

 They all perked up at that. “Blacksmithing?” Applebloom asked with a smile. “Why, we never even thought about that!” The other two started getting excited looks.

Wait… Blacksmithing uses very, very hot metal. These three fillies are prime fuckups when it comes to stuff like that. I tried saying, “On second thought, that might not be such a good idea.”

They weren’t listening. I was barely able to keep up with them as they ran into town, looking for the smithy.

You know, I had never noticed a smithy in Ponyville. It’s not that big of a place, though the size seems to fluctuate randomly for some reason no one can explain. But logic doesn’t have to work in this hellish land, so they found a smithy where the day before I’m pretty sure there was a post office.

It ended… poorly. Not bad enough so that that someone got hurt, but it was… bad.

So were my next several suggestions.

And there were no cutie marks, of course.

Pinkie Pie found us while we were heading back to the clubhouse thing. We all looked dispirited, them from failure and me from being tired. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You should be smiling! Just think, Nav! You’re finally normal!”

Oh yeah, that makes me feel great. “I’m tired, Pinkie,” I answered, trying to be nice. “Applebloom woke me up early to help them. It isn’t going well.”

She got an expression on her face that I have long since come to dread: “I have an idea!” she shouted, drawing the gaze of several nearby ponies. They shifted their gaze awkwardly when they realized it was Pinkie, wanting to avoid getting involved. She grabbed the girls and took them a little ways from me, whispering to them in excited tones. I saw them looking back at me every now and then.

I had a bad feeling.

When they finally broke up, the three girls broke off and ran ahead. Pinkie Pie fell into step beside me. I saw a chance and I tried to lunge at it, “Well, if you want to take over for me, I’ll happily go on home.”

She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as scarily innocent. “Nonsense, Nav! I’m sure between the two of us we can think of a few more things to help them with!”

“My brain is pretty fried right now, Pinkie. I’m barely able to lift one foot in front of the other. I don’t even know if that phrase works, now that I’m a pony…”

“Oh come on, I know it isn’t that bad! I really like being a pony! I mean, I’ve never tried being anything else, but if I did I’m sure I would prefer being a pony.”

“And I’d prefer to be a human. And soon, I will be, thank God.”

“You mean, thank Celestia?” she asked, looking at me funny.

I thought for a second. “Her too, I guess,” I finally said. “Or maybe Luna. So what did you tell the girls?”

“Oh, they’re planning a surprise for you,” she answered. I really didn’t like the sound of that. But… it’s Pinkie Pie. She would never hurt anyone.

That said, you’d be surprised what you can live through. Or what you’d want to live through.

She kept up some inane chatter on the way down to the farm. We were about a quarter of the way there—all the way out of town—when I found myself hanging in the air. “What the fuck?” I asked, too surprised to be scared. I was in a net, I saw, hanging upside down.

The three girls jumped out of a nearby bush. “We got him!” they shouted. They then checked their flanks to find nothing.

“Well, maybe next time, girls,” Pinkie said, ruffling each of their manes. “Now you go ahead and run along. Nav is really tired and needs some rest.”

“Shouldn’t we let him down?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yes, I think you should,” I answered.

“I’ll take care of it, girls,” Pinkie Pie answered. “No reason to waste time when you could be Crusading!”

They shrugged and ran off, discussing their next plot.

“So…” I said, balled up in an uncomfortable position.

Pinkie Pie made sure they were out of earshot before saying, “Now we’re gonna go have some fun!” she said with a happy tone. She started looking for the release on the net. “There we go!” I hit the ground with a painful thud. The net stayed closed around me, preventing any manner of escape.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to move very much until you let me go, Pinkie,” I said.

“I’ll let you out when we get where we’re going, Nav. I don’t suppose you could close your eyes? It’ll make your surprise so much more surprising!” She grabbed the rope at the top of the net and started dragging me back to town.

“I’m pretty sure all the ponies are going to question you dragging me back in a net, Pinkie,” I said.

She spit the rope out to say, “Well, how else am I gonna make sure you don’t run away? Don’t you worry about them, Nav. They’ll just think we’re playing a game!” She picked the rope up again and continued dragging.

“Did you ever think about just asking me to come with you? If it got me away from the girls, I would have said yes,” I finally said.

She spit the rope out again. “Less questions, more not-talking,” she answered, grabbing the rope again. I sighed and shut up so we could get wherever we were going faster.

As it turned out, our destination was Sugarcube Corner. She dragged me in the back door, presumably hoping the Cakes—who owned the place—wouldn’t notice me. Her hope didn’t work out. “Pinkie, what are you doing?” Mrs. Cake asked from where she was cooking in the kitchen.

“Playing a game!” she answered, dropping the rope again.

“...What kind of game requires a net? And isn’t that one of Twilight’s friends from Canterlot?”

“Fox and the hare, of course! He ran really far, but I finally caught him and now I get my prize! And everypony is my friend, especially if they’re a friend of a friend! Isn’t that right?” she asked me.

“...Sure. But what do you mean by pri—”

“Now come on,” she grunted, bending down for the rope again.

“Well, whatever you two do, try to keep it down,” Mrs. Cake said, turning back to her cooking.

“Don’t you worry!” Pinkie mumbled around the rope. “But I’ll be back to use the kitchen soon.”

“Just make sure to clean up after yourself,” Mrs. Cake replied, not even looking up.

Sometimes I think Pinkie could get away with a coup just because no one would question her until Celestia and Luna both disappeared and she said she ruled now.

“Nav, you need to go on a diet,” Pinkie panted when we got to the top of the steps. Since she fucking dragged me up the stairs, I wasn’t feeling too hot either.

“You could have just let me out of the net! It’s not like I’d go anywhere.”

“No! We’re almost there!” That said, she grabbed the rope with her teeth again and started pulling me to her room.

“This is getting fucking ridiculous,” I said. She didn’t answer. “I mean, I know you’re weird. I get that. But now half of me is covered in dirt and bruises and grass. My cloak is all filthy. You dragged me up the stairs. What the hell, Pinkie?”

“It’s all gonna be worth it!” she mumbled around the rope.

“Unless it ends with us cuddling after a long night of fun, I doubt it.”

“That’s the idea!” she replied.

“...Wait, what?” She gently kicked her door open and walked us in. I immediately noticed that Ponyville’s basic background smell as a pony was a lot stronger in her room. Jesus, maybe Pinkie is the source of whatever that dank stench is.

“We’re gonna have a sleepover!” she happily replied, dropping the rope and walking over to me. “Now just hold still for a moment…” She did something to the net, releasing it and finally letting me struggle to my feet. “Are you gonna play nice or am I gonna have to get the ropes?”

“...Play nice?” Honestly, I was a little worried about what troubles the other answer might bring.

“Whee! Now you go take a shower, Navi. I’ll go make us some snacks and then we can start playing!”

Before I could ask where the shower was, she bolted out of the room. “That mare has fucking problems.” It didn’t take me long to find her bathroom, at least. Since ponies have a single thing over humans (all their showers are the exact same so you never have to figure out how new ones work), I got clean very quickly. Being able to use my wings as shitty versions of arms was nice.

When I got out, Pinkie was sitting in her room, staring at the bathroom door and smiling. I couldn’t help but flinch back at the look she was giving me. “Are you ready?” she quickly asked.

“What happens if I say no?” I hesitantly asked.

“Then I help you get ready!”

“Then I guess I’m ready, but I don’t know what I’m ready for.”

“Well, first we’re gonna eat. I heard your poor tummy growling all the way here, so I know you’re hungry.” She leapt forward and grabbed me by one of my front legs before dragging me toward one of the tables in her room, where a variety of flowers and pastries were laid out. “You said you couldn’t have much sugar as a human, but you’re not a human anymore! So I made sure to load all these up with extra sugar so you’d be able to make up for all you missed!”

“...I was hoping for actual food,” I slowly said, rubbing my stomach.

“That’s what the flowers are for,” she answered, sitting on one side.

Cooked food.”

“That’s what the pastries are for! This isn’t that hard, Nav.”

“You know what? Fuck it, I’m hungry. Thanks, Pinkie.” My hoof lowered to one of the pastries before I realized I couldn’t pick it up. “But there’s a problem. Do you care about manners?” When I looked up after asking that, I saw her smashing her face into a cupcake. After I noticed that, I saw that none of them had any kind of wrappers.

...Eating became a lot more fun after that. A lot messier, too. By the time nothing but flowers were on the table, my face was halfway covered in frosting and I felt like I needed another shower.

“You’re not gonna eat any of the flowers?” Pinkie asked, bouncing in her seat.

“I’d prefer not to,” I replied, trying to scrape some of the stuff off me with my tongue. “I never really liked the smell of lavender and that’s all you brought up…”

“Won’t you at least try one?”


She grabbed one of the things by their stalks and held it up, smiling sweetly. “Pleeeeeease?”

My shoulders sagged and I rolled my eyes before leaning in and chomping the thing in half, getting more of the flower than the stalk. It didn’t take much chewing before I identified a grape base with hints of all kinds of other stuff in there. “Not… too bad,” I finally admitted. “But the texture is just awful.”

“I guess they do kinda take some getting used to,” she replied with a shrug. “Oh, and you kinda got a little something…” She patted the side of her face.

“I know, I’m covered in frosting. I’ll just go wash it off.”

“I can get that for you!” she said before pouncing across the table at me, throwing me onto the floor and landing on top of me. The next thing I knew, the crazy bitch was licking my face clean.

It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Sure, the feeling of a tongue against my face fur felt really weird, but not that bad. Just the same, though… “What the hell, Pinkie?” I asked when she finally pulled away, licking her lips and grinning.

“I couldn’t let it all go to waste!” she replied, sitting back on me. It… felt like her tail was swishing between my legs. And did that smell get stronger? God, it’s making me light headed!

“You could have asked! Also, get off me.”

She giggled and hopped up, bouncing around the room. “You would have said no, silly!” she said as she bounced, still smiling. “This way you didn’t get to. Everypony wins!”

“...How do I win?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing at the back of my head where I slammed into the floor.

“Your face got cleaned,” she replied, stopping her bouncing and coming face to face with me. The ever-present smile on her face maintained its ‘ever’ status. “Now, are you ready for the games?”

“What kind of games?” I slowly asked, wary about spending much time with her. She seemed… extra Pinkie today.

She pulled two very different things out of nowhere. One was her toothless pet alligator named Gummy. I still haven’t figured out how she got his teeth out and I probably don’t want to know. The other was a game that made me feel immediate dread. “Twister!”

“I’m not so su—”

“Great! Gummy will control the spinner while we play.” She quickly pulled away from me and started setting the board up while I wondered just what hell I got myself into.

“You know I can’t move this body well, right?” I asked as she worked.

“I know. But I can move mine just fine! So I’m sure we can figure something out.”

My eyes rolled before I could stop them, but she wasn’t paying attention. “You know, most party games are more fun with more people.”

“Yep. Shame nopony else could make it… But that just leaves more fun for us!”

“You know, I can think of something really fun for us to do,” I said without thinking, my eyes for some reason following her flank.

“Oh, we’ll have all night for that,” she said, waving a hoof and smiling. “But now it’s twister time!”

What the hell is wrong with my brain? God damn. The smell was getting even worse, almost enough for me to want to say something, but I decided to stay polite unless it became unbearable. Though for some reason, it seemed… enticing. “If I say things like that, just ignore them,” I said, standing. “For some reason, I keep saying these things and I don’t know why.”

“Why would I ignore it?” she asked, stretching out. “It’s flattering! And funny!”

Once more, my eyes rolled. “Whatever. Just don’t get upset if I say anything like that and it offends you.”

The next thing I knew, my body was wrapped in a furry hug. “Don’t you worry, Nav!” she replied. “It’ll take more than that to make me unhappy. Now let’s start playing!” As she said that last sentence, she pulled away and looked at Gummy, who just sat there with the spinner in his hands. After a few seconds passed, he slowly blinked, his eyes not in sync. “Right front hoof red!”

“...He didn’t say anything,” I commented as she moved her hoof there.

“Sure he did. You didn’t hear him? He just said back right hoof yellow.”

“Are you… sure?” I asked.

“Yep! Now get those hooves movin’.” After a second of thought and realizing that I probably couldn’t make it to the door before she caught me, I did as she asked. “There. Now back right… orange? There isn’t an orange here!” She glared at Gummy before saying, “If you aren’t going to take this seriously, I’ll give Nav the spinner and we’ll play!” A few more seconds passed. “That’s what I thought! Back right green.” She shifted before muttering, “Orange my flank…”

I knew better than to say anything. The game continued on without anymore tomfoolery from Gummy, but I think Pinkie might have been misinterpreting his orders on purpose. At the end of the first game, I was essentially mounting her from the positions we were both in. Then ‘Gummy’ called a weird thing and my front half fell, pinning her down. When I used my wings to push myself back, she seemed rather disappointed. And oddly enough, the wings felt… very stiff after that.

The end of the second game once more put her under me, but this time she was facing the other way. So she was getting a face full of my sheathed junk while I was stuck smelling her upraised tail. For some reason, I started feeling a… reaction while in that position. A very localized reaction in an area I did not at all want one. So I threw that game, slipping on purpose to get away from her for a few seconds.

“What’s wrong?” she asked with a giggle as I very quickly made my way away from her.

“J-just… tired,” I replied, holding my legs closed in an attempt to hide a certain something. “The girls woke me up early…”

I don’t think she bought what I said for a minute, but she just said, “One more game?”

“Can we take a break instead?” I asked. “Just want to hang my head out the window for a minute or two. It’s uh… a little hot in here.”

The smile on her face turned… sly is the closest word I can think of, and she started slowly advancing. “It’s getting hot… or you’re getting hot?” she asked, her voice getting low.

That was a sign to me that things were getting out of hand. I started backing up, my ears twitching. “I… This room is sweltering,” I stammered, trying to stay away from the mare as her eyes drooped to half-lidded.

When I bumped into the wall behind me, I felt the window right there. So I swung around, accidentally swatting her face with my tail because she was so close, and pushed the unlatched window open to let some cool, fresh air in. Thank Godsome of that smell is gone… Hm, and it’s getting dark out.

My body sagged as I got a nice breath of the fresh air, some of the light-headedness escaping. “So you ready to play more games?” she happily asked.

When I looked back, she was once again across the room, all the scary smiles and looks gone. “I suppose,” I said, taking a moment to pop my neck. “Can we just… leave the window open?”

“Okay! Now the next game is pin the tail on the pony.”

“...Really?” I sighed.

“Yep! It’s so much fun! I’ll go first to show you how it’s done.”

“By all means,” I said with a nod, watching as she walked to the center of the room to put on a blindfold. When it was on, she picked up a pin with a fluffy tail attached and started spinning. After a few seconds, she stopped and stood, wobbling in place until she wasn’t dizzy anymore.

Then she started walking, not getting close to the target at all. “Am I hot or cold?” she asked around the pin.

“Frigid,” I replied. She spun toward my voice and started walking toward me. “Even colder. You’re getting close to absolute zero.” She stopped and turned some more, to face another direction. “Warmer.” She began walking in that direction, turning as she did so. “Lukewarm. Markwarm. Matthewwarm. Just about… And you’re lava. Congratulations.”

She managed to pin right next to the horse’s ass, but it was a little low. When she pulled the blindfold off, she reared up to clop her hooves before turning to me. “Your turn!”

“Do I really have to? It looks… dull,” I said, trying to put some of the distaste I felt into words.

“It’s more fun than it looks,” she replied, skipping over to me. “Now just close that window and put this on.” She handed me the blindfold and I walked to the center of the room, not closing the window. She did it for me anyway, though I would have preferred it stay open. Anyway, the blindfold went on. “And here’s the pin,” she said, pushing something in my mouth.

It felt a lot heavier than the pin she used looked, but I was also holding it with my mouth instead of a hand. When I heard her back away, I began spinning, already regretting my decision to play along. I didn’t do that many, since I didn’t want to be too dizzy since I could already barely walk. After a moment to recover, I began slowly walking forward.

“Pretty chilly,” she said. I stopped and aimed a different direction. “Hm, a little warmer. But you’re still wearing a jacket.” I kept turning, not really liking the game at all. “Start walking,” she giggled. I did, moving slowly since her room wasn’t that big and I didn’t want to slam into anything. I continued turning as I walked, though, and noticed that the smell was getting thicker and thicker as I went on. It seemed to… pull me closer, making me feel more alive. Christ, what is that?

Soon it was almost unbearable, so I stopped. “Am I close?” I mumbled around the pin.

“So hot,” she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. And… it sounded like she was right in front of me.

Right as I took another step forward, the door opened and Rarity’s voice practically yelled, “Pinkie!” The strange smell almost immediately disappeared, making my entire body sag. The pin in my mouth was ripped out and I heard Rarity gasp as she was dragged in, the door slamming shut.

I pulled the blindfold off and took a moment to notice that I was nowhere near the pony poster before turning to Pinkie. “I wasn’t anywhere near the pony thing. Why did you say I was hot?” Rarity looked completely mortified and Pinkie was wearing an embarrassed grin. “And… why did that tail thing feel really heavy?”

Rarity turned to glare at Pinkie. She opened her mouth to say something unpleasant, but Pinkie suddenly blurted, “IneedtotalktoRarity!” before grabbing me and shoving me into the bathroom. She pulled the door shut before I could say anything.

Since I was trapped in there, I took some time to run some water to try to clear my mind again. God, why do I feel so… strange? What the fuck is happening? And can I escape before Pinkie actually manages to bed me?

Since I didn’t see any signs of me getting out of the bathroom quickly, I took a moment to study the little room. There wasn’t really much to look at; it was a typical bathroom. One item of interest, however, was the calendar. There was a weeklong event on it, but all it said was ‘Season’, written in pink. It was the sixth day of it, whatever that meant.

When I used my wing to flip through some more of it, I saw a fuckton of birthdays mark and for some reason, that ‘season’ event happened once every month, though it shrank in winter and grew in spring. That gave me a small hint of what was going on, but I didn’t realize just how much trouble I was in until it was far too late…

Not long after I gave up on studying the calendar, Pinkie retrieved me from the bathroom. “Rarity decided to play with us!” she said with a smile. For some reason, she was now wearing a bright pink rose over her ear, all the thorns picked from its stem.

“Ah… yes!” Rarity said. She also had a rose, a white one. “A nice chunk of time opened in my schedule and I believe I have time for a few… games.”

Thank God. Someone as a buffer from Pinkie. “So what’s next?” I asked, rolling my shoulders.

“Truth or dare!” Pinkie happily announced. Oh fuck me. From the grin on her face, I had a feeling that thought might be coming true. “Since there’s only three of us, it’ll be truth or dare, spin the bottle edition! Whoever it lands on gets truth or dare’d. If it lands on the spinner, he or she gets a dare from the other two.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Rarity said. “Who spins first?”

“Since you’re the new guest, you get to go first,” Pinkie said, pulling a bottle out of a place I don’t want to think about. She set it on the floor and we crowded around it, though lord knows I wish I didn’t have to.

Rarity reached a hoof out and span the thing. It landed on Pinkie. “Dare!” the party mare said before Rarity could even ask.

“Hmm… I dare you to hug Princess Celestia the next time you see her,” Rarity said with a smile.

“Okay! She always looked like she needed one anyway. My turn.” She spun the bottle and it soon pointed right at me. “Truth or dare, Nav.”


“How do you like being a pony?” she immediately asked.

“Hating almost every minute of it,” I replied with a shrug. I reached for the bottle, but she slapped my hoof down.

“Tell the truth!”

“I did,” I said, rubbing the hoof for some reason. “I don’t like being like this. This entire shape is just… bad for me. And that smell is starting to worm its way into my mind.” This time, I spun the bottle before she could slap me away. It landed on Pinkie.

“Dare!” she said again.

“Uh… I don’t know, I dare you to kiss Gummy.” She seemed to get really excited about the kissing part until I said Gummy. Then her body sagged and she snatched the alligator up to give him a rather lackluster kiss.

Then she spun the bottle and it landed on Rarity, who smiled and said, “Dare,” with a shrug.

“I dare you to kiss Nav!” Pinkie happily said.

“What?” I asked, my eyes going wide.

“You heard her,” Rarity said, grabbing my head with both of her hooves and pulling me in for a quick, relatively painless kiss. Thankfully, she didn’t make it a frenchy. “That wasn’t too painful, I trust,” she said when she pulled away. I just sighed as she spun the bottle. It landed on me.

“Truth,” I said again.

“Are you just going to say truth all night?” Rarity asked in a disapproving tone.

“That’s the plan,” I replied with a smile, reaching for the bottle. It landed on me. Oh God dammit.

They both smirked. Rarity said, “The two of us prepared a small present for you, Nav,” she said, pulling the rose down from her ear. “So our dare is simple. Smell these roses.” Pinkie pulled hers down as well and they both shoved them up to me.

Oh thank you… “Easy,” I said with a smile, leaning in to sniff them. The smell was… strong. Ridiculously strong. Each of them smelled of that horrible… wonderful musk that had been haunting me since I got to Ponyville. And as I got a fully concentrated dose of it, a single thought resounded in my mind.

A want… A need… for mares. Specifically, the two in front of me.

“Well?” Rarity asked, a coy smile on her face. By way of answer, I snatched the two roses in my mouth, chewing them and letting my eyes close at the glorious feel of lust that washed over me. “Oh my…”

As soon as Pinkie saw the look in my eyes, she pounced over the bottle and pushed her face into mine. The rational part of my mind was gone at that point, consumed wholly by a need for the two of them. And since Pinkie was currently closer, she was the one I focused my attentions on.

Despite knowing on a base level that I didn’t have any experience, my body seemed to know exactly what to do. My front legs wrapped around her head and neck, pulling her tight against me as she freely explored my mouth with her tongue. After some very pleasant time of doing that, I stood, pulling her up with me.

It seemed Pinkie was planning on something like that to happen, because she made sure we were near the bed. I was easily able to toss her onto it even with my shitty hooves. She flew over to it, squealing, “Whee!” When she landed, the bed made a gentle pomf noise. “What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?” she asked, giggling.

“There’s no need to play dumb,” Rarity said, quickly joining her as I approached, my nostrils flaring slightly. “It seems he finally accepted our offer.”

My brain heard their words, but just discarded them, viewing them as pointless background noise. I was finally at the animalistic point where I could smell the differences between the two. Rarity was in season, but she wasn’t as deep into as Pinkie was. So I tuned her out as pointless for the moment, throwing myself at Pinkie.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up with a blinding headache and no fucking clue where I was. A groan erupted from my mouth and I tried to lift a hand to my head. That was rendered impossible for two reasons. One, I didn’t have hands at the moment. Two, both of my hooves were trapped under something to either side of me.

“God, what happened?” I mumbled, opening my eyes and looking to the left. The most horrifying sight I ever saw greeted me: Pinkie’s happily sleeping form. I jerked back from her and bumped into something warm and soft that I saw was the second most horrifying thing I ever saw: Rarity’s merrily slumbering body.

And then I felt the ache in my crotch that gave me an all-too-real hint of what happened the previous night. My little freakout woke both of them up and ended with me locked inside the bathroom. “What the hell did you do to me?” I yelled through the door.

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked, trying to be comforting. “You were all over both of us last night!”

“Like hell! You know I’m not attracted to horses! What the hell did you two do?!”

“Nav, you’re not just feeling after-sex regrets, are you?” Rarity asked. “We’re all adults here. We’d understand.”

“No! There’s no way in hell I would have ever slept with you. Just what the hell did you do?”

“Um, Rarity…?” Pinkie slowly and quietly said.

“Yes, dear?” Rarity sighed, pulling slightly away from the door.

“...You know how most pony towns are usually either majority stallion or majority mare?”

“Yes, Pinkie. Everypony knows about the phero—Oh Celestia…”

“What?” I asked through the door. “What did you two do?!”

“Navarone, I want you to promise me that you’ll hear me out,” Rarity said. “Just… listen. Please.” She sounded rather distraught, but I was still wary.

“No promises. Start talking.”

“Mares go through a period every month called estrus and—” It instantly clicked, thanks to all the time I spent on my family’s small farm.

“Oh my God, you used pheromones against me!”

“Well… yes, but—”

“But nothing! That’s like using a drug on someone! You fucking raped me!”

“Let me finish!” I was beyond incensed at that point and if I didn’t figure they could both immediately overpower me if I rushed the door, I would have left immediately. “We… didn’t even think about it, Nav.” Pinkie nervously coughed behind her and she added, “Well, I didn’t think about it! When mares go into heat and they find a stallion they would like to… spend some time with, there’s a certain custom in Ponyville involving rubbing roses in certain places.”

“That’s disgusting,” I broke in.

“Yes, it is,” she agreed. “But it’s a custom. It never even occurred to either of us that you wouldn’t know it! Or that you would react like you did. We both just thought… you finally decided you were okay with ponies.”

“I lost my fucking mind!” I yelled. “The last thing I can even remember is smelling some roses!”

“Well… I can assure you that you enjoyed it,” Rarity weakly said.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better, you stupid bitch!” I shouted.

“But… you were happy!” Pinkie said. “I saw you smiling…”

“Pinkie, you brought me to your house to fucking seduce me! Don’t think I didn’t figure it out, not with how you were acting. With every reaction I made up to the point where you gave me those disgusting flowers, how could you even think I wanted to fuck you?”

“I thought… you were playing hard to get…” she whimpered.

“Nobody does that!” I yelled.

“Not true, actually,” Rarity said, as if trying to placate me. “I admit to having done it a few times…”

Guys don’t do that! Just stupid chicks that think it’s sexy!”

“...That’s true,” Rarity said. There was a light thump on the door. “Oh Celestia, what have we done?” she mumbled. I didn’t think I needed to answer that. After a few seconds, she said, “Navarone, Pinkie and I are going to leave the building. You are free to come out whenever you want. Should you ever want to… discuss what happened, just let either of us know. For what it’s worth… I didn’t even think about the pheromones and what they might do to somepony not used to them.” Once again, I didn’t reply. A few seconds later, I heard them both leave.

I just fell flat onto the floor, wondering what the hell I could do. They took advantage of me and raped me, but at least one of them seemed relatively ignorant about it. Oh God…

I’m not sure how long I was on that bathroom floor, but eventually I forced my way to my feet and departed, leaving the boutique behind in a daze. I don’t even remember getting here… I wandered to the library, getting a ton of looks from the townsponies as I walked. Can they… smell it? Ugh, fucking animals!

When I got to my destination, I just walked right past Twilight and her questions and went straight to the shower, sitting under the stream for what felt like hours, just… thinking.

It took me forever to get out of bed the next day. The only reason I ever did leave it is because the horse-version of Twilight excitedly forced her way in. “Princess Luna’s here, Nav!” she happily said. “And she can turn us back!” That was enough for me to get my horribly conflicted and mopey ass out of bed. “Nav, you look… horrible. What happened?”

“...Nothing,” I said, not meeting her gaze. “Where’s Luna?”

“She’s in the study. And she asked to speak to you alone, but I don’t know why. I’m sure everypony will just love to celebrate now that we can be back to normal!”

“I’m gonna hold off on that,” I sighed, walking past her and down to where the princess of the night awaited me.

She smiled when she saw me, a smile that I was honestly unable to match even though it was nice to see her again. “You look… quite handsome, Navarone,” she said, approaching me. When she got close enough, a newly familiar smell twinged at my mind and I stared at her in horror, my ears drooping against my head. “...What’s wrong?”

“I can smell it,” I whispered, involuntarily taking a step backwards. “Turn me back.”

She stopped moving forward, but she made no motion to turn me back. “Are you sure you want to turn back?” she asked. “While this change is not one way, meaning you can become a pony again should you desire, you would find acceptance and likely happiness much easier as a pony than you would as a human.”

“I would never willingly betray my humanity,” I said, a tinge of harshness entering my voice. “And I have no desire to be in such an inferior body. Especially one that can be ruled with animalistic instincts. Turn me back.”

“All forms of life are at first governed by instincts, Navarone,” she replied. “And this body is new to you. If you gave it time, you would find the resisting is easier. There are many positions one of your… temperament would find acceptable. Bodyguard. Actor.” Her tail flicked, as though smacking at something, and she added one more with a smile, “Consort.”

“Not interested in any of those. Turn me back. Quickly, please. I was able to tell you were in heat the second I stepped through that door and it’s just getting worse.”

“So… forward!” she giggled with a blush. “Stallions in my time were not like that. More circumspect. More fearful.”

“Are you going to turn me back or not?” I forced through clenched teeth, getting more and more pissed that she was toying with me.

“Yes, I will. But I have a warning, first. Some parts of your transformation may not be… complete.”


“Your wings, Navarone. They will still be there when I turn you back.”

“What? That’s retarded! Why the hell would I have wings? I’m no angel!”

She sighed and looked away, thinking of how to explain it. Finally she said, “What happened to you and Twilight was an explosion of chaotic magic energies. When magic is forced into a spell for the first time, it is torn from the raw magic energies of the world, which are naturally chaotic. When that unicorn attempted to make a spell, what she was doing was forging a new spell from chaos. That spell failed, sending all the magic she was forging exploding outwards. The effects were random and could have been anything. I believe that since you and Twilight were standing so close, it just forced a similar change onto both of you. She got your humanity but retained some of her ponyness, her horn. You got her ponyness, but since she kept her horn, you gained something new. I know it doesn’t make sense, but magic is… strange. Especially raw magic like that.”

“That’s absolutely fucking retarded. Just turn me back and get some bolt cutters. I’ll fix that problem up immediately.”

“What?!” She was so shocked that she almost reverted back to her Royal Canterlot Voice.

“I was joking! Jesus! Just turn me back.”

She huffed somewhat angrily. “You should never joke about self-mutilation,” she replied, beginning to step closer to me. “Hold still. This will be jarring.”

I closed my eyes when she got right in front of me, ready to finally be back to normal. After a few seconds, the deed was done and I was once again in my pristine human form.

Mostly pristine… A large pair of white, feathery wings sprouted from my back in what I immediately knew would be an uncomfortable position. “Finally,” I sighed, falling to my knees.

Luna was looking down on me strangely. “Hm. Twilight did not mention in her reports that humans lacked sheaths. Or are you just excited to see me?”

“While I refuse to deny the second, we don’t have sheaths,” I said, standing and walking over to where Twilight left my pants when she was turned back. I could feel Luna’s eyes watching me as I put them on. “Why? You see something you like?” I asked as I turned back to face her, finally wearing pants.

“It is… interesting to see something that displays itself so openly,” she said with a small smile. “Though I won’t deny it either…”

“The most I’ll offer is a hug for turning me back. God, I couldn’t stay in that horrible body for any longer.”

“Of course, there are spells to reduce the impact our pheromones have upon stallions. But I did not think they would be needed upon one with such… vaunted human reasoning, as I believe you’ve put it before.” The way she said that sounded mocking and rage exploded in my mind before I forced it down, deciding it unwise to pick a fight with a princess.

“Whatever. I’m sure you have things to do, so I won’t keep you busy.”

And just like that, it seemed like she regretted her words. But a princess never apologizes, or at least not this one. “I actually have little to do, now,” she said, almost bitterly. “My sister took it upon herself to investigate the mysterious fire caused in an old fortress long since abandoned. Since it was a magical fluctuation that appeared to have caused it, she had to go herself. I can only imagine her surprise when I tell her what Twilight told me about the competition.”

“I’m sure she’ll be pleased to find she wasted a week. You know, I’m going to have to meet her one of these days. Everyone seems to paint her as the worst tyrant there ever was, but I want to find out for myself.”

“Hm… I might arrange a trip to Canterlot for you, then. Would it please you to escape from Ponyville for a time?”

“I’ll… think about it, I suppose,” I slowly replied, trying to think of a nice way of telling her hell no. Sure, getting away from Ponyville would be awesome, especially after getting fucking raped, but going to a city as famously pompous and stuffy as Canterlot? Ugh.

“Take your time in thinking,” she said with a shrug. “My sister is a busy mare and this week-long break will put her behind for some time.” She looked away suddenly and I saw her jaw moving. It took me a second to realize she was stifling a yawn.

“You’re usually asleep right now, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yes. But Twilight informed me that you were growing quite morose, so I decided to come as soon as I found the spell rather than wait for night to fall. I fear I have gotten little sleep in the past few days.”

“Then I won’t keep you here any longer. Thank you for helping me, Luna. I honestly would have killed myself if I was stuck like that.”

“That is… horrible. How could you say that in such a blasé manner?”

“The place I grew up was very different,” I replied with a shrug. “But you should go on to bed, Luna.”

“...Yes. But not without collecting that hug you promised. For both our sakes, I believe.”

“I don’t remember actually promising one…”

She rolled her eyes and her horn lit up, grabbing me from where I stood and pulling me into her. When she had me in the perfect position, she struck, ensnaring me with both hooves and wings. And since I wasn’t currently wearing a shirt, I got to feel how truly soft these damn ponies really are. Turns out, they’re extremely soft. Or at least, the large and rich ones like Luna are.

“There,” she finally said, pulling away. “I will see you later, Navarone. For now, I am going to bed.” She teleported off before I could answer. Strangely, it seemed that her wings were still outstretched as she departed.

Speaking of wings… I looked over my shoulder at mine. “Well… now what?” I sighed, suddenly aware of my desecration.

Survive, I suppose, a thought in the back of my mind said. It’s all you’ve ever done.

Sometimes it’s all a man can do.

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