Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


92. Chapter Seventy-Six—All good things must end

Having highly immoral relations with Dash seemed to have put her in the mind to be a better bedfellow, because she was actually relatively calm that night, as far as I could tell. Well, she was sleeping calmly, at least; I don’t want to talk about where one of my hands ended up. Hint: It was warm and wet.

When I pulled my hand from her mouth and got up, I shuddered at the clinging feel of sex fluids on some parts of my body. I took a quick shower and got out to find Dash still being lazy.

I woke her up the best way I knew how. She jolted awake, trying to figure out what was happening and why she was enjoying it so much. When she realized it was just me molesting her, she happily sighed and leaned back onto the bed.

“A mare could get used to that,” she sighed when I pulled away.

“I can imagine. Now go take a shower. You smell like sex and sweat.”

“But the bed is so warm and comfy!”

I crossed my arms. “Do I need to start tickling you?”

She narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t.” I lifted my wings menacingly, ready to strike down at her at any moment. She sighed and rolled out of bed, grumbling.

“Good girl. Maybe if you take your time, I’ll have a treat when you get out.”

“You already said you’d help me preen!”

“I didn’t say when. Now go take a shower.” She sighed and walked to the bathroom, hanging her head. I playfully swatted her flank with my wing as she passed. She just hmphed at that.

When she was safely in the bathroom, the intercom kicked on. “I will never, ever forgive you for making me watch that,” the lady said, sounding somewhat upset.

“Hey, you know it was sexy.”

“I hate you so much right now that it hurts. The least you could do is put some pants on!”

“Love you too, babe. Can you send word down to the kitchen for me?”

“Ugh. What do you want?”

“Strawberry pancakes for Dash. I’m not hungry.”

“Whatever. And Doctor Anonymous wants to see you at noon. It’s eleven, now.”


“His office. I assume you know the way by now.”

“I do. So what’s your name, again?”

I heard a heavy sigh from the intercom before she answered, “Melissa.” It clicked off and I figured she wouldn’t answer.

“That’s a pretty name,” I said anyway, smiling. As I expected, she didn’t bother answering. I went to get dressed, since I knew the food would probably come within the half hour.

Half an hour later, I had Dash on my lap and I was preening one of her wings. When someone knocked on the door, she didn’t move. “Forget them,” she said, ruffling her feathers and undoing most of my work. “It can wait.”

“I know you’re hungry, Dash. Let me up.” She sighed and moved, giving me puppy-dog eyes that I dutifully ignored on the way to the door. I opened it and to my joyous surprise found the beautiful Cici on the other side. I met her with a grin. “Lovely to see you again,” I said.

She met my grin with her own. “Same to you, Nav.” I stood aside so she could wheel the tray in. “Oh, you have a guest. You two seem to be together a lot.” God, I loved her accent.

“We’re pretty good friends, yeah. Cici, what do you think of… trying new things?”

“Oh? Vat kinds of new things?” I could see a blush slowly forming on Dash’s face and her wings started twitching.

“Well, my little blue friend here has a problem. An itch that I can’t quite scratch, you could say. I think she can explain it better than I can, and since I need to go meet the doc, she’ll have to be the one to do it.” Cici looked somewhat unsure about what I implied, but I stepped in close and whispered, “Remember, it’s just xenophilia.”

“Ve can… talk,” she finally said, turning her gaze down to Dash.

“Wonderful! Now, I’ll see you both later.” I quickly grabbed all the bags with all of my gear and walked on out. I was hoping Dash would be able to get it on with a real woman before we got back to Equestria. Maybe Cici will be open-minded enough to try it. And maybe—just maybe—I could continue traumatizing Melissa.

I set off down the hall, wondering what the other me wanted. My guess was that he was pissed about the bar incident. If he was, he would probably try to search my mind.

There were considerably more people in the halls this time, though not enough to make them feel crowded. I smiled at all the women I passed, wondering if any would be easy picking. Some of the ones in lab coats looked interested, but I don’t know if that was to study me or to fuck me.

Either way, none of them greeted me. It was honestly kind of awkward, and I felt happy to get to my destination. “So whataya need, Doc?” I asked, sitting in the chair in front of him.

“You’re early,” he said, leaning back.

“Yeah. A friend of mine was having sex in my room. I figured it would be nice to leave her be.”

“Yes, I heard about you and that… friend. Disgusting.” I felt my eyes narrow slightly, but I didn’t rise to the bait. He continued when I didn’t say anything. “Due to security reasons, my sister can’t be allowed in or near the facility. Letting you out poses a security risk as well, but it isn’t really a risk to us, or at least it won’t be once we pull some memories out of your nanites.”

I lifted my eyebrows. “I get to go outside?”

“We’re leaving in thirty. I trust you can hide those wings?”

“Yep. Hey, is there any way you could not bring Jessica along? She fucking hates me for some reason.”

“Someone has to make sure you don’t misbehave. I’m definitely getting up in years, if you stealing my gun was any indication. Still… I’ll try to find someone else. Someone that you won’t flirt with.”

“Oh come on, you can’t have a road trip with just three guys.” He gave me an Old Man look for that. I just grinned at him.

“Let’s go,” he finally said, standing. “If Jessica isn’t going, we can leave sooner.”

“I should probably tell my friends that I’m leaving,” I answered, also standing.

“They’ll be told through the intercom system. We should be back in a few hours, if all goes well.” He led the way out into the hall. I followed next to him.

“And if all doesn’t go well?”

“Then you better be ready to pretend to be God’s messenger again, because that might be the only way we get out of it.”

“Don’t you worry about me. I’ve been in worse situations than just about anything we can find here.”

“I’m sure.” He pressed the button to call the elevator. “So why are you carrying everything?”

“So I’ll have it with me whenever the spell wears off.” The elevator dinged open and on we went. “What ever happened to… her, anyway?”

“Her who? There have been a lot of hers.”

I sighed, looking away from him. “Lilith.”

“Never saw her again. I’m over it, though. I’m married, got a kid, got a career… I wasted too much time regretting the past. I suggest you get over her, too.”

“I know. You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve had to get over already. What’s a broken heart?”

“That’s the spirit.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped off, walking down the hall. “I figured you would have found some replacement for her by now. It’s been six years for you, hasn’t it?”

“I avoided it for a while, remembering the pain. When I finally tried letting someone new in… Let’s just say my heart wasn’t the only thing that ended up broken. Watch out for princesses, man; they’re fucking crazy.”

“I will remember that, much good it will ever do me.”

“Aren’t you going with me when I come back for you guys? You’d probably meet her eventually if you do.”

He shook his head. “My place is here. If something ever does happen, I will help shepherd the remnants of humanity through the harsh times. That said, I will not let my legacy die out with me.”

I snorted. “Well, don’t expect me to continue it. I’m infertile.”

“No you aren’t.” I had a moment of panic before he continued, “You just can’t impregnate anything. You are a species all unto your own. No, that isn’t what I meant at all. If I can’t go, Jessica and her mother will. I am leery of trusting them with you, but the idea of colonizing the future is too much to pass up. And I suppose someone has to be in charge of security.” Oh great, I’ll have to deal with her later.

“Then I hope she gets her panties unwadded. That attitude she has will get her in no end of trouble.”

“I will have a talk with her before she leaves, of course.” He stopped at an empty stretch of wall and pressed a few hidden buttons. A small door slid open.

“How do you see these damn hidden areas?” I asked.

“Contact lenses. They allow for a number of useful features.” I looked around to find that we were in a barracks.

“Ooh. Could I get a set?”

“Yeah. When you come back. That’ll be the same time you get a number of better toys. Until then, you’ve been given the bare essentials.” I bet I know a place I could go to get a set of those lenses.

“Whatever. If I die before I can get back, you have only yourself to blame.”

“And wouldn’t that be disappointing.” He didn’t even try to sound sad about it. “I need a fire team who isn’t doing anything,” he said to the troops around us. “We’re going off base, incognito. Should be light duty. Anyone interested?”

“We’re in,” a voice I recognized said. I looked over to the one who spoke and saw Aaron with two other guys. “What equipment we bringing?”

“X-ray sniper, rail SMG, and an electro-rifle. Keep them broken down and out of sight. And make absolutely sure the scans won’t pick them up. I do not want to deal with that kind of attention on the off chance we get scanned. Meet us in the transport bay in ten.” The three guys saluted and Anon—God, it feels weird to write that—led the way out.

“What the hell’s a rail SMG?” I asked as we continued down the hall.

“Rail gun. It uses magnets to very quietly shoot. Its power can be turned up or down, meaning if we do need to get in a fight in a crowd, we wouldn’t have to worry about much collateral damage, or bullets going through people.”

“And an x-ray sniper?”

“It fires a lethal ray of particles into a target, shutting down the body. It makes no sound and it will almost definitely kill whatever is shot. And an electro-rifle is a more powerful and accurate taser gun.”

“Man, technology has come a long way.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet. And you probably aren’t going to get to, since we aren’t going anywhere big. If you could see New York—or Seoul, for that matter—you’d probably flip out.”

“They can’t be that different. It’s only been thirty-five years. It would cost too much to change them as much as it would take to surprise me overly much in that short of time.”

“Maybe. I suppose the most noticeable changes are in the places where there wasn’t much tech when you left. But the history isn’t important.” We entered a very large open door leading to the massive transport bay. “I suppose I should tell you that you’ll be asleep as we leave. Well, either asleep or very groggy. The stuff that we have would knock a seven hundred pound person on his ass, so we’re assuming it’ll work on you.”


“So you don’t know where our base is, or at least what the countryside looks like. It’s an hour or two drive anyway, so you won’t miss much.”

“Meh. Just make sure no one molests me in my sleep.”

“No promises. Do whatever you’re going to do to hide your wings.” We were walking to some large car. I reached into one of my bags and pulled the leather duster out, quickly slipping it on. My other self stopped and looked at me. “Really? That’s your master plan? Put on a jacket that anyone can see bulging?”

“Give me a cane and I can pretend to be a hunchback.”

“I hate you.”

“Look, do you have any better suggestions?”

He crossed his arms, looking me up and down. “We could dress you up like a girl or something and say it’s a fashion statement.”

“Have you been talking to Rarity?” He just grinned. “Fuck you. Look, we probably won’t be in public for long, right? If anyone asks, tell them it’s a physical deformity. If the people here are anything like the people I left behind, they’ll be too embarrassed to say anything afterward.”

“Hm. I think I’m liking the idea of dressing you up better.”

“Too bad. Unless you can get me a cloak that I can hide them under better, this’ll be it.” I looked over at our vehicle, which had heavily tinted windows. “And I won’t even need it until we get there, unless we get pulled over. Until we do, I’d rather not wear it.” I slid it off, stuffing it back into a bag.

“Suit yourself. Those security boys better get here quickly. I want to get this underway.” Him and me both. I knew the clock was slowly ticking down on the time I was probably going to be pulled away. I was expecting it would be a few more days, but on the same vein, I didn’t want to take chances. For the first time in a long time, I felt anticipation for something. It was… a good feeling.

And then my asshole self had to ruin it by jamming something into my neck when I was looking the other way. “What the fuck?” I asked, jerking away from him and reaching to where I normally kept hidden weapons.

“That was the sedative. It’ll take a few minutes to knock you out, since your blood is like syrup. And yes, I do mean syrup; while we were testing it, we found that it has a high sugar content.”

“Well that’s certainly interesting. I should probably be sitting down when this hits.”

“Our guards are coming in anyway, it looks like. Just wait for them.” I turned my head to the door and felt some dizziness. I saw Aaron and his two guys walking toward us, seemingly not carrying any weapons.

“Ooh man, this stuff is kicking in,” I said, putting a hand to my head. “I wonder what it would do to a horse.” It would be funny to use something like it on Celestia in the morning before she woke up. And maybe I could use one on the other two princesses as well, just to see what the ponies would do without anyone really in charge for a day.

“I imagine it would put one out for nearly a day, depending on the size. Of course, you won’t be getting any of it right now.” Not legally, maybe.

“We ready to go, doc?” Aaron asked when he got close enough to us.

“Yeah. One of you is driving. One in the front seat. The rest of us will be in the back. There’s plenty of room in this thing, thankfully.”

He nodded. “Gleeks, drive. Phil, shotgun.” Anon tossed the keys at the guy that was apparently Gleeks. “Uh, Nav? You feelin’ alright?”

The sedative was finally kicking in. I felt the doc say something as I started falling. I think someone caught me half way down, but I don’t know for sure.


When I woke up, I found that my head was in a position I didn’t much care for: in Aaron’s lap. I tried jerking away, only to find my body wasn’t responding that well yet.

“Relax, Nav,” Aaron said, rubbing the top of my head somewhat creepily. “According to the doc, you’ll be a bit out of it for a little while. Hell, we’re surprised you’re even awake.”

“I’m not,” the doc said from somewhere behind me.

“Yeah, yeah,” he answered. “You’ll get your damn money, you leech. Anyway,” he continued, moving his hand to my wings to pet them, “we’re almost there. Just keep trying to move. It should wear off faster that way.”

I tried opening my mouth to tell him to stop touching my wings, but my face still felt numb. I was rather hoping Anon would tell him to knock that shit off, but when I could finally twitch my head his way, I just saw him smiling at my discomfort and blushing face. Thankfully, most of my body was numb so I couldn’t really feel it, but still.

How do you tell someone that they’ve been accidentally molesting you? Especially when you can’t talk…

Since trying to do so would be extremely awkward, I just worked on sitting up, trying to move as much of my body as I could. After a few minutes, my body started to wake up. Now, normally I would consider that a good thing, but I forgot one very important thing… You know how when your leg falls asleep, it gets very sensitive as it starts waking up?

Yeah, that was a very, very awkward boner. It took me nearly fifteen minutes after that sensitive phase to finally pick myself off of him. “I hate everything,” I groaned as I leaned forward, letting my head rest on the driver’s chair.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked.

In a way, I wanted to tell him so he wouldn’t do it again, but in another way I really didn’t want to deal with that awkward situation. So instead I just sighed and said, “My body feels fucking terrible. If we got in some trouble, I’d be useless.”

“Well, you do sound pretty slurred. If we get pulled over, don’t open your mouth. I don’t think you have an ID, so a cop would be quite suspicious if you sound drunk.”

“Actually,” the doctor said from behind me, “I have a stimulant right here that should pop him right back up. Your arm, please?” I sighed and held my arm back, sticking it over the seat. He grabbed it and I felt a prick in the crook of my arm. “There.”

“So why did you wait until now to do this?” Aaron asked as I recovered my arm.

“Because you looked like you were having fun molesting him,” the doctor said.

I heard Aaron jerk back into the door. “Molest? What?”

The doctor chuckled. “His wings. They’re full of nerve clusters. Extremely sensitive, akin to a woman’s clitoris.”

There was silence in the car for a few seconds before the two guys sitting up front burst out laughing. Aaron was stammering something, trying to formulate a response. I was still leaning against the front seat, waiting for the stim to kick in.

“He’s joking, right?” he finally managed to say over the laughter. “Your wings aren’t… really like that, are they?”

I sighed and answered, “You aren’t the first to do it without realizing, and you probably won’t be the last.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Because my mouth wasn’t working.”

“Not you! Doc, what’s wrong with you?” I still wasn’t looking up, so I didn’t realize who he was talking to.

I imagine he shrugged as he said, “It was funny and he enjoyed it. I don’t see what the problem is. He doesn’t even seem to mind, honestly.”

“He already told me he was straight! Why do you think I’ve left him alone? That is not okay, Doc! Shit… I’m sorry, Nav.”

“Not the worst I’ve been through,” I said, finally feeling the hints of energy coursing through my veins. “Want to hear a story of a nice little kitty?”

“You’re just… okay with this?”

“Again, I’ve been through worse. Here’s the story of my time in Egypt…”

By the time we got to our little destination, I had finished my tale, I was overly full of energy, and all four of my travel companions were horrified.

“I wouldn’t mind meeting that little pussy,” the dude riding shotgun said, cracking his knuckles.

I grinned at his determination. “If you met her without a gun with that kind of attitude, it would end poorly. I didn’t mention that she’s a trained assassin who is very good at her craft.”

“Man, if that’s the kind of welcome you got in that place, why would you want to go back?” Aaron asked.

“I got a daughter to feed and responsibilities to take care of.”

“You? Daughter?” the other me asked.

“Yep. That’s a story for another time, though. Looks like we might be here.”

‘Here’ was a fucking city, as compared to the small town I was promised earlier. Though I suppose after getting back from Ponyland, a small town in my time would of course feel like a city. We were near the middle of it now, parked in front of some fancy hotel.

“We are indeed,” Anon confirmed. “Get your jacket on. Gleeks, park around back. Keep an eye out for anything suspicious. Everyone else, le—Wait. Is there a pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment?” Phil popped it open to find that yes, there was. “Give them to Navarone.” They were passed to me and I put them on, successfully covering my eyes and my wings. “Alright, let’s go.” The four of us piled out of the large car, heading up the stairs to the fancy hotel.

We got no looks on our way into the hotel and over to the elevator. No one paid any attention to me at all, not even to the bulge in the back of my jacket or the sunglasses. It was very nice.

When we got on the elevator, Anon continued, “I’ll go in to meet her first. After a few minutes, I’ll call you in, Nav. Any funny business and I’ll shoot you.”

“Then I should warn you that I’m allergic to things that hurt or kill me.”

“Noted.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped out, heading left down the hall. “Ah, room 401. Stand to either side, please.” I stood on one side of the door and the other guys stood on the other, Aaron getting as far as possible from me. I assume he didn’t want her to see us. Either way, he politely knocked.

A few seconds later, the door opened. I can’t really detail my desire to peek in, but I knew doing so would be a bad idea. “Finally here, ‘Non? You never were one for sticking to a schedule.”

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

If I knew her still, she was crossing her arms as she responded, “By a few seconds. Come on in, and bring your friends with you.” She could see our frames, but she probably couldn’t make out any details.

“I have some words for you alone, first. Wait out here, you three.”

We didn’t answer as he walked inside, the door shutting behind him. Aaron walked over across the hall and slid his back down the wall, sitting on the floor. “So you have a daughter?” he asked, looking over at me. “How’s that work?”

“Rescued her from Egypt. She’s a cute little unicorn, but beyond fucked in the head. It’s to be expected, from whatever she’s been through.”

“How old is she?”

I sighed, joining him on the floor. “You know, I don’t even know. Those damn ponies never talk about age. It’s… somewhat disturbing, honestly. If I had to give her a human age, I’d say eleven or twelve. She acts more like a fifteen year old, though.” I sighed again, letting my head lean back against the wall. “I wish she hadn’t chosen to stay with me…”

“Why?” the other guy asked. “What’s wrong with kids?”

“Nothing, as long as they aren’t mine. But it’s not for my sake that I wish she hadn’t, it’s for hers. I’m not a very good father, which probably explains why Anon’s daughter is such a bitch.”

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked. “I mean, I can’t deny that Jessica isn’t exactly easy to get along with, but what does one have to do with another?”

I assume they didn’t know that I was Anonymous. And if they didn’t know, it was probably good not to tell them. “Don’t worry about it. You two have any good stories?”

“None as good as yours,” Aaron said. “Tell us about the dragon.”

I grinned and started telling them about the lovely Kumani. I was halfway into my description of her legs that go on for days when the door opened. “Come on in, Nav,” the other me said.

I pushed myself up, trying to calm the heavy beating of my heart. I was about to see someone I thought I would never see again, someone I had been missing for years. If fate fucked me over here by sending me back, I would kill the first thing I saw in raw rage.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. I walked into the room, taking off my sunglasses so I could actually see. “It is you!” Jane said from her position on the bed.

“Yep,” I answered with a happy smile, very glad I wouldn’t have to explain much. “Just about thirty-five years removed from things. How’s your art going?”

“It isn’t… What happened? How is this even possible?”

I sighed, sliding my jacket off. “I wish I could tell you,” I said, stretching my wings. Her eyes jerked to them. “Yeah, I’ve been fucked over sideways and rebuilt more than once. I’m lucky I even look passably human. My new home has not been kind. But neither of us came all this way to talk about my personal hell. My daughter’s a bitch, but what about my nephews and nieces?”

She looked at me for a few more seconds before slowly turning back to the other me. “Is this… some kind of clone? Is this what you’re making at that mountain of yours?”

“If he is, he’s not one of ours,” he said, shaking his head. “And he’s not a perfect clone, either. We tested his genes. He’s not even human. As for what he said happened… He has nanites that are more advanced than anything anyone in the bunker had seen. They were able to show us all the information we wanted to see, despite not having been inside him for the entire time. And most of what he says checks out, too. As weird and strange as it is, he’s real, a version of me removed during senior year of high school.”

“It just… doesn’t seem possible…” she whispered, looking me over.

“Well, we already know God doesn’t exist, or if he does, that he’s an asshole. Who’s to say our enemy isn’t the only one with some insane powers?”

She snorted. “That talk again. You keep going o—”

Anon pointed at me. “There’s your proof, Sis. Ask him anything. And even if we are wrong, so what? You know where the world is going. You know what it looks like. The damn Asians keep making demands and South America isn’t staying quiet either!”

“Hey!” I shouted, getting their attention. “I didn’t come across time, space, and several hundred miles to be used in a fucking argument! Yes, humanity is going to die. The fact that the ponies exist proves that. But if she would rather die with her family than trapped in a mountain like a rat, that’s her choice.”

At some point during that, Jane had jerked back. “Your eyes…” she whispered, looking into them. I met her gaze and attempted to soften my gaze. She sighed, looking away. “I know those eyes anywhere, even if they have been defaced. You’re my brother, for better or worse.” She looked back to me. “How?”

“If I told you magic, would you be upset?”

“A little.”

I shrugged and said, “Then I don’t know. I wish I had an answer. But I wish even more that it had never happened… But again, I didn’t come this far to tell you about me.” I nodded to my other self and said, “He can tell you all about me; he has the memories, apparently. How are things?”

If you know someone that wants to use you is reading your personal accounts of something that’s so close to you, would you give them anything? Including, of course, your real name?

We were interrupted some time later by a fast knocking. Anon rushed to get it, knowing that if we were being disturbed, there would probably be a reason. “We got trouble, Boss,” Aaron said.

“Shit. Nav, get your coat on. What kind of trouble?”

“Gleeks ain’t sure, but there’s something going on. We got cops coming in.”

Anon nodded. “They wouldn’t send cops for us. Get locked and loaded, but keep it hidden. It’s time for us to make a hasty retreat. Whatever they’re searching for, we don’t want to be found.” Aaron pulled a micro SMG out of a coat pocket and a magazine from another. He slid it in with a sexy click and racked the slide back.

While he was doing that, I was reaching around to one of my wings before putting my coat on. I gently plucked a feather loose, ruffling my wings at the sting. “To remember me by, for whatever you think I’m worth,” I said, handing the feather to my sister. “I’ll probably… never see you again,” I sighed, looking away.

“That you got to see me at all is a blessing,” she said, pulling me into a hug.

What do you tell someone that you know you’ll never see again? “I love you,” I whispered before pulling out of the hug.

“Minä rakastan sinua,” she answered, smiling.

I met her smile with my own as I threw my jacket over my wings. “Shoulda figured you would go for a foreigner. Watch out for the feds, sis.” I slid my sunglasses on and nodded to myself. “Ready to go.”

Anon nodded back. “Good. Jane, the offer still stands. Now let’s go.” He pushed past Aaron, who had hidden his piece. “Where are they entering?” he asked as I followed him, not looking back. I had the desire to see her one more time, but I knew it would only make it more painful.

“All sides,” Aaron answered. “Looks like a standard raid. Without more people on the inside, I don’t know which floor they’re hitting.”

“It won’t be this one,” he answered, walking away from the elevator. He casually reached out and pulled a fire alarm as we followed him, sending a harsh ringing sound through the halls. “Tell your man to be ready to drive immediately. We need to get gone before the firemen respond.”

Doors were starting to open as people looked into the halls, trying to figure out what was going on. When they saw us, a few poked their head back in while some others joined our small exodus to what was hopefully either a fire escape or a stairwell.

When we got to the stairs, we had a small tail following us and a larger group ahead of us. “I hate stairs,” the older me sighed as he started walking down them.

“That’s what you get for being old,” I answered, not minding them in the slightest.

“Don’t make me smack you.” I just grinned and continued following him, Aaron or Phil close to my back so no one saw the unnatural shapes under my jacket.

Thankfully, the stairwell had a fire escape that people were slowly filing out of. We joined the line and quickly found out why the pace was slow: The police were watching everyone exit, presumably searching for someone in particular. They were rather heavily armed for normal cops, so I assumed we were dealing with SWAT. Thankfully, they let the four of us through with nothing more than hard looks.

We casually walked to the parking lot, trying not to look like we were in a hurry. We made it there easily enough, thankfully. “Of all the times for a damn raid,” Phil sighed as we closed the doors of our vehicle.

Anon said, “They weren’t looking for us and that’s all that matters. Let’s get out of here.”

Our driver nodded and pulled out. We quickly ran into a problem: The entrance to the parking lot was cordoned off. The cops were checking IDs before letting anyone out.

“Ideas?” the driver asked, pulling us into the short line.

“Two come to mind,” Aaron said. “First, gunning it.”

“Can’t,” the doc said. “The other idea?”

“Take our seats. This might work.”

I lifted an eyebrow as I slid over the seat. “You’re going to try hiding me?” I asked, situating myself in my new seat. Anon took a little longer to get over. When he did, Aaron wasted no time joining me.

“Something like that,” he finally said as the car in front of us moved out of the way. Before I could ask what he meant, his arms wrapped around me and suddenly he was kissing me. My eyes shot open in surprise, not at all expecting this outcome. In hindsight, it makes sense, and surprisingly enough it even worked. He somehow had his tongue in my mouth before the doc tapped him on the shoulder.

“We’re through,” he said, humor in his voice. Aaron finally let me go, pulling away. “That was definitely a… unique way of getting ignored.”

“It worked,” was his answer to that. “Sorry, Nav. It was the first thing that came to mind.”

“Still not the worst thing I’ve been through,” I sighed, looking out the window. “Until you’ve had your throat explored by a freakishly long changeling tongue, you don’t know about strange make-out sessions.”

“I sense another story,” Aaron said, pulling his gun out of one of his pockets. He quickly unloaded it and popped the round from the chamber.

“I suppose. You want to hear about the queen I fucked or my sexy little changeling maid?”

“We got time for both,” one of the guys up front said.

I shrugged and did my best to settle back with my wings still hidden. “Then let me tell you about the time I met Queen Chrysalis and helped save all of Equestria…”


I woke up some time after the trip back on my bed. The doctor had, of course, put me to sleep during the drive. When I did wake up, I found that my pillow was different from the one I had been using.

“About time you woke up,” Dash said from her position under me. I assume she had been watching me sleep, as creepy as that was. “Cici was just… awesome,” she sighed. “Took her a few minutes to warm up to the idea, but when she did… You’re the best bro ever, Nav.” I couldn’t exactly answer since I was completely numb, so I just blinked a few times, still trying to get my body to turn on. “Yeah, that soldier guy said you wouldn’t be able to move for a little while. He wanted to leave something to make you wake up, but apparently the doc—whoever that is—told him that it could make your heart explode from having too many of them or something. I told him you were too tough for that, but he just told me to watch out for you. Also, he left a note.”

I grunted and closed my eyes again, just trying to move.

She snorted. “And you call me lazy! You’re already trying to go back to sleep!” Sleeping would be nice, admittedly, but I didn’t think I had any of my stuff on me and I would rather have it on or near me in case I disappeared. Also, I had stuff to do and being stuck or asleep wouldn’t be helpful. “You know, I gotta say that I expected you to know how to take better care of your wings by now… So messy. You don’t mind if I help out a bit, do you?”

I, of course, didn’t say anything.

“Didn’t think so. Hold still.” Because I’m going anywhere. She gently took my upper body in her hooves and slid out from under me, lowering me onto the bed. After she made sure I was fine, she hopped up and got to where she could easily pick at my wings.

I couldn’t see what she was doing, but after a few minutes, I could definitely feel it. I sighed in contentment as the drug slowly wore off, letting me slowly shift into a more comfortable position. I was very much getting into it and wondering if I would finally have my first wing-gasm when the fucking door slammed open.

“Ooooh Na—What are you doing?” Rarity asked, barging in.

As soon as Dash heard the door slam open, she jumped off the bed as quickly as possible. “N-nothing!” she stammered, probably turning bright red.

“That was definitely not nothing,” Rarity said, walking in further. “Did I perhaps… interrupt something?”

“No!” Dash quickly answered.

“Hm… If those outstretched wings on the both of you mean anything, I think I was!”

Dash was trying to come up with a response when I slurred, “Come. Off. It. You. High. Class. Bitch.” My voice still wasn’t working very well, but I was able to finally push myself to a sitting position. When I was able to see Rarity, I couldn’t tell if she looked concerned or affronted.

“Are you alright?” she finally asked, her concern winning over the fact that I called her a bitch.

“He’s fine,” Dash answered for me. “He just got drugged earlier. I was trying to wake him up.”

“…Huh. The lives you two lead… Well, I was going to get him to take me into town, but I suppose I shall have to wait.”

“Fancy?” I asked.

“Gone. He’s at some manner of gentlestallion’s club. I was invited, but I believe I would like to try something that I can’t find at home.”

“Twenty. Minutes,” I managed to force out. I figured I could get ready in that time.

“Well, I suppose I need to prepare anyway. I shall wait for you, then. Behave yourselves, you two!” And with that, little miss killjoy left.

When the door clicked shut, Dash turned back to me with a shark’s grin. “Now where were we?”

I love being me sometimes.

Some time later, I found myself agile enough to move around again. My steps were halting and I knew I would need a hand on Dash’s back to keep me steady, but I was once again mobile. My first order of business was finding all of my bags and shit. After that, I read the note Aaron left me. It was an invitation to a club. Drinks on him, to make up for accidentally molesting me and then purposefully molesting me.

In hindsight… Well, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

“Melissa, you there?” I asked, slipping the note into one of my many pockets.

The intercom clicked on and she sighed into it. “Yes?”

“Do you know how I can get in contact with the intercom dude named Ryan?”


“…Do you want to go on a date?”

There was silence for nearly ten seconds before she said, “Not just no, but hell no.”

Dash giggled. “Dude, shot down hard.”

I shrugged. “Love you, too.” I didn’t specify who I was talking to. “Ready, Dash?”

“You know it! I can’t wait to find out what normal humans consider a party!”

“You’re sounding like Pinkie,” I scolded, achingly walking to the door. “We just need to pick up Rarity and drop her off wherever she’s going.”

“Probably some frilly frou-frou place for some fashion stuff,” she joked, joining me in the hall.

“I certainly hope so. She needs to drop this creepy anime thing I accidentally got her in.”

“Creepy what thing?”

“I don’t know, something about cartoons for little girls. People her age shouldn’t be into that shit, you know?”

She just shrugged as I went to knock on Rarity’s door. She opened it a few seconds later. “Are you finally ready?” she asked.

“Rarity, what’s the orange shit on your nose?” She went cross-eyed trying to look at it. I bent in, narrowing my eyes. “Is that… cheeto dust?”

“Why yes, I suppose it is! That kind young stal—er, man on the intercom suggested them to me.”

I rolled my eyes and rubbed it off her nose. “You keep eating that shit, you’re gonna get fat. Come on, let’s get going.”

She huffed as she fell into step with me and Dash. “I will not get fat, thank you very much.”

I smiled and said, “Yeah, it might be too late. Just look at those flanks!”

Her face turned bright red as she glared at me. That glare slowly grew uncertain and concerned as she cast the occasional furtive glance to her ass. Eventually she stopped and just looked back. “OH CELESTIA, IT’S TRUE! I’M CORPULENT!”

“Well, at least you’re honest,” I said, giggling.

The very bruised shin I got was worth it.

When Rarity finished having her fit about how I’m supposed to compliment a lady and always make her feel pretty, we continued on our way.

“So Dash,” I said as we were waiting on the elevator, “do you consider yourself a lady?”

“Psh, no.”

“So how would you feel if I called you pretty?”

“Kinda weirded out, actually.”

“Rainbow! You should take compliments with grace and poise!” Rarity scolded. “I shall demonstrate. Navarone, if you would.”

I idly scratched at the hair growing in on my chin. “I don’t know… It’s hard to think of a compliment for you.” I let the sour look come onto her face before continuing, “I mean, you already know you’re one of the most beautiful ponies out there and you have dozens of suitors to tell you that, so there’s hardly anything someone like me could tell you that you don’t already know.” And there was the shocked look on her face that I was expecting. I grinned and finished, “So where’s that grace and poise you were mentioning?”

She quickly shook her head, breaking away from her shock, and sniffed. “Well, that was hardly a normal compliment…”

“Oh, so you’re blaming me for your lack of grace. Typical woman; blame the man when something goes wrong.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped on in, Rarity trying to defend herself and me not paying attention. “So what floor are we going to?” I asked when she stopped talking.

She huffed and poked one of the buttons. Of course, since she had hooves, that had the dual effect of sending us to three other floors. When Dash and I glared at her, she turned away, her face burning bright pink.

“So where are you going, anyway?” Dash asked as the elevator opened on the first of the four floors she pushed in.

The doors slid shut and Rarity answered, “A small store somepony suggested to me.”

“Fashion, I assume?” I asked.

“Well, no. I’ve learned some about your fashion already, from watching your movies and some anime.”

I sighed, rubbing at my face. “Rarity, no one dresses like people in anime or in movies. If you try copying styles from those, you’ll probably get laughed out of every place you show them off.”

She smiled. “I don’t mean normal, everyday clothes, Nav. No, I have something… different in mind. And based on your reaction to Rainbow Dash last night, I believe I have a market in the more… erotic branches of clothing.”

I was silent for a few seconds, trying to get that through my head. “Holy… you’re going to make pony lingerie?”

“I am certainly going to try, yes. I admit, this isn’t something I particularly want my name on, but I believe the profit might outweigh the potential stigma.”

“So wait, this shop we’re going to… Is it a panty store or something?”

She flinched back before saying, “No! I wouldn’t bring a stall—er, man to one of those with me! Or at least, not somepony I wasn’t planning on modeling for…” She sighed before continuing, “No, this is something else.”

I shrugged. “Well, as long as it’s not some weaboo anime place, I’ll be fine.”



“God dammit, Rarity.” We were currently standing in front of some weaboo anime place. I could barely see into the window past all the posters and shit.

“This is not just an anime shop, Navarone,” she said, trying and failing to abate my massive disappointment. “They sell all manner of… mangas and… cosplay? I think that’s what Ryan said.”

I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose. “Dash, you wait out here. This place would sap your aura of cool and awesome right away. I shouldn’t be long.”

She was probably getting that vibe too, based on her somewhat apprehensive look. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Just uh… don’t take too long.”

“Oh posh! Navarone, you’re exaggerating. If you’re going to be this immature, I can just go in without you.”

I pushed the door open and walked in. The three guys standing around the store doing things looked up as I walked in. As soon as they saw me, their eyes drifted to my wings. The first one of you fucking mouthbreathers that compares me to some anime figure will get punched in the kidney.

“Sup,” I said as Rarity walked in behind me.

One dude that I swear had to be seven feet tall smiled. “Ah, Navarone and Rarity. It’s good to finally see you in person!”

My eyebrows lifted in surprised. “Ryan?” I asked.

“In the flesh, for once.” As I said, he was monstrously tall. He was also about as skinny as a pole. He looked awkward as fuck, but I figured I could get him laid if I went about it right. “I was starting to wonder if you would come by.”

Rarity stepped forward, smiling. “I told you I would, darling. Though you look quite a bit taller than I was expecting.”

“Yeah… I get that a lot. I gotta say, I’m surprised to see you here, Nav.”

“I’m just here for two things. The first, an invitation. Me, Dash, and some guys are going to a club. If you want to make good on my offer, you’re welcome to come.”

His smile deepened for a moment before his eyes flicked to Rarity. “Uh… How long do you think you’ll be there?”

I crossed my arms. “I don’t know. But if you give me, say, an hour or so, I might can have some targets scoped out for you.”

“I can do that. It shouldn’t take long to get Miss Rarity squared away.”

“And that brings me to the second reason I came here. If you fuck with her, I’ll give you a choice of punishments. One is getting punched in the face. The other is me walking through the shop, mispronouncing every title in the most horrible way I can and then asking how they are compared to DBZ.” All three of the guys flinched at the second one. “So yeah. Treat her like you’re supposed to treat your mother. And yes, that includes hiding the hentai.”

Rarity turned to me, an interested look on her face. “What’s… hentai?”

I looked up to Ryan. “The name of the club is the Cherry Stem. Don’t leave us waiting long.”

“Don’t you worry. I’ll be there!” I barely heard his whispered, “Hopefully…”

I nodded and turned to walk out of the shop. As the door swung shut, I heard one of the two redshirts say, “Did that guy remind you of a shorter Sephiroth?” I clenched my kidney punching fist before I remembered that Sephiroth was from a game, not an anime. You win this time, mouthbreather.

“Come on, Dash. Time to get our drunk on.”

“Finally!” I think she was in a hurry to get away from the staring eyes that were constantly probing us. To be fair, I was as well. We started walking back to the elevator. Thankfully, the note included directions from the elevator from our room. Based on those, we were able to find it from where Rarity had taken us.

“I have a good feeling about this,” Dash said, looking at the large and bold entrance to the club.

“Strange… I have a bad one. Well, here’s hoping.”

“So what’s with the name, anyway? Cherry stem?”

I grinned. “It’s a human thing. A girl proves that she’s good with her tongue by tying a cherry stem in a knot with her mouth.”

“No buckin’ way.”

“Hey, maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll both find out. Now let’s get in there.”

I led the way to the door, where a bouncer was standing with his arms crossed. He had been staring at us since we got into sight, and I couldn’t tell if he was happy to see us or not. “You finally coming in?” he asked, not moving.

“I was planning on it,” I answered.

“Alright. But I’m warning you right now: You start any of the shit that happened at that carpet muncher bar, we’ll come down on you hard. You got that?”

“Don’t start trouble, got it. What if trouble finds me?”

“Then we’ll talk. And another warning: Watch out for the boss. She’s not what you’ll expect.”

That just deepened my bad feeling, but I nodded. “Thanks for the warnings.” He stepped out of the way, letting me and Dash inside.

My first impression of the place after stepping inside was… full. Not just in that there were a lot of people there, but the place felt right, like I was supposed to be there. Fulfilling, in a way. That should have been the second sign that I might be making a mistake.

“Yo Nav!” I looked over to where I was being called and saw Aaron with one of his squad mates. He waved us over. As I walked further inside, I noticed that Dash and I were getting a number of looks. Since that was to be expected, I paid them no mind. “I was hoping you’d come by,” he said in a more normal voice when we got close. “Sorry about the whole, you know, molesting you twice thing.”

“Water under the bridge, but I’m not saying alcohol won’t help me forget.”

“Good. Phil, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash, Phil.” He was introducing the two of them. “What do you two want?”

“White Russian and Skittles Vodka, if they have it,” I answered. Aaron rapped his knuckles on the bar and a tender walked over. When the order was relayed, the bartender wandered off to fill it. “Dash, you’re going to love this shit,” I said.

“You mentioned skittles earlier,” she said. “What are they?”

“Candy. I’m glad they’re still making it.”

“So am I,” Aaron answered. “So, anyone catch your eye yet?”

“Quite a few,” I said, finally sitting down on the stool next to him. “I got a nerd I gotta take care of before me, though. I told the intercom guy I’d get him laid. How hard will it be to find a girl to break in a virgin?”

He smirked. “Dude, you’ve never been to a club before, have you?”

“Not a human one.”

“Trust me, then: It won’t be a problem at all. As soon as he gets here, get him a drink to soothe his nerves and then do the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“Got it. If only he was into guys. I’d set him up with you.”

He shook his head. “Nah. Virgins are too clingy. If it was a chick, sure. But I don’t want a relationship with a guy that goes past the occasional fuck. By the by, since you haven’t been to a club before, you should probably know how things work. If you’re here looking to fuck, use a coaster, like Phil. It’s just a little signal that lets the guys and gals know you’re looking—or waiting. If you’re gay, use a yellow one. Straight, blue.” Phil was using a blue one. “If you’re just here to drink, no coaster needed. If you need to leave the bar for any reason and you can’t take your drink, put something over it. That’s the sign that you’ll be back.”

“Sounds easy enough,” I said, nodding. “Dash, you catch all that?” I saw that she was already fiddling around with a yellow coaster, waiting for her drink. She was also eyeing up the large number of people around us, many of which were surreptitiously looking our way. I bent in and whispered, “No offense, but you might want to make sure they know you’re a mare.”

“What?” she asked, flinching slightly. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“To me, yes. To them, maybe not. If you aren’t used to seeing ponies and horses, you can’t tell just by looking at them. You talking should be enough.” She hmphed at that. I was saved more explaining by the bartender dropping off our drinks. He didn’t know who to give what, I assume. I took the Russian and passed the vodka to her. “That stuff’ll be strong,” I warned her.

“Can’t be worse than the apple stuff you made.”

Aaron laughed at that. “You made applejack?”

Dash’s head jerked that way, almost making her spill her drink. “You know Applejack?”

“No, he doesn’t. Applejack is the name of the alcohol I made. It’s also AJ’s name. Confusing, I know. Now, a word of warning if you do decide to go off with a random barfly: Be careful. You’ll probably be fine. Try not to freak her out with that weird thing you ponies do.”

“…What weird thing?”

“With the winking and all.” She just rolled her eyes and tried her vodka. I reached around behind me to grab my drink on the bar, but found my hand in someone else’s. I turned around to find a very disturbing sight.

“Little angel, fallen to Earth…” The woman in front of me was decked out in black leather. “Wherefore has gone thy mirth?” She was wearing a microskirt with tight fishnet stockings all the way up. “Little angel, from the sky…” The corset she was probably wearing was pushing her generous bosom in a position that I quite enjoyed. “Come and seduce me with a lie…” Her ivory skin had a nearly pearlescent glow. “Little angel, I do see…” Her straight black hair, black lipstick, and dark eye shadow sharply contrasted with her skin. “That you quite desire me.” From her hand on mine, I could feel that her skin was silky smooth, never having seen a hard day’s work. “Little angel, I would love…” Her voice was seductive: Breathy and deep, a succubus’s whisper. “To dominate you like a dove.” And her eyes were ruby red, staring into my soul.

What. The. Fuck.

“Well, that is the best greeting that I have ever gotten,” I slowly said, trying to get control of myself. I have to admit that my first urge was to say ‘Yes please’ and go wherever she demanded, just to see what would happen. I got over that and instead shook the hand that I still held in mine before bringing it in for a kiss. “Charmed, mashiara.”

“Best for the offer, or best for the rhyme?” she asked, her voice losing its implied lust.

“Both. Usually my permission isn’t asked before the whips and chains are brought out. I suppose you already know my name. Could I have the honor of yours?”

“Rebecca. The offer stands, my wingéd love. What’ll it be? Do you desire a night of passion and lust unrivaled anywhere?”

I don’t know about that. “How long will you be here? I have a friend that’ll be coming by soon and I need to help him out. After that, we can talk.”

“Talk, talk, talk… My little angel, I want to scream. And I want to hear the moans an angel makes, fallen or not.”

“I can’t promise I’ll moan like an angel, but that won’t stop me from taking you to heaven.”

She smiled toothily and answered, “An offer I love to hear. I’ll be here all night, though it might not be me in charge. Just ask any bouncer to direct you to Elise, and you’ll find me there.”

Ooooh fuck. “Elise?”

She blinked and when her eyes opened, they were a dull green. She blinked three more times, going from green to blue to pink to red. “She’s the original, but tonight is mine.” She leaned in close, whispering, “And soon it’ll be ours.”

“I look forward to it. Until then.” With a brief nod of her head, she left our little group.

“Duuuude… You fucked up,” Aaron said, looking at me with pity. “Elise, sure. I think Rogers is celibate or something. Molly’s too young for that stuff. But Rebecca?” He shook his head sadly. “You’re stuck here, now. I don’t think the bouncers would let you leave, after agreeing.”

“They’d be hard pressed to stop me, especially if Dash is backing me up. But she seems reasonable enough, if somewhat dark.” I finally was able to get some of my white Russian down. “I think I can handle her.”

He shrugged, taking a shot of whatever he was drinking. “On you. I suggest a few more of those if you’re seriously going to consider it. I figured someone a little more loving would be right up your alley.”

“If I wanted loving, I would be with Fluttershy. I want down and dirty sex.”

“You’re in the right place.” I looked around to find that Phil had disappeared on us, leaving a blue coaster behind.

“What do you think, Dash?” I asked, looking over at her. She was presumably scoping targets out.

“I think I want to join you with her,” she said, looking some other chick up and down instead. “Hey, what’s with some mares wearing pants and some wearing dresses?”

“Skirts are easy access, if you know what I mean.” Based on her grin, I think she definitely knew. “If you’re looking to get laid, you’re probably going to have to be the one doing the approaching. Stick around as long as you want. I’ll probably hit up the dance floor eventually. These beats are… something else.”

“Oh shit, you aren’t jacked in!” Aaron said when he heard me. “No wonder you’re so calm.”


“Ugh. It’s an implant kinda thing. And if you had the contacts, you’d also be able to get some of the effects. Basically, it lets you feel the beat. Look at the dance floor.” I did, and noticed after a second or two that there was actually a rhythm in the movements. “If you have the right implants, you can ‘jack in’ to the music and the other cues. There are lights, smells, and sounds that you can’t even notice right now.”

“Well that certainly sucks. Ah well. C’est la vie.” I finished off my drink and felt an extremely strong kick in my head. “Holy…”

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, looking over to see me holding a palm against my temple. “Surely you aren’t already drunk.” I didn’t answer for a few seconds and he eventually came up with an answer on his own. “Ooooh fuck! Dude, I forgot that you can’t mix tranqs with alcohol! You are in for one wild night…”

“I’ve been through worse,” I sighed, setting the empty glass behind me. “Did I tell you about the time I got drugged in Canterlot?”

“Is now really a time for another story?”

“It’s short. I got drugged. I fucked everything. I remembered nothing. I had to walk back to my room because my wings were so full of gunk that I couldn’t fly.”


I sighed, letting my hands fall. I popped my neck, trying to avoid the swirling daze the room was becoming. “This is going to be fun.”

I don’t feel like describing the next hour. I didn’t have any more alcohol and I slowly felt better as time went on. Around the half hour mark, Dash left with some slut. I didn’t even catch her name, I just knew Dash was getting laid. I hoped for her sake that the slut didn’t have any STDs.

I did a number of things that included dancing with and grinding on a number of chicks, passing on a few offers of sex, getting molested by a lot of people feeling up my wings, and a few other minor enjoyable things.

I was taking a short break at the bar when the tall and awkward Ryan showed up. “Where’s Rarity?” I asked as soon as I saw him alone.

“She decided to stay with the other two.” If my mind hadn’t been fucked sideways, I would have immediately went to go find her. As it was, the thought never occurred to me.

“Well, whatever.” I tapped my knuckles on the bar. “Whiskey and coke on the rocks, if you would,” I said to the bartender. He nodded and went off to get my order. Word probably got around that I was with Rebecca or Elise or whatever she was calling herself. Either that or Aaron was still buying. “We’re gonna get you laid, man.”

He gulped unsteadily. “That easy?” he nervously asked.

“That easy,” I confirmed. The bartender dropped off my request and I passed it to Ryan. “Down that. Small confidence booster.”

“Uh… I can’t… Well, I’m not supposed to…”

“Dude, it’s one drink.”

“Well, us system admins, we’re not supposed to ever get drunk.”

“You can’t get drunk off that tiny bit of alcohol. Drink it.” He sighed and lifted it up to his mouth. “I see what you’re about to do, and you’re going to do it wrong. Don’t sip it. Down that shit, fast and hard.” He licked his lips and sighed before doing as I ordered. As soon as he swallowed it, he set the glass down on the blue coaster I set out for him, choking and sputtering. “It’s a good burn, yeah? Alright, you ready?”

He nodded, still trying to stop coughing. I let him catch his breath and say, “Yeah,” before I hopped off the stool.

I looked around the room and called out, “Hey, who wants to break in a virgin?” I made sure to be loud enough to be heard over the music.

Ryan choked again as everyone looked our way. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

A small group of three chicks walked over, each wearing smiles. “We’d be interested,” the one up front said. “Who’s going to get the honor?”

“My friend here,” I said, waving an arm at Ryan. “Do be gentle.”

She licked her lips, looking him up and down. “I’ve heard things about the tall guys. We’ll break him in and he’ll love every second.” Her two friends each grabbed one of his arms and pulled him out of his seat. The leader grabbed a fistful of his shirt. Together, they dragged his surprised and stammering form away.

“That was easier than I thought,” I said to myself, sitting back down and turning around, about to order something else. I came face to face with Rebecca instead.

“I see you took care of your friend,” she said, her eyes flicking toward where he was being dragged into a small private room.

“I’m ready and waiting for your ministrations… mistress.” Stupid, probably. Fun, hopefully. Worth it? Well, let’s just say that there are limits to what I want to put in my journal.

I did learn a few things, though. One, that tongue piercings are awesome. Two, that she was a goth and had a thing for corruption, meaning my wings were dyed black. Three, the Cherry Stem was connected to the illegal club and Elise owned both.

And finally, I learned that it’s never a good idea to fall asleep handcuffed to a bed with someone that only gets control of their body every four days.

I woke up to a shrieking in my ears and tried jerking away, only to realize that I probably wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry. The nude and sexy bottom of Rebecca disappeared out the door before I realized what was happening. Fuck.

A few seconds later, she walked back in, talking to herself. I saw that her eyes were red again. “Sorry about that,” she said after a moment. “It’s Molly’s day today. I was hoping she would know better by now.” I grunted. “Yeah, yeah.” She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the keys and set about unlocking me. I removed the gag from my mouth as soon as I had the chance.

“That was certainly unique,” I said, working moisture back in my mouth.

She grinned and said, “I would offer to go again, but I think Molly’s getting impatient. She might demand a tea party if you’re still here when I let her take over.”

I quickly hopped out of bed and found my clothes. “I’ll get out of your hair quickly, then. Maybe if I’m still here in a few days, I’ll stop by again.”

“I’d definitely like that. Before you do go, would you like to meet the others?”

I debated it internally as I put my pants on. Finally, I said, “Well, it would be rude to not meet my hosts.”

“Well, you already know me. I’m around eighteen or so. Molly is eight or nine, I think—you better keep your pony friends away from her. Elise is in her middle twenties. She’s the original and it’s her body. Rogers is… Well, do you happen to know who Mister Rogers was?”

“Yeah. I loved that guy. Don’t tell me… Is he based off Mister Rogers?”

“He is. He and Molly tend to go off and do things together while I’m… entertaining guests. I’ll introduce you to him first.”

She blinked and her eyes opened blue. S/he looked down at himself and sighed. “I always tell her to be more careful around Molly.” His or her voice was much more even and calmer than it had been, though it had the same pitch. “Hello there, Navarone. I’m Mister Rogers, as she said. I handle the management and the finances of the club. It may not be what I’m used to, but if it makes people happy and it keeps the others satisfied, then I’m happy to help.”

“How close are you to the real Mister Rogers?”


“…Can I hug you?”

He opened his arms and I went in. “No homo,” I said as I hugged him.

“Mister Rogers has left the building,” Elise said, pulling back from the hug. “Or at least, the active part of it. I’m Elise.” Her eyes were a dull green. “I handle everyday life, when the others aren’t or can’t cover it.”

“What’s it like, sharing your body like this?”

“Well, I was terrified of it at first. I was one of the first people to try accepting the ‘disorder’ for the blessing it was and molding my mind around it. I kept thinking I was going to mess up and either get stuck with one of the more violent ones or murder all of them, but it ended up working out very well.”

“But what’s it like, I mean? Where do you go when you aren’t the active one?”

“We can watch, if we want. It’s always interesting to see what the others do with my body. And if I ever need to step in, all I have to do is ask them.” She walked over to a pink clothing drawer and pulled out some very girly clothes. “It’s different, but it means that I can have three other people working on a problem at once. I’m never lonely and I can always offer a fresh perspective on any kind of problems. If I was actually trained or built my mind around intelligence rather than personality, I could probably be one of the richest people on the planet. But… it’s Molly’s turn now. Can you put on a shirt?”

“Yeah.” I started pulling it on. “So you’re just okay with Rebecca using your body like that?”

She grinned. “Who’s saying I wasn’t watching—or helping?”

With a blink, her eyes changed to pink. “Hi! Sorry about screaming at you… That big meanie pranks me every time it’s my turn. At least this time we weren’t connected by anything. Oh yeah, I’m Molly! Where’s your pony?” Her voice was much higher, now.

“I don’t know, actually. I need to find them all.”

“Ooh, can I come?”

“…Uh. Ask Elise.”

One of her eyes went green while the other stayed pink. “Can I go with Navi?”

I shook my head slightly, trying to get Elise to say no. I really didn’t want a grown woman with the mind of a little girl following me around to fuck with my friends.

Elise seemed to have gotten the message, because she answered with her voice, “I’m afraid not. You know you have a play date with Hunter today.”

“Oh yeah!” The green eye went away and both became pink again. “Maybe we can play later?”

“Maybe, if I’m still around.” I could pawn her off on Rarity or something. “It was nice meeting you, Molly. Could you point me to the way out?”

She pointed behind me, where I saw a very large man with his arms crossed, ready to smack my shit in. “Right this way,” he said. I followed him through some halls, making no hostile moves. “Thank you for visiting and whatever,” he said, showing me out the door. For some reason, I got the feeling that her personal bodyguards didn’t like being woken up early in the morning by screams.

Thankfully, her room was located in the illegal part of the club, so I was shown the door to the black market area instead of the place I would be found and turned in for breaking curfew. Honestly, I had no idea what to do. Going back could mean my stuff would get taken away, while staying out for even longer could mean that my punishment would be worse if the damn spell didn’t wear off as fast as I was expecting.

I decided to give it a few hours, since I was lost anyway. I roamed around the black market, looking for the med bay. I was definitely regretting my lack of a shower and that I hadn’t been able to clean the dye off my wings.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance. When I finally went to ask for directions, I felt a pulling sensation. I looked around, trying to figure out who was trying to get my attention.

When I looked behind me, I came face to tentacle and went flying into a unicorn. I heard the screaming kick in again and knew that I was back in Equestria.

I picked myself off the pony I had been thrown into and reached into my bag. I pulled out the base of my rifle and started putting it together while the unicorns attempted to fend off the monster.

Oddly enough, right as I loaded the magazine in, the monster just completely stopped. “What’s going on?” Dash asked, looking at it.

“No clue,” I answered, casually aiming my gun at it. I wasn’t about to take chances, after all. I looked around to make sure all four of us were accounted for. I knew Dash was here. I saw Fancy Pants looking ready to charge the monster. I saw Rarity with saddlebags full of what looked like shitty comics. She was behind Fancy Pants, looking somewhat ready to charge.

“You know,” she said, looking at the tentacle monster, “that thing reminds me of one of the things those kind fellows showed me.”

Dash and I looked her way. “They… They showed you tentacle porn?” I asked. I was wishing I could go back to hurt them, at that point.

“Well, I was curious about hentai. They taught me quite a lot…”

“There are no words for my disappointment,” I sighed, shaking my head. I rolled my shoulders and looked at the monster. “So what do we do with this thing?” I asked aloud, hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

“It worked?” one of the unicorns asked, looking at us. “It worked! We sent them back in time!”

And just like that, the incident with the monster was seemingly forgotten. It was quickly ushered out by some guards as we were barraged with questions.

Of course, the fun ended prematurely when some royal guards showed up in the large summoning room. “Navarone, Prince Shining Armor requires your presence immediately.”

I slung the rifle over my shoulder and nodded. “Alright. Where’s he at?”

“We’ll lead you to him, sir,” the same guy said.

“Cool. I just need to grab something from the locker here and I’ll be good to go.” I walked over to the locked chest and took my ring out of it. “Alright, lead the way.” The guards walked past me to the entrance hall of the giant floating rock. “Dash, feel free to go home without me. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“You got it. But… what happened to your wings, man?”

I grinned. “Rebecca.” She just shook her head as I followed the guards.

It was quite a long walk to the castle, and most of it was in silence. “So how did you guys even know where I was?” I eventually asked.

“The guards we have stationed at the gate informed us you were going toward the tower.”

I shrugged, taking that an acceptable answer. The walk of silence continued. I got a few strange looks for my wings, but for the most part, I was ignored. It was a nice contrast. I think I preferred being home, but constantly getting stared at was annoying as hell.

When we finally got to the palace, they led me to Shiny’s office. As soon as they knocked on his door and announced me, I was immediately ushered in. “Sit, N—Sweet Celestia, what happened to your wings?!”

“A night of awesome sex.” I sat down in the chair in front of his desk, setting the bags I had been carrying next to me. “That’s a story for another time, if you really care. What do you need?”

He sighed, looking down at his desk. “To apologize, first off. Sulking off after the games was unbecoming of anypony, let alone the captain of the guard and a prince.”

“Chill, man. I know how it is. Now that you got your panties unwadded, I can start teaching you how to fight a real war.”

“What? Nav, nothing you did in those games was anything approaching something that I would expect to see in a ‘real war.’”

“Yeah, and that’s why you lost. If you wouldn’t expect it, what makes you think anyone else would? I mean, if you don’t want to learn, I’m okay with letting the night guards win every war game in the future. Just have fun taking heavy losses in any actual war that crops up between you and anyone else.”

He sighed. “Very well. But it can be later. I have other news. Princess Luna and her night guard found and eradicated the den of assassins that were going after Cadance and Skyla. Can she stay in your fortress for another month or two while we make absolutely sure that all loose ends are tied up?”

I sighed. “Another few months of a crying baby that despises me and wants to make my life hell? And Skyla too? Come on, man.”

“It’ll feel like just a few days, Nav. Please?”

I rolled my eyes. “Have them gone before fall ends. Hell, what happened to going to that little place Celestia was giving you as a fief?”

“Postponed until this disaster is dealt with. Honestly, I don’t think either of us really wants to go, but it’s what Celestia wants.”

“You should tell her to fuck off. That’s what I would do.”

“Not everypony is as suicidal as you are, Nav.”

“Their loss. Is there anything else you need? I want to get back before Luna wakes up or Celestia learns that I’m here.”

“I don’t know why you want to keep avoiding them. Well, actually I can understand why you want to avoid Princess Luna. She was rather displeased with me after the war games.”

“That’s what you get. I’m heading home, then. You got any messages for Lovebutt?”

“Just my love.”

I stood up, grabbing my bags. “I’ll make sure to give her a kiss for you, then.” He snorted as I opened the door and ran right into a familiar night guard that was about to knock. “What do you need, Smiles?” I asked as I stepped into the hall.

“Princess Luna wants to see you,” he said.

I started walking aimlessly down the hall, trying to get away from Shiny’s door and the guards on it. When we were far enough away, I stopped and said, “I will give you the best kiss you’ve ever had in your life if you tell her that you were too late to find me.”

“I dunno, Nav… I could lose my job for that.”

“If she fires you, I’ll hire you. I need a security guard and a house sitter.”

He looked up and down the hall nervously. Finally, he said, “Deal.”

I knelt down and brought a hand behind his head, pulling him in. I then proceeded to use all the combined skills I had gained from numerous lovers to give him the best make-out session of his life. When I finally pulled away, I saw that he was standing at full mast, ready for some action.

“Now, I need to go,” I said, standing up. “Remember, you were too late to find me.”

“…Right,” he sighed, his eyes still closed.

I started sprinting down the hall looking for an open window, my bags and shit bouncing around me. I jumped out the first one I found and started the long flight home.

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