Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


91. Chapter Seventy-Five—Thank God I’m chaotic something Part 2

“Why are we all the way down here?” she asked, looking around the few people staring at us.

“Get outta the heat,” I answered. “I don’t know if the lesbos called the police or whatever. I need to find a place to ditch this piece, too.” God knows I didn’t want to get caught with a stolen gun.

“What piece?” she asked, looking around me. “Also uh… You’re missing some feathers, dude.”

“I know. I felt them rip out when I smacked the first bitch. Guess I know what that little shit meant when he said I’d get plucked.” It should have been more obvious, now that I think about it.

“You know we’re going to need to go up several levels, right?” she asked.

“I know. We’ll be fine.” She started muttering, but I was ignoring her. I was just looking for an elevator to go up a floor.

I found one a few minutes later and we stepped into it, happy to get off the dingy lower level. I checked the map again to make sure we were heading the right way. It was still a few levels up, but we were definitely walking the right way.

“This place really is big,” she said as we stepped out of the elevator. “It’s gotta be as big as Canterlot!”

“Wish you coulda seen Manhattan or something. That city would have blown your damn mind. There are skyscrapers there that would go up to Canterlot from the bottom of the mountain. Wonder if they ever rebuilt the Twin Towers.” I didn’t care enough to look it up, though.

“What happened to them?”

“Oh, they got blown up by suicide bombers. Long story.” I kept walking until I noticed she had stopped. “What?” I asked, turning back around.

“How can you just… Ugh.” She continued walking and on we went. “Humans are crazy!”

“You can’t let a few angry lesbians color your entire perspective, Dash. Bitches be trippin’, man. Although I suppose we all have a hint of crazy in us.”

She continued muttering as we walked. I rolled my eyes and started scratching at her ears, trying to calm her down. She sighed and leaned into my hand, her muttering stopping. By the time I figured we were far enough away both length wise and time wise from the lesbian incident, I started looking for another elevator and stopped scratching at her.

Soon enough, we were on the correct level, walking through a surprisingly quiet ‘industrial’ level. She was looking around, probably expecting more.

“I was kind of expecting more,” she said. “The factories in Equestria are so much bigger. And louder.”

“I guess we figured out how to make things silent. Or maybe nothing is open. I don’t really know.” Maybe they’re waiting for the end of the world before they start building.

There were considerably fewer people out and about in this area, probably since nothing seemed to be open. “This is kinda creepy, Nav,” Dash said, looking around the large empty area. “I don’t see anypo—one.”

“It’s just not active right now. Everyone’s probably busy.” Ain’t no telling where they are, though.

She sighed and we kept going. We slowly started seeing more people as we got closer to Ralph’s place, but they weren’t exactly the kind of people I was happy to see. Most of them looked like rough-and-tumble fucking survivalists, rather than the relatively normal people that inhabited most of this place. I could see them eyeing us with suspicion, many of them wearing camo and appearing to be packing hidden heat.

I slowly put my hands in my pockets, wrapping one of my hands around the little pistol I nabbed from that lady. I have no idea if it was loaded or not, but I wasn’t about to get shot by a jumpy fucking survivalist bastard.

We just kept walking until we were finally in front of a place called Ralph’s Rapid Repairs. I groaned again at the name before we walked inside.

“How can I—whoa,” the dude behind the counter said, looking at us.

“Yeah, we’re awesome,” I said. “You Ralph?”

“…Who’s asking?” the man asked.

“A friend of Jake, someone who survived Purg.”

He picked the bell off the countertop and pressed a button that was hidden under it. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a hidden passage. “I want to hear your story later,” he said. “For now, go on through.”

For once, I actually had a good feeling about something. I nodded to the dude and started walking through the hidden door, Dash warily following me. “Nav, what is this place?” she asked.

“No clue,” I whispered. I was confused, but I didn’t think anything bad would happen. We kept walking down the dimly lit staircase until it bottomed out into a small lobby, a single older man sitting behind a desk, his hands clasped together on top of his desk.

“So who sent you?” he quietly asked.

“Dude named Jake,” I answered. “He was in a group of teens.”

“Do you know why you are here?” he asked.

“To be honest? No clue at all.”

“Sit.” He nodded at the chair on the other side of the desk. I pulled it back and sat. “Navarone, what do you know of this facility?”

“Full of survivalists, built to last the end of the world.”

“Correct. Partially correct, that is. It is full of survivalists, but it is run by a company. A company that has an interest in keeping its people clean. However, everyone has a vice. Do you see where I am going with this?”

I could feel a grin slowly forming on my face. “You are a… supplier of entertainment of a more illicit sort. You supply goods that certain people in positions of power aren’t too keen on having in their bunker.”

“So you understand. And what do you think about that, Navarone?”

“At the end of the day, whatever makes you happy—as long as it doesn’t affect anyone else negatively—isn’t a bad thing.”

I could see a small smile on his face as he said, “Welcome to the Black District, the bunker’s home of everything illegal. If you have anything to trade—that isn’t credits—you can trade it here and get almost anything you could ever want. Drugs, weapons, equipment, you name it, you can find it. You try and double-cross us, you won’t survive the night. We have a club or two where you’ll have no problems getting laid. Any questions?”

“Yeah. How is this possible?” I asked. “Doesn’t Google monitor everything? How can this place even exist in a bunker built to certain specifications?”

“Money, Navarone. My employers are very wealthy. When this place was created, they arranged to have areas set aside for activities they knew would be happening that are less than legal. Some people want to survive the end of the world, but not everyone wants to do it sober. Some people see the end coming and decide… Why be sober for the most depressing event in history? That was the viewpoint of my employers, and here we are.”

I sighed and muttered, “It all comes down to money.” I just shrugged and asked, “Can I bring anyone else with me?”

“Your blue friend there. She is here now, she knows of us. We would have to do background checks on anyone else you might know.”

“Fair enough. Do you take gold for trade?”

I think his mouth might have started watering at that. “We definitely do! You’d be quite popular if you start waving that around.” His smile dropped. “And not in all the right ways, either. Be careful, if you have a lot of gold. We keep this place well-guarded, but there might be incidents.”

“How do you guys feel about having a gun in your district?”

“Keep it hidden. You pull it out, you better be ready to shoot everyone, because they’ll all be immediately aiming at you.”

“What if I want to trade it?”

“Nice and slow, make sure you aren’t seen pointing it at anyone. Simple as that. Surprised to see the lackeys that run this place let you carry anything.”

I grimaced. “I got assaulted in the lesbo bar. Someone decided it would be a good idea to stick a gun in my back. She got a stool to the face. I got a new stub-nosed derringer.”

“Oh ho, so that’s why Jake brought you in. You aren’t wanted, are you?”

“Dude, I have no clue.”

He lifted a hand to the side of his face and I saw his eyes flash, turning from blue to white with some small black lines. One of his hands started typing across the desk, thudding against the wood. A few seconds later, he nodded. “You’re clean. The bar’s been cleaned out; looks like everyone’s arrested. The weapon you have is hot. Get rid of it before you leave the district. You linked?”


“Ugh. Do you have nanites?”


He nodded. “We’ll wipe this place from them before we send you out. That’s standard procedure. According to the report, one of them drugged you. Tell whoever asks that you passed out and your friend took you somewhere safe. Unless…” He looked over to Dash. “You got nanites?”

“…No?” she said, confused.

“Good enough. Now,” he said, looking back to me, “I don’t suppose you need a tour?”

“Is there a map?”

“There is a single map in the middle of the space we have. Just wander. If you need to find an exit, ask any of the guards. They’ll be the ones carrying the electro-rifles. You need anything else?”

I shrugged and looked back at Dash. She narrowed her eyes slightly and asked, “What’s the catch?”

“Simple. You betray us, you die. You tell no one about us, our services are yours… if you can pay. We just provide a service, Miss Dash. We would lose customers if we grew into the habit of stabbing the consumer in the back.”

She snorted in anger. “Nav, they’re criminals.”

“They’re criminals that have things I need. And he is absolutely correct. If this place is the real deal, we will be safer in there than we would be in the rest of the city. I am going in. You can stay here if you like.”

The man on the other side of the desk grinned and reached a hand under his desk, pressing a button. A moment later, the entire wall behind him started to slide open from a crack in the middle.

“It was a pleasure, Navarone,” the man said. “I knew we would be able to do business with you. I will send a wave out to warn the guards of every exit that your friend is excluded from the standard cleaning on every exit.” At my confused look, he said, “For the nanites.”

I nodded and stood. “Thanks for the information, then. Maybe we’ll see you around. Dash, you coming?”

She sighed and fell into step behind me, giving the desk and the man a wide berth as we walked around them and into the hole in the wall. “I don’t like this,” she whispered as we walked.

“I know. I’m pretty sure we’ll be fine.”

“‘Pretty sure’? That’s what you’re staking our safety on?”

I reached down and tousled her mane. “Trust me, Dash. When have I ever led you wrong?”

“Remember the first time you got me drunk?”

“You agreed to it!” She just huffed as we turned a corner and found the Black District Proper. Well, one part of it.

“Looks like Ponyville Market,” Dash said, looking around.

I shook my head. “No, it looks like the Catro Bazaar. You don’t see weapons in Ponyville.” It was a hell of a lot darker, though, and most of the people were wearing considerably fewer clothes. “Shall we?”

I didn’t wait for an answer, and just continued in. I had a small list of things I wanted, things I wasn’t certain I would be able to get in a normal place. And given the incident in the bar, I don’t know if any of us would be allowed into the city again anyway, so I knew I had to get what I could when I could. I had one of the pouches of gold with me, thankfully.

I led Dash over to one of the weapon suppliers, a guy that had some rather exotic looking methods of murder. The vendor’s eyes flicked to my wings before looking me in the eyes. “What you want, angel-boy?”

“Weapon modifications for an air rifle, carbine model.”

“What you got for trade?”

“Snub nose revolver, .38. And something a bit more… unconventional.” His eyes shot to Dash for a second before returning to me. “No, that’s fucked up. Let’s just say I have something you want.”

“Air weapon modifications are hard to find. Show me the secret, I see what I have.” I held out one hand in a placating gesture while I slowly reached into my pocket and into the pouch I had hidden there. I pulled out a single coin and flicked it over to him. He caught it out of the air and cupped it in his hand, eyeing it. He nodded before letting out a shrill whistle. An armed woman appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “Watch the stand. I be back soon. You two, come.”

He led the two of us into a side corridor, the three of us garnering a number of stares. I’m sure most of the people there were wondering what the hell someone like me had to offer in terms of trade, and what I could possibly want that would require going into a store room.

“Without the model number, finding the right mods will be tricky, not that many were made in the first place,” he said as we walked.

“I have the entire rifle in parts on my person,” I answered, patting one of my many pockets.

“That is good, it will save us time. Get out a part with the serial number.” We stopped in front of a seemingly empty wall. He pressed a hidden button and the wall split open, revealing a small storage area. “Come. Horse, wait here.”

“Who you calling a horse?!” Dash exclaimed, glaring at the guy.

He just grinned and walked in. I pulled out the bolt as I followed him. I passed it to him and he nodded. “Yes, I have a few things for this. I have to say this about Google, though: They get the best of everything, though they don’t always give the best out. Give me the little pistol, and all of the parts of your rifle. It’s easier to just replace everything with an upgraded model, though why you’d use a piece of shit like this is beyond me.”

“I’m going back to where I came from soon enough,” I answered as I pulled rifle parts out of my pockets. “I don’t have any way to make ammo for anything else. And apparently it’s impossible to use a solar charger to recharge plasma or laser rifle batteries.”

“Ooh, yeah. You’d need an actual generator for that. But you could power the generator with a lot of solar energy… Wouldn’t be feasible to carry that with you from here, though. It would definitely get noticed. You’ll definitely want the upgraded version, not that it’ll do you much with something like this. Can’t really decrease recoil or make it quieter. Just increase the power of the springs and the PSI, make it shoot faster and harder. Don’t let any military man see this thing. They see nonstandard parts in this, they start asking questions. They start asking questions, bad things happen.”

“I got it, mate. Stay quiet, stay safe.” I pulled out the last piece of the rifle. “That’s it.”

He nodded and pulled a rifle that looked almightily similar to mine out. “Scope’s very different, too. It’s detachable, letting you use the iron sights. Goes to twelve, thermal, light gathering, and a weak x-ray effect. Just remember: Even if you can see through a wall, doesn’t mean you can shoot through it.”

I looked the new rifle over carefully, trying to find how everything worked. Removing the scope was simple, and the iron sights seemed obvious enough. “How can I be certain it shoots?”

He took it from me and pulled a magazine from the same place he grabbed the rifle. He slid it in, pulled the chamber back, pulled the lever, and fired into the wall. The sliver of metal actually dented it before ricocheting. I hit the floor, not wanting to get hit. The vendor just laughed and popped the magazine out and pulled the bolt back, releasing the round. “It fires, angel-boy. Let me break it down for you.”

I got to my feet as he proceeded to do just that. I began putting pieces in my pockets as he broke it down. “What’ll it cost?” I asked as I hid the last piece away.

“The pistol, since you’re leaving the other pieces here.” He pulled the gold coin from wherever he had hidden it. “As much as it pains me to give this back, I can’t keep it.”

I shrugged and pocketed it. “Nice doing business with you, then. Is there a place I can get seeds in the market?”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Seeds? You lookin’ for drugs?”

“No, I’m looking for a fuckton of seeds. Coffee, apples, just about everything.”

“Oh, you’re looking for a Genesis Project. Yeah, you can find that here.”

“Good. Dash, come on.” I stepped back into the hall, heading back to the bazaar.

“Nav, what did you just get?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing big. Just remember: Tell no one about this place, and we’ll be fine.”

“I’m not stupid, Nav. I know an illegal place when I see it. I really, really don’t like this. It’s wrong and stupid. We shouldn’t be here.”

“I know that and you know that. However, we are here. I knew as soon as I saw that dude that telling him the wrong thing would end poorly. These are the kind of people that would slit our throats and care only insofar as the hope that they don’t get blood on their suit. Just play it cool, keep quiet, and we’ll be fine. I just need to get some more stuff and we can get the hell out of here and back to safer areas.” Until I can ditch her and come back to this place by myself, of course. I wasn’t expecting Dash of all people to go lawful fucking good on me.

“Just as long as we get out of here quickly,” she muttered, looking around the bazaar we had just reentered. “I mean, everypo—one isn’t staring at me, but it’s still… wrong.”

I didn’t answer, just started looking for the place where I could get whatever a ‘Genesis Project’ was.

“Nav, what is all this?” she asked, looking around the marketplace. There really weren’t that many people around, mostly just vendors talking amongst themselves, occasionally casting glances at us. The space itself was barely open; it was a dimly lit hall, with the occasional pillar coming off the ceiling for some reason or another. If I had to guess, I would say it was around the size of half a football field. I could see about two dozen people walking around the stalls, with about one guard for every four people. There were about fifteen or so stands set up here and there, so it wasn’t really hard to see everything. Most of it was drug or weapon related, stuff I didn’t really need.

“Drugs and weapons,” I answered. “Things we want no part of. Listen to no offers and accept nothing free.” She didn’t answer, which thankfully saved me from explaining the joys of addiction.

I didn’t see anything like what I wanted, so I found a guard that looked like he wasn’t doing anything important. “Hey, can you tell me where I can find a place to buy seeds?”

He looked me up and down before saying, “You want drug seeds or something else?”

“Something else. Coffee, stuff you can eat.”

He nodded to the side, where I could see a corridor a few meters away. “That way. Follow the signs. You’re looking for the greenhouse.”

“Awesome. Thanks, man.” He just nodded as I led Dash down to the door leading to the corridor. There were a few signs pointing to different areas. We followed the ones saying ‘greenhouse.’ After a few minutes of walking, I started hearing singing.

“You hear that?” I asked, cocking my head.

“Yeah. I heard it a minute or two ago. Why?”

“It sounds… God, I swear I recognize that voice…” I continued walking. I think my pace picked up as we walked to where the singing was coming from. “That song…”

“Nav? You alright?”

“Patti Page,” I whispered, taking another step closer to the door I could hear the lovely voice coming from. “Holy hell, man. I never expected to hear that again!”

I don’t know what all I was expecting when I turned the last corner into the greenhouse, but a young lady singing as she watered her flowers was actually pretty high on the list, and that is exactly what I got. The ‘greenhouse’ wasn’t anything like a greenhouse that I knew. It was still another metal-bound room, but there were ultraviolet lamps all around and green plants everywhere. Vines were growing down the walls and flowers were rather prominent.

And in the middle of it all was a pretty young woman in a day dress watering her flowers and singing.

I finished the last line in a whisper while she finished it in her song voice, “You belong to me…”

I smiled and gently clapped. “Lovely voice, my lady,” I said, stepping inside. She swirled around, staring at me with wide eyes and blushing. When I got a good look at her face, I realized that ‘pretty’ was just about all there was to it. I couldn’t call her beautiful or sexy, just pretty. She had a simple body, not that I could see much of it through the dress. “I’m surprised to see the old songs still have fans.”

“I…” Her eyes jerked to my wings and her eyes widened even more. “N-nobody’s ever… heard me sing before!”

“You should change that,” I said, continuing inside. Dash followed me, looking around. “Apparently Dash and I don’t count as people, though, so you don’t have to worry about your record being tarnished.”

The young lady finally noticed Dash and the look of fear on her face disappeared, replaced by one of surprise. “A pony!” she squealed before sprinting across the room and very fiercely hugging Dash. “Oooh, you’re so adorable!”

Dash, of course, looked very confused by that. I continued walking into the greenhouse, trying to find someone in charge from which I could buy. There were no other ways out of the room and there didn’t look to be any other people here. I casually ambled my way back to the two and found that the young lady was going through a list of things she wanted to do with Dash, which include petting her, brushing her mane, combing her wings, cleaning her hooves, and a few other things.

Dash’s eyes were wide and her pupils were retracted to pinpricks.

“You know she can talk, right?” I said as I walked back to them.

The woman pulled back from her and looked at me, horror on her face. “She can what.”

Dash took that opportunity to back away from her. “I can talk,” she said, looking at the girl in confusion. “You didn’t know that?”

I swear I think she was about to cry. Either way, the blush of embarrassment returned in full force, covering her entire face. “I… I didn’t know! Oh, please don’t be mad!”

I always find the strangest fucking people. Christ. “Relax. It takes more to piss Dash off than that.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Nav warned me about—” She stopped herself from presumably saying ‘people like you,’ and instead finished with, “Things like this happening.” I applauded her in my mind; it seems Dash was learning at least some tact. “If you still want to do some of that stuff, though…” She grinned lasciviously, “I wouldn’t say no.”

I decided then and there that I was going to work with Dash on her sexy voice.

The lady blushed even harder at that as she fell back, away from Dash. “I-I couldn’t! You can talk!”

Dash jerked as if slapped and I felt my eyebrows lifting. I saw the look on Dash’s face and decided to step in before things got unpleasant. “Anyway,” I said, putting a hand on Dash’s neck, “I need to get some seeds and I was told to come here. Who can I talk to about that?”

“That would be me,” a new voice said, coming from the doorway. “These two bothering you, Millie?” I looked over at the new person and found that I was looking at a bona fide midget. Oh God, Dash, please don’t say a fucking word.

“Who’s this kid?” she asked, turning to face him.

I smacked her on the back of the head. “Ignore her. She’s new here.” And she was also glaring at me. “Someone I spoke to said to ask about a Genesis Project.”

“Oh, you want the all-in-one package. And to answer your question, I’m Big Mike. And I ain’t no fucking kid. Say it again, I’ll show you why they call me Big Mike. You, angel-boy, come with me.”

“Fucking hate these wings,” I muttered as I followed the dwarf to the side of the greenhouse.

“Now, these packs ain’t cheap,” he said as he stood in front of a large box. “Only the ultra-survivalists even bother getting them, since our benevolent overlords have plenty.”

“What kinda expensive we talkin’, here?”

He looked over at me. “The kind where I need to see the money before I open this gene-lock.”

I shrugged and pulled out a gold piece. “This enough?”

He took it from me and looked it over. “What’s this say?”

“Something about ‘Equestrian legal tender’ or some bullshit. Either way, it’s gold, through and through.”

“I shouldn’t trust it… But we all got messages about you. You ain’t from around here. Even if this ain’t gold, it’s unique. Fair trade.” He pressed his finger on the lock of the box and it hissed open. “You want everything, or something specific?”

“I don’t care about grass or common trees, if that’s what you’re asking. I mostly want fruit, vegetables, coffee, rubber… Anything that can be useful in ways that aren’t just paper. And I need to be able to hide the bag on my person.”

“Alright, I can make that work. Come back in an hour and I’ll have it ready for you.”

“An hour?”

“Hey, if you just wanted a complete package, I’d give you one. You want some specific stuff. I need to look things up and make an entirely new package. An hour is rushing it.”

I sighed. “Alright. What can we do in this place for an hour?”

“In the Black District? Man, what can’t you do here? Since you ain’t from here, I’d look into getting some heavy implants at the clinic. Never know when you might need some of that stuff. If pleasure’s more your thing, look for the club. Watch out for the owner, though; with them wings on your back, she’ll—or he’ll, depending on her mood—will be all over you.”

“…How does gender vary by mood?”

He gave me a surprised look before nodding. “Forgot you ain’t from around here. Multiple personalities. Back in the day, that was diagnosed as a mental disorder. Now it’s a bit more… open to interpretation. Some people attempt to have it cured, some people go out of their way to foster it. She fostered it, and has three others living in her head. One of them is a guy.” What is this, Blindsight?

“That’s… weird as fuck, but okay.”

He nodded. “Yep. Just watch her eyes. Blue, it’s a man. Anything else, it’s a female. If you want to keep shopping, look for the signs to the market. What you walked through when you first came in was just an offshoot, the beginner’s area.”

“Alright. Thanks, man. We’ll get out of your hair for now, then.” He just waved me away, walking over to a computer desk. I walked back to Dash and found her still trying to talk to an increasingly nervous Millie. “Come on, Dash.”

She sighed and fell into step beside me. “Where we going now?”

“The bigger market.” In a way, I wanted to try the club, but in another way I didn’t want another Kat. Especially a Kat that I had warning about and that I knew had multiple personalities. Implants would be risky given my body and the fact that I get manipulated by magic a lot.

“Ugh. I hate shopping.”

“Well, unless you feel like going to a club and me possibly getting raped by a certified insane club owner, that’s our only option for an hour.”

“Well when you put it THAT way…”


An hour later, we returned to the midget’s little greenhouse. Neither of us got anything because there was nothing really that worth getting. The club probably would have been more interesting, but I refused to take that kind of chance.

Millie saw us as we walked in and quickly relocated to the far corner of the greenhouse. Mike the small person looked up when he saw her edging back and waved us in. “Got your package ready, if you know what I mean.”

I walked over, saying, “If by that you mean you have my plant seeds, then I’m here to pick them up.”

He grinned and held out a sealed box. “You’re good, I’ll give you that. This is everything you wanted. You also got a mem stick with info on how to take care of them. It’s all labeled, don’t you worry. Just press your thumb right in the middle there.” I did so. “Genelocked to you,” he said.

I took the box. “Thanks, man. Tell Millie we’re sorry for disturbing her.”

“Yeah, she’s excitable, but she’ll be fine.”

And just like that, Dash and I were back on the move. “Where to now?” she asked.

“We’re getting out of here and going back to legal places.”

“Finally!” Thankfully, I had taken the time to find an exit while we were wandering for an hour. We started walking that way. “Although it does seem like a waste to leave without doing anything fun…”

“Dash, you don’t want any part of some of the stuff we might find here. Sure, some of it might be innocent sex and perverted one night stands, but I don’t want to run the risk of another drug-fueled orgy. Especially not when I could get addicted.”

“Yeah, I know… Still, it seems strange.”

“Eh, you’ll get over it.” If this was a shitty book, we would have gotten stopped by armed guards hired by the owner of the club, forcing us to go there.

Good thing this isn’t a shitty book. We got to the exit with no issues. The guard did stop us before we left, though. “You need to be cleaned,” he said, pulling out a small device.

“Do what you gotta do.” He nodded and lifted the device to my ear. I heard a click and felt the same sensation as when my other self asked me to pull some memories out.

“Man, this must be some kinda new model or something,” the guard said as he pulled away. “I’ve never seen that kinda effect before.”

I just shrugged. “We clear to leave, then?”

“Let me check.” I saw one of his eyes go completely white before an image superimposed on it. “Yeah, the other side is clear.” He reached behind him and pressed a part of the wall. “Quickly, now.”

Dash and I wasted no time getting to the other side of the wall. I had no idea where we were offhand, but I think we were still in the industrial area. I picked a direction and started walking. The hidden door swiftly closed behind us. “Welcome to the life of an agent of the crown,” I told her as we walked.

Celestia told you to get those seeds?” she asked.

“Nope. But this is the kind of stuff I have to do sometimes. Now, just one more stop before we can head back. I think I want to call it a bloody day.”

“What about… my problem?”

“If worst comes to worst, I’ll just treat you like a piece of meat and tenderize you. I’m sure I can get your body to shut up somehow. If not that, I’ll distract you. That lesbian bar is definitely a bust. Without going to a club and finding a woman with less than exemplary morals, that’s our best option.”

She sighed. “Maybe tomorrow, then.”

“Doesn’t it start tonight?”

“Well, yeah. You can rut me tonight and then we can try to find somepony else so you don’t have to buck me tomorrow night, too.”

“That’s doable. You’re awfully accepting of this, despite resorting to fucking a guy.”

“Nav, you’re cool, and I trust you. It will be… weird, having sex with you as a guy, but I’ll be fine.”

“…Sex with me as a guy?”

She looked away, blushing. “Well, after you showed me that gender stone, I had a few dreams…” God dammit, Luna.

“Well, I guess I’ll make your dreams a reality. Sort of.”

She flicked me with her tail. “You’re terrible, Nav. Now what’s this one last stop we have to make?”

“I need some bags. Hopefully it won’t take long.”

“I hope not, too. You seem to have a knack for getting into weird and zany adventures.”


Not long later, we were finally on the elevator going back down into the depths, where I was hoping a great evil hadn’t been awakened. If we happened to get in trouble for what happened at the bar, I knew there was a good chance we wouldn’t be able to get back into the city at all. Thus, the great beast would be awoken.

I didn’t worry Dash with that, because honestly she should have been able to figure it out herself.

“I didn’t mention it before, but… Those were some awesome moves, Nav,” she said as we rode the elevator down. “The way you took down those jerks at that bar was awesome!”

“All I did was swing a bar stool around. I take it you’ve never been in a bar fight?”

“Is that a thing here? Bar fights are common?”

“I wouldn’t say common, but they aren’t unheard of. Ain’t nothing wrong with a spot of drunken fighting.”

“We weren’t drunk, though.”

“Yeah, but not for lack of trying. Whatever that bitch gave me was strong. I’m probably going to sleep good tonight from the drug she put in it.”

The elevator dinged open and we started walking down the hall. “So what do you mean you’re immune to drugs?”

“Oh. It’s kind of interesting, actually. During the week of Cadance’s wedding, Twilight poisoned herself with hate poison and then used acid to melt all of my internal organs and most of my bones. Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis used magic to rebuild my insides, but since my genetic code has been drastically altered, what grew back wasn’t a human’s insides, it was something that was a mix between animal and plant. Because of that, most normal drugs don’t work as well on me.”

“Nav, that doesn’t make much sense.”

“Hey, it’s magic. I ain’t gotta explain shit.” She just rolled her eyes as we continued walking. “You handled yourself pretty well too, though. I imagine most ponies would have panicked at the sight of blood.”

“Not the Dash! I… may not have been in any big fights, but I’ve done a ton of karate training! I couldn’t freeze up and leave my bro hanging like that.”

“Glad you didn’t, either. I would have hated to incapacitate the entire damn bar to get you out.” That and I don’t really think I could have.

When we got to my room, we found two armed and armored guards outside the door, who lined up in front of the hall when they saw us coming. “Navarone, we have some questions for you,” one of them said.

I nodded. “We gonna answer them here or somewhere else?” I asked.

“Here is fine,” the same one said. “You aren’t in trouble, so don’t worry.” I wasn’t really that worried anyway. “Give us your version of what happened at the Red Carpet.”

“My friend here is a lesbian. I knew that bar catered to her type. I took her there in the hopes of getting her laid, with the plan that I would leave her there. When we stepped inside, the bartender asked us both to sit down. I mentioned that I was planning on leaving, she told me to sit anyway. She then gave me a drink on the house that she later mentioned was drugged. We shared a few words about the nature of my friendship that would get me to conquer the stigma of entering a gay bar for my friend. She then had her bouncer come up behind me and wrench my wings back. The bartender pulled out a strap on and said she was going to rape me. I decided it would be a good time to split, and fell backwards off the stool. I then used it as a weapon to batter my way to freedom. One lady pulled a gun on me, but I got it off her and used it to further my escape. When we were free, we ran.”

“And why didn’t you go to a security area immediately to report the crime?”

“I didn’t know where a security area was. Also, I panicked. The increased blood rush from my panicking must have kicked in the drug, despite my chemistry, and I passed out. Dash dragged me somewhere safe until I woke up again. I think I lost the gun sometime during all this, because I don’t have it on me anymore.”

“After you woke up, what did you do?”

“Went shopping. I needed some stuff in town.”

“Why didn’t you find a security area then?”

“I figured it would either be too late because they were already all arrested, or that you could just use the memories in my nanites to track the guilty parties down and arrest them and so it didn’t matter when I reported them.”

“Are you sure you don’t have the gun anymore?”

“Positive. I searched all my pockets, and I didn’t have these bags until after. That pistol is gone.”

The guy’s partner nodded. “Lie detector reads green. It fluctuated during some of that story, but it might just be his chemistry.” God, I wish I could see their faces. Fucking visors. “He doesn’t have the gun, though.”

“That’s the important part,” he partner said with a shrug. “Which way did you run when you left? If it’s still on the floor or something, we need to find it. I don’t want a kid getting a hold of it.”

“Shit, I think we ran left, coming out of the bar. I don’t remember much after that; it was somewhat of a mad dash.”

“Alright, we’ll focus the search that way. The three guilty parties were arrested, by the way. No action will be required on your part. They will be dealt with.”

I nodded. “Thanks for the info, officer. Are we free to go, then?”

“You got it. Have a nice day, and on behalf of Google, I apologize you had to be treated like that. It won’t happen again.”

“Excellent. No offense, but I hope I don’t see either of you again.”

“None taken.” He tapped his partner on the arm. “Come on.” They started walking the way we came, with us stepping to the side to let them pass. We were finally back to what I could temporarily call home.

“I feel like we should check on Fancy,” I said as I put my shit down.

“Eh, he’ll be fine. I do need to go talk to Rarity about something, though. I’ll be back over in a few minutes.”

“Take your time. There’s something wrong with her, or something. She needs to spend time with her friends. And remember to keep today’s adventures secret.”

“My lips are sealed.” And with that, she sauntered out.

I giggled when the door closed. “Won’t be sealed for long,” I whispered as I pushed my laptop and its charger into the laptop bag. I closed that one and put all the ammo in another bag. I then put the gun together and pushed it into the bag, angling it down so it stuck out as little as possible. After a moment of thought, I reached in and broke it down just enough that I could fit it into the bag without any of it showing.

I put a bag on either shoulder and went to the computer desk, sitting down. I figured I could fuck around until Dash got back. Then I could continue to fuck around, if you know what I mean.

The wait was a lot longer than I was expecting, actually. Forty-five minutes after she left, I heard a knock at my door. I closed what I had been doing—no one must know—and went to answer it. I was very surprised at what I found.

I looked down at Dash, wearing ‘sexy’ clothes. Rainbow-colored stockings rode all the way up to her haunches on her back legs. They were held up by thin straps attached to a makeshift saddle that forced her wings up and out. An uncomfortable looking pair of red lacy panties hugged the inside of her haunches, running tight against her wet goods. A simple pair of white socks adorned her front hooves, each with a pink stripe at the top. And to top it all off, a pink ribbon held her normally graceless hair back in a reserved ponytail.

And of course, there was the semi-manic look in her eyes that I knew I had seen before.

“As strange as this is,” I said, “you look pretty fucking sexy.” She seemed to let out a breath. “Now get in here. I don’t want to know what would happen if Fancy saw—or smelled—you like this.” She looked both ways before practically leaping through the door. I gently caressed a wing while closing the door. “Not that I’m complaining, but what’s with the getup?”

She shivered at my touch, moaning delightfully. “I-I spoke with Rarity. I’ve never been… with a stallion. She suggested I dress up for some reason. These panty things are really tight.”

“Well I know I’m going to enjoy unwrapping my little Rainbow of joy.” She groaned at that. I pulled the bags off my shoulders and hastily removed my shirt. “I’m doing this for you. Do you have any kind of preferences?”

“Well, normally I like being tied up and… well, used. But we don’t have any rope. And oooh, those dreams of you… I know you’ll be fine without the ropes.”

I grinned darkly. “I’ll love proving you right.”


(Clop is most definitely coming. This’ll be the end of the chapter, so feel free to stop if you don’t want to read it)


I moved one hand to one of her wings and slowly dragged it up, running my hands through her plumage. Her eyes shot open and I knelt down and reached under her chin with my other hand, kissing her while she moaned. Apparently Dash was a power submissive, and she put up no resistance as I explored her mouth.

Just as quickly as I had ambushed her with the kiss, I pulled away, sidestepping around her body and grasping her tail. I yanked it with one hand and brought my hand down on her flank with another, producing an amusing thwapping sound. “To the bed,” I ordered, slapping her well-toned ass again.

She hopped to obey, her wings fluttering as she trotted to the bed. She jumped onto her back, four legs held in the air like a begging dog. “It always amazes me how much heat can change a mare,” I said as I walked over, a grin forming on my face.

“Just ru—”

I yanked her tail rather hard and slapped her ass again, making her yelp. “Did your master say you could talk?” Her eyes widened, but she quickly averted them, knowing her place. “That’s what I thought. Good little pets get rewards…” I reached my hand down and rubbed at the slit hidden under her sopping panties. She gently moaned as I pushed the warm and wet fabric against her swollen folds. That moan turned into a gasp as I brought my other hand down sharply against her cutie mark. “And bad pets get punishments. What kind of pet are you, my little Dashie?”

“I’m… I’m a good pet,” she whispered, her eyes going down to where I was still gently rubbing her.

“Good.” With one hand, I reached around and slowly began pulling the panties off her, still rubbing the wet fabric into her with the other. When I could no longer both pull them off and rub her, I casually tore them off, throwing them aside. “Now does my little pet want her treat?” She hastily nodded. “Beg for it.”

“Please, master! Reward me!”

“Hmm? What have you done to deserve a reward? Why should you get a treat when your master doesn’t?”

Her ears laid back against her head. “I… I can make you happy, master. I just… I need it!”

I rolled my eyes. I knew if I didn’t give her something at this point, she might well decide to take it. You do not tease a mare in heat. “You’re lucky I’m a loving master.” I knelt down and got ready to taste the rainbow.

“Thank you, master!” I grabbed both of her legs and gently pulled them away, since I had been accidentally kicked before.

With no warning, I took a quick lick across her—“Holy sweet fuck you taste like skittles!”

“I… what?”

We should have done this sooner! I wasted no time turning Dash’s questions into moans of pleasure. I know ponies can sometimes taste like things of their color, but this… This was unbelievable. From the way her front hooves went to my head to try to guide me, she seemed to partially agree on the unbelievable status of it. “Sooo gooood!” she whispered as I attacked her with my tongue, doing my best to taste every inch of her tightness.

Long story short, I lost track of the time I spent eating her candy vag, finally tasting skittles for the first time in over four years. When I finally got my fill of her sweet juices, I pulled away, my chin dripping from her fluids. Her eyes were crossed, her tongue was lolling, and she had a tremendous blush on her face.

She snapped out of it when I slapped her across the flank again. “It is your master’s turn, pet.” She shook herself free, her eyes losing some of the mania present during heat.

“Y-yes, master.”

“Now clean my face of your filth.” She shivered with delight as she stretched to lean forward. My hand moving back down to tweak her clit probably had something to do with that. She finally managed to get next to me, and slowly licked my chin clean of her sweet fluids. “Your master treated you well. Now you’re going to treat him well.”

I pulled away from her and finally slid off my constrictive pants. They had been tight against me ever since I saw her in that sexy outfit. She blinked uncertainly when she saw me and I readied myself to slap her across the face, but she didn’t comment. Instead, she pushed herself up to get at me, trying to get my meat between her lips.

I grabbed her hair and held her back. “Do you think I’m going to stand while you use your unpracticed lips?” I snorted and contemptuously tossed her head to the side before taking a spot next to her. “On your knees. If you start doing a good job, I might massage your wings.”

When she heard that, she practically jumped off the bed and between my legs. She eagerly took my length in her mouth, immediately going down to the base. She proceeded to do nothing for the next ten seconds, just looking at me with her pretty pink eyes.

“Holy shit, you really don’t have any practice. Use your tongue! Let me see some bobbing! Bah, what kind of pet doesn’t know how to please her master? Maybe I should just lock you up for the next few days, see if you’re ready to actually pl—Oooh.” She finally took the hint and began doing things right. “Better. But I hope for your sake I don’t feel any teeth!”

She bobbed up and circled my head with her tongue before wrapping the entire head with her freaky horse tongue and slowly uncurling it. “Hmm… I may not have a sugar cube for my little pet pony, but if you keep that up, you’ll get something sweet.”

I finally reached one hand forward and rubbed at one of her ears. I could feel her smile and moan appreciatively, happy to know she was pleasing her master enough to give her any attention. “Keep on going, Dashie,” I whispered as she bobbed back down, using her tongue to circle all of me and heavily suck in.

I finally moved the hand down to the tip of one of her wings. Her eyes lit up as I slowly dragged my fingers against her feathers, making her feel oh so wrong but oh so right. “If you can make me cum soon, I’ll help you preen,” I said, smiling down at her.

Her eyebrows shot up and she redoubled her efforts, bobbing, slurping, licking, and sucking like a child with a lollipop. When I finally felt just about ready to burst, I gripped her head with both hands and forced her down onto me, letting her wings go. The surprise was enough to get her to grunt and jerk her tongue, finally sending me over the edge.

I felt myself twitch and sigh as I came inside Rainbow Dash, giving her a taste of my seed. “Good pets swallow,” I said, not letting her pull back. “And you’re a good pet, Dashie.”

When I heard her very noisily swallow and look up at me with bloodshot, teary eyes, I let go of the back of her head. She quickly pulled away from me, gulping in air.

“Now,” I said as she tried to regain herself, “I hope that’s enough to take the edge off for now. I’m really tired and want to go to bed.”

When she was able to talk easily again, she said, “I’m… fine. Can you just help me get this stupid saddle off?”

“Easy enough.” She quickly turned around and thrust her ass in my face again. I don’t know if she was trying to give me a hint or what, but I meant what I said. I undid the straps Rarity had in place and pulled the saddle off, tossing it away. “What about the socks?”

“…They’re warm and cozy.”

I grinned. “And so are you. Hop on up and let’s go to sleep.”

She met my grin with her own. “Awesome! You really are a good bro, Nav. Thanks for all… this. And sorry for having such a weird fetish. Just don’t tell anypony, or else.”

I shrugged. “No big. Let’s just sleep.” No more words were said as she hopped up on the bed with me and we both lied back down.

Well, no more words were said by either of us. Just as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, I heard the intercom click. “What the fu—”

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