Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


90. Chapter Seventy-Five—Thank God I’m chaotic something Part 1

I learned a valuable lesson that night: Never sleep in the same bed with Dash when both of us are sober. I was woken up by a rather painful kick to the stomach. When I groaned and rolled away from the violent sleeping pony, I realized two more things: I didn’t have a blanket over me because it was all over her, and that I was on the edge of the bed.

I sighed and stood up from the floor, looking over to see if Dash had even been disturbed. She looked like she was about as scrunched up as possible, using as much of the blanket as possible. And good God did she look cute as hell for some reason.

“I’ve been in Equestria too long,” I muttered as I walked over to the dresser to get clothes for the day. I knew I was due to be measured by a tailor or something, so I was hoping I could get clothes that actually fit me soon.

In the meantime, I took a shower and changed. It really was nice to have a human-sized shower; I had to hunch over to use any shower that wasn’t either in my house or in the palace.

When I got out, Dash was still in bed, lightly snoring. I checked my clock and found out that honestly I probably shouldn’t have been awake yet. That said, if Dash was going to kick me awake, I wasn’t going to share the curse of consciousness alone. I lifted one of my wings and brushed the tip of it across her nose, tickling her.

One of her hooves shifted to brush me away and she rolled over. I giggled and walked to the other side of the bed before repeating the process. Eventually she sneezed, jolting awake with a start. I ripped my wing back to my body and tried to hide my smirk.

“Finally awake, Dashie?” I pleasantly asked.

She groaned, rubbing her eyes. “I was having the weirdest dream. Did we ever go to Las Pegasus?”

“Nope. Ryan, you there?”

The intercom opened up. “Nope,” a female voice answered. “He’s off today. What do you need?”

“I don’t suppose you could give me your name?” I sweetly asked.

“I could, but I won’t.”

I shrugged and asked, “Then can you send food orders down to the kitchens?”

“I can do that. What do you want?”

Chili isn’t much of a breakfast food, so I wasn’t expecting them to have that. “Bacon and waffles. Dash?”

Dash grunted again and looked around blearily. “Whatever he’s having,” she tiredly answered, not really paying attention. As soon as she stopped speaking, she fell back into bed.

I was about to tell the intercom lady to not bother with her bacon, but she spoke up before I could with, “It’ll be there shortly, then.” I shrugged and figured I’d eat the bacon for her.

But… “Hey, can you also send coffee and some vitamin D up?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Awesome.” The intercom shut off and I looked back down at Dash, who seemed to be about to fall asleep again. I poked her a few times. She lightly kicked at me with a back hoof. I easily dodged and kept poking.

“Stupid morning ponies,” she sighed, turning on her side and curling up.

“Dammit Dash, how do you expect to deal with one night stands if you can’t get up in the morning?”

She sighed and uncurled, sitting up again. “Fiiiiine.” She rolled off the bed and caught herself like a cat before muttering something about a shower and walking to my bathroom, head low. She bumped into the wall next to the bathroom door since she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going. She shook her head and finally managed to get into the bathroom.

The intercom opened up again and the woman said, “So a pony, huh? Does that make you a horsefucker?”

“Hey, I have yet to have sex with Dash. I have fucked a few of them, though, and not always by choice. But it’s not bestiality, it’s xenophilia. Sexy, sexy xenophilia.”

“You have mental problems.” The intercom shut off again and I just chuckled, walking over to the computer. I opened up some music and sat back, listening to it with a grin on my face.

It has been way, way too long.

As the final notes of “I’m Still Here” rang out, I found myself being pulled backwards, the chair jerking away from the computer. My eyes shot open from their relaxed state and I tried to hop up to confront my attacker, but I was spun around and found Dash staring at me.

And then I was pulled into a furry and moist hug. “I’m sorry, Nav,” she whispered.

“…Dash, what are you doing?”

“Nav, I know I’m not good with this mushy stuff, or the ‘hard parts of friendship,’ as Twilight calls it, but I’m here for you.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“I heard that song, Nav.”

I thought back to what I had been listening to and the lyrics in it before sighing. “Dammit Dash, it’s just a fucking song. I like that kind of music. Chill the fuck out.”

She didn’t let go. “You know songs mean more than that to ponies. When we listen to music—and when we sing—there’s a reason for it. Tell me it’s not the same here.”

“It’s not, Dash. I listen to this stuff because I like it. Chill the fuck out and let me go; you’re getting my clothes wet.”

She sighed and finally pulled away. “I’m here for you, man. I know this is hard for you.”

“I know, Dash. You’ve only told me that several times already.” And that’s when the short song that came on after the other one ended and “Abandoned” by Kamelot started playing. I quickly spun around and stopped it, as much as I love Kamelot. “So you want to watch a movie or what?”

“Nav, when I said I was here for you… Well, I’m going to need your help with something too.”

“What do you need?” I asked, turning back around.

“I’m… going into heat tonight. If we can’t find a female to help me… Do you think you’d be able to help me out?”

“Just so I’m sure, are you asking me to have sex with you if we aren’t able to get you laid?”

“It doesn’t have to be that much! It’s just… well, being in heat is hard. A good rutting would calm me down, though. Keeping me distracted works just as well.”

“Just throwing this out there, but why me and not Rarity?”

“Nav, she’s a total prude. She’d be willing to help keep me distracted, but she would never agree to rut me if I really needed it. You uh… you kinda have a reputation… And I know what those hands can do!” Her wings shivered and ruffled as her eyes flicked down to my hands.

“I kind of figured you’d need a female for this anyway. Aren’t you still a dyke?”

She gave me a rather flat stare before rolling her eyes. “Nav, I can’t fight my body. During heat, it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to. I’m hoping this one will be mild, since it’s winter here, but if it goes by the seasons in our world, this’ll be a rough one.”

“Don’t you worry, Dash. I’ll do what it takes. Now, what do you want to watch?”

Before she could answer, we heard a knock at the door. I sighed and hopped up to get it. On the other side was a cart of food, but sadly no Cici. “Where’s Cecilia?” I asked the guy pushing the cart.

“She’s off today,” he answered.

I sighed and grabbed the cart. “Well, thanks for the food. You’re a good person, or something.” I pulled the cart in while he tried to figure out what the fuck I was talking about. I had the door shut before he could say anything else. “Man oh man, I haven’t had coffee in a while.” There were two mugs for it, so I poured us both one.

“Nav, what is that black stuff?”

“The key to waking up. You’re a pony and thus you like way too much sugar and shit, so let me make it drinkable for you.” Thankfully, there was creamer and sugar with it. I put a dollop of both in both mugs while she pulled the top off the tray.

“Why is there meat with both of these?”

“Because I asked for bacon and you asked for what I was having.”

She sighed and poked at it before getting a thoughtful expression on her face. “Nav… what does meat taste like?”

“Like sex in my mouth. Why?”

“Well… It’s already here.” Before I could stop her, she lifted a strip of bacon to her mouth and bit into it, chewing a few times. “It’s… not bad. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s like mouth sex, but it’s not bad.” She finished the strip of bacon off.

“Huh. Well, if you get sick, don’t blame me. Here, wash it down with this.” I passed her the mug. “It’s hot, so don’t burn yourself.”

“I’m not a foal, Nav.” She carefully lifted it up to her mouth and took a sip. “Huh.” She took a deeper drink and her eyes fucking lit up as it apparently hit her system. “This feels amazing!” I could barely understand that, she spoke so quickly. She tried drinking more, only to apparently burn her tongue; she jerked the mug away from her mouth, her tongue sticking out and a look of pain on her face.

“I warned you, bro,” I said with a smile, pulling one of the plates over to me. I hit the waffles with some butter and some syrup while she tried to get some functionality back in her tongue. “Ah, I missed this stuff,” I sighed as I started eating.

“It’s the same stuff we have!” she said, lisping slightly.

“There are differences. Small ones, but they’re there. The syrup is sweeter, the butter is better, and the waffles are made with a different kind of flour. And the best part is that there are no shitty horse puns anywhere.”

She sniffed and quickly devoured everything on her plate, including the bacon I was planning on stealing. She then finished off her coffee before I could even finish my damn waffles. “You gonna drink that?” she asked, eying my coffee cup.

“Dash, if I give you any more, you’ll probably have a heart attack. You’re already bouncing in place. You could probably run around a mountain right now and keep going.”

“Hm… I bet I could outrun the guards!”

She jumped up and sprinted to the door, but I managed to grab her tail before she could open it. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere. Intercom lady, lock the door.” I heard a deadbolt slide into place and let Dash go. She staggered from suddenly being released and tried opening the door. She sighed when it didn’t work. “Now sit your blue ass back down. I shouldn’t have to explain this, but human guards are not like royal guards in Equestria. There, you might get a fine. Here, you might get shot in the face, which will lead to a terminal case of death. We are not going to fuck with security, because no matter how fast you think you are, you won’t be faster than the bullet coming for you.”

She rolled her eyes and walked back to the bed. “You’re no fun.”

“No, I’m just not hopped up on caffeine. No more coffee for you while we’re here. I’ll try to get some information to grow this shit and set it up in Equestria, though. It should be funny to see what happens to some of the other ponies.”

Her eyes got a faraway look on them before she opened them very wide and practically flew into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Yeah, that’s one of the downsides of coffee,” I said to no one as I worked on finishing breakfast. I also downed the vitamin D pills that thankfully came with breakfast and immediately felt better.

A few minutes later, a miserable Dash came out of the bathroom. “I hate human toilets,” she sighed, flopping onto the floor.

I didn’t comment. I finished breakfast in silence and was about to say something else when there was a knock at the door, followed by the deadbolt unlocking. I walked over and found two guards on the other side. “Hey, do you know where that blue pony is?” one of them asked. I stepped out of the way so they could see her. “…Oh. Well, the doc wants to talk to her.”

“Dash, go with them. And behave.”

“What does he want?” she warily asked, eyeing the guards.

“How should I know?” the dude asked. “As far as I know, he just wants to talk. He spoke to the two white ones yesterday, and now it’s your turn.”

She shrugged and hopped up, walking to the door. “Don’t try anything funny,” she warned as she walked out. “And Nav, don’t go into the city without me!”

I smiled and nodded. “I’ll make sure to get you when we leave.”

“Good.” And with that, I was alone again.

I went back to the computer and continued messing around until there was another knock at my door. I sighed and pulled myself away from the computer to answer it. Fancy Pants greeted me warmly when I let him in.

“What do you need?” I asked when he was inside and the greeting was gone.

“This is an awkward thing to talk about and honestly it can’t be done easily. Rarity mentioned something to me and I want to know if it’s true.”

“If the next words out of your mouth involve anything about me being a girl on the inside or wanting to be a girl, I will hurt you.”

He hastily lifted a hoof in a placating gesture. “I was just making sure. What has gotten into that mare, to make her think such a thing?”

“I don’t know, but she needs to get over it before we get back. I do not want her to bring this shit up with anyone back home. My reputation is bad enough. I don’t need to add this to it.”

“And how do you propose to do so?”

“Well, the easiest option would be to give her a good dicking, but I really don’t feel like touching her again. Other than that, I really don’t know what to do.”

“Well, I wish I had a solution for you, but this… This is a rather unique problem. I trust that you, of all ponies, can handle it.”

“Eh. If all else fails, Celestia owes me some favors. I can just have her wipe the memory from Rarity’s mind. And if not, maybe I can finally use this to convince everyone that Rarity’s insane and get her institutionalized.” I’ve been trying to get enough proof for years. She’s good at hiding it.

“That just seems overly cruel. I’m sure you can talk her out of this, Nav. If you can talk Chrysalis down, surely Rarity will be easier.”

“I had the entire might of the Equestrian Empire behind me when I dealt with Chrysalis. I also had the fact that I could kill her at any time. I have just a little less going for me when dealing with Rarity. Hey, maybe it’ll blow over and I won’t have to do anything at all.”

“That would certainly be one way of dealing with it. I think I shall go and talk to her on your behalf. Maybe between the two of us we can convince her.”

“Good luck. If you need anything else, you know where I am.” Before he could step out, there came another knock at my door. “Christ, I’m popular today.” I walked on over and opened it to find a hulking fellow in a full suit of leather. Holy shit. “Can I help you?”

He looked me up and down, frowning. “She was right,” he finally said with a nod. His head jerked up to Fancy Pants. “You, out. I’m measuring him for clothes.”

You’re the tailor?” I said, incredulous.

“Yes, I am. You will refer to me as Master.”

There was silence in the room for five seconds. “…Did you talk to Rarity?” I asked.

“I might have knocked on the wrong door first, but that is no business of yours.”

“Fancy, don’t you dare leave. No offense, but you look like a fucking professional dominatrix, and I ain’t taking no chances.”

“I would hardly say professional. So I take it you don’t want my services?”

“I want the services you have to offer that involve giving me a new set of decent clothes that I can wear in public without fear of upsetting cultural norms as they were thirty years ago. Nothing more.”

He grinned widely. “Ooh, you’ll be a tough one to crack. But the best ones always are.”

I slammed the door in his face and locked it. “This may be more of a problem than we thought,” I said, backing away from the door.

“Navarone… what is a dominatrix?”

He started banging on the door. “I was joking!” he called through it. “I’ll just measure you and leave.”

“If you molest me, I will end you,” I said through the door.

The banging stopped. “Fair enough,” was all he said. I opened the door and backed up, granting him entrance. “I don’t usually work with male partners anyway. I much prefer girls. And even then, it’s only a hobby. Name’s Kincaid.”

I nodded. “Navarone.” I jerked my head toward the pony on the bed. “Fancy Pants. Yes, that’s his real name. Now, don’t listen to Rarity. She has mental problems.”

“Very well, though I can’t help but wonder what kind of mental problems would drive someone to accuse somebody of that.” I just sighed. “Eh, I guess women are the same everywhere. Shall we get started?”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Get undressed. What kind of clothes do you want?”

“Something with a lot of pockets and something that’s very durable. And if you could get me a badass leather duster, that would be cool. I don’t know if you have the equipment or the knowhow to make chainmail, but that would also be useful.”

“I don’t know about chainmail, but I can make you something that’s stronger and lighter. I suppose I owe you that much for listening to that white unicorn.” His eyes flicked to Fancy for a second and he added, “The other white unicorn.” He smirked at me. “I don’t suppose you know a Lady Amalthea?”


“Ah, don’t worry about it.” I shrugged and stripped down. He pulled out a tape measure and a pad and started measuring me. “You know, a lot of people these days don’t care about getting custom fitted clothes. Sure, machines do most of the work, but if clothes aren’t measured, they’ll lack a certain something, you know?”

“I really don’t,” I answered, trying not to shudder as his cold hands guided the tape measurer around me. “I don’t pay much attention to that. I just don’t want to look like a fucking gangsta or something, wearing those overly large clothes around. I also really need a lot of pockets. If you want to talk fashion, talk to Rarity on a day she isn’t being crazy.”

“Hm. There we go.” He pulled his cold hands away from me. “You know, she tried to get me to agree to make you a set of girl clothes. Really skimpy stuff, too. Woulda been real cute on you.”

“I trust you told her to eat a dick.”

“Not quite. I told her I’d think about it.” He made a few more notes on his pad. “I got everything I need. If I can’t get you stuff made from the carbon nanotubes, it’ll be ready in half an hour. If I can, it’ll be here in an hour.”

“Holy fuck. That fast?”

“Machines, man. They work fast. I’ll send someone to drop everything off when it’s ready.”

“Awesome.” I grabbed my pants and hastily put them on, not liking how his gaze shifted.

“You know, you look like you need to eat more.”

“Yes, thank you.”

He grinned and partially bowed. “Then I bid you adieu. Maybe we’ll… meet again one day.” His voice and tone made me slightly uncomfortable.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” I answered.

He shrugged. “Suit yourself.” And with that, the creepy tailor was gone, hopefully forever.

I turned back to Fancy. “Yeah, you need to go talk to Rarity. Get her to stop telling everyone and their mother her little bullshit theory about me. Threaten to abuse her if you have to. Or worse, threaten to ruin her name in Canterlot. I don’t care what you have to do, get her to drop this.”

He grunted in distaste. “I dislike the idea of using my position to get others to do things, Navarone. I may consider you a friend, but that does not mean I would abuse my power for you. I will try to convince her to stop, but I can make no promises. I’ll go speak with her right now.”

“Thank you.” He left and I was finally alone again.

“You know,” the intercom said, “you would be really cute.”

“Not interested.”

“Just sayin’.” And then the intercom shut off and I was actually alone. Hopefully.

I went back to messing around on the computer, lacking anything else to do. I needed to wait for my clothes and for Rainbow before I could do anything. An hour later, both of them arrived at the same time. Dash collapsed on the bed while I opened one of the several packages a delivery guy dropped off.

“Have fun?” I asked her while I examined the shirt I had been given.

“Not really. The other you isn’t a very nice po—person, Nav.”

“I’m not a very nice person either,” I said while opening another package. “What the fu—God dammit.” I unfolded the very pink blouse and found two things. First, a note fell out when I unfolded it. And second, the word ‘slut’ was printed across the front of the shirt. I set the note aside and explored the rest of the package. I unfolded a very small thong that looked like it was made to hide something and a frilly miniskirt.

“What are those?” Dash asked, looking up.

“A bad joke,” I sighed, setting them down and opening the note.

‘Just in case. The regular clothes are made from the strong stuff and should be very hard to tear or puncture. The skimpy stuff is made of very easy to wash stuff, for those long nights with a lot of partners. Love, your master.”

“Fuck everything.” I crumpled the note up and threw it and the unwanted clothes across the room.

Dash smirked at my reaction and said, “Doesn’t seem like a very funny joke, to me.”

“It’s not. If Rarity tries to talk to you about me wanting to be a girl or some shit, ignore her.”

“Dude, if you wanted to be a girl, why wouldn’t you just use those awesome magic stones you have?”

“That’s what I said! Rarity’s just a crazy cunt. Now, let’s see what else we have here.” Dash rolled over so she could more easily see what I was unwrapping. The next thing I pulled out was what looked like an armored suit of clothing. It was littered with pockets and pouches and shit. I would call the bottom part of it a set of cargo pants or something, while the top was something I really didn’t have any words for.

“That’s really baggy looking,” Dash commented, looking it over. “It would really slow you down.”

“At the cost of holding a ton of useful things. I think it would be worth it in some situations.” I wasn’t planning on getting into any fights while I was down here, but I did need to carry everything on me all the time. But with as protective as this stuff probably was, I wouldn’t be surprised if I could get stabbed and have the knife bounce off.

“What else did you get?” she asked.

I set those aside and opened another package. “Looks like normal spring clothes,” I said. “According to the note, everything except for the stuff I don’t want has the protective stuff in it. I think I’ll be very well protected.”

“Well that’s good. I wouldn’t want my favorite human to get hurt.”

“You just hang around me because I’m awesome.”

“You know it! What else is there?”

I grabbed the heaviest package and opened it, finding an actual old-fashioned leather duster. “Holy hell.” A letter tumbled from the folded duster as I held it up to get a better look at it. I hung the jacket over my shoulder and opened the note.

‘I hope you opened the other package first. This is an apology of sorts. Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that unicorn; I’ll leave you alone. I found this old thing in storage. No idea where it came from. Leather fell out of style years ago and never came back, so do with it as you would. Maybe I’ll catch you for a beer sometime. – Kincaid.’

“Well, maybe he isn’t so bad,” I said as I folded the note up and pulled the jacket back up. “This thing looks pretty awesome.

“What is that made of?” she asked. “I usually don’t care much, but that looks cool!”

“Ah, it’s some kind of fabric we humans are good at making.” That actually reminded me that I needed to look up how to make leather while I was here. I wasn’t planning on making anything to wear, but leather is very durable and I could use it in some of my constructions.

“‘We humans?’” she said. “That mean you know how to do it? Could you make me a jacket like that or something?” I lifted an eyebrow, looking back at her. “N-not that I care about fashion, or anything. It just looks cool, like I said.”

“I’ll see what I can do. It’ll have to wait, though. Now, I need to go get dressed and start loading pockets up.”

She looked around the room. “With what?” she asked, settling her gaze back on me.

“Everything I plan on bringing back. We have no idea when the spell will wear off, so we need to be prepared to leave at any time. I’m hoping everything I have on me will be brought back. If not, I’ll be kinda pissed.” I was going to need to pick up some stuff from a store, too. I needed a laptop bag and a clothing bag. I didn’t want to carry a crate of stuff with me everywhere, because that would just be inconvenient. Fitting five boxes of bullets into a single bag might be a pain, though. I’d figure something out.

Anyway, I grabbed a set of clothes and stepped into the bathroom, not wanting to give Dash a peepshow. Sure, I knew that I might end up fucking her, but I was hoping I could pawn her off to the lesbo bar and she’d manage to find someone into something a little more exotic. I mean, surely there are furries in the future.

The clothes fit about as well as something made by Rarity, which was honestly a good compliment; for all her strangeness, Rarity was good with clothing. When I got out of the bathroom, I saw Dash holding up the pink shirt I threw against the wall, giggling.

“If you like it so much, you can have it,” I said, tossing the overly large clothes I had been in over to the corner I was using for dirty clothes.

“I’m just imagining you wearing it!” Dash said, still giggling. “It kinda fits.”

“Yeah, but I’m not a female slut.” Usually. Dash dropped the terrible shirt as I said, “Intercom lady, you there?”

It clicked and she answered, “Yep. What do you need?”

“Are we cleared to go into the city whenever we want?” I asked.

“You are. But you’ll need credit chits before you can buy anything.”

“And when do we get those?” I asked.

I heard something happening in the wall before she answered, “Now. Check the mail slot.”

“…The what?” I looked over to where I heard the noise and saw a slit in the wall that I had been wondering about since I got there. A small platform slid out of the bottom of it and a small stack of credit cards sat on it. “Wow.”

“All I had to do was take four empty cards and load them with your info. There should be names on each of them. When the cashier runs it, they’ll get a message of your description and if you don’t match, security will be called.”

“Awesome. Thanks, love.”

“Don’t call me love.” And with that, the intercom clicked off.

I shrugged and walked over to the mail thing, grabbing the cards. I pulled out mine and Dash’s and stuck them into a pocket. “You wanna give the other two theirs?” I asked.

 “Why do I have to do it?”

“Because if I see Rarity right now, I can’t promise not to hurt her. She’s been spreading rumors that have been getting rather annoying.”

She shrugged and somehow used a hoof to grab the cards. “Why not just talk to her about it?”

“I did. She’s still doing it. Maybe Fancy will have gotten her to stop. Either way, I don’t want to see her right now.”

She just rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back in a minute, then.” She left to go drop them off and I went over to the computer and pulled up Top Gun. It was the only air force movie I knew of off the top of my head and I figured she would enjoy it. Watching that would give us something to do for a few hours.

She took ten minutes longer to get back than I thought she would. When she stepped back inside, she was wearing an amusing smirk. “Rarity won’t be giving you any more problems,” she said, walking over to the bed.

“Awesome.” I assumed I didn’t want to know what she did. “Want to watch a movie about flying?”

“Buck yes! Ever since you mentioned planes, I wanted to see one in action!” I pressed start and sat on the bed next to her. “So what’s this movie about?” she asked as it started.

“No clue. I just know it has something to do with planes.”

Eh, it was alright.

“Eh, that was alright,” Dash said, stretching. “You wanna go into the city?”

“You and the others need to eat first and then we can go. I don’t know how long we’ll be there and I don’t want you going hungry.”

“We don’t have to tell the others we’re going. Rarity’s watching some weird show about little girls or something and Fancy Pants was reading some book. And they’re both so boring anyway.”

“I was planning on walking with them to where I was going to drop them off. Same for you, though I’ll try sticking around your bar for a few minutes to make sure you’ll be alright. Just tell them we’re going into the city in half an hour and they’re welcome to go with us if they want.”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because you walk faster than I do on average and because you’ve been chilling in my room all day.”

“Psh. Whatever.” Didn’t stop her from going out into the hall, though. She came back a minute later. “Rarity’s not going. Said something about having enough fun where she is.”

“Whatever. Intercom lady, you around?”

“I am,” she answered.

I nodded at Dash, and she said, “Can I get some food or something?”

The intercom lady sighed. “Sure, I guess. What do you want?”

Dash looked to me for a suggestion. I shrugged and answered, “Pasta alfredo. You’ll probably like it.”

“Coming right up,” the lady answered. We heard her mutter something about not getting paid enough before the intercom clicked off.

Dash muttered, “Crabbypants.”

I just shrugged and walked over to the computer. “Let’s see if I can find some Tom and Jerry stuff in here.”

“Tom and Jerry?” she asked as she walked back to the bed.

“Senseless fun and harmless violence. You might like it.” It took me a minute to find it since it had been so long since I even thought about that show.

She jumped when she saw the lion roaring at the beginning. “I thought you said you didn’t have manticores here!”

“That’s a lion. It doesn’t have wings or a tail.”

“…So it’s a manticore that’s so dangerous that it doesn’t need to fly or use poison to kill you?”

“Dash, shut up and watch the show.” She sighed and settled down. “If it makes you feel any better, that lion is dead. The day after that little roaring thing was filmed, he was put to death.”


I shrugged. “He killed the shit out of his trainer.”

She moved a little closer to me. “This place scares me,” she quietly said, watching the monitor.

She seemed to enjoy the show well enough. The food was apparently too fancy for her, though that didn’t stop her from eating all of it. I think she would have licked the plate if I hadn’t been smirking at her.

“So we leaving or what?” she asked when she set the plate back down.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with all these damn food carts?” I asked.

“Push ‘em against a wall, duh,” she answered, doing just that with both of them. “Now let’s get Fancy Pants and go.”

Out the door we went, me jingling slightly with all the shit in my pockets. I walked down the hall to Fancy’s door and knocked. He answered it a few seconds later. “We finally going into the city?” he asked. It sounded like he was trying to hide his rich accent. It also looked like he shaved the weird little mustache thing he had going on before.

“Yep. Let’s go.”

“Right-o.” He stepped out, letting his door close behind him. “The lady in the ceiling doesn’t seem very polite,” he said as we joined Dash further down the hall.

Dash nodded in agreement. “She’s been rude to us, too,” she said.

“Probably just PMSing,” I said.

“…What’s that mean?” Dash asked.

Oh boy… “Alright, you know how you go into heat once a month? It’s almost kinda like that, but not really. I don’t feel like going into the biological stuff because frankly, it’s pretty nasty. Long story short, women can get irritable very easily while they’re PMSing.” Hey, it’s the other me that’s a biology major. I may be wrong in some details. Not like anyone is reading this anyway.

“Huh. So how do you know if somepon—one is PMSing?” she asked.

“You can’t know, just from looking. And asking is going to get you slapped or worse. Just single out a chick you want to fuck and home in on her. If you get her, cool. If not, meh. Same goes for you, Fancy.”

He sniffed. “I was joking about that, Navarone. I would not say no to a little romp, but I will not go actively searching for it.”

“Eh, suit yourself.” We got to the elevator and called it. Soon enough, we were heading up into the city.

“So… what’s the plan?” Dash asked, actually sounding nervous.

“Drop Fancy off at the gentleman’s club, then drop you off at the lesbo bar. I’ll stick with you for a few minutes to make sure you’ll be fine before going off on my own. I gotta find the lay of the land, see what’s out there.”

“And what if we get lost?” she asked.

“Dash, there are fucking maps everywhere. If you get lost, you deserve it. I’m expecting a lot more people today, though, so be careful. Dash, I suspect a bunch of people are gonna want to touch your wings, so keep them down. Fancy… Well, both of you need to watch out for kids. Who knows what they might do? Just try not to be offended by anything anyone might say.”

“Sheesh, Nav. I’m sure if you can manage for four years in Equestria, we can manage a few days here,” Dash said.

“Just saying. Expect to be called horse a few times.” I think she was going to respond, but the elevator pinged. “Shall we?” The doors slid open and I walked out, not exactly leaving them the option of staying behind.

There were a lot more people out and about today. It didn’t help that we were on the top floor, where much of the foot traffic was apparently located. Most of their heads slowly turn to look at the three of us.

I looked around for the youngest person I could find alone. When I saw a little boy staring at Dash with wonder in his eyes, I said toward him, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to stare?”

That broke the spell for most of the people I could still see them eyeing us, but most of them weren’t being overt about it. However, a group of curious teenagers stepped in front of us.

“You fly?” the probable leader of the group asked me, though he turned his gaze to include Dash as well.

Dash grinned. “You know it, kid!” Everyone jumped back when she spoke. It’s one thing to know they can talk, it’s another to actually see one do it. “Unfortunately, there isn’t magic here, so I can’t.”

The teens giggled. “Magic?” the leader said. “You really believe in that?”

I sighed, knowing where this was going. Fancy Pants stepped forward. “It’s quite real, I assure you,” he said. “Every unicorn can do it, though it seems to be lacking from this world. Somewhat curious, that.”

“Right. I’ll believe that when I see it,” he said. “Where you headed?”

My turn to talk. “Takin’ him to the gentlemen’s club. Taking her to the Red Carpet. Me? I’m going to a place where I can find fun of a carnal sort.”

He grinned widely. “You gonna have a fun time at the Red Carpet, mate.”

For some reason, that was directed at me. “I don’t plan on staying long. Just wanna make sure she’s taken care of, then I’m gone.”

He just chuckled darkly before saying, “If you get out of there, look for a place called Ralph’s. Tell ‘em I sent you, and that you escaped Purg.”

“Need to know your name to tell him you sent me.”

“Jake.” He held a hand out.

“Navarone.” I met his hand with mine.

“Maybe we see you soon, Nav. Maybe we see you soon, plucked. Good luck, either way.”

He made a hand motion to his friends and they all walked away, laughing at something. That doesn’t fill me with confidence…

“Weird slang, these days,” I commented as we continued walking. “What does ‘plucked’ mean?”

“No clue,” Dash answered. “They seemed alright, though.”

“Yeah. Better behaved than most teens where I came from. Though I guess living in an underground bunker with cameras everywhere would do that.”

“Enough to make me paranoid,” she muttered, looking around at the people still occasionally glancing at us.

We made it almost all the way to the elevator that would drop us off next to the club before we got confronted again. “Can I pet your mane?” a somewhat adorable little girl asked Dash.

The mare in question jerked back, blushing. “W-what?”

The girl’s mother looked kind of terrified when she realized her daughter was bothering us, and tried to pull the girl away. “But mom, she’s so pretty! Look at all the colors!”

I can’t lie, I burst into giggles at that. Dash glared at me, still blushing in either surprise or embarrassment. She then turned a hopefully easier look to the little girl. “You can touch it if you’re gentle,” she somewhat nervously said.

The girl squealed with glee and launched herself away from her mom, who was nervously watching the situation. My hands clenched and unclenched, ready to step in. I wasn’t expecting the kid to do anything on purpose, but I’ve learned to be wary.

“So soft,” she whispered, gently petting Dash, who bore it with a blush that slowly crept its way down her neck.

The mom looked down at her watch a few seconds later. “Honey, we’re going to be late.”

The girl sighed and said, “Okay mommy. Bye, pretty pony!” She put one hand in her mom’s and waved with the other as she was dragged off.

“Well that was strange,” I said as we continued to the elevator.

“I… I don’t think anypony’s ever called me pretty before,” Dash said, looking down. Well, that gave me an idea to do if I did end up having to fuck her.

We didn’t have to wait for the elevator and thankfully no one joined us on it. We started down easily enough. “Another level, another group of people,” I sighed as I looked out of the glass windows—all of the elevators that only go to parts of the mall had glass doors that let you look around. The other one went to all parts of the base and thus didn’t. “Fancy, don’t feel too bad if they don’t let you in. I don’t know how things will work here.” To be honest, I didn’t know what the hell a gentleman’s club even was.

“I would understand if they wouldn’t. No offense, but if you had asked to be a part of any of my clubs when you first arrived in Equestria, I would have told you no in the politest way possible.”

“Yeah, but I also ain’t a gentleman, or any kind of upstanding citizen.” The elevators dinged open. “Can’t say that I aim to misbehave, though. Let’s go.”

We got more stares this time that I got rid of the same way as before. Or at least, I got rid of some of them that way. The gentlemen’s club in this place apparently wasn’t all that big or well-known, so there was no real crowd inside the front lobby.

The elderly secretary looked up from her monitor and blinked when she saw us. She rubbed her eyes, looking me up and down. “Oh lordy, I knew the angel of death would come for me soon!”

“Lady, I ain’t no angel,” I said. “Although if I was, being the angel of death would be pretty damn cool. Nah, I just want to see if my friend here could possibly join the club.” I patted Fancy on the back.

“…You want to put a horse in our club?” she asked.

“I am no mere animal, my lady,” Fancy said, putting his thick aristocratic accent back on. “I am well versed in the manners of every major society in Equestria and have been a part of the court of her majesty for a number of years.”

“Uh… huh.” She pressed a button. “Mister Johnson, could you please come to the lobby?” I got ready to cheese it, in case that was a bouncer. She might have seen me adjusting my legs, because she said, “Mister Johnson is the head of the club. I… do not know how to handle this. He will.”

It didn’t take him long to get there, either. “What’s the pr—Oh. How can I help you three?”

Fancy Pants stepped forward. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Mister Johnson. I am Sir Fancy Pants, and am interested in this club.”

I could see the gears turning in this dude’s head. “It is… nice to meet you,” he finally said. “Are you perhaps interested in joining?”

“Well, I’d like to know more, first.”

“You’re plenty welcome to join us in the back room,” the old guy answered, before looking at me and Dash. “You are both welcome too, of course.”

I quickly shook my head. “This ain’t our scene, man. I know I ain’t no gentleman, and Dash here lacks the proper parts to be one. Take good care of Fancy, though.” I looked back to the stallion. “Head back to the rooms whenever you want. I trust you can find them.”

“Don’t worry about me, old chap,” he said, grinning. “I think I found a place I might belong.”

And just like that, Dash and I were on our way to where we were going to drop her off. “Are you just going to leave me like that?” she asked, trepidation in her voice.

“That’s the plan, yeah. Dash, I’ll be surprised if they’ll even let me into the bar we’re going to. I don’t know how much things have changed in thirty years, but I wouldn’t feel very welcome in a lesbo bar. Hell, I don’t even know if that word is socially acceptable anymore. I also don’t think I could get laid. I’ll stay a few minutes if I can, but either way, I expect you’ll be fine.”

She sighed. “I know, Nav. I just don’t like being so alone.”

“You’ll probably be fine. And if you do feel too weird, either go back to our room or see if you can find Ralph’s. I’ll probably at least check it out, see if it’s worth visiting.” We walked in silence for a few moments before I thought of something. “Oh yeah. One thing I should tell you: There will probably be alcohol there. If someone there is interested in you, they might either buy you a drink or offer to buy you one. I don’t suggest accepting a drink that has been handled by anyone other than the bartender or a waitress.”


“Date rape drug. I don’t expect anyone to use one on you, but I know someone used one on me in Equestria and I’ve been wary of drinks ever since.”

“…Huh. Are you sure you should leave me alone?”

“Dash, you’ll be fine.” Hopefully. “And if all else fails, I’m sure the spell will wear off soonish and put us back in Equestria, so you don’t really need to worry about being kidnapped for long.”

“That’s not exactly comforting, Nav.”

“You’ll get over it. Quickly, too, since we’re here.”

We both looked at the bar. I think we both felt somewhat reluctant to enter. Me, because I knew I didn’t belong. Her, because she was nervous.

“Nav, I don’t know about this.”

“Well, we don’t have to if you don’t want to, but we’re already here. It can’t hurt to just poke our heads inside, though.” That’s what he said.

She sighed, ruffling her feathers, before nodding and taking the lead.

Surprisingly, there didn’t seem to be a bouncer when we stepped inside. There also weren’t that many chicks inside, probably because it was still only six or so. Of course, all of them were staring at us. I think the two of us got an equal number of looks. Most of those looking at me had unreadable faces, while those looking at Dash were confused.

“Can I help you?” the female bartender asked with a southern drawl.

Dash looked over at me. “My friend here has tastes of the more feminine nature,” I said somewhat warily. “I was wondering if she would be welcome here.”

The bartender nodded at the stools in front of her. “Sit. Both of you.” I grimaced, not wanting to stay longer than a few minutes, but I walked with Dash to the bar and helped her onto a stool that was definitely not made for a pony.

“I don’t really want to stay too long,” I said, not sitting. The bartender just nodded at the stool next to Dash. I sighed and sat.

The bartender reached behind her and grabbed an open bottle, bringing it to the bar. She next put one shot glass down and poured a finger in it, passing it to me. “On the house. Not many guys would do something like this for a friend.”

I grinned, downing the shot. I quickly started coughing, not expecting something that fucking strong.

“You know,” she continued, “my grandma used to tell me stories about angels.”

“Oh?” I said, my voice somewhat harsh from coughing. “What kind of stories?”

“She said angels would send me to hell to burn for eternity.”

“…I’m just gonna go,” I said, trying to stand.

I felt someone behind me grab the bases of my wings, wrenching them down. I jerked in pain, my eyes going wide. The bartender was grinning and Dash was looking around, confused. “You aren’t going anywhere, little angel boy,” the bartender said, grinning.

I tried to put on a disarming grin. “Come now. I’m no angel. I just have wings. There’s no need for this.”

I felt a hand behind me trailing down my back, slipping into my pants. I jerked straight as I felt my ass being groped. “You might not be an angel,” she said. “But either way, we’ll make sure you’ll have fallen soon enough.”

My eyes widened even more when she reached under the bar and pulled out a strap-on.

“Now, now… We don’t have to resort to that,” I hastily said.

“When the drugs in that alcohol kick in, you won’t be complaining,” she said.

“Joke’s on you, then: I’m immune.”

“Well isn’t that a shame. For you, I mean. It’s not going to stop us.”

Dash finally managed to get down from her stool. “Nav, what’s going on?”

“Dash, we’re leaving,” I said. “Now.”

The bartender smirked. “Nancy, if you would?” I felt the pressure increase on my wings before I scooted back and fell off the back of the stool, surprising the person behind me and reversing my wings being wrenched down. I grabbed the stool with both hands and shot it straight up, over my head, slamming it into the face of the person that had been holding me. She immediately let go, stepping back and holding her face. I jumped to my feet, Dash somehow having cleared the other girls away from me.

I held the bar stool up menacingly. “Now I don’t and didn’t want any trouble,” I said, slowly walking to the exit. “You take your broken nose as a lesson.” The very large and very butch women that had been holding me slung blood away from her hands and pulled a switchblade out of her pocket. My eyes opened wider as she took a step forward.

“Nancy!” the bartender sharply said. “I ain’t gonna have more blood spilled in my bar. Ain’t nothing wrong with revenge, but from the looks of that fella, he’s gonna protect that little ass of his with his life.”

And that’s when I felt something small and round jamming into my back. “Freeze,” a female voice said. I immediately stopped.

“I really, really hope that’s not a gun you have pointed at me,” I quietly said.

“D-drop the stool!” she nervously said.

“Dash, describe what she’s holding against my back.” I could see Dash turning her head that way.

After a moment, she said, “It looks kinda like that thing you made back home. Got a trigger and everything.”

Civilians don’t shoot. They never shoot. Killing a man takes more gumption than most people have. I quickly jumped left, slinging the stool around and catching the surprised woman in the face. The little snub-nosed pistol she was using fell from her hands as she clutched at her broken face. I threw the stool away and snatched the pistol off the ground, holding it up and pointing it around.

“Now then. Dash, I think it’s high time we left.” We continued backing to the door, me pointing the gun at anyone that moved. When Dash opened the door for me to walk out, I said, “Sorry about the face, love. It was beautiful.” I was looking at the girl who pulled the pistol, not the butch bitch that tried to break my wings. Before anyone could answer, I took off running, sliding the pistol into a pocket.

Dash quickly joined me as we ran away from the bar. “What the hay was that?!” she yelled as we ran.

“Not the time!” I skidded to a stop in front of an open elevator and jumped inside, startling the people who were waiting for it to close. Dash joined me a few seconds later as I pressed the button for the bottom floor.

I studied the map on the side of the elevator, looking for anything that looked like it might be Ralph’s, whatever that was. I was assuming it was a bar or something. “Nav, seriously, what just happened?” Dash asked when the group of people got off.

“Explaining it would take a while, but let’s just say that wings on a human actually symbolize something. For most people, it’s something good. But for some people, it’s not. Those were a group of people who were not a fan of the idea of a human with wings.”

“…That doesn’t make any bucking sense! They tried to hurt you!”

“Yeah, they did. And I got a nice little pistol off of it, too. Hey, do you see anywhere called Ralph’s on this map?”

She just sighed and joined me in looking at the map. “This it?” she asked, pointing at a place in the grey zone.

“Industrial?” I mused, looking over the name. “Ralph’s Rapid Repair. Fuck! I thought I left that alliteration bullshit behind!” I thought it over, tracing the area around it with my fingers. “Still... Even if it is a repair shop, we can chill there for a while. I wonder why that kid pointed us that way, though.”

“Now back to that bar… What the hay, man?”

I sighed, rubbing the back of my head. “Dash, I really can’t explain it without using terms you don’t know. Remember how I keep saying angel and how everyone keeps calling me one? That’s what most humans think when they think of another human with wings. It’s… something like Celestia, something to be revered. But not everyone likes Celestia in your world. Some people hate her for some reason or another. And right now, that’s what it’s like for me. Some people like angels, some people don’t care, and some people hate them, and just about everyone thinks I am one, or that I might be one. It’s… complicated. And it sucks. If I could hide my wings, I would.”

Dash huffed as the elevator opened and we stepped out. “You shouldn’t hide them, Nav. Like it or not, they’re part of who you are.”

“I know. Let’s just find this damn place.” I’m getting tired of Dash’s shit. I know she’s trying to help, but fuck.

We started walking toward where the place was supposed to be, but the bottom floor of the city was like a fucking maze, the place maintenance workers used to get around easier.

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