Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


152. Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Six

In the three days after Twilight and I flipped on the dream machine for all the races, Celestia got unsolicited messages from Chrysalis, Luna, Bloodbeak, and the dragons asking what the fuck the ponies did. Personally, I found it extremely amusing that all of them turned straight to blaming the ponies.

I stopped laughing when Celestia made me write the response letters explaining it.

But aside from having to draft up some letters to a few very angry and confused rulers, I had most of that time to myself. And Taya, of course, was a nearly constant fixture to my side. Since I honestly didn’t want to get caught in any more intrigue or adventures while I was in Canterlot, I did my best to stay locked up in my room aside from when it was time to eat (which Taya made me do a lot), to take Taya running (which I made her do a lot), or to fuck Celestia (which didn’t happen a lot, sadly).

I used that time reasonably well, I guess. The books Fleur wanted were easy enough to finish, and I had them all sent off to my super secret publisher. And since writing books looked like it was a good way to spread some nice little dissent, I started writing a few more rabble-rousing ones. I also made sure to sneak some of the others I wrote out of Celestia’s room, since she still had copies of all of them. The ones she didn’t have, Luna apparently took.

That was probably a bad idea, but I figured, you know, whatever. What was the worst that could happen, right?

Things were going pretty good, up until the stupid public date Cadance cursed us with. A simple appearance at a Wonderbolts show, Celestia said. Public but private and it’s something friends could go to without arousing too much suspicion. And technically a date, so it fit.

A simple appearance, she said. I thought it would be like the stupid play she took me to ages ago, or the opera with Luna. No guards, no fanfare, no fuss.

That’s what I get for thinking, I guess.

“So what’s with all the activity?” I asked when I met her in the throne room. “There are guards and servants all over the place.”

“Why, we’re going out, of course,” she said with a flash of a smile.

“So? They didn’t make anything about it the last time we went somewhere.”

“Let’s go for a short walk, my dear friend,” she said, stepping down from her dais and walking toward me. Her guards started to follow, but she lifted a wing and they stopped in place. We continued to walk out, where the guards eyed her again before shrugging and remaining at their posts. We stayed in silence until we were out of earshot of anyone that might be around. “I’m sure you’ve heard some of the… rumors.”

“I haven’t. Or at least, nothing about this. Fleur talked my fucking ear off the last time I saw her.”

“Well, I don’t suppose I’m surprised you haven’t heard anything concerning yourself. After what happened with my sister, there are many that assumed you would dislike me. And then with Luna’s disappearance, and the sudden appearance of many books you did not get permission to print, there were… whispers of discontent. When you came back to Canterlot and immediately closeted yourself away with me, many thought I was… forcing you to stay against your will.”

“So this date has a dual purpose, doesn’t it?”

“I’d be a fool not to take the chance to show everypony that there are no ill thoughts between us.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. Everything Luna did to me was something you let happen, and I haven’t forgotten that. Same for Kat. I have plenty of ill thoughts. I just happen to not act upon them.”

“...Of which I am thankful. Cadance’s silly dare forced my hoof, but I would have asked you to attend something public like this before you left anyway, to quell any rumors. I’d rather my subjects assume we’re dating than think I’m mistreating you.”

“If you want, I can get your pretty saddle and those pink reins you like so much and ride you there. That might let them think we’re dating.”

“I’ll do that if you wear a pretty dress.”

“Tch, wear a dress while riding? Hell no. It’d ride up like crazy. As much as I like giving everyone a free view, I’d rather not do it on a date. I can wear sexy panties for you, though. But only if you wear a vibe.”


“Wireless, of course. I get the remote.”

She sighed. “As enticing as that sounds, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline this time. It will be a public event, after all, and not one I can justify wearing a dress to. It would not do to be… leaking where everypony can smell.”

“...If you wear the panties, I’ll wear the vibe.”

She blinked a few times. “I… forgot you can do that, now. Not this time, though. But I’ll definitely be giving you one later. It will be a much better way of making you come to me than sending a maid.”

“God, you are such a slut.”

“Takes one to know one,” she said with a smirk.

“Maybe. At least I don’t want to be ridden like a common animal.”

“True. You’d prefer to be ridden like one in heat. But anyway, I expect you to be on your best behavior today. It will be relatively private, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be getting watched. I know you usually enjoy making me suffer, but I can’t allow it today. Things need to go smoothly.”

“Ugh, fine. No molesting you, then. But you better behave yourself, too!”

“Of course. This is for my benefit, after all. We’ll have plenty of time to tease each other in public later, when it won’t matter as much. And of course, since I know how much you hate being in the limelight, I’ll be happy to help you unwind however you want tonight.”

“Sounds good to me.” Wonder if she’d be upset if I brought Twilight. “Given our… extra attention, do I need to dress up or anything?”

“I see no real need. Most of my subjects would be more surprised to see you in nice clothes than without, and it would be wise to give them what they’d expect.”

“Cool. When do we leave?”

“Within the hour. Feel free to return to your room to prepare. I can send for you when it’s time.”

“I’m as ready as I’m gonna get. Taya already knows I’m leaving and has voiced all the disapproval about it that she can.”

Celestia pursed her lips and stepped into a conveniently located sitting room, then used magic to pull me in behind her. When we were safely ensconced away, she pulled the door shut and sat down on one of the horse couches. “When I came to Ponyville to deal with Pinkie, you told me Taya was giving you… trouble.” I sighed and sat on a couch across from her. “You said she wanted to… sleep with you.”

“She did, yes. I don’t know if she still does. But I know she doesn’t approve of you and I know she didn’t approve of Kumani.”

“How did you… become aware of her desires?”

“I looked in her dreams the first time she went into heat and saw her doing things with me. When I spoke to her about it the next morning, she tried to… talk me into making her dreams a reality. She was less than pleased when I declined. She kept it to a low simmer for a while, but when we were in the Crystal Empire, it… exploded in her again. I had to spank her. She hasn’t tried anything since.”

“It’s a shame you had to hurt her, but sometimes that’s the only way to resolve such a situation. Do you think it might be some form of jealousy? That you’re giving other mares attention you never gave her?”

“In some ways, yeah. But she didn’t even know what incest was, and when I told her, she claimed that it didn’t count because I’m not her real dad.”

“Well… It wouldn’t technically be illegal, but I certainly can’t advise it. And I most definitely understand why you’d be reluctant about it. Have you… tried finding her a special somepony, perhaps?”

“I don’t think she’s interested. And with us on the move, she’d lose him quickly.”

“True… If she begins to act up like that again, do you have a plan?”


“Do you have an effective plan?”

“If talking her out of it didn’t work and if spanking her didn’t work, I don’t know what else I can really do, aside from just not fucking her. Maybe if I gave her the other thing she wanted, but that’s not going to happen.”

“What did she want?”

“Me to date Fluttershy. She—and everyone else, for that matter—seems to think it would be a good idea. And she definitely doesn’t want me dating you.”

“Why wouldn’t she want that?”

“Probably because of all the shit you did to me in the past. Just because I’m able to put it to the back of my mind doesn’t mean she is.”

“That is a shame… Do you think some mare-to-mare bonding would help?”

“That would probably do the exact opposite of help. If you want a precious foal you can spoil and love, you’re going to have to look somewhere else.”

“My eyes already look to the Everfree for that, you needn’t worry. I rather doubted Taya would ever come to call me mommy, but should the relationship between you and I last, I hope she will at least come to call me friend.”

“That’s a slightly more realistic hope. Though I gotta ask, what’s in the Everfree? You gonna clone yourself a foal or something?”

“Not quite. Don’t worry about it.” I shrugged. “Is there anything you think I can do to help with Taya?”

“The only thing I can think would be to let her see us together. Or at least, that’s the only thing I can think of that doesn’t involve you getting hurt. A lot.”

“...What do you mean? Do you think Taya would hurt me?”

“I honestly can’t say. I’d like to hope she wouldn’t, but something tells me that if you offered to let her torture you in exchange for forgiveness, she wouldn’t hesitate too much in taking you up on that offer. I uh… I kinda failed as a parent. A lot.”

The look on her face definitely had some shock in it, though there was also a hint of agreement. “Surely she wouldn’t truly…”

“I honestly don’t know. And of course, there’s no guarantee she’d actually forgive you afterwards. She is… sadistic, in a way. A child with too much destructive power and not enough knowledge of what pain really is. Or maybe too much knowledge. Either way, that’s not a road we’re going down.”

“Nav, has she… threatened you? Or hurt you?”

“After the Crystal Empire, we came to an understanding,” I coldly replied. “She learned how poorly such an attempt would go for her.”

Celestia sighed and slowly walked to my couch, then used magic to push me back so she could lie on top of me, cuddling and squishing me. “Had I known how she would take to your custody, I might not have pushed so strongly for her to stay with you. I’m sorry I did this to you, Nav, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your warning.”

“What’s done is done,” I said before kissing her on the nose. “I’ve come to love Taya, even if she is kinda a bitch at times. Being a parent is hard and worrying and yada yada, but it’s not all bad.”

“It’s relieving to hear that. I hope I’ll one day know the joy.”

“Have fun with that. Now get off me. You’re fucking heavy.”

“Hmm, I don’t know…” She leaned in and licked me across the face. “You’re comfortable and you taste good. I might just keep you here for a while.”

“What if I promised to pay you in kisses?”

“Why take a few later when I can take all I want now?” To prove the point, she actually kissed me instead of nastily licking me.

“Because I’m too cute to torture like that.”

“While I won’t deny that you’re adorable, I don’t know if you’re that cute.” She stole yet another kiss before I could come up with a reply.

“What if I said you’re too pretty to be a bad girl?”

“Many of my less intelligent servants thought Nightmare Moon was beautiful.” She kissed me one more time.

“But I’m not stupid. I don’t usually make those kinds of mistakes.”

She smirked. “You thought Luna was beautiful.” And of course, she got another short kiss.

“There are, of course, exceptions to the rule.”

“And what makes you think I’m not one of them, hm?” She tried to kiss me again, but I leaned in and kissed her first.

“Because you’re too naughty to be bad,” I whispered when I pulled away.

“And what do naughty ponies get?” she asked with a small smile.

I quickly showed her.

“Ah, Princess, are you… alright?” one of the stadium guards asked when we got there. Her flanks were slightly red and she was walking somewhat tenderly, so I suppose they had every reason to be concerned.

“I’m feeling just fine,” she said with a smile. “Our seats are this way?” We were on the staircase to the VIP section, with two of her guards behind us. Scores of peasants were watching our every move and I imagined several reporters were just waiting for a sign of weakness to descend upon us.

“When the stadium master heard you were coming with your…” His eyes flicked to me for a moment before returning to the princess. “...guest, she arranged something more fitting for you, Princess.”

“That was very thoughtful of her, but it really wasn’t necessary,” Celestia replied, still wearing a smile. “But if it’s already made up for us, I suppose we shall make use of it.”

“Your highness,” the fellow said with a small bend of his knees. Then he looked away and shrilly whistled, getting the attention of a busboy or something, who flew over to us with a nervous look on his face. “Take the princess to her seats.”

The young guy slowly traced his eyes up Celestia’s body until he was looking at her eyes, with his body seeming to shrink on itself all the while. Since that obviously wasn’t going anywhere, I stepped next to him and put a hand on his back. “She’s not in the habit of biting, kid,” I said. Nibble, maybe, but only on wings and nipples. “Ain’t nothin’ to be afraid of.” Unless you piss her off, then god help you.

Celestia’s personal guards both rolled their eyes. The stadium guard prodded the nervous colt, making him actually start walking, head hung low. Celestia followed, a bemused expression on her face. I just shook my head and walked next to her, wondering why everyone was always so afraid of someone so cute and cuddly.

Then I remembered the time she tried to wipe my memories and stopped wondering.

When she bumped against me and gave me a smile, I started wondering if she could read my mind. Then she winked and looked back to the poor colt we were following. I kinda wanted to say something, but figured it would be better not to.

Celestia’s (mostly) personal box ended up being in the center of the stadium, in full view of everyone that wanted to look. There definitely wasn’t any chance of hiding any illicit acts, so I wiped that thought from my mind quickly.

Because she’s a lot more popular than I am, Celestia got the nicer seat. She probably would have let me take it if I asked (or let me sit nestled against her), but I was content to sit in the less fancy one next to her. The two guards took up positions at our backs, pointlessly making sure the box we were in was safe.

“Gotta say, getting the royal treatment ain’t always bad,” I remarked, leaning back as much as I could in the seat. It was nice and cushioned, though it didn’t have any kind of recline. And it was nowhere near as ornate as hers.

“It isn’t,” she agreed with a small nod. “It’s something you’ll have plenty of time to get used to.”

“Tch. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with uppity nobles in the VIP section. Those bastards would be shoving their lips so far up your ass I’d still be trying to dig them out tonight.”

“That’s not a mental image I’m overly happy to have, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Surprised no reporters or anything have made their way up here.”

“We’re being magically eavesdropped on now, don’t you worry. And several are taking pictures.”

“Thanks for telling me that now.”

“You’re welcome. Would you like anything before the show starts?”

“Nah. Taya’s already trying to fatten me up. I don’t need stadium junkfood helping her.”

“Oh? Trying to watch your figure, hm?”

“Bah. The only reason I ain’t starving to death is because of that damn tree thing.”

“...Yes, you are disgustingly thin. Maybe I should join her in fattening you up. I think it would be good for you.”

“The only sweet thing of yours I’d like to eat is—”

“Ah, it’s starting,” she happily broke in, stopping me from talking about her super secret cake stash. She looked around the stadium near us to catch the eye of a food guy, then lifted a hoof. He blinked before shrugging and tossing her two bags of popcorn. She grabbed them both with magic and floated them over. I reached out to grab one, but she pulled it out of my reach. “You said you didn’t want any, remember?”

“Fine, be that way. You need to eat twice as much to keep your figure, anyway.” She nearly choked on the popcorn she was in the middle of shoving in her mouth, but since she shoved one of the bags at me, I think it was worth it.

But what she said before was accurate; the show thing was starting. The Luna-sounding announcer was doing her spiel quite happily, and made sure to mention how the sexiest princess was there to see the show as well (though she failed to mention the sexy part). I didn’t merit a mention, apparently, but I know a number of the peasants sitting around the stadium saw me anyway. Celestia, for her part, pleasantly waved and whatnot with one hoof, while the other shoved more popcorn in her face.

Since it was obviously the cool thing to do, I tried tasting it. As I expected, the stuff was shit. To substitute for not having any salt, it was drenched in butter. But since Celestia got it for me and I was apparently there to look pretty and play nice for the cameras, I forced myself to eat it anyway.

At least it served as an unpleasant distraction from the boring Wonderbolts show. Oh look, they’re taking a left turn. And then another left turn. And then another left turn. Ugh, how do people like fucking racing? Of course, it didn’t help that these guys were going so fast it was hard to follow them at times, and they all wore the same colored uniform so it was even harder to distinguish them, aside from the trails they left in the air.

That Soarin’ fellow won the opening race, and after that, they started with the actual show. “What did you think of that?” Celestia asked as they started to set up.

“It certainly takes skill,” I diplomatically answered. “That said, flying in a circle isn’t something I find overly entertaining.”

“Sometimes the simpler things are nice to enjoy. And there’s always the stallions… I’ve heard gossip that Soarin’s one of the most eligible bachelors in Equestria, now.”

“Lucky him. I’d prefer Spitfire. I can definitely appreciate what that spandex does for her body…”

“I’ll remember that.” Score. “I’m sure we’ll have the chance to meet both of them after the show, anyway. We can talk about… all sorts of things.” Oh man. Orgy time? Can’t wait.

The next half hour went by fairly slowly, with Celestia occasionally commenting on shit the flying horses were doing. She also got a few more snacks and made me partake each time, though I passed on the corn dogs that were actually just corn mushed into the shape of a dog.

Some time in the middle of another performance thing, a guard quietly stepped up next to Celestia and whispered something as close to her ear as he could get. She frowned and took the letter he had with him and snapped it open.

It didn’t take her very long to read it and her frown deepened even more when she finished. “It seems I’ll never be allowed more than a few moments of peace,” she sighed. “Though I suppose this should be expected, after what’s happening in the south…”

“What’s going on?” I asked when she stood.

“An unpleasant spirit is haunting Tallahorsee and it seems another might be in Mareami. This happens sometimes when they’re pushed out of one area and into another without being properly dispelled.”

“...Do you have to deal with it now?”

“I do. Bake-kujiras will drive my ponies to the point of panic immediately, and it seems there are several out and about.”


“Ghost whales, accompanied by their own fleets of ghost fish and birds. Now excuse me. I must go to the palace and get Twilight and a few other things.”

“Do you need me?”

“No. Nor would I be quick to request your presence against the undead after… your experiences.”

“Hey, I ain’t got no problem with—”

“So you say. I’ll see you in a few days, Nav.”

“...See you, sunbutt.” She smiled slightly, then her horn lit up and she popped away, leaving me with three guards that shrugged and immediately departed as well, presumably all heading back to the palace. I was also somewhat tempted to leave, but I didn’t have anything else to do anyway, so I just sighed and leaned back into the seat, thinking.

“It’ll be like this all the time, you know,” Flo said. “If you actually start dating her, you will never come before her country.” I opened my mouth to respond, but she pushed it closed. “And remember that you’re probably still being eavesdropped on.”

I’d be surprised and a little disappointed if she did put me first. We’re both adults with responsibilities and whatever. I mean, hell, Taya would come first for me.

“Taya is generally a little less demanding than a country. I’m just warning you that if you do decide to stick with Celestia, be prepared to have your moments interrupted often, when you can even have moments. And you’ll definitely have to be more polite, then. It would be bad for her if you misbehaved too much after the two of you make it public.”

There are no good options in this world, are there?

“There’s always the future. Other options may present themselves. And of course, there are always options you overlooked or ignored in the past.”

I’m not dating Fluttershy.

“I wasn’t referring to her. Perhaps in the future you’ll consider this mare more of an option. Though I suppose, given Celestia’s likely plans, such a thing wouldn’t be well-received by her.”

Which likely plans?

“Oh, just a suspicion of mine. Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about.”

My pretty little head worries about a lot of things. Especially any of Celestia’s potential plans.

“You’ll have plenty of time to be worried about this one later, if it ever comes to fruition. The way things are going, she might well reconsider.”

You’re being pointlessly vague and hiding things from me when you have absolutely no reason to. You know how much I hate that.

“I know. But frustrating you is one of the few sources of amusement I have at the moment, so I make sure to take full advantage of it whenever I can.”

You’re sadistic.

“And you’re masochistic. We make such a good couple.”

Oh? Are you saying you’re one of the ones I overlooked?

“We would be an awful couple. I know more about you than you do and I’m a few years older, besides. I’m more like the mother Freud always knew you wanted.”

Comforting. Speaking of which, since I’m going to be alone tonight now…

“Only if you beg so sweetly.”

Deal. Now, you think I should blow this joint, or keep up the act and wait for it to end?

“Wait for it to end. Don’t make it seem like you were just here because Celestia was keeping you here. And besides, it might give you a chance to hit on Spitfire some more.”

That is a very good point. But you’re not just saying that so you don’t have to molest me, right?

“I can molest you when you fall asleep tonight, since yesterday was the last day of summer.”

Huh. Figured these guys would be resting after the Summer Wrap Up thing in Ponyville.

“They’re paid to perform. If they don’t perform, they don’t get paid. Well, unless sponsorships and ads are a thing here.”

Meh. I’m honestly kinda surprised I didn’t notice it was Summer Wrap Up, or that Twilight didn’t mention it. But we were both in the palace all the time and stuck in our own little worlds, so I don’t suppose it’s too surprising it just passed us by.

...Though you’d think I would have noticed Celestia missing, or that she would have invited me had she gone to the festival out in Ponyville.

But none of that was really an issue. Honestly, I wasn’t that interested in going and I know Taya wouldn’t have cared. So I decided to focus back in on the show, where the Wonderbolts were bolting around doing wonderful things.

Each member had their own special vapor trail. Some left clouds with lightning shooting out, some left smoke clouds, and some left normal fluffy white clouds. They were using the trails to make glyphs in the sky and write some messages. I didn’t really know enough about any of them to know who was who, though.

When they finished that segment, all ten of the present Wonderbolts lined up facing the audience and the announcer started talking again. “For the next part of the show, we’ll need some pegasus volunteers from the audience!”

Of course, the crowd pretty much exploded. Hundreds of hooves immediately started waving, trying to get picked by their Wonderbolt of choice. I sighed and leaned back again, having a bad feeling Celestia was supposed to be one of the ‘volunteers’ and that I was going to get snatched in her place.

Sure enough, as nine of the fellows shot off to get their pick of the normal ponies, one of them flew directly at me and alighted on the railing in front of me. “Sup, Nav?” he said.

“Not much,” I somewhat reluctantly replied. “Let me guess: You’re looking for Celestia.”

“I was training all week to deal with somepony of her… size.”

“Well, luckily for you, she had to leave to take care of something. You’re free to choose someone normal.”

“‘Fraid not. Spits would be a little upset if I didn’t take you instead.”

“Hey, she can come get me herself. I’d be her volunteer any day, especially if it meant getting to ride her.”

He smiled. “I’ll certainly tell her you said that. Now come on.” He held out a hoof that I begrudgingly took, letting him drag me into the air. “It’s nothing embarrassing, so don’t worry.”

“Gettin’ embarrassed ain’t what I’m worried about,” I replied when he let me go so my wings could take the slack. Since he was apparently lazy, he quickly snatched up a small cloud to stand on. I sat down on his back because there wasn’t room on the cloud. We waited there for the others to take their volunteers. “So what are we doing?” I asked before the others could get back.

“You really don’t have to sit on me, you know.”

“Yeah, but you’re comfortable and I didn’t really want to leave my seat. So, what are we gonna be doing?”

“Holding hoops and making an obstacle course. Shouldn’t be tough for the great Navarone, right?”

“The hardest part will be watching you instead of one of the cute mares. But I guess there’ll be time for that after the show.”

“Yep.” He used a wing to push me off since the other athletes were either back with their volunteers or on the way back. I was somewhat expecting it, so I caught myself quickly as he lowered himself to where I was trying to stay in one place. “You uh… aren’t that good at flying, huh?”

“My wings are very different. Longer and placed in a bad spot. Hovering is hard.”

“...Wish I had known that. You aren’t that heavy. Hold on.” He held out his front hooves, so I grabbed them again and stopped flapping. He grunted once but then fell silent as the announcer started to talk.

“Our wonderful volunteers will be helping the Wonderbolts put on a show!”

Stage pegasi started flying out, all holding various items. One handed me three hoops, which I hung around my neck so I could keep hanging on to what I assumed was Soarin’. The other horses got lights, ropes, balls of varying sizes, and a few other things that I don’t really feel like listing.

When we all had our shit, the announcer continued, “Volunteers, your goal is to make a challenging course for the Wonderbolts. If you don’t know what the purpose of your item is, ask your Wonderbolt.”

“You know what hoops are, right?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, it’s a pretty difficult concept,” I sarcastically replied. I started swinging back and forth until I got enough momentum, then let go and landed on the small cloud. When I got there, I took one of the hoops in my hand to judge its weight, then tossed it a few feet up.

“Think you can use two of them?” Soarin’ asked from behind me. “We were thinking the princess could use all three, but…”

I took the other two in hand and started juggling them. His eyes bugged out and his mouth dropped. “One at a time is challenging enough, I think,” I said with a smirk.

“Well… that’s a trick I wasn’t expecting from you.”

“I got all kinds of surprises up my sleeves, flyboy. We doin’ this or what?”

“We’re supposed to wait for the others, but…”

He grinned and spread his wings before shooting off through the hoop that was in the air. He was going fast enough and timed it right, so he passed right through before it could hit him. I caught it and tossed the next one up, which he watched pass, then spread his wings and rocketed to the next one, whereupon he slammed into it because I threw it a little higher. The thing flew away and he rubbed at his nose.

“What… How did I hit it?!”

“You didn’t think I would make this easy, did you?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s gonna be like that, huh?” he asked while one of the stagehands flew me back the lost hoop. It was actually dented, not that it really mattered.

“Is that a problem?” I asked, turning to him with a small smile.

“The Wonderbolts live for challenges,” he flippantly replied. My smirk just grew.

By the end of that volunteer segment, all the hoops had several more dents and each of the Wonderbolts had an aching nose. Somehow, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be volunteered for anything at any of their shows in the future.

As tempting as it was to just straight up leave when we were told to go back to our seats, I decided to behave and go back to the special VIP area and sit back in my spot. Then I looked over at Celestia’s better chair and sat in that one instead, because fuck da police.

There was only one more section of the show anyway, just another few outro races to wrap everything up. Those finished quickly enough and as soon as the announcer said the show was done, the pegasi that got selected as volunteers were immediately swarmed. Paparazzi and whatnot, probably.

They were all smart enough to leave me alone.

I did get two other guests before I could leave, though. Spitfire and Soarin’ both landed in my booth. “‘Sup, Nav?” Spits asked. “Where’d the princess go?”

“Some shit’s going down in the south and she had to go take care of it. Apparently it was some kind of emergency. She’s probably already teleported there.”

“That’s a shame. We were looking forward to having her up there with us again. But then, you did a good enough job keeping us alert.”

“Is that a bit of a red nose there I see, captain?” I asked, reaching out to boop her.

“Very funny,” she replied, gently swatting at me with a hoof.

“Well, I’ve heard I give excellent wing massages, if you’re interested in a bit of repayment,” I said. “I don’t have any plans tonight…” At least, not anymore.

“Well well… That might be an offer I’d want to take.”

“Before you do, I suppose it would be polite to tell you… I’m kinda a female now.” They both blinked. “It involves a demon and a curse and yada yada, I have a vag now instead of a dick.”

“Um. Seriously?” Spits asked, cocking her head slightly.

“Yeah. If you’re not interested anymore, I understand.” She looked away and idly rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “Oh well… You’re probably pretty busy, captain and all.”

She jerked her eyes back up. “I mean… It’s not…”

“Hey, not being attracted to a gender is perfectly understandable. Not everyone is bi. But just know that if I get my penis back, I’m coming for dat ass.”

She finally smiled. “Only if you can catch me. But I might not run too hard. I’ll see you around, Nav.” And just like that, my chance at getting laid that night spread her wings and left.

“Fuck,” I cursed, slamming my foot into the ground. Then I noticed that Soarin’ was still standing there. “You need something?”

“So you’re… a mare?”

“I’m a woman. Female human. I’d prefer that not spread around too much, too. If you don’t need anything, I’m heading back to the palace.”

“Well… If you don’t have any plans, I’d love to hear the story. Maybe over dinner? Call it my treat, to make up for dragging you out as a volunteer.”

“Sure, I guess. Better than sitting back in the palace, bored as hell. You know Canterlot better than me, I bet. Where we going?”

“I know this place that has some awesome pie.”

“...Pie actually sounds really good right now. You need to get outta that uniform first?”

“Nah. Let’s go.” We both spread our wings and took off. When he realized how slow I was, he flitted back and matched my speed. “So what did you think of the show?”

“Pretty cool stuff, but I’m honestly not all that interested in most of it. I respect the skills, but it’s just not my thing. More of a fighter and a lover, I guess.”

“Well, I don’t know much about one of those. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing you in a practice fight, though. Unfortunately, the princess doesn’t really hold tournaments anymore, outside of the Europe parties.”

“She’d probably ban me anyway. She tried doing that with the Europe things. I gave her a cute grin and tickled her behind the ears to let me back in.”

“Sounds nice.”

“According to most ponies, it is. Belly rubs, wing massages, ear scratches. You guys have all kinds of adorable hotspots.” Since I was kind of expecting to be followed, I stopped flying and turned around. Sure enough, all manner of reporters and paparazzi were following us.

“What’s wro—oh.” I started pulling out a dagger and moved forward slightly, making them all scatter before Soarin’ grabbed my arm and pulled me into him. “Hold on tight.” When I saw his wings flex, I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and he shot off, leaving those bastards in the dust before they could regroup. He stopped halfway across the city and let me go. “Sorry about that. They follow us after shows sometimes.”

“Some were probably after me, too. They should know better, but some people are just gluttons for punishment. Anyway, shall we?”

“Yeah.” We started flying again, heading further into the city. “I’m always really hungry after these shows. Spits doesn’t like us eating too much before them. Says it’ll make us sluggish.”

“It can, depending on what you eat. And needing to pee definitely won’t help. Nerves can also make you sick if you eat, but I don’t think that’s really a problem for you guys.”

“For the newer members, it can be. I didn’t think you were an athlete, though.”

“I’m not. But it’s the same for a battle. The only difference is that you’re always nervous, experienced or not. If you fuck up, you lose the race and maybe upset some fans. If I fuck up, I die.”

“Understandable. This is our stop.” He started landing, so I followed him down. We were in a nice little plaza without that many ponies around. The few present saw us land but barely even reacted, aside from a few double-takes when they saw Soarin’s outfit. After a short moment to get his bearings, he started walking to a small diner on a corner.

Since he was finally silent for the first time, Flo decided it was time to make a point you probably should have fucking made as soon as it came to your attention, Flo.

Excuse me, I’m still a little bitter.

“So you realize you just agreed to a date with a stallion, right?” she asked.

This isn’t a date, Flo. He just asked me out.

Holy shit, I just agreed to a date with a stallion.

“This is how it all starts, you know,” she conversationally said. “First you start dating stallions, then you start dressing up like a girl everywhere, and then you end all your nights leaking cum from a different guy as you shamelessly fly back to the castle, minus the panties you let him keep as a trophy.”

That escalated quickly.

“Like your breathing when your paramour of the night starts pounding you?”

Christ, I get it, woman. Jesus. He probably didn’t even mean it as a date, anyway. Just being nice, or whatever.

“Then why’s he pulling out your chair?”

It was at that point that I realized we were actually in the diner. I had zoned out when Flo decided to tell me she thought it was a date and didn’t even notice that we made it in. Since the bastard was pulling out a chair for me (I think), I walked around to the other side of the table and sat down, leaving him awkwardly standing there before shrugging and joining me at the table.

“I’m kinda surprised you agreed to join me,” he said as he started pulling the headpiece of his uniform back.

It’s not a date, it’s not a date, it’s not a date… “Well, you said you were interested in how I became a chick. I figured you probably have a few interesting stories, too. Besides, it’s not like I have a lot going on right now anyway. Honestly, I’m surprised you asked me to join you. I’m sure you have all kinds of groupies you could be fucking right now.”

Before he could answer, a cute waitress announced herself and took drink orders. He got some kind of shake. I got water, because I’m lame. When she walked off, he said, “You don’t have to go cheap on me, Nav. I said it was my treat.”

“My stomach’s about the size of my fist. I get something too heavy, I won’t be able to get any pie. Or much else, for that matter.”

“Huh. For something as tall as yourself, I figured you’d have a bigger appetite.”

“I have a voracious appetite of a different sort. So yeah, why are you here instead of with a few groupies?”

“Because sometimes a stallion just wants some pie, voracious appetite or not. Besides, good company can be worth a few cute mares. But it’s better when that good company is also cute.”

“Well, at least I have one of those down.” The waitress came back with the drinks and asked for our orders. Because she’s a sexist pig, I got to pick first. “Celestial salad, no flowers. And a slice of whatever your best pie is, because Soarin’ will bug me all night if I don’t.” Celestial salad is just Ceasar salad, minus the brutal murder.

“You’ll love it,” he said with a smirk. The chick turned to him, so he said, “The biggest quiche you got and the rest of the pie she ordered.” She wrote it all down and walked off, making sure to swing her tail so Soarin’ could get a good look. Of course, he was back to looking at me, but I got to appreciate the view. “So yeah, how’d you get so cute?”

“I’m going to assume you’re asking how I became a chick. I pissed off a demon of chaos and he used a cursed artifact to permanently change my gender.” Because that was the reason he wanted to talk to me in the first place, I expanded on it, detailing the exact story and the circumstances and all that fun stuff.

When I finished, he leaned back and said, “Seems like you’re making the best of a bad situation, to me.”

“By avoiding as many people as possible so not many people learn I’m a chick? I’ve been looking for a way to turn back, but it’s starting to look like I’m shit outta luck.”

“Well… you can always embrace it. Start dressing nice and don’t bother hiding it. Trust me when I say that it’s a lot easier to have everything out in the open than stressing about a big secret.”

Ugh. “Sounds like personal experience.”

“It is. Let’s just say I really didn’t want to be a Wonderbolt when I was a colt.”

“...You didn’t want to be one, but here you are. How did that happen?”

“It’s… kind of a long story.”

“I told you mine. Only fair you tell me yours.” He grimaced slightly, but was saved for the moment by the arrival of food. When the sexy waitress left, though, I put the pressure back on. “You already implied it’s something others know. Ain’t gonna hurt nothin’ by telling me.”

“Alright… I’ve known Spits for a while, now. She always wanted to be a Wonderbolt, but she was afraid to go to the academy alone. I was a good friend and quick enough to get in, so she asked if I’d apply with her. Sure enough, we both made it. My first week there, I just messed around, since I didn’t really want to be there anyway. Hay, even getting in pretty much gave me a free ride to any weather job I’d want. But then we met the captain at the time, and I… kinda got a massive crush on her. All kinds of sexy, the perfect attitude, a perfect voice… Everything that could be right about her was.”

“I can’t imagine she was happy to find out.”

“I figured the same thing. After I met her, I started actually trying. It was a long, grueling period, but I thought it would be worth it when I proved myself to her.”

“Proving yourself to someone that doesn’t even know you like them isn’t really a good idea.”

“I was young. At the end of the academy session, Spits and I were the last two candidates left. We were in. Less than a day later, I learned two very important things.”

“Let me guess: She was married.”

“Not quite, but she might as well have been. The first thing I learned is that there’s a very strict no-fraternization rule in the Wonderbolts.”


“The second thing is that she was a lesbian.”

“Double ouch.”

“Who tried to seduce Spitfire while she was still in the academy and it wouldn’t be against the rules.”

“Triple ouch.”

“Who also had a crush on me the whole time.”

“Oh come on!”

“Yeah, that one was a joke. Probably. Either way, that’s how I became a Wonderbolt for all the wrong reasons.”

“...So why are you still one?”

“Contract. Or at least, the first five years were because of a contract. After that, it kinda grew on me, I guess. It’s a lot of work, but it pays well, I know it, and I get invited to all the best parties with all the best food.”

“So nothing about the love of the sport or liking competition?”

“Nah. Who cares about flying in circles? Even now, it still sometimes makes me dizzy.”

“Wow. Gotta suck, doing something you don’t really like that much.”

“Eh, it pays the bills. And the maneuvers we do are fun sometimes. It’s just the races, really. Besides, you can’t tell me you like fighting for your life.”

“There was a time I’d tell you that I hated it. But after a while, it… wormed its way into my mind. I got pretty decent at it. Fighting makes me feel… alive. I probably shouldn’t talk about killing to a pony. Not after what happened with Luna. But to a predator, that kinda stuff is what makes me tick, even if I think it’s barbaric.”

“...You don’t think it’s barbaric, do you?”

“I don’t. Killing is fun. Makes my heart start pounding in all the right ways. Coming out on top in the most basic fight there is gives you the biggest boost you could ever imagine, makes you feel strong. And there is absolutely no better feeling than when you come out of a battle the victor, unscathed. I don’t consider it wrong in the slightest.”

He looked down to what little was left of his quiche, which let me attack the pie with a small feeling of happiness digging at me. He may have wanted it to be a date, but I figured I ruined it pretty nicely.

And fuck, that pie was pretty awesome. “This is some bomb-ass pie, dude.”

“I know, right?” He pushed his main plate away and started devouring his pie with gusto, just shoving his face into the tin and eating it like a virgin trying to eat a chick out.

“Something tells me you’d like a pie eating contest.”

“They’re the best,” he said around mouthfuls. “You ever do one?”

“A few times. Perfect chance for free pie, but I don’t really play to win. If you pile that shit in too quickly, it’s hard to actually enjoy it.”

He swallowed the last bite and sat back, rubbing at his tummy. “I learned to eat fast in the dining hall. If you take too long, you won’t get to finish. Better to barely enjoy something than go hungry, especially when you need the energy.”

“True. I learned to take my time when I was starving in the Egyptian desert. Getting food was rare enough that it was worth it to take your time with it. And before that, when I was having to hunt to get meat in the Everfree, I took my time with it to savor the taste.”

“...You eat meat?”

“I like how your mind filtered out the Everfree part and where I mentioned the desert and went straight to me eating meat.”

He blinked and shrugged. “It seemed like the most pressing thing, I guess.”

“I do eat it, yes. Didn’t you notice when I said that I was a predator?”

“I was too busy thinking about eating pie.”

“Man. When my grandmother used to say the quickest way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, I thought she meant by using a knife so you bypassed the ribs. Maybe there’s something to it after all.”

“You used to be one. You should know just as well as me, right?”

“True enough. I don’t think I’ve ever really had anyone I was interested in cook for me, though.”

“Me either, actually. Though I haven’t been on many dates, which might be why.”

“Same. The dragon I dated probably couldn’t cook and Luna was too busy being a psychopath. Haven’t really dated anyone outside of those two, but the stallion I met in Appaloosa might disagree with that. I didn’t try his cooking, though.”

“You’ve really been all over the place, haven’t you?”

“Oh yeah. At this point, I’ve fought and bled on every continent except for Asia. Fought cats in Egypt, played with sheep in Israel, killed naga in the wastelands, killed a griffin assassin in Gryphus, destroyed a crime syndicate in Germany, wiped out some giant ants for the changelings, killed all kinds of weird shit in the Everfree, killed another assassin in Russia, fought an ancient evil king in the new Crystal Empire, fought giant spiders down south, and most recently fought a horde of undead at the bottom of the world. It’s been fun.”

“Ever been hurt? I don’t really see any scars.”

“Healing magic took care of all of those. I’ve been beaten to a pulp several times. Brought to the edge of death and all that. That part isn’t as much fun, trust me. Hell, I’ve lost all my feathers more than once. Now that sucks. They itch like crazy coming back out and your wings are all weird and gross-looking until they do.”

“And I bet not being able to fly wasn’t much fun, either.”

“Eh. Not having to preen was a big bonus, but getting turned on by every gentle breeze against them wasn’t fun. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem now, though. I got plenty of people willing to help me scratch that itch.”

“I imagine… And you probably have plenty of ponies willing to fly you around, too.”

“Yeah. And a dragon, though he’s currently in the Everfree.” Well, two dragons, if you count Spike.

“Oh yeah, I actually remember hearing about that! Didn’t you bring him to Canterlot?”

“Yeah. He’s a pretty chill dude. It’s actually kinda strange, for a dragon. Most of them are really volatile.”

“I noticed that at a few of the Europe parties. I do my best to avoid them, now. What about changelings?”

“About half of them are too stupid to have many feelings. The others are bred to be too obedient to get that angry. There are a few that are smarter, but not many. Griffins and cats are both dangerous and relatively volatile, though. I think it’s just the whole being a predator thing. They’re both mostly obligate carnivores, so they have the murderous mindset. I’m a full omnivore, so I’m a bit more sane.”

“Well, at least there’s that…” The waitress brought the bill, which he pushed back. “Add it to my tab.” She shrugged and took it back, then said her pointless niceties before fucking right back off. “Sometimes being famous is nice,” he said with a smile.

“Sometimes. Got any other stories you want to hear?”

“A few, if you don’t mind telling them. But I’d rather hear them outside, if you don’t mind. This suit gets really warm without fresh air blowing through it.”

“Fine with me, though I hope you have some stories of your own. Talking about myself gets boring.”

He stood, his smile growing wider. “I have a few about my time in the academy you might enjoy.”

“I think I’d like a story about the Wonderbolt Academy.” I hopped up myself and joined him as he walked to the exit. “So where are we going?”

“There’s a nice park nearby. After all that exercise with my wings, stretching my legs will feel nice.”

“Then let’s go.”

And so we went. I already know all my stories, so there’s no reason to rewrite them. His stories were mostly short, so they were hardly worth recording. I did notice that there were a strangely large amount of couples at the park, but there wasn’t really a reason to comment on it.

When I finished with the last story he wanted to hear about (the time I brought Christmas to Ponyville), he found a nice little hill to park himself on, facing the setting sun. “Comfortable?” I asked, not joining him.

“A little. Sunsets are always nice. I usually have to watch them from the academy, so it’s nice to get a ground’s eye view of it.”

“Dude, we’re on the side of a fucking mountain.”

“You know what I mean.” He patted the ground next to him. “Want to join me?” I sighed and sat next to him, though I couldn’t help but ask myself why. “You seem more like a sunrise kinda mare to me, though.”

“I’m surprised I seem like any kind of mare to you, aside from the whole having a vagina thing. And the voice, I guess.”

“And the hair,” he said, reaching back and gently tugging on my ponytail. “Not many stallions have hair this long.”

“The point is, it seems weird that you’d think of me as a chick.”

“I’m progressive,” he replied with a shrug.

Or secretly gay. “...But yes, I do prefer sunrises. The night is… no longer a friend.”

“That’s not the reason I was thinking, but it does make sense.” He finally fell silent as the sun continued to sink below the horizon. After a few minutes, he sat up a little. “It’s been a long day.”

“It’s been a long season, for me. I don’t really get to sleep in the spring or summer. Tonight’s the first night in a while when I’ll actually get to rest.”

“Because of the tree thing?”

“Because of the tree thing. Kinda looking forward to it, honestly.”

“I can imagine. When do you need to get back home?”

“Soon. I’ll lose a lot of energy after the sun goes down.”

“Huh. Well, I guess I’ll fly with you, just in case.” He started to stand.

“You don’t need to do that,” I said as I also stood.

“I don’t mind. I’m the reason you were out this late anyway. You’re staying at the palace, right?”

“Yeah. But you really don’t have to—”

“Don’t worry about it. You ready?” I sighed again and nodded. “Then let’s go.” We both spread our wings and took off. Just to be extra careful, he grabbed my hand with a hoof. I gave him a questioning glance and he just smiled.

I’m kind of an idiot.

Since he’s a world-class superstar athlete, it didn’t really take us long to get back to the palace. He insisted on walking me all the way up to the front door, of course. It’s not like I was about to collapse or anything, but I guess some people just like being careful.

Or, you know, I’m an idiot.

“I had a lot of fun today,” he said when we got as far as he was going.

“Well, you did win,” I said. “And you got to do all kinds of neat maneuvers.”

“I think you know what I meant,” he replied with a knowing smile. “We might have to do this again sometime.”

“Maybe, though I don’t know what other stories you might want to hear.”

“Oh, I’m sure we can find something to do.”

“Eh, probably…”

A small silence seeped in before he said, “Goodbye for now, then.” I started to turn to go, but he quickly hopped up and kissed me. It wasn’t a very long one, but it was enough to make me freeze in shock. Before I could recover, he had already taken off, flying away faster than I could even think to catch him.

“Have a good time… ma’am?” one of the sun guards asked with a smirk.

His smile disappeared when I kicked him in the crotch.

When I got back to my room, my mind was still reeling and I didn’t even notice Taya before I fell onto the bed with her. “So what were you up to, daddy?” she asked from next to me, making me flinch in surprise. “Celestia left a few hours ago. I thought you’d be back sooner…”

“...Taya, I think I just dated a stallion.”

She stared at me in surprise for just a few seconds before bursting into laughter.

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