Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


146. Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One—Trixie's Challenge

Time passes strangely quickly when you have nothing to do. It seems somewhat counterintuitive, I know, but having two days of absolutely nothing going on was… amazing. I didn’t even have anyone trying to jump my bones, aside from a very pissed off Gilda. She was trying to hurt me more than anything, but I… dissuaded her.

The Summer Harvest Parade went off without a hitch, though I didn’t go. Staying inside and being lazy was easier. It also helped me avoid more fillies (and possibly colts, for all I knew) that had crushes on me, since pretty much everyone from the town was there.

The day after the parade, one good thing and one bad thing happened. The good thing is that my period ended. I was heading to Twilight’s library when I was informed of the bad thing, by the mare I was looking for.

“Hey Twilight, can we go back to the library?” I asked. That should have been enough of a hint for her, but she shook her head.

“We don’t have time,” she rather gravely said. “We need to talk. In private. Where are you staying?”

“With Vinyl. What’s going on?”

“Lead the way to her house. This is important.”

I sighed and started walking back to the house. We were about halfway to Vinyl’s pad, so it would take us a few minutes. “Well, my period’s done,” I said. “So whenever we get this out of the way, we can celebrate.”

“If today had gone differently, that would be right on the top of my list of things to do.” She shut up after that and I figured I wouldn’t get anything else out of her.

Must be something that’s actually important. Just fucking great. It didn’t take us but a few minutes to get to Vinyl’s house. Very thankfully, Taya was gone for the moment, off to Rarity’s house for some chores. Namely, to get some of my clothes fixed.

Being a parent is nice sometimes.

Anyway, I led the way to my room. “So what’s going on?” I asked.

“...Have you been painting?” she asked.

“Yes. You said there was something important?”

She blinked and shook her head, looking away from the painting. “Fluttershy’s been kidnapped.”

My hands both went to my sword and I pulled it free. “Let’s go kill some bitches, then.”

She grabbed my hands with magic and shook her head. “It’s not that simple.” A scroll appeared next to her and floated over to me. “Read this.” She let both of my hands go, so I put the sword away and opened the scroll.

Trixie has taken your yellow friend. If you want this useless pony back, come to my new castle. Trixie believes you know where it is. Bring your pet ape. Know that Trixie works with a powerful being now, and he is watching you. Should you attempt to tell anypony what Trixie has done, or bring anypony else, Trixie will make sure your yellow friend never sees the sun again. You have two days.

A short tuft of pink hair was taped to the bottom, presumably from Fluttershy. I looked at it for a few seconds before my head slowly tilted back up. “You’re certain this is Fluttershy’s? And that she’s actually been kidnapped?”

“That’s definitely Fluttershy’s hair,” Twilight grimly said. “And Angel brought me this letter. We’ll check her house before we go for sure, but… I think we have to go.”

“It’s quite obviously a trap.”

“But we can’t let Fluttershy get hurt.”

I sighed and nodded. “I know. Who’s Trixie and why does she hate us?”

“...Really? You don’t remember?”

“The name rings a bell, but that’s all I can say. It’s been a long few years.”

“She’s the blue unicorn we did a silly magic competition with a few years ago. She tried casting her own spell, which went out of control. She’s the reason you have wings.”

“Oh yeah! So she’s still alive, huh? And she’s after us now. Twenty bits says that powerful being is Discord.”

She snorted and said, “No bet. Not that we should be betting about that anyway. What do you suggest we do, Nav?”

“Go in armed to the teeth. Straight up murder her as soon as we can. No talking, no competing, no cooperation. Straight up execute her.”

“...I don’t like that plan. Nav, she may be… working with Discord now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be convinced to turn against him. If she is working with him, she knows him. We need to know what she knows. I definitely agree that we need to be ready to fight, but I don’t think that should be our first choice.”

“She kidnapped Fluttershy, Twilight. This is a very high risk situation. Knowledge is good, but do you really think we should risk letting Fluttershy get hurt?”

“Fluttershy’s our friend, but we’re talking about the fate of every sapient being on the planet. I don’t want to risk letting her get hurt, but learning more about Discord might be worth it.”

“...Did Aqua feed you that line?”

“No. She doesn’t agree.”

“Unfortunately for her, I do. We can… try reasoning with her first. But if she starts attacking, all bets are off. I’ll happily put that bitch down. Now, how are we going to get out of town without getting followed? You know Taya’s gonna want to go.”

“Then don’t tell her you’re leaving. Just leave her a note. She can’t follow us if she doesn’t see us leave.”

“Absolutely fucking not. I may be a terrible father, but I’m not going to go into a possibly dangerous place without at least telling her myself that I’m leaving.”

“Even though you know she’ll probably try to follow you when you tell her it’s dangerous?”

“Psh, I never said I’d tell her that. I’ll tell her… part of the truth. Go back to the library and get ready. I’ll meet you there once I speak to her.”

“Be careful with what you say, Nav. If Discord’s really watching us—”

“I know he is. He manipulated Taya into almost getting me killed a few months back. I don’t think he’ll mind too much if I tell her just part of the truth.”

“...You’re going to explain that on the way. Get ready quickly. I’ll be at the library.” Before I could respond, her horn lit up and she teleported out. As soon as she bailed, I started packing up. Two sets of clothes went into a bag, along with a few knives. My armor went on, since carrying it in a bag would have been annoying. Then I grabbed my sword, gun, the magazines for it, and all the rest of my knives. When I was geared up, I swung the cloak over my shoulders, grabbed the bag, and went on my way.

Well, until I bumped into Vinyl in her front room. “Whoa. Is there a fight happening or something?”

“Or something,” I said. “I’m really sorry, but can you watch Taya for a few days? Something came up and one of my friends is gonna get murdered if I don’t go deal with it.”

Both of her eyebrows shot up. “Well now, can’t really say no to that, can I. What’s going on?”

“I can’t say. Being watched. Don’t tell anyone what I just said, either.”

“My lips are sealed. But that friend better not be Octavia. Or anypony else I know and like.”

“It’s not. I’ll see you when I get back. And uh… Taya might not be too happy.”

“I’ll keep her entertained. Just… Well, she’s technically legal, but—”

Hell no.”

“Just checking. Good luck, Nav.”

“I’m afraid I’ll need it. Later.” With that, I let myself out and started walking toward Rarity’s fancy boutique. All the ponies definitely gave me stares with my scary armor, but my helmet was on my belt so they could all tell it was me. That put them enough at ease that they all smiled at me. I don’t know if that should have been reassuring or not, but I definitely didn’t return their smiles. A friend in danger didn’t really seem like cause to be in a smiling mood.

I made it to Rarity’s gaily decorated abode quickly, since none of the ponies that saw my face decided to stop to try to talk to me. There was no reason or time to knock, so I channeled my inner JRPG character and let myself in. Rarity was merrily sewing some shirts and talking to Taya, who was lying on the couch looking bored out of her fucking mind. I didn’t stop to listen to what they were talking to, of course.

“Taya, I need to leave town.”

They both looked up, but Taya reacted first. “When are we leaving?”

“I as in me. Not you.”

She just scoffed.“Real funny, daddy. So yeah, when are we leaving?”

“I as in if you go, someone will literally be murdered.” For some reason, Taya still looked pretty determined.

Rarity’s eyebrows shot up at that tidbit, though. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“I can’t talk about it. And you can’t talk about it either.”

“I most certainly can! I—”

“The person I am going to save will be killed if this is spread. This person is more your friend than mine. Keep your mouth fucking shut. Taya, Vinyl knows I’m leaving. You can stay with her or with someone else, but if I catch you following me, I’m going to tan your hide so red that Big Mac will think you’re his long lost sister. And then you’ll be grounded for at least a year.”

Rarity’s eyes narrowed slightly and she said, “I hardly think threats are necessary, Nav.”

“When you become a parent, by all means, govern your child as you’d like. Taya, do you understand?” Her teeth were grinding, so she just nodded. “Trust me, I really want to take you. And given the choice, I’d bring a fucking army. But a life is at stake and I’m not going to risk it. Don’t worry about me,” I said, tapping my armored chest. “I’ll be very well protected.” With a magic blocking ring, magic resistant armor, and Twilight.

“But not by me.”

“Unfortunately, no. Now…” I swooped in and pulled her into a hug before she could even try to fight back. She took it like the little hug slut she is, and even returned it as hard as she could. Oh yeah, I bet you like that, don’t you. Take all the cuddles, you good little girl. “I love you,” I whispered. She whispered something I couldn’t hear back. I pretended (and hoped) it was a proclamation of her own love and let her go. “I’ll see you when I get back, Taya.”

“Okay, daddy,” she sadly said.

I turned to go, but Rarity asked, “What, no goodbye hug for moi?”

“You already said you don’t like the vag, so no. See you when I see you.”

“Hugs and friendship should hardly rely on such base urges to exist, Nav.” I lifted an eyebrow. “But fine. Be that way.” She turned her head up at me, so I just started walking. “Hm… Perhaps I shall bring your daughter when Fluttershy and I go on our spa trip!”

Good fucking luck. “Up to her,” I said as I opened the door. When I turned to shut it behind me, Taya was grimacing in distaste.

With the most important part of leaving completed, I started going to Twilight’s library. I withered several more stares before arriving. Twilight was in the front room, some saddlebags on her back. “You ready?” she asked.

“We’ll need to pick up some food before we leave,” I said. “And we’d move a lot faster if you gave yourself wings again.”

“We would, but that spell is very draining. I doubt Trixie has been idle in the five years it’s been since we last saw her. I want to be ready for anything, so we’ll go the long way.”

“Fair enough. We’ll still need food.”

“I already got some, though I uh… kinda assumed you wouldn’t be eating. If you think we’ll need more, we can stop by the market before leaving.”

“I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”

She nodded and we both stepped out and were immediately set upon by Pinkie. “So where you going?” she happily asked, bouncing up and down right in front of us.

“A place you can’t follow,” I said. “And I’m saying that to the serious Pinkie you have in there, not the regular one. Don’t follow and don’t ask.”

She immediately stopped bouncing. “It’s something big, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Twilight confirmed with a nod. “And we can’t tell you more.”

“Then I’ll keep Rainbow Dash distracted until you’re too far away,” Pinkie said with a large smile. “Though I think Gilda’s doing a pretty good job herself.”

“Just in case,” I said. “I have a feeling she might follow me to the ends of the world if she thought I was leaving without telling her again.”

“Probably!” Then she pounced forward and pulled us both into a hug. “Good luck! And I’ll see you both when you get back.” And with that, she let us go and started bouncing away.

I readjusted the rifle’s strap and started walking. Twilight joined me immediately and so began our journey. Many tales could be written and songs could be sung over the deeds and words we shared on that trip. The bond between us grew and grew as we got closer to our destination, though we never really got as far as we could have. But truly, our journey was epic.

All too soon (about ten minutes later), we were standing outside of Fluttershy’s house. “That walk always seems to take so long,” I said as she knocked on the door.

“You just like making everything dramatic,” Twilight answered as we waited. After a full minute with no answer, we let ourselves inside. “So what are we looking for?”

“Fluttershy. Most of her animals fucked off while we were on the airship, so I doubt she’d be with them. I’ll check upstairs. You look out back.” She nodded and started walking to the kitchen. I went up the stairs and poked my head in her room.

Right there on the bed was Trixie, lying in what a lesser man might consider an alluring pose. What remained of her horn was floating in a horn-like shape over her forehead, almost like a lava lamp. Her skin seemed to be stretched tighter than it should have been and I swear her legs had more joints than they were supposed to. Her eyes looked mostly empty. Strangely enough, the creepiest thing was her complete lack of facial expression.

“I’m looking forward to our date, ape,” she said with a warm, breathy voice. “Your precious friend will be kept quite safe, I assure you.”

“I think she’d be a little safer if she was on that bed instead of you.”

“Perhaps. Get here soon. I can barely wait.” And just like that, she disappeared, leaving not even an impression on the bed behind. I went back down the stairs and then out back.

“She’s not out here,” Twilight said when I stepped out.

“Yeah, I know. Trixie was in her room.”

“What?! She didn’t hurt you, did she?”

“No. But it’s too late for her, Twilight.”

“How can you tell?”

“Her eyes were empty. No sign of expression on her face at all. Something inside of her checked out a long time ago. There’s no telling what Discord did to her.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I was afraid of that…”

“It… actually is kinda sad,” I said, patting her back. “Trixie seemed like a bitch, sure, but not an evil one.” Then I shrugged. “Oh well. Let’s go kill her real quick and grab Fluttershy.”

“You are far too comfortable with this.”

“That’s only because Flo doesn’t let me have nightmares anymore. If it makes you feel any better, I can watch your dreams after we deep six this bitch.”

She started blushing, and said, “Given what happened the last time you were in my dreams, I’m not certain I want you there.”

“Hey, you had fun!”

“I do not want to sleep with Celestia and Cadance, thank you very much!”

“Tch. Coulda fooled me, the way you were moaning.”

That made her face turn an even brighter red. “Anybody would moan, the way Celestia was—I’m not having this conversation! Let’s just go!”

“Alright, fine. Do you remember the way to the castle?”

She sniffed quite noisily and started walking off, her nose held high. I followed, chuckling.

“So can you at least tell me the theory?” Twilight asked. “We can’t really… practice right now, but I couldn’t find many books about it.”

“There probably aren’t any books about it, not unless you feel like visiting Athena. And that bitch scares me, so no thanks. But yeah, I guess we could talk about it. Anything in particular you wanted to know?”

“Just start from the top. Pretend I don’t know anything.”

“Alright, I guess. BDSM is all about respect and boundaries.”

“The one on bottom respecting the top’s orders?”

“Other way around,” I said. “The dom absolutely must respect the sub and all of his boundaries. It’s a relationship that only works and is only fun when the dom doesn’t push their authority too far. Pressing against boundaries is fine, but breaking them can seriously hurt the sub, both physically and mentally. You have to establish all of this beforehand. That’s one of the reasons I said Dash might be a little too advanced for you.”

“But if the… dom is in charge, why don’t they get to set the rules and boundaries? That seems so counterintuitive.”

“Because, again, it’s all about respect and having fun. If the dom just does whatever he wants, it’s pretty much rape. The sub probably won’t have any fun and will likely be traumatized. That’s why you have to know what they want and why you have to be ready to stop the moment they use the safe word. Let’s put it this way. Say I still had a dick and started fucking you in the ass, raw.” Her eyes went wide. “I might enjoy it, but you’d be begging me to stop immediately. You wouldn’t like that one bit, but I’m the dom and I don’t care what you want. How likely would you be to do anything with me again?”

“...Not very.”


“But… isn’t the point of the dom to be in control? How is that really in control?”

“The sub gives the dom power within a limited range and with a killswitch to make sure the dom doesn’t go too far. The dom still very much has the power in that situation, but it’s a limited power. It lets both parties get off.”

“That’s… a lot different than I thought it would be,” Twilight slowly said.

“You don’t even know the half of it. Wait until we get into what kind of knots are safe to use versus what kind will leave your partner half-dead.” I almost sighed when she magicked forth a pen and some paper to take notes.

“So has Aqua raped you yet?” I asked.

“No. She says that’s gross and that if I want to get off, I should just tell you.”

“...So she straight up refuses to actually get you off, even when you’re in heat?”

“I didn’t even think to ask her then, actually. And she says that she wouldn’t because it’s unhealthy. I should apparently get a special somepony since that would be better for me.”

“Man, I’m glad Flo isn’t that reserved. Though it can be pretty annoying when she asks to borrow my body to have sex.”

“I only did that once!” Flo quite indignantly said with my mouth.

“And you never said no the other times I offered,” I said with a smirk.

“...It was an interesting experience,” she petulantly answered.

“Aqua wants to know how it’s possible for a host to corrupt an elemental.”

“Now that’s not fair,” I quickly said. “Flo’s the one that asked me for sex when I first met her. If anything, I bet she’s the one corrupting me.”

“Oh, you wish,” Flo said, again using my mouth. “I know you have a corruption fetish. I bet you’ll be wet the entire time you’re fighting Trixie.”

“There’s corruption and then there’s corruption,” I said. “Turning little miss blueberry over there into an abomination is horrifying. Turning Twilight’s bookwormy ass into a professional dom is hot.”

“...Please never say ‘bookwormy ass’ again,” Twilight said. “That gives me… all the wrong images.”

“Fair enough.”

“I still don’t see why you won’t let me ride you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“You’re wearing armor, Nav. And I’m not really used to physical exertion. You should know that.”

“I know, but I offered to take it off. I mean, I’m not heavy. I’m pretty much fucking skeletal. Hell, the only reason I haven’t straight up starved to death is because of Flo and this stupid tree thing.”

“...You’ve been like that for so long I forgot what you actually look like when you’re healthy.”

“Yeah, me too. But Taya’s trying to get me there again, don’t you worry. The point remains, I’m not fucking heavy. You could easily carry me and barely even notice.”

“Or you could stop being such a foal and just deal with it. You made this walk before without complaining.”

“Well, yeah. That was before I got wings. Now, fuck walking.”

“I don’t like it either, but you don’t see me complaining!”

“Yeah, but you have four legs. That distributes your weight a lot better than just my two. Your legs start hurting half as quickly as mine do.”

“I’m still not letting you ride me.”

“What if I promise to scratch you behind the ears?”

“...Maybe for just a few minutes.”

“And then she shoved her horn right up my—”

“Ugh, why are you still talking about this?!” Twilight groaned from under me.

“Hey, you’re the one that asked why Celestia always spends so much time with me,” I said, shifting slightly to keep my balance. Lying on her back was hard, but not impossible. I don’t think she really liked it, but being able to see the setting sun was neat.

“I meant more generally! You didn’t have to tell me what you did to her the last time you saw her…”

“What I did to her? Psh. She wishes I had a horn for that. I gotta say, it’s pretty fucking amazing what a horn can do when you put it right against the g-spot. I’m gonna have so much fun when I get my dick back. One of the few good things about being a chick for so long is finding out what really, really gets them off.”

“Sometimes I wonder what else is going on in that mind of yours, aside from sex and violence.”

“Not much,” Flo said with my mouth.

Nobody asked you. “Disregard her,” I said. “She still hasn’t quite learned her place.” And just like that, Flo shot my right wing out, knocking me flat off Twilight’s back and into the dirt. “No respect, I fucking swear.”

“Aqua says you need to respect yourself before expecting it from others,” Twilight said, using magic to pick me up and set me on my feet.

I didn’t reply.

“So who gets first watch?” Twilight asked when we were setting up camp.

“Nobody. Put up a ward and we’ll let Aqua and Flo just listen. They can’t sleep anyway.”

“That seems… irresponsible,” Twilight said.

“The last time we came this way, we didn’t even bother with a ward. Hell, this looks like it’s pretty close to the same place we stopped, too. We’ll be fine.” Given that we were in a large clearing in the middle of one of the most peaceful forests I had ever seen, I wasn’t expecting too many problems. It’s not like we were sleeping on top of an ancient human burial ground or anything.

“...If you say so,” Twilight sighed, shrugging. Then her horn lit up and she pulled out a sleeping bag. “So are we going to tell spooky stories and make smores, or should we just go to bed?”

“I’d probably make you piss yourself if we started telling stories. Let’s just go to bed.”

She shrugged yet again and laid the sleeping bag out. “Good night, then. Sleep well, Nav. Though… isn’t it summer?”

“Yeah, kinda. I’m not going to be staying awake, though. Flo can put me out, and even if she couldn’t, I could just enter the dream realm anyway.”

“...Right. Forgot about that. Well, sleep tight.” With that, she slipped inside of her little bag thing. I quickly slid out of my armor and then removed all the clothes I had under it before sliding in behind her. “...Nav, what are you doing?”

“It’s gonna get fucking cold tonight, and if you think I’m not gonna take advantage of an adorable source of warmth that likes cuddles, you’re outta your mind.”

“...Good night, Nav.”

“Night, Twilight.”

“You need to cook anything?” I asked in a pause while brushing my teeth.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” Twilight said, stretching. “I definitely could cook what I brought, but I think we should get moving sooner rather than later. I also definitely think you should eat, but I could hardly make you.”

“And you already said you didn’t bring anything for me and I also didn’t bring anything for me. If I get hungry, I’ll just grab a squirrel or something.”

She shivered slightly and used magic to pull an apple out of a bag. “So are you going to get dressed any time soon?”

“Eh. I was wrong about it getting cold last night. I was nice and toasty against you. I think I’ll bask in the coolness for a while, unless you really can’t stand looking at my naked body.”

“If that was the case, I’d just bend some shadows around you so I didn’t have to see it. I was more concerned with mosquitoes. Didn’t they get you bad last time?”

“Last time I wasn’t half tree. The bastards barely notice me anymore.”

“Lucky you. The few of the buggers that get through my coat are so annoying.”

“Tell Aqua to fix their bites up for you. It’s just a chemical reaction in your skin, so she can easily stop that shit. And turn your blood toxic while the mosquito is suckling, to kill it.”

Twilight’s eyes went unfocused as she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” … “What do you mean, it builds character? That’s sadistic!” … “Oh come on, that was one time!” … “Yeah, well what about the time you—Oh, I know you didn’t just bring that up!” Her eyes moved to mine. “Can I trade elementals with you?”

“Aqua, stop being a bitch. You’re stuck inside Twilight for now, so you should start helping her instead of being Celestia 2.0. I know you didn’t really want a host all that much, but you have one now. Start making the most of it, at least until we meet back up with your main body.”

Twilight’s eyes turned blue and she asked, “Did Flo say that, or were those words of wisdom from the human?”

“Don’t hardly matter who said what,” I replied, grabbing my panties from where they had been dropped. “Good advice is good advice and wisdom is wisdom. It was me that said it, but Flo sure didn’t disagree.” After checking the pearly white panties for any kind of bug, I started pulling them up. “So take a chill pill, calm the fuck down, and start actually helping Twilight. She happens to be a friend of mine, so if I find that you aren’t being as nice to her as you should be, I’m going to spank you so hard that parts of you actually turn red.”

“It amuses me that you must always resort to threats, Navarone,” she said. “Especially when they have no basis in reality.”

“That ain’t the sound of you being nice to your host.” Her eyes rolled once before returning to purple. “You done eating?”

Twilight blinked a few times before shivering. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that…” Then she looked over to where her apple had been floating before Aqua took over. It had fallen to the ground with no magic to hold it. She sighed and used magic to throw it further into the woods, since it was now covered in dirt. “At least I brought more…”

“So, you ready for the weirdest news you’ll probably ever hear?” I asked.

“I rather seriously doubt that,” Twilight said. “But given that it’s coming from you, I imagine it can’t be all that normal.”

“Your doubt disappoints me. Anyway, Taya seriously wanted my dick.”

She stopped and her entire body jerked toward me. “What?!”

“No shit. When she went into heat the first time, she literally begged me to fuck her.”

“That’s horrifying! Why would she ever want that?”

“Well now, that’s just insulting!”

“Ugh, you know what I meant! You’re her father, Nav!”

“She didn’t know what incest was. Even after I explained why there was no way in hell I would, she begged me for it. I gotta say, that was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever dealt with as a father.”

“...Why would you even tell me about that?” she asked.

“You always talk about being my friend and being there for me, Twilight. Friends tell friends weird shit, don’t they?”

“I know, but… I know…”

“Yeah. You, Celestia, and Cadance are the only ones I’ve told. I actually had to spank Taya to get her to stop trying to seduce me. And even then, I think she only stopped because she was afraid and not because she realized it was wrong.”

“Do you think I should… say something to her? Try to tell her why it’s wrong?”

“At the moment, it doesn’t matter. I don’t exactly have a dick to give her. Also, Cadance already tried. And wouldn’t that be hella awkward?”

“Yes, but not as bad as her trying to… do things with you. Especially with as strong as she’s gotten. If she really tried, she could probably make you do anything she wanted.”

“There’s more to authority than raw strength,” I said. “Being strong helps, but she would never even try to do that to me. Still, if you think it would be a good idea, feel free to talk to her. Just do it circumspectly. I’d rather not give her the idea that anyone else knows. I figure that would be embarrassing.”

“It would be. Of course I’ll be discreet. Though I have to say, I never thought I’d have to talk somebody out of incest again.”


“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So, really, how many… people? How many people have you had sex with?” Twilight asked.

“Shit, I don’t even know. I guess it also depends on what you count as sex, and if you count stuff that you don’t really remember. Let me think…” Flo whispered something, so I repeated it, “A little less than twenty-five, depending on what you count.”

“What about the stuff you don’t remember?”

“Then it probably jumps up to around eighty-five.” Her eyes went wide and she gaped. “That was a major orgy. I was drugged for it, so I have no idea what or who I did. I just know there were a ton of ponies left in the room when I woke up and left.”

“And you didn’t report that?!”

“Nah. I probably enjoyed it. Or at least, judging by all the dry fluids on me, I did.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, it kinda was. But I’m not nearly as much of a whore as I’m made out to be.”

“...Twenty-five is a lot.”

“To you, maybe. How many have you had sex with, Miss Twatlight Spankle?”

“Two, technically.”

“You poor girl. I can arrange an orgy for you, if you want.”

“Ugh. No thank you. It’s bad enough you did that to me in my dreams.”

“Hey, I behaved myself last night!”

“I woke up to you thrusting your hips against mine several times!”

“...Flo, what the fuck were you doing with my body.”

“That’s none of your concern,” she answered in my head.

“And you call me a pervert,” I muttered. Twilight giggled. Flo didn’t respond.

Finally, we stood gazing upon the burnt-out shell of the castle we had been to so long ago. My arms were crossed and I was staring at it, contemplating just why Trixie would pick such a bad location for a fight. Twilight was staring at it worriedly.

“So what do you think we should expect?” Twilight asked.

“She knows we’re coming. She presumably knows about my ring. She knows you’re Celestia’s student. She knows we’re pissed. I say we should expect the worst. Including true magic, since she’s been studying under Discord.”

“...I don’t know how to counter that.”

“Killing her would probably work.”

“Do you think protective spells would help?”

“I’ll be wearing my ring. Hopefully I won’t need more than that. You’re free to use some spells if you want on yourself, though.”

“It would definitely make me feel better,” she said, her horn lighting up. After a few seconds, she grimaced. “I forgot that this is where she messed up that new spell. Magic is still behaving oddly here.”

“Even after so long?”

“New spells are very powerful. There’s a reason they’ve been banned without a group of at least five master magi to review them. The magic around this area could be strange for generations.”

“Strange doesn’t mean impossible.”

“Correct. However, the flows are… different. It’s like I’m trying to… knit a scarf, but the colors of the thread I’m using keep changing. Getting in a magic duel here would be difficult.”

“Then let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Lord knows I don’t want you throwing a rubber chicken at her instead of a fireball.”

“...Maybe she’d laugh so hard it breaks her concentration.”

“Always nice to stay optimistic, yeah,” I said, tousling her hair. She flipped it back into place with practiced ease and started walking toward the castle. I stepped up next to her immediately, drawing my rifle and pumping it. “Think we should go for the invisible bait and switch again?”

“Do you think she’d buy it?”

“Good point.”

“Also, you might want your helmet.”

“Even better point.” I always forget that damn thing. I pulled it from my belt and slid it right on, though. “So, how traumatized do you think Fluttershy’s gonna be?”

“That’s a question I really don’t want to think about. If Trixie’s been… doing things to her, very. If not, it shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Here’s hoping, then,” I quietly said as I lifted my rifle up so I could peer through the scope. “Courtyard’s clear.” Then I thought of something and clicked on the thermal, making sure there wasn’t anything invisible waiting for us there. It was also clear. “If she doesn’t actually approach us, want to just try to get Fluttershy and bail? If we can get in and out quickly enough, we can get Celestia here to nuke this place.”

“That seems like a good plan, minus the nuking part. Princess Celestia could definitely get Trixie to surrender. Or capture her, if it comes to that.”

“So look for Fluttershy, pop blueberry in the head with a bolt if we see her, and get out as quickly as possible. Want to place bets on it going wrong?”

“Not particularly.”

“My money’s on it going to shit as soon as we step inside.”

“Please keep your pessimism to yourself,” Twilight sighed, her head lowering slightly.

“Fair enough.” We were getting close to the portcullis anyway, so I figured talking might give us away. I zipped my lips and readjusted the rifle against my shoulder. It was pretty much ready to fire, though it was hardly a comfortable fit given how fucking long the thing was.

As soon as the two of us got into the courtyard, the gate actually collapsed behind us. Twilight looked back in shock while I raised my rifle up, looking around the courtyard for a target. The place was barren, but surprisingly not overgrown. I wouldn’t say it was well-kept, but it had been given some kind of attention recently.

I absolutely do not like this. “Inside?” I quietly asked as I shifted my aim slightly to the large doors leading into the keep proper.

“Just a moment,” Twilight whispered, her horn lighting up. I heard a few subtle clicks and part of the keep started glowing brightly. “There. That’s a hidden door.” She started walking to it, but I shot my hand down in front of her to stop her.

“What do you think she’s gonna expect we do? Why would she put a secret entrance out here for herself if the main entrance is right there? If she wanted to go somewhere specific in there, she could just teleport.”

“...Don’t you think there’d be a trap in the front door, too?”

“Oh god yes.” I opened the valve on my rifle to let out the pressure, then popped the mag and the round so I could set it to shotgun mode. “If there’s something a little more physical on the other side, we can take care of it.”

“I really want to study that thing when we get back.”

“I’ll think about it. Front door?”

“Front door. Though I still think this is a mistake.”

“Noted.” We both started walking toward the front door, so I pushed the mag back in so I could use it as a regular weapon as soon as I needed. When we got up to it, Twilight gently pushed them both open with magic so they wouldn’t make any noise.

While the outside was somewhat kept up, the inside was very obviously burned out. There wasn’t any furniture left and the wooden floors were rotting in some places and burned in others. Even the rock walls look like they had been partially melted.

We shared a short look before stepping in together…

…And appearing somewhere completely different. Instead of a creepy old woman’s wet dream, we appeared in a large circular arena. The sky above us was a pallid blue with no source of light, but I could see everything perfectly fine. After a second or two of looking around, I realized that there were no shadows, no exits, and no one else there.

Well, until a few more seconds passed and a small explosion of sound happened in the very middle of the arena. Right after, Trixie appeared in the flesh on a stage that slowly started to rise from the ground. “Welcome to Trixie’s world!” Trixie happily called from the middle of the arena, jumping up to her hindlegs and waving her forehooves up in the air. Somehow her voice carried all the way to us, even from where she was standing. Shortly after she said that, she fell back down, a vicious smile on her face. So why wasn’t she smiling earlier?

“Where’s Fluttershy?” Twilight yelled from where we were standing, taking a half-step closer to Trixie.

“Oh, you will get your yellow friend back, as soon as you fight Trixie and her favorite pet!” A few of the fragments of her horn lit up and she summoned forth the shape I remembered as her alphyn friend, the one that absolutely hated her. The poor bastard was wearing a collar, but I was too far away to see what it said. “Phinny, it’s time to play!” He growled at her before turning toward us, baring his teeth.

“Trixie, please, there’s no need for this!” Twilight said. “If you just come with us back to Canterlot, we can—”

“It’s far too late for Canterlot, horse!” Trixie screamed. The fragments of her horn started to float faster as she got angrier. “Ponykind abandoned Trixie, so Trixie abandoned ponykind! Trixie has new friends now! Better friends!”

“Please! Celestia can—” Trixie answered with a fireball. Twilight struggled to raise a shield fast enough, but I was already firing at the alphyn speeding toward us. The focused air smacked him in the face and threw him back several feet. I slammed the slide back and racked a round, pumping the rifle quickly for a more lethal shot.

As I figured, a column of earth shot up in front of the alphyn, blocking my shot. The creature bounded right through it, crushing the stone. I was kind of expecting that to stop him, so I was pretty fucked given that he was only a few feet away and closing faster than any normal dog could.

Twilight was currently preoccupied with dodging ice arrows and throwing a lightning bolt, so I slid into a fighting stance and waited until the alphyn was right on me. I quickly slammed the rifle butt right into his face, letting all of his momentum slam the gun right out of my hands and also crush his nose. He didn’t actually stop, though, and slammed me to the ground. However, being in a lot of pain meant he couldn’t actually pay attention long enough to hold me down.

I rolled over and practically jumped to my feet, just in time to avoid a lick of flame shooting from his mouth. The gun was useless at that range and it was several feet behind me on the ground, so I whipped out my sword and brought it down on him. Sadly, he jumped to the side and swiped at me with his talons. Unsurprisingly, they did nothing with my heavy armor.

Before I could swing at him again, Twilight slammed into him from the side, making him emit a very dog-like yelp, and an arc of lightning hit my blade. Normally, that wouldn’t be much of a concern since the armor I was wearing wasn’t metal. However, something Reginald said came back to me right around the time the electricity hit my armor.

Dragons and lightning don’t get along.

The electricity lit up my entire body like a fucking Christmas tree. The only reason I didn’t die offhand is because the arc was just a passing blow, something sliding off Twilight and onto my blade. However, it still made me drop the damn thing and I smelled my feathers and hair singeing.

Flo shot a surge of adrenaline and dopamine into my body to help me ignore all the pain and grab the sword anyway, just as a burst of sound so loud it might as well have been a force hit me, throwing me back and probably giving me some permanent hearing loss. I turned to face Trixie and saw that she was either laughing or trying to talk. Since I couldn’t hear a fucking thing she was saying, I had no idea which.

I was still wearing my ring, so technically speaking, I was protected from magic. I guess no one told her that, though, because that lightning and sound both tore me up. Still, I started charging her, hoping she’d use something on me that I could block.

Sure enough, she tried a fireball on me. Between my fire resistant armor and the ring, it burned away against me quickly and easily. Her smile dropped slightly, but then she tried something else. When nothing happened, I assumed it was a telekinetic spell that completely failed. At that point, I was just about twenty meters away, so I was hoping I could get there before she did something that could actually affect me.

Unfortunately, she did, throwing up a shield of earth over and around me. However, it was very thin, so I sliced through it with my sword and broke the rest with my charge.

...The charge that took me right into a fucking boulder flying at me. It slammed me backwards, almost making me lose my grasp on the sword. The rock lifted above my head for another blow, but a magical pickaxe slammed out of my head into it, breaking the rock above me.

Twilight slid to a stop right next to me, throwing a shield up while I struggled to stand. She blocked something from Trixie while I turned to check on the alphyn. He was quickly charging us for round two. A bright flash from right behind me told me Twilight hopefully teleported off, giving me all the room I needed. I lifted my sword and started charging as well, wanting to throw the creature off with a new tactic of sorts.

Apparently it was also fond of showing off. I veered left at the last second and held my sword out to slice the thing in twain. Unfortunately, it slid under, using its talons to try to take out my legs. If I had still been charging, it would have worked perfectly. As it was, we both did really cool looking but very ineffective moves. He was on his feet and facing me by the time I could turn around and get ready to fight.

He said something or snarled, and Flo translated because apparently she can read lips: “I want her dead as much as you do!” Before I could tell him to throw some friendly fire her way, he shot a blast of fire right at my face. Even with a closed helmet and fire retardant armor, I instinctively ducked, missing whatever he said next because I wasn’t looking at him.

Since he was gonna be like that, I took a defensive stance. “What can we do?” I asked, trying not to sound too retarded since I couldn’t hear myself.

“Try not to die,” Flo translated. “Duck.” I dipped down without even thinking about it. Trixie flew over my head, propelled by who knows what. Before I could thank him, he pounced at me, going for my face. I dropped the rest of the way to the dirt, hoping he’d soar over me.

I had no such luck. Instead of passing me completely, he decided human wings sounded like a good snack, and started chewing on one of those since they were unarmored. Before he could do more than bite into one, Twilight threw him off me with magic.

I have to say, of everything that could have happened because of that, what actually happened was exactly the opposite of what I needed. The blood from my wing mixed with the blood from the alphyn’s broken nose and started dripping down onto my armor. From the dark carapace I was wearing came a dark, evil laugh. I felt dozens of pin pricks in my flesh as what felt like needles poked into me.

A dark red filter came over everything I was seeing and I could feel the helmet start to change shape around my head, the nose growing and becoming more bestial. My hands went unbidden in front of me and started pushing me to my feet.

Flo, what the fuck are you doing?!

“This isn’t me!” she yelled. “Your armor is… it’s possessed!”

“What the fuck do you mean, possessed?!” I yelled, forgetting to say that in my head. Whatever was controlling me finally stood tall and looked down at my hands, bending them and turning them over to get a better look.

“I don’t know. This armor… It’s made from a zombie!”

“God fucking dammit, Spike!”

Seemingly satisfied, the armor bent down to grab my sword from its resting place. I caught something in my peripheral vision coming straight toward me. The armor saw it too and waited until the alphyn was close to snatch it by its throat, lifting it up despite its momentum and weight.

The armor seemed to chuckle at the monster’s struggling. “This one is a suitable subject,” it whispered from the front of the helmet. “Master will be pleased.”

The alphyn didn’t like that one bit and used its remaining breath to blow fire right at my wings. That hurt me a fuckton, but the armor didn’t seem to care. It lifted my sword up to stab it, but another arc of lightning hit the sword’s tip before it could hit the thing. Of course, that shocked both me and the alphyn, but it also seemed to break the armor’s hold on me.

The needles seemed to withdraw from me and I regained control over my body. By that point, though, control didn’t matter too much since I was still getting fucking shocked. The flow was much longer this time, at what felt like an eternity but was actually only five or so seconds. As soon as it stopped, I let go of the sword and the alphyn, dropping to my knees and then face. The only reason I didn’t hit the dirt is because I happened to land on the alphyn.

I was too far gone at that point to be of any use to anyone, so Flo didn’t even bother trying to get me back up. Hell, I could feel the blood from whatever the armor had done starting to leak out and pool in my armor. It was all I could do to keep my eyes on Twilight and Trixie as they fought. The alphyn was a comfortable enough pillow for that, at least.

It was definitely Trixie who used the lightning against me, because she was turning back to Twilight when I was able to actually see shit again. Of course, Twilight hadn’t been idle, throwing spikes of purple light Trixie’s way. They were all bouncing off some kind of shield, though.

As soon as Trixie was facing Twilight again, she finally retaliated, throwing a disc of some kind. Twilight didn’t waste energy on a shield, jumping aside and letting it soar past her. My eyes watched its path and how it started to turn as it spun until it was finally coming at Twilight’s back. Before I could try warning her, it deflected harmlessly off a transparent shield Twilight had apparently put up around herself.

Once again, she hadn’t been just waiting, and shot a masterful lightshow up in the air that made Trixie flinch back. Twilight had been expecting it, and cast some kind of sound spell right above me, making the sound of something drawing a sword. Trixie turned my way again, the pieces of her horn glowing to finish me off, when suddenly a wave of earth lifted up behind her and blocked a horde of beetles that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

They started scrabbling around the ground, trying to get through or around it, when Trixie turned back and saw what had transpired. She collapsed her earth shield backwards, crushing all the bugs and turning back to catch a blast of water right to the face. That confused her until Twilight followed it with a very strong and cold wind.

After a second of thought or surprise, Trixie pushed back with a large burst of hot air. Twilight’s eyes narrowed and a grim smile appeared on her face as she exerted more pressure on the cold air. Trixie licked her lips and pushed back as well.

Ten seconds later, a fucking tornado started forming on the arena floor. Twilight nodded and suddenly shot more air at it, pushing it toward Trixie. Trixie smiled and blew a blast of cold air on it from the side, pushing it at us. I could already feel it starting to pull me across the ground. I instinctively tried to wrap my arms around the alphyn to try to stabilize myself, but I wasn’t strong enough. Surprisingly, though, it wrapped its talons around me instead.

As soon as Twilight realized what Trixie was doing, she immediately stopped her flow, trying to kill the tornado. Trixie saw that and increased the power she was sending it. Twilight threw up some kind of magic wall between Trixie and the air, trying to kill the tornado without having to actually blow it apart from the inside.

Unfortunately, that seemed to distract her from the real threat. Trixie took advantage of the moment and grabbed a rock right next to Twilight. When she found that it ignored all the shields, Trixie simply smacked her in the back of the head with it. Thankfully for me, the tornado immediately died. Not so thankfully for me, Twilight passed the fuck out, leaving us the losers since I couldn’t even stand.

Enough time had passed that I could at least hear some things again, since I heard the alphyn quietly say, “She wanted you both alive. We’ll take her down when she least expects it.” I really wanted to reply to that, but Trixie finally looked at me with a smile that made me very uncomfortable, and started walking toward us.

“Trixie has been looking forward to this for a long time, ape,” she said as she walked closer. “Good boy, Phinny! Your mistress will have to give you a nice treat when we get these two back home.” The alphyn didn’t respond. “And don’t you start thinking you’ll be escaping, ape. Trixie knows you didn’t tell anypony where you were going, and you’re blocked from being magically tracked while in Trixie’s keep.”

“So you won,” I whispered, trying to get my broken body to work. “What do you want? Ransom? Power? Celestia won’t give you shit.” She would be very interested in getting all three of us back, though.

“Oh, Trixie knows she won’t. But Trixie already won what she wanted. You and your mistress. Well, ex-mistress. You’re Trixie’s, now.”

“And what are you going to do with us, huh? Kill? Torture?”

“Hm. Trixie hasn’t quite made up her mind. But first, she must ensure her two new pets don’t die. Phinny, remove the ape’s armor while your beloved mistress tends to Twilight.”

The alphyn carefully set me down as he stood, standing over me. He made no sound as he started pulling my armor off, starting with my helmet. “So what now?” I asked when Trixie was standing over Twilight.

“Welcome to suffering,” he said, pulling off my boots. He grunted when he revealed several holes in my pants. Thankfully, there wasn’t too much blood, which hopefully meant the wounds were superficial more than anything. At least, the ones caused by the armor instead of him.

About ten minutes later, all of my armor had been completely removed, leaving me to face the world in my regular clothes. He even pulled off my ring, and set it on top of my sword. When he was finished, Trixie dumped an unconscious Twilight next to me. Before I could ask what she was going to do to us, parts of her horn lit up very bright and the ground around us dissolved, turning into a dungeon in what I was assuming was a burnt-out keep.

“Phinny, take the ape to Trixie’s bedchambers. Trixie shall… deal with him there.” Oh my god, she still thinks I’m a dude. I kinda wanted to tell her, but the alphyn was already lifting me onto his back. I hadn’t noticed it until then, but that dude was definitely larger than your average pony. The only reason I kicked his ass in the fight is because of my armor.

Unfortunately though, the fight was over. He carried me through the halls that had been very richly appointed with what I could only assume were magically spawned items. I tried to study them as much as I could to get the probable impending rape out of my mind.

Well, no, I doubt she’d touch me when she finally realized I was a chick. She’d probably just have me dragged back to the dungeon. Either way, I didn’t want to think about it.

“Your yellow friend is safe,” Phinny said after a few minutes of silence.

“Fluttershy?” I for some reason asked. It’s not like I expected Trixie to have captured another yellow friend.

“The yellow one. I don’t care about her name. She’s safe.”

“Probably scared out of her mind.”

“Asleep. That blue horse said her master commanded it. The yellow one doesn’t even know she was taken.”

“That’s… weird.” He didn’t reply. Given that he said his kind rarely talks, I suppose I should be surprised he said as much as he did.

But we were also coming up to a much fancier area with better lighting and plenty of blue flowers in blue vases. I could only assume that was the precursor to Trixie’s room. When he pushed open a door right in the middle of all that blue, I was proven correct. Finally, he set me on the floor next to her very plush four poster bed. Also blue, of course.

“What, I don’t even merit bed privileges?” I joked, trying to take my mind off things.

“She would be very unhappy if your blood soiled her bed. You wouldn’t like her when she’s unhappy.”

“I don’t like her now.”

“...Be careful of what you say and where you say it, ape.”

“If you call me ape again, I’m going to start calling you Phinny. My name’s Navarone.”

“I shall call you whatever she commands. I suggest you do the same for me.”

“I have a feeling these next few hours are going to be really, really shitty.”

He didn’t reply, so I just tried making myself as comfortable as I could with holes all in my body and crispy, featherless wings. Needless to say, that wasn’t very comfortable.

I somehow managed to feel even more uncomfortable when Trixie let herself in about ten minutes later. “Phinny, leave us! Wait outside of your mistress’s door.” The alphyn stood up and walked right out. The door slammed shut behind us and Trixie walked right to me. “Trixie is going to heal you, ape. If you attempt to attack her, Trixie will add on to Twilight’s punishment. Trixie suggests you do not attempt to attack her.”

Ugh. “I won’t attack you, mistress,” I sighed.

“You learn quickly, ape. Good.” Parts of her horn lit up and she pressed her forehead against my arm, sending a wave of very soothing relief all through my body, though it didn’t help my feathers regrow. As much as I wanted to jump up and kick her shit in, I was more defenseless than usual without my ring. She pulled away and said, “Rise.” I slowly stood, trying not to make any sudden movements. “Trixie remembers what you did to her hair, ape,” she said with only a small tinge of bitterness. “And Trixie remembers her promise to make you forget all about your precious Twilight Sparkle. Lie on the bed.”

I achingly sat back onto the bed, then pushed myself away from her until I could lie flat on my back. She jumped up and positioned herself on top of me, smiling deeply. I knew exactly what was coming before she kissed me. That was a fight I knew very well, so I kissed her back, catching her off guard. She pulled away and I almost stopped her with a hug, but decided that wouldn’t be wise.

“Well well well, it seems the rumors Trixie heard were true! You truly have become insatiable, ape.” She smiled darkly. “Trixie will put those rumors to the test.” One of her forehooves started tracing down my chest. “Let’s see what you bring to the table, first…”

It went lower and lower and I felt a smile coming unbidden to my face as she finally reached down my pants and felt… nothing. There was a short moment of complete silence as she tried to process what just happened. Finally, she pulled her hoof away and jerked my pants down with magic and spread open my legs.

“You’re a mare?!”

I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling, but she was too shocked to punish me. “You can blame your bastard master for that one,” I said. “Discord turned me into a chick and left me like this.”

“But Trixie thought… How can… PHINNY!” The smile on my face only grew when I realized she was shit out of options. I was hoping she’d just throw my ass back in the dungeon or whatever, but at her glare, I realized that very likely wasn’t going to happen.

The alphyn quickly entered the room, anyway. “Yes, mistress?” he calmly said, the first words he had said to her yet.

“The ape is a mare!”

His eyes slowly turned toward me, and looked at my spread legs with apparent disinterest. “I know. I knew as soon as I smelled her.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?!”

“You did not ask, mistress.”

Trixie started grinding her teeth very noisily before turning back to me and noticing the smile on my face. She practically snarled and turned back to the alphyn. “Trixie promised you a treat! This ape is yours. Take her back to your room and mate with her to your heart’s content!”

Oh god, what? HELL NO!

I immediately lifted my legs and started to use them to grab Trixie, but her horn lit up and stopped me. “Remember, ape,” she warned, glaring down at me. “If you attempt to hurt Trixie, Trixie succeeds at hurting Twilight.” She threw me off the bed without a backwards glance and said, “Take your prize away, Phinny.”

He lifted my passive form up and put me on his back yet again. As much as I really wanted to fight back, I couldn’t do a thing while Trixie watched. He started walking out.

Right before we passed through the door, though, Trixie said, “Wait.” Phinny immediately stopped. “Trixie almost forgot.” She floated a necklace over toward us. When it got close enough, I saw that it was a collar. She locked it around my throat with a harsh click. The pendant on it immediately lit up with a pale blue light. “Now leave Trixie.”

Just like that, we finally got out. The door closed behind us and I immediately reached up to pull the necklace off, but the alphyn said, “Don’t. It’ll hurt. A lot.” I decided that taking his word for it was better than actually trying and didn’t bother.

“So, what? You’re going to rape me?” I asked.

“I have absolutely no desire to have sex with you,” he said.

“That’s… good. And somewhat insulting, but also good.” I slid off his back and pulled my pants up so I could follow him. “So now what?”

“Now you follow me,” he said. “And I suggest you keep up. Our shared mistress is watching.”

Well, she can eat a dick. But not mine, because I’m currently without one. Thank god for that, too. Finally did me some good.

Anyway, we continued in silence until we got to the alphyn’s room. I was honestly surprised she even gave him a bed, though it wasn’t really much to look at. “And now we just wait?” I asked as he closed the door behind us.

“I’m afraid not,” he said. “I have no choice but to follow her orders.”

“So? She didn’t give any.”

“She ordered me to mate with you.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “I don’t like you and I don’t want you. But we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. The choice is yours.”

I clenched my fists and felt my head lowering and my teeth baring. “I don’t think you and I are going to do anything any kind of way.”

“I see you’re choosing the hard way.”

Before I could get myself hurt in what I knew was an unfair fight, Flo said, “Just do it, Nav. You know what his fire can do. I can pull your mind away so you don’t even feel it.”

My fists slowly unclenched and I sighed. “Make it fucking quick,” I bitterly said, dropping my pants.

“I like this as little as you do, ape. I have a mate and younglings of my own. Remove everything and get on the bed.”

I couldn’t stop my teeth from grinding as I did what he commanded, lying as flat on my back as I could with my wings. He snarled and began approaching. As soon as he got close, he hopped onto the bed and rolled me over onto my side, pulling me against his furry chest. I felt his tongue start making broad strokes on my back and then something flickered on my chest.



Yet another interlude from your great and powerful god-king, Discord!

I’m really not in the habit of being surprised by an outcome. But I have to say, I didn’t actually expect our trepid heroine to lose. Of course, Trixie’s stupidity and arrogance would be her eventual undoing, so the fight was hardly over, but it was interesting to see that she actually won.

I decided to pay her a personal visit to congratulate her, so I appeared down in her dungeon where she was playing with her new teddy bear. “It seems you won, my dear,” I happily said from behind her. She whirled around with shock on her face, but it quickly turned to happiness when she realized it was me. “You’ve done well, Trixie.”

“It was hardly any challenge, master. Trixie hardly… I hardly had to exert myself at all!”

“That’s to be expected, after training from yours truly. And it seems you’ve gotten yourself two prizes, too.” My gaze looked past Trixie and onto the table behind her, where a large purple stuffed unicorn resided. I’m sure if Twilight could be crying, she probably would be. It’s not every day you find your body turned into an inanimate object that can still feel, after all.

And it’s not every day you find yourself incapable of housing the elemental that had been residing within your mind.

“I own her and the ape both, now, master. Shall I dispose of the ape like you wanted?”

“No, no. Keeping her locked here is good enough, I suppose.” I slowly walked up to Twilight, who would probably be trembling in fear if she could move. As it was, her happy eyes stared at me impassively. “I quite like what you’ve done with this one, too. The ring around her horn is definitely a nice touch.” Probably a necessary one, too. She could still think, just not move, so she could probably cast as many spells as she wanted.

“Yes, the ape was wearing it. She hardly has need of it now, since her new mistress would never mistreat her… unless she deserved it.”

“I’m sure,” I absentmindedly said, running my talons over Twilight’s mane. It didn’t take me long to find the wet spot and I extracted the elemental in her quite effortlessly. “It’s been too long… Aqua, is it?” I quietly mused, holding the ball of red water up to my gaze.

“What was that, master?” Trixie asked as she walked closer.

“Nothing, nothing,” I said as I summoned forth a vial in which to place the rapidly changing elemental. “I have two gifts for you to give to your new pet human.” I reached out and pulled a box forward. “I think you’ll like her new uniform.” It should be enough to anger our poor heroine to the point of dealing with Trixie permanently, as needed.

Trixie took the box with a large smile on her face. “I was going to have her go naked, but playing dressup with your pets can be fun, too. What’s the other gift, master?”

“This,” I said, holding up the vial of what was now yellow liquid. “Make Navarone drink this as soon as possible.”

“What… is it?”

“A curse.” Or a gift, depending on what you thought of elementals. “It destabilizes quickly when not in a host, so make sure she drinks it soon. And make sure she drinks it, Trixie.”

“Of course, master! I would never let you down!”

“I know you wouldn’t, my dear,” I said as I patted her back with my lion’s paw. Of course, I didn’t have the same fear of letting her down, but that wasn’t important just yet. “Now, it is time for me to depart, Trixie. I have much to do in order to keep Celestia from finding that you took her student and lover.”

“Her… her lover?” Trixie whispered, her eyes wide.

“Oh, yes. In fact, I believe they’re close to making it official, not that it really matters. Celestia is quite close to your new pet human. For good reason, from what I’ve heard. Navarone knows her way around a mare.”

“That is… unexpected. Well, I will take no sloppy seconds from Phinny, so I suppose I shall simply have to do without. At least until I attach my toys to my new favorite cuddle buddy.”

“Have fun with that. I’ll be seeing you soon, Trixie.” Before she could continue taunting me with things I couldn’t feel, I departed into the shadows once more so I could watch the incoming carnage.



Right after whatever it was flickered, Phinny stopped licking me. “Good, she’s not watching,” he said. “She said to my heart’s content. My heart prefers not to touch you.”

“Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I tried pushing myself away from him, but he gripped me tightly.

“We are not out of the water yet, ape. She is no longer watching, but she might start again. Unless you’d prefer to actually start mating, I suggest lying still.”

I stopped fighting. “So now what? You just spoon me until night?”

“As long as she doesn’t give us a direct order, we are free to do as we please.”

“I’m not planning on following any of her orders, thank you.”

“That collar you’re wearing doesn’t give you much of a choice. She tested that on me.”

“Then what’s your plan? I can’t do shit to her without my ring and my weapons. But if you can get me out of here, I can get back with help.”

“It’s too risky. If you escape and cannot get back before she notices, the others will be harmed. And of course, that’s assuming you even know where we are. We are no longer in the castle in which we last fought.” Then where the fuck are we? “We must take her on directly.”

“Then how do I get this damn collar off? Or get to my stuff?”

“Your ring is likely being used on the purple one. I will attempt to smuggle some of your belongings to you come night, but I doubt I can do much this early. We will be here some time before Trixie gets comfortable enough. And consider this your moment of reprieve, because she will notice quickly that we did not mate and change her order appropriately.”

“...How would she notice that? What’s she gonna do, check your bed for cumstains?”

“If she knows much about my anatomy, she’ll be wondering why you have no problems walking.”

“God, do I even want to know?”

“We have large knots.” Ugh. “I doubt she knows much about us. With as small as you are, it would be… uncomfortable.”

“I am going to enjoy killing that whore.”

“I have a proposition for you, ape.”

“Not like we have much else to do. Lay it on me.” He pushed me on my stomach and then got on top of me, lying on me. “That is not at all what I meant,” I quickly said, fluttering my wings to try to make him move.

He rolled back off me. “Yes, I was wondering what that had to do with my proposition.” He pulled me back into a spooning position with his rough talons. “So are you interested?”

“Yes. Please just don’t lie on me again.”

“I want Trixie. If I drag her with me to Tartarus, I will get full control over her. That is what I seek to do.”

That’s tempting. “How would we go about doing that?” I asked.

“If she violates the familiar contract, the terms are void. I can fight against her as I would desire.”

“So what’s the contract? Shouldn’t be hard for us to figure something out.”

“She has to either try to kill me or order me to do something that would kill me.”

“...Huh. How pissed off do you think she would be to try to kill you?”

“She would order me to cease the action far before that point. I will have to get you your weapon and armor and have her order me to attack you. Even then, it’s a long shot.”

“Or we could free Twilight and get you to attack her instead. She’ll have to be pretty pissed to try to actually kill you instead of just unsummoning you, though.”

“It is impossible to send me back, now. Not without breaking the contract. Our mistress made sure of that. However, freeing your friend would also be difficult. Without you to warm her bed, our mistress will likely use her new favorite toy.”

“Oh great, so instead of me getting raped, it’s Twilight. That woman has problems.”

“I rather doubt our mistress will use the purple one in that way. And even after that, we must still remove these collars before we can even attempt to hurt her.”

“...So how do we do that?”

“The only way I know how is to get an entity not wearing one to remove it.”

Flo finally opened her fucking mouth. “Fluttershy. If you can wake her up, she can take it off.”

“Where’s Fluttershy?” I asked. “And can she be woken up?”

He growled, a deep reverberation I could feel rumbling in his chest. “She could,” he said after a few seconds. “And I know where she slumbers. But there are many defensive wards in this castle. Traveling to her room might be difficult.”

“Are we talking the kinds of defenses that alert Trixie or that blow you up?”

“I do not know magic, ape. I can go some places easily. Others, I cannot.”

“Can you go to Trixie’s room easily? Or the dungeons?”

“I can go to our mistress’s room as needed. I can go to the dungeons when ordered.”

“If you can get me my ring, we can get past most defenses. Then I can put it on Fluttershy to wake her up. She can get the collars off us, then we can see about dealing with Trixie.”

“Your entire plan seems to hinge on the ring being in our mistress’s room come night.”

“It’s either there or in the dungeon, with the rest of my stuff. Where else would it be?”

“Then it seems we have a plan of sorts.”

After a few seconds of silence, I asked, “So… what do we do while we wait?”

“We shall likely be called to serve our mistress within the hour. Until then, we are free.”

Well, shit. There’s no way Celestia’s asleep yet, so I can’t go into the dream world and ask her for help just yet. “Well, want to talk about anything?”


Weak. “Want to… do anything, then? What do you even do when you aren’t with Trixie?”


“...Well, you want to actually have sex? Might as well give Trixie no reason to be suspicious.”


“Then fuck it, I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when something happens.” He didn’t reply, so I closed my eyes and slowly entered the dream world. I skipped Flo’s glade and went straight to the anteroom, looking around for anyone that I knew. Unfortunately, no one on my crew was asleep and I didn’t know most of the soldiers well enough to find any of them. The only person I could find that could get permission to talk to Celestia was Fluttershy, and I didn’t want to freak her out by showing up in her dream prematurely.

I cast my search farther, peering through as many dreams as I could find, hoping to find anyone that might be able to help me. Again, I didn’t know any of the people I was searching, but I was just hoping I’d be able to find someone that I could tell was a maid or something in the castle that was just taking a nap.

It was only when I looked too far that I felt a very familiar presence and realized I was also being noticed. Before Luna could say a fucking word, I ducked out of the anteroom and back into Flo’s glade.

“You’ll have to speak to her eventually,” Flo said. “And she might have a way to contact Celestia.”

“Eventually is not now. And she’s in some kind of prison. Why would she have a line to Celestia? Hell, even if she did, would I really want to let her help me?”

“It’s better than being Trixie’s pet.”

“Tch. The alphyn’s just the right temperature to cuddle with. I’ll survive until night falls and I can contact Celestia.”

“Your hubris will truly be your hamartia, Navarone.”

“Only tragic heroes have those. My life might be a comedic tragedy of horrors, but I’m hardly a hero.”

“We’re all the hero of our own story,” she said, trying to sound sagely. Before I could flip her off, she said, “The alphyn is trying to wake you up.” She thrust me out of the dream and into the waking world.

As soon as I came to, I realized his method of waking me up was licking my back again. “Do I taste good or something?”

“Yes. Our mistress summons me, ape. Remain here and remain unclothed.”

“I’ll keep myself warm for you, big guy,” I said as I turned over onto my stomach.

“With no blankets, that will be unlikely.” He hopped off the bed and left without another word. As soon as he stepped out, the amulet around my neck lit up a pale blue again, presumably a sign that Trixie was watching. If she was seeing through the actual stone, she was just getting a faceful of either my chest or the bed.

When something very slowly stroked one of my barren wings, I jumped and spun, looking for whatever caused it. There was nothing there, unsurprisingly. Flo, if this place is haunted, just stop my heart. For the love of god, don’t make me deal with that bullshit again.

“No promises. But that’s probably Trixie. Just lie back down and ignore it.” I sighed and did so, though she started poking and prodding other parts of my body instead. Nothing intimate, but it did get pretty annoying.

I endured her unwanted ministrations for about fifteen minutes before Phinny finally came back. On his back was a box that for some reason sent a shiver of dread down my spine. “Our mistress has a gift for you, ape,” he said.

“Is it a bullet to the back of the head?” I asked as I rolled over. “I’ve been looking forward to one of those for ages.”

“I don’t know what that is.” He reached around and grabbed the box with one of his talons, then threw it at me. “This is your new uniform. Put it on.”

“Can I pretend it’s the box instead and balance it on my head?”

“Our mistress already dislikes you, ape. Going out of your way to earn her ire would not end well for you, especially given the fate of the purple one.”

“...What did Trixie do to Twilight?”

“You shall see when you equip your new apparel. You are to wait on our mistress tonight.”

I sighed and finally opened the package, already hating myself for it. Within was, you guessed it, a maid outfit. “Alright, I’m gonna have to ask how she made this so quickly,” I said, not looking up from the frilly thing.

“Perhaps the note attached has the answer,” Phinny disinterestedly replied.

When I flipped the thing around, I saw the note on it. I pulled it off and opened it up.

Trixie searched Twilight’s memories and found quite a few delicious things about you, ape. Trixie hopes you do not enjoy your new position as her servant. Trixie expects you to be on time, wearing only what Trixie has given you. Failure to follow Trixie’s commands will result in punishment.

Well, more punishment aside from that given by your beautiful new necklace.

Love, your mistress.

My eyes slowly lifted up to meet the alphyn’s. “What would I have to do to get you to kill me?”

“You are far more useful to me alive than you are dead, ape. It used to be my job to wait upon our mistress, though she did not give me a uniform. Get dressed quickly. Your time of service approaches.”

“...Flo, you’re in charge. I’m talking to Luna.” Before the alphyn could ask what the fuck I meant or Flo could respond, I entered the dream realm once again.

Once more, the sparsely populated starry vista surrounded me. Of course, there were no lights anywhere near me, and I could barely see any out in the distance since it was day. Finding Luna once was entirely by chance, given that she had to actually be in the anteroom and nearby for me to even notice her. Finding her again would be impossible without help.

“Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender,” I said, crossing my arms. Three of the pale white phantoms appeared around me, staring at me. “Give me a log of everyone that’s accessed this machine in the last five minutes.”

“Anonymous: Admin. Unknown manual override user: Admin.” Why the fuck do they know my name, but not hers?

“Is unknown manual override user still present?”


“Ping her.”

Two of them disappeared. The remaining one’s eyes lit up red for a moment before turning yellow. “Ping delivered. No response yet.”

“I can’t imagine she would really know how to respond to that. Take me to her.”

One of its hands wrapped around my arm and we shot through the starry vista before we were standing in front of a very dumbfounded Luna, who was staring at the phantom that was requesting a ping reply.

“Discontinue artificial intelligence defenders,” I said. The two of them disappeared and Luna whirled toward me. “Sup.”

“What… Nav…” She took a deep breath to try to calm down before saying, “What were those?”

“That’s a weird story that I don’t have time for and you might not believe anyway.”

“Try me.”

“Don’t have time. I need to—”

“This could be extremely important, Navarone! Those things look just like the vagrants!”

“Luna, I am literally being tortured right now.” Her mouth dropped. “So if you would kindly shut the fuck up and listen, that would be great.”

“Who dares?!” she yelled.

“Maybe you should try shutting the fuck up and listening so I can tell you.” She pursed her lips. “Are you done?” No response. “Twilight and I got captured by one of Discord’s cronies. If you can talk to Celestia, tell her to go the fuck to sleep so I can tell her where we are.” Or where we were, according to the alphyn.

“She wouldn’t need to know where you both were to teleport you out. I shall tell her posthaste.”

“She’d need to get Twilight and Fluttershy, too. And I figure capturing this bitch is a little better than letting her roam free.”

“Fluttershy is also there?”

“Yeah. Go tell Celestia to go to sleep. I ain’t the only one gettin’ tortured here.”

“...Very well. But I would like to speak to you. Can we meet in the dream realm again later?”

Ugh. “If Celestia actually gets here to save me, sure. I reckon I’d owe you that.” She actually smiled before vanishing. “Sucker.”

Now, even if Luna could immediately tell Celestia to go to sleep and Celestia straight up passed out in the middle of whatever she was doing, it would still take a few minutes for her mind to show up as dreaming. Thankfully, ponies seem to dream all night instead of just in their REM cycle. That in mind, I popped out of the anteroom and into Flo’s glade.

“How are things going out there?” I asked.

“Trixie’s dress code is better suited for a bunny ranch than a professional dining area,” Flo said. “And as fluid as I am, moving in heels is not enjoyable. At least your period ended, or we’d be leaving stains wherever we went.”

“So super tiny skirt, no panties, high heels, and presumably stockings?”

“...Correct, along with a few other accessories. It seems her goal is to humiliate you before anything else. I suppose she doesn’t yet realize you have no shame. That said, I haven’t even seen her yet. How are things on your end?”

“I found Luna and told her to tell Celestia to go to sleep. That tells me that prison or no, she still has a line of communication. I’m heading back now.”

“Wait, before you go, I need to feel jealous of something.”


“So your eyes will turn green instead of blue.”

“I’m gonna cheat on you with Aqua until we all get back to the ship so Twilight doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.”

Flo was silent for a few moments before saying, “Yes, that did it. Now go speak to Celestia. Hopefully she can save us before we have to save ourselves.”

I smiled and left her fancy garden, returning to the world of dreams. A quick search told me that Celestia’s dream wasn’t up quite yet, so I settled back for what I was assuming would be a short wait.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take that long for Celestia to fall asleep. As soon as she heard that two of her precious elements of harmony and her ex-boy boytoy were in danger, she probably dropped everything. I entered her dream without bothering to ask for permission, because fuck da police.

As soon as I appeared next to her, she hugged me tight. “What happened?” she quietly asked.

“Twilight got a message from one of Discord’s cronies yesterday. They had Fluttershy and said Discord was watching us. If we told anyone what was happening, Fluttershy would be hurt. So we came to the specified location, fought a duel, and lost. This crony happens to be Trixie, someone Twilight and I fought in the past.”

“...I remember that name. What has she done to you?”

“She has an alphyn with her that she told to rape me.” Celestia gasped and pulled me tighter. “He didn’t. She left a small loophole in her order so he didn’t have to actually touch me.”

“Thank the heavens... “

“Kinda insulting, though. I have no idea what she did with Twilight, but I know it can’t be good. Fluttershy’s supposedly being kept in some kind of magical sleep field, but we haven’t seen her yet.”

“I already tried scrying you. There is some powerful magic blocking me from seeing you. Where are you?”

“I can tell you where we were, but I have no clue where we are. You remember the castle that burned down in a mysterious fire a few years ago that Twilight and I might or might not have been involved in?”

“...The castle where you fought Trixie the first time.”

“Yeah. That’s where we were supposed to meet. Twilight found a magical door on the outside, but I told her to ignore it and we went in through the main door instead. As soon as we did, we got teleported to some strange dimension where we fought.”

“I see… And how did you lose?”

“The black zombie dragon armor Spike gave me is fucking possessed. As soon as some blood spilled on it, the thing took over my body.”

“That is… unpleasant news.”

“Yeah. The thing also reacted very poorly to lightning.”

“Yes, dragons and lightning don’t mix. Strange, considering they fancy themselves the rulers of the sky, but no matter. I will go to the castle and start investigating immediately.”

“You sure you should go alone, Celestia? You’re hella powerful, I won’t deny that, but it’s a large risk.”

“Putting together a group of specialists would take time, Nav. Time you three might not have.”

“If Discord wanted us dead, I doubt we’d still be alive. Trixie seems content to play with her toys for a little while. And I already have a few plans to fight back. Trixie’s stupidity and arrogance will be her eventual undoing, so this fight is hardly over.”

“As much as I like your confidence, I think it’s best if you wait for me if you think Trixie won’t actually harm you.”

Before I could tell her that I really didn’t care for being the damsel in distress, an unwanted guest appeared. “I see you found her well, Nav,” Luna said after appearing from thin air.

Celestia let me go and used some magic to carefully put me on her back. “Indeed he has, sister,” Celestia said. “I will be heading to his last known whereabouts shortly.”

“It would be unwise to go alone, ‘Tia,” Luna said, her gaze flicking from Celestia to me a few times.

“...Nav had the same observation. As I told him, putting together a team that specializes in search and rescue as well as ancient magic and combat might be difficult.”

“Not if you know where to look,” Luna said, finally turning her eyes to me.

“Yeah, I do kinda have a ship full of badass ex-guards,” I said, rubbing that special spot on Celestia’s neck that she just loves so much. “And it’s already in Canterlot. All you have to do is find Watcher and he can probably get most of his team together quickly. Tell him I’m being raped by an alphyn and they’ll—”

“YOU’RE WHAT?!” Luna yelled, taking a step forward.

Celestia raised a hoof and said, “He’s not, dear sister. That was apparently an order of his captor, but the alphyn out-foxed her, as they are known to do. Navarone has yet to be harmed at all.”

“That’s mostly true,” I said. “Aside from getting my ass kicked in the initial fight, I’ve been fine.”

“How did you lose?” Luna asked. Ugh. Why does she even care?

“I think there are more productive things to be discussing,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I disagree,” Celestia said. “There are more productive things to be doing. I shall see you soon, Navarone. And goodbye for now, Luna.” Before either of us could say a word, the dream shattered, tossing us both into the anteroom.

I had gotten plenty of practice catching myself from crashing dreams after all the times I gave Fluttershy naughty dreams, so I stabilized quickly. Unfortunately, Luna reacted faster than I did, so she put herself in front of me before I could leave. “I believe now might be a good time for a discussion,” Luna calmly said.

“Flo can’t control my body for long, Luna. Time is warped here. I have no idea how long it’s been since I left and I don’t know how long she can hold it. I need to get back quickly. If she loses control in front of Trixie, there’s no telling what might happen.”

“...So be it. But I want a discussion.”

“We can’t always get what we want. You helped me, and I’m thankful you did. But I have no idea when we’ll both be in this place again.”

“One week from now. Give or take a few hours. Apparently you know how to find me.”

“But only if you’re in the anteroom.”

“Then I shall wait, though I can’t wait long. I am… busy.”

“My life ain’t exactly a walk in the park either. If I have time, I’ll be here. If not, won’t that be a shame.” She sighed and I took that as my cue to vanish, heading back to see what new horrors awaited me.

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