Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


180. Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Seven Part 2

That hug lasted longer than it probably should have, which should have been a sign to myself just how creepy I really found Athena. She was weird, inhuman, and honestly just straight up scared me. And also, Smiles was surprisingly comfortable.

When he finally felt me relax, he softly cleared his throat. “When uh… When I let go, are you gonna kick me in my crotch?”



“I promise I won’t kick you this time, Smiles.”

He slowly pulled away. While he was doing that, Ice released me from behind. When they were both off me, Ice slid around to my front. “Do you need to talk about it?” he asked.

“No, it wasn’t that bad.”

“...You were shaking,” Smiles said. “You didn’t even do that after the bunker.”

“Yeah, because it actually was that bad. That bitch is all manner of creepifying. Anyway, I’ll see you both later.”

“Wait, if it was that bad, doesn’t that mean you need to talk about it?”

“I dunno, probably?” I shrugged. “See you both later.”

I began walking out, but Smiles planted his plump ass in front of me. “You know you can talk to me, Nav.”

“Smiles, you’re getting dangerously close to being threatened with a crotch kick. Bat ponies are absolutely adorable, but changelings are even moreso, and Doppel actually wants to have sex with me. So I’ll talk to her instead.” He sighed and hung his head, so I booped him on the nose and my maid and I continued on our way.

When we got back to my room, I folded the weird dress up, placed it on my dresser, and then fell into bed. “So do you actually wanna talk about it?” Doppel asked, sitting next to me and placing a hoof on my back.

“I do not.”

She cuddled up against me and sighed in delight. “You’re so comfy, mistress.”

“And you’re so hard and unpliable. But I don’t mind at all, because you’re cute and adorable and love cuddles.” I spun to my side and wrapped her up in a hug. “Also, you’re about as light as an oversized teddy bear, so I could totally just carry you around wherever I went if I wanted.”

“Riding around in your shirt or on your head is more fun.”

“Yeah, it actually felt pretty good. You know, up until you tore my shirt in half. For some reason, I really like the feeling of furry things across my chest. Squishy furry things are better.”

“Hm. Have you ever let anyone cum across your chest?”

“I have not, no.”

“I know half the mares I’ve been with love it when I go for their teats. If you ever wanna try it, just let me know!”

“I will keep that in mind.” I had no intention of keeping that in mind.

Honestly, I didn’t really have all that much on my schedule. Becoming a proper lady added a decent amount of bullshit, but most of it was just administration shit that didn’t take too long to sort out. Even then, a lot of it was just extra work that I only did to help out the people on my ship. But it was finally all taken care of, so I had nothing else to really do the entire way to our next destination.

It felt weird. I spent so much time looking forward to getting back on the ship and on the move again, and when it finally happened, I really didn’t have much to do. Spending so long doing nothing wasn’t really my style, truth be told. Cuddling and fucking Doppel was all well and good, but sometimes a girl needs to just beat the shit out of something with a stick.

The next day, when the naga was finally out of the book, I found him in his room. He was just sitting in the dark when I stepped inside. “You alright?” I asked.

His tail slowly uncoiled and he rose to his full height. “I am better, now that I am out of that strange realm. It is impressive that you held your mind and body together well enough to fight through that book. I am baffled at how you manage to deal with Athena. She… horrifies me, as much as I am ashamed to admit it.”

“Yeah, she’s scary as hell. Some kind of… subhuman abomination of power and bones. I honestly thought she was going to molest me yesterday. When I got out of the book, I had a small mental breakdown.”

“Hm. That is understandable. Should one such as her desire you, there would be no denying her. It would be a distinctly unpleasant experience.” He slid over to the wall, for a moment, just to look away. “Now, I hear talk. Interesting talk.” He grabbed his huge rod and turned back to face me. “Talk that you have given in to your female nature.”

“I have given in to reality, Ames. If that is a problem, it is not too late to drop you off at Stone Falls.”

He stared at me in silence for several long seconds, his hands slowly tensing and loosing on his stick. Finally, he lowered his body and slid forward. One hand released his tool and he placed that hand on my shoulder. “The reality is that you are my equal. Male or female, you are my equal. The reality is that the naga way is not the only way in this world. Despite your change, you did not become weak. You did not become a simpering fool. You stayed strong. You stayed my equal. Traveling has changed me, as I’m sure you knew it would. For better or worse, I am no longer the same naga I was when I left.”

I took his large hand with my own. “It’s for the better, brother. And I know how hard it’s gotta be for you to change like this. I know how… tense and stressed it can make you.” I pulled his hand up and looked him in the eyes, smiling softly. “I bet I know how to help you relax, too.”

He looked down at his hand in mine. “It has been some time. I know I’m a little stiff. Do you think we could be gentle this time?”

“Us? Gentle?” I reached out and took his stick in my other hand to try to heft its weight. “With this thing between us, I don’t think either of us could be gentle. But you love roughing me up, don’t you deny it.”

He laughed softly and pulled the thing away from me. “True. I wager it’s been some time since your body was given a true workout, too.” His hand finally pulled away from mine and he slowly ran it down my side. “Just as I thought. You’re so soft… I believe I’ll enjoy breaking you in again!”

“What are we waiting for?” I asked with a smirk.

Before he could reply, his door slammed the rest of the way open and Flo oozed in, bright red. She slid right to us and slapped us both in the face, then left without a single word.

We both watched her leave in stunned silence. When she was gone, we slowly looked at each other, both rubbing our faces. “What’s her problem?” he finally asked.

“Man, I don’t fucking know. Let me go get some protection and we can get started.”

“I’ll be waiting, little sister.” For some reason, I shivered when he called me that, and went to prepare my body for him.

Having so few specific things that needed to be taken care of made falling back into the rhythm of life on the ship so much easier.

Wake up, shower, eat, check with Watcher and Gourd to see if anything was up, practice with the naga and Spike, eat, spend time with Taya, speak to my soldiers or friends, eat, fool around with Twilight, sleep, practice dream stuff with her.

A standard, easy routine. I somehow managed to put being a noble in the back of my mind. As Flo said, nothing really changed, not really. Or at least, nothing really changed on the ship. I knew whenever I was in a pony city, things might be different. Especially Canterlot. And I knew it had ramifications when the journey was over.

But none of that really concerned me, at the moment. I was back with friends, back with people I liked, back where I was needed, and I was back to a routine.

It was nice.

As with all nice things, it couldn’t last. A week and a half after we left Canterlot, Twilight sat me down on her bed before we started our typical session and said, “Can we try something different tonight?”

“Twilight, we try different things every night. And let me tell you, my joints are still aching from last night.”

“Well… yeah. But I meant different as in… a different species. I’ve been turning you into a pony every night, but I did a little bit of research while in Canterlot and I believe I can turn you into something else now.”

“Oh. What did you have in mind? I’ve done changeling before and that was pretty neat.”

She tapped a hoof on the floor, then shook her head. “I thought about that, but I decided I wanted to try something that hadn’t been done before. How do you feel about being a griffin?”

“I don’t think I’d mind that at all. You sure you can do it?”

“Pretty sure, yeah. Hold still.”

“Wait, pretty sure? Or, like, actually sure?”

She rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. Before I could tell her I was reconsidering, my body started changing. My feet and back half started slowly becoming feline and smaller, more lithe. Then the rest of me also started becoming feline and smaller. I shrank and shrank until I took up less than a quarter of the bed. My hands became paws, my wings disappeared into my back, a tail shot out, my ears elongated…

Yada yada, she turned me into an actual fucking housecat.

When the light around her horn finally died down, her mouth just dropped. She was stunned for a second before I could realize something was wrong. She recovered enough to rub her eyes with her hooves to make sure she was seeing things right. Once she was sure that I was, in fact, a cat, her horn lit up again.

Despite not knowing anything about that body, I managed to shoot off the bed and found myself under it before she could do anything with that horn. If she managed to turn me into a fucking cat on accident, I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out what she would try doing to fix it.

“Nav, can you… can you understand me?” she asked. I tried telling her yes, but it came out to my ears as a meow. She whimpered slightly and continued, “I… don’t know if that’s a good sign. If you come out, I promise not to do anything.”

Given that she was probably the only one on the ship that could fix it, I did as she said and came out. She looked me over for a moment before carefully picking me up with her hooves and setting me back on the bed.

She slowly sighed and said, “Alright, um… Let’s see, raise your right paw if you can understand me.” I raised my right paw. “Okay, good. I’m not going to go into the specifics of what went wrong, but it probably boils down to this: Griffins are a hodgepodge of animals. So I figured to make you a griffin, I had to make you based off the animals they’re based on. I guess I went a little too strong on the cat.”

I hissed at her.

“Okay, more than a little too strong. Regardless, fixing it will be mostly easy. It’ll just take some… uh, some calibrations, so to say. To the spell.” Flo very slowly pushed the claws out on my right paw, which was still raised. “I’ll have it done by morning, I promise!”

Since the claws were still out, I drew that paw across my throat, pantomiming slitting hers.

“Yes, yes, you’re angry. Trust me, I’m well aware. I’ll let you… I don’t know, I’ll let you do something weird to me later to make up for it.” She lifted a hoof and slowly rubbed her temple. “Ugh, it’s gonna be a long night… And you’re no good to me like this. I know you’re still you, but I am not going to dominate a housecat, I don’t care whose mind is in there. And I don’t need you here distracting me. Go… I don’t know, go claw Rarity’s curtains or something.”

I jumped across the void separating us and booped her on the fucking nose as hard as I could. Thankfully, I landed on my feet, then jumped back on her bed and laid across her pillow.

“Nav, I don’t want your white fur all over everything. Doppel turns into enough weird things here that no one would think twice if they saw a white cat roaming around. Just go sit in your room.”

God dammit. Flo, can you come smack her around for me?

A few seconds later, something slowly slid through the cracks around her window. After enough of her was inside, it took on Flo’s standard shape. “I heard you have been mistreating my human,” she said, turning a very weak shade of red.

“No, I’ve been mistreating your cat,” Twilight replied, pointing at me. “Would you mind holding her for a little while so I can work on fixing her?”

“I will handle her. But Nav had a request.” She reached out and smacked Twilight twice. Not too hard, but it was sufficient to show my anger. “There. We’ll be out of your hair now.” Flo held her arms open and I leapt into them.

Thankfully, there are enough weird things on this ship that no one really thought to question why a water elemental suddenly had a cat. She took me to my room and set me on the dresser, then closed the door. Thank you. So how should I get back at Twilight?

“Vibrating panties in public. And nothing else.”

Works for me. So now what?

“How upset would you be if I dropped you off in Fluttershy’s room?”

I’m gonna go with very.

“...And how upset would you be if I dropped Fluttershy off in here?”

Slightly less, but still fairly upset.

“Just checking.” She placed a warm, watery hand on my head. “I have no intentions of informing her. Your belly is mine and mine alone to rub.”

After a few long seconds of thought, I rolled over and presented it. She giggled in evil glee and started lowering that same hand.

Right as it connected, the door slammed open and a frantic yellow horse bounded in. Fluttershy’s eyes took everything in at once and she shot across the room to grab me right out from under Flo’s hands. She squee’d adorably and gently hugged me up against her fluffy chest. Not gently enough to stop me from being absolutely horrified, but it didn’t hurt.

When she was done with that, she started flying out, just staring at me in absolute wonder. She continued flying and giggling for about fifteen seconds before she realized we weren’t going anywhere. Then she blinked a few times and looked back to find that Flo had her tail in a vice grip.

“I will ask you this once, Fluttershy. Give me that cat.”

“That… That wasn’t actually a question.” Flo instantly lit bright red and Fluttershy squealed, hugging me tighter.

“Give. Me. My. Human.” With every word, she grew in size and started towering over Fluttershy, even though the mare was flying. At the last word, Fluttershy’s wings stopped working and she fell to the deck, thankfully on her back so I didn’t get crushed. Flo used another hand to pluck me from Fluttershy’s grasp and set me on her own warm, red head. “Why are you here?”

At the moment, I didn’t really know if Fluttershy could answer that. Her mouth was quivering horribly, her eyes were wide, both her wings were tucked against her body tighter than a virgin, and all four of her legs were curled up in front of her to protect her.

I patted Flo on the head. Might want to ease back a little.

Bubbles started escaping my elemental as she slowly returned to her normal blue self. When she was back to her regular size, she released Fluttershy’s tail and sighed. “Better. Why are you here, Fluttershy?”

“O-one… One of your sisters told me… Nav was a kitty!”

“Which one of my sisters told you this?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know. B-but N-nav… Nav’s a kitty!”

“Yes, Navarone is currently a cat.”

Fluttershy’s eyes moved to mine. “Can I play with her?”

“You may not.” Her eyes immediately went downcast. “What exactly did this elemental tell you?”

“That Twilight made a magical mistake and turned Nav into a cat…” Her eyes finally went to Flo’s. “Why can’t I play with her?”

“Did this elemental tell you anything else? Or just that?”

“That was all. May I please play with her?”

Flo stopped talking to her and just started talking in my head. “Do you mind if I look into her mind to see which sister did it?”

Ask her permission first.

“Fluttershy, I am going to peer into your memory. I am quite interested in which of my sisters told you this.”

“Um. If you do, can I play with Navi?”

Flo shoved several fingers through Fluttershy’s eyes. Since the memories weren’t that far back, it didn’t take her long to suck them back out. “Aqua. I figured.”

She idly scooped Fluttershy up like she weighed nothing and started pacing the room, rubbing Fluttershy’s belly and presumably thinking. I had a very nice view of Fluttershy’s face as her tummy was molested, and almost found myself feeling jealous, since that’s pretty much what my face would look like if she hadn’t burst in.

After about a minute of that, Flo started thinking at me again. “Aqua didn’t even tell her that you were still sapient. So now we get to have revenge on Twilight and her elemental.”

Well I mean, it was just a prank. Remember all that time I spent dressing her up in dreams?

“Don’t defend her, Nav. I’m giving you the opportunity to prank one of my sisters. Be grateful.”

Tch. I thought you waters were supposed to be all high and mighty, above petty revenge and all that jazz.

“Tell that to my sister, who just tried to sic Fluttershy on you.”

Fair enough. That poor mare looked very content at the moment, too. You know, I have been awfully mean to Fluttershy in the past…

“Nav, don’t tell me you’re thinking about it.”

Yeah, you’re right. Why should I let that poor, abused mare have anything nice? It’s not like I broke her heart or destroyed her feelings or emotionally abused her or—

Flo spoke up, saying, “Fluttershy, I need to go speak to one of my sisters.” She set that mare on my bed and very gently placed me on top of her. “Would you mind looking after Nav in here for a few minutes?”

That knocked Fluttershy out of her stupor of pleasure and her eyes widened again. “R-really?!”

Flo put a finger on Fluttershy’s nose. “I can feel every emotion Navarone has right now. If she becomes distressed for any reason, I will know. And if something happens to her, I will make sure that you have nothing but nightmares until the day you die, which I will ensure to be sooner than you’d like. Have fun!” She released Fluttershy and slid out the door.

Fluttershy watched the elemental until she was gone, then her eyes slowly turned to me. Instead of a look of horror like I was expecting, they were filled with glee and she very carefully hugged me, squeeing softly again.

When she was done trying to murder me that way, she set me on the bed and hopped up so she could close the door. Once that was done, she turned back to me, still smiling. “Can you understand me?” she asked.

I tilted my head slightly. Even if I did understand her, how would she understand me?

“It’s okay, Nav. Not many ponies know this, but…” She looked back at her ass tattoo before standing sideways so I could see it. “My special talent lets me communicate with some animals! It’s usually really basic, but I can understand a lot!”

Fuck it, let’s see. I tried saying, “I can understand you,” but it just came out as another meow.

She blinked a few times before shaking her head. “I guess when she made you a cute little kitty, she made you a cute little… um, human kitty? Well, you said all the animals in your time weren’t really intelligent, so maybe the same is true of you? Hm.” She stepped closer and slowly stroked my back. My body involuntarily stood, pressing itself against her hoof. “Well, you still have a cat’s instincts. I wonder why Twilight made you like this…”

Let’s see… She’s impatient, doesn’t test things thoroughly, takes unnecessary risks, thinks too little of her friends, and probably a few other reasons.

Flo snorted. “Are you talking about yourself or Twilight?”

Before I could tell her to go fuck herself, Fluttershy booped me on the nose. “Well, even if you can’t talk to me, at least I can still play with you!”

She moved her head in very close to give me an Eskimo kiss. Since her hair was so long and it was dangling right next to me, I darted to it and started batting it with my paws before she could touch me.

It took her a second to realize what I was doing, since I was doing it under her snout. When she did, she giggled and started moving her head around to let me chase it. Say what you want about her as a person, but that miniature horse loves her some animals. And she knows how to have fun with them.

I got bored with that pretty quickly, since I couldn’t actually grab onto it. Chasing it around was interesting, but not really challenging because she didn’t think I was smart and she was also a fucking pussy. So I hopped off the bed and rubbed myself between her legs. She was just short enough that I could also press against her belly with my back if I arched it right.

She just stood there and let me rub my pussy against her, then eventually decided to start rubbing it herself. Her feathery wings felt very good against my body, unsurprisingly. I probably shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but since she didn’t know I was still me, it didn’t feel too weird.

After a few minutes of letting her mindlessly love on me, I hopped up on the bed and decided to be nice and present my belly. When she saw that, she chuckled and shook her head. “Silly Navi, I know better than that! Even smart kitties don’t let you play with their cute little tummies.” She sighed and shook her head. “Such a shame, too. They’re so soft and fuzzy and warm and comfy and cute and cuddly and… Oooh, it’s worth it!”

I wasn’t expecting her to place her face against me, but she buried her snout into my belly and nuzzled me, basking in the fur. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel anything like having my stomach rubbed as a pony. That’s not to say it felt bad or anything, but it didn’t feel amazing or whatever. When she came up for air, she kept her head against me, just pressing her mouth against my stomach and looking up at me with her pretty eyes.

So I batted her on the nose. Not with claws out, just a playful boop. She smiled widely and subsequently got a mouth full of hair when I shifted. Her head jerked up and she sputtered out, trying to get rid of that weird feeling.

While she was distracted with that, I stood up, carefully did some judging, decided my judgment was probably awful, and let Flo help me jump onto Fluttershy’s head. I only stayed up there long enough to make another judgment and then hopped onto her back. She stifled a gasp as I carefully kneaded her back with my paws, preparing it to lay on. Once again, I didn’t use claws so there’s no way I hurt her.

When my new bed was ready, I curled up on her back, directly between her wings. She turned her head to look at me and sweetly sighed. “Even human-like kitties will sleep anywhere, I guess.”

So she wouldn’t disturb me, she very carefully got on the bed and curled her legs under her body. As soon as she got comfortable, Flo silently slid back under the door and scooped me right off the pony’s back. “You may leave, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, but we were just—”

“You were just leaving, yes,” Flo said with a nod. “I believe you know the way out.”

“Um… O-okay. Can I maybe… Kiss Navi on her cute little nose? Just once?”

Flo rolled her eyes and held me up in front of Fluttershy. It wasn’t the most comfortable position to be in, but I silently bore it and just stared at the timid butter horse. She blushed for just a moment before kissing me right on the nose. Before she could pull back, I licked her with my creepy sandpaper tongue.

When she backed up, she had a large smile on her face. “Goodnight, Navi,” she whispered. Her deeds done, she happily trotted out, wings trembling in joy.

So that was super adorable.

“You’re masochistic,” my elemental grunted. She shot out a tendril of water to pull the door closed, then set me back on the bed. “Is your body ready?”


I refuse to write what she did to me that night. All I will say is that it was very enjoyable and it might or might not have involved belly rubs.

When I woke up, it was to a furry body. Some part of me expected Twilight to have turned me back by then. But of course, I’m not allowed to have nice things. So as soon as I got up, Flo graciously ferried me down to Twilight’s room.

That silly little mare was sleeping. Several books were strewn all over the place. Flo stopped at the doorway and set me on the floor so I could silently pad my way inside. As soon as I got next to the bed, she helped me jump up and I planted myself on top of Twilight’s chest. That didn’t wake her up, so I slapped her in the face with my paws until her eyes flapped open.

She got to wake up to a very angry looking cat right in her face. “Um. Hi, Nav.” I slapped her nose with a paw. Her eyebrows furrowed and she rubbed at it with a hoof. “So I take it you’re still upset.” I popped her nose again. She looked down at my legs and realized that I was definitely standing on her. “Well, I have some bad news. You see—” Flo ejected my claws and I slapped her nose again. “Ow! I was joking, Nav!” Her horn lit up and set me on the bed next to her. “Don’t be such a pussy.” That just made me hiss at her.

She chuckled and her horn lit up much brighter. Just like that, I was back to being a completely nude demi-human. “About fucking time.”

“Uh, you’re welcome.”

I looked at my water elemental. She got the message and closed the door. I grabbed Twilight by the horn and shoved her head between my legs. She sighed and began making up for what she did.

A few days after Caturday, I woke up to three water elementals staring at me. I was taking a break from Twilight at the moment because Fluttershy couldn’t stop blushing and giggling any time she saw me and if I was going to suffer, I was damn sure going to make the person who caused it suffer as well. So it was just me in my room with three elementals.

The three in particular this time were Naiad, Aqua, and Brook. I wouldn’t be nearly as worried if Flo was also there. As it was, I unconsciously pulled the sheets up a little higher as soon as I saw them.

“One of our sisters has told us something very worrying,” Brook said, her eyes flashing yellow.

“Which one of your sisters?” I slowly asked.

Naiad moved closer and reached over to place a hand on my shoulder. “There is no need to be afraid, Navarone. We are not angry. We merely wish to speak.”

“Then you guys need to work on your people skills,” I said. “Staring at me while I sleep is creepy, grouping up on people worries them, cornering someone while they’re naked is unpleasant, excluding the one sister of yours that I explicitly trust more than anyone I’ve ever known scares me, and I really don’t like people touching me. You can say whatever you want, but the way you’re approaching me is definitely going to make me afraid.”

Brook sighed and massaged one of her temples, her eyes going a dark blue. “We are so bad at dealing with sapients in this new world… Forgive us, Navarone. I know that some of your past experiences have made you wary of this statement, but we are still trying to catch up with the way the world is. In our time, water elementals were trusted and revered just for being water elementals and no one would ever even think to be afraid of us, for our touch brought comfort and healing. We realize that is no longer the case, but old habits die hard, so to say. Would you care to discuss this elsewhere, after having time to mentally prepare?”

“Now is fine,” I said. “But like, fuck, dude. I didn’t want to wake up to this. Work on unfucking yourselves.”

“It is easy for Flo and Ice, because they melded very well with their hosts and were able to instantly pick up on habits and social niceties,” Aqua said. “But most of us do not have hosts to passively learn from.”

“Aqua, you’re in Twilight,” I said. “Stop pretending you aren’t. If you don’t want her, don’t feel obligated. It’s not necessary for communication anymore.”

“I did not say I did not want her. I said that Flo and Ice melded very well. I implied that I did not. But that does not mean I do not want my host.”

Yeah, okay buddy. “Whatever. We got way off topic. What do you three want?”

Naiad finally got to the point. “Mist told us she was in love with the fire elemental.”

“She told me the same thing,” I said. “I told her to tell you guys, because I figured it was probably pertinent.”

“Pertinent is not quite the correct word,” Brook said. “If Mist and this fire elemental share love for each other, that is no concern of ours. We are of the opinion that it is odd, but it is not our business. One of our concerns is the… level of passion she displays toward this fire elemental.”

“Yeah, that was kinda weird. But as long as they aren’t stupid when they’re together, that won’t really be a problem.”

“True. But it might inspire jealousy. Which brings us to our second concern. We have not yet told Aerie. We were debating what her response might be. And in the end, we decided it might be best for you to speak to her or her proxy.”

“Her proxy being Pinkie Pie?”

“Yes,” Brook replied with a nod. “We do not consider air elementals to have hosts. Their relationship is very different. You freed Aerie and you are friends with her host.”

“Friend is such a strong word.”

Aqua snorted. “Nav, you’re friends with Pinkie. Stop pretending you aren’t.”

“Go fuck yourself. When do you want me to tell her?”

“Today. Gourd is of the opinion that we will get to Hawaii in about five more days. It is time for Aerie to learn that the first fire elemental she will have seen in quite some time will not be interested in her.”

“Okay. Out of curiosity, is there any particular reason Flo isn’t with you?”

Naiad shrugged. “I believe she was preoccupied. She was not here when we entered.”

“Ah. Well, whatever. I’m used to being abandoned in my time of need.” I finally pulled the covers down and started to stand, only to realize that all three of them had moved a lot closer. “What?”

In response to that, Brook swooped in and hugged me. Her body melded against mine, pressing against me in what was probably supposed to be a very comforting way. “If Flo is failing you, we can speak to her for you,” she said. “If you feel she does not love you as well as she could, one of us would happily love you in her place.”

Are they being serious right now? Flo answered in my head by cackling at me. “I have something else to add to your list of shit to learn,” I said, crossing my arms inside of the elemental. “Figure out how to take a fucking joke, Jesus.”

Brook flinched away from me, her eyes going several colors before one settled on orange and the other settled on green. “O-oh… Well… It would be much easier if I had a host.”

“There are plenty of people here to choose from,” I said with a shrug. “Shouldn’t be hard to find someone willing.”

Naiad shook her head. “We’ve tried. None of the soldiers are interested, none of the crew are interested, and only the two most creepy of the Elements of Harmony are interested.”

“...Pinkie and Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy,” Brook said, shivering slightly. “Both are quite persistent about obtaining one of us. I like enthusiastic hosts, but I’m not quite so sure I want them begging to have one of us inside of them. We take care choosing our hosts and they are not interested in getting to know us well enough to actually make a choice. The naga was insulted when we mentioned it and Gilda liked it right up until we said that we could see her every thought. Kat is getting close with one of our sisters and I believe she will soon be a host. Jak isn’t around enough to talk to, Silver Quill is still uncertain about us, Spike is dangerous to us, Zecora isn’t interested, Taya and Spider are too young, and Doppel is on the fence.”

“Hm. What about Watcher and Gourd specifically?” I asked. “They might could be persuaded to see the appeal, given their leadership positions.”

Naiad shrugged. “They are hard to catch alone. Gourd was open to the idea, but he would need some convincing. Watcher is old enough that it might appeal to him, or he might have accepted that his time is almost here. Of the two of them, Watcher seems closer in nature to me, these days. Brook, would you care to attempt Gourd?”

“I would be happy to, sister. We shall get out of your hair, Nav. My apologies at waking you in such a manner.”

“Work on that,” I said. “I’ll see you three later.”

Naiad and Brook nodded and seeped out of the room, going right under the closed door. Aqua waited until they were gone and smiled. “Did you enjoy yourself as a cat, Navi?” she sweetly asked.

“It was eh. Do you think you’d enjoy being forced to listen to Twilight talk about friendship for hours?”

Her color took a small hit. “There is very little you could do to harm a water elemental, Nav. I very highly suggest you remember that before you seek to torment me emotionally. I can put a very wide array of thoughts into Twilight’s head. You may do unto me, but I will find worse ways to do unto you.”

“Now you see, that just sounds like the right kind of fun on a boring airship trip. Better watch your back, Aqua. I won’t forget this.”

“We shall see.” With that, she opened the door and left, leaving it wide open so anyone could see my nakedness.

Shame was a commodity I had lost a long time ago, so I hopped out of bed and got dressed. Before I could walk out, my daughter entered my room. “Why were all those elementals in here?” she asked.

“They needed to tell me to do something,” I said. “Would you care to join me in doing it?”

“Okay.” She fell in close behind me as I walked on down to Pinkie’s room. Her door was shut and I had no idea if she was in there or even awake, so I politely and somewhat quietly knocked.

The sounds of giggling I quickly heard on the other side told me that she was probably there. When it opened, that definitely confirmed it. She opened it just enough to peer around, and her smile grew even wider when she realized it was me and she threw it open. Then she noticed Taya and a look of horror replaced that look of joy and she very rapidly jumped out, pulling the door shut behind her.

Hopefully it was in time to stop my daughter from seeing what was on the other side. Rainbow Dash was on the bed and horrifically engorged by a water elemental pulsing around inside of her. A look of pure pleasure was on her face and she was drooling all over the bed.

Surprisingly, Pinkie was actually blushing when she composed herself enough to speak. “H-how can I h-help you, Navi?” she nervously asked.

My eyes slowly moved down to my daughter, who was staring at the door in a mix of shock and interest. My eyes slowly moved back up to Pinkie, who had gone from nervous to sheepish.

“Taya, summon me a newspaper.” Her horn lit up and a newspaper appeared. Her eyes never left the door. I grabbed it, rolled it up, and slapped Pinkie with it. “Bad pony!”

“I didn’t mean to!” I slapped her again. “Owie!”

“Let’s go to my room for a second,” I said, pointing that way with the newspaper. Pinkie sighed and hung her head, then started marching. I followed, then stopped and looked back at my daughter, who was still just standing in front of the door. “Coming, Taya?”

She gulped and shivered. “Yes, mommy,” she happily said, turning to follow.

I shook my head and herded them both into my room before entering and closing the door behind me. “Alright, ignoring all of that. Pinkie, I have some information for Aerie.”

“Uh… Okay. What do you have for her, Navi?”

“The fire elemental we’re going to get is named Blaze and Mist is his lover.”

Pinkie tilted her head slightly. “Why would Aerie—”

My window exploded inward and I got thrown against a wall, then wind started roaring in my ears. “THAT WATERY SLUT IS NO ONES LOVER!”

“Hey, you wanna get mad at someone, I ain’t it!” I yelled over the wind. It slowly died down until a small tornado appeared in the center of my room.

It snatched the newspaper I dropped and she adopted that as her face, using the paper to pantomime speech. “Where is that whore?” she hissed, venom dripping from her newspaper tongue.

“No clue. Probably somewhere on the side of the ship, where they usually congregate. Please don’t destroy anything.”

Aerie howled and the tornado got sucked out of the window. When the last of the noise was gone, the window pulled shut and sealed behind her.

“Man, bitches be fucking trippin’,” I sighed, shaking my head.

“I guess that’s why Aerie would care,” Pinkie mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. Her hair was completely windswept, which honestly didn’t make it look much worse from its typical poofiness. She shrugged and a smile came right back to her face. “Do you wanna join us, Navi? Flo is teaching Dashie and me all kinds of fun things!”

“Pass, for now,” I said. “I’m going to shower, eat, and try to beat the shit out of the naga with a stick. You have fun, though.”

“We will! See ya, Navi!” She happily trotted out, then skipped down the hall.

Flo, you fucking slut. She giggled darkly at me. I shook my head and started looking for a towel. “You interested in practicing shit with me after I shower and eat?” I asked my daughter.

“I uh… I think Twilight needed my help today!”

“Oh. Then I’ll see you when I see you, dear,” I said, bending down to hug her real quick. She followed me to the door and used magic to close it behind us.

When we were an estimated three days away from Hawaii, Watcher called a meeting with me, Gourd, and Brook. Twilight happened to be taking a break from her evil necromantic magic and joined us as well, though I didn’t figure she’d be very useful. We met in the large map room, of course.

“Ship’s flying fine,” Gourd said when we were all situated. “No mechanical or magical issues to report. Supplies are still doing good and Black Fate assured me everypony is still in good health.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said with a nod.

“Quick question,” Twilight hastily said. “I’ve been wondering this for a while. Why is our medic nicknamed Black Fate? Doesn’t that sound kinda… I dunno, bad?”

“It’s a long story,” Watcher said. “It ends with him using medical knowledge and an obscure chemical to blow up the heart of a diamond dog gangster who was threatening the temporary clinic he was operating in the middle of a gang war down in what Nav calls Mexico. What’s our plan for Hawaii?”

“We’ll stop when we get close and send in scouts,” I said. “I was thinking of sending Gilda to scout deeper into the island from up high and have your scouts check out the areas close to where we’ll be coming in. If we determine there’s nothing sapient there, we’ll begin pushing in until we get to where the fire is. Your scouts will fan out ahead of us as we move in, making sure we don’t come up on anything bad.”

“Is there any particular reason you’re sending Gilda?” Watcher asked.

“She has really good eyesight and I think she can fly higher than your ponies can. She can get high in the air and scout ahead. If she finds anything, she can come back to the ship and let us know, so we can proceed more cautiously.”

“You could use us,” Brook said. “Most land-based sapient species live near water. We can scout along the coasts and down any rivers we might find. Judging from the last known size of Hawaii, I believe we can have all of the area explored within one day. It’ll likely be larger now, so it might take longer. It would give you more time to carefully comb the land, so you do not overextend.”

“There’s a reason you didn’t do that in Africa,” I said, crossing my arms. “Zecora’s voodoo bullshit spooked you. What’s different now?”

“It’s a small island,” Brook said, her eyes going brown. “And we will be splitting up. Should we find anything, the chances of being seen are small and if we are, we can easily escape into the ocean. It is possible that we find something that can threaten us, but I believe the possibility so low that the risk is worth taking.”

“Then I’ll let you take it,” I replied with a nod. “I’m not going to rush headlong into this. I will give you and your sisters three days when we get there. Faster would be better, but we should have enough information to begin moving by the third day. Watcher, thoughts?”

“Spike can also scout. I believe that his eyes see heat signatures, so if there’s anything living under tree cover, he could probably see them.”

“And his scales are tough enough that he’d be protected from anything small,” I said. “We’ll send him with one of your scouts.”

“He can see heat signatures?” Twilight asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

“My people called it infrared,” I said, shrugging. “Anything that puts off heat, like mammals or engines, has a heat signature. Things that see in infrared see the heat signature. They don’t necessarily see the object itself, just the heat it puts off. I think dragons mostly see in infrared with a small amount of regular visible spectrum tossed in. That would let them be really good at spotting prey under trees, but it would also let them know that there are actually trees in the way so they don’t get impaled trying to get dinner. There’s no telling how many colors he can actually see. I know at least green, because he’s commented on my eyes before.”

“...That explains some things,” Twilight slowly said. “How did you know this but I didn’t?”

“I dunno. He explained how he saw things to me and I just worked it out from there.”

“Same for me,” Watcher said. “I didn’t have a word for it, though. I believe there is a spell out there that gives you similar vision, but I don’t know it.”

“I do,” Gourd said. “But I never knew it was how dragons saw things. And I don’t know what it’s called. They made us learn it to… Well, they made us learn it. It’s very effective at picking up ponies on a ship’s deck, but you can’t use it to find fish.” He shrugged. “I haven’t used it in a while.”

“Think you can teach some of my unicorns?” Watcher asked.

“I believe I can, but it only works on the unicorn who cast it. There might be another version that works on other ponies.”

“If you teach me, I can figure it out,” Twilight said. “Once you learn enough about spell structures, it’s not usually too difficult to modify them slightly. It’ll take a little bit of experimentation, but nothing dangerous.”

“A lot of your experimentation is dangerous,” I muttered, rubbing my backside. Watcher used magic to summon a rolled up magazine and smacked me with it. “Hey, I meant her necromantic stuff!”

“Sure you did, ma’am,” he gruffly replied. “Let’s get back on topic. If we find anything hostile, what do we do?”

“Depends. If it’s sapient, we can try to talk to it first. There’s no telling what might be there and I’d rather not make a species extinct if I don’t have to. But if it’s not sapient or it decides it doesn’t wanna talk, we kill whatever’s there. I’m not going to risk losing people to try to play nice with a bunch of insane locals. If we run into sapients that aren’t hostile, we talk to them only if necessary and send a note to Celestia so it can be her problem.”

“Fluttershy’s good at pacifying monsters,” Twilight said, shifting slightly. “If it’s a hostile non-sapient creature, we could probably use her to temper it. Or we could just use magic to hold it back. There’s no need to risk fully killing off a rare species, Nav.”

“How many species have we run into so far that can use some weird creepy magic shit that can flow around your spells?” I asked. “Like, what, three? Four, if you count demons. You wanna risk number five being the one that actually gets to nibble on someone, Twilight? And are you willing to put Fluttershy at risk by trusting her skills to work on something that’s probably never seen a pony in the entire time it’s been a species?”

She resolutely nodded. “I trust my friends, Nav. And I want you to trust them, too. If you don’t respect the ponies themselves, respect what they represent. We are the elements of harmony. I believe that the magic that is inside each of us will pull through, regardless of where we are or what situation we’re in.”

I looked at Watcher. He looked at me. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let Fluttershy get eaten because Twilight said it would be okay?” I asked. Twilight started grumbling.

“You have three witnesses that will testify you gave her plenty of warning,” he replied with a shrug. “She can be mad at Twilight all she wants, but we’ll all back you up.”

I looked back at Twilight. “Fluttershy can do her thing, if we run into a pissed off non-sapient creature. I don’t suppose you have any thoughts on how to deal with a pissed off sapient creature?”

“Um. Generosity, maybe?”

I looked at Watcher. He looked at me. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let…” I paused and looked back at Twilight. “Which one’s generosity again?” She just face-hoofed. I shrugged and looked back at Watcher. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let Generosity get killed because Twilight said it would be okay?”

“I think you’re covered, ma’am,” he said.

I looked back at Twilight. “Generosity can do her thing, if we run into pissed off sapient creatures. But really though, which one is Generosity?”

“Ugh, Rarity!”

“...Seriously?” She kicked me and then stalked away, still angrily grumbling. Oh man, my body is going to seriously regret that tonight. Can’t wait. “So are we all set?” I asked, looking back at my group of intelligent followers.

“If it ever becomes pertinent, I’m assigning guards to Rarity and Fluttershy,” Watcher said. “Given that half the purpose of this journey is to find the missing Elements of Harmony, I’m sure that Celestia respects their power and believes that they have special abilities. But on the flipside, half the purpose of this journey is to find the missing Elements of Harmony because something evil and discordant was able to steal them, so I have a healthy dose of skepticism regarding their actual abilities.”

“Agreed,” I said with a nod. “Brook, think you can get a sister to tail them as well? Doesn’t have to be overt or anything, just a friend to watch their back.”

“Happily,” she said with a nod, her eyes turning pink. “A few of us quite like Rarity. And a few of us can stand Fluttershy.”

“Then I think everything is settled. Primary plan is make friends if possible. Backup plan is kill fucking everything if not. Any last minute objections or thoughts?”

All I got was a few heads being shaken. Finally, Watcher said, “I think we’ve planned for all likely scenarios. Everything should go well.”

“Here’s hoping,” I said with a nod.

Everything did not go well.

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