Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


140. Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen—Welcome Home Part 2

Her face immediately turned bright red and her eyes went wide. She began stammering something or another, trying to avoid any real answer. After a few seconds of that, Celestia put a hand on her shoulder. “Come now, Cadance. We’re all girls here. Just tell us.”

Cadance took a very deep breath and looked away, thinking. After a few seconds, she said, “W-well… Since we’re both very busy with running a kingdom and taking care of a foal, we don’t really get to… do much very often. When we do…” She took another deep breath and slowly let it out. “When we do, I let him pick out the toy we use, then I strap it around my hips. He uses magic to lube it up, then I penetrate him and ride him like a mare until he begs me to stop. Then I sit on his face until he gets me off. When we finally go to bed, I get to be the big spoon and sometimes keep the toy in all night.”

Celestia had a very, very ‘what the fuck’ look on her face. I was just smirking like crazy until she finished, when I said, “Fucking hot. How long does he last?”

“You only get one question!” Cadance shot back. “And now it’s your turn! Nav, truth or dare?”

“Dare, of course,” I said.

“I dare you to take a date to the Gala!”

“Done. I’m already going with Celestia,” I said, my smirk only growing.

“Wait wait wait,” Celestia said, finally recovering. “You ride Shining Armor? Not the other way around?”

Cadance sighed and said, “Yes, auntie. A certain friend of ours suggested it.” That second part was said while glaring at me. “My husband had a few issues regarding sex, so Nav gave us some advice. Now please, can we stop talking about this?”

Celestia turned to me and asked, “If you suggested that, why wouldn’t you ever let me do that to you?”

“Because I don’t want nothing up my fucking hershey highway,” I answered with a shrug. “That’s a one way street, baby. So Celestia, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” she said. “But I’ll say right now that I won’t betray any state secrets.”

Shoot, there goes that plan. “Ugh, fine. Have you ever had sexual thoughts about your sister? Or has she told you about any thoughts about you?”

“Yes and yes,” she said. “While I’m not attracted to mares, there is a… comfort involved in having somepony around as long as she was. When you live so long with only one person as a constant, you come to… rely on them in some ways. And I suppose you know by now that we aren’t biologically related anyway, so it’s not like it would matter too much… Not that she knows that, though.”

Now, I wasn’t too shocked by that. Cadance, though… “You had sex with Luna?!”

“Dear me, no! But thoughts about it? On occasion, over the centuries. If you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

“I already do,” I said. “I’ve had sexual thoughts about both of you, after all.”

Celestia snorted and said, “Nav, truth or dare.”

“Truth.” As much as I wanted to say dare, I had a feeling she might try to use that to get me to do something I really didn’t want to do.

“Ooh, I actually get to make Nav tell the truth,” Celestia sultrily said. “Hm… Do you have your sights set on any mare—or stallion—now that your pretty dragoness left you?”

“Not really. A few that I definitely wouldn’t mind doing illicit things to, but relationships don’t belong on the road, and I have a feeling we’re still going to be gone for a while. Besides, I’m not going to stop looking for ways to fix my body, so I’d have to find someone willing to deal with that.”

“But when you finish your little quest?” Cadance asked.

“It’s not your turn,” I said. “So Cadance, truth or dare?”

“Tru—Ugh, dare.”

“Is Shiny here in Canterlot right now?” I asked.

“No. He’s taking care of the kingdom at the moment.”

Damn. Although… “Alright. I dare you to wear a vibrating plug at the Gala.”

“A… a what?” she asked.

“Oh dear,” Celestia chuckled, covering her face.

“A buttplug that vibrates,” I said. “I can take you to get one tomorrow.”

“That’s disgusting!”

“You picked dare,” Celestia said, patting her on the shoulder. “But just think: You can get one for Shining Armor, too!”

“Yeah. They even make them remote controlled, so you can turn it up whenever you want,” I said. “So if he starts talking to a pretty mare, you can just bump up the power and remind him who his ass belongs to.”

“...Are they discreet?” she quietly asked, a blush growing on her face.

“Oh, definitely,” Celestia said. “Why, if somepony was wearing one, you would never even notice…” Her little smile told me exactly what she was currently hiding. “Though if you turn it up on full power, the noise might be noticeable in a quiet room. But if you’re at the Gala and wearing a dress, no pony would notice.”

Cadance sighed, her wings and shoulders sagging. “Then I guess we’re going shopping tomorrow, Nav,” she said. Fuck yes. “Truth or dare, auntie?”

“Hm. Dare. But nothing sexual during the Gala. Nav and I already have… plans.”

“Ugh! Do I even want to know?”

“The reason I’m sitting in this room right now is because we made a deal,” I said. “I get to do sexual things to her, invisible, at the Gala. In return, I’d be a good little girl and have fun at her slumber party.”

Really, auntie? Why would you agree to that?!”

Celestia rolled her eyes and answered, “The Gala is always boring. I look for ways to liven it up each year. This is how I’ll do it this year. So what’s your dare, Cadance?”

“Ugh… Fine. I dare you to go on a public date outside of the Gala.”

That got Celestia to actually flinch slightly. “Oh… Er… Nav, how long are you going to be here, again?”

“Few weeks, probably.”

“...Do you want to go on a date?”

Fuck it. “Sure. No promises it’ll lead to anything.”

“I understand. We can make plans later.”

“I absolutely refuse to go to the Loveboat,” I immediately said.

“Hey, Shining Armor took me there once!” Cadance said. “That place was fun!”

“Yeah, if you’re a teenager. I accidentally took a lesbian there a year or two ago. Worst mistake of that week.”

“...You accidentally dated a lesbian when you were a guy?” Cadance asked, actually surprised.

“We were looking for a place to eat and picked one at random, not realizing it was a place for couples. Before we could leave, one of our friends that happened to be there on a bad date forced us to join her. One thing led to another and before the week was done, I almost turned a lesbo bi.”


“Anyway, my turn,” Celestia said. “Nav, truth or dare?”

Time to live on the wild side, and fuck me for it. “Dare,” I said, already dreading what she’d say.

“I dare you to try anal,” she predictably said.

“God fucking dammit. Fine. Never let it be said I didn’t try everything at least once before I say never again.”

“I doubt that’ll happen,” Celestia sweetly said. “The first time is difficult, but it gets progressively better.”

“Shining Armor said the same thing,” Cadance confirmed, nodding. “He tried it on me a few times, but he… didn’t last long enough to make it feel good.”

“You two really need to work on that,” I sadly said, shaking my head. “Cadance, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” she said, then whispered, “Though I bet I’ll regret it…”

“Do you know what swinging is?” I asked.

“It’s when fillies and colts get on a swing set, duh.”

“Well, so much for that…”

“What’s your definition of swinging, then?” she asked.

“It’s when you swap sex partners,” I said. “Sometimes married couples do it to spice things up. But it’s probably not something you and Shiny should do, so instead, I dare you to show Shining Armor all those fanfictions you wrote about him as a teenager.”

Her eyes immediately went wide. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You wrote things about Shining Armor?” Celestia asked.

“Sure did,” I said, nodding. “One involved a male vampire, a sexually loose male partner, and a bdsm club.”

“Twilight said she wouldn’t tell anypony! And I didn’t change it to Shiny until after she read them!”

“I have my ways,” I said with a smirk. “So make sure to show them to him.”

She sighed and looked away. “I guess I’ll have to dig them out of my old room here… Knew I should have burned them when we actually started dating…”

“So… what else did that story entail?” Celestia asked me.

“The vampire and the loose partner double-teaming poor Shining Armor, not that he minded too much. I don’t know much else, though.”

“It’s weird that you even know it at all!” Cadance growled. “I didn’t tell anypony!”

“Funny how that works out,” I said, leaning back.

“I believe we have time for one more round,” Celestia said, since it seemed obvious that Cadance was getting a little upset. “It’s late, after all, and I still have a kingdom to run. It’s your turn, Cadance.”

She sighed and said, “As much as I want some revenge for that, auntie, truth or dare?”

“I believe there have been enough strange dares passed around tonight,” she said. “So truth.”

“What was your first time like?” Cadance asked.

Celestia blinked a few times, her eyes going unfocused. “That was… a long time ago,” she quietly said. “It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t fun, and it only happened because I wanted to do anything to feel better after a battle went very poorly. I don’t even remember the stallion’s name, but he didn’t enjoy it that much either. It… didn’t make us feel better.”

“How long ago was that?” I asked.

“It’s not your turn,” Celestia answered. “And I believe that’s the end of the game, since I’m rather tired. Besides, you should never ask a lady her age.”

“I already know you’re only around sixty-two hundred years old.”

“That’s more than I know, then,” she said. “Luna and I stopped keeping count some time ago. Now, let’s head to bed.”

“Aren’t you going to turn us back first?” Cadance asked.

“There will be plenty of time for that in the morning,” Celestia said, standing up. “I’m going to go freshen up, first.” She walked over to the bathroom, leaving me and Cadance alone again.

“You know she’s wearing a buttplug right now, right?” I said, standing.

“No way!”

“She always does,” I said as I began removing the sexy panties.

“That’s really, really weird. And more than I ever wanted to know.”

“Hey, maybe you’ll like it,” I said with a shrug. “We’ll certainly find out tomorrow, when we go get you one.”

“Ugh. Are you really so shameless?”

“She asks as I strip down in front of her. You should know, since you lived with me for nearly a year. And that was before Spike and I had to pretend to be married.”

“Wait, what?”

“Down in South America, the two of us got captured by some monkeys that turned me into a queen. To avoid getting married to any of them, Spike and I pretend to be a couple. That involved us doing… many things together.” She smirked and started giggling again. “Hey, laugh all you want. That helped him get his wings, so I don’t mind it so much.”

“Spike has wings now?”

“Sure does. Got them saving me from giant spiders. He actually burst into flames when they came out.”

“That’s really cool… And possibly romantic.”

“Nothing romantic about it,” I said, shaking my head. “Those things were going to rape and torture me. If he didn’t save me, I probably would have found a way to kill myself.”

Before she could respond to that, Celestia extricated herself from the bathroom. “I’m ready for bed,” she said, walking over to said bed. All of its pillows were back in place, at that point, so she just fell onto it.

“And I suppose I should also go freshen up before going to bed,” Cadance sighed, standing.

“Have fun with that,” I told her, hopping up and walking over to the bed. Cadance snorted when I fell on the bed as well and cuddled up next to Celestia, making sure I pressed myself against her boobs. “You’re the best, Princess Breastia,” I happily sighed.

“Do I need to leave you three alone?” Celestia sweetly asked.

“I wouldn’t say no, but I think that can wait.”

“Until after our date?” she asked, one of her hands going to a place I considered inappropriate but not unwelcome.

“Isn’t it uncouth to put out after the first date?” I whispered, running one of my hands down her wing.

“No pony ever said I wasn’t naughty,” Celestia answered, leaning in and kissing me goodnight.

Before we could continue our illicit actions, Cadance joined us in bed, putting me in the middle. Since Celestia and I were currently facing each other, Cadance became my big spoon, pressing her breasticles into my back and pushing her body fully against mine. Celestia’s horn lit up and the light turned off, then the soft, satiny blanket pulled over the three of us.

“Good night, auntie,” Cadance yawned. “And ‘night, Navi.”

Fucking blue beaned. God dammit. Flo, think their dreams will still be in the dream world?

“Don’t even think about it,” Flo said.

Before I could promise to not think about it, Celestia’s horn lit up again and the pall of sleep fell over me yet again. Of course, I appeared in Flo’s glade. As soon as I did, I broke out of that and into the dream realm, looking around for a few specific dreams. When I saw Celestia’s and Cadance’s dreams, a wicked smile came to my lips.

“Welcome to wet dream central,” I whispered, flying toward Cadance’s dream.

Needless to say, I ended up getting even more revenge on both of them for making me dress up like that, though Flo most definitely did not approve.

When the sleep spell wore off the next day and I was allowed to wake up, Celestia was already gone, leaving me alone in bed with a furry and horsey Cadance. I waited for a minute or two to see if Celestia was still around and just in the bathroom or something, but the complete silence seemed to say otherwise.

When I tried to get up, I realized that Cadance was definitely holding onto me and seemed rather unwilling to let go. I tried pulling away again, but she pulled back and pressed her hips forward, then whispered, “Five more minutes and we can go again, honey.”

I smirked and pressed my ass back against her. “Why not now?” I asked.

Her eyes shot open and she pushed me across the bed. “N-Nav?”

I turned over and ran a finger down the bed, smiling prettily. “The same. So you wanna go again?” I sweetly asked.

“Ugh. I need a shower…”

“So do I. Meet me back here in half an hour and we can go shopping.”

“How about an hour, so I can eat first?”

“Oh, you don’t want to make a day out of it? Too cool to hang out with the human, now? I see how it is.” I sighed and rolled away from her and then off the bed, letting my wings sag as I walked to the bathroom.

“Oh, fine. If you’re going to be like that, we can hang out all day.”

I instantly perked up and turned back around. “Nah, I was just fucking with you. I got stuff I need to do today. I’ll meet you in the main dining hall in half an hour.”

“Why do you have to be so difficult?” she asked, shaking her head.

“Because it’s fun. See you soon!” I giggled and let myself into the bathroom, swiftly closing the door behind me.

An hour or so later, the two of us were walking the streets, heading to The Crop. Cadance vehemently denied knowing anything about the store, though I was pretty sure she was lying. After all, the toys she used on Shiny had to come from somewhere.

Going to that place is always definitely an experience, and since I don’t want anyone that might possibly be reading this to know what I got to torture Celestia with, I won’t record the experience in this instance.

Not that there are any such people, right? (Spike, if you’re reading this, I’m standing behind you with a knife.)

So another half hour later, we were walking somewhat aimlessly around the streets of Canterlot. I was walking perfectly normally, but Cadance’s back legs didn’t seem to want to bend correctly. “It feels so weird!” she whispered to me when we were a few blocks away.

“That’s why you’re practicing now,” I said, patting her gently on the back. “You don’t want to be walking like that at the Gala.”

“...Walking like what?” she quietly asked, stopping.

“Like you’re trying to attract every stallion on the street,” I said. Her ears immediately shot down, a small blush coming to her face. “...Let’s try flying,” I said, spreading my wings. The two of us flew up. Since I could see my ship nearby, I started flying to it. “This shouldn’t be as bad,” I said.

“I can feel it pulsing around back there!” she hissed. “Every flap jostles it!”

“This is what you get for playing truth or dare,” I sweetly said.

“I knew I should have dared you to do something weird like this… Where are we even going?”

“My ship. I’m going to drop these bags off and start on my errands for the day.”

She snorted and said, “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I came?”

“Wow, already? You’re just as fast as Shiny!”

“Ugh! What is wrong with you!?”

“I’m perverted. Why do you want to come with me?”

She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s not like I have anything else to do. And I want to get used to this… this thing in me away from too many ponies.”

“I should tell you that I’m going into the Everfree, then. I probably won’t stay long, though.”

“I know how you are in that place. I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, whatever. I’m definitely not planning on spending too long there anyway.” At that time, I hit the deck, finding it almost completely empty of anyone.

Almost isn’t entirely, though. “You talk to the princess for me?” Kat asked.

“...Fuck. I knew I forgot something.” Thanks, Flobama. She popped me a good one for that, but I didn’t make any reaction. “Let me drop these bags off and talk to Spike, and we can go talk to her,” I said.

“What do you need to ask her?” Cadance asked.

“If she can send out a memo about our giant spider guest,” I said.

Cadance’s ears shot down again. “G-giant spider? You actually have one? Here?” That last word was barely a squeak. Just as she asked that, I saw something moving above her. I looked up there and saw Spider using a thread to lower himself to the deck right in front of Cadance. As soon as she noticed him coming down, she squealed and jumped behind me. Of course, Spider was also spooked and jumped to hide behind Kat.

“See, those are the kinds of reactions I figured he’d get,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Well, we need to get him off the ship anyway,” Kat said. “According to the captain, we all need to clear off soon so he can get some ponies here to repair the ship. We’ll need rooms somewhere else for a few days.”

“Fuck. What’s everyone else gonna do?”

“All the bat ponies already left,” she said. “Zecora went with Watcher. I think Jak went with his assistant. Gilda flew off to Ponyville. It’s just me, Taya, Spider, Doppel, Spike, and some of the crew left. I have plenty of bits after Watcher paid me, but getting a room for Spider might be… problematic.”

“If push comes to shove, there should be room in my house. I can stay at the palace and set you two up there.”

“He’s… not dangerous, is he?” Cadance finally asked, standing up on her hind legs to peek over my shoulder.

“He’s just a kid,” I said. “And he’s almost definitely more afraid of you than you are of him.” At that point, he was also peeking over Kat’s shoulder at Cadance. “Now, he is dangerous, but then, so are you and I. He’s not about to hurt anyone.”

“Oh…” She cautiously stepped out from behind me. “Do you want me to go talk to Celestia, then? You can talk to Spike and I can tell her about your problem, then get back here quickly.”

“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “Tell her that he’s shown no sign of being like the others.”

“Alright. Though why can’t you just let them stay at your house?”

“Because I let some friends live there until they can afford a place that’s large enough for them and their kids.”

“That was… really nice of you,” she said, actually sounding slightly surprised. “Well, I should go speak to auntie again, I suppose… I’ll see you soon.” She spread her wings and jumped up again, awkwardly flying away.

“She seemed… jumpy,” Kat said.

“She’s trying out a new toy, if you know what I mean,” I replied. “I’m going below.”

“Are all ponies really that horny?” she muttered as I walked away.

When I got below, I bumped into a tired Doppel. “Oh, hey master,” she yawned. “When did you get back?”

“A few minutes ago. I’ll be leaving again soon, though.”

“Oh, then I have a message for you. Watcher said to make sure to talk to Spike about going to Reginald’s cave.”

“I was just about to do that,” I said. “How would you like to live in the royal palace for a few days?”

“That place is alright, I guess. It’ll probably be more fun this time, though. The last time, you wouldn’t let me do anything.”

“You’ll have more freedom this time. Go pack whatever you want. Even if you don’t end up at the palace, apparently we all need to vacate the ship, so I’ll have you all move to either a hotel in Canterlot, the palace, or maybe our old house.”

“Works for me,” she said. “If you want to talk to Spike, he’s still asleep.”

“Not for long,” I said. “See you later, Doppel.”

“Of course, master,” she said, slowly walking back to her own room while I went to mine.

Taya was still lazing about on my bed, also sleeping. I decided to let her stay there for now and dropped the bag full of toys off while I went down to Spike’s room. When I let myself in, I saw that he was definitely still asleep and his lower half was out of the blanket, giving me a sight I didn’t want.

I carefully tossed the blanket over him before shaking him. He grunted and grabbed my arm. All I had time to do was look surprised before he yanked me down on top of him, gently petting my hair. “I am not a teddy bear,” I hissed, pushing myself right back off of him and flipping his mattress.

That woke him up. “What?” he asked, jerking upright and sleepily looking around. When he saw me, he blinked. “Oh, you’re back.”

“Yeah. Take a quick shower and eat. We’re going on a field trip.”


“To talk to Reginald. If possible, you’re going to be staying with him for a few days.” More like a few weeks.

“What? Why?”

“We gotta clear the ship and I figure he can use that time to fill you in about more dragon stuff. It’ll be good for you. So take a quick shower and eat.”

“Where are you gonna be staying?”

“Probably the palace. Perks of being the princess’s booty call.”

“...So while you get to live in luxury, I have to live in the middle of the Everfree in a cave?”

“Spike, I’m a defenseless woman. If I went to live out there, I’d be raped and eaten instantly.” He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Then stop treating me like one. Yes, I get to stay in the palace. Celestia doesn’t have a lot of meat and a ton of gems to feed you, so you need to live somewhere that does. Thus, you’ll be staying with Reginald, if he doesn’t mind. So again, take a shower and then eat. Meet me on deck when you’re done.” At that point, I left, though I think he still wanted to continue the conversation.

With Spike awake and getting ready, I walked back to my room where Taya hadn’t stirred. I gently shook her awake, hoping she wouldn’t have the same reaction Spike had. Thankfully, she didn’t, and woke up rather easily. “Daddy?” she asked, following my arm up.

“Yep. Sorry I didn’t get back last night,” I said. “I definitely wasn’t expecting what happened.”

“What did happen?” she quietly asked, sitting up.

“A sleepover,” I sighed. “It was awful.”

“Oh. Did anyone tell you that we have to get off the ship?”

“Yeah. I sent someone to talk to Celestia. We’ll probably stay at the palace, unless all the rooms are full. So pack whatever you think you might need, because I don’t think we’ll be back on the ship until it’s fully repaired. We’ll probably be leaving when I get back from meeting with a friend.”

“Can I go?” she asked.

“Did you suddenly sprout wings?” I asked.


“Then I’m afraid not. It’ll give you time to take a shower, eat, and make sure you’re fully packed, at least.” I started grabbing the dragon armor Spike made and stuffing it into the weird cloak thing.

“Why are you packing that stuff?” she asked.

“I’m going to ask that old friend to look it over, see if he feels anything weird coming from it. He’s one of the few people I know that’s qualified to do that. He’ll also be able to tell me if it’s a good or bad idea to wear it.”

“...Just who is this friend?”

“Reginald the dragon.” It didn’t take me long to pack the armor, and thankfully it wasn’t overly heavy.

“If you don’t trust it, why did you wear it before?” she asked.

“Because sometimes you have to do stupid things for friends,” I said. “Spike did a lot to get me this armor, so I had to at least try it on once for him. But I haven’t worn it while fighting yet and I won’t until I ask this guy about it.”

“Are you gonna bring him the other things you found?”

“Nah. He’s a dragon, not a mage. I’m heading topside. Make sure to take a shower and eat before packing.”

“Ugh. Why do I always have to take a shower when I wake up?”

“Well, you can take one before you go to bed, if you prefer. They just always helped me wake up, so I waited until morning. But you’re going to be taking at least one shower a day, while we have the water for it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

“Yep, sure is.” I grabbed my sword, my rifle, and a few magazines. “See you when I get back, dear.”

“Okay, daddy,” she answered as she hopped down and I walked out.

A little less than half an hour later, Cadance was back on the ship, swaying her hips slightly. “Are you sure this thing’s always… supposed to be on?” she asked, panting slightly.

“Enjoying it a little too much?” I asked with a smirk. Kat and Spider were on the other side of the deck at the moment, so they weren’t hearing anything they shouldn’t.


“Then turn it down a little. Edging yourself can be a lot of fun, especially when you know it’ll be a while before you can actually cum. If you keep yourself frustrated and on edge until you get home to Shiny, the first orgasm you have will be mindblowing.”

“...Edging myself?” she exasperatedly asked.

“It’s when you get right on the edge of an orgasm but then stop what you’re doing so you don’t actually cum. Since you have that thing in anyway, you might as well try it.”

She pursed her lips and her horn lit up. A second later, she visibly relaxed. “You’re a horrible, horrible influence on me.”

“Sure am. What did Celestia say?”

“You’re all welcome in the palace, though she said you would have to pay rent.”

“Did she say how much?”

“Just that you would be walking funny, whatever that meant. So are we going to the Everfree now or what?”

“I need to tell Kat and then we have to wait for Spike. He should be up soon.”

So I went to tell Kat the good news and that she needed to pack some stuff. She responded as I figured she would and took Spider back down. A minute after she left, Spike came up, carrying a rucksack, the crossbow, and a quiver of bolts. “Ready to go?” I asked him.

“I guess. Hey Cadance. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for the Gala,” she said. “And I didn’t have anything else to do, so Nav said we could hang out and have a girl’s day out!”

“Hey, why does she get to say that?” he asked.

“She doesn’t,” I answered, swatting her behind. She jumped a lot more than she should have, probably because of the toy, and glared at me. I just smiled sweetly and asked, “Shall we?”

Spike spread his wings, making Cadance smile. “Cool, huh?” he said. “I actually got them saving Nav!”

“He told me,” Cadance said. “I thought it sounded rather romantic, myself.” A large blush quickly covered Spike’s face.

“N-no! It was just… helping her. Him! Helping him!”

“Ugh. Let’s go,” I said, walking over to the side and jumping off. I knew they’d join me eventually, so I just started flying toward the forest at my normal speed. Sure enough, both of them joined me in the air a few moments later. “Hey Spike, make sure to stop by Ponyville to show off your wings before we leave,” I said. “I’m sure everyone there will love to see them.”

“Think they’ll recognize me?”

“You haven’t gotten that big yet.”

We continued the pointless small talk all the way up to Reginald’s cave, where we landed an appreciable distance away. “I think I’ve met this dragon before,” Cadance said when we were down.

“He was at the Gala when I got stabbed,” I said.

“Oh, yes. Auntie Celestia asked me to introduce myself. He didn’t seem that interested until I mentioned you.”

“Weird. I need to talk to him alone for a few minutes, though,” I said. “It shouldn’t take too long. Wait out here.”

“Sure it’s safe?” Spike asked.

I looked at the scorched skeleton of some Everfree predator and said, “Yeah, you’ll be fine. See you in a few.” He shrugged and pulled his crossbow up as I started walking toward the cave. I heard the two of them start talking behind me, but I didn’t really care to listen.

It didn’t take me long to get into his cave. Once again, as soon as he realized I was there, his head snaked out. “I smell a new visitor,” he rumbled. “Is it a thief?”

“I know it hasn’t been that long,” I said.

“New smell, new voice… yet familiar body,” he said, his head moving in close. “Could that be… Navarone?”

“It is. How do I smell?”

“Sweet. Smells and voices do not just change. Are my eyes deceiving me, or is it my ears and nose?” To punctuate that, he shot his tongue out at me and stopped it mere inches from me, then schlicked it back in. “My taste, too, is off. What manner of sorcery is this?”

“It’s a curse from your old friend Discord,” I answered. “He turned me into a female.”

“Now that is something that chaotic soul would do,” he said, pulling away. “Speak, friend, and tell me my original name.”

“Friend, if that’s what you mean. Then you learned it was Reginald when you spoke to Luna.”

“Navarone, indeed. So you have confirmed that Discord is free?”

“Yeah. Celestia finally realized it after he stole the artifacts that locked him away. I’ve been away from Equestria, trying to find them and other things.”

“Excellent! Now that the threat is known, I shall rejoin Luna and we can hunt that madman down!”

“That… might be a problem,” I said, scratching at my neck. “Luna’s kinda… in prison.”

Reggie blinked and very slowly moved his head down to mine. “What. Did. She. Do?” he rumbled.

“You really, really don’t want to know.”

“I will either learn from you or I will learn from Celestia, and I would rather hear it from the lips of a friend, Navarone. Did she side with Discord?”

“No. And I say ‘prison’ lightly, because I don’t actually know where she is. But I was told she was a place where she belonged. As to her crimes… Come on, man. Please don’t make me tell you.”

He lifted his wings and said, “Should you stay silent, I will fly to Canterlot immediately.”

I sighed and said, “Can we talk a little more comfortably, then? This isn’t exactly a fun topic and I don’t want to crane my neck.”

One of his hands carefully wrapped around me and he started lifting me, then stopped. “Your body feels… different,” he said, opening his claw and looking down on me.

I cupped my boobs and said, “Female. We’re shaped differently.”

“Ah, I see.” He continued lifting me up to the tall spire he used to talk to guests. “So tell me, Navarone. What did Luna do?”

“Promise you won’t get mad.”

He blinked a few times. “Why… would I get mad?”

“She… mistreated me.”

“Mistreating is a very wide statement. What actions could she have committed against a friend that would put her in prison?”

“...Do you know what rape is?”

It took him a few very long seconds to reply in a voice that I was not comfortable with. “I do.”

“Luna kinda… raped me.” He immediately started growling. “A few times.” Smoke started coming from his nose. “And tried to kill me a few times.” Both of his claws clenched, cutting through the stone. “And I don’t suppose you happen to know what love poison is?” The spikes he had on his neck started sticking straight up. “Oh, and she used her power of dreams to make all the ponies dream about fucking me.”

Things got very silent in that cave for about half a minute before he roared, “SHE WHAT?!” The force of that shout was almost enough to knock me off the fucking spire. For one brief moment, I very seriously thought he was going to kill me. “Where is she?” he hissed, his vestigial eyelids blinking and his pupils retracting.

I immediately jumped off the spire and flew over to his face, wrapping my arms around his snout. “Reggie, calm down,” I said, hoping a hug would have some kind of effect on him.

“I demand the truth of the matter,” he said, shaking his head once. “I trust you and I trust Luna. You would not lie, but she would not do such things!”

“Hey, I understand that you’re mad, but you can't do anything like this! You’ll kill somebody!”

“‘Twould merely be justice!”

“Murder is vengeance, not justice.”

“And you? You do not desire to rend her flesh and snap her bones? You, who is the purported victim of these crimes?”

“I can’t lie: I’m a predator. I want her punished for what she did. But violence isn’t the way to harm a princess, Reginald. Reputation is key. And her reputation was destroyed when she publicly confessed. That was enough for me.”

“Then why is she in prison?”

“Because she broke the law. Whether or not her actions were enough for me, they weren’t enough for the law. She is being punished, Reggie. There’s no need to hurt her.”

“I would still very, very much like to… have a discussion with her. A long and pointed discussion. Do you happen to know the penalty for such crimes in the dragon horde?”

“I uh… I heard the penalty for rape was… getting raped to death.”

“You heard correctly. And the penalty for murder?”

“...Um. Getting… murdered to death?”

“Close enough. There was talk of inducting her to the dragon horde in times long past. Her sister would not hear of it, but I remember such times well. Who knows where Luna is?”

“...I’ll tell you, but you have to do me a favor first.”

His eyes narrowed and he carefully grabbed me with one of his hands, yanking me away from his face and setting me back on the spire. Once I was away from him, I was able to get a better look and see that he had mostly calmed down. Or at least, it looked like he calmed down.

“Please do not sit on my face again,” he said. “Your smell is… enticing. Things might end poorly for you if you do so again.”

“Um. Noted.”

“Tell me this favor, Navarone. I very much wish to have a discussion with that mare.”

“You remember Spike?”

“I do. His scent is mixed with yours, in fact.”

“Yeah, he’s waiting outside. Lately, he’s been kind of a dick. We’re going to be in Equestria for a few weeks, and I wanted him to stay with you while we’re here. If there’s anything you can teach him about discipline or how to hold back the monster inside him, I would be very grateful.”

“That is… usually something each dragon must learn on his own.”

“But most dragons live with other dragons for some of their lives. Spike hasn’t. He’s almost as tall as I am now, he’s definitely stronger than I am, and he has wings now. I’m not asking you to do any miracles. I’m just asking you to help him if you can.”

“...Very well. I feel some responsibility for his fate, anyway. Come back to me when you are prepared to leave. I shall… attempt to help him in the interim.”

“Awesome. Oh, and one more thing, if you don’t mind.” I spread my wings and flew down to the cloak I dropped when he picked me up the first time, then opened it. “What do you think of this?” I asked, holding up the breastplate.

“It looks like dragon scales,” he said, reaching a claw out to it.

“Your eyes are working well,” I said. “We ran into an undead dragon in Antarctica. Spike got some of its entropic aging breath, turned into a giant, and then wrecked that dragon’s shit. My crew looted some scales and started making armor from it. I wanted to know if it was safe.”

He lowered his claw and stared at me. “That story is… strange. First, an undead dragon?”

“Yeah. There were a ton of undead down there, all surrounding an ancient and horrifyingly haunted bunker that almost killed me. The dragon was probably the most powerful thing my crew encountered. I was trapped in the bunker, so I didn’t see it myself.”

“That is… discomforting. Did you track down the necromancer?”

“No. We left, since I was almost dead when my crew finally saved me and we were only down there to protect some civilians. Celestia said she was sending someone to take care of it, though.”

“Good, though it sounds like a story I would be happy to hear later. You said Spike gave you this armor?”

“Yeah. He didn’t even think about it being cursed or anything.”

“...Do you remember what I said about dragon scales?”

“They’re really good armor?”

“A dragon giving scales to another is one of the greatest signs of love a dragon can give.”

“I’m sure Spike wasn’t thinking about that when he did this.”

“Are you, now? Your new form is fair and your scent is enticing. Could it not be that he is falling for you?”

“No, it couldn’t be. And if it is, I trust that’ll be something you teach him to forget while he’s staying with you.”

“Yes, that would be wise. As to the armor, I have no idea. Despite popular belief, dragons are not magically sensitive. In fact, we are magically resistant. If you wear that armor, expect some degree of protection from magic.”

“What about lightning?”

“Stay away from lightning, though I don’t know why you’d even ask. That… is not good for us. At all. But that’s a dark story for another time. As far as I know, that armor is safe, though I’d be somewhat wary of using it around other dragons. Some would not wait to hear the story of how you obtained it and would be rather displeased that you had it at all.”

“I will keep that in mind,” I said, stuffing the armor back in the cloak and tying it up. “So let’s go talk to Spike, shall we?”

“Very well,” he said, reaching down and grabbing me for whatever reason. With me in hand, he started walking out.

“You know I can walk, right?” I asked.

“I’m well aware. But you’re also smaller and thus slower than I am.” That was a good point, so I didn’t refute it. Since he set me down when we got outside anyway, I figured it didn’t matter. “And you brought more company than just a dragon,” he said.

“Hello again, Master Reginald,” Cadance said, bending her neck slightly.

“Hello, anomaly,” he replied. “And greetings, Spike. You are going to be spending some time with me.”

“I guess,” he answered with a shrug. When he said that, he seemed to shrink slightly, clinging more tightly to the crossbow.

“Hm. I will see you in some time, Navarone,” Reginald said. “The day is young yet, and I believe Spike and I need to have a talk.”

“Alright. See you later, Spike.” Cadance trotted over to me, her horn lighting up.

When she got to me, Spike said, “Nav, can we—” Before he finished whatever he was going to say, Cadance’s horn lit up much brighter and the two of us teleported back to the ship.

When we hit the deck, I loudly popped my neck and shook my wings. “Warn a guy before you do that,” I said. “Long distance teleportation is always weird.”

“Sorry. I just really wanted to get back so I could… adjust this thing.”

“Still bothering you?”

“The flight over there was not fun at all.”

“Then follow the lady’s instructions for it. Go downstairs to the bathroom, gently pull it out, clean it and use the bathroom, relube it, and pop it back in.”

She shuddered and nodded. “That’s a good idea. Where’s the bathroom?”

“I’ll show you,” I said, walking over to the stairs.

When I got to them, though, the captain was walking out. “Ah, Nav, there you are.”

“Yep, it’s me. I’m working on getting everyone off the ship. I should have it clear of all my people within the hour.”

“Excellent. I decided to do a full checkup, since we’re going to be here for a little while. Where will you be, if I need to contact you?”

“We’ll be staying in the palace. Let me know when the ship’s done.”

“Will do, sir.” Then he finally looked behind me and his eyes widened. “Princess!”

“Please, relax,” she said. “I’m here as a short guest, not as a princess.”

“Well, you’re certainly welcome,” he said, bowing.

“And no bowing, please,” she sighed.

“Of course, of course,” he said, his ears flinching. “I’m just… gonna head up.” He finally walked past me and made sure to skirt around Cadance before heading up to the wheel. By that point, though, we were already heading into the bowels of the ship, to Kumani’s old room.

“Here you are,” I said, opening the door to the large bathroom down in the cargo hold. “I’ll be heading up to deck when I got everyone packed and ready. I’ll probably need some help to get everyone to the palace, if you don’t mind.”

“I can do that,” she said, walking past me and into the bathroom. “I’ll be up momentarily.” With that, she pulled the door shut and I walked up to my room. Taya was, of course, sitting on my bed with a bag next to her and a book under her nose.

“Why are you always in here?” I asked. “I mean, it’s not a problem, but you do have your own room.”

“It smells like you,” she answered without looking up.

“Creepy.” I pulled open the bag I took to the castle yesterday and pulled out the dirty clothes, then started pushing some clean clothes in there. I didn’t know how long we’d be in the palace, so I made sure to pack plenty. When the bag was mostly full, I opened my chest and put the laptop, its charger, and the magic key in there. All that done, I figured I was as ready as I could be, so I grabbed that bag, the bag of armor, and the bag of illicit toys and stood. “Ready?” I asked.

“Yep.” She floated the book she was reading to her bag and pulled it closed, then hopped down. “So how are we gonna get to the palace?”

“Either fly or teleport, depending on Cadance,” I said, walking out and then heading up to the top.

“Why her?” Taya asked.

“Because she’s here with me,” I said. “Somewhere around here, at least.” She wasn’t on deck yet, that was for sure. I figured it would take her a few minutes, anyway. “I’m gonna go find Kat and Doppel, then. Wait up here.” I set my bags down and walked back into the ship. Doppel and Kat were in their respective rooms, and I quickly had them both heading to the deck, since they were ready to go.

By the time we were all in place, Cadance came back up, seeming to walk slightly easier. “Are we all set?” she asked.

“Yep,” I said.

“Good, good. Could you take Doppel and fly there yourself?” she asked. “Teleporting more ponies is hard, so I’d prefer to do it with fewer of them.”

“Sure, if you can take my bags,” I said.

“Those are easy. Just leave them.” I nodded and left them, then stepped away from the group with Doppel. “You’ll be in your normal room,” Cadance said. “The others will be around you, so it shouldn’t take you long to find us.”

“It won’t,” I said. “See you all soon.” Taya waved as Cadance’s horn lit up and they teleported away. Gourd’s head poked down from the wheelhouse at the sudden popping noise. “We’re heading down now,” I said. “As soon as Doppel and I take off, you’re clear.”

“Then I’ll see you when the ship’s done, Nav,” he said with a nod. “Have fun at the palace.”

“Right. Fun. See you, Gourd.” With that, the two of us took off, heading toward the palace.

It wasn’t an overly long flight, and I knew exactly where the room was, so we were able to go in through the window, all ninja-like. Cadance was waiting in there with Taya, trying to engage the poor filly in some kind of discussion.

“So which room is mine?” Doppel asked.

“You’re next door, where you and Chrysalis stayed,” Cadance said. “Nav’s in here, Taya’s on the other side, and Kat and Spider are sharing a room on the other side of Doppel.”

“Awesome. Thanks for the help, Cadance,” I said.

“No problem. If you need anything else, find a maid or ask Celestia. I would stay, but I ran into Twilight when I was here earlier and told her we could spend some time together when I got back to the palace. Though you’re welcome to come too, Nav.”

“Nah, I won’t interrupt your time together. I know she likes monopolizing you as much as possible.”

“Yeah, she does…” Cadance sighed. “Well, I’m sure I’ll see you before the Gala in a few days, anyway. Oh, and be sure to wear a pretty dress for it!”

“...I’ll think about it,” I lied. “See you later, lovebutt.” She waved and then lazily teleported out.

“Well alright then,” I said, stretching. “Doppel, you’re free, but don’t make trouble.”

“Of course, master,” she said with her airy little giggle that just implied she was ready to ruin as many marriages as possible. I knew she was just faking it, though, so I didn’t press her. “Though you do sound rather stressed…”

“Just a little blue beaned,” I told her. She winced slightly in sympathy.

“What does that mean?” Taya asked.

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I said, tousling her hair.

“Or you could tell me so I’ll understand now,” she said, using a hoof to fix her hair.

“It means I spent a lot of time being really horny with no relief,” I said. “But that’ll change soonish.”

“...Oh. Why’s it gonna change?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I said, tousling her hair again. She bore it with a petulant silence that time, dying a little inside. “I’m gonna go see if Kat wants a tour around the city.”

“Can I come?” Doppel asked. “I’ve been to Canterlot a lot, but I never really learned my way around.”

“Sure, though expect to get stared at a lot more than usual if we do go. With me, Kat, Spider, and you, we’ll be Canterlot’s own little freak show.”

“...Maybe I should go on my own, then,” Doppel said. “In disguise.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of that room and then down to Kat’s.

She opened it on the first knock. “Yeah?”

“You want to go on a tour?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I do, but your princess doesn’t want Spider leaving this room until tomorrow. She’s sending word out today about us and asked us to stay out of sight until everyone had a chance to hear.”

“Oh. That’s actually a pretty good idea. Canterlot is… not a very welcoming place to outsiders at times. Especially ones that go outside of their accepted attractiveness levels.”

“I see. Well, it would still be nice to see the city later. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Maybe. And the party of the year is coming up in a few days, too. Celestia might give you invites. Or she might not. Anyway, if you want anything, let me know.”

“Celestia already sent a maid by with that note and instructions to help us however we needed.”

“Oh. Well, if you want any company or anything, let me know. If not, I suppose I can go crash in my room and recover from last night’s ordeal.”

“It sounds like you need the rest, then,” she said with a shrug. “I will see you later, Nav.”

“Alrighty, then. Have fun with Spider’s hot white wads.”

She rolled her eyes and walked back into her room, gently swinging the door closed. I just chuckled and walked back to my own room. When I got there, I found that Doppel had already left. Taya, unsurprisingly enough, hadn’t. “So now what?” she asked.

“Now, we chill,” I said, reaching down to my bag and pulling out the laptop. She joined me on my bed moments later and the two of us merrily chilled.

For the first twenty-four or so hours of homecoming, it wasn’t that much of a bitch. I knew that was only a sign that the things to come would be worse, though.

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