Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


139. Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen—Welcome Home Part 1

While I was headed down to my room, I was stopped by Crabapple. “We’re almost there?” she asked.

“Yeah. You want to come with me to give your report about the mine to the princess? She’s going to want to know what your company knew about it. That’ll be a good chance for you to drop your resumé off, too.”

“My… what?” she asked, blinking.

“Your resumé. You know, the paper that describes all your past work experience, education, name and residence… It’s what you use in a job application.”

“I have never heard of such a thing. To get a job, you show the employer your cutie mark and tell her what it means. You either get hired or not.”

I just shook my head. “Fucking Ponyland. Whatever. You coming or not?”

“I’m quite sure Princess Celestia doesn’t have time for my report, or for me in general. I think it best—”

“Yeah, you’re coming,” I said, nodding. “Meet me topside in five.”


“Don’t bother dressing up.” Before she could make a rebuttal, I walked past her to my room. However, Crabapple is not so easily cowed, it would seem, so she followed me.

“I will not waste the princess’s time,” she told me before I could close my door.

“I know her. You don’t,” I said. “Trust me when I say that you won’t be wasting her time. If you really don’t want a job with her, you don’t have to come. But if you do, meeting her in person’s probably the best way to do so.”

“...I came here to start a new life. I suppose starting it in a bold and daring way will definitely be new. And if things go poorly, I suppose I truly do have nothing to lose.”

“That’s the spirit. Topside in five.” She sighed and wandered off, allowing me to close the door.

There wasn’t too much I wanted to do in there, since I was already mostly prepared. I grabbed a bag that had Athena’s book and a change of clothes, just in case, then slung that weird enchanted cloak over my shoulders so I could use it to hide more of my feminine body. No matter what I did, my ‘cover’ would probably be blown as soon as I opened my mouth, but the constantly shifting cloak would serve as a good distraction to keep everyone’s eyes off my body and on the cloak. After a moment of thought, I collapsed the balancing baton and threw that in one of the cloak pockets. Aside from a dagger and a few throwing knives, it was the only weapon I had on me.

Since I was pretty much ready at that point, I went back to the deck. The passengers were milling about on one side, where they knew the airship would dock. Most of the soldiers were below, because they still needed to get paid by Watcher. Kat and Spider were at the front of the ship, watching the famous and beautiful Canterlot slowly grow larger and larger. Twilight was standing some distance away from them, though she was also facing toward the city.

I joined her, since I still needed to speak to her. “What are you doing first?” I asked.

“Going to speak to my parents,” she said, not looking back. “I’m sure they’re worried sick, even though the princess is relaying all of my letters to them. After that, I’ll go to the mage tower to drop off the magical items we got from Athena’s realm. Or at least, the ones I was able to identify and decided were of no use to us. I’ll probably also find the runemaster and tell him about what Jak is doing.”

“Sure that’s smart?” I broke in. “I don’t want a ton of people crowding the ship and trying to figure out what’s going on. And I definitely don’t want a fight to break out over access to Athena’s book. You know firsthand how dangerous it is.”

“True. But then, should it be our choice who gets entry and who doesn’t?”

“Going into that book is practically suicide unless they’re accompanied by you or me. It may not be our choice, but surely you wouldn’t let anyone risk it.”

“...It is dangerous. I suppose it’s probably for the best that I not mention the book, then. Besides, the knowledge within has its own dangers. Either way, after I drop off the artifacts, I believe Celestia and I need to have a rather long discussion about my status as the element of magic.”

“Is that something you can even renounce?”

“I don’t intend to renounce it. I intend to learn real magic, so the name is true.”

“Good luck. Just don’t come to the palace until tomorrow, if possible.”

“Why’s that?” she asked, finally turning to me.

“Because my goal is to fuck Celestia silly, and I don’t think that’ll help you much.”

“I should’ve known it would be perverted,” she sighed, looking back to the city.

“Yeah, you should’ve. When are you heading back to Ponyville?”

“I don’t know yet. I’ll at least visit before we leave again, though. You’re welcome to come with me, when I do. I know you don’t want your… affliction being known, for whatever reason.”

“I might just do that.” Or I might just completely stay away. “I’ll see you later, Twilight.”

“You going in already?” she asked. “We haven’t docked yet.”

“These wings mean I don’t have to wait. But no, I need to talk to Kat before I leave.”

“Alright. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, if you’re still around the palace.”

“Maybe. I’ll be hiding, that’s for sure. Either way, later.” She didn’t reply, though that wasn’t overly surprising. After all, it’s hard to imagine she really approved of me saying I’d fuck Celestia. So I just went to talk to Kat, instead.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” she said when she heard me approach.

“It takes a while to get old, that’s for sure,” I replied. “But get nearly killed there a few times, and it starts to lose its luster.”

“I imagine…”

“You’re welcome to go into the city, Kat. But let me talk to Celestia before you take Spider with you. And even then, expect plenty of stares. I don’t know if there’s ever been a cat delegation here, and I know there sure as shit hasn’t been a spider delegation, so no one will have ever seen either of your kind.”

“I certainly would like to do some exploring here. But I suppose it can wait for a few days.”

“Good. And I hope I don’t need to tell you this, but stay out of crime while you’re here. You want to buy anything, come to me for gold. I’m friends with the guards here and I don’t want that soured to keep you out of trouble.”

“I’ll stay clean,” she said, nodding. “Do you think you could introduce me to the princess?”

“I could, but that would probably be a poor life decision. She might not know what you look like, but I bet she knows who you are. She might not be as forgiving.”

“...It seems once more that mistakes from the past haunt me.” Gotta pay for it somehow.

Saying that would have been mean, though, so I held my tongue. Spider, however, did not. “What mistakes?” he asked.

“I mistreated someone,” Kat quietly answered, her eyes finding mine. Understatement of the century, perhaps?

After that, I kinda wanted to see how Spider would react, but my attention was nabbed from behind. “Are you ready?” Crabapple asked.

When I turned to her, I found that she had disregarded my instructions and put on something nice. Or at least, something that could possibly be considered nice, I guess.

“I’d say we’re close enough,” I replied, stretching my wings. We were already over the main city, at that point, just heading to the skydock.

“Then shall we?” In response, I jumped off the side, flying toward the palace. Crabby joined me a moment later, her older body easily matching my lazy pace.

“You ever been to Canterlot?” I asked as we flew.

“Once. Ages ago, it feels like. I never thought I’d be back like this.” You aren’t the only one. “It’s almost like nothing changed.”

“Nothing ever seems to, in this place. Immortals don’t like change, I think.”

She didn’t reply to that, not that there was too much to say. We made it to the castle in less than five minutes, so the silence didn’t stretch too long. When we got to the front gates, she stopped. “May we see the—” She stopped, but I didn’t. One of the guards at the front gate was a night guard, surprisingly enough. When he saw me, he jerked his head slightly, telling me to go on, so on I went without a word. She sighed and followed. “I see you’re known here,” she said.

I just snorted, not wanting to talk in such a public place. There were servants and a few courtiers about in the front room, all of which stared at me with wide eyes as I passed. Thankfully, none had the courage to approach.

After so many times there, I knew the way to the throne room by heart, so that’s where I led us. There wasn’t a line, oddly enough, and another of the guards in front of the throne room door was another night guard.

“She’s not here, sir,” that guard told me. “She should be eating lunch, at the moment. I believe you know where her private room is?” I nodded and started walking off yet again.

Crabapple paused to thank him, then fell into step behind me. “Is interrupting her meal really a wise decision?” she whispered as she walked. Since I still didn’t want to talk, I just giggled. She sighed and rolled her eyes, hanging her head slightly.

Celestia’s private dining hall thing isn’t that far from the throne room, wisely enough. After all, taking too much time to walk back and forth would be inefficient. When we got there, I just let myself in, pushing the door open wide. She was on the other side, of course, devouring something healthy for once.

“Miss me?” I asked, a smile finally on my face. This room, after all, was bereft of other company, so I wasn’t too worried about my voice.

“More than you can know,” she answered as I let myself in. Crabapple followed at a slower pace, immediately bowing when she got inside. “Who’s this?”

“The leader of the miners we were guarding,” I said. “I figured you’d want to know what the company knew about the spot before you go there to blow it the fuck up.”

“Very thoughtful of you,” Celestia drily answered. “Though I can’t imagine she was overly pleased to leave her family behind.”

“I don’t have a family,” Crabapple said. “Not that I would mind leaving them, if the princess needed my report.”

“And she doesn’t have a job anymore,” I said, walking to the other side of the table and taking a spot. “I figured you might know someone that could help with that.”

“Maybe,” Celestia answered with one of her small smiles. “Please, join us, Ms…?”

“Crabapple,” the old lady said, eying one of the chairs apprehensively. “I ate before coming.”

“And I don’t eat that alfalfa shit,” I said. “That doesn’t mean you can’t sit.”

“You know I can request something more to your liking,” Celestia said, once again looking to me.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be on the menu later,” I said with a wink. She rolled her eyes, since Crabby was still there.

“Princess, do you want that report now, or when you’re… not busy?” Crabapple asked. “I wouldn’t want to disturb you.”

“I very much doubt the report will be disturbing to me,” Celestia answered. “Though Nav’s tale of what he went through might be. Just keep to the basics. What the company knows isn’t honestly very important. But please, sit. Mares our age shouldn’t be forced to stand, you know.”

Crabapple seemed to sag slightly before taking one of the chairs closer to Luna’s side and sitting down. “There isn’t that much to tell, thankfully,” she started with. “Miners Without Borders is, as the name suggests, a company that has mines across several countries. We were looking to expand to a place where we didn’t expect any competition, so we turned our eyes south. First, to the land mass directly under ours. We sent a small scouting team and they never returned, so we decided to try elsewhere, going further south. We sent a small team down to what Navarone calls Antarctica. Within a week of scouting, they found a location rich in very good quality iron, what we later learned was probably steel or something else. We didn’t know there were undead and we didn’t know there were ruins there.”

“...Did your company sell the information to anypony else?” Celestia quietly asked. “Perhaps trying to eliminate or damage a rival?”

“I… could see them doing that,” she said, looking away. “That expedition was damaging to the company. We sank over twenty thousand bits into it and got nothing back. I wouldn’t be surprised if our company sold the location to several other companies to recoup the losses and damage others at the same time.”

“Well, that simply won’t do,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “I’ll be sure to get into contact with the guards in that area and have them speak to the heads of the company. It would be inconvenient to lose more ponies to the undead menace.”

“What… If you don’t mind me asking, what are you going to do with them?” Crabapple asked.

“That depends entirely upon Navarone,” she said. “Or rather, what he tells me about the bunker. Killing undead is easy for trained soldiers, but dealing with the cold is not. And dealing with an undead dragon? It would be much better to quarantine the area and label it on all maps as dangerous than actually eradicating the undead. But as of right now, I have the incomplete story.”

“No promises about that story being helpful,” I said with a shrug. “But I definitely ain’t gonna tell it while you’re eating.”

“Nor would I ask you to. Nav, I trust you still know the way to my chambers?” Oh, I like where this is going.

“You know it.”

“Head there now. I need to speak to some ponies, then I shall join you.”

“I’ll warm myself up for you,” I said, standing.

“We’re going to have a long conversation, I believe,” she said, narrowing her eyes slightly. “So keep your mind focused.” I was already to the door at that point.

“Of course, of course. See you later, Crabby.”

“It’s Crabapple!” she called as I started walking down the hall. Since I was back in the hall, I didn’t reply, not wanting my voice to carry. Surprisingly, though, most of the halls were completely empty. True, the palace was rarely ‘bustling’, but I just couldn’t imagine why there were almost no servants or guards around. I only saw a few on the long way to Celestia’s room, and there wasn’t even anyone right outside of her door.

The doors were unlocked, so I just let myself in. Her anteroom was the same welcoming place it always was, with no new additions. I didn’t stop there, though, instead going straight to her bedroom. It was also the same as it usually was, comfy and warm. There was only a single new addition, a small mirror that hadn’t been there the last time.

I didn’t care what I looked like, so I just tossed my pack to the floor, removed the strange cloak, and fell back onto the bed. “What do you think?” I asked aloud.

“She seemed more stressed than usual,” Flo said. “Less playful, or at least she was around Crabapple. What happened to her sister is taxing her. I imagine the newspapers are trying to find any sign of weakness, so she’s cracking down. Be wary about teasing her, Nav.”

“No promises, especially not if she starts it. But I suppose being more careful is wise. Think I should… get a little more comfortable?”

“No. Her response to the letter said yes, but you should wait for her to tell you she’s ready.”

“Oh, you’re no fun. But fine, I’ll chill. For now. But if she doesn’t put out, you better.”

“I’ll be sure to give myself watery tentacles, just for you,” she sarcastically answered.

“Oh baby, you know I like being violated!” That statement wouldn’t have been nearly as awkward if Celestia hadn’t picked that moment to walk in.

“Am I interrupting?” she asked, levitating her crown and neck bangle off. As she took steps inside, her four shoes stuck to the floor.

“Just practicing,” I said, scooting over and patting the bed next to me.

“I can’t wait to see how good you got,” she answered as she joined me on the bed. “But later. You owe me a story.”

“You want to preemptively cuddle? I know you’ll start hugging me before I get past the first few words.”

“Given the choice, I’d rather just pull the information from your mind. I know it was a painful experience and I’d rather you not have to relive it. And this way, I can get all the information and study everything as it was, which is the reason I need to know in the first place.”

“What do you mean?”

“When dealing with such dark and powerful magic as necromancy, one does not wish to take chances. With that many undead plaguing the area, I know there are a few possible ways they could get there. One is a powerful necromancer, probably drawn by either the solitude or the monstrous darkness that resides within that bunker. Another possibility is that the bunker itself indirectly created the undead. That option is very unlikely, but I need to check on it.”

“Then go for it. That’ll save some time anyway.”

“Indeed. There are still many preparations to be made before the Gala, after all.”

“Oh shit, it’s that time of the year again, isn’t it?”

“It is. You came at just the right time. The Gala will be in a few days.”

Fucking hell, not again. At least I don’t have to go this time. “That sucks. But if it’s coming up, why isn’t anyone in the palace? The place is empty.”

“I gave most of them the day off, ostensibly to let them relax before the Gala. But really, I knew you didn’t want any of them to discover your… condition, so I decided the easiest way to do that would be to remove them from the palace.”

“Awesome. And that means we can be as loud as we want!”

She finally rolled over on top of me, her large furry body pressing against me delightfully. “Indeed. But only after I get the information I need. So ready your mind.” Her horn lit up and she touched it to my forehead.

In an instant, we were both in Flo’s glade. “Welcome,” the watery soul said.

Celestia looked around, a small hint of surprise on her face. “So this is what Luna meant when she said his dreams were strangely calm. Interesting. Are all elemental realms like this?”

“All water hosts have similar areas. I preferred staying on land, so this is how I fashioned my haven. Most are much more wet.”

“Very, very interesting. It’s a shame it took me this long to meet one of you. But small talk will have to wait, I fear. Are you able to show me what I need to see?”

In response, Flo shot a tendril of water at Celestia. It split in two before hitting her head and sank into her ears. Both of her eyes turned blue and her mouth went slack.

“So uh… is she out of it?” I asked.

“For a few moments, yes,” Flo answered. I smiled and started to walk around behind her, but Flo grabbed me with another tendril. “No misbehaving in my glade.”

“It’s not misbehaving if she wants it!”

“Don’t make me give you a spanking, Nav.”

“...Would you please?”

“Ugh.” The tendril of hers holding me sank into my head. The next thing I knew, we were back in the real world, Celestia deeply inhaling and then sagging on top of me, putting most of her weight directly on me.

“I like having you on top, but you’re kinda heavy,” I said, pushing her up slightly.

“Such pain, such suffering,” she whispered, her hooves wrapping around me for a more complete hug. “Such darkness, such misery!” Her hug became tighter, almost painful. “And the spirits… The hateful, piteous spirits…”

Piteous?! After what they did to me?”

“They did unto you because someone else did unto them, Nav. That place must be destroyed as quickly as possible. I shall send somepony to do it immediately.”

“Psh, who? That place is the gateway to hell, and it’s massive. If anyone tried going inside, I don’t imagine they would ever come back out.”

“I know full well who to send.” She finally released me and removed herself from the bed. “Please, wait in the antechamber. This might take a few minutes.”

“Hey, I don’t mind watching you get dressed and powdered up. It’ll just give me more ideas to punish Taya if I ever have to again.”

“There is something I must do, and I must be alone to do it. So please, wait outside.” She grabbed me with magic and pushed me through the door, then closed it behind me.

“What’s that about?” I asked, walking over to one of the more comfortable couches.

“With her, there’s no telling. Maybe she’s writing a letter to send to a dragon?”

“I guess that would be one way to do it. As long as that place gets destroyed, I don’t really care.”

“What happened to sending an elemental to try to glean information?”

“Ask Celestia, not me. I doubt there’s much there, though. You know they refused to help the others, so we couldn’t find much history of what happened after the war. At best, we’d just find some really, really sad tales of life as the place was crumbling down around them. Of course, I say best lightly.”

“True enough. And I doubt we would be able to find much, anyway. The equipment down there seemed to be mostly destroyed. Not to mention, it would still be a risk.”

Before I could reply, Celestia’s door opened and she said, “It’s taken care of. As much as I would really like to stay and… play, there are things I need to take care of. You’re welcome to stay here until tonight, when we can have some time together. Or, if you’re needed on your ship, I can send you a message with Spike when I’m done for the day.”

“I think I’ll just wait in your room, if you don’t mind. With Flo, I can fall asleep whenever I want and do some dream governing.”

“Then you’re welcome to my bed. You needn’t worry about defending yourself; the defenses about the room have been strengthened since the assassins attacked Cadance.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, finally standing up. “You go have fun, now.”

She snorted and started walking to the door. “Unlikely.”

Before she could make it there, I jumped forward and snatched her into a hug, followed by stealing a kiss. She met it with equal fervor for about fifteen seconds, when I pulled away. “I missed you,” I whispered into her ear, still hugging her.

“And I, you, my precious human. I will continue missing you in the hours until we next meet.” Finally, she pushed me away. “Until tonight,” she said with a nod.

“See you then,” I answered, watching her ass sway as she walked away. When she was finally gone, I let myself into her room and then back down on her bed. Before I let Flo put me under, I noticed that her new mirror had moved, not that I paid it much mind.

Several hours later, I was stolen from my life as a dream fighter and forced back into the boring world of everything else fighting. Celestia was back, it seemed, and was staring at me as I opened my eyes. “Kinda creepy there,” I said, sitting up.

“It’s been so long since I got to see you sleep that I wanted a reminder,” she replied with a shrug, using magic to start pulling off her jewelry.

“Like I said, creepy. So, you down to fuck?”

“Not quite yet. First, I want to run a magical diagnostic check on you to see if I can find anything out about the spirit that possessed you. I was told it was still causing you problems.”

“It’s been a few days since I noticed anything happening. I accidentally braided Taya’s hair.”

“I know little about the undead or about ghosts, but maybe I’ll notice something Athena did not.” She stepped in close and shoved her horn at my face again. As soon as it lit up, I lifted my face up and licked it, making her blink. Before she could react, I started sucking on it. “Really?”

“I really, really want to fuck something,” I said around her horn.

“Well, be more patient,” she said, extricating her horn from my mouth. “I’m not able to see anything wrong with you, anyway. Do you want to see the letter Twilight found on you? We weren’t able to translate it.”

“If you weren’t able to, why would I be able to? I don’t speak Necril.”

“Are you just saying that so we can do things sooner?”

“No, of course not. That’s just silly. Let me just get out of these clothes…”

One of her hooves stopped me from standing up. “I had a… slightly different idea, if you don’t mind.”

“...What kind of idea?”

“Well, it has been a very long time since I last had a female… friend.”

I broke in before she could continue. “I’m not a girl. I just happen to have a vagina.”

“Right. That makes you female.” Stop oppressing me! “Twilight has written me a few letters about slumber parties. I was wondering if you would be interested.”

Ugh. “What exactly would that entail?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“Oh, a few fun things. Gossiping. Pillow fights—scantily clad, if you like. Maybe truth or dare. Make overs. Playing dressup. I would say ghost stories, but I think you’d win. And we might… have another guest.”

“None of that sounds anything like fun, unless I can use the truth or dare thing to fuck you.”

She smiled really wide and batted her eyes. “Pretty please?” I sighed and fell back onto the bed, thinking. She did a hoof pump motion, because that was pretty much a sign that she had won.

Until… “On one condition,” I said, having thought up a fun little plan that she probably wouldn’t agree to.

“And what condition is that, my pretty little human?” she asked.

“That Gala’s coming up, you said. I want to fuck you during it.”

“I suppose I can take a break from the proceedings…”

“Oh no, you’ll be there the whole time. I’ll just be invisible.”

When she got it, her eyes went wide. “I… I couldn’t. After what happened with Luna…”

“Then no slumber party,” I said with a shrug.

She bit her lip and looked away. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure. But no slumber party until you say yes. So I take that to mean we’re not having sex tonight?”

“Well… I was never really attracted to other mares…”

“I’m not a girl. I’m a guy that happens to have a vagina. If it helps, you can just close your eyes and pretend.”

“You are not making this easy, Nav.”

“And you’re not telling me what you want, aside from a sleepover. I did that stupid baby shit with you and hated every minute of it. I’m not going to do something like that again without getting something out of it, or without making you do something you hate too. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. I thought you were okay with me having the wrong body, but if not, oh well.”

“It’s not that, it’s just…”

When she didn’t continue, I knocked her hoof away and stood, then pulled her into another kiss. One of my hands went to her ears and started scratching behind one of them, while the other grabbed the hoof that she was reaching up with.

After a few seconds, I pulled away. “Tell me to leave,” I whispered. Before she could answer, I kissed her again. If it worked for Braeburn… “Tell me you don’t want it,” I said when I pulled away again. Before I could kiss her one more time, she used magic to push me back onto the bed. A smile came to my lips, since I figured I got my way, and my hands went down to my pants to pull them off.

“I agree to your terms,” she breathlessly said. “I’ll let you… toy with me during the Gala. The sleepover will begin as soon as I get back.”

God fucking dammit. “Can’t we at least… I don’t know, cuddle first?”

She gave me a very flat stare. “I know you. Cuddling would lead to your fingers in naughty places, which would lead to other things. I’m going to go get our other partier.”

“Oh come on. It’s been a few days since I got any action. You can’t just leave me hanging like this!”

She snorted and said, “At least your transformation hasn’t changed your large… appetite.”

“Nothing changed but what’s between my legs. And on my chest, I guess.”

“Good. I will see you in a few minutes.” Before I could try to get her in bed again, she teleported away.

“So on a scale of yes to no, how much of a mistake did I just make?”

“I’d say a solid yes,” Flo answered. “But just think of all the fun you can have during the Gala!”

“I just have a feeling that no matter what I do, it’ll never make up for the suffering I’m about to go through.”

“She was very quick to accede to it, so I imagine she agrees…”

Every single one of my fears was realized when Celestia’s door slammed open. “Navi!” Cadance yelled, rushing me for a hug. I was too shocked to react, so she hopped on the bed and viciously hugged me as Celestia walked in, making sure to close the door behind her. It only took Cadance a few seconds to realize my body had a new addition, making her pull away and poke my chest. “Nav, what are these?”

“You know how I had cursed stones that changed your gender?” It took about two seconds for it to click, and as soon as it did, she did her best to suppress her giggles. “Yeah, I don’t need this.” I started to stand to leave, but Cadance snatched me up in another hug, finally bursting out into laughter. “Cadance, I swear to god!”

Luckily for her, Celestia stepped in, using magic to pull the giggling pink hussy away from me. “Cadance, this has not been an easy time for poor Nav. I don’t think laughing at his misfortune is a good way to make him feel better.”

“Make her feel better, you mean?” Cadance asked, trying to hide a smirk.

“Fuck this, fuck you, I’m out,” I said, standing. Sadly, Celestia pushed me right back down with magic.

“Cadance, I brought you here because I assumed I could trust you to be more understanding.” Celestia walked over to where I was forced onto the bed and sat next to me, wrapping her wing around me. “Nav is quite displeased about his change. Teasing him will just make it worse.”

“Sitting right here,” I said, trying not to grind my teeth too hard.

Celestia continued anyway. “So I decided it might be best if we had a little sleepover to try to make him feel better.”

Cadance’s eyes instantly lit up. “A sleepover?! I’d love to!” Celestia let the magic holding her go and she shot toward us, wrapping us both in a large hug. “Oh, Nav, you’re gonna ha—Wait, it’s still Nav, right? Did you pick a girlier name?”

“Are you sure it’s not too late to kill myself?” I sighed, not knowing who I was talking to.

Cadance just giggled and continued, “You’re gonna have so much fun! Back when I was in school, I went to a ton of really fun slumber parties. Eeeeeee!” Her horn lit up and she fucking teleported away.

“God, what have you done?” I asked Celestia.

She shrugged and said, “I know the theory. Cadance has the practice. And since she was here for the Gala anyway…”

Before I could refute the point, Cadance teleported back in, a few things held in her magic grip. “Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! But since you’re our host, you can pick what we do first, auntie.” She very carefully set all the things she brought aside, then covered them with my abandoned cloak so I couldn’t see them.

“I’ve already decided to nix any kind of scary stories, because Nav would win, based on… her recent experiences.”

“Really?” I sighed. “You’re going to call me that?”

“It’s a slumber party,” Celestia said, pulling me tighter with her wing for a moment. “You agreed to it, knowing the possible ramifications. So play along.” My body sagged slightly and she nodded, happy that I was going to do it her way. “So I thought we could talk about gossip, first.” She picked me up with magic and set me down on the floor, across from Cadance. She hopped up herself and picked a spot equidistant, forming a triangle of sorts. “So Cadance, how are things in the Crystal Empire?”

“Hold on. Before we begin, Nav has to look the part.”

“And what exactly does that mean?” I asked, dreading the possible answers.

“Take off your clothes, silly!” she said.

“Oooh, yes!” Celestia quickly added. “Let’s see what the infamous Rarity decided to clothe you in under your usual outfit!”

Ugh. Since I did technically agree to it, even if it was possibly under duress, I removed my shirt, showing off the very sexy red bra I was unfortunately wearing (chosen to hopefully get Celestia hot). Cadance’s smile grew when she saw it, making me roll my eyes. When I removed my pants to reveal the very tight naughty-red panties I was wearing, she actually squeed again. That left me with just my bra, the panties, and my socks.

“There, happy?” I asked, trying to put as much misery as possible into my voice.

“You know, red is usually a… sexy color,” Cadance playfully said, her smile turning to a smirk.

“Yeah well, I wasn’t exactly planning on attending a sleepover. Though if you really want, we can make it sexy. Some girls back in my world used to practice kissing at their sleepovers.” That’s… probably not a lie. I think. “They also told all kinds of naughty stories.”

“Well… We can probably do at least one of those,” Celestia said, her eyes still caught on my panties. When I saw her eyes down there, I opened my legs slightly and leaned back. She quickly caught her breath and looked back to Cadance, a small blush on her face. “Now that we’re all prepared, how are things in the Crystal Empire?”

Fuck gossip. I did my absolute best to tune that bullshit out, though they each took every chance they could to drag me into the conversation.

When Celestia finally had enough of gossip, or perhaps when they ran out of things to talk about, they decided to take a very short break so Celestia could use the bathroom. As soon as she was gone, I sighed and fell back onto the floor, rubbing at my face.

Before I could bemoan my fate, Cadance carefully sat on my stomach. “You know, Nav, you’re going to be here all night,” she matter-of-factly said.

“I’m well aware,” I sighed, looking up at her. The smile that had been on her face since she saw me was now gone.

“You can either spend all night hating this, or you can at least try to have fun. I know you don’t want to be doing this and I know you don’t like what happened, but you are doing this and it did happen. So have fun with it when you can.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she just continued. “And if you don’t want to do it for your sake, do it for Celestia’s sake. When was the last time she got a chance to relax and have fun with friends? And I don’t mean sex, I mean clean fun.”

Before I could reply, Celestia walked back in. This wasn’t the normal Celestia we all know and love, no. This was the smoking hot human Celestia that only I ever (biblically) knew. And of course, she wasn’t wearing any clothes, not that I’d trust any fabric to hold back her glorious bosom. “Well, this party just got good,” I said from my position under Cadance.

Celestia grinned and her horn lit up very brightly. That light quickly transferred to Cadance, who immediately lost her balance and fell down on me. Normally, that would be at least slightly upsetting, but since Cadance turned into perhaps one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen, I didn’t have any room to complain.

“Alright, this just isn’t fair,” I said when I got a good look at her. “Luna’s like a delicate and beautiful flower, Celestia’s fucking sexy as hell, and now Cadance is angelically pretty. Are all princesses in this place really just that lucky?”

Cadance blinked a few times before very slowly lifting her hands in front of her, looking at them in shock. “I’m… I’m a human!”

“Yep. And I’m very seriously rethinking my status on going after married girls, especially since you’re already all over me.”

Celestia chuckled and pulled her off me. “Down, girl,” she said. “And what do you mean, it’s not fair? You’re pretty!”

I snorted and said, “Yeah, pretty plain. I’d be called cute at best, though that’s honestly pushing it.”

For better or worse, Cadance got over her shock rather quickly and started smirking again. “Well then, we’ll just have to fix that.” Her horn lit up and she started pulling over one of the boxes she brought in earlier.

“I believe that can wait,” Celestia said.

“Aww, but I wanted to make her really cute!” Cadance said, trying and failing to use puppydog eyes. Gonna need some more training with that human body. But man oh man, would I love to see you trying…

“Well, I don’t think there’s any reason to ruin the makeup by doing this later,” Celestia said, using magic to grab one of her pillows. Before I could ask what she meant, she took it in her hands and slammed it into Cadance. “I believe a pillow fight is in order,” she said with a small smirk.

“I’ll try to watch the horns,” I sarcastically said, rolling over to dodge the swing Celestia was making at me. Before she could recover, I grabbed the pillow and snatched it from her grasp, then jumped up to beat her upside the face with it. She went down, a very surprised look on her face. Before I could even start to celebrate, I felt a pillow spank my ass and then hit my stomach, held by a light blue aura. “Hey, no magic!”

“Well, I don’t know how to walk, so it only seems fair,” Cadance said, attacking Celestia before she could get a pillow to attempt to defend herself.

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing you crawl,” I said, hitting Celestia again as she was trying to get up. “No promises my intentions would be pure, though.”

“Tch, pervert. Though I wonder what Shining Armor would think of this body…” As she was saying that, she was hitting one of Celestia’s arms as she tried to sit up, making the old lady fall right back down.

“I bet he’d—” Celestia interrupted what I was going to say by grabbing my pillow as it was coming down on her and snatching it away, then throwing it at Cadance, who was also about to hit Celestia again. That shocked lovebutt into dropping her pillow, which Celestia then grabbed before it hit the ground and slammed it into me.

“Well, that was quite fun,” Celestia happily said, somehow thinking it was over. Cadance very quickly disabused her of that notion, throwing the pillow right back at her with magic, and throwing me a pillow from the bed while she was at it.

Or maybe she was throwing it at me, but the end result was the same: While Celestia was reeling from Cadance’s throw, I capitalized on her weakness and slapped her upside the face with my new weapon, sending her back to the ground. I sent Cadance a thumbs up. She replied by hitting me in the back with a pillow, knocking me on top of Celestia as she tried to get up.

“I hope you realize, of course, that this means war,” I said, narrowing my eyes slightly.

Cadance giggled and grabbed another pillow from the seemingly endless pile on the bed. “Come at me, sis,” she happily said, her face twisting into a cute little smirk.

And so the battle raged. Boundaries drawn and redrawn, fortresses made and defiled, temporary pacts formed and betrayed. Truly, epics could be written about the war fought that night. But I’m lazy, so I’ll just give a more direct version.

Celestia was the first to bow out. After all, she was old and weary of the world. Also, swinging around those massive boobs was annoying and she was probably tired of me ‘accidentally’ falling into them.

That left the battlefield to me and Cadance. Pillow fighting experience and magic met treelike stamina and professional weapons training. Every thunderous blow traded left red marks on our tender and pale bodies. Every agile dodge sent beautiful flesh jiggling. Every inch gained or lost brought one side closer to ruinous defeat and the other to glorious victory.

Finally, after a long and grueling battle, I had Cadance—who had at some point figured out how to walk—against a wall, holding one pillow and waving it violently in the air to try to keep me back. After being forced to back away several times, I finally used one of my pillows to catch hers as it swung, then tucking it under my arm and wrapping my arm around both of hers, as they tried to free her pillow.

One of my weapons was disabled, but the other wasn’t. I held it high, ready to strike the final blow, but hesitated. “I’ll let you free, with but a single boon,” I said, smiling since my victory was assured.

“What could you possibly want from me, monster?” she asked, still fighting to free her arms and the pillow they held.

“Just a simple kiss, my dear,” I said, tightening my grip around her arms. “That’s not so much to ask, is it?”

“And betray my Shining Armor? Never!”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Such a shame. Then you shall die for your love.” As I started to swing the pillow down, she jerked her arms one last time, catching me off guard and freeing her pillow. She brought it up and slammed it into my face right as mine connected with her head. Both of us went down, because it’s a cartoon world where stuff like that happens.

“Well, that was certainly entertaining,” Celestia said from her position on the bed.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if I had bruises tomorrow,” I sighed, sitting up and rubbing at my head.

“What’s a bruise?” Cadance asked, also sitting up and rubbing at her head.

“If you keep that pretty little body, you’ll find out,” I said as I turned to Celestia. “Or do you feel like healing us?”

“No, no. I think that’s a good way to burn off a lot of your extra energy,” she said. “Now… How about dress up time?”

“You see, you say that, but I really can’t imagine you’d have clothes to fit us,” I said. “I know you put a lot of planning into this, but there’s no way you’d have our measurements.”

For some reason, the smile that came to her lips when I said that was not at all comforting. “While it’s true that I don’t have clothes to fit all of us and that I don’t know any of our measurements, I do happen to know somepony that knows your measurements.” My wings immediately sank, sensing a disturbance in all things good. “If things had been as they should, I would have skipped this part, though that would be rather disappointing. As it is, a certain fashionista has been making you all kinds of outfits, Nav. And when I had Twilight ask about it, she was all too happy to let me borrow them.”

It’s times like these that I wish I had just stayed with the monkeys. As much as I wanted to tell her to fuck off, Cadance’s shark-like grin told me all I needed to know about how willing they’d be to let me skip that part. Still, I knew I had to make the effort. “Can’t we just talk about this?” I asked, putting on what used to be my most winning grin.

To answer me, Cadance grabbed me with magic and pulled me up to her so she could unbutton my bra (when Rarity asked how I wanted it designed, I told her to put a button up front in the middle so they’d be easy to remove). “Am I gonna have to help you remove those, too?” she asked, looking down at my panties.

“Only if you make me beg,” I morosely replied, too depressed at the moment to even try to make it sound sexy.

“Is she always like this?” Cadance asked, turning to Celestia.

“Yes, though she does try to behave herself in public.”

“Says the person who molested me with her hair at a large party!”

“Hey, you both enjoyed it and deserved it!”

“Well, I don’t see you molesting me now.”

“And she’s not going to,” Cadance said, grabbing my legs so she could uncover my poor feet. “You know, your hands and feet are softer than what I was expecting from a soldier…”

“My tree stuff keeps calluses from forming.” And also Flo, but there’s no need to mention that. “Though I don’t know how you’d know about that, since you aren’t used to hands.”

“I don’t know what calluses are,” she said, her predatory eyes moving to my panties. “It’s just that Shining Armor feels so hard sometimes, but your hands are so soft.” She lifted me up with magic and used her hands to steal away the only garment I had left to protect my innocence.

“Is that really necessary?” I asked.

“Hey, we’re all girls here,” Cadance said, putting me back down. “So, where’s all the outfits?”

The expressions on my face and on Celestia’s face had an inverse relationship as she used magic to open her closet and pull out at least ten different outfits. Rarity, what the absolute fuck are you even doing?

“Where oh where should we begin?” Celestia asked, smiling at the look of profound horror upon my face.

“Ooh, let’s find one her little dragon special somepony would like!” Cadance happily said, hopping up to peruse them more easily.

“That won’t be necessary,” I said. “She left a week or two ago.”

“Oh. When’s she gonna get back?” Cadance asked.

“Probably never. I don’t know since I was almost dead and not around at the time.” When I said that ‘never’ part, it clicked with her. As soon as I finished speaking, Cadance was hugging me.

“I’m so sorry!” Cadance said, actually sounding remorseful for some reason.

“As nice as your body feels against mine, I have to say I’m not upset about it,” I said, patting her on the back to prevent my hands from going places they shouldn’t.

“There’s no need to put on a strong face for us, Navi,” Celestia slyly said. “And I bet I know just how to make you feel better. Cadance, how does a full makeover sound?”

“I think it sounds like something that would make any girl feel better after being dumped,” Cadance said as she pulled away from the hug. The frown from her faux pas was replaced once more by a scary grin.

“Oh, but isn’t it always better to give than to receive?” I quickly asked, trying to get away from it. “And wouldn’t that be such a nice gift to give our host?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Celestia breathed from behind me, right before she wrapped her long arms around my shoulders and pulled me back onto her lap. “The night is still young and there are so many outfits to try on… I think we have time to give you a new look to fit each of them!”

If Flo hadn’t been giggling at me, I would have assumed I just fell into a nightmare. As it was, the two of them spent three fucking hours dressing me up in every single outfit they had and painstakingly putting makeup on me to fit each one.

It was hell.

Finally, finally, they ran out of clothes for me to put on. The last one they had me put on was a lolita dress. Not the fake child porn kind of lolita, but the old-fashioned, black, Victorian-style lolita. To fit that, they used a lot of dark makeup in an attempt to make me look gothic or something. I can’t imagine it looked very good with my green hair.

When the two of them were finally done, they took a step back to admire me. “Black isn’t really my color, but I might have to commission a dress like that,” Cadance said as she circled around me to get a look at all sides. “For somber occasions only, of course.”

“I don’t know about that,” Celestia said, nodding and smiling at my suffering. “But it’s certainly nice to look at. Why don’t you do a little curtsy for us, Nav?”

Why don’t you suck my clit? “I think I’ll pass,” I coldly said, turning away. The dress swished annoyingly when I did that, making me grimace.

“Oh, you’re so adorable,” Cadance said, chuckling.

I closed my eyes and started counting to ten, just thinking about all the revenge I was going to get on Celestia when the Gala came. When I hit the magic number, my fists unclenched and I pulled the dress down so I could step out of it. “We’re done, right? Mark that off the list.” Of course, that left me in some very racy lingerie, but at least the dress was finally off.

“Yes, yes, we’re done with that,” Celestia said, using magic to collect the dress and hang it up properly. “Which moves us on to the next part of the night,” she said, sitting down and patting the floor next to her. Cadance happily joined her. I thought for a moment or two before joining her as well. That immediately taught me that sitting down with a thong on isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing in the world if you aren’t used to it, but at least I wasn’t in that dress anymore.

“So what’s next?” Cadance asked.

“Truth or dare,” Celestia said. “I believe the guest of honor should start. So, Nav?”

Finally, a chance of revenge at Cadance. “Truth or dare?” I asked the princess of love.

“Truth,” she merrily answered.

“Describe a typical sex session between you and Shining Armor,” I said, smirking.

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