Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


18. Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

About half a month after the little naga trip, I noticed an aquamarine unicorn following me. Now, I had seen this chick watching me several times, but she usually left it at watching. Of course, I was watched by just about all the ponies in town anyway, so that was hardly surprising. Her eyes seemed a bit too intent for my liking, is all.

But that day, it seemed, she decided to follow me. This went on for about three blocks before I decided to turn down a short alley. I kept walking, looking back occasionally. She stopped at the alley entrance for a bit and watched me a while before continuing on. Maybe it was just me.

It wasn’t. The same thing happened the next day in a different part of town. When I noticed, I started walking out of town. Just a few gradual changes in my path, nothing much, but I made sure I was outside of town. She stopped at the town limits and watched me for a while before turning back.

The same thing happened the next day. And the next. By the fifth day, she was bolder, and followed me wherever I went, until I went into a building.

The sixth day I noticed her following me, I went to town hall. The town hall building itself is round, and there’s a pretty big area around it that is empty of everything, leaving a wheel around it.

I walked around it a few times, slowly speeding up my pace. She wasn’t paying too much attention to my speed. Before long I was right alongside her. “Hello, ma’am,” I said.

She jumped.

“What’s your name?” I asked in a conversational tone.

“L-l-lyra,” she squeaked.

“Lyra… That’s a nice name,” I said. “Your cutie mark is a harp. Do you play?”

She nodded, more comfortable talking about something she was familiar with. “I’m not famous or anything, but I do play. It’s actually a lyre, but that’s pretty close to a harp!”

I smiled. “I’ve always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but I was always more of a piano kinda guy. Shame I never had the coordination for it.” I sighed. “I miss some things from my world. Some of the music is one of them.”

She was silent for a moment. She finally squeaked something again that sounded like she said, “And hands?”

I nodded. “Yeah, not very many of the people here having hands is kind of odd, I admit. Hooves are interesting, of course, but there’s nothing like being able to just reach out and stroke something…” I gently poked her.

She shivered. “May I… Your hands…” She was kind of flustered. I stopped. “Oh, please don’t be offended…” Then she saw my little smile. I held my hands up for her.

I felt her magic take them and pull them around a bit. She tweaked them a few times, flexed them in and out. She was staring with awe. She slowly pulled me closer by my hands, until I was gently rubbing her nose.

She released me with a wide smile and I slowly pulled my hand back. She said, “I don’t suppose you would…” She blushed a little. “Would you like to hear me play?”

Not sure I like where this is going. “In a public setting, certainly. However, the princess has forbidden me from entering any private residence until more ponies accept me. She doesn’t want anyone to think I might be harming someone.” That was a lie, but eh.

She nodded. “I understand. I don’t think Bon-Bon would like an unexpected visitor anyway! If you could just follow me and wait outside for a few minutes, I could grab my lyre and we could go to the park.”

I thought for a moment. Bon-Bon… That would work. “Okay. Just make sure to invite your friend; music should be shared with as many people as possible, in my opinion.”

Her smile grew even wider. “She always tells me the same thing! You’ll have to keep a lookout for any possible gigs for me, friend!” She ran off and I followed, slower. She looked back when she was about fifty feet from me and gasped. She galloped back. “I forgot you were so slow! I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, Lyra. I can be faster when I choose, but it’s a nice day out. Too nice to be hurrying, in my mind.” She smiled before joining me at my side. She led me to a nondescript house and went inside. I knelt down and waited.

A few short minutes later Lyra came bundling out, holding a case in the air with magic. A very light yellow mare followed her out, closing the door behind her. She looked me up and down before giving a little shudder. The ponies here really weren’t used to me, and I suppose some were still afraid even after what Celestia had said.

But they were always relatively polite about it. Lyra introduced us. “Bon-Bon, this is Navarone. Navarone, this is my special somepony Bon-Bon.”

I nodded, smiling. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. Would you like to go to the park to hear Lyra play?”

She nodded stiffly. “I suppose,” she said nervously. I nodded, still smiling.

Lyra clapped a bit, and led the way to a park. She kept up an inane chatter, trying to get her friend to warm up to me. I answered her as I could, not knowing much about the social scene in this place.

Finally, Bon-Bon said, “So Navarone, what did the princess mean when she said you were good at dealing with unicorns?”

Lyra stopped talking. I stopped smiling.

“A few months ago, Twilight was challenged by someone named Trixie,” I said. “Since I pretty much live with Twilight for free, she asked me to go along with her in case she needed help. The competition was set up in a few bouts. Twilight competed against Trixie and lost. I competed against her and won. After a few more bouts, it was resolved as a tie. I assume that’s what Celestia’s talking about.” They both seemed relieved by that.

“And here I was, worried,” Bon-Bon said, sounding relieved. “Even if you do give me a… a bad feeling, you don’t seem dangerous.”

“It’s nice to hear that, Bon-Bon,” I answered. More than enough of these damn horses are afraid of me. Maybe seeing me with a few like this will change their minds.

“So… what exactly are you, anyway?” Bon-Bon asked.

They both seemed to listen rather intently as I explained my species and where I came from, though it seemed hard to believe that they didn’t already know.

When we got to the park, Lyra walked over to a tree that I swear had a groove in it from being sat under. She matched the spot perfectly and started pulling out her instrument. Bon-Bon sat very close to her, watching the minty mare. I sat a few feet away, facing them both.

When she was ready, Lyra began to play. The first song was a beautiful, sorrowful song. It rang a few notes in my mind and for some reason sounded very familiar, but I didn’t know why. When she finished, Bon-Bon was crying lightly, smiling. I was wearing my own little smile.

Lyra looked over at me. “What did you think?” she asked me.

“Beautiful,” I answered. She beamed at me, and began to play much happier songs. We were at the park for an hour or two, until the sun went down. It was a nice day…


I found out just how much booze Applejack was making a few days into winter, when a huge explosion rocked the countryside.

I was with Twilight at the time, talking about an interesting point of logic. As soon as the boom finished echoing, I looked dead at her and said, “I’m right here. This was not my fault.”

“I don’t know,” she sarcastically answered, “you seem really wily. I wouldn’t be surprised if you managed to find a way to be in two places at once.” With that, we set off to find out what the hell happened.

In a typical human and apparently pony reaction, most everyone was staring out at the distance, trying to see whatever happened. Twilight and I were the only ones actually rushing to find out. And of course—as I feared—the trail led to Applejack’s farm.

Now, there were a few good things to be said about this: One, it was winter, so all of the crops were in. Two, no one was in the fields. Three, I couldn’t be logically blamed for it.

Applejack was still rather distraught at it, though. With all the snow on the ground and with no leaves to jump from one tree to another, the fire didn’t spread that far. Stills aren’t that cheap to make, though, and she probably lost a decent investment in the parts it took. I don’t know why she was making that stuff anymore anyway. She didn’t seem to be actually using or selling it, and I kept a very, very close eye on that to make sure.

Thankfully, there was a large group of pegasi already there, getting clouds together to rain the fire out. There wasn’t much for me or Twilight to do by the time we got there.

“Well, I hope you learned a very valuable lesson today,” I told Applejack after we got the fire put out.

“Yeah, build my stills away from trees! You didn’t tell me they could explode!”

“No, the lesson you’re supposed to be learning is that even though I allow you to produce this shit doesn’t mean you should.”

“What, does the actual alcohol itself randomly blow up, too?”

“It is flammable, if the alcohol percentage is high enough, which it is. If someone trips over a lantern where you store it and there’s enough of alcohol there, the explosion will be enough to make this look like a firecracker.”

“I’m done with this stuff. Forget it. I’ll hold onto what I have in case we ever need it, but I’m not making any more.”

“Good girl.” She stuck her tongue out at me.


“Twilight, I’m really not comfortable with being a magic guinea pig,” I said. We were in the library and she was looking at me with predatory eyes.

“Oh come on, Nav! What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could die. Or be turned into a pony permanently. I don’t actually know which of those would be worse.”

“This isn’t a permanent spell. It just lasts a few hours. You’ll be fine!”

I sighed. She grinned, knowing she won, and cast the spell. A purple light arced at me, hit me dead in the chest, diffused around my body, collected in my wings, and shot right back at her. She had the chance to look surprised before it engulfed her in a cloud of purple.

I coughed out a bit of black smoke. “Holy shit,” I rasped. “You okay, Twilight?” The cloud of purple was beginning to dissipate.

“Is that you, Shiny? What happ—” We saw each other at the same time. She looked a hell of a lot smaller and a lot cuter than she used to. Until she saw me, at least. Then her eyes opened as wide as they could, she screamed, reared back, her horn glowed, and I went flying backwards through the closed window. It shattered and sent me tumbling into the town.

I stopped tumbling at the feet of a very confused Applejack. “You alright, Nav?”

“No,” I groaned. It felt like my back was fucked up and I know there was glass in my wings.

“What happened? Is Twilight okay?”

“She fucked a spell up. She was a lot smaller and very confused. Am I bleeding?”

She looked me up and down. “You’ll be fine.” That didn’t answer my question. “Imma go check on Twi.” She galloped up to the door of the library and burst in.

I started picking myself up off the ground, wincing as I did so. The crowd of ponies around me backed away when I stood. I just got thrown out a window by someone they respect a hell of a lot more than me. They probably think I was attacking her.

I spread my wings, trying to feel for any damage. Apparently feathers make good shields for glass. Clothes, however, do not. I heard a loud and familiar gasp behind me. “Nav, what happened?”

“Twilight went crazy, Rarity. Is my back that bad?”

“Well… it’s seen better days. Is Twilight okay?”

“Applejack is checking right now. Can you use your magic to pick any glass out?” She looked disgusted at the question. “It needs to come out or it won’t heal right.” Actually, I don’t know how that would work with healing magic.

“I can… try. Come on to my shop, we’ll get you cleaned up. Now, tell me what happened to Twilight.” She started leading the way to her shop as I explained what happened. “That does sound like her,” she muttered.

“Yeah. Cares nothing for safety. Mine or hers. It’s just like her to defenestrate me for the fun of it.”

She giggled and said, “That’s a word I wouldn’t have expected somepony like you to know.”

“Rarity, you know I’m smart. I’m just uncouth and I don’t care about using the manners I have.”

“I know. You make it easy to forget sometimes.” Rarity can be such a bitch at times. She tends to make up for it, though.

She pushed the door to her boutique open. “Come on in. Try not to bleed on anything.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“How bad does it hurt?”

“I can tell you that it sure don’t feel good.”

We stopped in the kitchen. “Have a seat. I’ll go get some towels and a bucket of water.” I grabbed one of the kitchen seats and sat in it backwards so I didn’t bleed on the wood. Blood stains are pretty hard to remove.

She didn’t take long, thankfully. “It’s a good thing Sweetie Belle left for home yesterday. I would hate for her to see this. Now take your shirt off.”

“I didn’t know you just wanted to get me naked.” I pulled it off and noticed how messed up the back of it looked. She pulled it away with magic. I started feeling pinpricks in my back and heard a few tingles as bits of glass fell to the floor. Occasionally a wet towel would rub over my back, making me flinch.

“This would be much easier if you didn’t jump every time I touched you.”

“I wouldn’t jump every time you touched me if it didn’t hurt like a bitch.”

“Language, Nav… There. I think that’s the last of it. Sit still while I go get a needle and some thread.”

“Oh God, don’t tell me I need stitches!”

“No, no. But your shirt is just ruined! I couldn’t let you keep wearing it like this.” Dammit, Rarity. I sighed in relief as she started walking back into her shop.

She came back quickly and began to work on the shirt. “You need me to clean any of this up?” I asked, flexing my wings a bit.

“No, I can get it all up with magic quickly enough. I wouldn’t want your sensitive paws to get cut up.”

“Thanks for this, Rarity. I don’t know what came over Twilight. She knows I hate getting thrown out windows.”

“She’s done this to you before?”

“No, but she’s smart. She should know that no one likes being thrown out windows.”

“Well, Twilight should know a lot of things that she doesn’t. That pony is so inexperienced with life…” She let out a soft chuckle. “I bet she wouldn’t even know what to do if she developed a crush on somepony.”

“I don’t know if she would be capable of that. The amount of time she spends in study is insane. The only one she could start to crush on is someone that helped her with her studies.”

“Like you, perhaps?” she coyly asked.

“I certainly hope not. She scares me sometimes.” Actually, she scares me a lot. “That would be a match made in hell.”

“If you say so…”

We sat in a bit of silence for a bit before there was a knock at the door. “Want me to get it?” I asked.

“Let a visitor get my door?” she scoffed. “And a bloody one, at that. Stay here, Nav.” She stood and walked out, leaving my shirt behind.

I heard the door open and Applejack’s country twang of an accent say, “Howdy, Rarity. Is Nav still here?”

“Yes he is. What… what happened to Twilight?”

“A spell gone funny, far as I can tell. I hope it ain’t permanent, she’s turned into a filly! Don’t remember a thing of us, neither.”

Rarity was leading AJ into the kitchen. When they got to me, AJ let out a low whistle. “She sure did a number on you! You alright, Nav?”

“Better, now that the glass is gone.” I stood to face them. “The spell isn’t permanent, or at least Twilight didn’t think it was. I told her not to do it, but she doesn’t listen to my advice about stuff like that. Is she still afraid of me, or can I go there to get a new shirt and a shower?”

“You need to see a doctor before anything else, Nav,” Rarity told me. “The way your back is scratched up, you really shouldn’t be walking around!”

“She’s right, sugar cube. You need to get that seen to. But I don’t think Twilight’ll attack you again. You just startled her, is all.”

“She is way too powerful. Who’s looking after her right now?”

“Spike. She recognizes him, even if she isn’t sure why he’s so big. Now c’mon, let’s get you to the doc.”

“Don’t you think we should cover up my cuts first? Ponies might freak out if they saw them.”

“Well… You’re right. Rarity, you have any scrap cloth we could use?”

She looked over to the table at my shirt. “It was a lost cause anyway,” she sighed, magicking it over to me. I wrapped it around my upper body. “You go ahead and take him to the doctor. I’ll clean up this mess and go check on Twilight.”

“See you soon, Rarity!”

“Thanks again.” Off we went to the doc. I’m coming here way too often. I hope this doesn’t become a trend.

Thankfully, after the princess confirmed that I was decent, the doctors actually began to let me in without too many problems. Before, they did their best to get me to visit the vet first, even if they did let me in eventually. Unless I came in with Derpy, as I did that one time. Or was dragged in, as happened with Pinkie.

Anyway, Nurse Redheart led the way to a small room. AJ left me to cool my heels there as she headed back to the library. The doctor didn’t keep me waiting long, at least. “So what seems to be the problem today, Nav?” He was looking at a clipboard or something.

“I’m going to go with these gaping holes in my back that you can see pretty easily,” I commented. I had taken the shirt off when we got here.

He looked up and noticed how fucked up my back was. “Oh. Run through another forest?”

“No, I got thrown out a window. Think you can patch me up?”

“They don’t call me Doctor Feelgood for nothing. I’ll be back in a minute.” He stepped out. Two minutes later he stepped in with a few rolls of gauze and whatnot. “This shouldn’t hurt much.”

“Can you make it just not hurt at all?”

“Yes, I could. Now sit still.” He ran a cleaning pad or something down my back, which stung like fire. “At least all the glass is out.” He began to hum something as he started to roll me up in an impersonation of a mummy. It took me a minute to recognize the theme from “Monster Mash.” I began to hum it with him. When he finished, he said, “There. Most of those are pretty small and should heal up quickly enough. What I rubbed on them should help. If you have any problems, just come on back.”

“You got it, doc. I don’t suppose I get a lollipop for being a good patient?”

“No, you don’t. Head on out, now, and apologize to whoever threw you out the window.”

“I’m hoping it’s the other way around, but either way.” I left the hospital—fuck yeah, pony socialism!—and started back to the library. I knocked on the door, because I really didn’t want filly Twilight to freak out upon seeing me.

Spike answered, looking behind him hesitantly. His eyes lit up when he saw me. “Thank Celestia you’re here! I forgot how much of a pain Twilight was as a filly! Come in, man.”

“Is she going to freak out again?”

“I… don’t think so? I know she threw you through a window, but I think Applejack talked to her.”

“God I hope so.” I entered, to see Twilight surrounded by books. Literally, I mean: She built a book fort around herself and was reading another one. “She doesn’t seem that bad,” I commented.

She looked up at my voice and her eyes went wide. I ripped Spike from the ground and held him in front of me before she could do anything to me; he was relatively resistant to magic.

“You put my pet dragon down!” she demanded, pulling herself from her fort.

Pet dragon? “Are you going to attack me again?” I asked, wielding Spike as a shield.

“Me, attack you? You’re the monster here!”

“That’s a matter of opinion. I was minding my own business when you threw me out the window! That really hurt, you know.”

She humphed. “Serves you right for being a monster. Don’t you want to eat me?”

“Not particularly, no. I mean, if you want to be eaten, I guess I could give it a try. Do you want me to eat you?”

“Well… no. Does that mean you aren’t here to attack me?”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Just because I’m different doesn’t mean I’m evil.”

“Nav, can you put me down?” Spike asked, his arms crossed.

“Can you make sure filly Twilight doesn’t go ape shit on me?”

“Look at her, Nav! She looks more curious than anything, now.”

I moved Spike out of the direct line of sight between me and Twilight. She did look insanely curious, and was hesitantly moving closer to me. I shrugged and set Spike down.

Twilight let off a massive grin. God that’s adorable. “You don’t seem that bad, mister. What’s your name?”

“Navarone. We’ve met, but it’s been a while.”

“I sure don’t remember you.” Man, she really was terrible at social interaction as a filly. “Do you know where Cadance or Shining Armor is? Or my parents? Or the princess?”

“I don’t know Cadance or Shining Armor. I’ve never met your parents, either. The princess is probably in Canterlot. We’re in a small town near there right now.”

She gasped. “I’ve never been outside of Canterlot before! Oh, are the books here that different?”

I looked around the library and finally settled back on her. “You tell me. You’re in the only library in the town, right now. You can read any book you want, here. Just take three down at a time and you’re okay.”

She reared back and clapped her forelegs together, a happy smile on her face. She landed quickly, the smile dropping a bit. “Hey, why do you get to say what I can and can’t read? Are you the librarian?”

“Yes, I am. As long as you don’t make too much noise and don’t make too much of a mess, you can stay here with your pet for as long as you like. I’ll explain the whole thing to your parents when they get here.” Spike gave me a look. I winked at him. He just rolled his eyes.

Twilight was busy giving me the happiest look I think I had seen from a pony in a while. She jumped at me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her instinctively, holding her up. “Thank you mister librarian!” she shouted, hugging me.

“No problem, my dear. Books are there to be read by anypony, after all.” I almost said anyone, but caught myself; no need to risk freaking her out anymore by the grammar change. After a short moment I set her down. She immediately ran back to her book fort and started looking over the titles.

“The mare that was here only let me look at foal books. But now that you’re here…” Her horn glowed and all the books settled back to their section on a low shelf. She trotted around the library, looking for something. “Mister, where are the spell books?”

Oh lord. I led her to where they were. “Take any three, Twilight. Just put them back as you finish. And please don’t cast any spell that might hurt you or anypony else.”

“Yes sir!” She promptly grabbed three large books and dragged them off the shelf. She trotted over to the center of the library where the most light is and began to read.

“Keep an eye on her, Spike,” I told him. He rolled his eyes. I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I grabbed Twilight’s pillow and blanket while I was up there and took them downstairs. “Do you want to get more comfortable, Twilight?” I asked, holding up the pillow.

She looked up from her book and smiled upon seeing me with a pillow. “Yeah! Thanks, mister!” She pulled the pillow from my grasp with weak magic and set it under her. I threw the blanket on top of her. I heard her giggle and saw her horn light up from under it, giving her light. God she’s so adorable. What happened between then and now?

“And you said she was a problem,” I said at Spike, smirking a bit.

“Well, she was. You should have heard her whining when Applejack said she could only read the foal books.” He shook his head. “She sure was a lot easier to put up with back then.”

“Dude, she called you a pet.”

“Well, I might as well have been one, then. Newborn dragons don’t require much care. Feed them once a day and they’re set. We can hardly be hurt and we have just enough magic resistance that it takes a trained unicorn to manipulate us, even at that age.”

“Lucky you. Human babies are helpless when they’re born, and stay that way for a while. There’s a good evolutionary reason for it, but I don’t care enough to explain.”

“Just like I don’t care enough to listen. So, are we just going to leave her there?”

“Well, I’m not planning on leaving her. I don’t want to risk her getting hurt attempting spells she can’t cast just yet.”

He snorted. “This is Twilight we’re talking about. You couldn’t stop her if you tried. And I don’t really think there’s a spell that she can’t cast, other than maybe moving the sun or moon.”

“She uh… she wouldn’t actually try that, would she?” I mean, if Celestia and Luna are faking, Twilight trying to move one of the two might end up with an exploded Twilight.

“No, she respects the princess too much to try it.”

“Good. I’d hate to tell the princess her pupil exploded because she was trying a spell that was too hard.”

“Nav, unicorns don’t explode when they try too hard. They just can’t cast the spell.”

“Well that’s boring. So what do you want to do for a few hours until Twilight gets better?”

“Psh. I’m out, dude. See you later.” With that, he left.

“I hate babysitting,” I muttered.

“Then it’s a good thing there aren’t any babies here!” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of somewhere she shouldn’t have been able to be. She still scares the hell out of me when she does that.

“Pinkie, this is a library. No shouting.”

“Nav… This place never has any customers. I’ve seen three ponies check out books in this place, and I come in here to watch you sleep a lot.”

“That’s really creepy.”

“I know! I mean, why do we even have a library if no pony uses it? Doctor Whooves is the only pony I’ve seen come in here more than once. Now, where’s filly Twilight? I bet she’s so cute!”

I pointed to the blanket. “She’s not going to recognize you, though. It’s best to just l—”

Pinkie whipped the blanket off with a massive grin. She promptly went flying out the window that was still broken from me flying out it earlier. Twilight seemed to be having a panic attack.

I got down next to her as Pinkie jumped back inside. “That was so cool! Do it again, do it again!”

That just made Twilight freak out even more. I wrapped her in my arms, “Shh, Twilight. It’s okay. That’s just Pinkie.” Pinkie popped up right next to us, grinning like mad at Twilight.

“What’s wrong?” she said in a voice that was way too loud.

Twilight let off an adorable sound and huddled in my arms even more. I wrapped my wings around her to block Pinkie off, then pulled my head up. “Pinkie, Twilight is not good in social situations. You remember how she was when she first got here? She was worse as a filly. You’re scaring her.”

“P-shaw! She just needs a party!”

“No. She doesn’t. She needs to be left alone until the spell wears off. Get out, and tell the others not to visit either, unless they promise to leave her alone.”


“Out, Pinkie.”

She gave an overly theatrical sigh that did nothing to move me. She slowly walked to the door and looked back with sad eyes until I was able to glare at her hard enough for her to get the message.

When she finally left, I lifted my wings. “She’s gone, Twilight. It’s okay now.”

She slowly poked her head out of my arms and gave a quick look around. When she was sure that no one was lurking, waiting to try to talk to her, she let me go. I released her and stood back up.

“Wow mister, you sure are tall.”

“Not as tall as Celestia, though. Have you met her?”

Twilight nodded her head. “Yeah, I’m her personal student! I’m going to be the best unicorn ever!”

“With as much as you seem to enjoy reading, it certainly seems that you might. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Just like that, her entire panic attack was over. She went back to reading, quick as you please. The blanket wasn’t completely over her, but she did wrap it around herself.

Pinkie was right, though. The library never did get used by just about anyone. Twilight kept records, and there were around fifty books checked out since I got here. Half were from Cheerilee, the town’s teacher. A few were from some stallion named Doctor Whooves, who never seemed to visit while I was here or awake. Derpy checked out a lot of really high level science stuff. Anatomy, physics, math, chemistry, all that good stuff—what little of it the ponies had, at least. Rainbow Dash checked out several crappy fiction books—I tried reading through some of the boring shit she checked out and I just gave up. Fluttershy got a few on animal anatomy. A few others came in and got some on gardening. That’s it.

Although I will happily admit that everyone that came in looking for something was able to find it very easily.

Since there was never any real work to be done involving the library other than cleaning, I busied myself with catching up on my journals. I was right here when there was a knock at the door.

I opened it to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, each wearing a massive smile. “Are you going to bother her?”

“Of course not, Nav!” Rainbow Dash said. “We wouldn’t do that.”

I swung my head to Fluttershy, who was still wearing a smile. She saw my dead eyes. Her smile slowly disappeared. She gulped and said, “W-w-well, we might say hi.”

“You can look at her, but don’t stare. Don’t talk to her. She’ll freak out and I’ll have to hold her again until you leave. Do we have an understanding?”

The both nodded. I let them in.

Color me surprised, but they both held to it. They did stare just a little bit, but Twilight was too absorbed by the book to notice. When they got done pretending to look around the library, they came back to me and let out some very quiet ‘squees.’

“She’s so cute!” Fluttershy whispered, glancing at Twilight occasionally.

“And she panics easily,” I said. “Go on now, you two. I got this covered.”

They both giggled and left, looking back a few times.

“You have weird friends, mister. I don’t think they’ve ever seen a filly before.”

“Yeah, they are weird. Doesn’t change that they’re my friends.” She didn’t even look up from her book.

Silence returned, aside from the sound of my quill scratching at the page and Twilight occasionally flipping a page with magic. I finished the journal thing and started working on instructions for all sorts of stuff. Bombs, weapons, generators, alcohol, drugs, anything I thought the ponies might one day need. I was planning on giving them all to Celestia when I couldn’t think of anything else to add.

If she was as wise as I thought she was, she would burn them without even looking at them.

Nearly an hour later Twilight finally said something. “I feel… funny.”

I looked up. “Good funny or bad funny?”

“I… don’t… know?” With each word, her voice changed. She was back to herself on the last one.

“About time,” I said. I returned to what I was writing.

“I was a filly!” she exclaimed, looking at herself wildly. “How did the spell hit me?”

I looked up. “Fuck if I know. It hit my body, spread out, stopped at my wings, and shot right back at you. Then you freaked out and threw me through a window.”

“I remember that, but… how?” Yeah, don’t even apologize for attacking me.

“Magic, that’s how. I don’t think a filly version of you could pick me up to throw me like that.”

“No! How did the spell do that?”

“It’s a simple telekinesis spell. How do you not know how that works?”


“Sheesh, calm down. Do I need to put you in timeout?”

“Don’t make me throw you back out that window!”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s already broken.” I stopped. She opened her mouth. “Because you threw me out it.” She closed her mouth. After a moment she opened it again. “And broke it with my back. You know, glass and blood everywhere.”

“Are you done?”

“It hurt pretty badly, too. Ruined a good shirt. Scared the piss out of some of the ponies outside. They thought I finally turned violent.”

“Now, can we get back to discussing the spell?” Fuck you too, Twilight.

“I don’t know what there is to discuss. You cast it. It hit me. It was rejected. It hit you. You turned into the most adorable filly I’ve ever seen that also happened to have a penchant for throwing innocent humans out windows.” And not so innocent ponies.

She blushed a bit at that. “You thought I was adorable?”

“Yeah. Your friends did too.”

“I remember them coming by. And I remember… you holding me. Protecting me from the pink demon.” That’s fitting, for Pinkie.

“So are you done with spell testing for today?”

She was silent for a moment, just looking at me. “I’m sorry for throwing you out the window, Nav. I know you’re not a monster, even if filly-me thought you were.”

“I got better. No worries. So. What now?”

She was silent again until she finally said, “I guess we should figure out why the spell didn’t work on you. You said it stopped at your wings?”

“Yeah. My guess is that it read all of my capabilities and body parts and it saw that I had something I have now that I didn’t have as a kid, and figured that it couldn’t make me younger.”

“That’s what I was thinking. The other possibility is that you didn’t exist in a world that had magic as a colt, and thus the spell didn’t have any reference frame for what you looked like. Either one seems possible.”

“Or it could just be a spell that isn’t intended to be used on someone else. Are you sure you read the book correctly?”

“This didn’t come from a book. This is one of the innate powers I seem to be getting. I’m almost positive it’s supposed to be used on somepony else.”

“Try one of the girls. They’re all from here. I suggest Pinkie Pie; she’ll be the easiest to keep in line as a filly.” Pinkie’s childhood life was very, very depressing. Apparently she didn’t know what a smile was until she got her cutie mark. She would be easy to handle.

“I suppose I owe her an apology anyway. She always likes testing spells like this. I can do both at once!” She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark. “It’ll just have to be tomorrow. And I’m afraid you shouldn’t be anywhere near, just in case she reacts like I did.”

“Fair enough. I’m sure I can find something else to do.”

She looked down at the pile of stuff she had. “I suppose I should pick this mess up.” With a sigh, she got to it.

Such is life in Ponyville.



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