Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

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19. Chapter Fourteen and a Half

The first Christmas I had in Equestria was spent alone. The girls and Spike went to a play or something and Twilight left me behind because she figured it would be a good way to prove to the townsponies that I wouldn’t go apeshit and attack them without guidance.

I’m not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been in Equestria for a few months at that time, but it didn’t strike me until then how truly alone I was. No family. The only friends I had were around me because they felt guilty or because they were helping Twilight. Ponies don’t even celebrate fucking Christmas; they have some bullshit holiday called Hearth’s Warming Eve where they celebrate the false start of Equestria. Twilight told me the story and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I found an extremely old history book that completely contradicted what she told me.

The real founding of Equestria had something to do with an insane mage and a near infinite winter. I had no idea what the fuck it was talking about because it went deep into magic theory and some parts of it were indecipherable, but I think that was closer to the truth than Twilight’s story.

But this isn’t the tale of my first Christmas, or of the founding of Equestria—though don’t tell Pinkie that, because she might correct you. No, this is the tale of how I accidentally became Santa on my second Christmas.

It started, as all good stories do, with too much alcohol. “Fuck Christmas,” I sighed, laying back on Rainbow Dash. We were drinking on top of a cloud. Was it a good idea? No. Did we care? We were drunk; take a guess.

“What the buck is Christmas?” she asked, passing the spiked eggnog to me.

“Human version of Hearth’s Warming Eve. It involves just as many lies but more free stuff.”

Her ears perked up at that. “Free stuff, eh? What’s that about?”

I waved a hand, incidentally brushing several snowflakes away from hitting me. “Long story short, some fat fuck called Santa gives presents to all the good children while all the bad children get coal. He flies around on a carriage pulled by flying reindeer, lands on roofs, goes down the chimney, and drops presents off. Of course, it’s just a—”

“That sounds super-duper fun!” Pinkie shouted at us, her head pushing up from the cloud we were lying on.

We both looked at her in horror. We were at least fifty yards in the air. “Where the hay did you come from?” Dash asked.

“I’m in my flying machine!” Pinkie answered.

Her flying machine has a rotor on it. Dash and I had time to share a look of pure terror before our cloud was destroyed, sending us falling to the ground. She caught herself much faster than I did, and I almost hit the fucking ground before my inebriated mind could turn my wings on to catch myself. Rainbow and Pinkie followed me to the ground.

“Let’s do it, Nav!” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of her machine and giving herself a mane cut since the rotors were still spinning.

“Do what?” I asked, trying not to puke my guts out from falling so far while drunk.

“Christmas! Just think of all the smiles we’d spread!”

I looked over at Dash. “Do I need to explain to you why my answer is no?”

She smirked. “Come on, Nav! As mopey as you’ve been, doesn’t this sound fun to you?”

“Now that you mention it… No. It doesn’t. We don’t have a sleigh, we don’t have reindeer, we don’t have a fat fucker, we don’t have presents, and we don’t have a jolly red suit with a furry red cap.”

“But we can GET all of those!” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in joy. “Hearth’s Warming Eve isn’t for another few days. That’s plenty of time!”

I crossed my arms. “We don’t have a way to get down chimneys. We don’t have a list of who’s been naughty or nice. Hell, I don’t even have a list of all the kids in Ponyville. And discounting all of what we don’t have, Santa isn’t real anyway. It’s just a story. What really happens is—”

“What are you three talking about?” Rarity asked, walking over to our little group. “It certainly sounds interesting.”

Pinkie stopped jumping in my face and started jumping in Rarity’s face instead. “Nav’s gonna become huge and fat and jolly and red and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while on a magical sleigh pulled by reindeer!”

“Pinkie dear, do you remember the conversation we had about having too much sugar?”

Pinkie scoffed, waving a hoof. “I’ve only had seven cupcakes today, Rarity.” How do you not have fucking diabetes? “Nav was just telling us all about it!”

“No, I was telling you how all of what I told you was a story made up by parents. There is not a fat fucker that rides a sleigh and gives presents to people. That would involve magic, and since there is no magic in my world that means it’s impossible.”

“What’s this about presents?” Twilight asked, walking up.

I crossed my arms and shouted, “Fluttershy, Applejack, you can come out now!”

A few seconds later we saw the two of them trotting up. “What’re you shouting about, Nav?” Applejack asked. “I was just on my way to the market, going to pass this way.”

Fluttershy quietly said, “And I’m coming from the market, passing this way.” She had a few bulging bags.

“Yeah. Right. Anyway, as I was saying—”

“What were you saying?” Applejack asked.

I glared at her. “If you’ll let me talk—”

Pinkie took a deep breath and I just face-palmed as she burst out, “Nav’s gonna become fat and jolly and red and old and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while jumping down into chimneys from a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer.”

Fluttershy and Applejack looked at each other and shrugged. AJ said, “Makes sense. You need any help? I think I got an old sleigh or something like it at the barn.”

“No!” I quickly said. “I’m not doing what Pinkie just said.”

“And I can make you a nice suit,” Rarity said, tapping her chin with a hoof and looking me up and down. “A fat suit might be a little much, though.”

“I CAN GET PRESENTS!” Pinkie shouted, eager to contribute somehow.

Dash grabbed Fluttershy and pulled her over with an arm around her shoulder. “Fluttershy and I can fly you!”

I crossed my arms yet again. “I still can’t fit down chimneys. Nor do I have the address of all the fillies and colts in Ponyville.”

Twilight spoke up. “I can teleport you, Nav. As long as we only stick to Ponyville, it shouldn’t be that hard. And for a chance to study more human culture… It’s worth it.”

I gently massaged my temples, my alcohol addled mind not taking this well. “Okay, let me put it this way: I’m not doing it.”

I was immediately confronted with Pinkie’s very, very sad face. “But Nav, think of all the little fillies and colts without Christmas presents!”

“Pinkie, I’m obviously too think to drunk. That’s how I got into this position, after all. Again, if you’ll let me explain—”

“Come on, Nav!” Dash said, standing on her hind legs and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. She waved her other hoof wide in front of us. “Just think about the stories they’ll tell about me flying Santa’s sleigh!”

I looked over at her. “Really?” I sighed. “That’s your attempt to get me to go with this?”

“Hey, Fluttershy’ll be there too!” she shouted, letting me go and falling back to all fours.

“Yes, and I’m sure she isn’t interested at all,” I said, looking at her.

She, however, had a different story. “It sounds really kind, Nav. Giving presents to everypony, I mean. I think it would be good for you.”

I gave her my most disappointed look. She answered with a sheepish smile, somehow making a little squee sound.

“So it’s settled,” Twilight said, taking charge. “Nav will act as Santa come Hearth’s Warming Eve. Pinkie, you get together a list of all the colts and fillies and foals and find their addresses if possible. Applejack, you paint your sleigh in Hearth’s Warming colors. Fluttershy and Rainbow, you go with Applejack and get some practice flying in sync with a sleigh. Rarity, you make a red suit for Nav. I’ll check with Princess Celestia to get permission in case anypony calls the guards on Nav.”

There was a chorus of affirmations as the group quickly disappeared, leaving me alone next to a flying machine, wondering what the fuck just happened.

I had a bad feeling, either way.

A few days later I was sitting in the back of a sleigh at Applejack’s barn, wondering why I had to open my big fucking mouth. Since Pinkie spent hours staring at me and begging me for more stories, Rainbow Dash had a shiny red nose and both Dash and Fluttershy had fake antlers. My suit was very close to the typical Santa suit. It was just missing about two hundred or so pounds of fat inside of it. Twilight was wearing a frankly adorable little green elf suit that fit her long ears very wonderfully. Pinkie was loading a large bag full of presents onto the sleigh. I told her how to wrap them.

“So why am I doing this again?” I wearily asked.

Twilight giggled and answered, “Because you’re too easy to push around.”

Fuck me. “Are you all ready?” I asked, eyeing the reigns.

Rainbow Dash had been stretching, giving me rather unwanted views of her lady parts. When I asked that she stood at some form of attention. “Yep! Just give the word, Nav.”

Fluttershy had been more subdued and careful with her stretches. “Whenever you’re ready,” she whispered.

“We’re all good in the back!” Pinkie yelled, jumping around making absolutely sure everything was good.

“I’m ready,” Twilight said with a nod.

I shrugged. “Then let’s do this. Normally Santa does this long chant to get us going, but since we only have two ponies, let’s do this.”

“Ah ah ah!” Twilight said before I could flick the reigns. “This is a human cultural event, Navarone. We have to do it by the book.” Everyone turned and looked at her, giving her a ‘what the fuck’ look.

I looked back to Dash. “Go.”

She bent down to take off, but Rarity screamed, “WAIIIIT!” Everybody froze as she trotted over to me and narrowed her eyes at a part of my costume. She reached a hoof out and pulled a string off me. “Loose string,” she said with a smile, backing away. “You can continue.”

I looked back to Dash to tell her to go, but Twilight kicked my shin. “Do the chant, Nav!” she whined.

“Well shoot,” Applejack said, stepping forward. “You got me interested now. Might as well go through with it.”

I sighed, my wings sagging. “A prelude, first: These are the names of the reindeer Santa uses. Here’s the chant: Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!” Fluttershy and Dash were looking at me strangely. “That means go,” I sighed.

Dash grinned and started running forward, dragging Fluttershy along for a second before she picked up the running spirit. After a few meters, they started flapping their wings, slowly pulling us into the air.

As Twilight told me before, we wouldn’t be able to actually land on the rooftops because none of them were big enough runways to fly off. So the two would fly over houses and circle around them while Twilight teleported me inside. I’d drop the gift off as quickly and quietly as possible and hope to high heaven no one was awake in the room I teleported to.

Our first stop was Sweetie Belle, who was staying with Rarity. Since we knew she was asleep—or, according to Rarity, “If she isn’t asleep I’ll make sure she never stays up past eight again!”—we didn’t think she would be any problem.

She wasn’t. We dropped off her new microphone very easily. Scootaloo was also not a problem, and received her new scooter wheels with a smile on her sleepy face.

Diamond Tiara got coal. But since Pinkie didn’t want a frown on anypony’s face, she also got a hoof-made tiara from Rarity. Silver Spoon also got coal, but she also get a set of silver spoons from… somewhere.

Featherweight got some new lenses for his camera. Pipsqueak got a Luna doll. Pound and Pumpkin got some assorted baby toys. I have no idea what Snails got, but it was book shaped—it was news to me if that retard knew how to read. Snips got a hair grooming kit. I want to say Twist got a way to cure her terrible lisp, but instead she got a fuckton of candy. Spike got a massive gem.

When I was teleported into Derpy’s house to drop Dinky’s gift off, I heard a very feminine scream. I swung around, my hands raised as I backed away. Derpy immediately calmed down when she saw me. “Oh hi Nav! Want some cookies and milk?”

“What the fu—Sure.” She gave me a plate with some cookies on it.

“I don’t know why, but I just had the urge to bake cookies tonight. I was about to set them out on the table for Dinky in the morning, but then you showed up!”

“Huh. And the milk?” She had a glass of that out as well.

She shrugged. “I was going to leave that out too.”

“And it wouldn’t go bad?” She gave me her signature derp look of ‘I don’t even know what’s going on right now.’ I shrugged and said, “Thanks for the cookies, Derpy. Here, give this to Dinky tomorrow.”

“Okay Nav!” I teleported away as I set the gift on the table.

I passed Twilight a cookie as we flew off to our next mark. “What’s with the cookie?” she asked as she nibbled.

“Derpy,” was my only answer. A light of recognition went off in her eyes and she didn’t ask anything else.

And so the night went. Derpy was the only one that was awake when I teleported in. I think there were upwards of thirty or forty kids that we delivered things to before we made our final stop off at Applejack’s farm. I was teleported into Apple Bloom’s room and dropped off her new tiny toolset.

The deal was that they would land while I went out the window or front door, so that’s what I did. I quietly creaked the window open and jumped out, standing on the roof while I closed her window quietly. Then I flew over to where they were waiting on me.

Rainbow Dash was already uncoupled from the sleigh and was helping Fluttershy get out of her harness. Twilight was checking and rechecking her list of presents and ponies. Applejack was checking over the sleigh and making sure it was alright. Rarity was fussing over Twilight’s outfit. Pinkie was jumping around asking the three of them how it went.

Fluttershy managed to get unstuck the moment I landed, falling ass first into a snowdrift. Dash and I hauled her out.

“Sleigh’s alright,” AJ said, walking to the main group.

“And everypony’s accounted for,” Twilight added, stepping down from the sleigh.

“And your outfits are RUINED!” Rarity whined, being her typical overdramatic self.

“Are all the little fillies and colts going to smile tomorrow?” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in my face.

I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. They better, after I got drafted into this shit. Now, I’m going to bed.”

“Not just yet you’re not,” Twilight told me, grinning. “There’s one more present left.”

I crossed my arms. “This is very, very cliché,” I broke in. “The next words out of your mouth are going to be, ‘We all know how much you really didn’t want to do this, so we got together and decided you should be rewarded!’ And then you’re going to give me something and I’m going to smile and say thank you and you’re going to spout out some Aesop and get Spike to send a letter when he wakes up.”

They all shared looks before Twilight said, flabbergasted, “How did you do that?”

“My grandmother liked Hallmark movies. What did you get me?”

Pinkie produced a small box out of nowhere and passed it to me. I tore the paper off—because that’s how you’re fucking supposed to open a present, grandmothers everywhere. When I opened the box up, I found a very fancy picture frame that had a group picture of me, the girls, and Spike.

I couldn’t help a smile, even though I knew it was extremely cheesy. “Since you ruined my line,” Twilight said, “let me remind you that you are included and that you are one of our friends. You may not be on Earth among others like you, but that doesn’t mean you have to be alone, Nav. You have friends that like you and ponies that you can make smile.”

I nodded, my smile growing. “I guess so, Twilight.”

I was going to continue, but Pinkie jumped in. “GROUP HUG ON NAV!” I was quickly surrounded by warm and fluffy ponies wrapping their forelegs around me and each other.

So what if I don’t have family? Maybe I can make do with what I do have.

 
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