Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


52. Chapter Forty—Fruits and Poultry

I got back from that week of exploring feeling particularly exhausted: I had been in there for several days, and ever since I got back in that place, I had felt a perpetual sense of being watched. Even more so than usual, that is. I also had a pack full of new fruits for Applejack, which I dropped off as soon as I got out.

“Thanks a lot, Nav!” Applejack said. “Now, you’re sure these are all safe for ponies to eat?”

I shrugged. “I saw animals eating all of them. If something was eating them, they probably won’t hurt you. As to the taste, though… Fuck all if I know.” She looked at the odd fruits dubiously.

“I don’t reckon you’d mind hanging around for a little bit while I taste test them, would you?”

“I don’t have anything planned. Go ahead.”

After a moment’s hesitation, she picked out a spiny little yellow sphere. “Do I just bite into this?”

“I think so. I’m pretty sure that’s what I remember seeing those squirrels doing.”

She did so. Her eyes immediately started watering and she started gagging like crazy.

“That bad?” I asked.

She shook her head, trying to get control. I offered her a canteen, which she took with a nod and quickly emptied it. “Sour!” she finally breathed out. I picked the fruit up off the ground and sniffed the inside.

“Oh, it’s a lemon! Or something like a lemon, at least. Odd to find a citrus fruit growing up here, but that’s hardly the strangest thing I’ve seen in there.”

She gave me a confused look before even more hesitantly going to the next fruit I had brought her. It was a large green sphere.

“Now this one you want to crack open,” I told her. “I saw some birds knocking it from a tree and letting it break against the ground.”

She put it down and stepped on it.

“Or you could do that, yeah.” She grabbed a bit of it and took a small bite.

Her eyes lit up. “Sweet tarnations! It’s a melon!” She ate her piece down to the rind.

I grabbed a bit of it and rubbed the dirt off. I tasted a piece. “Cantaloupe,” I confirmed. “You start growing this stuff, you could probably make a fortune.”

She scooped the seeds and the mush from the center of the melon into a bucket. “We’ll see about planting some of them, then. Now, what about this one?” she asked, pulling out the third of the four fruits I brought her. This one was roughly banana shaped and pink.

“This one is a bit of a mystery to me. I saw several creatures eating them, but they all fled not long after doing so. As many things as were eating it, I know it isn’t dangerous, but I’m not certain you should eat it without a doctor nearby.”

“I’ll be fine, Nav. The other two didn’t give me any problems, other than a bit of a sour attack. Now how do I eat this?”

“Just bite into it. I thought you would need to peel it, but I’m pretty sure you don’t. There is a big seed in the middle, so be careful about that. I grabbed more from fruits dropped around the main tree, in case you decided to grow them.”

Without a hesitation, she bit into it. She chewed for a second and then looked down at it funny. “It don’t taste like anything. Like…” she stopped and slowly shifted her gaze to me. After a moment, her pupils constricted heavily, leaving the green in her eyes almost completely in control. “You smell like…”

“Applejack? Are you okay?” I asked, somewhat worried.

Before I could react, she threw me to the ground and jumped on top of me. I have no idea at all how she did it. I opened my mouth to yell out but she covered it with hers. What the fuck! Holy shit, Applejack is kissing me.

I got over my surprise and pushed her away with as much force as I could give. As soon as I got her away from me, I saw her face switch from euphoria to fury. She did everything she could to get my arms away from her so she could get back in at me. I started screaming for help—there are a few ponies I would be willing to risk fighting like this with; Applejack was not one of them. She was very strong and very tough.

Big Macintosh came running up to us just as Applejack was finally able to force herself back onto me. I knew if I wasn’t wearing a belt, there would be a pretty good chance he would have found us in a very different position.

He pulled her off me with no effort at all. She struggled like a wildcat. I pushed myself away from the two of them. I couldn’t tell if Applejack was more concerned with breaking away from Macintosh or getting back at me. I struggled to catch my breath while he tried to get some manner of answer from her.

He had been questioning her for a minute before I finally trusted my feet again and was able to stand up. He looked to me. “I have no idea,” I answered to his look. “She was eating a fruit from the Everfree forest and went rapist on me. How long do you think you can hold her?”

“I can hold her like this for hours. You are going to go find a cure so I don’t have to.”

I looked at Applejack’s eyes. They met mine and I saw a deep-seated lust in them that scared me. “Yeah,” I said. “That seems like a good idea. Zecora should know what to do. I don’t suppose you could send Applebloom to get Twilight?”

“She ain’t here,” he said. I suppose she was in school or with her friends.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I said, and took off. I made it to Zecora’s house in fifteen minutes with what was left of the fruit in my hand.

As soon as she opened the door, her eyes went to the fruit. She face-hoofed before I could even explain myself. “Yeah, thanks for that,” I said. “Can you fix her?”

“I can fix your distress, so the answer is yes.” Fucking rhymes. She turned and went back to grab some stuff. I stood in her doorway, wishing she would hurry up. She was coming back to the door when I started hearing branches breaking behind me. I said a silent prayer and turned to face whatever it was.

Applejack came bounding out of the forest like a fucking tiger and hit me so hard that when we slammed into Zecora’s house, she actually broke one of my wings. We bounced off and I landed on top, despite being in intense pain. I didn’t stay there long, as she quickly spun us over. She threw my arms aside and pinned them down with her front hooves. She wore the most predatory grin I have ever seen a pony have. “You’re mine, now!” she growled, her face quickly coming back down to mine. Her back legs started pawing at my pants, working to get them down. I was still in shock from the pain in my wing.

Zecora calmly exited her house and saw us—not like you could miss us, after we hit her house so hard that we left a permanent indentation. She slowly pulled a pouch open and poured a bit of powder onto one of her hooves. That done, she used her other hoof to pull Applejack’s head off mine and gently blew the powder into Applejack’s face.

Applejack’s eyes very slowly dilated back to normal. I felt the efforts of her back legs start to slow down until they eventually stopped entirely. When she stopped moving, Zecora let her head go and Applejack’s entire body sagged against mine, more than doubling the weight on my now-broken wing. I pushed her off me and weakly rolled over and slowly pushed myself to a kneeling position.

“How do you fare? Do you need care?” Zecora finally asked, seeing one of my wings hanging at an unnatural angle.

“I can’t feel my right wing,” I answered. “I think it’s busted.” I used the wall to brace myself as I got to my feet. “What about Applejack? Is she okay?”

“Her harm is quite moot. Just avoid that fruit.”

“What was it?”

She grimaced slightly. “The forest houses animals that yowl and hiss. One such animal is the deadly cockatrice. That fruit encourages such an odd change, and its effects have an infinite range.” Naturally occurring love fruit that gives whatever eats it fertility with whatever attracted it. Nasty.

“How long will she be asleep?”

“Her slumber should not be too long. However, she will soon yearn dong.”

Did she really just… “...What?”

“I will explain once again, if I must. When she awakens, she will feel much lust."

Sometimes I really wonder about Zecora. “I can’t exactly carry her back…” I mused. Thankfully, I heard another bustling coming through the trees a second after. My suspicions were confirmed when Big Macintosh came trotting into view.

“She tricked me,” is all he said.

“Well, she’s better now,” I said. We all looked at her sleeping form. “Well, better than she was. Think you can carry her back?”

“Eeyup.” He gently threw her over his shoulders.

“Thanks again, Zecora,” I said. “Sorry about your house…”

She waved us away and we cautiously headed back. I left the two of them at the farm and starting heading back to Ponyville. Thankfully, I ran into Rainbow Dash just on the outskirts of town, practicing some stunts or something. I sent her back to the farm. As soon as she got out of sight I couldn’t help but smile, even with the pain I could still feel in my wing.

It felt good to be back.

Until I got to the library, at least. “What in Celestia’s name happened to you?” Twilight gasped when she saw me. I was pretty fucked up at that point: Right wing hanging at an awkward angle, clothes torn and muddied, hair greasy and nasty, and a few bruises were probably appearing on my face.

“I found out why no one experiments with fruit from the jungle. I don’t suppose you could deal with this?” I asked, pointing over my shoulder to my wing.

“I can… try, I suppose. But I have to set the bone before I can treat it.” She checked the shelves for something. “Lie on the floor, will you?” She kept looking. “SPIKE!”

Spike and Taya came scurrying in from different parts of the library. Both gasped in horror upon seeing me. “What happened to you, man?” Spike asked, stopping. I was just getting into a sitting position at that point.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered. I gently lowered myself to my stomach and wearily put my head down. Taya cantered over and laid right in front of my head, and used her magic to gently move my head to her side, giving me a pillow of sorts. “You might not want to be there when Twilight sets my wing,” I told her, closing my eyes. “I might react negatively.”

“I’ll be fine,” she whispered.

“Here it is, Twilight!” I heard Spike saying. “‘A Foal’s Guide to Field Dressing Basic Pegasus Wounds.’ Are you sure this really applies?”

“No, but it’s what we have. Now, let’s see here…” She looked through it for a bit. “Spike, go find a nice thick stick.” He ran off. I heard a book gently set down on a pedestal. “So Navarone, what did you find for me this time?” she asked me.

“A few abandoned buildings. Several more fruits and plants. A few more animal specimens. I don’t suppose you could hurry this up? The only reason I’m still able to form coherent thoughts through the pain is because it’s so greatly reduced from being part tree.”

“In a minute. We need to wait for Spike.”

“I don’t think you need to brace it if all you’re going to do is set it long enough to heal it.”

“Oh, no. This isn’t for holding your wing in place. This is so you don’t bite your tongue off when I start moving it around.” Oh yeah. That. Fun. “Do you think you could lead me to any of the buildings?”

“Could I? Sure. Will I, though? Ask Celestia. That place is hella dangerous and I don’t know if she’d want me leading any expeditions in there. Especially since, according to Luna, it gets more dangerous the more people go in and the heavier armed they are.”

I think she was going to respond when Spike came running back in. “Give the stick to Nav,” she told him. I opened my eyes and grabbed it when he offered it. With a sigh, I slipped it into my mouth, biting down. “I’m so sorry about this…”

An excruciating half-hour later, I forced myself to my feet, spitting broken chunks of wood out of my mouth. “Next time I get hurt, I’m going to Fluttershy,” I muttered. Twilight fucked up several times while trying to set it.

“That probably would have been a lot smarter,” Spike replied. Twilight shot us both glares.

“So what really happened to you, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“You two go back to doing… whatever,” I told Taya and Spike. They looked at Twilight, disappointed. She nodded. They left, giving us both dark looks. When they were out of what I assumed was their earshot, I answered, “I brought Applejack a fruit that turned her into a rapist. It was unpleasant.”

Twilight was understandably confused by that. “A fruit that did what now?”

“Okay, you know how the cockatrice is a mix between a chicken and a snake?” She nodded, still looking confused. “That isn’t natural. I found the fruit that caused the two species to intermix.” She looked at me in sudden understanding, which quickly turned to horror.

“So Applejack tried to… with… How did you escape her?” Shows what she thinks of me. But to be fair...

“Big Macintosh pulled her off me. I hightailed it to Zecora to see if she could help. She was looking for the right supplies when Applejack came sprinting out of the woods and collided with me, sending us both into the hut. That’s what broke my wing. Zecora gave her something that fixed her.”

“You just don’t have that much luck with the mares, do you?” she asked with a small smile. Before I could answer, she got an interesting look on her face. “I don’t suppose you still have any of that fruit?”

“No, I dropped it when Applejack slammed into me.” I thought for half a second. “But I do have another one from the forest.” I pulled the last of the four out of my pack. It was roughly pear shaped and dark orange. “Not certain I really want to risk eating it after what happened with the last one.”

She pulled it out of my hand with magic and brought it over to her. After a few looks and sniffs, she tenderly took a bite out of it. I got ready to run. For some reason, I didn’t even think about the ring.

The fruit dropped to the floor. Twilight’s eyes went unfocused for a second before zooming in fiercely on me.

I was halfway to the door before I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere and that I was a few feet above the ground.

She slowly floated me closer to her and spun me around to face her. She completely immobilized me so I couldn’t hit her or say anything. I saw a little smile on her face that I remember seeing every time a pony tries to look sexy. I swallowed.

When I was right in front of her, she brought my face down to hers. After a short nuzzle, she gently whispered, “And do you know what happens now, my little human?” After a moment, she dropped me. “Got you!” Oh thank God. “You should have seen the look on your face!” she laughed. I just sagged against the floor. “Oh come on Nav, you know that was funny!”

“You need to work on your people skills, Twilight,” I moaned, trying to work up the energy to get back off the floor again.

“Yeah, but you’re the only person here anyway! The rest of us are ponies, remember?” She paused for a moment. “Blech! That fruit has a horrible aftertaste.” She used magic to pull one of the canteens off of me.

Wait a second… “NO!” I jumped up and grabbed the canteen right before she could drink out of it, jamming my thumb in the stopper.

“Very funny, Nav,” she replied. “Seriously, this tastes terrible.”

“This canteen is full of poison!” Her eyes widened. “It was from one of the plants in the forest. I brought it here so you could study it.” Her eyes widened even further. I pulled a canteen off the part of my body where I left water. “Use this one.”

She looked at it dubiously. “Are you… sure?”

“I filled this one up at Sweet Apple Acres. It’s just water.” She took it and I quickly closed the poison container, sighing gently. I took all the containers full of things for her to study and set them up next to her writing area. After a moment’s thought, I added the fruit as well. I put all the seeds there with everything else. “Be careful of these big seeds. They came from the fruit that Applejack ate.”

“I’ll remember that,” she said, walking over. “What about the rest?” I went through them with her. The rest of that day and night was mostly science-y crap.


A few days into the week found me and Taya chilling next to a lake. Not the one with the giant squid thing in it, but a different one. I was in the lake proper, floating on my back, and she was on the edge practicing magic or something.

Twilight tried to make her stay in the library to do it, but Taya has been getting lessons from Applebloom on how to give a proper sad face. I was happy to get away from the ponies for a bit; they grate on my nerves, after so long in the relatively silent forest.

So there we were, just chilling, when I felt a shadow form over me. I cracked an eye open to see a griffin hovering right above me.

I raised an arm to wave. She looked at it for a moment and landed next to Taya. I rowed myself over to the edge and got out, water dripping from me. The griffin was talking to a noticeably nervous Taya. I reached down to my pile of clothes and picked up a knife from one of the pockets I had hidden in my shirt and began to clean my fingernails, watching the two of them talk.

“So… what is it?” the griffin asked, looking at me.

“He’s a human,” Taya answered. “And my dad.”

The griffin looked at her like she was an idiot. Then her gaze flipped to me and saw me holding a knife. “Can he talk?”

“No, I can’t,” I said, looking at her. With a shrug I added, “Sorry.”

She blinked. “What did you—” she started angrily, but stopped herself with a visible effort. “What are you two doing so near Ponyville?”

“We live there,” I said. “Pretty nice people—er, ponies, I guess. Sometimes a little suspicious of outsiders, but they can get over their suspicions in time.”

She blushed at that for some reason. “Have you heard of any pegasus there named Rainbow Dash?” she asked.

“Yep,” I said. “Blue, rainbow mane, tomboyish? Yeah, I know her.” I pointed up to a cloud you could barely see from here. “She lives there, I think it is.”

The griffin’s eyes followed me finger and nodded. She turned back to me. “What about Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy?”

“Yep to both. Fluttershy lives a few kilometers that way,” I said with a point, “And Pinkie Pie lives in town, in a gingerbread house.” I saw her look. “Yeah, I wish I was joking.” I shrugged. “They make pretty good desserts, though. If you want, I could introduce you to them. But you’d have to give me your name first.”

She blushed again. “Gilda,” she said. “They… They already know me.”

I nodded. “My name’s Navarone. This here’s Taya. You need anything, I reckon I could help with it.” Taya eyed my knife and I gave her a look that said later.

Gilda looked into my eyes. “I… I…” She sighed and dropped her gaze. “I messed up the last time I was here. I totally lost my cool. I almost turned violent, I got so angry… Those are the three ponies I wronged, and I came here to apologize to them. I just… I didn’t know how.”

I shrugged. “Sounds easy enough. Let’s start with Fluttershy, since she’s a total pussy.”

Gilda looked up at me sharply, beak gaping.

“It’s true!” I said. “She’s scared of just about everything. I’d rather get her out of the way first because she’ll be the hardest to talk to.” Her beak closed and she nodded once. “Then we’ll hit Pinkie Pie, because she’s usually easy to find. I’ve never known her to hold a grudge anyway. Rainbow Dash will be the hardest because I never have any idea where she is until I see her.”

“She always was like that…” Gilda muttered. Louder, she said, “For a winged ape thing, you’re pretty alright.”

“Lesson one in not having to come to a town for the sole purpose of making apologies: Call people by their name, not by what you think of them as,” I answered, kneeling down to pick up my shirt, socks, and shoes. “It’s called impulse control.” When I got back up I saw her looking away again. “Taya, do you want to come along?”

“It’s always fun to watch you work, daddy,” she answered.

“You’ve never seen me work, Taya. I kill people for a living.” I turned to a very shocked Gilda. “Shall we?” She was looking considerably less enthusiastic now. “Oh, don’t mind her,” I said, waving my hand at Taya. “She doesn’t actually like watching people get killed.” I paused and turned to Taya. “Wait, do you?”

She pretended to think for a moment before shaking her head.

“Like I said! Now, let’s go find Fluttershy.”

Taya and I had taken a few steps before Gilda jumped to catch up. We walked in silence for a little while, until Gilda finally asked, “What do you mean, you kill things for a living?”

“I’m a royal knight,” I answered, leaving it at that.

We walked in silence for a bit longer before Gilda exclaimed, “I’VE HEARD OF YOU! You were at that party at Maris! You won the tournament!”

“Yeah, that was a pretty fun party. First time I met any griffins. And it was the first time I laid a female dragon, though hopefully not the last time.”

Gilda sniffed. “What, griffin females aren’t good enough for you?” She blushed as soon as she realized what she implied.

I grinned at her. “While I will admit that your kind are a lot fluffier, I think that dragon was quite a bit more flexible. And her claws were mostly retractable, while you might accidentally puncture me in a particularly violent throe of passion. Also, no offense, but kissing a griffin might be a bit… awkward, I guess.”

She blushed more and more at each word.

I continued, because I knew I probably offended her, “Don’t get me wrong: the griffin body is a marvelous creation. But given the options, the dragon seemed a safer bet. Besides, she came to me.” I shrugged. “That made it a lot easier.”

We were silent for a bit longer. “Why… Why are you talking about this so… casually… in front of her?” Gilda finally asked, flicking her eyes to Taya, who wasn’t really paying attention.

“Because ponies are a lot more open about stuff like that. And because Taya isn’t paying attention. And because you looked like someone that was easy to tease and wouldn’t mind it too much.”

She looked down again. “That’s what got me into this situation in the first place…”

“Well, I suppose it’s good that you’re building up a resistance to it,” I answered. Heh, oops. “Still, I’ll cool it. From the sound of it, you’ve had a bit of a tough time of things. No reason for another person to make you uncomfortable.”

“Thanks, Navarone,” she said. “It’s just…” She stopped.

“I know about having a hard life, Gilda,” I said. “So does Taya. We’ve both done things we weren’t proud of. Whatever you say, we won’t judge you out loud for.”

“Won’t judge me out loud?” she repeated. “What happened to just not judging?”

“Hey, I’m not gonna lie: I judge people all the time. But there’s a very big difference between making judgments and acting on them. I’m willing to give you a fair chance despite you needing to apologize to three of my friends. As soon as you said that, I immediately judged you. But I’m still willing to give you a chance. So like I said: By all means, tell us what you want. I’ll still wait and see how you act around me before I form the basis of how I’ll act around you.”

She nodded slowly. “You’re not a pony, that’s for sure.”

“Well, yeah. I thought that was kind of obvious.”

“You really aren’t making this easy on me, are you?” she asked. I think she was starting to get angry.

I sighed. “Sorry, Gilda. I just did a long tour in the forest. My mind is on edge and I’m not thinking right. If you want, I could go get Twilight; she’s better at this sort of thing and she probably won’t be as mean to you.”

She flinched when I said Twilight. “I think that would be a bad idea…” She sighed. “Let’s just say that I’ve been through a lot. Rainbow Dash was an old friend of mine from flight school. I came to visit her here a few years ago and made a total ass of myself. I haven’t seen her since. I want to talk to her, but I know she wouldn’t listen to me if I didn’t apologize to her new friends. And… Well, I felt bad about what I did. They were all dweebs, but that doesn’t excuse how mean I was.”

“Dweeb… That’s a word I haven’t heard in a long, long time.”

“What’s a dweeb?” Taya asked.

“A nerd,” I answered. “Or rather, a person generally considered uncool. Twilight, for example, is a total and irrecoverable dweeb. The way she dances at Pinkie parties would make Gilda here seethe, I imagine.”

“That’s a layman’s definition of a dweeb,” Gilda said. “Good enough for everyday use.” She sighed wistfully. “There was a time when I could tell a dweeb from a nerd at a glance, and know automatically which punishment to dole out… Now, though… Well, I’ve learned that it’s better to accept others despite their oddities.”

“Sounds like you have come a long way,” I said. “And it’s a good thing, too; if you were here to hurt Fluttershy, I’d pluck you and put you in a gibbet in the center of town hall. I’d be more forgiving for Pinkie or Rainbow Dash, though.”

She gave me a glare when I threatened to pluck her. “I’d like to see you try it.”

“If I were a few years younger, I would feel threatened by that. Now, I just don’t care. Just remember that you learned to accept others and there won’t be a problem.”

She nodded stiffly. Silence returned.

Taya finally giggled. “Daddy, she would tear you to pieces.”

Gilda smiled.

After a moment, so did I. “Only if she got close enough,” I answered.

Before I could react, Gilda reached out a talon and pushed me to the ground.

“Foul!” I said, laughing. She held out her talon and helped me back up. “Alright, fine, you’re fast. And those talons are pretty deadly. But give me my tools and enough time and I’d come out on top.”

“Psh. You’re just a sore loser,” Gilda said.

“Oh no,” Taya said. “He’s right about that. Right now, you’d tear him to pieces, but if he was fully ready for a fight, you wouldn’t be walking—or flying—away from it.”

“At least your daughter is occasionally loyal,” Gilda muttered. “So do you have any proof?” she asked.

I pulled out a dagger and bisected a small sapling ten feet away.

“That’s what I can do with a knife,” I said, going to retrieve it. “Imagine what I could do with my main weapons.”

Taya muttered something that I could barely hear. It sounded like, “Not supposed to be carrying any weapons.” I ignored it.

“I’m impressed, Navarone,” Gilda said, looking at the dagger. “I suppose not having any dangerous body parts means you have to improvise.”

I held my hand up and flexed my fingers. “Yeah, we do what we can. I think I’d rather have a dagger or a sword than talons or sharp teeth any day. They might be heavier, but if you have to, you can throw them in a pinch.”

She nodded after a second of thought. “Of course, if you’re fast enough, that shouldn’t be a problem anyway.”

“I’m probably never going to be faster than what shoots out of my main weapon, so that’s hardly an issue.”

She snorted. “You’re just slow. Now, there’s nothing really wrong with that, but still. I’d be somewhat surprised if you could keep up with me in the air at my slowest speed.”

“I don’t get much practice with flying,” I said. “I wasn’t born with these wings, so I usually prefer being on the ground.”

She looked at me with surprise. After a second, she shook her head and muttered, “Damn unicorns.” I had to give her that one.

It was mostly silent after that until we reached Fluttershy’s cottage. “She lives here?” Gilda asked incredulously.

“Yep,” I said. “She likes the nature. Fuck all if I know why she’s living next to that evil forest, though. You ready?”

She sighed. “I’m not so su—” I knocked on the door.

I heard Fluttershy call something, but I couldn’t tell what. I knew Gilda was glaring at me, but I didn’t really care.

Fluttershy’s door opened. “Oh, hi Nav and Taya.” She blinked when she saw Gilda. The door slowly began to close.

“Now Fluttershy, that’s no way to treat guests,” I said.

She closed her eyes for a second and audibly gulped before opening the door again and plastering on a terrible false smile. I face palmed.

“One of these days I am going to have to teach you ponies how to lie and how to wear a poker face. Good God is that pitiful!” I shook my head. “Gilda, go ahead.”

Gilda stepped forward and Fluttershy flinched back. Gilda looked at her funny and moved one of her talons closer. Fluttershy leaned back. Gilda moved her talon back. Fluttershy leaned forward. Gilda did that real quickly and Fluttershy copied her perfectly. Gilda laughed and did it several times in quick succession, Fluttershy matching her perfectly with fear visible on her face.

“Ahem,” I said.

Gilda blushed. “Oh, right… Fluttershy, I came here to apologize… for yelling at you. And scaring you. And almost attacking you. And for thinking your hair was really ugly. Although, now that I see it again, your hair hasn’t ch—”

Ahem,” I said again.

Gilda blushed. “Right. Sorry. Again… I’m new at this whole…” She looked at me.

“Impulse control and apologizing,” I filled in.

“Right. That.” She smiled awkwardly.

“It’s… It’s okay, G-gilda,” Fluttershy quietly said. “I understand.”

Gilda breathed a sigh of relief. “That was a lot easier than I thought it would be…” she sighed. “And… I feel better already!” Before any of us could react, she jumped in and pulled Fluttershy in a hug.

Fluttershy let off a really cute “Eep!” but returned the hug after a moment.

“See, Taya: This is how normal ponies deal with things,” I said.

“So that’s why you kill people instead?”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s enough of that, I think. Hugs are fun sometimes. Preferably when I’m wearing a shirt, though.”

Their little hug ended. Fluttershy turned to me. “So uh… Why aren’t you wearing most of your clothes, anyway?”

“I was in a lake when Gilda came by. I don’t like wearing wet clothes, so I just didn’t put anything on. None of you ponies wear stuff, so I didn’t figure it would matter.”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t. Just odd, is all. If you would like to stay for lunch, you can!”

I looked at Gilda who looked at me. I shrugged. “If you can eat what she has, by all means; I don’t know what griffins eat.”

Gilda looked inside and saw Angel glaring at her. She turned her gaze back to Fluttershy. “You’re an animal caretaker, right?”

Fluttershy hesitantly nodded.

“Then I think I’ll pass on lunch.” There was a small pause before she blinked and added, “Thank you for the offer, though.” She looked at me for affirmation and I nodded. She did a small talon pump. “Next stop: gingerbread house!”

“Um…” Fluttershy whispered. I looked at her and shook my head. “Okay.”

“I suppose I’ll see you later, Fluttershy,” I said. “I think we have more traveling to do.”

“Good luck, Gilda. And… It’s good that you’re doing this,” Fluttershy said with a bit of a smile.

That out of the way, we turned back to the town. I slipped my shoes and socks on since I didn’t feel like walking on that dirt road. I left my shirt off since it was such a nice day and because fuck the ponies, I do what I want.

“So, you’re not going to get attacked by a mob when we go into town, right?” I asked.

“I… No?” Gilda answered, looking at me with a confused expression. “Ponies don’t do that, do they?”

“Well, I’ve never seen them do it,” I said. “They’re… Well, they’re actually mostly cowards. It’s a good thing they have Celestia and magic.”

Gilda looked pensive for a moment before shaking her head. “I rarely get to see magic. Is it really that powerful?”

“Taya here turned a room into a furnace once on accident back when she was just discovering her powers,” I said. “I imagine she could probably destroy half of Ponyville right now if she really wanted to.”

Taya looked down, blushing slightly.

Gilda looked at her with a new respect. “That would be something to see, right there. Not that I want to see it,” she hastily amended.

We made it to town. I noticed we were getting quite a few stares. I wonder how many of them were for Gilda and how many of them were for my shirtless body.

“This place usually isn’t too crowded,” I said. “Pinkie might be in, she might not; she gets out a lot.”

“Well, I remember her being pretty… noticeable,” Gilda commented, looking around. “Navarone, why are they all staring at us?”

“Because I’m a sexy beast,” I said flatly.

She snorted. “Right, and I’m a fluffy pony.”

“Well, you are fluffy,” I said. “But if you’re a pony, I’m pretty sure you fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way.”

“If you’re just going to keep calling me ugly, I can do this myself, Nav,” she replied somewhat sourly.

“Hey, I never said you were ugly! I just said that griffins are dangerous looking and that if you’re a pony, you are a very ugly pony. I have no idea how you look.”

She blinked. “What do you mean? Are you blind or something?”

“I’m a member of a different species. I have no idea how anything other than humans look in terms of attractiveness or ugliness. I can tell you that from a human standpoint, you have many traits we consider beautiful, but I don’t know if you’re attractive.” Taya giggled.

Gilda was about to respond when we heard a very loud and very accusatory “NAVARONE!” Oh shit… It was Rarity.

I slowly turned, plastering a smile on my face. “Yes, Rarity?” I asked.

She was looking at my stomach with serious disapproval. Dammit, I forgot about that! I checked. Yep, still starving. Her eyes went up to my face. I made sure to keep my best fake smile on.

Rarity marched right up to me, completely disregarding Taya and Gilda. “What did I tell you about eating?” she demanded. I opened my mouth to respond but didn’t get the chance. “Why are you still so ridiculously unhealthy?” I tried again but was cut off. “You are coming with me right now!”

I blinked. I looked down at Gilda to see she was sniggering. I looked back up at Rarity just in time to catch her horn glowing and wrapping me in a field of magic.

“Rarity, can we talk about this?” I tried asking.

“We most certainly will talk about this! Right after you eat!” she said, dragging me off.

“Can we at least go to Sugarcube Corner? I need to talk to Pinkie Pie.”

We stopped. “Yes… Those unhealthy sweets will be much better at putting something back on your horrid frame.” We changed directions. “Oh, hello Gilda. What brings you back to Ponyville?”

Gilda was beginning to regain her composure after seeing me dragged away like that. “Oh, I’m just here to make amends for my behavior the last time,” she said. “Nav here is helping me do that.”

Rarity looked up at me. “Is that so? Hm.” She paused for a moment. “Well, he can help you just as well on a full stomach.”

Taya said, “Giving him a full stomach would take hours, Rarity.”

“I’m right here, ladies,” I said.

“Yes,” Rarity replied, “But you obviously aren’t able to take care of yourself, so we’re going to do it for you.” Ouch.

“That wasn’t very nice, Rarity,” I said.

“And it wouldn’t be very nice to let you kill yourself, now would it?” she replied.

I sighed. “Then can we fucking go? You should know by now that I hate being held by magic.”

She frowned at me. “Let me hold your ring and I’ll let you go.”

“The only place you can hold my ring is on your horn. And you threatened to beat me to death if I did that again.”

Gilda asked, “What’s this about a ring?”

Taya explained, “It makes him immune to magic.” Gilda blinked.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Fine. Then you can be held in magic until we get there.” We started off again.

“Just follow me, Gilda. I suppose we’ll get there eventually. Even if Rarity is slower than I am,” I said.

Rarity sniffed at that, and seemed to slow down even more.

I sighed. “Oh woe is me!” I said. “I feel the onset of starvation… I think I’m just about to… to… Blech!”

Taya giggled and Gilda smiled. Rarity rolled her eyes and sped up to a more reasonable pace.

When we got to the shop, Rarity looked at me expectantly for a moment before blinking and turning to the door. “Since Navarone is in no position to be a gentle-colt…” she muttered and opened the door, stepping inside and dragging me behind her.

Ah, the smells of the bakery. It’s a wonderful place, full of good food and happy people. It would be a lot better if I wasn’t being forced into a chair at a large table.

“Rarity, this is hardly very polite,” I said. Mrs. Cake behind the counter was looking at our little group with confusion: A griffin that apparently caused quite a stir a few years ago, a little unicorn filly, a half-naked starved human, and a very haughty looking Rarity to complete it.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “We’ve been over this, Nav,” she answered, walking up to the counter. She dropped some coins on the table. “Something to put some meat on his bones,” she told Mrs. Cake while pointing to me. “And do you know if Pinkie Pie is in?”

Mrs. Cake looked at Gilda with a worried expression, biting her lip slightly. “She’s… upstairs.” She visibly relaxed when I nodded at her. I don’t know what it is, but some ponies seem reassured by my presence and my favor nowadays. Not all of them, not by a long shot, but the ones in Ponyville that know of me tend to be. Fuck all if I know why.

Rarity turned back to our group and walked over. Gilda had claimed a chair to my right. Rarity claimed the one to my left. “Taya, would you mind going to get Pinkie?” she asked.

Taya looked up to me and I nodded. “Second room on the left, I believe,” I told her.

Taya walked off and Gilda sniggered at my knowledge. “And you said you don’t find other races attractive,” she said with a smile.

I shrugged. “I spent a few weeks as a pony because of a magical accident. I don’t know if they look attractive, but they sure thought I did.” I gave Rarity a short glare. “It led to a lot of shenanigans.”

Rarity giggled. “Oh come now, Nav! You know I look fabulous.”

“Rarity, you’re currently naked,” I said. “Reserve that word for when you’re showing off some ridiculous outfit.” She sniffed at that but was saved from replying by the arrival of food.

“Eat, Nav,” she told me.

“Oh come on, Gilda missed lunch!” I said. “You can’t expect me to eat all of this myself.” And it was quite a lot to eat, at that. Cupcakes, pie, cookies, chocolate milk. All manner of other things. “Seriously, how much did this cost?”

Rarity waved a hoof at me. “Cost doesn’t mean anything when it comes to your health, Nav. Besides, you don’t even know how much money I took from the pile back when you forced us to take money from you.” Gilda spit out cookie crumbs at that, but Rarity kept going. “For all you know, this is just me paying you back.”

“Yeah, but forcing you to take money from that pile was my way of paying all of you back for everything you were all too proud to accept repayment for.”

Rarity growled slightly. “If you don’t start eating, I’m going to start shoving stuff down your throat.”

“Sadist…” I muttered while grabbing a cookie.

Gilda was staring at me. I took a bite and stared right back.

“You… you reverse mugged her?” she finally croaked. “And she’s mad at you for it?”

“Yes,” I answered. Swallowing, I continued, “Now you know why I found a dragon at that party instead of a mare; they’re crazy.”

“That isn’t the sound of chewing, Navarone!” Rarity said, glaring daggers at me. I sighed and took another bite.

“See?” I said while chewing. “Total slave drivers. S’what comes from being ruled by two princesses.”

Gilda was smiling again and Rarity was still glaring at me when Pinkie came down the stairs, followed by Taya.

“Thank God you’re here, Pinkie!” I exclaimed. “Rarity is forcing me to do something terrible!”

Pinkie looked at me. Then she looked at Gilda. Then she looked at Rarity. Her eyes finally settled back on me. “And what is she forcing you to do?”

“Eat!” I moaned, waving a hand at the full table.

Pinkie Pie blinked. She shook her head and sighed. “This is a new low for you, Rarity,” she finally said. “I mean, that one time when he was a pony—now that was bad. But this? Truly horrendous. You ought to be ashamed.”

I nodded my head and Rarity looked at her with disappointment.

Pinkie put on a massive smile. “I mean, you didn’t even invite me this time!” She bounced over to the table and sat across from me.

“Traitor…” I muttered while taking another bite. Rarity beamed at Pinkie and then gave me an even more menacing glare.

Gilda was staring at Pinkie. I saw that Taya joined the table some time during Pinkie’s little spiel, pulling a chair up with magic.

Pinkie Pie pushed cupcakes in front of all four of us. “You all need to eat,” she said. “I made these myself!”

I looked down at mine. “Is it Rainbow Dash flavored?” I asked. It was colored like her, that’s for sure: Blue cupcake with rainbow colored icing.

“Oh no,” Pinkie said, “These aren’t nearly as sweet as she is!”

We all blinked at that. I don’t want to know and I’m not going to ask.

Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and instead grabbed something off the full table.

It was a relatively pleasant—and incredibly unhealthy—lunch. Like, even the most lenient grandmother would be ashamed to be seen giving what we ate to their grandkids.

It was awesome.

When the table was empty, Pinkie finally broached the subject at hand: “So Gilda, what brings you back to town?”

Cue the awkward silence.

It wasn’t so much the topic that made it awkward as it was how she said it: Completely innocent, like nothing had even happened. It was Pinkie Pie at her best. And creepiest. There are times I think she has what people think the memory of a goldfish is, and if she wasn’t occasionally disturbingly serious, I would think that all the time.

Gilda looked to me. I nodded. She turned to Pinkie. “I’m back in town to apologize for the things I did the last time I was here,” she said.

We all looked at her for a moment. “And?” I finally said.

She blinked. “I’m sorry for what I did, Pinkie,” she said. “I was… being selfish, I suppose. And kind of a jerk. And a few other words that describe things that are bad.” Now that is something would say.

Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and nodded superciliously. “Yes you were. All of the above.” She opened her eyes and beamed wide. “And I forgive you!” She somehow reached her legs around all of us and pulled us in close for a group hug.

No, I don’t know how. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know it isn’t physically possible. Things don’t have to be physically possible for Pinkie Pie to do them.

When she finally let us go, I turned to Gilda. “You really are fluffy!” I commented. I was pulled into her during the hug and she ruffled her feathers a few times, rubbing them quite nicely against my chest.

She blinked. “Yeah, well… Don’t get used to it,” she said, blushing slightly.

Pinkie and Rarity giggled at her discomfort. Rarity said, “Don’t worry about it, Gilda: He flirts with everypony. Or rather, every mare.”

“That’s just because I can’t tell which of you is ugly,” I replied with a smile.

Rarity smacked me with magic. “That’s for all three of us,” she said with a sniff. Pinkie Pie and Gilda nodded in agreement.

I turned to Taya. “They’re teaming up on me! Are you going to just let your father take all this abuse?”

She pretended to think about it for a moment before nodding. “I’m sure that whatever they’re doing to you, you deserve it.”

The three ladies smiled even wider.

“Can’t even trust family any more…” I muttered. “Fine! I can see when I’m not wanted!” I stood, only to be forced back down by magic.

“Who said anything about not wanting you, dear?” Rarity asked with a disturbing smile.

Pinkie mimicked that smile. “I think we’ve already made our desires clear, Nav,” she said.

Gilda put on her own smile and ran a talon lightly down my chest. “I think I could show you that griffins don’t always have to be dangerous…”

I knew what they were trying to do and I knew what the proper response was: Acting incredibly flustered.

So instead I put on my suave grin, throwing the ball back into my court. “Ladies, please! If we are going to continue this discussion, I’m going to have to ask that we let Taya cover her ears.” Come on, bail me out! Without a word, Taya held her ears down with her hooves. Traitor! I kept my smile on. “Now, there’s a nice, empty room just upstairs for any of the three of you willing to own up to your words.”

They looked at each other. They looked back to me. Oh shit, what have I done? I just kept that same smile on.

Rarity finally rolled her eyes. “You win this round, Nav,” she said. “But only because I have a big order I need to work on!” She stood and waltzed out, shaking her rump more than strictly necessary.

Pinkie shared a look with Gilda. That look turned into a smile.

We’re about to find out what happens when an idiot plays chicken with an insane mare and a proud predator.

Pinkie bent down to Taya and whispered something in her ear. Taya said, “See you later, daddy!” and left me behind.

Pinkie Pie bent back up. “Nav, you uh… You might want to take off your pants.”

I hate being a man of my word. “In the middle of the shop?” I asked. “We should probably go upstairs first.” Two chairs pushed out. Pinkie and Gilda stood. I closed my eyes for a moment. I stood up, still wearing that little smile. Welp, this could have gone better.


(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)





Pinkie Pie was wearing a grin I want to describe as predatory, but that seems wrong for an herbivore.

Mrs. Cake was glaring at us. “If you’re going to be doing what I think you’re going to be doing, you better get out of my sight before I rethink letting you go.” She shifted her eyes to Pinkie. “I really need to stop letting you do this, Pinkie…” She shook her head and went to a back room just long enough for us to clear out of the main shop and head up the stairs.

“Coming, Gilda?” Pinkie called as she and I were heading up the stairs. Why am I doing this?

Gilda blinked and shook her head. “Yeah, sure…” She started up the stairs behind us, her talons clicking on the wooden floor.

When we got to Pinkie’s room, I noticed again how… pink… it was. No shit, Sherlock. Gilda looked around, unimpressed. Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?

Pinkie spoke up, “Normally I would say we take turns, but the best way to forgive somepony is to befriend them, and friends always share!”

We were looking at her like she was a retard.

“Pinkie,” I said, “Unless you know a lot more about sex than most of the ponies I’ve bedded before… Actually, never mind. You probably do.” I shook my head slipped my pants off before lying on the bed. Maybe they’ll back down.

“Guests first!” Pinkie said, waving at me with a smile.

When Pinkie woke up this morning, I bet she fully, 100% expected this to happen.

Gilda looked at me with growing interest. I started thinking about some of the things I’ve done in the past and I began growing. It didn’t take me long to get fully hard. Gilda whistled a bit. “I’ve never fucked a monkey before,” she admitted. “I guess there’s a first time for everything… Assuming you can keep up, that is.” She began to move toward me with a gleam in her eyes.

I suppose I should point this out, to anyone not familiar with griffin physiology: Male griffins have a dick about the size of my thumb and they’re covered in barbs. I’d honestly be somewhat surprised if I could even fit in her.

“Before we get started,” I said, “I feel I should warn you: I have this weird stamina thing going on.” Pinkie’s smile grew even wider. “I ran afoul of a magical curse that gave me some insane stamina and a strong immunity to pain and pleasure. And a few other talents, but those aren’t important.”

Gilda’s smile turned evil. “We’ll see about that, Nav. It’s a good thing you’re letting me be on top, because I’m going to ride you like a pogo stick!”

How does she know what a pogo stick is? She pounced on me. “Luckily for you, Pinkie, I actually do know how to share,” she said as she straddled me. “Come on over.” Pinkie trotted over, still grinning. “I think Nav knows what he’s in for…”

I did indeed. Well, tongue, you’ve gotten me through stranger. Gilda casually picked Pinkie up and placed her on my upper body, facing Gilda. Glad I didn’t have to fight her after all, if she’s that strong!

“Now, let’s rock this stud’s world, shall we?”

Pinkie giggled, and lowered herself to my face. So this is what happens when no one is willing to lose in a game of chicken. I gently extended my tongue and slurped at her pussy. Pinkie let out a small gasp. I felt a warm feeling envelope my manhood. I shuddered slightly and gave Pinkie another long lick.

She giggled. “Been a little while since I had anypony doing this to me,” she said, her voice melting with lust. I moved my tongue forward and took a little nip at her clit. She shuddered. I nuzzled her clit a bit with my tongue and managed to get it between my lips, toying with it. I noticed how sweet Pinkie Pie was, her honeypot actually reminding me of honey.

At the same time, I felt Gilda slowly bobbing up and down on me. I tried to thrust to match paces with her, but this was my first double team and I was somewhat inexperienced with that kind of multitasking; I knew it was either full attention on Pinkie or full attention on Gilda, and either way the performance of the other would suffer.

In the end, I settled on Pinkie, since Gilda could still ride me without my participation. I kept the attention on Pinkie going. I heard her moans building up, and I was kind of hoping it was a slow day for the Cakes so no one heard us.

My mind was a bit out there, so it was a surprise when Pinkie exploded in my face, plastering my unshaven beard to my skin with her mare juices. I kept licking, trying to down the juices as they came. Holy shit, this is like drinking sugar water! I went at her with renewed vigor, now that I knew how she would taste. I guess Twilight wasn’t wrong all those years ago when she said Pinkie Pie would be the sweetest of them.

I couldn’t stifle a giggle at the thought of Twilight servicing Pinkie as I was now. Pinkie moaned deeper when she felt the giggle.

Gilda, though, misinterpreted it. “You laughing at us, Nav?” she asked. “Think we’re toying with you?” I felt two talons on my stomach as she lifted herself and slammed back down on me. She kept that pace up for a while, giving me no small amount of pleasure.

But I meant what I said: I could keep going for hours. It sucks, honestly, not feeling things as I should be able to.

I kept going on Pinkie, dragging my tongue across and into her folds, doing my best to reach what I could with my tongue. Pinkie was grinding my face, trying to force as much out of me as she could get. With a frustrated groan, she mewled, “Switch places!”

Gilda and I had time to feel confused before Gilda was pulled off me mid-pump and somehow Pinkie found herself dick-deep on me. Gilda was now straddling my face, giving me an unexpected nose full of fur.

“W-what just happened?” Gilda asked, sounding as confused as I felt. I was trying my best not to sneeze and just barely managed to succeed. The sensations Pinkie was now causing helped with that, I’m sure. It felt like she was a freaking jackhammer, as fast as she was bouncing. “Well, don’t look a gift pony in the mouth,” Gilda sighed. “Get to work, Nav.” I felt her talons settle on my chest.

I shrugged and spread my wings, hoping Gilda would get the hint as I started tasting griffin. Not too bad, but I think I preferred Pinkie. Heh, tastes like chicken. I kept going at it, regardless. Despite not knowing much about how griffins work down there, I think I did a reasonable job.

As it turns out, griffins can’t moan. She let out a chirping noise that actually slowed Pinkie down from her jackhammering, which I was quite thankful for. Me, I like it slow and steady. It gives my numbed organ a chance to actually feel.

And it gave Pinkie a chance to notice my wings. She giggled. “I think he wants you to—oooh, yeah—rub his wings!”

“What would that do?” Gilda asked, beginning to grind into me. I took the hint and worked her clit a bit and she sighed out.

“Silly, wings are super sensi—Oh Celestia yes!” She hilted one last time and began grinding as she came yet again. I felt her walls ripple and convulse around me, getting me to sigh out against Gilda’s tender spots, making her shudder in desire and start grinding yet again. Two for none. Let’s get Gilda, shall we?

I went at her with a renewed vigor and she rewarded me with slowly dragging her talons across my wings. I felt my feathers ruffle as her talons hit some pleasure nodes. She felt that and began focusing on those areas until she had the spots narrowed down.

Pinkie was doing something strange to my member. I couldn’t exactly see what she was doing with a griffin in my way, but I know it felt good. It wasn’t until Gilda spoke up that I found out what she was doing. “I don’t know why you’re cleaning it off. If he’s still good to go it’ll be getting wet again in just a sec—” I attacked her clit mid-word to see what would happen and she let off a squawk that made me really hope the Cakes didn’t have any customers. I felt my face get coated as her body tensed and her talons poked harshly at the nodes on my wings. I gave an involuntary thrust, which apparently forced me deeper down Pinkie’s throat.

I felt a moan resonating in Pinkie’s mouth, giving me a wonderful sensation across my manhood. I may not like Pinkie, but at least she knows how to suck a cock.

I could keep going for hours, but since they both got their fun I focused mostly on my pleasure, just raking my tongue across Gilda’s snatch slowly.

I was really getting into it when the door opened and in walked Mr. Cake. “Pinkie, can you keep it d—Oh sweet Celestia what!” I felt and heard Pinkie pulling off of me with a loud pop.

“Oh uh… hi Mr. Cake. I was just… Buck it, there’s no way to sugarcoat this. I’m rutting a friend with a friend. Can you go away now?”

“Pinkie, this is not a brothel! You can’t just… We have customers, for Celestia’s sake! Get those two out of here! Pinkie, you and I need to have a talk.”

“Hey!” Gilda exclaimed. “You can’t just make us leave!”

“It’s his shop,” I said. “He kind of can. But, like, can you wait a few minutes? I was sooo close!”

His left eye twitched.


When Gilda and I picked ourselves up from the heap outside Sugarcube Corner’s front door, we shared a look. “Well, let’s go find someplace private,” she sighed. “Might as well finish this.”

“Oh thank God, I thought you were going to leave me hanging.” Thankfully, I had time to put on my pants before we were cast out. “Lake?”

She shrugged. “Sure, why not. Last one there gets to be the bottom.” She shot her wings out and jumped into the air. I was following her before what she said really registered. Oh, it’s so on!

I shot ahead of her for all of about three seconds before she left me in the air. She was at the lake half a minute ahead of me, mocking me the whole way.

“These wings aren’t made for speed,” I said as I tucked them in. “I can’t fly fast.”

“Sounds like whining to me. Shall we?” I sighed and found a relatively comfortable spot on the ground. I was able to get hard easily enough. “Now then, where were we?”

“We were fucking. Now can you please get on me? Blueballs fucking suck.”

“Don’t look blue to me,” she whispered, positioning herself on top of me. With a gentle sigh she lowered herself down. “Much better, having you all to myself.” I felt my wings slowly stretch out as she took a nice, slow pace. She took her talons off my stomach and leaned over to run them across my wings. She grinned darkly as she gently prodded at the nodes, making me shudder in desire. “I want you to beg for release.”

The slow and steady pace she was going was getting to me, admittedly, but she was still tender from before. She was already panting. I grinned, knowing I could outlast her even now. She took that grin for the challenge it was and started picking up speed, thinking it would increase my pleasure. The pinpricks her talons were giving me increased as she pressed down harder, making my wings go completely stiff. I grunted as she gave one hard pump, going down to the base and grinding.

With an avian screech, she came yet again. Her convulsions slammed her talons down onto my wings, increasing the pleasure so much it was nearly pain. I felt my back arching a bit as she continued trying to milk my manhood. A minute passed like that, my pleasure going tenfold and hers still showing. I felt myself so close to release I could almost taste it.

And then we heard voices. “Hey, get offa Nav!” Sweetie Belle’s adorable voice called.

“You’re hurting him!” Scootaloo yelled.

“Don’t make me go get mah brother!”

I knew God had forsaken me. And here was my proof.

Gilda tore her eyes away from me and looked up at the girls. “Go away. This isn’t… any of your… business,” she panted.

“It is if you’re hurting our friend,” Applebloom said, running up to my side. The others followed.

“She’s not… hurting me… Go away!”

“Then why are you panting in pain?” Scootaloo asked.

“That’s not… pain,” Gilda answered, still weary.

“Then why’s his face all scrunched up like that!” Sweetie Belle demanded.

“Adult… reasons,” I said. “Go away, dammit!” I feel that I should mention that Gilda was still on top of me, with me inside of her. I don’t know how these girls were this innocent, unless they were just doing this to make me suffer.

“Not until you tell us what you’re doing and why you look like you’re hurt,” Scootaloo said.

“I’m not… giving you that talk,” I said. I looked up to Gilda. “None of them can fly well. Shall we skedaddle?”

She sighed. “I’m not stopping next time. Don’t care who finds us.” She wrapped her talons around my body and used her powerful hind legs to push us into the air without letting the girls see anything. I just barely managed to grab my pants before we took off. We heard their shouts as they tried to catch up. Scootaloo could barely fly, so we didn’t have to worry about much. I slid my pants on as we were flying, not even bothering with the belt.

“If they’re here, the schoolhouse is empty,” I shouted above the passing air. She let me go, letting me fly on my own. I led the way there. Thankfully, the school was empty and unlocked. We casually threw desks aside before she threw me on the floor and jumped back on me. I was still hard from our previous interruption, so we didn’t have to waste any time. She just got going right away.

“This little town is getting on my—hng—nerves.”

I agreed, but I didn’t trust myself to talk. I was seeing spots, I was so close to fucking cumming. Orgasm denial is not my fetish, but by God, this was going to be a big one. She had her talons on my wings again and everything was finally going perfectly.

Just as I finally got my release the door opened. “What’s that so—” Big Mac walked in. He saw me finally climaxing, pumping my seed into a griffin that was wearing her own o-face and screeching like a damn eagle. “Nope.” I heard the door slam shut and a female asking some kind of question. The “Nope”s got louder and louder as he pulled her away, trying to drown out the avian screech.

Well, I thought as I finally rode down the waves of one of my most intense orgasms, at least Big Mac got himself a lady.

“As fun as that was,” Gilda said, finally pulling herself off me, “I don’t think I want to try that in public again. Next time we can just go to the evil forest or something.”

“Agreed,” I sighed.





(Sex is over)


A while later, I was leading Gilda back to the library. “And we’ll never speak of this again,” I said right as we got there.

“If you say so, Nav,” she smirked. “I, for one, thought it was quite enjoyable. And I know Pinkie agreed, if her m—”

“That’s enough of that,” I said, opening the door. “Twilight,” I called, “Do you know where Rainbow is?”

Twilight came out of one of the side wings of the library and saw me half-dressed. Then she saw Gilda and gasped. “Nav… did you… With…”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to form complete sentences, Twilight,” I said. “I don’t speak broken English.”

“What’s English?” Gilda asked.

“The language we’re speaking,” I said. “It’s called English in my world.”

“Huh. That’s convenient.”

“Nav, why are you mostly naked?” Twilight finally managed to ask.

“Because reasons, Twilight,” I answered. “Now do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

She gave me a womanly look. “I’ll tell you when you tell me why you’re so undressed. And when you tell me why Gilda is in town.”

“She’s here to make amends,” I said. “As for me being mostly naked, well…” I shrugged.

Gilda rolled her eyes. “He wanted a booty call,” she said, slapping my ass.

I was blushing about as fiercely at that as Twilight was, but I had a better reason. “Well Twilight, there you go. Now can you answer my question?”

She looked up. “Just so I’m sure… what’s a booty call?”

I opened my mouth to answer but Gilda beat me to it: “Free sex with no strings attached,” she answered.

I waved a hand. “There you go. Now can you help us or not?”

Twilight muttered something that I’m sure was mean, but I didn’t listen. She finally got over it. “Nav, we’re going to have a talk when you get back,” she promised.

“Yeah, I know I’m a bad father. Yes, I know I left Taya while I had sex. I told you all that I’d be a terrible father, so you don’t need to let me know I’m living up to it. Now, we need to find Rainbow Dash. I don’t suppose you know where she is?”

If Twilight was a human she would be rubbing her temple right now. She finally said, “Put a shirt on,” and stormed off to the next floor and presumably her room.

“What’s eating her?” Gilda asked as I walked to the door.

“She’s clingy,” I answered.

“Wait, you two aren’t… dating, are you?”

“Oh God no,” I said. “That would be a match made in hell. Now let’s go find Rainbow Dash.”

Gilda looked me up and down. “Do you want to put a shirt on first?”

“Eh… Nah. It’s warm outside. The only thing that keeps me from freeballin’ is that I don’t have any cover down there.” I stepped outside and she followed.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Nav. Let’s go get this last one over with. And trust me when I say there won’t be a repeat performance with Dashie; she’s… not like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said.

“She’s finally opened up?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Not any of my business.”

She slowly nodded. “Not any of mine, either.”

“She lives in a floating house somewhere around town. It’s a pretty big place, hard to miss. We’ll check there first.”

We walked in silence for a spell. I think the only time I had actually seen Rainbow Dash at home was when she kidnapped me that one time, so I really wasn’t expecting her to be there.

So it came as no surprise when she wasn’t. I turned to Gilda with a shrug. “I almost never see her here anyway,” I said. “When she’s not working, she occasionally helps Applejack down at the farm. If we don’t find her there we can ask around, I guess. Just keep an eye to the sky since she’s usually flying.”

We started off to the farm in silence again.

I would like to take a moment to describe silence. It is a beautiful instrument, and can be used to express any emotion that it’s possible to feel. Two lovers can hold each other in silence, their love expressed in the simple act of holding each other. Two enemies can glare at each other in silence and express their hate in the simple act of staring. Two friends can share a moment in silence, knowing nothing needs to be said since they are so close.

And two people that just met, barely know each other, decided offhand to have sex, and decided to still hang out for a while can share a special kind of silence: The semi-awkward one.

That silence is my least favorite. So I suppose you can understand why I was happy when she asked, “So why are you helping me, anyway?”

I stopped being happy she asked after I thought about it.

“Because you asked for help,” I answered after a moment.

“You said you were a royal knight, though. I expect that means you’re often busy. And you said you just got done with a tour in the Everfree forest, which I remember as being a terrible place. So you’re taking time out of your off day to help a griffin you don’t know do something she has no experience with involving some of your best friends.”

“All of that is true,” I replied. “What of it?”

“Why? Why are you being so nice?”

The silence returned. After a moment I shrugged. “You looked like you needed the help more than I needed time off,” I finally said.

Our silence was less awkward after that.


We made it to the farm in pretty good time. Gilda was huffing a bit, though; I don’t think she was used to walking so much. When we finally crested the last hill before the farm, she asked, “So why aren’t we flying?”

“Because we’re there,” I answered, pointing to the fields of apple trees and whatnot.

She looked at the winding road leading up to the main entrance. Her gaze followed the very short fence all the way up to us. She ended by looking at me.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” We stretched our wings and flew to the farmhouse. I landed lightly and she landed with a small thud. I went up to knock on the door.


I turned and shrugged. “Granny Smith might be here, but if she is she might not have heard the door. We can search the fields; they might be out there somewhere.”

Gilda looked around. “There’s an orange pony a kilometer that way,” she said, pointing.

I looked and couldn’t see a thing through the trees. “If you say so. Good a place as any to start looking.” Hey, I’m not about to question someone with literal eagle eyes when they say they see something.

I started heading out that way. Gilda cleared her throat loudly and spread her wings when I turned to face her. “I told you I wasn’t born with these,” I said, stretching mine as well. We took off again.

It was a short hop to where we were going, and I think we scared Applejack when we got there. She was lost in her own world, kicking the shit out of trees to make apples fall. We kind of fell out of the sky right next to her.

“Hey AJ, do you know where Rainbow Dash is?” I asked.

She jumped. “Where did y’all come from?” she asked, blinking.

“Well you see, when a woman and a man really love each other,” I started.

“Or get really drunk,” Gilda interjected. It didn’t occur to me at the time to ask her how she knew about being drunk.

“They have sex,” I said.

“And it’s usually pretty fun, unless the guy is terrible at it.”

“Or the girl is being a hormonal bitch.”

“Anyway, if they’re idiots and don’t use protection, the dude drops a little something in the girl,” she said.

“And that impregnates her. Nine months later, you get a baby!” I finished.

“Or a clutch of eggs,” Gilda added.

Applejack was looking at us like she just wanted to give up on life.

“So anyway,” I said, “Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

She looked suspiciously at Gilda. “Why do you wanna know?”

“I found an old friend of hers that wants to talk,” I said. “And it’s hard to talk to someone when you can’t find them. Also… why are you bucking an apple tree in May? Can you really get apples from it right now?”

“Gotta stay in practice,” she answered. “As for Rainbow Dash, I don’t know if I should tell y’all. Last I remember of her,” she said with a motion to Gilda, “she was getting told off by Rainbow Dash herself.”

Gilda looked down. “I just wanted to apologize,” she said to the dirt.

Applejack looked up at me. “Is that true, sugarcube?”

I shrugged. “She already apologized to Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. She went all out with Pinkie’s apology, too. We probably would have been here an hour earlier if she hadn’t.”

“Do I wanna know?”

I looked at Gilda, who was still intently studying the dirt. “Probably not,” I finally said. “So, do you know where she is?”

She pointed up. Rainbow Dash was sleeping in the tree.

“First, how did we not notice her? Second, how do you not wake her up by kicking that thing? And third, what happens if you knock her down?”

“Can’t answer the first two,” Applejack said. “But I know if I make the third one come true, I get my prize.” She gave off a wide grin. Nope nope nope, don’t want to know.

“Hey Gilda,” I said. She looked up at me. I pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Found her.” Her gaze followed my finger.

She suddenly looked nervous. “This is going to be the hardest one all day,” she sighed. She turned her gaze to the open sky. “It’s not too late for me to just leave…” she muttered.

“You’ve made it this far,” I said. “Why not finish this?”

She sighed and I knew she was about to spin a sob story when Applejack rolled her eyes and kicked the tree one last time. Rainbow Dash tumbled out of the tree and landed on me.

“Damn ponies,” I muttered. “Why are they so heavy?”

“Whuzat?” Rainbow Dash yelled, leaning up and looking around. “Oh, hi Nav! You’re pretty soft.” She looked around some more and saw Gilda. She didn’t say anything out of either shock or anger; I couldn’t tell because she was currently sitting on me.

“Uh, hi Rainbow Dash,” Gilda finally said.

“What are you doing here?” Rainbow Dash asked testily. Yeah, don’t even consider getting off of me.

“I wanted to… to apologize,” she said. “I was being incredibly selfish the last time I was here. I went through some stuff afterwards and well… It made me rethink some things.” The sooner you get her off me, the better. I didn’t want to interrupt their moment, though.

“I don’t know,” Rainbow said. “You were really mean to some of my friends. And I remember you threatening them.”

“I made up for it!” she said. “You can ask him!” She pointed at me.

Rainbow Dash looked down. “Nav, what are you doing down there?”

“You fucking landed on me,” I answered.

“Oh yeah. Well, did she make it up to them?”

“Yes. Now can you get off me?”

“How did she make it up to them?”

“She gave Fluttershy a hug. You probably don’t want to know what we did with Pinkie.”

Rainbow Dash blinked. “You know, you’re probably right. Pinkie always was a strange pony.” She looked back up to Gilda. Dammit, get off me! “Anypony that can overlook all the pride you used to have to come to a small town they were publicly humiliated in to apologize is alright in my books, Gilda,” she said.

“Great,” I said. “Now get the fuck off me.”

Rainbow Dash looked back down. “Make me,” she taunted.

“Applejack, you may now claim your prize,” I said.

Rainbow Dash was tackled off me. They went rolling in the dirt. Gilda watched with a small smile on her face. “See you ladies later, I suppose,” I said, standing up. I left before I could see anything I wouldn’t be interested in.



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