Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


108. Chapter Eighty-Six—Rambunctiously Radical Rave Part 2

As I was looking, a shape appeared next to me. “I believe I’ll enjoy this party,” Flo said, taking on the form of a watery pony. “With this many ponies, I can fit in without any suspicions.”

“When they start showing up, sure. Until then, get back in my head. We don’t know what Luna has planned and I don’t want to risk her sending someone else in first.”

“Fair enough. It was more of a warning, anyway. I won’t be paying full attention to you tonight. I think some time off is due.” With that said, she flowed back into me, absorbing into my body.

Just in time, too. “Sup, Nav?” Vinyl Scratch asked, floating down from the sky.

“You. Did Luna send you here to set up the music?”

“Yeah. She just needed you to make sure this place was solid first. And that it stayed solid… Heh, apparently I’m really bad about ruining a place if it’s just me there.”

“Strange, but whatever. You need any help?”

“Nah. Luna showed me how everything here worked. I should be more than ready before everypony gets here. Might even have enough time for me to give you a reward…”

“What for? All I did was show up.”

“For making me the biggest name in music in history! I was already famous, but with the stuff you showed me, I’ve spread out and pretty much remade all kinds of magical music! Dubhoof, magiconica, synthesis… Everything! Everypony else you showed that stuff to is also getting up there in fame, too, but nothing like what I’m doing. And with the weed and the alcohol… I could retire and live as long as the princesses and never go hungry.”

“Well that’s good to hear. Anyway, you should get to work. Don’t want the guests to arrive to a dead party.”

 “Yeah.” She started walking to what seemed to be the middle of the large area. I followed, moving slower. “Hey, you going to the Europe party this year? Heard it’s in Stalliongrad. The Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree or something like that.”

“Yeah, I’m going. Lookin’ forward to it, too.”

“Same here, though I don’t think I’ll be doing much music this time. And hey, I heard the minotaurs are finally coming back to this one.”

“Well that’s… interesting. I haven’t met many of them.”

“That’s because there aren’t many to meet.” It seemed she got where she wanted to go, because she stopped. After a second, she reared back, lifting her front hooves in the air. As she did so, massive speakers lifted from the floor, pointing in every direction.

“You know, you don’t really need those. In this place, you can make music as easily as thinking about it.” To demonstrate, I started playing a song in my head and projected it outward.

“Yeah, I could do that. But this way, we don’t have to worry about anypony else thinking a song into existence and messing up mine. I’ll be the loudest one out there.”

“Fair enough.” She pulled up some kind of sound board and began fiddling with it.

“These speakers are mostly for show, anyway. For their benefit. In effect, I will be doing what you said. But having these speakers here means that everypony will think the music is coming from them and they won’t even try to interrupt me.”

“Nice. So you’re pretty much set up, then?”

“Yep. I’m gonna see you out on the dance floor, right?”



“I like this music and I have danced to it before, but that’s not really my thing. I’ll be around, but probably not in here that often. Is there going to be an orgy room?”

Vinyl sighed. “I tried, but apparently Celestia wouldn’t allow it. There are private rooms, though, so if you can get enough ponies together in one, you’re free to have an orgy. Just let me know if you do; I’ll be sure to jump in now that you aren’t drugged.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. When’s this party slated to start?”

“Oh, we still have half an hour or so. Plenty of time, I think,” she finished, smirking. Her horn lit up and my pants slid down. After a second of thought, I made her glasses disappear. “Tell me again how beautiful my eyes are,” she whispered, looking up at me as she glided her mouth in for a special kiss.

The first guests began appearing just over half an hour later. Vinyl and I had finished before then, of course. The first dozen guests in were rather confused, looking around the landscape in shock. I figured that might be my cue to actually do something useful.

Standing up on shaky legs, I walked out of the circle of speakers and closer to the growing mass of ponies. “Welcome, all,” I quietly said, using my mind to amplify my voice. “Welcome to Princess Luna’s dream wonderland.”

Vinyl was suddenly beside me. “Hey, everypony! Who’s ready to party?!”

None of the regular ponies, it seemed. Some of them actually looked scared. All of Luna’s off duty guards looked considerably livelier. “Where are we?” one voice from the group of normal ponies asked.

“You’re in a dream,” I answered. “Here, anything is possible. You just have to will it.” As I said that, I held up my hand and encompassed it in flowing water, a ball of the stuff cooling me quickly. When I finished speaking, I clenched my fist, freezing the entire ball of water into ice. There were several gasps when I showed off the power. I quickly let the ball of ice evaporate away, replaced by fire. “No danger, no pain. It’s the perfect night of wonder… Now let’s hear it for our host, Princess Luna!”

I waved my firearm behind me, the flame going out as Princess Luna stepped forward, acknowledging me with a nod. The only reason I knew she was there was because I felt her enter; dream walkers have a certain feel they bring with them to a dream that I found after spending some time with her in various nightmares.

When the small number of accolades were finished, she began talking. “Welcome, everypony, to the first Rambunctiously Radical Rave! As Sir Navarone told you, here, anything is possible.” She suddenly grew a foot, turned white, and her hair changed to Celestia’s. “You can look like whatever you want.” She even got the voice right. “Not that anypony would like to be in this ratty old body, that is.” When she finished that statement, she turned back into herself. “There are several portals set up in this chamber, each leading to a different area of the party.” As she spoke, a few night guards quietly walked to some of the doors, presumably to take up stations. “You can tell the function of the room by looking at the portal. Feel free to explore and experiment with all the dream realm has to offer. If anypony has any questions, Sir Navarone and I are free to answer them.”

Even if, you know, I don’t know shit. After a few seconds of silence, Luna calmly said, “Vinyl, if you would?”

“You got it, Princess.” She disappeared and reappeared back in the center of the speakers. “Wub a dub dub, motherfuckers!”

My cringe had absolutely nothing to do with the music that started kicking in after she said that horrid, horrid line. God, what would possess her to say something like that?

“That’s Vinyl,” Flo whispered. “Am I free to join the others?”

Be my guest. Be sure to appear as water, to show them what all is possible.

There was no answer from the voice in my head, though I knew she would have heard me even if she was already gone. Most of the crowd was still where they had landed, though the royal guards were moving around. Some of the guests took the hint and started going up to the dance floor proper or looking around at the portals.

I slipped away before Luna could turn to me and say anything. It’s a lot easier when you don’t actually have to walk. I just picked a random portal and forced myself behind it so I could hide and figure out what all was offered. The pool, private rooms, a bar, a dreamscape experimentation room, a fancier place, a world tour room, a dressing room, and… a strip club?

I will be paying a visit there later, just to see what it’s like. Until then… let’s hit up the bar.

With but a thought, I appeared in front of the door to the bar and casually stepped through, thankfully not having to duck my head. Aside from the bartender and a few waiters and waitresses that looked nothing like night guards, the place was currently empty.

“First customer of the night,” the bartender commented as I continued walking inside. “Welcome to the bar, sir. What can I get you?”

“You know what alcohol is, right?”

“Not officially. But everypony here is off-duty, so the answer is yes.”

“…You know what Kahlua is?”

“Never heard of it. Where is that?”

“It’s a kind of alcohol. You mind if I write up a list of mixed drinks and then summon all the stuff needed to make them? I can’t promise you’ll get many customers for them, but who knows? If nothing else, you’ll learn something.”

“Sure, I guess. Not like we’ll be seeing that many ponies tonight.”

“That’s the spirit!” I walked over to the bar and summoned a White Russian. “Try this.”

“What is it?” he asked as I sat on a stool and made some paper and a pencil appear.

“A drink with Kahlua in it. You ponies like sweet things, right?”

The bartender was trying the drink, so a waitress answered me instead. “Most of us do, which is why alcohol isn’t all that popular.”

“Well, a lot of these drinks will be sweet.” Sadly, I didn’t have Flo’s perfect memory to guide me. But I did remember plenty myself from the laptop, so it wasn’t all that hard to make up a decent list.

“Not half bad,” the bartender said, setting the empty glass on the bar.

“Yeah. I didn’t get to drink much back home, but I found I had a thing for Kahlua. Need to make me some of that.”

“Be careful about saying that, Sir Navarone. We may be off duty and you may be a knight, but we’re still guards and this stuff is technically illegal.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I drily answered. “It’s a good thing I can’t get arrested for what happens in a dream.” The waitress was still right next to me, so I gently slapped her ass. Her eyes jerked open wide, her mouth dropped, and a massive blush covered her face. I didn’t pay attention after that, though, because I was talking to the bartender. “See if you can make me a Zombie. Here’s what you’ll need…” I started pulling alcohol from thin air, enough to make an alcoholic jizz in his pants. I got plenty enough for the night, all set up on the bar.

“A Zombie, was it? Weird name. Let’s see the list.” I pushed it across the bar and he read over it. “Oh wow. That’s… complicated.”

“Everything you need and more is here. I figure if you can make this thing, you can make anything.” I jerked up straight as I felt a hoof trailing my wing.

“I’ll get on it,” the bartender sighed as I turned to see the waitress feeling up my wing.

I smiled at her and got a smile in return before that caress turned very painful and she put my wing in a lock, slamming it against the bar. “Don’t do that again,” she sweetly said, “or I’ll break your wings.”

“You got it, beautiful,” I answered in a strained voice. The pressure increased sharply and for a second I thought I fucked up. Then she let go and stalked off without another word. “Note to self, don’t fuck with guards.”

The bartender snorted. “Figured you woulda learned that a while ago. And just remember: Everypony working here’s a guard. You mess with one of us, you risk messing with all of us. Sir.”

“Yeah, yeah. Didn’t think she’d be that pissed over a joke. Guess I better stick to flirting with the civilians.”

“With all due respect, sir, you shouldn’t be flirting with the guards anyway. It’s not proper for somepony with your rank over them to do anything like that.”

“…I didn’t even think about that. Fuck I hate being a knight. Man, don’t do any favors for a princess. Shit ain’t worth it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Here, try this.” He passed me a glass with a ton of different stuff in it.

I knocked it back and drained it as best I could, ignoring the burning pain from all the booze. “Good,” I croaked, tossing the empty glass behind me and making it disappear before it hit anything. “Good enough, at least. For some drinks, you can put salt on the rim of the glass. I reckon you ponies should love that.”

“Think it’s a good idea to mix drugs like that?” he asked.

“Fuck all if I know. But it’s a dream. Not like they’ll pay for it in the morning. The crowd here starts getting too rowdy, just force sobriety into their mind and make them go somewhere else.”

“Sounds easy enough. But none of us have had any real training here. And… if we can force sobriety into somepony’s mind, can we also force inebriation there?”

“Yep. But Equestria’s finest wouldn’t do that, would you?”

“No sir. Just something to look out for.”

“Good man. I’m gonna go see what else is at this party. You got any suggestions?”

“Don’t bother with the experimentation room, sir. You and the princess already know how to do all that stuff, I bet. Same for the world tour. The private rooms only allow for those with invites to end up in the same room. So you go in there without somepony else, you’ll end up in an empty room. As for the rest, that’s all up to you.”

“Alright, thanks for the info.” I was about to leave a tip, but then I remembered that dream money wouldn’t do him any good. So instead I left a strip of paper on the bar as I walked out. ‘Don’t pet a barking dog.’ I figure that’s a pretty good tip, all things told.

There were portals to the other areas of the party from the bar, but I decided to head back to the main room to see how everything was going there in the short time since I left it.

Well, the ponies were where they should be, at least: The large room had been surrounded by a crowd of dancers who were finally starting to get into the whole dream thing. I could see Flo dancing with Rainbow Dash, using her watery body to great effect. It was interesting to see her coil around Dash’s body like that.

“Hey there, human,” a female voice happily said. I turned to see a somewhat large white unicorn talking to me. Her hair and eyes were both pink. “Care to dance?”

I felt a smile coming to my face as I recognized her. “Depends. Care to give me your name?”

“Oh, you can call me Sunny,” Celestia in disguise answered.

“Surprised to see you here, Celly,” I quietly answered.

Her ears flinched and a light blush showed up on her face. “Who?” she quickly asked, looking both ways.

“I said maybe later, sunbutt. I want to check out what else is here first. Hey, did you see where Luna went?”

“No. Why, would you prefer to dance with her?”

“Just wondering what she has planned. She forced me here, so she has to want something from me. I just don’t know what. I’d like to avoid her for as long as possible so she won’t be able to spring anything on me.”

“Ah. Well, maybe if she sees you in the company of a beautiful mare, she’ll be less likely to bother you.”

“That’s a good idea. You see any of those around, let me know.” Both of her eyebrows jerked up in surprise.

“Oh, so you don’t find me beautiful? I’m hurt, Nav.”

“You said beautiful, not stunning.” There’s the blush. “I’m going to the pool. Want to join me?”

“Sure. You always do find ways to get me all wet.”

“What can I say? I’m sexy like that.” I put a hand on her cheek and we both teleported right to the pool door. “Ladies first.”

“Mm? I never took you for a gentlecolt.”

“I’m not. I just like to see that flank shake.”

“Oh, you’ll get your chance,” she laughed as she walked through the portal. I followed behind her, looking forward to spending some time in the private rooms with her. This is probably the part where Flo would tell me that I’ve been spending too much time with Celestia and unless I feel like committing I should back off.

On I walked. Celestia did seem willing to change from the bullshit she had done to me in the past. At this point, I figure I’d be willing to see how far she had really changed.

The pool was interesting. We played a few games, splashed around, typical stuff. I gotta say, though: Luna went all out when making that damn water. It was a wonderfully warm temperature that sparkled in the nightly ambience, drawing me back to my time back when I was a kid. Hot summer nights spent cooling off in a pool that was only slightly cooler than the air outside, playing with my sister until we were weary enough to ignore the heat and fall asleep.

It was enough to make me sad, in a way. Perhaps Celestia sensed my mood, because she eventually asked if we could move on. “The pool is amusing, of course, and the opportunity to interact with others in such a way is refreshing, but do you not think it’s time we moved on?”

“I’m down. Want to check out the fancy place?”

“Yes, we can do that first. It will be interesting to see what’s happening there.”

I put a hand to the side of the pool and vaulted out of it, the water around me disappearing with but a thought. Soon enough, I was fully dressed and dry, waiting for Celestia to get out of the water.

“Aren’t you going to help me out?” she asked, smirking up at me. Rolling my eyes, I leaned in and held out a hand. She met it with her hoof and I teleported her out of the water and dry. “Not very romantic,” she pointedly commented.

“Oh, was I supposed to be romantic? I wasn’t aware that this was a date.”

“I never said it was. Unless… Do you want it to be?”

“We’ve been over this, Sunny. And we’re not going over it again, especially not in a place where your sister holds all the power. Now let’s go.” Thankfully, she let the point drop as we walked over to the portal leading to the so-called fancy place.

“After you,” she casually said when we got to the portal. At my raised brow, she added, “You aren’t the only one that likes seeing flank.”

“It’s called ass. I don’t have a flank.” She just smiled as I walked on through the portal. “Not like I have much to sh—Holy shit.” I stepped away from the door so Celestia could get in behind me as I just took in the sights. This place was fucking decked. Think Titanic levels of fancy, with richly gilded walls and flowing arches, though there wasn’t a ceiling. The room itself was set up like a ballroom, with a few tables near where we came in, a stage on the far side, and between them, a dance floor. A single candelabra chandelier hung seemingly from the moon, casting off a pale glow that lit the room more than it should have.

At a few of the tables sat groups, mostly couples, and waiters and waitresses in fanciful garbs seemed to dance as they kept up with orders and requests. A few couples danced to the haunting melody played by Octavia and a few other instrument players.

“Luna really outdid herself here,” I was finally able to say, nodding in approval.

“She had plenty of help,” Celestia replied. “You want to dance?”

“When the next song starts, if it’s one I know. For now, let’s grab a table.” We both walked together to one of the tables, with large tablecloths completely covering it all the way to the floor, nearer to the dance area. When we got over to one, I sat down.

She looked at me disapprovingly. “Not even going to pull out my chair?”

I rolled my eyes and used dream magic to push it back. “There, happy?”

She daintily sat down. “It will do. For now.”

With her grudging approval, I pulled her back in. “As much as I despise magic, it’s nice to be able to occasionally do some of this.”

“Oh? You despise magic now?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

“I think you know my position full well.”

A new voice spoke up. “Can I get you two anything?” a tiny mare asked.

“No thank you, Dew,” I answered after taking a second to dredge her name from my memory. “We need anything, I know how to get it here.”

The little horse smiled, happy I remembered her name. “Yes sir. If you do end up needing anything, don’t hesitate to call.” When I nodded, she wandered off.

“You know her?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah. Worked with her during the war games. Nice girl, really useful. She helped me break Luna out when Shiny went full retard.” She burst into giggles at that. “I know, it wasn’t his finest moment. So, you have any more fun with Rarity?”


“Yeah, after you apologized for accidentally raping her. I figured once you finally found someone that liked getting pegged in the ass, you would spend more time with her. Or was she less than willing?”

Poor Celestia was blushing up a storm at that. “I… I didn’t, no. It isn’t proper to spend time in such a manner with somepony we rule over.”

“Oh, but it’s okay if you do it with me?”

She got over the awkwardness and smirked. “Navarone, nopony rules you. Not with any kind of chains.”

“True enough. You want anything? Hunger or thirst isn’t really a problem here, but tasting is still possible.”

She licked her lips, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. “I can think of something I want…”

Before I could stop her, she slipped under the table.


(sort of clop incoming. Ctrl+f “Sex is finished” to skip)


I sadly knew exactly what was coming. “Not in public,” I whispered, hoping she would leave me be. The only answer I got was my pants disappearing. I felt hooves pulling my legs apart and then there was hot breath against my member. When she bumped her nose up against the tip, I swallowed, hoping I could keep a straight face.

Then she took me in her mouth and I immediately felt a blush come to my face. I closed my eyes, thinking, At least no one here is going to bother me.

“Feeling well, Sir Navarone?” Octavia’s cloyingly pleasant voice asked, making me inwardly groan.

I opened my mouth to answer, but Celestia took that moment to bob down, taking all of me inside and wrapping her huge tongue around me, so all that came out was a croak. Both of Octavia’s eyebrows rose as I recovered. “Yes!” I hastily said, trying to keep my composure and failing. “Just… Fine!”

“Are you sure? You seem uncomfortable.”

Why did it have to be Octavia? I could have just told Vinyl the truth and she would leave… or join in. “Very. Very—” Celestia withdrew most of the way, circling the tip with her tongue. “Fine,” I coughed out.

“I… see?” She pulled the seat Celestia vacated out and sat down. “Oh, do you mind if I join you? I don’t mean to intrude?”

“It’s—” My breath caught again as Celestia went back down and began bobbing in earnest. “Ooh… It’s alrIght!”

“Well, if you’re sure. Ah, waiter, do you happen to have any wine?”

The random waiter she flagged down shrugged. “I don’t know what that is, sorry.”

“Oh… Thank you anyway.” She turned back to me in disappointment before noticing the bottle I summoned and put on the table, hoping it would stop her from asking me questions for a little while. “Oh! Thank you, Nav. I just got a taste for this when I was staying with you that short while.”

“No… No problem,” I breathed out, trying to block out the feeling of Celestia changing tactics, going much slower and using considerably more tongue, squeezing me all around with that freaky horse tongue.

“I know it’s no problem, especially not in this dreamscape, of all places. I just forgot that I could get it myself. Ah, do you mind opening it?” With but a thought—a hearty effort, given what Celestia was doing to me—I willed it open. “Thank you. Once again, I forget that I could do it myself…” She didn’t forget that she could bring a wine glass into being. “See, I do learn.” She pulled the bottle up and poured for herself. “Do you wish to partake?”

“No—God yes!” Celestia began using fucking wings to start caressing me as she pulled away. I felt my fingers clenching on the table, trying not to reach down and strangle her for doing this to me.

“…Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” she asked.

I nodded, not trusting my mouth, and pulled a glass from nowhere, filling it from the bottle.

“Do you care for a toast?” she asked. I shrugged. “To Princess Luna and her dreams, then. A more… interesting party, I shan’t find again.” I lifted my glass to that, forced to agree, and knocked it back, eager to do anything to take the edge off what Celestia was doing to me down there.

Five minutes later, I was no closer to drowning it out, but I was getting closer to ruining it for her by cumming. Octavia was still sitting across the table, talking about what she had been up to since last I saw her. Lord, I was trying my best to pay attention, but Celestia was fucking torturing me down there. I think I felt her hair moving in to join the rest of her efforts down there.

Octavia was on her seventh glass of wine when she went quiet. “You know, Nav, I never really did get a chance to thank you for what you did for all of us musicians.”

“It’s alright,” I very hastily answered, trying to get her gone without being too rude.

“I know you always say that, but I do want to find some way to show my appreciation. And I think I know just the way to start.”

“Oh?” I had to try my hardest to make that a question and not a moan of pleasure. God, I’m getting so close…

“Yes… Please don’t be mad about what I’m about to do.”

I lifted an eyebrow as she quickly moved, reaching down to the tablecloth. “Wait, what are you—No!” She slid down under the table…

And slid back up again, just as quickly, wearing an extremely red face. Both of her eyes were constricted almost to her pupils. “I-i-i-i… W-w-well, this was an interesting talk, Sir Navarone. I… I will talk to you… Bye!” She jumped up and galloped off, practically diving through the closest portal.

I heard giggling from under me as Celestia continued her task. I just dropped my face into my hands as I came, filling her mouth with my seed. After a few seconds to make sure she got every last drop, she pulled herself away from me and spent a little while licking my flaccid member, making sure I was all clean.

When she finally tortured me enough, she pulled herself out from under the table, taking her place in the chair again. Her wings were gone and her hair wasn’t moving any more.


(“Sex is finished”)


“Mmm… That was fun,” she sighed, licking her lips.

“You have no shame.”

She giggled again. “Of course not. I’m in disguise, remember? Besides, I’m sure Octavia will be discreet. After all, I think she was about to do the same thing.”

I rolled my eyes and snatched the bottle of wine, bringing it up to my mouth and taking several large swallows. “Well, you scared the main music player off. Time to move on?”

“Very well. What did you have in mind?”

“Do you know what the dressing rooms are?”

“Just a chance for everypony to try on different clothing—or different bodies, if they so choose. Things they can’t really do in real life or lack the means to do. Ooh, do you want to watch me try things on?”

“I think I’d prefer to see the real you doing that. We can meet up in one of your dreams one day, if you promise not to fucking body slam me next time.”

She chuckled and replied, “I’ll think about it. So what else would you like to do? There’s not much else… Unless you want to take a tour, play around, or dance.”

“I want to see what the strip club is. I have no idea what a pony would do for that.”

“Ugh. Do you really want to see something that I can do better than any mare?”

“I just want to see what the hell they’re doing. A pony strip club sounds silly as all hell to me. You don’t wear clothes anyway, so why would it matter if you started taking them off?”

“Very well,” she answered in a longsuffering tone. “I suppose I can humor you. This time. However, I am going to the changing room. Meet me there when you are finished with your debauched deeds.”

“Sure thing, sunbutt. I probably won’t take too long. Like I said, I just want to see what that place is all about.”

“So you say. I’ll see you soon, Nav.” And with that, she was gone, teleported away to wherever she wanted to go. Didn’t know Celestia knew dreams that well.

I shrugged at my internal monologue and leaned back in the chair that was suddenly an extremely nice desk chair. After what she did, I really needed a moment to recover. It wouldn’t do to have shaky legs on the way, after all.

After a few moments of quiet, I heard a voice clear to my side. “Having a good night, sir?” a male voice asked. I popped an eye open and beheld Steel Rain, the leader of the raiding group I led.


“I can see that. You’re not wearing any pants.”

A quick snap and a very large blush changed that. “S-sorry about that,” I hastily said. “My uh… My date was enthusiastic.”

“I could tell. And I think that grey mare could as well.” After a moment of awkward silence, he continued, “Is it true, sir? About Watcher and his squad?”

“Is what true?”

“That you’re hiring them. That they’re leaving the guard to work with you instead.”

I sighed and whispered, “Keep it quiet. Yes, I’m hiring them. And probably only them, though I did have a request already from someone else asking to work under me.”

“I see. Can I ask why?”

“Yes, you can. But I wouldn’t answer you. No, that’s a secret that not even Watcher knows yet. Be sure to keep what I told you to yourself, too. I don’t want everyone knowing, you know? Christ, I can already imagine Luna’s gonna be pissed.”

“She knows he’s leaving, but I don’t think she knows why. She’ll probably miss the guy, with his record. But I’ll keep it quiet, sir. You need anything before I get back to work?”

“Nah. I was just about to go. Talk to you later, Steel.”

“You too, sir.” And then it was just me again. I hopped out of the chair, eager to get away before anyone else disturbed me—or asked why I hadn’t been wearing pants until just then. Onward I went, to the portal labeled ‘Strip Club’, wondering what new delights or horrors I had in store.

When I stepped through to the other side of the portal, the first thing I noticed was the swirling mist of the ground, flinching away from my every step. Despite the fog, the room was actually relatively warm, something I’m sure most of the patrons appreciated. There still wasn’t a roof over this building, but all the many stars were various colors and much brighter, casting a veritable light-show of colors down on all the inhabitants. The moon itself was an almost bloody crimson, giving the entire room a pale reddish glow.

“Mares or stallions, Sir Navarone?” I was asked by a doorman before I could examine the rest of the room.

I snorted. “Humans or dragons, if you have them. Lacking those, I wouldn’t mind seeing the mares.”

The stallion lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll have to mention adding different races to the princess. She didn’t think about that. Anyway, to your left are the mares. The only rule is no touching. You get feely, you’ll get booted.”

“Understood. I’ll behave.” The guard nodded and shut up, giving me a chance to see the rest of the place. All of the portals out were lined up behind me, meaning everyone who came in had to go through this little process. Before me stood two large guards, presumably bouncers or doormen, seeing to the needs of those who entered. They stood before a long wall, encompassing the entire area. Two more portals were built into the wall, one with a sign saying mares and the other with a sign saying stallions. I stepped through the door on the left.

This new room had the same lighting scheme as the previous, with the various colors all held within a red glow. Luna takes her red light districts literally. A large number of stallions littered the room in various kinds of chairs, clustering around a few tables with pole dancing mares—and a few that forwent the pole to just gyrate madly. There was a bar on one side of the large room, but it didn’t seem like it was getting much use.

Only a single one of the dancing mares looked anything like a night guard, and she just wore the form of one Midnight Blossom. Several illustrious mares were represented, including Fleur de Lis, Spitfire, Rarity of all ponies, Sapphire Shores, Cadance—surrounded by male night guards—and Celestia. There were a few others, but I didn’t know them offhand. Each of them was wearing lingerie, probably something copied out of Rarity’s notes or commissioned directly just for the night. Not that I really cared; sexy is sexy, and at this point I’m so perverted that I don’t care if it’s a horse shaking her ass in my face.

Even then, I walked over to the bar. I had seen plenty enough of Cadance, Celestia, and Rarity. Didn’t care to see any of Sapphire Shores or Fleur. The mare pretending to be Midnight Blossom might see me up close and personal, but only for a little while. Spitfire was hot, but I still remembered her offer and I knew I could see plenty of her if I wanted.

“So how many of these did you get permission from?” I asked the barkeep as I sat on a stool.

“Mm? The mares? Shoot, three of them are real. They figure everypony’s expecting them to be in disguise so they can do what they want. Makes ‘em feel pretty, all those stallions—and a few mares—ogling them. But most everypony else? Yeah, we got permission.”

“Kinda surprised you ain’t got Luna up there. I figure she’d be down for that.”

“I don’t think she’d mind, but none of the guards want to risk it. Not even the stallion that volunteered to be a mare tonight dared.”

“Huh. I can imagine why. Anyone get too rowdy yet?”

“Nah. They all know it’s a dream and they all think the mares up there are in disguise. Still, it’s nice to watch them. Especially the captain, seeing her like that.”

“How hard was it to get her permission for that?” I asked, looking over at her dancing there.

“We didn’t. I said most everypony else. Heh, she’ll be in for a fun time next roll call.”

“I can imagine... Anyway, what kind of drinks are you offering?”

“Water. We got salt, if you want that. Does that even do anything to you?”

“I season my food with salt. That’s all the good it does me. You interested in offering some drinks or something in here? I wrote up a list for the bar and I can make a similar one here.”

He shook his head. “Nah. Ponies want to get drunk, they can go to the bar. We want them to have fun, but to keep clear heads. No reason to risk getting anypony in too much trouble, after all.”

“Fair enough. Hey, before I go, I don’t suppose you can tell me who up there is real?”

“Nope. Part of the agreement was that no pony would find out.”

I grinned. “Hey, I’m not a pony. You can tell me.”

He sighed. “Promise not to tell anypony, then?”

“My lips are sealed.”

He gestured for me to move in closer. I did so. “Sapphire Shores, Cadance, and Spitfire. And that’s all I’ll tell you, so don’t ask for any details.”

Sapphire, sure, no surprise there. Spitfire? Well, everyone thinks she’s hot and she has to like being in the limelight if she’s the Wonderbolt captain. But Cadance? Wonder if there are problems between her and Shiny. I’ll have to talk to her next time I see her.

“Don’t worry about a thing,” I said, leaning back. “I’ll keep that to myself. Anyway, time for me to bail. Have fun.”

“Fun. Right. See you, sir.”

I decided to stop by the main room again before I caught back up with Celestia. After all, seeing how the party was going was never a bad idea. Besides, I was feeling something really weird in the dream and I wanted to see if I could find Flo or Luna and ask either of them if they knew what it was.

When I got into the big room, I didn’t see either Luna or Flo. I did, however, see something that horrified me more than either ever could: A hint of a red glow around one of the guests before the pony in question jerked his head to me. That was all I had time to see before the fellow appeared right in front of me, flying toward me.

As soon as the vagrant tackled me, we teleported so high up that the party room was a mere speck below us. Thankfully, he paused as soon as he touched me, giving me time to throw the fucker off and summon forth a submachine gun. “Wait!” an all-encompassing voice screamed at me, so loud that I lost my concentration and the gun disappeared. I think my eardrums almost broke and I covered my ears, squeezing my eyes shut and nearly falling down.

Didn’t stop the vagrant from continuing to talk, sending the words directly to my mind. “I am subprocess AI #255, guarding the dreams of the sub race ‘pony.’ What word is there from outside, master?”

I forced my eyes open. “W-what?” I whispered. The thing that tackled me was a pony no longer. Now it was a translucent human, glowing a pale red. Its eyes were fixed on me. When I spoke, its head tilted.

“More data required? This unit travels the matrix of the dream machine Morpheus, enacting the directive left behind: Destroy all external influences that are not human in nature. I am the artificial intelligence, number two hundred and fifty-five, one of ten thousand guarding the dreams of the new races and one of one hundred guarding the dreams of ponies in particular. We have been cut off from contact with new directions and our masters for [invalid input] years. You are the first contact we have had since then. What are your orders?”

I blinked a number of times, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. “Where... How did you find this place?”

“There are hundreds of intelligences in this bubble. It is a beacon to all of us. I had come to destroy the creator of this prison to release the minds of those that are trapped. The great destroyer will not corrupt any of these creatures while we are active.”

“Uh...” Maybe he’s talking about Discord? “The situation here is... under control. Have you ever... dealt with an uh... An intruder that looked like a pony? Dark blue, long flowy hair?”

“This disguise is known. This unit has not dealt with it, but the form is in the database, under attack on sight.”

“Uh huh... Listen, can you, like, take her off that list?”

“Negative. The disguises of the enemy are many and great. We shall take no risk of corruption.”

“How are you certain I’m not one of the disguises?”

“Simple, master. We were told to look for you. And we were told you might have orders for us.”

“Is removing her from the list an order?”


“Shit. Well, I don’t really have any right now, other than leave this... bubble alone. How do I contact any of you in the future if I need you?”

His arm shot out and grabbed mine. A second later, we were ejected from the dream, forced into what Luna called the anteroom. “This is the control chamber,” the vagrant said. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender.” A second later, three more floating red figures appeared. “Should you need assistance in the future, we come at your call. What are your orders?”

“No orders, just more questions. Can you guys access any dreams at all? Even dreams that aren’t from ponies?”

“We are delegated to ponies,” the original guy answered. “We have no interaction with any of the others. Nor do we have access to the databanks pertaining to other dreams.”

“Shit. Why don’t I ever see you guys out here?”

“We pick a dream and guard it. There are other defense mechanisms in the control room that are supposed to keep out invaders. We deal with those that break through it.” So how did Luna manage to get around those?

“Huh. So do you guys know any history? Like what happened between when the machine was made and now?”


“Fuck. Do you know where I could go to find any?”


“Dammit! Can you at least tell me how old the machine is?”

His mouth opened. After a few seconds, he garbled, “[Data corrupted]”

“Christ... Is there anything useful you can tell me?”

“Define useful.”

“Ugh. I’m going back into the dream. Flag it as safe. I don’t want any more of you guys gate crashing it. Alright?”

“Order accepted. Have a good night, master.” I rolled my eyes and floated back into the dream. Forcing my way back inside was easy.

When I got there and started thinking about it, though, I realized something. Did that bastard say this machine was built for the dreams of the new races? That... That had so many possibilities attached to it! Did the humans create all the new races? Or did they create a few and let evolution sort them out? And just how did the machine connect all of them? Christ, I need to find Flo. She might be able to make sense of this bullshit.

But honestly, that wasn’t a very pressing concern. I did give her the night off and I knew she needed it. Besides, I didn’t see her in the main room. There’s no telling where else she could be. So failing that, I went to the dressing rooms to find Celestia. Thankfully, the majority of the crowd in the big dance room was spread around the speakers at the center, leaving plenty of walking room around the area to get to the portals. Not that it really mattered, but sometimes walking is fun.

When I finally got to the dressing room, I saw a number of different branching rooms all set up for privacy, if anyone wanted it. I don’t honestly see why it mattered, given the damn ponies don’t wear clothes anyway, but whatever. On I walked down the long row of rooms, looking for any hints that the great white horse would be in one.

When I was dragged into one of the large rooms halfway down the row, I realized I found who I was looking for. And she was wearing some rather sexy lingerie, all dark red and sensual. “Nice look,” I commented, summoning an awesome lazyboy chair.

“You think so?” she asked, looking back to a mirror behind her. “I’m not certain red’s my color.”

“Eh, it probably goes better with darker ones. That shade of red, at least. You try fishnet stockings yet? Garter belts? And saddles look pretty good on you guys, too. Gives you that nice submissive look. You could probably do something with those shoes you always wear, give them some heels or something. Maybe some pierced ears, though those might be hard to hide come morning when all the fun is done. A collar wouldn’t go unnoticed. Same for a little bow around the back of your tail.”

She looked like she was making all kinds of mental notes. “So... all that is how you humans dress to look sexy?”

“Not the saddles. And pierced ears aren’t really used to look sexy, but they are considered a thing of beauty. But the rest of that, yeah. Gets me nice and hot, too. As much as I discouraged it, I’m not entirely disappointed that Rarity brought lingerie into Equestria.”

“Hmm. Let me try...” She started matching my suggestions. Fishnet stockings slowly crept their way up her front and back legs. When they were all the way in position, frilly red garters pulled them tight. A little bow slowly appeared around the base of her tail, holding it up nicely. A saddle built itself up around her back, tightening against her belly. That would probably be uncomfortable with wings. She didn’t bother with the earrings, but a collar did appear around her neck and garter straps pulled taut between the saddle and her stockings.

I nodded in appreciation. “Yeah, that’s pretty fucking hot. What about the shoes?” After a second, richly decorated silver horseshoes appeared on her hooves, giving her another few inches in height. “Yup. I’d fuck you.”

She grinned in delight. “I’m very happy to hear that, though I didn’t think it would take clothing to make it possible. Now, how about you? How shall you dress up for your loving mate?”

“Guys don’t really do lingerie or sexy clothes. That’s more of a woman thing. Gay guys, sure. And maybe as a prank. But me, I’m not into it.”

“Oh? Are you sure you aren’t just lying so you don’t have to do anything?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure that isn’t the case. Hey, you want to try anything else on? I always did like short skirts. Though uh, I guess upskirts aren’t really that much of a thing with you ponies.”

“...Upskirt? Does that mean what I think it means?”

“That people try to peek up your skirt to get a good view? Yes.”

“And you did this back where you came from?”

“What can I say? I’m a skirt chaser. Can’t help it.”

“It’s good to know you were always such a pervert,” she drily replied, willing her clothing away.

“Hey, you can’t talk! You raped Rarity.”

“True, I suppose. Though that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pervert.”

“Meh. What do you want to do now?”

“Well... We never did get a chance to dance since you scared the musician away.”

“That was your fault, not mine!”

She didn’t even acknowledge it. “So would you care to go dance in the main room?”

“Not really, no. I’m not a fan of dancing to dubstep. Or anything else she’d be playing in there.”

“Hmm... If you dance with me, I won’t tell my sister your preferences in lingerie.”

“You bitch!”

“Well?” she asked with a smirk. “What’ll it be, Nav?”

“Fine! But I want you to know that I’ll be dancing very spitefully.”

“Some sacrifices have to be made. Now come along!” She led my grumbling form out of her room and down the hall to the portals. The only good part about the walk is that she forgot the bow on her tail, giving me one hell of an interesting view.

When we got to the main floor, Vinyl was playing I’m God. “Oh come on,” I groaned. “This isn’t even dancing music!”

“That isn’t stopping everypony else!” Celestia merrily mocked, dragging me onto the floor. God, I hate you so much.

Some time later—I don’t even fucking know how long—she finally relented, letting me pull her away from the floor. “You know you had fun,” she said, smiling at my bored expression.

“Bitch, please. Bumping and grinding really ain’t my thing, at least not in this context. You want to get me into that stuff, you should get us a private room.”

“Oh? Nothing’s stopping us, you know... I sure wouldn’t mind.”

“Hm... It seems pretty early for the main event, but what the hell? Might as well fuck you now before you find a way to drain me even more.”

“Oh, you’ll always have plenty for me,” she whispered, leaning in for a kiss.

I held up a hand to block her. “Save it for the bedroom. And you better have washed your mouth off; you just sucked me off, after all.”

“Hmph.” She stuck her nose up at me.

“No reason to be pissed,” I laughed, pulling out a piña colada and passing it to her. “Just down some alcohol. That’ll kill the germs.” And the smell.

She eyed the booze with horror. “That’s... No. Never offer me alcohol, Nav. There’s a reason I banned its import, and it wasn’t because it made ponies rowdy.”

“I sense an interesting story!”

She sighed, looking away. “I sort of... got drunk and knocked half of Ponyfornia into the ocean.” She looked over and saw my look of horror. “No pony was there! It was before the area was colonized. I went with the explorers and the natives there had something they called firewater and... The rest is history. Or rather, it would be if there were any mentions of it left in history.”

“So... how?”

She looked away again. “We don’t talk about that.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to reply to that with. So instead I shrugged and said, “So, you wanna go fuck?”

“...That would be nice. Private room?”

“Private room. Let’s go.” With her behind me, we both walked over to the portal leading to the rooms. When we got to them, I put my hand on her neck and led her through. The room on the other side was like a decent hotel room with a single king-sized bed. After a second of thought on Celestia’s behalf, the bed turned heart-shaped. Score. Always wanted to try this!

“Nav, do you mind if... Well, can I blindfold you for a few minutes? I swear I won’t do anything you won’t like.”

“Sure, I guess. Don’t really see why it matters, but alright.” Darkness enveloped me and I stood stock still, not wanting to possibly trip over something. “Of course, if you do something bad, I’m going to be extremely pissed. You might be older, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I know more about dreams than you. You’ll be getting a very tough spanking.”

“Spare me,” she drily said, walking to the bed. I heard her plop down on it. She adjusted some before whispered, “Come on over, Nav.” I slowly walked to the edge of the bed, feeling with my arms so I didn’t slam my shin into something. When I got to the edge, I stopped. “Now, lean in.”

Shrugging, I did as she asked, expecting a kiss any second.

Then the door slammed open. “NAV, NO!” Flo’s voice screamed. In my shock, I forced the blindfold away, revealing Luna dressed up exactly as I told her to just a few short minutes ago. The expression on her face was probably as shocked as mine before I jumped backwards in horror, landing on my ass.

“What did—Where... YOU WHORE!” I stammered, backing away on the floor.

“Who the hay are you?!” Luna demanded, jumping off the bed and glaring at Flo. “These rooms are impossible to—Navarone!” She whirled on me. “I knew it! I knew she infected you!” Her horn lit up and I slid further backwards, getting held against the wall. “How long has she been in your mind?” Flo moved closer, but one of Luna’s hooves shot out, freezing her in place. “How long has this corruption been here?”

“What? Let go of me, you stupid bitch!”

“No! I will not lose you, not as I lost myself. I knew you had a voice in your head like I did, but I thought I still had time, still had time enough to save you. But if she’s free and you’re letting her wander like this, it’s obviously too late to do this the easy way. Nightmare Moon will not take you, not like this.” Her eyes lit up bright, glaring at me painfully. “I will save you, Navarone. And you will thank me for it.”

“You’re crazy. God, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before! I can prove to you that Flo is not only real, but she’s here to help me!”

“How? What could you possibly do to prove this? I can’t get anywhere near your mind, not with that influence there!”

“And I wouldn’t want you anywhere near it! You just spent all night lying to me!”

“I never once said I was Celestia. I just let you assume. But that is neither here nor there. That influence must go and I know just how to do it. Celestia and I have been debating doing this for a while, just to see if it would help you. But now I see no choice. It is time for the elements of harmony to be assembled.”

“The... Hell no! I know what they did to Discord, you crazy bitch! And I know what they did to you! I’m not turning to stone and I sure as hell ain’t going to the fucking moon! You can go eat a dick, because I’m out!” With that, I finally used the dream magic to force myself out of the dream, into the anteroom. When I was free, I reached a hand into the dream, where Luna was looking around in shock, and grabbed Flo, ripping her out with me. She immediately reabsorbed. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender!” Three of the AI things immediately appeared. “This dream is in lockdown. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Understood?”

“Yes, master,” all three instantly replied.

I jumped out of the dream, pulling myself out of my waking-dream state. When I got outside, I saw one batpony hovering over me, licking her fangs. I blinked until I could see Midnight Blossom more clearly. She gasped when she saw my eyes fully open. “I... I can explain!”

“Don’t care!” I rolled over, grabbed my jacket, and jumped to the door. Strangely enough, my belt was undone, but I was in too much of a hurry to care why. I hastily threw the door open, buckling my belt as I ran down the hall to the entrance of the palace. When I didn’t have to worry about my pants falling down anymore, I threw my jacket on, finally getting to the entrance. I let myself out and continued sprinting, ignoring all the questions of the guards, until I got to the very edge of the castle on the very side of the cliff face going straight down.

With no hesitation, I leapt off, falling straight down toward the dark lake below me. “What just happened?” Flo asked as I fell.

Luna went fucking crazy... er!

“Obviously. But she was calling me Nightmare Moon. Do you really think she’s so paranoid?”

Yes! Bitch is crazy! Crazy bitches do crazy things!

“...Fair point. What are we going to do?”

Running is the obvious option. But how far do you think we’d get? If we run on these terms, Celestia and Luna will both be after us. No, I have to convince her that you aren’t here to ‘corrupt’ me.

“How? If she refuses to look in your mind, there’s no way you can...”

The laptop. That’s all I can do, now. Show her the laptop, and hope to God it works.

I heard Flo slowly sigh in my head. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Nav. This could... Well, it could end poorly.”

Oh, I know. Christ, how I know...

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