Diaries of a Madman

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.


103. Chapter Eighty-Four—Harvest Part 1

Learning how to use a sword should be easier than this. I was a whole lot better than when I started, but the naga was better still. He hauled me off the ground after yet another failed bout and pointed behind me. “We have a guest.”

I looked behind me to find someone I wasn’t expecting to ever see again. “Braeburn?” I whispered. I looked back to the naga. “Break time. I need to see what he wants.”

“Very well. I can help Taya instead.” Her trainer left a week ago and she didn’t have anyone else to practice with. The naga was relatively resilient, giving her a target to practice with.

He started slithering to the back door while I moved to Braeburn, who looked like he had walked around the house to get back here.

“Long time no see,” I commented when I was close enough, removing my helmet and putting it on its hook. “What’ve you been up to?”

“This and that,” he answered with a wide smile. “How have you been?”

“Surprisingly well, given my occupation. What brings you ‘round these parts?”

“Cousin Applejack needed help with the harvest. She called for everypony anypony could spare. As it turns out… I’m it.”

“As big as her family is, how are you the only one that was able to come help?”

He shrugged. “It’s harvest everywhere. Most of us have crops we have to tend to. Don’t think anypony realized just how badly Applejack needed us, though. Have you seen the size of some of her plants?”

“No, actually. I don’t get over that way often. She told me she was going to need my help, though. Is it really that bad?”

He nodded. “I don’t know what most of those plants are, but they’re all massive. Melons the size of a pony’s body, tubes the size of one of our legs, all kinds of things! We’re gonna have our work cut out for us, that’s for sure.”

“Damn shame I told her I’d help, then. That sounds like a lot of work that I don’t really want to do. When are we starting?”

“Tomorrow morning, bright and early! She said if you didn’t get there soon enough, I could give you a nice wakeup call.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary, unless she decides to start before dawn. Think she’d mind too much if I brought a few others?”

“I don’t think she’d say no. I sure wouldn’t.” The way his voice changed, I don’t think he was talking about farming anymore.

Now, I was somewhat tempted to take him up on his little offer, but after about two months with almost no sex, I was actually feeling… better. I don’t know how much better, but it was like a haze was lifted off my eyes and everything else seemed more vibrant.

So I nodded. “Then I’ll be sure to bring them with me. I’m sure Taya, a naga, and a changeling will be useful.”

“Alrighty. I reckon I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Remember, bright and early.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Take care.”

“You too, Nav.” And like that, he was off. He didn’t seem to mind that I shrugged off his offer and I did tell him that I was probably done with stallions, so I was hoping that would be the end of it. Either way, I knew I was in for a busy couple of days.

 When I went back inside, I found the naga, Taya, Cadance, and Eva in the kitchen. “So who wants to play farmer for a week?” I asked, kicking the door shut behind me.

I received a number of uninterested looks. Ames eventually said, “While farming is one of the most respected professions in the naga clans, few of us have any desire to be one. For what cause would we ‘play farmer’?”

“Applejack’s harvest is going on and she has more work than she can handle. When she sent out a request for help from her family, only one person showed up. I agreed to help a month ago and there will be a few volunteers from town, but that’s it. She’s gonna need more help.”

“I’ll go!” Eva happily answered, eager for a way to please me.

“And I don’t mind helping,” Cadance answered. “Celly always told me it was good to see where my food came from, said it would give me a better appreciation for it.”

“I don’t see her fat ass agreeing to help us. What about you, Taya? I know Twilight’s supposed to be there and I’ve seen her pull entire orchards of apples out of trees at a time. She can probably teach you better telekinetic control or whatever.”

“…That could be useful, I guess. I suppose I’ll go.”

I looked over to the naga and shrugged. “With your two students going, you’ll be bored just sitting around the house. I know an extra pair of hands would be appreciated. There’s plenty of farm work that hands are better for than hooves.”

He sighed. “Very well. If nothing else, I imagine it will be good exercise.”

I heard a wooden rattling and looked that way to see Freki wagging his tail. “Yeah, you can come too. Now, we’ll probably go around the time that the sun comes up. So go to bed early.”

“What about Doppel?” Eva asked.

“I don’t think Doppel is much of a farming person,” I answered with a shrug. “She isn’t suited to hard work.” I looked back over to the naga. “Want to keep training? We still have a few hours of sun.”

“Very well, though I will need to leave to hunt soon. If I’m going to be spending the next week on a farm, I will need to stock up.” I found it pretty amusing that Cadance didn’t even flinch at that anymore.

“Eh. A few more hours won’t do much for me. We can both go hunting instead. And yes, Freki, you can also go.” He seemed to grin as I walked out of the kitchen to go get changed into something more suitable for flying over the forest.

At this point, the naga and I had hunting in that place down to an art. He would go in on the ground and make as much noise as possible to scare something into moving away from him or to bait something into attacking him. I’d pick whatever moved off from the air, since I had better sightlines. We found that it worked wonders.


I woke up early the next morning, as I always do. A quick glance out the window showed the sun was about halfway over the horizon. Too damn early in the morning for this shit. I quickly did my morning routine and went on downstairs to wait for everyone else.

The naga and Cadance were already there. “So if you’re going to harvest, who’s taking care of your spawn?” the naga was asking as I sat down at the kitchen table.

“Doppel. After so long, I think I can trust her. And since she can pretend to be me, there shouldn’t be any problems with Skyla.”

“So with an alicorn and two overpowered unicorns, how long should this take?” I asked, ruffling my feathers as they continued to dry from my shower.

“I don’t really use my magic for much,” Cadance answered. “I suppose I have an alicorn’s strength, but I don’t know how much that will be worth without much training. I’m sure Twilight and Taya will be able to help, though.”

“If Taya ever gets down here, sure. Hm… If we’re going to have a long day of working, we’ll need to start it right. Cadance, if you start cooking, I can go drag their lazy asses downstairs.”

“That’s a good idea, but you might want to let them take showers first.”

“Eh, maybe. See you in a few minutes.” She hopped up and walked over to the food storage receptacle while I walked back down the hall to head upstairs again. I don’t think the naga said a word.

I went down to Taya’s room first. I heard her moving around, so I knew she was up. I just knocked on her door and called, “Ten minutes to breakfast.”

“Okay, daddy!” I don’t know what she was doing and I don’t really care. With her notified and getting ready, I went to go wake up Mimeo. He wasn’t moving around, so I gently knocked on the door. When I didn’t get an answer, I pushed it open.

The glowing eyes of Freki greeted me from the corner he had taken to sitting in. Mimeo was still asleep, the curtains drawn tightly around the window. I walked over and poked him. “Time to wake up,” I merrily said.

His solid blue eyes flashed open. “Why so early?” he whispered, still very tired.

“Because you’re helping me farm.”

“Eva agreed to that. I did not.”

I crossed my arms. “You’ve been living in my house for over a month now, doing nothing but freeloading. I said when I brought you in that you were working for me. Well, consider this your first real job. Now come on.” I reached down and grabbed him, slinging him over a shoulder. “Freki, come.” The not so little wolf stood up and began following me out the room.

“You don’t have to carry me,” Mimeo said behind my back. He didn’t seem to be fighting, though, choosing instead to hang there limply.

“Yeah, but making you uncomfortable amuses me.” I could practically hear both him and Flo rolling their eyes.

Before I could get to the stairs, one of the doors opened and Doppel walked out in her sexy little maid uniform. She looked up to my shoulder and sighed. “Nav, did you get the wrong changeling again? At least last time it was a girl!”

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the noise Eva made when I threw her on the bed. And then what she said… ‘What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?’ Major boner killer, man.

“Nah, I’m not looking to get my dick wet this time. Just a wakeup call.”

“I see. Why aren’t I going with you to the farm?”

I shrugged, bouncing Mimeo up and down. “Someone has to watch Cadance’s brat. And I don’t really want to leave the house completely empty, either.”

Mimeo snorted. “I thought your reasoning was because she’d be bad at it.” I shrugged my left shoulder harder, jostling him even more.

“I’ve never tried farming before,” she mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. “What makes you think I’d be bad at it?”

“I didn’t say that you would be. I said that I don’t think you’d be suited for it. You’re a maid now and you were a spy before. You might do a lot of cardio, but other than that, you don’t really do much working out. I just don’t think hard, labor-intensive work is what you’d be best at.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right. Still, I could probably help somehow.”

“Eh. The other points are still true. Someone needs to look after Skyla and I don’t want to leave the house empty. I trust you can manage?”

She lifted a hoof for a salute. “Of course, master.”

“Excellent. Now, no debauched orgies in front of the baby.”

She sighed and kicked at the floor. “Fiiiine. I’ll find something else to do instead. I suppose I could finally look over that Kama Sutra book you gave me…”

“Let me know what you think. Now, I gotta get this lazy bum downstairs. Have fun, Doppel. Lord only knows the rest of us won’t.”

She giggled and said, “I’ll be sure to be ready when you get back with a nice… stress reliever, then. With how you’ve been neglecting me, I know you need it.”

“Yeah, I probably will. See you tonight, then.” With that, I was finally on my way back to the kitchen. I unceremoniously dumped Mimeo in a chair when I got down there and took up a seat next to him.

“Your shoulder is not very comfortable, Navarone,” he said, not even looking at me.

“Your hard carapace isn’t that comfortable either. Just remember that the next time you decide to be lazy and sleep in.”

“To be fair,” Cadance said, “he never agreed to help. That was Eva.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s just been freeloading. I figure it’s about time he had something to do.”

“It’s your own fault that none of them had anything to do, Nav,” she said. “You brought them in here knowing there wouldn’t be much for them to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Now, how many of you have ever done any kind of farm work before?” No answers. “Didn’t think so. I haven’t done much here in Ponyville, but if it’s anything like it was back in my world, it’ll involve a lot of heat and sweat. If changelings or naga even can sweat. You’ll need to replenish fluids a lot, so keep plenty of water near you. And if you’re doing much physical labor, you’ll need to be ready to take breaks. You don’t want to get heat sickness, after all.”

“Can’t we just get Rainbow Dash or somepony else to cover the farm in clouds?” Cadance asked.

“Oh yeah, we could ask. But you know how those Cloudsdale bastards are. I’m sure between your princess status and my knighthood, we can probably get some kind of cover. We’ll have to ask Dash. It’s a good idea, though; it’ll be a lot less painful for everyone involved if we didn’t have to worry about the sun.”

“I guess you still aren’t quite used to ponies being able to move the clouds,” Cadance commented, flipping the hash browns she was cooking with magic.

“I just don’t actively think about it. You’d think I’d be more used to these things after so much time here.”

“That’s what you have the rest of us around for. So where’s Taya?”

“Upstairs getting ready. I don’t know what she’s doing, but she’ll be down in time for breakfast. Doppel’s also awake, doing something up there.”

“Well, it’s almost ready so she better get down here soon.” I just leaned back in my seat and waited, knowing I’d want all the time relaxing I could get soon enough.

Taya didn’t take much longer to get downstairs. She joined us at the table in silence. A few minutes later, Cadance finished breakfast and we hastily ate. With food in our bellies, we began down the road to Applejack’s not very humble orchard. On the way there we found Braeburn.

“Ah, there you are. Applejack was wondering where y’all were.”

“It takes time to get five people moving,” I answered with a shrug. “Braeburn, meet Mimeo, the naga, and Princess Cadance.”

When I said the princess part, his eyes jerked to her back and noticed her wings. After a second of gaping, he hastily bowed.

“Please, none of that,” Cadance was quick to say. “I don’t want anypony bowing or scraping at all, let alone while we’re working on the farm.” When Braeburn was back up, looking away and blushing, she nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Braeburn. You’re somepony that’ll be helping us, right?”

“Yes, Princess. I’ll just… run ahead to let Applejack know y’all’re comin’.” He galloped back off down the road before anyone could say anything.

“What a queer pony,” the naga idly commented before moving again.

“You don’t know the half of it,” I sighed, joining him. Thankfully, he didn’t ask what I meant by that so I didn’t have to explain that Braeburn took it in the ass. That would bring up the awkward question of how I knew, which would bring up what I did with him, and the naga is a severe homophobe. He didn’t need to know and I had no intention of telling him. The others fell in behind us as we continued to the farm.

By the time we got there, Applejack and her cadre of close friends were waiting for us. “‘Bout time y’all got here,” Applejack said with a small smile. “You ready for work, I hope?”

“Yep. Quick question before we start, though. Would it affect anything if we got some cloud cover to keep the sun off us?”

“Well, it would be mighty nice… Rainbow, you think you can help us out?”

“Uh… I could ask, but I don’t know if they’d just let me up and bring some clouds over here.”

I grinned and said, “Tell them you have a princess here that might get heat stroke if she has to deal with the sun too much. And also tell them that they’ll have an angry knight making their lives hard if they don’t throw us a bone.”

Dash nodded. “That’ll be enough, I bet. I’ll be back soon!” She took off in a flash, shooting off toward town.

I turned back to Applejack. “Well, where do you want us?”

She turned to Twilight. “Can you take Princess Cadance and Taya and get them pickin’ apples in the east orchard?”

“Of course, Applejack.” She began leading Taya and Cadance off.

“Big Mac, you take Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the changeling and get to work on the northeast field. I’ll join y’all later.”

“Eeyup.” The huge stallion led his two mares and Mimeo away, dragging a large cart behind him. Freki followed behind them, knowing he had to keep an eye on Mimeo for me.

“Hmmm… Braeburn, you take the big guy, Rarity, and Spike on down to the finger fields. They oughta be able to do good there. When you get them started, join me and Big Mac in the northeast field.”

“…Finger fields?” I asked.

“A lot of them seeds you gave me grew things that weren’t made to be picked by hooves, Nav. They grow on or in the ground and fingers or claws or talons are much easier to get them with. I reckon them three can do a good job there.”

“Why aren’t I going, then?”

She eyed my hands as they all walked off. “I got… somethin’ else in mind for you. C’mon.”

“You know, if you wanted another belly rub, all you had to do was ask.”

“Now, I’m not gonna say I don’t want another, but that ain’t what I had in mind. Grab those pails there.” I picked the metal buckets up and continued following her. “Now I don’t judge and I don’t put much in store of rumors, but are some of the things I’ve heard about you and those hands true?”

“Yes. That said, I have no idea what you’ve heard.”

“That they’re good with mares. And a certain stallion.”

“Then definitely yes.”

“Good. You’re just what I need.” Given that we were entering the relatively dark barn, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.

“So… what am I going to be doing?”

She grinned, reaching up to pull a lamp switch. “Mornin’ call, ladies!” The light flickered on to reveal a large number of cows. “This here’s your new milker.” Oh dear God, why? “Nav, I believe you know some of these cows. This here’s Daisy Joe. She’ll show you around, get you to know everyp—er, cow.”

The bovines around us were starting to wake up, stretching and being cows. “Uh, I’m not so sure about this…” I said, looking around me in thinly veiled horror.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Nav. They don’t mind it at all! Now I’ll just leave y’all to get acquainted. You need anything, Granny Smith’s in the house and I’ll be in the northeast field with the others.” She left before I could tell her the reason I didn’t want to do this.

Flo, have I ever told you how much I hate cows?

“No, you haven’t. That said, I think I understand why.”

Smelly, filthy, monstrous, mindless. Even in this world, most aren’t smart. Fuck, I hate cows.

“I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it. I don’t think there will be much of a problem, honestly. Just tolerate them, Nav.”

I sighed and walked over to the one named Daisy. “So what exactly am I supposed to do?” I asked her.

She gave me a rather unsettling grin. “Milking isn’t hard, dontcha know? Just feel around down there until you find my teats, then start pulling. I’ll guide you through it. Pull that stool over and we’ll get started.” For some reason, there was a stool against the wall. Who uses this? I just shrugged, dragged it over, and sat down beside her. “Now, put the pail under the udder.” Down it went, right under the pale mass of flesh and milk. “Wrap your hands around two of the teats.” I did so and she sighed loudly. “Oooh, they’re warm…”

“Is that a problem? I can stop if you want!” Please, god, let me stop.

“No, no… Now, squeeze the base and gently pull down, squeezing with the rest of your hand.” I did so and was rewarded with a squirt of milk in the pail. She shuddered and whispered, “More.” I swallowed and continued milking her, really hoping that she wasn’t getting off to it.

It took me twenty. Fucking. Minutes to milk that cow. About five minutes in, more of the cows around us began waking up and crowding around, watching what I was doing. There were a number of whispers and giggles that I did my best to ignore.

When Daisy was finally finished, she sighed in satisfaction and shivered her entire body. “And that’s how you milk a cow, dontcha know?”

“I… I do now, I guess,” I answered, glancing at the two full buckets of milk I got from her. “So… what do I do with these?”

“Oh, we’ll handle those. You just get on to the next one, now!”

“Just so I know, how many of you are there?”

“Oh, I think the last count was only around forty-four or so.”

I think I felt tears coming to my eyes. Flo ‘hmmed’ and commented, “That’s over fourteen hours of milking, at this rate. Better get to work.”

I’m never volunteering for Applejack again. Christ. Daisy stepped aside and two cows grabbed her buckets before another stepped into her place, giving me a creepy grin. “Well, what’re you waiting for, bull?” I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Instead of moaning, this one mooed when I grabbed at her teats. I shivered and began milking her. The noises she was making didn’t make me feel all that great about it, that’s for sure. When her twenty minutes were up, the buckets were removed and replaced by other cows as a third cow stepped into place. She just looked at me with half-lidded eyes and a lascivious grin.

I sighed and began milking her. Her eyes squeezed shut and she turned her head away, biting her lip. At least she isn’t making noises. Until I thought that, of course. “Like… little tentacles, having their way with me,” she whispered. “Do whatever you want, mister tentacle monster.”


“Yes, Nav, I’ll take over. Feel free to curl into a ball and cry.” I withdrew from my body and let Flo take over as I summoned a large bed that I could fall on and pretend that cow never opened her mouth. I didn’t even open a window to the outside to watch everything.

I think an hour passed before Flo said, “Nav, I can’t hold on anymore. You have to take back over.”

“What? Why?!”

“I’ve told you this before. I can only stay in control for so long, even if you’re not fighting. I got another four done, though; if you get the technique down, it goes faster.”

I gulped and nodded. “Alright. Give me control back.” I blinked and found myself back on the stool. A cow was just stepping into place when I came to. I loudly popped my knuckles and she flinched.

“P-please be gentle,” she whispered. “It’s my first time.”

I was extremely tempted to just get up and walk away. In hindsight, I wish I had. “I’ll try,” I answered instead of doing the smart thing. When I reached down for her teats, she flinched and then sighed. I think I saw her tail twitch upwards when I pulled one down to start milking. Her breathing slowly picked up as I continued and I was starting to wonder if she was going to be okay.

My question was answered when she finally half-moaned, half-mooed and something splashed under her legs. My mind froze for a few seconds as she caught her breath and all the cows around me gasped. “D-did you just…”

Daisy quickly jumped forward, wrapping a leg around the cow’s shoulders. “It’s okay, dear. A lot of us really enjoy our first times, dontcha know.”

She… she did just… cum… Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick. I jumped off the stool and fucking sprinted from the barn, pushing cows out of my way to get out faster. When I got outside, I ran to the side of the barn, put a hand against the wall, leaned over, and gagged, trying to hold back my breakfast. Just when you think you’ve gotten used to something, you find something that’s even worse! Christ, why did it have to be cows?

“You alright there, part’?” Braeburn asked, touching my side with his hoof.

I flinched back and gagged one last time before groaning, “No.”

“Cows get to you? Applejack told me that she’d talk to them. Guess it didn’t do any good.”

“She… she knew they got off to that?”

“Well, I don’t think any of them ever actually got off to it before, but they do enjoy it.” I slowly turned my head to him, showing off my bloodshot eyes and horrified expression. He flinched back and said, “So… one of them got off to it, huh?” I pushed back away from the wall and brushed past him, walking toward the northeast field. I had a certain orange pony to yell at. Braeburn just sighed and started following me.

My rage didn’t abate in the slightest on the long walk—though I don’t think you could call what I was doing walking—to where Applejack was trying to repair a fence. I could see Mimeo and Pinkie near us, working on the apple trees.

“Applejack!” Her head jerked up, somehow bumping into the fencepost. She turned to me, rubbing her head. “You didn’t tell me they’d get off to that!”

She scratched at one of her ears, flipping it up and down. “Can you repeat that?”

I walked over to her, knelt down, grabbed her ear, and yelled, “I just got molested by your fucking cows!”

She jumped back at the screaming, knocking over the entire fence. “I didn’t think you’d mind! You said the rumors were true!”

I don’t think anyone on this world has ever seen me truly angry before. Applejack just changed that. “You didn’t think? Why does that not surprise me?” Maybe it was the very angry tone I was using or maybe it was the look on my face, but she started backing up, fear on her face. I started advancing, not finished with her. “Milk the cows, you said. Why didn’t you mention they fucking got off to that?! Did that slip your mind? Did you truly think I wouldn’t mind being turned into a fucking WHORE?!”

With that last remark, she fell over some of the logs the fence was made of, falling into a trench behind her. A throat cleared behind me and Mimeo said, “Whores get paid, Navarone. You volunteered.”

I very slowly turned around, the look on my face making both Pinkie and Braeburn flinch and start backing up. “I volunteered? No. You just did.” Mimeo blinked in confusion, but I was on him in an instant. With one hand around the back of his neck and the other hand on his tail, I started dragging his black ass back to the barn. Thankfully, he didn’t even try struggling. I think Braeburn and Freki followed us, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

When we got back to the entrance of the barn, I dropped his neck and used his tail to sling him into the mass of cows. “There’s your new fucking milker. Enjoy.” I turned to Braeburn and Freki and looked down at my wolf. “Make sure he stays here and does his job. He starts slacking, you start gnawing.” He happily barked before sitting down next to the barn doors. Braeburn had a look on his face that I couldn’t identify. “Well, where are the so-called finger fields? I might as well get started there.”

“Nav… are you alright?”

“I’m better now. I don’t get angry often and I usually calm down quickly. Lead the way.”

“Well, if you’re sure… Right this way.” He started leading me west, away from the others. “I don’t know if you’d call that angry, though. Furious looked more like it.”

“I don’t like being used like that. Especially without knowing what I’m stepping into. And what’s worse is that she didn’t even think I would be upset about it! Is my reputation really that bad?”

“I don’t know much about your reputation here in Ponyville, but from what I’ve read on the newspapers, you ain’t exactly got the best morals out there. Sure, you do the right thing, but there apparently ain’t no mare out there that’s safe from yeh.”

“That is an extreme exaggeration. So I like sex. Big fucking deal. I haven’t done anything my partners didn’t want and I never propositioned anyone that didn’t seem at least slightly interested. How is that so bad?”

“Hey, I don’t judge either way. I cain’t, not after what we did. Not that I’m complainin’, mind. It just doesn’t exactly help convince me of yer point.”

“You’re still the only stallion I’ve done anything with, if that makes you feel any better.”

“You sure about that? I’ve read a bunch of things in the paper that say you’re with the captain of the royal guard.”

“Those are rumors that I started to fuck with him. He’s happily married to a loving princess. They even have a kid.”

“See, this is why nopony likes the news anymore. It’s all lies! I bet next you’ll tell me that Princess Celestia isn’t even a narwhal in disguise.”

“God, someone actually put that in a paper? I was telling a joke to a bunch of reporters!”

“Well, after that big scandal with her and that model a few months ago, everypony’s been more willing to find things out about her. I figured, you know, maybe she really was. Even if I don’t know what a narwhal is…”

“It’s a large sea animal with a horn. I just said that because she’s fat.” He flinched, jerking his eyes toward me in shock. “What? It’s true. That said, I like ‘em nice and squishy. More to hold onto, you know?”

“Um…” He looked down to his hooves.

“Well, maybe you don’t know. Trust me, Celestia’s pretty fun in the sack. You should find some guy with a nice ass and see if you can convince him to let you ride him.”

Braeburn at this point was turning several shades of red. I don’t think he was really used to speaking so openly about stuff like that. After about half a minute of awkward silence, he finally said, “I… I bottom.”

“Oh. Well, never mind then. Though I guess you could make an exception. I don’t really know what that feels like.”

He muttered something that I didn’t quite catch. Since I know mutters are supposed to be ignored, I didn’t call him on it. Eventually we got to the ‘finger field,’ where I saw Spike and Rarity reenacting the South in 1830. Rarity was lying back in some manner of lounge chair, her horn glowing to pull at some crops, while Spike was constantly bending over in the hot sun to pick others. The naga was actually on the ground, acting like a snake with arms to pick things.

“Now I remember why I hate farming,” I sighed.

“You used to farm back where you come from?” Braeburn asked as I put some leather gloves on.

“Sort of. I didn’t do much plant picking, but I dealt with a lot of animals. And holy shit, look at the size of that okra!” I didn’t actually look at what they were harvesting until that point. Those things were fucking huge!

“I told you they were big, Nav. I’ve never seen anything like ‘em, either! What’s okra?”

“Those tubes that Rarity’s grabbing. They get to be long, but not that big. I wonder what the hell could have caused that…”

Flo whispered, “The different atmosphere. The seeds you brought here weren’t accustomed to it, so when they sprouted, they sprouted big.”

“I don’t know and it ain’t really my problem,” Braeburn answered with a shrug. “There ain’t too many of these plants. Applejack said she only had enough seeds to get a test crop done. Should take you the rest of today and tomorrow to finish these off. After that, I’m sure Applejack can find more stuff for you to do. Now, I need to get back to helping her. With that changeling gone, we gotta do more to make up for it.”

“You know, I could just get a giant dragon here that could slam the ground with a fist and probably knock down a fuckton of apples.”

“I’m uh… I’m not sure Applejack would want a dragon around her crops.” I turned to him, lifted an eyebrow, turned my head to Spike for a second, and then looked back to him. He followed my gaze and thought for a second. “Well, a dragon she don’t know. I mean, I’ll mention it to her, but no promises about her actually taking you up on it. After all, she has plenty of property to worry about getting damaged, too.”

“True enough. Well, I reckon I should get started. Thanks for showing me the way.”

“No problem. And I need to get back, too. See you later, Nav.”

And thus began one of the most mind-numbing and torturous tasks I’ve ever done.


A few hours into the backbreaking work, Rarity came over to where I was trying to figure out how to move a watermelon the size of Applebloom. “Navarone, can we talk about something?”

“Well, if I said no, I’d already ruin my answer just by replying. What do you need?” Maybe I can roll it?

“Has Spike said anything to you about me?”

“Yeah.” I tried giving the watermelon an experimental push. It wobbled and I sighed.

“Anything in particular? I’ve tried talking to him and Twilight, but neither have been very forthcoming.”

“Well, you pissed Spike off something fierce. Not only telling him that you weren’t at all interested, but that all the time he spent drooling over you made you think he was gay? Well, I think that would piss anyone off.”

“Yes, I realized my mistake and I tried apologizing. It’s just… he’s too young for me!”

“You realize that he’s around the same age as you, right? Dragons age very differently than ponies. I’ve asked a number of them about that. Spike told me that he was actually technically older than Twilight at this point, but I don’t think he can actually judge that himself. “

“I… I did not realize that, no. He still acts so young!”

“Treat someone like a child and they’ll act like it. And it helps that since everyone thinks he’s young, no one teaches him how to behave like an adult. I’ve been working on that when I see him over at my house, but a lot of his time has been spent with the naga and Doppel.”

She went silent as I started rocking the watermelon back and forth, waiting to build up enough momentum. Eventually she acidically spouted, “That hussy changeling of yours? He’s been spending time with her?!”

“Yes. It’s nice to find a girl that gives you the time of day. After so long around people like you, it’s no wonder she latched onto him as an easy source of lust.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?”

I stopped my efforts on the watermelon and gave her an incredulous look. “Really? Are you that fucking dense? Did you not at all realize what you were doing to that poor kid? You were using him for free labor for years. When he finished what you needed him for, you sent him on his way without a backwards glance. I’ve seen you use him to clean your store. As soon as he got outside with the last trash bag, you sent him straight home without anything at all.”

“Well… he stank and needed a bath.”

“At the cost of his feelings. You used him as a pincushion, sticking needles into his fucking body.”

“He has scales! It didn’t hurt him at all.”

“At the cost of his dignity. You paraded him around in your minotaur summer dress line of clothes in front of the entire town.”

“He didn’t mind and he got a large number of compliments!”

He didn’t mind because he wanted something from you! He wanted your love and affection, you vapid cunt! You used him while hinting that if he did just one more thing for you, maybe you’d give him what he craved for. Maybe the next little favor would be it. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally earn your affection. And now that I’ve finally broken him from your chains, you come to me trying to figure out how to tie him back. Eat a dick, Rarity. But not his, because he’s done with your bullshit. And so am I.” I looked back at the watermelon and pulled my knife out to cut the stem.

After nearly a minute of silence behind me, Rarity quietly said, “One more question, Nav. I… I made a big mistake, didn’t I?”

“Yes. Yes you did.”

“…Can it be fixed?”

I looked back to her to find that she actually had tears in her eyes. “You’re asking the wrong person. If I were Spike, I’d either ignore you or tell you to fuck off. If I were any of your pony friends, I’d awkwardly try to change the subject so I didn’t have to tell you how much of a bitch you’ve been.”

“…That explains a lot. Do you know where Spike is, then?”

I looked over her head behind her, where Spike had been standing since about the time she got there. He had been helping me with the watermelons and was hidden behind one. I said, “Not sure. Maybe I should ask Spike. Hey Spike, where are you?”

Rarity jumped when I directed that question over her head, spinning around. She opened her mouth to say something, but Spike said, “Fuck off, Rarity.” He then looked up to me. “How are we gonna move these things?”

“Fuck it, we’ll make the naga do it. Let’s go find something we can actually work on.”

Rarity was absolutely stunned at that. She wasn’t even able to say a word as we walked away.

When we were far enough away that she couldn’t hear us, I commented, “She’s probably going to bitch at Twilight for your language. Then Twilight’s probably going to bitch at me because you copied me.”


“You raise a good point. Let’s go harvest the corn. That stuff should be easy for us.” And so things went.


Those things kept on going until about three or so the next day. Rarity traded shifts with Cadance to get away from me and Spike, not that she said it. So we had a princess working the fields with us, though sadly she wasn’t constantly bending over. And then I remembered that she was married and I wasn’t supposed to be looking anyway.

Sometime around the late afternoon of the next day, I got an unexpected visitor. “Sir Navarone?”

I swung the hoe I was using over my shoulder as I turned around, wiping some sweat off my forehead. “Yeah?” I wasn’t able to tell whose voice it was from behind me, so I was surprised when I beheld the diminutive form of Diamond Tiara before me. I suddenly wished I hadn’t taken my shirt off some time ago. I also wished I hadn’t gotten separated from the others and that Rainbow Dash had been able to get cloud cover so I wouldn’t have a sheen of sweat over me.

Her eyes went to my chest and a small blush appeared on her face. I don’t think her mind was in the gutter, but my body isn’t something many ponies saw since I usually wore a shirt. After a few seconds, she looked back up at my face. “Where’s Eva? Wasn’t I supposed to teach her today?”

“She’s milking cows. We’re going to be too busy for tutoring this week. Just take the time off.”

“…Oh.” She looked around the general area and didn’t see anyone. “So where’s everypony else?”

“Working, I imagine. I need to get back to that, too.”

“Why are you doing this? You’re the princess’s knight, her go-to champion! You should be paying somepony else to do this for you.”

“Applejack wouldn’t let me do that. She would only accept my help. Since I don’t have much to do anyway, I figured I’d stop by to help.”

“Well, don’t you think you should take a break? You look pretty… hot. I know a place nearby that’s in some shade. It’s nice and private, too, so nopony would bother us—you, I mean.”

That’s not obvious at all. “Nah. I’m not as flimsy as I look. I can keep going for hours.”

“I bet you can…” she whispered before shaking her head and blinking. “I mean… are you sure? The princess’s champion—”

“Is her champion for a reason. I’m fine, Diamond. I even got water, if I need it.” I reached down to my flask and shook it to show her that I had water, but it didn’t make any sound. “…I had water. I’ll get it refilled next time I’m near a pump.”

“I can do that for you!”

Truth be told, I was a little tempted to do it just to see if I could taste whatever she was going to do to my water, but I realized it was probably a bad idea. It helped that Flo was quietly urging me not to take her up on that.

“Nah. I’ll be moving on soon enough and can refill it then.”

“Are you suuure? I don’t mind!”

You know what… I can fuck with her. She’s technically legal, if just way too young for me. I shrugged. “Alright.” I pulled the canteen off my belt as Flo just sighed. “Nearest pump is a few hundred meters that way,” I said, pointing off to our left, where a large patch of some kind of crop was that she could easily hide in to do her business. “Hurry back.”

“Of course, Sir Navarone!” She took the canteen in her mouth because ponies have no sense of hygiene and started trotting off where I pointed, her tail wagging.

“Dammit Nav,” Flo sighed.

I just shrugged and replied, “Who knows? It could be interesting.”

“I want to say that I wonder about you sometimes, but I already know everything that goes on in your head. And I have to say, sometimes I’m disappointed.”

“That’s what you get for having expectations.”

“Sometimes, with you, I expect nothing and still get let down.” If the tone in her voice wasn’t at least somewhat playful, I’d be pretty pissed at that. As it was, I just snorted and went back to work, wondering what kind of surprise little miss Tiara had in store for me.

Some fifteen minutes or so later, she returned with a rather blushed face, still holding my canteen in her mouth. I took it from her, saying, “Thanks, Diamond.”

“N-no problem, sir.” Her eyes widened as I popped the cap off and slowly lifted it up to my mouth. She didn’t even notice me watching her expression, her eyes glued on my mouth. I took a long, slow draught and held it in my mouth, savoring the hint of the musky flavor I recognized very well. When I swallowed it, her breathing began picking up.

Then I leaned up and poured some of it over my face. She started panting at the sight of her love juices slowly sliding down my body and dripping onto the ground or going down my relatively loose britches.

“Really hits the spot,” I said with a sigh, taking another long sip. “And tastes better than usual. You sure you used the right pump?”

“Y-y-yes! Nothing weird about that water at all! Do you want a refill?”

Should I keep torturing her? Flo just sighed as I shook my head. “Nah. I really need to get back to work. Thanks for the water, Diamond.”

“Of course... Uh, why were you already covered in water?”

“Sweat. Basically, it’s really salty water.”

She blinked in confusion. “Salt?”

“...You guys get high off that stuff, don’t you? That explains a lot.” Like how all of my lovers are fucking crazy. “Don’t worry about it. Unless you were planning on licking me or something, it’s not a problem.” God, if she didn’t have a cutie mark, I could probably get in trouble for this...

She awkwardly giggled. “O-of course not. That would be... silly.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I need to get back to work and you need to go enjoy your day off. I’ll see you later, Diamond.”

“Y-you too.” With the way her tail was down, I think she was trying to hide something as she walked away. Man, I really got her riled up, didn’t I?

“You’re terrible, Nav.”

“And you love every second of it, Flo.” She just tutted as I went back to hoeing the shit out of some potatoes. “Still, that water is actually pretty good. I might have to get Doppel to prepare some for me.” I think I could hear her repeatedly banging her head against something in my brain. I smiled and wondered who would get brain damage first, her or me.

A few hours later, Applejack came by to where I was staring at a long row of brussel sprout plants, wondering why I had even given her such horrible seeds. “Nav, you uh... you got a minute?”

“Hm? Yeah, I got time. I don’t want to touch these horrible things anyway. Fuck, I hate brussel sprouts.”

“Right. I just uh... wanted to apologize. I assumed a lot when I sent you to the cows and I realize that was wrong of me.”

“That? I’m over it. No bad blood between us, as far as I’m concerned. I’m gonna take a break before I fuck with these things. Want a belly rub?”

She licked her lips greedily, thinking it over. After a second, she shook her head. “I cain’t. Apples to harvest, after all.”

“Applejack, if you don’t take a nice long break, you’ll wear yourself out. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time off. I’m going over there next to that fence to take a break. You want to join me, feel free.” I started walking over there and she lifted a hoof to follow me, but put it back down, unable to decide if she was coming or going. I stopped listening and just kept walking.

When I sat down and leaned against a tree that was used to hold up a gate on the fence, I saw her almost to the gate, following me. “I’m only doing this because the last time I tried harvesting with no breaks, I made everypony in town sick.”

“Sure, sure. I won’t tell them if you don’t.” She laid down on the ground next to me. After a second, I pulled her hat off her head. “Well, roll on over.”

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