Shattered


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1. Chapter 1

"I think…when we go through tough times, when we get hurt and feel like…like there’s no way out of this pain. That there is no way that we are strong enough to move on or good enough to be saved, worthy enough to be loved. And it’s…it’s sad to think that there are people out there that just feel the need to hate on and be rude to those that they see are lower than them in some way, shape, or form, in their eyes. And I’m making this video here to tell you about my past, about my troubles, and the issues I have dealt with and continue to even now. My uh…my mum passed away just two years after my baby sister was born. It was like, a year after giving birth, she started to show signs that her body was failing and when she went into the doctor’s office to see what was going on and uh…she um…was diagnosed and emitted into the hospital that night for stage four cancer of some type. I didn’t care what kind of cancer it was, all I cared about was that the one person who shaped me into who I was then, is going to die and there is no cure for it. It was as if a thousand different issues were being thrown into my life from all directions and within eleven months…she was gone. That moment is when I knew my life was never going to be the same. Just weeks after her death, my father started showing signs of frustration and hate towards my sister and I, like what happened to my mum was our fault. When he came home drunk one night and began screaming at Elena, my sister, that’s when I stepped in to defend me, then sixteen, and my baby sister, who barely just turned two years old, and that’s the first time he ever laid his hands on me. So I sought out strength from myself and others when the abuse continued, and found most of it from my then boyfriend. I thought he was everything I ever wanted, sweet, handsome, caring. But after about, I don’t know, five weeks of dating…I realized that when I refused to let him have his way with me, and he forced me into doing something so terrible, and frightening, I…knew I couldn’t stop him. So for weeks after, I continued to let him hurt me sexually and mentally, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t be able to stop him. Until I found a much better source to relieve my pain, and it is not something I am proud of, but I have these scars and marks all over my body to prove that I am strong and I am worthy of being here. Now since things have gotten past the personal level, I’m not going to hold anything back and just be blunt with you lot. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times before, some nights I prayed that I would not wake up the next morning. There are only two things that have kept me strong and helped me perceiver and that would be you all and especially Elena. I thought to myself about what our father might do to her, if she would have been joining me in heaven shortly after I left because of him. I don’t want that for my baby sister, who hasn’t even started to talk yet because she is too afraid of our father and stunned to even dare speak a word. She barely started walking these last few months. But I’m also afraid of losing you all and I was afraid for you to lose me. It may sound selfish, but I couldn’t do that to anyone who finds me as their life source, like I have found in you lot, Elena, and, of course, music. Just remember that what you’re going through, is just the part of your life that is supposed to motivate you to be stronger, it’s the part of life that’s going to show your true colors, and you’re going to find out who you really are. It’s supposed to make you feel like shit, that’s what life does to you, but ending your life isn’t going to solve it. Ending your life will make this part of everyone else’s life just more difficult to handle. They’ll think that it’s their fault, that they should’ve helped you, that maybe if they were there for you more often, then it wouldn’t have come to this. I’ve known several people who have committed suicide, but only one of them I was slightly close to. When he left this world forever, his family and friend’s all blamed themselves. I cannot think of one fucking person who didn’t think it was their own fault. Even I blamed myself, and I hadn’t talked to him in almost a year. But it still hurt when he left. I’m not saying suicide is selfish, because it’s not, but what I am saying that suicide affects a whole fucking lot of people in a negative way. I’m really shit at these types of things, but I just want you all to know that I love and care about each and every one of you, no matter what you wear, what your sexual preferences are, or what color your skin may be, you are beautiful. And no matter what’s hurting you, it will go away if you treat it right. Please, I beg of you, that you ARE worth the life you were given when you were born and that God made you the way you are for a reason and that there are people out there, like me, that care about you and would be hurt if you chose to take your own life. Now, without further or due, here’s a song I wrote, for myself originally, but I’m dedicating it to whoever may be watching this video, I love you. Thank you.” I wiped my years free of tears and began to strum the cords to my song “Warrior”. Once I cleared my throat, I started to sing. “This is a story that I have never told

I gotta get this off my chest to let it go

I need to take back the light inside you stole

You're a criminal

And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed, so confused

I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire

You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar

I've got shame, I've got scars

That I will never show

I'm a survivor

In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed, so confused

I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back

A little girl grew up too fast

All it took was once, I'll never be the same

Now I'm taking back my life today

Nothing left that you can say

Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior

I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again”

I sniffled as I stared into the camera, smiled and blew a kiss to it and said goodbye.

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