You Put the Ass in Assistant

This 1920s based play is comical and for all ages!These ordinary people thought they would be in for another normal day on the train...but it was far away from that. Be prepared to meet a funny old couple, a broke detective, a snobby Mayor, and a poor beggar! If you want to do the show, please email me at jmcauliff9@gmail.com for more information.

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1. Act One

Act one

Prologue

Open main curtain. The traveler is closed. Onstage there is nothing but a spotlight on center stage. CONDUCTOR walks out.

CONDUCTOR: Ladies and Gentlemen what you are about to witness is a story that is extraordinarily significant to me. It involves a description of one of the bizarre moments of my life, and it will always stick out in my memory. I have been on trains for as far back as I can remember... but never did I see such things as I did on May 26th, 1922. It all started when we stopped in Cleveland to pick up passengers...

Train whistles

Scene One

Open the traveler curtain to a train station with a sign that says Cleveland. The mayor and his wife run to center stage, a group of REPORTERS following behind with note pads and camera. Traveling ONLOOKERS pass, wondering at the confusion. Some linger. Others exit, shaking their heads at the chaos.

REPORTER 1: Mr. Mayor! When is the trial scheduled?

MAYOR: There is no trial and we have nothing to talk about with you!

REPORTER 2: Mr. Mayor! What's your side of the story?

MAYOR: You know what? For the past three months all you reporters have done is hound me about these accusations. I'm fed up with it. My wife and I have nothing further to say. Good day.

Mayor goes to the station depot to check departure time. REPORTERS stay with Gertrude and ask her about her lifestyle and being a part of the Mayor's life.

CONDUCTOR: All Aboard! Engine 6016 to New York leaves in five minutes!

He Exits.

Gertrude is talking to reporters (unheard, gesticulating) before the Mayor rudely interrupts. He has a condescending manner.

MAYOR: Gertrude! We're going to be late. Stop talking will you?! You know what I told you about those reporters and how they twist words!

GERTRUDE: I know, I know. You know I love the attention!

They walk downstage..

BEGGAR: Excuse me sir, could you help out a man who is down on his luck, I only need...

MAYOR: (Interrupting) No I'm going to be late for the train.

GERTRUDE: I don't even understand why we have to go in the first place.

MAYOR: Do you want to keep getting luxurious items?

GERTRUDE: Well of course I do.

MAYOR: Then I suggest you stop asking questions and get on the train.

GERTRUDE: Oh you're right, you're right I see.

They exit stage to board train. Some money falls out of his pocket and beggar picks it up.

BEGGAR: (Under his breath) Thanks...SNOB!

He exits upstage right.

Enter downstage left older man (David) and woman (Irene). Enter downstage right, actress and her family running to catch the train.

ACTRESS: Don't worry mother. I'll land a job within three weeks' time and send you back the money to help support the family.

MOTHER: Promise me, Lily, you'll write us at least once a week.

ACTRESS: I promise.

Train whistle blows.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard for engine 6016 to New York!

ACTRESS: Well that's my train I have to go, wish me luck.

YOUNGER BROTHER: It won't be the same without you.

ACTRESS: I'll miss you, goodbye brother.

She exits waving handkerchief. Enter David and Irene people watching.

IRENE:  Oh Dave! Look at how tall that man is.
 

DAVID:  Which way are you looking at him… side to side? Because if were looking at him that way I’d agree with you.

IRENE: Stop it! Why do you make everything rude?

DAVID: Personally I thought it was quite funny.

IRENE: Well were in public so if you could stop I would appreciate it.

DAVID: And if you could stop people watching we might actually be on the train instead of almost missing it.

IRENE: Well if you weren't telling me rude jokes about people slowing us down we wouldn’t be late!

DAVID: We're not talking about this anymore. Let's go get our tickets.

CONDUCTOR: Last call for engine 6016 to New York!

DAVID: Come on Irene!

 IRENE: I’m coming, I’m coming…Sheesh!

Old couple walks past beggar; beggar is center stage with a spotlight on him.

BEGGAR: (Holding ticket above head) YES!

He runs offstage.

Blackout.

Scene Two

Lights up with dining car set onstage. Enter downstage right Mayor and Gertrude, enter downstage left actress, enter upstage right David and Irene and upstage left peasant. They sit down at tables. A waiter comes to the Mayor and his wife. Conductor has a conversational style when addressing the audience. He is all business when speaking to passengers.

CONDUCTOR: Train 6016 left the station from Cleveland, Ohio at 6:45 P.M. Destination: New York City. We will make several stops along the way. People always come and go on the train and it's regularly filled with different walks of life. Take this young lady for instance. Her name is Lily Madison and she is heading to New York City with the dream of becoming an actress. She has two younger siblings back on her family's farm, where her parents can't afford to support them anymore. She hopes to make some money in New York and send it back home...and the older rich couple over there, they were in Cleveland at a charity ball and are now heading home to their penthouse in New York City... the Mayor and his wife are also heading to New York. He stole money from Cleveland's tax coffers. He likes to buy luxurious gifts for his wife and mistress. Over here is the beggar. No one knows his name or too much about him; however, we do know he used to work as the Mayor’s butler. He was fired because he was accused of stealing from their mansion. These people have their differences, but, you may find that they are NOT so different…. after all.

Spotlight on conductor goes off.   Clear stage.

Blackout.

 

Scene Three

Lights up. Onstage we see a train station, there's a sign that shows we're in a new station. Enter downstage left a young couple Ben and Alyssa.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard! Engine 6016 leaves for New York in five minutes!

BEN: (Rudely) Come on Alyssa were going to be late. Go grab the tickets!

ALYSSA: You know you don't have to be so rude about it.

Alyssa walks over to get the tickets while Ben's talking with another passenger.  He calmed down and upon her return quietly apologized.

BEN: I'm sorry honey, just a little on edge.

ALYSSA: I know but that's why I'm here.

BEN: Thanks. Let's get on the train.

They exit downstage right. Enter detective and assistant upstage left.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard! Last call for engine 6016 to New York!

DETECTIVE: HURRY UP!

Assistant enters and is clearly struggling with a ton of baggage.

ASSISTANT: Do you really need me to carry all of this?

DETECTIVE: Yes I do! Besides, you will be paid well. (clearly perturbed)

ASSISTANT: Really?

DETECTIVE: No! I'm not paying you at all. 

ASSISTANT: Why not?

Train whistles.

DETECTIVE: Never mind that; let's get on the train before we miss it.

They exit to get on train downstage right.

Blackout.

Scene Four

Lights up. Onstage we see a dining car. Enter Ben, Alyssa, Detective, and Assistant.

CONDUCTOR: We just left Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania at 8:05 P.M. and are still expected to arrive in New York City at 7:05 A.M. We just made our first of many stops and we will continue to pick up more people. Take this detective, for example, he is almost entirely broke and he is hoping to find a big case that can boost his career soon so he can finally pay his assistant...And this love struck couple fresh out of high school are moving to the city because they were kicked out of their homes on their eighteenth birthday and they are depending on the city to start a new life together. People may come and go on the train, but there is always a level of excitement to be found.

All cast exits.

Blackout.

Scene Five

Lights up. Onstage we see a train car with benches, ensemble members sitting in benches, enter mayor and his wife downstage left.  Mayor enters and approaches a passenger with a  empty single seat next to him.

MAYOR: You there! Stand up! My legs are tired and I need to sit!

Passenger 1 looks up, meets evil daggers staring at him and reluctantly stands up, starting to exit upstage right

PASSENGER 1: (Grumbling under breath) SNOB!

Mayor sits down with Gertrude next to him and picks up some newspaper. Mayor starts reading, all of the sudden the stage lights and spots go out, we hear a scream, and the lights come back on. The Mayor is laying on the ground center stage dead. We hear some screams and gasps from the ensemble.

GERTRUDE: (Screams) Oh my god! (Running over to him) My poor husband! Who would do such a thing! I mean I know he wasn't the best person...

PASSENGER 2: (Interrupting) Ya think?

GERTRUDE: Oh, stop it! That's enough! My husband made mistakes but he was a good man at heart. I can't believe this!!

Gasps come from the surrounding passengers.

ACTRESS: What happened?

GERTRUDE: (Crying) my husband was murdered!

The actress enters downstage left running in.

ACTRESS: There, there it will be alright.

The actress guides Gertrude offstage.

DAVID: (Interrupting) Well don't just stand here like buffoons! Someone go get the Conductor!

IRENE: I'll get him.

DAVID: No Irene! By the time you find the conductor we'll all be dead!

BEGGAR: I can get him.

Beggar starts running offstage.

DAVID: Go boy... and don't stop until you find him!

People onstage split in half, they exit.

Blackout.

Scene Six

Lights up. Onstage we see a train car with benches, ensemble members sitting on benches. Gertrude, Actress, David, and Irene are onstage. Conductor and peasant come walking in from downstage right. Gertrude, Actress, David and Irene are talking loudly (panicking).

CONDUCTOR: (Yelling) Alright, alright! What in the world is going on in here!

GERTRUDE: My husband! He's dead!

CONDUCTOR: Well do we know how he died?

GERTRUDE: He was murdered and I know who did it!

CONDUCTOR: Who?

GERTRUDE: It was the beggar over there. I remember him from a long time ago when he worked at our mansion. We fired him because he kept stealing from us. He's the only one that had a grudge against my husband.  I tell you it was him!

BEGGAR: How could it be me if I wasn't even there? You have no proof!

PASSENGER 2: I saw you walk in right before the mayor was killed!

PASSENGER 1: Me too!

ALL: YEAH!

BEGGAR: But I left right after he came in!

PASSENGER 3: So it makes you even more suspicious!

ALL: GET 'EM!

Two ensemble members grab the Beggar and start to pull him offstage.

BEGGAR: (fighting back) I swear it wasn't me! I DIDN'T DO IT!

All of cast exits except Conductor who is center stage with a spotlight on him.

CONDUCTOR: (To audience):  Well, that's a first. I never thought I would have to deal with a situation quite like this. I'm only the conductor! I didn't think this job would involve solving a murder while trying to get people to New York City on time. (Looking around and noticing the detective)  We need your help.  Everyone, come back in here and listen to the detective!

Actress and Gertrude enter downstage right; David and Irene enter downstage left.

DETECTIVE (to everyone): You have half an hour to collect yourselves and then we start talking. I will talk to you, one by one, starting with the beggar.   Until then, you will all go to your cabins and do NOT talk to each other. Do you understand?

They mutter about the conductor and the detective as they exit.

Blackout.

 

Scene Seven

Lights up. We see a table with the detective pacing at one end and an empty chair at the other end.

DETECTIVE: Come in.

Enter beggar. Silence

DETECTIVE: Sit.

He sits.

BEGGAR: Detective you've gotta believe me, I didn't do it!  I...

DETECTIVE: If you don't mind, I'll be asking all questions and you will just answer them.

BEGGAR: (Annoyed) Fine.

Detective starts pacing back and forth.

DETECTIVE: Where were you when the Mayor was murdered?

BEGGAR: I was in the dome car.

DETECTIVE: Ah... interesting...

BEGGAR: But I walked out right before the Mayor was murdered.

DETECTIVE: Where did you go?

BEGGAR: I went to the dining car to get a snack.

Detective stops pacing.

DETECTIVE: So you got back and the mayor was dead?

BEGGAR: Yes!

DETECTIVE: I see...(starts pacing again) what did you see?

BEGGAR: Well it all started when I was reading the news... it was a lovely article. Then the mayor walked in, and he asked one of the passengers to move so he could sit. The man moved and the mayor sat down. While he was sitting there I left to go to the dining car. The next thing I know, I walk in and the mayor's laying on the ground... dead as a door nail.

DETECTIVE: Is that all you know?

BEGGAR: That's it! May I go, please?

DETECTIVE: Yes, you may go. Thank you.

Beggar exits.

Blackout.

Scene Eight

Conductor starts walking down aisle.

CONDUCTOR: One suspect down and a train full of them to go. How did I get stuck with this? I'm trying to get these people to New York City... this murder investigation is becoming a great inconvenience! It's now 9:30 P.M. and we're already 25 minutes behind schedule! I can't even begin to imagine why this is happening to me. Why am I the only one worrying about my life and the lives of others?   It's one thing to take care of transporting people from place to place but dealing with a murder is too much! I'm not getting paid enough for this.

He exits.

Lights up onstage as detective calls Gertrude in.

DETECTIVE: Hello ma’am. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

GERTRUDE: Thank you detective. Your support is appreciated right now.

DETECTIVE: Shall we begin?

She nods.

DETECTIVE: You mentioned earlier that there was only one man who had a grudge against your husband and it was a beggar.

GERTRUDE: Everything about that situation has already been explained.

DETECTIVE: Would you mind indulging me and explain it again in greater detail for me?  Since you were close to the victim, at the time of his demise.

GERTRUDE: (Annoyed) Fine... it all started at our mansion back in Cleveland when my husband and I realized a few of our crystal wine glasses had started to go missing. We decided to search every worker in our house. We came to find that he had them in his possession. He begged for mercy and told us he did not know how they had gotten there. My husband fired him immediately. We never saw him again until just today.

DETECTIVE: Oh…alright, so what happened when you both entered the car?

GERTRUDE: Well... let's see. We had both walked into the coach and we were sitting down. Just as my husband picked up the newspaper the lights went out, I heard a scream, and there he was lying upon the floor! My poor, poor husband...

She starts crying.

DETECTIVE: Are you sure that's all?

GERTRUDE: Are you questioning my story?

DETECTIVE: Well, as a matter of fact,… I think I am.

GERTRUDE: This is outrageous! I won't sit here listening to your accusations!

She storms out of the room.

DETECTIVE: Oh, she's right. What I am doing sitting around and wasting time, questioning her thinking she killed her own husband... boy, I sound insane and now I'm talking to myself. Great, just great. I need to get out of this room and try to get new ideas. Time is running out! THINK!! THINK!!!

Blackout.

Scene Nine

Lights up. We see the train car the murder took place in onstage. PASSENGERS enter downstage right in a group chirping about what has happened on the train.

PASSENGER 1: I can't believe such a thing has happened!

PASSENGER 2: This is ridiculous!

PASSENGER 3: Who do you think did it?

PASSENGER 4: It's gotta be that beggar, I've had a bad feeling about him since we got on this train.

PASSENGER 5: (Interrupting) Oh really now... I think it's that young actress, Lily. They can hide things well and you can never trust 'em...

PASSENGER 3: (Interrupting) No, no you're both wrong! It's obviously the mayor's wife, Gertrude! Didn't you hear? When I was waiting to get on the train I overheard a conversation between the two of them...

PASSENGER 2: (Interrupting) So… you were eavesdropping?

PASSENGER 3: Not exactly.

PASSENGER 4: Well, it certainly sounds like you were.

PASSENGER 2: I agree...

PASSENGER 3: Oh, never mind that! My point is, I heard Gertrude ask the Mayor why they had to go in the first place and he said if she wanted to keep buying luxurious items that they should stop talking and get on the train before anyone finds out.

PASSENGER 6: So?

PASSENGER 3: So, then it makes perfect sense for Gertrude to kill the mayor so she could have all of the money for herself instead of having to share it.

PASSENGER 2: (Sarcastic) Wow! You're a genius!

PASSENGER 3: I know.

PASSENGER 1: Should we tell the detective?

PASSENGER 3: Of course we should!

All exit except one. He looks down at the floor and finds a knife.

PASSENGER 7: WAIT UP I FOUND SOMETHING!

He exits chasing after them.

Blackout.

Scene Ten

Lights up. Onstage we see a train car with a table and a chair at either end. The detective is sitting at one end as a group of passengers walk in, chirping once again.

PASSENGER 3: Detective! We have something for you!

PASSENGER 2: Yeah! It's really good.

DETECTIVE: Alright, alright! let's hear it!

PASSENGER 1: Go ahead tell him!

PASSENGER 3: Okay! When I was getting on the train I overheard a conversation between the Mayor and Gertrude. She asked why they had to leave and he said if she wanted to keep buying luxurious items that they should stop talking and get on the train before anyone finds out.

DETECTIVE: Then Gertrude must have killed him because she wanted the money all to herself!

PASSENGER 3: Exactly.

DETECTIVE: It's just what I needed. Genius, pure genius. There's only one problem.

PASSENGER 4: What's that?

DETECTIVE: I can't just say she committed the murder without any hard evidence. If only there was a way to prove she did it...

PASSENGER 7: WAIT!

He races in and stops to rest on a table. We clearly see he's out of breath.

PASSENGER 7: I found something in the dome car!

DETECTIVE: What is it?

PASSENGER 7: A KNIFE!

All exit except detective.

DETECTIVE: This is it! The proof I was looking for! I might have a chance at solving this after all! YES!

He exits.

Blackout.

Scene Eleven

Lights up. Onstage we see the dome car. Enter detective with assistant. Assistant is once again struggling with multiple bags.

ASSISTANT: Why do you need me to carry all these bags everywhere you go?

DETECTIVE: Because you never know when you might need something.

He looks down and bends over to pick up knife.  Assistant grasps detective’s arm quickly.

ASSISTANT: Aren't you missing something?

Awkward silence.  Detective looks quizzically.

ASSISTANT: Gloves?

DETECTIVE: Oh right... gloves.

He puts on gloves and picks up knife.

DETECTIVE: Fetch me the table in our room.

Assistant leaves to fetch the table. There is a spotlight center stage on detective. He holds up knife with one hand.

DETECTIVE: Now I just need to test you for fingerprints and then I'll know who killed the mayor! For the first time in six months I finally have a case to work on and it's one of the easiest of my career!

Assistant enters with the small table.

ASSISTANT: Here ya go boss! This is the only one I could find that didn't have more of your stuff on it.

DETECTIVE: Leave me be...I need to do this one on my own. 

ASSISTANT: Are you sure?

DETECTIVE: I'm sure.

Assistant exits downstage right. There is a spotlight on the table. The detective walks over to it. He opens up his bags searching frantically for that one special item and lays a cloth across the table. He then sets the knife down and pulls out a brush and dusts the knife for finger prints. 

Lightbulb sound cue.

DETECTIVE: Eureka I got it! I'm one step closer to solving this case! 

He exits.

 Blackout.

 

Scene Twelve

Lights up. We see a train car with a table center stage with the detective at one end and an empty chair at the other end. 

DETECTIVE: Alright everybody in here at once!

Enter others.

I did some research in the dome car and found a bloody knife with fingerprints on it. I am going to have each of you sit down in this chair, put your index finger in the ink and press it on the piece of paper with your name on it. Do you understand?

ALL: Yes.

DETECTIVE: Alright then I will start with the beggar and the rest of you can fall in line after him. Assistant keep an eye on them while I step out of the room for a minute.

ASSISTANT: You got it boss!

Detective exits upstage left. 

Onstage we hear muttering as they line up to have their fingers inked. They start complaining while this process is going on.

DAVID: This is ludicrous! Who in their right mind would think an old fart like me would kill a man? 

ACTRESS: I agree! We haven't been involved in this at all! Why would he think we did anything in the first place?

ASSISTANT: The detective can't just take your word for it! He needs to have proof that you weren't there.

IRENE: But we weren't even in the car where the mayor was murdered! 

BEN: Exactly!  The only persons in that car were Gertrude and the beggar!

ALYSSA: The rest of us were dining in the dining car!

ACTRESS: Ask the conductor! He was in there with us!

Enter conductor.

CONDUCTOR: It's true! I was walking around the dining car and everyone was in there except for the detective and his assistant, Gertrude, and the Beggar.

The last person finishes the finger print.

ASSISTANT: And would you look at that! By the time you finished complaining everyone finished their finger prints! You must all return to your cabins immediately until you are told otherwise.

They exit as they mutter about the assistant. Conductor walks offstage and starts heading up the aisle addressing different audience members as he goes. 

CONDUCTOR: Then we had narrowed it down to those four people. The only problem was how do we figure out who actually did it. You may think it's easy from now on because there are less people to choose from but it will only get harder from here but don't take my word for it... see for yourself. 

He exits.

Lights up. Onstage we see the detective in his cabin. He is sitting on his bed. 

DETECTIVE: This doesn't make any sense! None of the finger prints match! I've tested everyone on this train and I still have nothing! I might as well give up now!

Light bulb sound cue.

DETECTIVE: No it couldn't be...could it? Of course not... well there's always a chance. There's only one way to be sure of it. This plan is pretty crazy but crazy works sometimes. 

He exits.

Blackout.

Scene Thirteen

Lights up. Onstage we see the dining car with the detective and assistant center stage. Other passengers are dining in the background.

WAITER: Can I start you gentlemen off with some drinks?

DETECTIVE: Yes um... I'll have a martini, shaken not stirred.

WAITER: And you, sir?

ASSISTANT: Water with a twist of lemon.

WAITER: I'll be right back with your drinks.

Enter conductor. The lights are down on the dining car. There is a spotlight on the conductor.

CONDUCTOR: Now pay close attention... this is where things got interesting. Drinks and dinner came within no time and they enjoyed their time and meal together. All the detective needed was a finger print and he had one crazy way of getting it in mind but like he once said... crazy works sometimes. 

Light back up on dining car.

ASSISTANT: Are you sure you want to pay?

DETECTIVE: Yes I'm sure... it's my treat.

ASSISTANT: Well... thank you.

DETECTIVE: You’re very welcome.

ASSISTANT: If you don't mind... I'm going to go back to my cabin and try and get settled in for the night. We have a long day ahead of us in New York.

DETECTIVE: By all means go right ahead... I'll just wait for the check. I'll talk to you in the morning...

Assistant exits downstage right. BUS BOY enters upstage left with a bin for dishes.

BUS BOY:  Here is your check, sir.

DETECTIVE: Thank you.

BUS BOY: May I clear your dishes?

DETECTIVE: Be my guest… just do me one quick favor...

BUS BOY: What's that, sir? 

DETECTIVE: You see that water glass over there? Leave that for me and let me take it to my cabin. There was a murder on the train earlier and I have my suspects narrowed down to four people. The finger print on this water glass might be the one that I've been looking for!  

The detective is so excited over this he is running out of breath.

BUS BOY: Are you alright?

DETECTIVE: Oh, me? I’m just fine. 

BUS BOY: Only you've gone all red...

DETECTIVE: Oh never mind that! 

BUS BOY: Sorry, sir.

DETECTIVE: So...will you help me?

BUS BOY: Of course...anything to help out a kind man like yourself.

DETECTIVE: Great...thank you.

Bus boy exits downstage left with dishes expect the glass. Detective puts on glove and picks up the water glass.

DETECTIVE: At last! This glass may hold the key to my success!

Detective exits downstage right. 

Blackout.

Scene Fourteen

Enter conductor in the pit. There is a spotlight on the conductor.

CONDUCTOR: Bet you didn't see that coming... don't worry. At the time I didn't either. The detective was a little crazy but he proved his point...crazy works. Things only got more strange from here on out. Like this...

Lights up. Onstage we see the detective in his cabin. He is sitting on his bed, holding the glass in one hand and a duster in the other. There is a moment of silence, he then gasps and screams.

DETECTIVE: YES! 

PASSENGER 8: Keep it down will you? I'm trying to sleep! 

DETECTIVE: Sorry sir...

PASSENGER 8: Good. It's 1:00 in the morning!

DETECTIVE: I can't believe it! My own assistant! Why would he do this to me... kill the mayor for no reason. He didn't even have a motive! Unless there's one I don't know about. Enough with these thoughts! I need to arrest him right now and bring justice to Gertrude.  

He runs off downstage left. Enter assistant upstage left. He sits down on the bed the detective comes to the door of the room and knocks on it furiously.   

ASSISTANT: Who is it?

DETECTIVE: Open the door immediately! 

ASSISTANT: Coming!

The assistant slowly makes his way over to the door and opens it. 

ASSISTANT: Oh Detective! What a pleasant surprise.

DETECTIVE: Oh, is it now?!

ASSISTANT: Indeed it is. 

DETECTIVE: Well then you're not going to like this news very much... then again I bet you saw it coming...

ASSISTANT: What news...? 

DETECTIVE: I can't believe the person closest to me would do such a thing... you are under arrest for the murder of the Mayor. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. If you try to resist arrest now it will only hurt you when you're in court. Now please... come quietly.

ASSISTANT: Well... I'm impressed you found out. 

DETECTIVE: Wait a second... that's it? You're giving up? 

ASSISTANT: I wouldn't call it giving up. You see, I like to think of it as accepting my fate.

The detective starts to walk the assistant out the door. The detective suddenly stops walking.

DETECTIVE: Answer this for me…

ASSISTANT: What?

DETECTIVE: Why’d you kill the mayor?

ASSISTANT: Because the mayor was giving more money to his wife instead of me!

DETECTIVE: Wait a second… what do you mean?

The assistant takes off her wig. The detective gasps.

ASSISTANT: That’s right… I thought being the Mayor’s mistress I would benefit from his money and luxurious gifts his wife was getting. The matter of fact is it didn’t work out that way and I was treated poorly…let’s just call this my revenge if you will.

DETECTIVE: Enough of this! Let’s go!

The detective puts handcuffs on the assistant. They start to walk then the assistant suddenly stops.

ASSISTANT: Could you tell me one thing before I go? 

DETECTIVE: And what would that be?

ASSISTANT: How did you find out?

DETECTIVE: I'm not going to tell you how but I will tell you this... sometimes it pays off to pay the bill.

The detective walks the assistant off downstage left.

Blackout. 

Epilogue

Lights up. Onstage we see a train station with a sign say New York. Enter Conductor is center stage

CONDUCTOR: We arrived in New York later that morning. The train didn't fully stop before the detective rushed the assistant off to jail. 

Enter detective holding assistant downstage left. 

DETECTIVE: Come on now I haven't got all day.

ASSISTANT: I'm coming! I'm coming!

Exit detective and assistant upstage right. Enter actress upstage left.

CONDUCTOR: The small town actress Lily Madison on the other hand went into New York with a positive attitude. She spent all the money her mother had given her on a talent agent and within six months she became a Broadway phenomenon. She was being hired by people from L.A. to New York. She ended up making so much money she had her family move to the city and live with her.

Exit actress downstage right. Enter David and Irene downstage left.

David and Irene went back to their pent house and lived the rest of their days donating to local charities and bickering back and forth.

Exit David and Irene bickering upstage right. Enter beggar upstage left.

As for the beggar well he went to the city and did what he did best…begging.

Exit beggar downstage right. There is a Spotlight on the conductor.

And then there was me. After that train ride I decided to retire and tell my story all across the nation. Some people told it to other people and pretty soon it became a household story. I then went home and lived the rest of my days as anyone would, but I never, ever forgot engine 6016.

 

 

 

 

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